A Righteous Man

By Daphne

 

Disclaimer: I know this would never happen and you know I don't own them or make money out of them. This is only meant as very light entertainment.

Thanks to Jjaks comments and to HtB and others for encouragement.

 

Season 1: The boyfriend bonfire, sent in another direction so the first four lines belong to Kauffman and co.

 

"Ok, so now we need, um sage branches and the sacramental wine". Phoebe read from her card.

Monica shook her head, "All I have is, is oregano and a Fresca."

Phoebe frowned, "Um, that's ok!" She threw it in the bin. "Ok. All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man."

Rachel and Monica look bewildered at one another.

Phoebe continued brightly, ignorant of the potential challenge. "Does anyone know a righteous man?"

Monica raised one eyebrow. "I'm guessing we'll have to know him quite well to extract his semen from him."

Phoebe was not going to be put off. "So a righteous man that we know well enough to ask him to jack off for our fire."

"No problem then." Said Rachel sarcastically.

"Perhaps we should have chosen the one where we dance naked." Monica said glumly.

"I'd vote for that!" Chandler said as he came through the door and, as ever, went straight for the fridge. "What are you guys doing?" He asked, a little wary of the way that the three women stood around a bin. They reminded him of the three witches in Macbeth which he had seen on the Movie Channel the previous night and it had scared the life out of him.

Monica frowned. "I thought you were out with Janice?"

"I was. I just finished dumping her." He said guiltily.

Phoebe sighed, "Poor Janice."

"Yeah. I feel kinda bad, it being Valentines and all, but I really don't remember how we managed to hook up last night." Chandler said between mouthfuls of food.

"Drink Chandler - drink is how it happened." Monica told him.

Chandler smiled. "So if you girls keep drinking you will all hook up with Janice?"

The three girls ignored his comment.

Rachel caught the eyes of the others. "I don't think you should feel guilty about having to break up with Janice. I'd say you were pretty righteous."

Chandler finished the food in his mouth and was aware that they were all staring at him. He swallowed and looked from one to the other. "Righteous?"

The girls all nodded. "Would you say you were a righteous man?" Monica asked him.

He tried to break the tension by laughing. "I'm always right. Does that make me righteous?"

"It'll do." Agreed Phoebe.

"Do you know what righteous means?" Chandler asked and edged towards the bin to work out what was going on. The girls all stood in front of it and Phoebe held the book behind her back.

 

"Do you?" Phoebe asked.

Chandler peered nervously around them. There was something going on but he couldn't work it out.

He gave up, some crazy girls stuff. "Right I'm going to bed. Don't do anything too weird will you?" Chandler told them but could not hide his eagerness to leave the apartment.

"Doesn't righteous mean he has to have high morals or something?" Monica asked when Chandler had gone.

Phoebe was not to be put out. "That should be OK. Chandler's not evil is he? He can be quite sweet when you're upset."

"Yeah." Monica agreed. "And he is quite cuddly when he wants to be. I'm guessing he would pass as a righteous man."

Phoebe and Rachel nodded.

"Who's going to ask him for his donation?" Rachel asked.

There was a long pause.

"Perhaps we should toss for it?" Phoebe suggested.

Rachel choked on her Margarita. "We could exchange it for something he wants."

Phoebe smirked. "Like a blow job you mean?"

They all laughed again. Rachel shook her head. "I think we have to give him something, like porn, or tickets to the game."

Monica frowned. "Why do we have to exchange it? It doesn't cost him anything, its not like he has any use for it. He's probably gonna do it tonight anyways all we're asking is that he doesn't throw it away."

Rachel did not agree. "How would you feel if Chandler asked for your juices to get another girl?"

Phoebe nodded. "Good point. So what are we going to offer him?"

Monica shook her head again. "I think we just ask him."

"No way is he gonna give us his semen in exchange for nothing." Rachel argued.

"Of course he will, if we ask nicely."

"No way Monica." Rachel stomped over to get more drink. "But hell if you think he'll give it to you for nothing…?"

"You want to put a wager on it?" Monica suggested, her competitive hackles rising.

"OK. OK. If you can get Chandler to give you his semen, tonight, without buying him something, I'll let you borrow any of my clothes you want to, whenever you want to. And if you don't succeed you have to go a whole month without complaining about my mess, or taking the phone pen or anything, I become a guest, no moaning at me at all. Deal?"

Monica shook her outstretched hand. "Deal, and you're a witness Phoebe."

Rachel grabbed a glass. "In there, you can't come back with the bin where we won't be able to tell if it's in there or not we need to see it in there - and I know egg white when I see it!"

Monica thought for a moment. "No you don't."

Rachel shrugged in agreement.

 

Monica knocked quietly and entered the guys' apartment. Chandler was in T-shirt and boxers ready for bed. He glanced up. "You want something Monica?" He grabbed a bottle of Tequila from the shelf, "Here, you run out already?"

 She felt herself flushing. "No, not Tequila, but I do need something off you." She held the glass behind her back.

"We gave you back all your bras from the water canon fight, I'm sure we did and if you're after the pillows Joey still has them. Do you girls need them for a pillow fight? Can I watch?"

"It's not the pillows. Can I write it down? It's a little embarrassing."

Chandler started to get worried again. "Ok. Here' a pen. Don't think we have any paper, can you write it on my hand or is it a long request?"

"Your hand's fine, just don't look as I write."

"OK. " He said even more worried. He held out his palm and she scribbled on it then looked away.

He looked down and laughed. " I don't think I can read your writing it looks like you're asking me for my semen." He looked at her flushed cheeks. "You are asking me for my semen!"

"For a potion we're making to burn, would you mind?" She said casually, as if asking to borrow a couple of dollars, and held out the glass.

 

"Oh right." He said, "Second shelf of the fridge."

 

She looked at him in surprise. "Really?!"

"NO!"

"Can you go get me some then?" She said patiently.

Chandler looked at her bewildered. "I'm not giving you my semen!"

"Don't be so mean. How many times do I ask you for anything? It's just a little favor." She pleaded

"I'm not giving you my semen. It's my DNA. The only way I donate semen is during sex, or sometimes into a tissue, or a sock or a pillow, my maths book once, but that was an accident…."

"Did you find maths that exciting?" Monica interrupted, curious.

"Nah, just got in the way."

"Oh. Well can't you just jack one off for us?"

"No! How much have you lot been drinking?" He asked.

"Not that much. A few margaritas."

"So this is normal behavior when you three get together?"

"Phoebe has this cleansing ritual and we need your stuff to complete it."

"MY stuff."

"The stuff of a righteous man. See it's a compliment."

"So that was what that was all about. Are you gonna put a curse on me?"

"No the spell is supposed to help us find better men. Come on its just a little favor."

Chandler screwed his face up. "No its weird, its seriously weird. Why don't you just hook up with Janice…? OK I'll tell ya what. I could spit in the glass for you."

"No good. Did you ever know me to alter a recipe that much?"

"You put blackcurrants on the strawberry cheesecake."

"Yeah but this would be like using cheese instead of flour."

Chandler looked confused. "What kinda saliva do you have!"

Monica decided to go for a new approach. Her voice raised to a command worthy of a drill sergeant. "Chandler go to the bathroom and jack off into my glass now or I'll never cook for you again."

Chandler jumped, used to obeying Monica. He looked at the glass and shook his head again. "What about if I pee in it? Comes from the same place." He added persuasively.

Monica looked repulsed. "I don't want your pee, that's disgusting!"

"But my semen isn't? Oh no, that's perfectly normal!" He said sarcastically.

Monica sighed and slowly unzipped her top, she wasn't wearing a bra. "So you won't be jacking off tonight?"

He pulled his eyes back up to hers and thought for a minute. "No, I'm not… well not that I'm admitting to anyways."

 She undid the zip a little further and he couldn't not look. "Go on, just for me." She said, watching his eyes stare at her.

He was angry with her now, she was getting him all riled up. "No. Now leave me in peace woman."

"Why? So that you can give yourself a little rub? That's fine, just put it in there as you finish." She tried to hand him the glass but he backed off.

"I'll tell you what I'll ask Joey for you when he gets home. He probably won't mind but he may insist on doing it in front of you." He said hoping to put her off.

"Joey's no good, he two times almost every girl he goes out with, except those that he is three timing." She paused. "Would you do it if you could do it in front of me?"

"Jesus Monica! Now you're suggesting…"

She smiled, "Yeah why not. I don't mind. "

Chandler put his hand on her back and started to push her out. "That's it you gotta go."

She glanced down at the now very obvious bulge in his boxers. "Come on you liked that idea, I can see that you liked that idea."

"Don't look at it! It's not yours, just because it responds to things it doesn't mean I will."

She turned around and leaned into him pressing herself against him and whispered in his ear. "Oh go on Chandler, just for me."

He moved sharply away. "Oh no no no. You're not getting me that way. AHHH!" Monica had put her hand gently into his groin and was stroking and massaging his balls. "Jesus Monica, stop that. I had a physical last month."

"You want me to stop?" She stopped and smiled at him. "You've got to now haven't you? I'll wait here while you go to the bathroom."

He looked down at himself and up at her. Why did Monica always have to win? The woman in front of him would do anything to win. Time to find what "anything" really meant. "You said you'd watch?" He asked very quietly, ashamed of himself.

She smiled innocently at him. "If that's what it takes."

"OK." He took her hand and led her to the bedroom and, still angry with her, sat her down on his bed. He put the glass on the nightstand, turned his back while he pulled his penis out, then turned to face her and started to masturbate. She had asked for it and begged for it but she was still startled to be there watching him. She hadn't really thought what this would mean. She pulled her eyes sharply up and away, her cheeks going scarlet.

He was unaware of her discomfort. "You could help?"

"H-h-h-help?" She stuttered, trying to keep her eyes diverted. "As in?"

"Undo that zip a bit more so that I can see your breasts?"

"No."

"Well it could take quite a while. Janice and I did it at least a couple of times last night. It's not like I'm desperate for it."

She sighed, Joey had seen it all last week when he had caught her in the shower. She unzipped her top and let it hang around her exposed breasts. His free hand went down to caress her.

His eyes examined her breasts. Her nipples were red and hard. "That should make it much easier." He said, more to himself than her.

"Well come on then." She said impatiently. She was aroused, Chandler's penis was inches away from her, she was pretty drunk and she had had celibacy unwillingly forced on her for some time. She needed this to be over, and quickly, before she did something really silly. "Come on Chandler just get on with it." She said again.

He paused in the rhythm he had set himself. "That's pressure I can't come if you put pressure on me."

"Well what else do you need?" She said annoyed, he seemed to be making excuses.

"You wanna make it real quick?"

"Of course, the others are waiting."

"Just strain your neck and put your mouth around it Mon."

"You have to be kidding." She said with disgust in her voice, but she had been thinking the same thing. It was so close. She tried not to look at it.

He seemed to sense that she was not as against the idea as she pretended so he tried again. "You want my semen, you want it quick, go down on me."

"I don't need it that bad."

He shrugged, it was worth a try. He noticed that she couldn't stop herself from watching him, his face started to flush and he moaned and gasped and grimaced. He stopped and looked down.

"I can't do it Mon, I can't go over its too weird…" He lay down on the bed and tried half-heartedly for a few strokes, but stopped again. "Can we kiss Monica. I think I need to kiss you to stop it feeling so strange."

"Tongues?" She asked.

"Of course."

She lay down beside him on the bed and let him kiss her. "I thought only girls liked kissing." She said pulling away and gazing at him.

He shut her up with his mouth, his tongue pushed against hers and his hands groped her. She relaxed into it until he started to move on top of her. She pulled quickly away.

She was now very uncomfortable, the kiss was good and incredibly intimate. "OK, here let me help you, at this rate the fire will have gone out." She took over where his hand had stopped, "That better?"

"I liked the kissing." He stated watching her.

"Good. Are you nearly there?"

He squirmed and pushed himself into her hand. "Jesus Monica I really need it now. I really need to fuck. You gotta help me more than that."

"You can come this way." She told him firmly.

"Can't we do this properly? Lie down on your back for me…please? "

 "Stop talking and concentrate."

His face was very flush and he was gasping but still he didn't come, her arm was getting tired and she was now as horny as he was. The smell of him was in the air and her panties stuck where her body prepared itself for him. She made a decision and removed her joggers and panties.

"OK." She told him. "Just don't tell anyone I let you."

His eyes popped open in surprise. "We can fuck?"

"Can we phrase it a little nicer?"

"We can fornicate?"

"Not much better really."

She submissively lay down on her back, with her legs apart. He pushed his boxers further down and climbed onto her and unceremoniously pushed her legs further apart to make room for himself.

"Put them around my back out of the way." He instructed and she obediently moved so that her ankles crossed around his back. "Now this feels more natural." He told her and put his hand down to guide himself into her. He grinned at how easily he slipped in and pushed hard until he felt his balls nestled against her skin. She gasped. He ground his hips, reveling in the feeling of being inside her. "Just remember that this is just to get your donation. Nothing more, OK?" He told her. He leaned down onto his elbows and forearms, his hands holding her shoulders for leverage, and started to penetrate her with quick, deep and efficient movements. Within minutes he was climaxing. He groaned, pulled out of her, and held himself over her glass as he ejaculated into it. She watched, still minutes away from her own satisfaction. He smiled at her as she squirmed in frustration. He adjusted his clothes and pulled her top back around her.

"Here you are then." He said casually and handed it over.

"What? What are you doing?" She said, sitting up in alarm.

"You wanted my semen. There it is. See you tomorrow?"

"Chandler, you can't leave me like this."

"One favor you said. You got it. I told you it wasn't a good idea. But you seduced me into it."

"You are going to leave me like this!"

He kissed her affectionately, and handed her panties. "I'm not gonna make love to you unless you date me. I'm not into one nighters and booty calls. Not since Aurora screwed my mind."

She looked at him surprise. "I can't date you.".

"Why not?" He asked, annoyed again.

"Because…"

"Because…?"

"You're Chandler."

"Wow, you see I did NOT know that!" He said sarcastically.

"Yeah, but you're CHANDLER." She said again.

"So you think that you can just use me when you need me?"

"I only wanted your… semen."

Chandler pointed at the glass. "And there it is."

 He stroked her hair and kissed her gently again, elated at how aroused she was, he could feel the heat coming off her. "Not now you don't, now you want something else. " His put his hand between her legs and lightly touched her clitoris through her panties, she jumped. He grinned, released her and got off the bed. "It's OK I don't think I want to date you either." He said as he gathered his clothes and threw her joggers to her.

Monica scowled. "Why? Why don't you want to date me? What's wrong with me?"

 Chandler shook his head. "Well Mon, you're bossy and obsessive for a start. I suppose I could cope with that if you were a bit more passionate but I had to do it all didn't I? You just kinda lay there." He had to turn away to hide the smile that engulfed his face.

"I can be passionate!" Monica said indignantly. "That was different. Look I'll show you how passionate I can be!"

Chandler fell backwards on the bed as Monica pounced on him, tearing his and her clothes back off. She kissed him all over, even on parts of his body that had never been kissed then moved down to his penis, engulfing it in her mouth and sending Chandler into non-dead heaven. He tried to keep himself still, to feign indifference. The discipline worked. Her mouth left him and she climbed on top of him, pinned him to the bed and pushed him back inside her. She rode him whilst rubbing her breasts with her hands and pulling her own nipples into sharp peaks. He put one arm around her back to steady her, otherwise he lay still and let her do all the work.

"Passionate enough?" She asked gasping for breath.

"It's OK." He said casually, trying to think of anything other than what this incredibly hot woman was doing to him, and herself.

"I'll give you OK." She said and clamped him with her virginal muscles.

He groaned, "Ah Jesus Monica!"

"I'm not letting you go until you tell me I'm the most passionate woman you've ever had sex with."

He shook his head so she clamped tighter. He responded by sitting up holding her tightly by her waist and thrusting hard repeatedly to release himself from her grip. It worked. She couldn't hold him. He kept up the pressure even after she released him, he was passed caring about the argument as he continually thrust hard up into her. She cried out to him and he moved even faster, watching the picture of sensual pleasure that flickered over her face, he was about to watch Monica come, and that thought had him on the brink. She had been nearly there the first time and the relief for her was incredible. She yelled out his name and that set him off. He groaned, long and loud and they rocked together, whilst he made another donation. When he had finished he collapsed back down on the bed, still holding her and pulling her with him. She lay panting and happy with her head on his chest.

When their breathing started to return to normal he looked down at her. "I suppose I COULD date you. Earnies tomorrow at 8?"

Monica got off him and smiled triumphantly. "I'll meet you there."

"Right Mon." He said and watched her dress and go. As soon as the door was closed he started dancing around the room. The door opened again.

"I forgot the glass."

"Right Mon." He said and handed it to her.

She paused and looked at him suspiciously. "Were you doing the dance?"

"No Mon."

 

Monica slammed the glass onto the table victoriously. "Anyone for Pina Colada?"

"You got it!" Phoebe exclaimed and glanced at Rachel.

"That's egg white." Rachel sneered.

Monica bristled. "It's semen!"

Phoebe sighed. "Were you two like this in High School?"

"She just called me a liar!" Monica whined in a little school girl voice.

"No-one produces that much semen. That's egg white." Rachel argued back.

Monica shrugged. "Ok. If you're so sure it's egg white why don't you try some?"

Phoebe smirked to herself. Rachel hesitated. "I don't eat egg white."

"Do you want me to cook it for you first?" Monica asked. "You eat it raw in mousse. I could mix some chocolate up with it?"

"It's OK." Rachel put her finger into the glass and Monica flinched back. There was a long pause before, drumming up her courage, Rachel dipped her finger quickly in and looked at Monica's face. "Do I really have Chandler's semen on my finger?" She asked. Monica nodded smiling. "How the hell could you let me do that?" Rachel yelled at her. "Would you have let me put it in my mouth?"

Rachel ran to the bathroom to wash it off.

Phoebe grinned. "That was close… shame."

When Rachel returned they all gathered around the bin again and Monica dripped the semen into the bin.

"Any more keepsakes for the cleansing ritual?" Phoebe asked.

There was silence whilst Phoebe and Rachel both looked expectantly at Monica who shrugged. "I haven't got anything else. Have you two finished?"

Phoebe smiled and put an arm around her friend. "Monica this is about cleansing ourselves of all those ex-lovers who didn't deserve us."

"So?" Monica asked.

"Those men who tricked us into sex…" Phoebe continued.

Monica shook her head, not understanding what she was telling her.

Phoebe spelled it out. "I think we now need something of Chandler's don't you?"

Monica flushed and Rachel handed Phoebe five dollars. Monica looked pissed. "So what was that wager about?"

"That you would get his semen by asking Chandler REALLY nicely but he would turn you down because he has a thing for you." Phoebe said smiling.

"If he has a thing for me why would he turn me down?" Monica asked.

"Because you would do anything and risk anything to win and knowing how manipulative Chandler can be he would get you to go as far as possible." Phoebe told her.

Monica sat down on the couch, feeling stupid, and the girls sat down either side of her. "Well?" asked Phoebe after a while. "How far did you go? Kissing?" Monica nodded, "Stripping, petting, masturbation?" Monica nodded again.

Rachel continued in disbelief, "Oral sex? Full sex? Tell me if we need to go any further? Anal sex, sado-masochism, bondage, watersports …"

"No! Oral sex once, just for a little while, ordinary sex twice. That was all." Monica said glumly.

"All! Did he manage to miss the glass the first time?" Rachel asked, as she had bet five dollars for every act she was unreasonably cross with her slutty friend. Not to mention the fact that Monica would have let her drink the stuff.

"He said I wasn't passionate, so I had to prove I was." Monica said quietly, realizing how stupid it sounded as she said it. "But he did ask me out on a date." She brightened up.

Phoebe looked bewildered, "That makes things better?" She glanced at Rachel who shook her head, "That makes things better."

Monica smiled, "Yeah. I have a boyfriend now."

"Did you get to win?" Phoebe asked, remembering what Monica had said earlier.

Monica had cast aside her depression. He had tricked her in order to date her. That must mean he was really keen on going out with her. "Yeah, I reckon I got first prize."