Coming Home (part 15)

I’m determind that this won’t take as long as the last part, because I REALLY wanna finish this series! Just a few things before the fic: 1. I don’t own these characters, but I’m assuming you already know that. The song lyrics are by Paul McCartney 2. Thank you SO much to Rachel who left a really nice, long review to the last part, you made my day ( 3. Monica (Becky’s daughter) is now 17

“Monica Amy Bing.” Chandler watched proudly as she stepped up to the stage to receive her High School Diploma. With her shoulder length black hair and blue eyes, she looked, especially from this distance, exactly like her mother and grandmother.

While the principal called out the names of all the other graduates, Chandler allowed his mind to wander. It was seventeen and a half years since Becky died, and he still thought about her all the time. Not as much as he thought about Becky’s mother though. She had been the love of his life, and he couldn’t bear to think that he’d had her for such a short time. The fact that since she’d died, he’d spent his whole life with women who looked so much like her, made everything so much worse.

After the ceremony, Monica bounced over to him and hugged him tightly. She thought of Chandler as her Dad, even though he was old enough to be her grandfather. He looked really old, she thought. Well, he was the wrong side of 65, she thought.

“I’m so proud of you sweetie,” he said, hugging her back.

“Thanks,” she said, smiling. “Um, do you mind if I go get pizza with some friends? We’re all going out to celebrate.”

“Sure, have fun,” Chandler said, sounding unusually tired. Monica narrowed her eyes at him.

“Are you ok?”

“What? Yeah, of course I am,” he lied.

“You sure? You look like you got something on your mind.” Damn her, Chandler thought, she knew him too well, just like the woman she was named after had.

“No, no, I’m fine. You go have fun with your friends,” he said, smiling in what he hoped was a reassuring way. Monica smiled back at him.

“Ok. I’ll call if I’m not gonna be back tonight,” she promised. Chandler tried not to sigh. She didn’t stay out partying all night like Becky used to do, but he still felt like she was slipping away from him.

He drove home, old songs playing on the radio. He was faintly surprised to hear what had been a song he knew Monica [A/N: dead Monica] had loved.

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time

Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time

And hung me on a line

Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

Maybe I'm a man and maybe I'm a lonely man

Who's in the middle of something

That he doesn't really understand

Maybe I'm a man

and maybe you're the only woman who could ever help me

Baby won't you help me understand

Maybe I'm a man and maybe I'm a lonely man

Who's in the middle of something

That he doesn't really understand

Maybe I'm a man

and maybe you're the only woman who could ever help me

Baby won't you help me understand

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time

Maybe I'm afraid of the way I leave you

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song

You right me when I'm wrong

Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

Maybe I'm a man and maybe I'm a lonely man

Who's in the middle of something

That he doesn't really understand

Maybe I'm a man

and maybe you're the only woman who could ever help me

Baby won't you help me understand

He missed her so much. It had been over thirty years, and he still missed her. At first, he hadn’t dated women because Becky was so young and so sad, but then he realised he had no desire to date anyone other than the one who was dead.

When he got home, Chandler went straight into his bedroom. At the back of his underwear drawer was a small photo album. Inside were all the pictures he had of his Monica, except one which he had given to her granddaughter.

Flicking through the album filled him with memories. He didn’t want them, they were too painful. Chandler tried to push them away, but he just couldn’t. The one that seemed most stubborn, was that of the stupidest thing he ever did; leaving Monica because he’d thought she would chose Richard over him. He hated the fact that he had wasted so much precious time in Ottawa. Well he wasn’t going to waste any more time.

Chandler went into the bathroom and found as many bottles of pills as he could and carried them back to the bedroom. For some reason he didn’t really know, he hid them under the pillow while he went to get the other things he needed. He found a bottle of vodka in a cupboard, and pulled a knife out of the kitchen drawer. He watched for a second as light flickered on the blade, then he blinked hard and went back into his bedroom.

“I love you Mon,” he whispered, and unscrewed the first pill bottle. Saying the name reminded him of the seventeen year old who would have to come home to find him dead. He stopped and decided to write her a note, explaining why he couldn’t go on without his Monica anymore.

Dear Monica

I’m sorry to have to do this to you, especially on a day that should have been so happy for you. Its just that now you’ve graduated High School, I guess I feel like I’ve done my best for you, that I’ve done all I can do, and now its time to think about me. Oh, I’m not blaming you. Its just that ever since your grandma (I still have a hard time calling her that) died, I had to take care of your Mom, and then you, and in all that, I don’t think I ever managed to really grieve for her. I loved your grandma, you know that. But you could never comprehend just how much I loved her, how much I still love her.

I’m sorry honey, but I don’t think I’d be able to cope once you go off to college, I’d have too much time alone to think and brood and wonder what it could have been like if she hadn’t died, if we were still married and happy. I’m not happy Monica.

All my love

Chandler Bing

xxxx

Monica came home, laughing, waved goodbye to her friends and went into the apartment. Silence greeted her, but that wasn’t so unusual. Lately, Chandler had hardly been watching any TV, he said it was all too young for him. She wondered why he hadn’t started dinner, but then, she hadn’t told him when she’d be coming home.

“Dad?” she called into the quiet apartment, “Dad, I’m home!”

Silence.

“dad?” she called again, a little scared now.

She knocked on his bedroom door, and when there was no answer, she pushed it open. Monica screamed. Chandler was lying on the bed, face down, bottles of pills surrounding him and an empty bottle of vodka in one hand. A bloodstained knife was on the floor next to the bed, and the sheets were soaked with Chandler’s blood. A note addressed to her was on the bedside table.

Daring to step closer to his lifeless body, to make sure he really was dead and to see if there was anything she could do for him, Monica saw that clutched tightly in chandler’s hand was an old photograph of her grandmother.

THE END

Ok, its kinda short, but this is the ending I’ve wanted to do ever since I began this series! Only Chandler was originally going to kill himself after Becky graduated High School. Hope you enjoyed it, despite the long wait ;) please leave a review, thanks. And I am aware that this last chapter sucks, but I’m having major writers block issues, and I knew if I didn’t write it now, I’d never get around to it.