Coming Home (part 13)

Chandler and Ross sat silently on the chairs outside Monica's room for a long tim. Chandler cried wiht his head in his hands. Ross stared into space, his hands shaking in his lap and his eyes shining with tears.

"We should call the others," Ross said eventually.

"Its the middle of the night," Chandler pointed out.

"No, its ten to seven. Not to early to call them about Monica," Ross said, checking his watch.

"You call them. I have to go see Becky," Chandler said sadly.

"Okay. Are you sure you want to tell her yourself?" Ross asked. Chandler nodded. He had to be the one to tell Becky the bad news, especially if he was going to end up looking after her now.

The two men rose, looking very tired. They had been at the hospital for a long time and were exhausted. But they knew they couldn't just go and sleep now. It was their responsibility to tell Becky and their friends. Ross walked off to fins a phone, looking at least twenty years older than he actually was. Chandler watched him go, then walked slowly to the children's ward.

Becky was still sleeping peacefully. Her dark hair looked just like Monica's and Chandler knew Monica must have looked like Becky when she was a child. Becky was lying on her stomach, head turned to one side, her hands curled into loose fists either side of her head. Chandler sat down in the chair next to Becky's bed and watched her sleeping, just as he had watched her mother sleep just a few hours earlier.

When she woke up about half an hour later, Becky was at first happy to see Chandler. She untangled herself from her blankets and scrambled into Chandler's arms. She sensed something was wrong. Chandler held her tightly, but she pulled away so she could study his face.

"ChandleR?" she asked worriedly, sounding tragically old.

"honey, I'm so sorry," he said.

"What? Why?" Becky asked, confused. Chandler was crying. The only time Becky had ever seen a grown up cry was her Mom, right after her Dad died.

"Mommy's dead sweethear. She died a little while ago, while you were sleeping. The doctors tried to save her, but they couldn't. I'm so sorry Becky," Chandler said, the shocked look on the child's face making him cry even more.

"Mommy's dead?" Becky asked quietly. She couldn't believe it.

"I'm afraid so," Chandler confirmed. Becky threw herself forward and hugged Chandler lightly, her little arms around his neck, crying against his chest. Chandler rested his chin on top of her head. He was crying to. He rocked the little girl gently, not even attempting to reassure her that everything would be okay, because he didn't believe it himself.

A nurse came over to see why Becky was so upset, but when she saw Chandler she guessed something bad had happened, and left the two of them alone.

Back in intensive care, Ross had called the others and they had just arrived. Rachel headed straight for Ross's arms, both to be comforted, and to comfort him. He hugged her and absent mindedly kissed the top of her head. Phoebe and joey looked like they hadn't really taken it in yet.

They went in, one by one, to say goodbye to their friend. Phoebe went first, then Rachel, then joey. Ross decided not to go back in again because he didnt' feel up to saying goodbye a second time.

After an hour, Chandler and Becky came to intensive care. Becky, still wearing her pjs, was in Chandler's arms, clutching him as if her life depended on it, like she had done right after the crash. Only this time, Chandler relished the warm weight of the little girl. For some reason, it seemed to make the whole thing seem much more real somehow.

"She wants to see her Mommy," Chandler said tiredly. He knew he would have to take her in, she wouldn't agree to go with anyone else and there was no way he could expect her to go in alone, but he didnt' want to see Monica again. He had already said goodbye, he didn't want to have to go through that again. But Becky needed him to, so he would have to.

"Are you sure you're okay to take her?" Rachel asked. Chandler nodded wearily.

"I have to," he said simply.

Chandler carried Becky into Monica's room. Monica lay on the bed, looking exactly the same as when he had been watching her sleep, just a few hours ago, except she wasn't sleeping. She was actually dead. Becky lifted her head and looked at her mother. Chandler saw her trying to grasp some sort of understanding of what was happening, but she was too little to really understand how Monica had been okay one minute and dead the next. Her father had been old, even Becky knew that. He had died because he was old. But her Mom was only thirty six. That seemed very old to a four year old, but Becky knew it wasn't really. She didn't understand why her mother had had to die.

"Can I touch her?" Becky asked shyly. Chandler nodded.

"Go ahead honey."

He walked over and set Becky on her feet next to Monica's bed. He backed off, giving the child room to say goodbye without worying that he would overhear, but she grabbed his hand to keep him close. Chandler smiled sadly and stayed within arms reach of BEcky. The little girl touched her mother's face, a sad serious look on her own.

"Dont' leave me Mommy," she said softly. Chandler stroked her hair soothingly. "I love you," Becky said. She kissed her mother's cheek, then turned to Chandler and hugged him tightly.

"You ready to go?" he asked quietly. Becky nodded and held her arms up to be picked up. Chandler obliged and kissed the top of her head. The two of them left Monica's room. As he went out, Chandler held up a hand, as if he was saying goodbye when she was going to work, or the coffee house or something, and he would see her soon. Not like he would never see her again.

"I love you Mon," he said softly, one last time.

Chandler took Becky back to the children's ward, where he stayed with her, sitting on her bed with Becky in his lap as they both cried. Several nurses offered their sympathy and sad Chandler should feel free to leave Becky with them a little while longer, even though she was supposed to be allowed home that afternoon. But chandler said he wanted to stay with Becky and take her home that afternoon, as planned. IT hadn't taken long for him to decide it would be better to move into Monica's apartment with Becky than have her move in with him. But he was beginning to dread it. He wasnt' sure if he was up to being there, with all monica's things and all the memories of her, and even little Amy.

While Chandler and Becky went home, the others elected to go their seperate ways, excpet for Ross who said he'd wait and deal with the legal stuff. Rachel offered to stay with him, but he told her to go home.

Becky stayed very quiet during the car ride home. Chandler kept glancing over at her sitting in her car seat, staring out of the window. She wasn't crying, but she still looked very miserable. Chandler wanted to be able to cheer her up, but he felt just as depressed himself. He knew Becky must be feeling very scared and confused right now, despite the fact that she knew more about death than most kids her age. He knew he could never replace her parents, or even come close, but he hoped he woudl at least be able to make her feel a little safer and happier than she did right now,

When they arrived at Monica's apartment, Becky's first move was straight into her mother's bedroom. Chandler deliberated about whether he should follow her, and eventually decided to leave her alone, at least for a little while.

Chandler was exhausted. he had spent the last twenty four hours at the hospital with Monica, Amy and Becky, and had been awake for nearly all that time. But it wasn't just the fact that he had been awake for so long, it was because so much had happened. The last twenty four hours had felt like a huge horrible scary rollar coaster. One that he never wanted to ride ever again for as long as he lived. He lay on the couch and closed his eyes, thinking that he would just take a brief nap, but he ended up sleeping for several hours.

He woke up feeling stiff and, for some reason, more tired than he had felt before. It took a few seconds for him to remember Becky, but when he did, he rushed into Monica's bedroom, praying Becky would still be there.

"Great replacement for parents I make," he mumbled, opening the door. "Thank God!" he exclaimed when he saw Becky was still there. She was lying on what had been monica's side of the bed, her head turned away from him, long dark hair spread around her. Chandler could tell that when she was older, Becky would look a lot like Monica. He felt a little strange about that. He was glad he had Becky to in a way, keep something of monica alive, but he knew seeing her every day would be a painful reminder of the woman he had loved.

Becky had been asleep, but not very deeply, because she woke up when Chandler came in. She had slept all night, so she wasn't as tired as Chandler, but even at four years old, she was beginning to think of sleep as a way of escaping.

She remembered that when her Daddy had died, Mommy had put her to bed earlier even than Amy's normal bedtime, and had tried to let both kids sleep late in the mornings.

Monica herself had actually slept very little, but she hated crying in front of the children, so she had tried to only cry when they were in bed. But she had often felt like she wanted to cry in the evenings, which Richard had always tried to make 'grown up time', although this was very hard when the kids were little, but he had always tried, and Monica had love dhim for that. She realised it was mostly selfish reasons that he did it, but she enjoyed it so she chose to overlook that. Monica had missed the evenings spent alone with her husband, even though they rarely did anything special. But since Chandler had come home, she had stopped crying every evening.

"Hi becky," Chandler said softly. She turned over on her side to look at him and he saw her big blue eyes were wet with tears. "sorry if I woke you," he said.

"I was dreaming of Mommy," Becky told him quietly.

"Then I'm really sorry I woke you," he said. "I was asleep too. But I wish I'd dreamt about her." Becky smiled faintly.

"Its okay," she said. "What were you dreaming about?"

"I don't remember," Chandler said. He wasn't lying. If he had dreamt at all, he had no idea what about, but he thought he had been too tired to dream.

"I'm hungry," Becky said changing the subject. Chandler went and picked her up off the bed. He carried her through into the kitchen, where he sat her on the counter while he heated some soup for up for her. Chandler didn't feel at all hungry himself, even though he hadn't eaten since yesterday, and it was now about five o'clock in the evening.

"Chandler?" Becky asked while she ate. He was sat with her, but he wasnt' eating.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Are you gonna look after me now?"

"Yes. Mommy asked me to take care of you if anything happened to her, and thats exactly what I plan on doing," he promised. Becky smiled slightly.

"Good," she said. "I miss Mommy and Daddy and Amy, but you're okay." Chandler smiled.

"Thanks, you're pretty okay yourself," he returned the compliment.

Monica and Amy were burried on the same day, four days after they died. for Cahndler that was the hardest part, because he kept having to explain to people he hadn't seen for six years why he had gone to Ottawa, why he had come back, and what had happened with him and Monica. But all Chandler wanted to do was say goodbye properly to Monica and Amy.

Becky stayed by Chandler's side throughout the funerals, but she didnt' cry. She looked very sad, but she didnt' cry. Ross said she just didn't understand the concept of the funeral ceremony, but Chandler thought she just didn't like being with a load of strangers who were all fussing over her. He thought if it had just been a few people, who she knew, Becky probably would have felt more comfortable crying. He thought it might have been better for her that way, but he was glad for himself that she wasn't crying, because he was to upset himself to comfort her.

Chandler did cry. He had been asked to make a speach, which he did with Becky in his arms, struggling to speak through the tears. When he sat down in his lap, Becky tried to wipe his tears away. That made him cry even more, because her gentle touch reminded him too much of Monica's and through his tears, Becky's face blurred into Monica's face.

TO BE CONTINUED...

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