Put to the Test

By Daphne

Chandler and Monica are married but Rachel isn't pregnant (well wasn't that easy). This goes from farce to melodrama and back again.

 

Chandler yelped and woke up. The sheet had got wrapped around a particularly tender part of him that clearly not been as asleep as the rest of him. He looked at the clock 5am, and then at his wife.

"Mon!" He whispered. "Are you awake?"

No answer.

"Mon. Mon." He called much louder. "Are you awake?"

No answer. Chandler tapped her shoulder.

"MONICA."

Monica shifted onto her back. "No." She said coldly.

Chandler moved back down in the bed, at first disappointed, then turned back to Monica and smiled. Slowly he leaned over her, kissed her neck and then down to the cleavage that burst through her nightclothes. His penis jabbed against her leg, leaving a slimy trail where he started to leak in optimistic anticipation. He moved back up and started to lick and nibble her ears. "The bunny wants to run down the rabbit hole." He whispered.

Monica shifted and moaned in annoyance. "Not if he doesn't want his balls smashed he doesn't."

He winced but wasn't giving up that easily. He kissed her neck again. "It's your duty now." He told her.

She shifted away from him, but still kept her eyes closed. "My duty?"

He moved back over to her. "It's your wifely duty to see to my physical needs. It says in the Bible that wives have to submit to their husbands."

"Chandler I was working til midnight, I have to be up at 6 to get ready for the lunch shift. Now go back to sleep!"

Chandler folded his arms, he felt mean now, but still horny. He contemplated going to the bathroom, but he wanted the warmth of Monica, not some cold mechanical release. He stared into the darkness, it had been a while, Monica had seemed agitated recently, probably working too late. But if she was doing the lunch shift she would be home when he finished work, they could have an early night, set some time aside for just them.

He leaned over and kissed her sleeping face. "I'm sorry Mon. Love you."

"Mmm lo.." Monica started to respond then drifted into sleep.

 

Rachel groaned and threw the alarm clock across the room. It was the third alarm clock she had broken that month but she was in no mood for caring. Morning again, 7am, why did morning have to come so early? She threw herself out of the bed and then collapsed back onto it and curled up, just a few more minutes… A few more minutes and then she would have no time to shower. She groaned and stood up again and launched herself into the bathroom.

She ran the water and stepped under the shower, cursed stepped out again and removed her pyjamas. Back under the spray the water started to make her feel better. Her brain started to wake and receive signals from the world around her. She froze, she could see the outline of a man the other side of the curtain.

"Joey are you out there?"

"It's OK. I'm just having a piss."

"Ugghh!, You're pissing?"

"Yeah. " She heard the flush and the water went burning hot and she jumped out screaming.

"JOEY!!"

He looked at her, confused. "Huh? Sorry, did I do something wrong?"

Chandler called out from the kitchen, "Do you two have any bread left as we've run out and I wanted…" He paused when he saw them both. Rachel was naked and dripping wet and Joey was just doing his pants up. "Glad to see you two guys are getting along so well."

"Can you tell Rachel that you never objected to this." Joey pointed to the toilet.

Chandler turned to Rachel who had grabbed a towel to cover her. "I never objected to naked women in my bathroom."

"NO! To me having a piss while you were in the shower." Joey told him.

"You used to piss whilst I was in the shower? Was that why the thing burnt me every couple of weeks?" Chandler asked.

Joey paused. "No…"

"Right, well all I came across for was bread. Do you have any bread?" Chandler asked.

Rachel wrapped the towel around herself and went to the kitchen shelves, they were empty except for some salt. "Old Mother Hubbard been round?" Chandler asked.

"Monica used to do our shopping and you you used to do yours and Joeys. " Rachel moaned.

"You kids not managing on your own then?" Chandler remarked.

"We manage, we just run out of stuff a lot."

Chandler left empty handed, though his brain was pretty full, and Rachel went back to the shower, she still had soap in her hair. "You come in again while I'm in the shower Joey and I'll super glue your penis to your balls."

Joey, who was in his room, glanced down at his erect penis and then at his balls. "No chance." He thought. She would have to break the thing off to get it down there. He heard the water start up and the vivid mental image of her flooded his brain. He went back to masturbating. But the temptation was too great. He went into the bathroom.

"I have a question." He said out loud. The water went off and Rachel pulled the curtain around herself.

"About 5 minutes." She replied.

"Uh?" Joey was confused.

"In answer to the question "How long until I kill you for coming in the bathroom again" the answer is about 5 minutes, as soon as I get the soap out of my hair."

"NO! You said you would glue my penis to my balls."

"Yeah?"

"I just need it explained."

"What Joey, what do you need explained?" She said as if she was talking to a small boy.

He undid his pants and showed his huge erection to her. "How would you manage to glue that to my balls?"

There was a long pause. "Well that answers that." She told him.

"What?"

"How you get so many girls to sleep with you. You really were first in the line when they were handing out those weren't you? Has it always been like that or did you… trap it in a door or something?"

"The end you mean? I was born like it, a bit deformed really."

Rachel shook her head. "Uh, uh, if it was bent the other way, that would be deformed. Bent like that you really are God's gift to women."

Joey grinned. "So I've been told. Something to do with the "oh my" spot?"

Rachel smiled, "I think you mean the "G" spot.

"Yeah. My Mom took me to the Doctor when I was little, it's not that uncommon. There is an operation you can have, but Mom told me that my wife would appreciate it so not to bother."

Rachel looked surprised. "How considerate! Does it show when it's flaccid?"

"Not as much, it just curls a little. You still haven't said how you would glue it to my balls."

"What I meant Jo was when it was not stiff like that. If I glued it down when it was floppy you would never be able to get it like that."

"Oh."

"But now, looking at it, that it would seem a bit of a disservice to women."

Joey grinned again.

"What happens when you piss?"

"Its OK so long as there aren't any hot naked women in the shower."

"No I meant… forget it. It got hard when you saw me naked?" Rachel asked and dropped the curtain. His penis twitched at the sight of her. "Well that kinda answers that question too." She said smiling and grabbed a towel.

"How long before you have to go to work Rach?"

"You're assuming I'm willing to have sex with you? I suppose women are always willing to have sex with you when they see that thing?"

Joey nodded and stroked himself looking at her grinning.

"Well not this one. I have to get to work. Really not a good idea to start having sex."

 

 

Chandler mechanically went through the motions of the working day without toast, without sex and with the muffled vision of a naked Rachel in his head. The Subway was as packed as ever. As every station passed the passengers were more and more compressed. He couldn't help noticing the blonde. Her breasts were so large that she was using double the space of everyone else. What they really needed was someone to get on who was small enough to stand under them so that the space could be properly utilized. He smiled at the thought.

At the next station the press of people getting on lost the blonde even that space and she was pressed right up against him. Out of habit he glanced down. She wasn't wearing a bra. He shifted his eyes away, why did this sort of thing never happen to him when he was single? There was nothing for the woman to hold onto so she just moved with the crush of everyone else, right up against Chandler.

At the next station, out of loyalty to Monica, he shifted around so that he was no longer pressed up against her breasts. But somehow she moved too and instead of her front he found himself pressed right up against her butt. He frantically tried to move but all that did was grind him into the cheeks of her ass. There was no way she was not going to notice that he was growing hard. Any moment she would scream out that he was a pervert. He concentrated on the guy picking his nose, anything to stop the inevitable physical reaction.

The train sped up and it jerked around on the rails. The movement was too much for Chandler; he was as stiff as he had been early that morning. But still the woman didn't complain, she must know, there was no way she couldn't know. He glanced at the blank faces around him and the train started to rock more rhythmically. The last thing Chandler needed. The worries about having an erection were nothing now in comparison with the imminent danger that he was going to cream in his pants. The woman squirmed and pushed herself harder onto him. She knew and she was teasing him. That realization gave him relief and worry at the same time. Chandler was in a desperate state. He moved his hands down to her waist in an attempt to move her off him, but there was nowhere for her to go. The train continued to rock him. The beads of sweat were forming on his forehead and across his upper lip, his breathing sounded like he was running, but still no-one so much as glanced at him.

They were arriving, but Chandler no longer cared about the potential for embarrassment, the disloyalty to Monica, he just need to come and he was very nearly there…

The train stopped and the doors swished open. Chandler cursed, dug his hands into his pockets to pull his coat around him and silently followed the crowds off the train. The blonde was just ahead of him and turned and smiled as she glanced down at his groin. She grinned some more and winked and pulled him by the arm down one of the tunnels that wasn't being used. He had no choice but to follow.

"You wanna finish this properly?" She asked him.

Chandler glanced up and down the tunnel and ran his tongue over his lips as he stared at the woman in front of him.

"You want me to… ? You're going to…? You're prepared to… here?" He stuttered.

"No time like the present."

"What? No I can't… I'm married."

"So? She won't ever know. Go on, nothing much, just finish the body rub, you were nearly there, I could hear your breathing…"

He shook his head and turned to go. "I am really flattered, and incredibly horny, but I would know."

Chandler ran back to the swarming crowds, before his will power broke. He bought some cigarettes at a kiosk then sat on a bench to compose himself. He pulled out the cigarettes lit up, took a very long drag and finally smiled as he thought what Joey would say.

 

Chandler had been dreading the conference. A whole morning talking about statistics. He prepared himself for non-stop monotony and reproached himself for not using the prospect of the meeting to calm him on the train. Doug's voice groaned on as a vague distraction from Chandler's doodles of women's breasts.

Tania was opposite and he noticed that Bill was staring at her. Chandler followed his eyes. Tania's button was undone showing a beautiful lacy cream bra. Tania was so business like that it came as a shock to Chandler that she was a woman underneath it all. He wondered why one of the women didn't tell her about the button. The guys in the room had all clearly noticed, maybe the women just never looked at each other's breasts, except Mandy of course, who was known to be a very active lesbian. But she seemed to be enjoying the view as much as the men. Whatever happened to female solidarity?

Tania used her arms to emphasize a point as she was talking and the next button looked in danger of popping open. Chandler cursed. The world had gone mad, Rachel, the blonde on the train and now this. He decided to put a stop to it. He scribbled a note to Tania and passed it across the table. She read it and quickly did her buttons up smiling gratefully at him. As soon as Doug's back was turned a barrage of paper balls was thrown at Chandler. He had made himself very unpopular.

As the meeting at last broke up Tania stopped Chandler leaving my holding his arm. He looked down surprised. "I wanted to say thanks, for being a gentleman." She told him.

"No problem." He responded.

"No. It was a nice thing to do. You're a nice guy, not like all those lechers."

He smiled. "I try." He said.

"Let me buy you lunch."

"Oh Tania, I don't know, I'm newly married and people might think.."

"Don't be silly, we're work colleagues, you did me a favor, I'll be offended if you don't let me buy you lunch."

"OK then." Chandler said, not sure how to get out of it.

He had never really talked to Tania. She was everything he wasn't, cool calm and business like. What he had never noticed before was the underlying sexiness that that covered. She drank her coke out of a straw and had an almost pornographic way of using her tongue to take it in her mouth each time she drank. Chandler found himself wondering what she was like when she wasn't so cool, when she was sweating and moaning.

"I used to think you were gay." She told him smiling warmly into his eyes and recognizing the glint in them.

Chandler shrugged. "You and most of the women apparently."

"You should be pleased."

"Oh yeah, its great." He said sarcastically.

"We all thought you were too nice, affectionate, intelligent and funny to be straight." He jumped as he felt her foot rub his leg. "And your butt is just too cute. Next time you walk through the main office turn round quickly." She grinned. "Maybe not, you'll catch us all staring at you." Her foot started to rub dangerously high.

"We'd better go. I have that budget meeting to endure." He said quickly.

She shook her head. "Didn't you hear? Brian is off sick so the meeting has been put back a week." She looked him straight in the eye. "You have a free afternoon."

He sighed, "Look Tania, I'm very happily married and…"

"Yeah, you don't know how much more attractive that makes you. I only ever do it with married guys. "

"You do?"

"Yeah. Who wants someone that no one else wants? And there is no danger that they will want to get involved and start thinking that they can control me."

"I can't imagine anyone controlling you."

"You don't have to imagine… if you want... no strings, unless you want strings! Just a one time thing?"

Chandler grinned to cover his embarrassment. "This is really flattering and believe me the idea is very appealing but…"

"OK you don't have to spell it out. You're a sweet guy. I thought you would probably be a faithful one but it was worth a try, and if ever you need it, well ya know.."

 

Chandler made his way back to his office in a daze. He stopped and brought some wine and thought about what Monica and he would do when he got home. The thought made him smile.

After Tania's comments he walked very self-consciously through the main office keeping his back to the walls as much as he could.

Cheryl, Mandy's PA looked at him nervously as he approached. "You're back early Mr Bing. I thought you were in a meeting all afternoon?"

Chandler shook his head and maneuvered so that his butt was hidden from her, then noticed that she was looking at his crotch. "Cancelled." He said and made a lunge for the sanctuary and privacy of his office. The door didn't open and he bashed himself against it. He looked in embarrassment at Cheryl. "Locked." He said, in unnecessary explanation as he rubbed his head. "Did Heather go to lunch and lock it?"

Cheryl grinned, he was just so cute. "Something like that."

He fished in his pocket for the key, Cheryl was still watching him. "Have you no work to do?"

"I'm on my lunch break. You wanna go get a coffee while we wait for Heather to… finish her lunch?"

Chandler shook his head and in relief found the key. He opened the door and stood for several seconds with his mouth open staring at the scene in front of him. Heather and Mandy were almost naked on the floor, although they had separated as the door opened it was clear that they had been actively engaged in mutual oral sex, a full lesbian 69 had been taking place on his office floor.

He turned round to Cheryl's smirking face in the main office. "I told you Heather was having her lunch." She told him and he switched his attention back to the scene in his office.

 

Chandler bounced up the stairs to the apartment. Monica was on the phone. She seemed flustered when she saw him, and quickly finished the conversation. But she greeted him warmly.

"You OK?" He asked, concerned.

"Just didn't expect to see you so early."

"I couldn't stop thinking about you. I'm not disturbing anything am I?" He leaned over her, kissing her neck seductively. "Can we go to bed Monica? I have never been so horny in my entire life."

She put her arms around him and he moved up to her mouth, luxuriating in the warmth of her body against his.

"You still needing that loving you wanted this morning?" She asked him.

"Like you wouldn't believe."

She kissed him again. "My poor baby. Did you have a hard day?"

He smiled. "Yeah I was hard all day."

As they kissed a card dropped out of her hand.

Chandler heard the click as the card reached the floor and bent to pick it up. Monica tried to snatch it back.

Chandler read the words out loud. ""Betty Robinson's Detective Agency. Don't wait for your man to cheat. Find out if he is capable of it with our attractive decoys."" Chandler stared at Monica at first in disbelief "Oh Jesus." He said, ashen faced and let her go. He walked to the couch and sat with his head in his hands.

Monica rushed over to him and sat down. "I'm sorry. I had to know."

Chandler kept his head in his hands. Eventually he looked up at her. It was not the Monica he thought he knew. What happened to the warm, trusting relationship he thought they had? That was just it, it only existed in his mind. Not in hers. "Why, why did you have to know now? Did I give you some reason not to trust me?"

"No. But I'm not as attractive as other women and I overheard Tania at the office party saying how much sexier you were now that you had the confidence of a married man…. and you never had much luck before so I thought you might cheat if you were suddenly given a load of chances you never had."

Chandler's mind went over the day. The more he thought about it, the more horrified he became. "You set them up to do that to me?" He said in an incredulous whisper.

Monica shifted uneasily. He was angry, she had never seen him so angry, so angry that he could hardly speak, so angry that his voice was strangled. "I asked Tania a while back if she would check you out for me and the agency set up the girl on the train, she's a call girl."

"What about Mandy and Heather?"

"Who?"

"So its just a coincidence that my new PA and Mandy Ellis chose today to ask me to join them in a lesbian romp in my office?"

Monica looked at him in disbelief. "They asked you to join in?"

He nodded. "I would normally have thought it was odd, ya know, but after the day I had, it seemed very common. I caught Rachel naked coming out of the shower. I only wanted toast! A woman tried to have sex with me on the train, a colleague asked me to take part in a bondage session with her…. What's a little lesbian scene after than lot! So I let them get on with it and came home. Strange coincidence." He didn't believe her, but then how could she or the agency have set that up?

"Did you join them?" Monica couldn't resist asking.

"Oh my God!" Chandler responded now really angry. "You're going to have to see someone, if you're this paranoid about me…you're going to have to see someone. I love you you silly bitch. I love you. I only want to be with you. Today was horrible. That girl on the train, she rubbed me with the cheeks of her butt until I was on the verge of coming - in public! I had no choice, I couldn't move. How would you feel if some really hot guy started to grope you in public?"

"I'm sorry I was paranoid." Monica said, head down.

"I thought we were best friends. I thought we talked about everything. There is nothing I wouldn't tell you about how I was feeling but you… you set me up to try to get me to cheat!" He stood up, he could hardly look at her. He wanted to hit her, to scream at her. His voice was tight in an effort to control it. "Yeah, you are paranoid. I'm going out. Don't expect me back tonight will you?"

"Where are you going?" She followed him and pulled at his arm to stop him leaving.

He looked down at her arm, the third arm today that had pulled at him. He looked at her in contempt. He just wanted to hurt her. "To see if Heather and Mandy still want me to join them. I've needed a fuck since first thing and I couldn't do it with you, not anymore. Unless you want to save me some money and act the prostitute yourself, we could re-enact the train scene?"

He slammed the door and then glanced around the hallway and realized he couldn't go anywhere, he couldn't see anyone. He sunk down and sat on the step. It was as if all his beliefs about his life had been shown to be false. He put his head in his hands and fought back tears. He made plans to disappear, to get away from her. Then he thought of her warm body, her frightened face and through the anger a glimpse of how she must have been feeling began to break through. Jealousy was the ugly side of love. No-one had ever shown any jealousy to him before. Then the memory of what she had put him through made the bile rise up again in his stomach. The door opened, and Monica stood watching him, unable to say anything. Chandler couldn't even look at her. He stood up and kept his head turned away..

"I'm sorry Mon. I have to go. I can't stay here. You're not Monica any more, not the Monica I thought you were. You're a stranger. I don't want to get to know this Monica. Do you mind if I get some things?" He pushed passed her to the bedroom and grabbed a bag, the tears started to fall and he sniffed and tried to stop them. He grabbed handfuls of clothes and threw them into the bag without looking.

Monica tried and failed to wrestle the bag from him. "Chandler no! I'm sorry. It was silly, but I have seen so many marriages break up and I needed to know that ours wouldn't before I had our child. Ross knew how worried I was and heard of this agency…"

Chandler stopped trying to pack and looked at her for the first time since the hall. "What? What did you say? Are you pregnant?"

Monica nodded, tears now falling from her eyes.

"Is that why you were paranoid? Hormones?" He asked more softly

"I don't know, possibly. All I know is that you were a commitment freak and you didn't like me when I was fat and now I will be fat and horrible for months. I kept thinking you would go off." Chandler was listening now. "You know when you're waiting for bad news, sometimes you just need to hear it so it's over, so that you can deal with it and move on. I needed to know. I badly needed to know. It was eating me up."

Chandler's anger was no longer important. He closed the gap between them and put his arms around her and kissed her hair. "Oh Monica. You crazy irrational screw up. You're pregnant!" He smiled through his tears as the news finally hit him.

"You're not leaving any more?" She asked.

He pulled away and held her chin. "I don't think I ever could." He smiled warily. "But I got a bit further in my packing than Vegas!" The memory of his jealousy of Richard very vivid. He kissed her, it was intended only to show her affection and reassurance. But anger, upset and tension were only still only just below the surface, and he still needed her, and only her, whatever she'd done he needed her. As he kissed her he became very aroused. His hands started to pull and tear at her clothes as he groped her.

Monica pulled away from him. The passion he was showing so soon after anger concerned her, his eyes were hooded with grief or anger or lust, it was difficult to tell. "Chandler I don't think this is the best way.."

He put his finger to her lips. "We'll talk again after I've shown you how much I like you." He paused and looked at her concerned face. "I won't hurt the baby?"

"If you're not too rough."

She was still uncomfortable and nervous of him but it seemed impossible to deny him. To save her clothes she stepped back and stripped in front of him, for the first time slightly embarrassed. He dropped his own clothes and joined her on the bed. Her body already looked different, her breasts were fuller and her hair and skin glowed even more than ever. He stroked her naked body and her still flat stomach. The stomach that carried his child. He looked into her eyes and felt a stab of pain again at what she had done. It was ugly and unnecessary…. but it showed she cared. The part of him that loved Monica more than he had ever loved anyone or anything wanted to give her the reassurance she needed. It seemed necessary to show her straight away how attractive he found her, how much he loved her.

He started to move his hands over her breasts and his lips moved down to join them. The breasts that would be feeding his child. She yelped and his eyes shot open. "Tender?" He asked her.

"Yeah, very, just be gentler with them." He stroked them gently and examined them. The nipples were bluer than normal and puffy. He had changed her body.

He hadn't expected to feel like this but the pregnancy gave her an extra sexiness. It was the extreme evidence of her being a woman, his woman. A fantasy shot into his head of making love to her when she was heavily pregnant.

"How long until you start showing?" He murmured, kissing her ear.

"I don't know, another couple of months."

"Can't wait." He whispered.

"It turns you on?" She said surprised and strained her neck to look at him.

"Funnily enough. Perhaps it's one of those survival instincts: you know to keep the father around to look after the mother. Perhaps fathers are programmed to find pregnancy a huge turn on."

"Never heard that one. It just sounds like another excuse for you being a pervert." She regretted the words as soon as she said them. It was too soon to joke like that with him.

"I'm YOUR pervert." He said recognizing her expression and glossing over it for her.

She kissed him lovingly, his face had returned to the Chandler she knew, lust was still there but it was tinged with a loving tenderness far from the frightening anger. "You won't go off me when I'm fat?"

He kissed her back. "I'll never go off you Monica. I'll love you until I have no teeth and my penis has shriveled up and you can't tell where my butt ends and my legs start and…"

"Enough already. You don't really expect me to love you when you look like that?" She said teasingly, it eased the tension.

"Yeah you will Mon. Because you will know that underneath all that flabby skin is me, and you love me."

"I'll never look like that. As soon as it all goes south I'll have it all lifted up again. If I live to be a hundred they will be able to make another me from all the spare skin they've lifted and snipped off."

Chandler frowned at the thought. "You know Mon I think you've just succeeded in turning me off."

She put her hands into his groin and rubbed the hair that grew around his balls. "You wanna put it back in the nest?"

"No. Just no more talk about flabby old bodies, just beautiful, blooming, fertile bodies." He kissed her tummy. "At least we will now have someone to choose our old folks home for us."

She smiled and shifted as his legs glided over hers. He carefully kept his weight off her and watched her face for signs of discomfort as he pushed to join their bodies.

"OK? Tell me if I hurt?" He asked anxiously as he started to move in her.

"It feels good."

His eyes closed and he felt the familiar texture of her rubbing against him.

She watched his face, the face of the man that the detective agency had said was the most loyal that they had encountered in 20 years of setting men up. She loved him until it hurt. Unusually she was slightly detached from the arousal that Chandler was experiencing. It was deliberate; she wanted to watch him. He wasn't thrusting quickly but she could tell by his expression that he was nearly there. His eyes were open now and glazed, he paused slightly, he was trying to hold back for her sake. She let the muscles of her vagina ripple around him.

His face contorted. "Ah Monica, I'm sorry, I'm coming!" She held him and rocked with him as he tensed and flooded her with the frustrations of the day. He collapsed on top of her before he remembered, then carefully moved off her and looked at her apologetically. "Sorry I was so quick. The main man has had a lot of false starts today."

"Its OK."

He leaned back staring at the ceiling. He felt relaxed for the first time that day. He thought about her day. She must have dreaded phoning the agency to find out if he had stayed true, or the call from Tania...

"You trust me now?" He said, turning to kiss her face and stroke her neck.

"I trust you. Do you forgive me?"

"You've never been jealous before. I can forgive you once but please Monica, never again. It is just so nasty. To pay a woman to see if I would have sex with her… How much did she cost?"

Monica whispered in his ear.

Chandler sat upright, "Jesus for one lap dance! You clearly have no idea of the rates Mon. For that amount you could have got two women to stay the night with me." A question formed on Monica's face and lips. Chandler put his fingers over her mouth to stop it leaving her. "No Monica."

He lay back down and drifted into sleep..

 

Monica was still anxious. She watched his relaxed face and wallowed in her own treachery. She hadn't seen it before. Now it was easy for her to see it in reverse, to recognize how she would feel if he had done the same to her. But the crises was over. She got out of bed and unpacked his bag. She smiled, half of the clothes he had thrown in were hers. The only underwear that had gone in was one tiny red thong and her wonderbra. She finished, sat on the bed beside him and looked again at his sleeping face. He looked so innocent. Ross, why did she listen to Ross? Ross should have told her Chandler was loyal, not reminded her of Carole, made her suspicions worse. She stroked Chandler's hair and kissed his cheek then got up and went into the living room. Rachel and Phoebe smiled when they saw her .

"Now that's what I call an early night!" Phoebe exclaimed suggestively.

Monica hushed her. "Today was the day."

"Oh my God!" Rachel rushed to her friend. "He passed?"

Monica nodded. "Yeah but then he found out what I'd done."

"Upset?" Phoebe asked.

"Yeah, and thinking about it, so would I have been. I can't believe I did it. Why did I do it?" Monica put her head in her hands. "Why did I let Ross talk me into it?"

Rachel hugged her. "You needed to know. I assume from the early night that he's forgiven you?"

Monica smiled. "I have the most loyal husband. It's official. The agency told me that. He turned down sex with four women even though he was really horny."

Rachel looked surprised. "Four?"

Monica glanced over. "Yeah, the call girl, Tania, his PA and Mandy?"

Phoebe frowned. "Mandy, lesbian Mandy came onto Chandler?"

Monica nodded. "He was seeing naked women everywhere today.. eh Rach?"

Phoebe looked startled. "You got Rachel to hit on Chandler?"

Monica and Rachel looked at each other slightly embarrassed.

"Chandler told you?" Rachel asked.

Monica nodded. "He told me he went round for toast and caught you coming out of the shower."

Rachel smirked. "You wanna know the rest?"

"Oh my God!" Monica exclaimed, laughing as Rachel told her the full story.

Phoebe chuckled. "So Joey's little General has a wonky helmet? Are we talking just a bit skewed or a 90 degree bend?"

Rachel started to draw and they all leaned over and gasped. Rachel nodded. "If he was a dildo they'd charge a fortune for him."

"No wonder he's so happy to strip off in front of women. Remember when you first met him Mon?" Phoebe asked. "He's lucky it doesn't bend the other way, it'd be no good then."

Monica shook her head, "You'd just have to do it doggy style to get the benefit then."

Rachel nodded. "I hadn't thought of that. How come you never told us about Joey's thing when you saw it?"

Monica shook her head. "I didn't know! I tried not to look."

"Was he standing to attention?" Rachel asked.

Monica considered. "He was kinda at half mast, but I hadn't touched him so..."

Phoebe grinned. "I bet you wish you had now."

Monica shrugged. "I'm quite happy with what Chandler has. I've had a guy with a wonky one and yeah the sex is good but it’s the engine behind the piston is that makes for great sex."

Rachel grinned. "It depends whether you want to marry the piston or just get dirty with the engine for a while. Does it make it more difficult for him to penetrate?"

Phoebe laughed. "At least it would be harder for him to fall out at a crucial moment." She indicated with her fingers, "He'd be kinda hooked in there."

They all giggled.

Monica answered the question. "You notice it more when it goes in, he can't just slip in like when its normal and pointed, it takes a bit more of a push. You have to be good and ready and I wouldn't want to be a virgin and sleep with a guy like that. But once it's in, its like being in heaven."

Phoebe smiled. "I though you said it was the engine that made for hot sex?"

Rachel sighed. "I know I shouldn't and he's a friend and he's my roommate and he's… well Joey. But oh my God that thing looked fun. Perhaps if I just go in there one night, get some service and then deny it in the morning."

Monica shook her head. "That's what I thought I could do with Chandler in London but it doesn't work like that."

Chandler emerged from the bedroom. Monica leapt up and kissed him affectionately, he was slightly cooler, more wary. He came to sit with the girls and held a glass out whilst Rachel poured him some wine. No one had noticed that Monica wasn't drinking any. Chandler flushed slightly when he glanced up at Rachel, remembering the fuller view he had had of her that morning.

"Joey behaving?" He asked her.

"Not really, but he's Joey, you gotta expect it."

There was a pause in the girls conversation whilst they tried to think of another subject. Chandler picked the drawing up. "What's this?" Monica grabbed it off him. "What was it?" He put his arms around her to grab it and she threw it to Phoebe.

Joey and Ross came in behind her and Joey took it off Phoebe. "Is this what you wanted Chandler?"

The girls all charged towards him but too late. Joey looked quickly at the drawing, screwed the paper into a ball and threw it down. He gave Rachel a very sad look and left.

"What's up with Joey?" Ross asked confused.

Chandler gave Ross an evil look. They needed to have words about his suggestion to Monica, but not now, in front of the others. He was more upset than he could admit to Monica. Part of him speculated how easily it would have been for him to have let the woman on the train finish him. He had been very aroused. What then? The end of his relationship with Monica because of a purely physical slip up that had nothing to do with his feelings for her and that had almost been forced on him. He held his head down and fiddled with the paper that Joey had screwed up, smoothing it out. He was so deep in thought that he didn't register the nature of the drawing, when he did he went white. "Jesus Monica, isn't there anything private us?"

He stormed into their bedroom and slammed the door. Phoebe and Rachel stared after him then at Monica who nodded.

Ross looked very bewildered. "Could someone explain what is happening here?"

Rachel shrugged. "I'd say Joey and Chandler had far more in common than they realized."

Phoebe looked accusingly at Monica. "Yeah and Monica married her favorite piston without letting us in the secret. It seems we don't share things any more."

Ross stared again at the picture. "What is this?"

"If you don't know Ross I think in fairness to Joey and Chandler you should stay not knowing." Monica told him quietly. "I need to go do some damage control."

Chandler was sitting on the bed reading. His face was set in a frown. "It wasn't my drawing and it wasn't of you." She told him quietly. "And until you reacted like that no-one knew that you were… unusual in that department."

He looked up. "I know what it was and you wanted to hide it from me. You were all having a laugh at my deformity. What is it with you today? Are you determined to destroy any trust there is between us?"

"That's going to be with us a while isn't it?"

"What if I had gone with the woman on the train? She got me so that I was about to come. You know what that moment's like? Nothing matters any more. Would you have aborted our child, dumped me. Ended us?"

Monica sat down next to him. "I don't know. I hadn't thought it through."

Chandler looked at her angry again, he didn't want to be but some things needed saying. "Had you thought through how I would feel having my wife draw pictures of my penis to have a laugh with our friends?"

"No, no you have that all wrong. Phoebe and Rachel were saying that a penis shaped like that would be God's gift to women because of its potential for hitting all the right areas. And it was Rachel's drawing, not mine."

Chandler put down the book and smiled shyly. "They said that?" Monica nodded. "Why did Rachel draw a penis shaped like that?"

Monica paused. "There was something in Cosmo and Rachel was telling us how amazing it must be to have sex with someone shaped like that and Phoebe didn't know what she meant, and I pretended not to understand so she drew it. And when you came in, well it was embarrassing for the others, and I thought you might get the wrong idea."

"But they know now?"

"Well yeah. You saying what you said."

He smiled and held his arms out to her. "Is that how you feel about it?"

She kissed him. "Of course."

"It always made it difficult with women because its kinda embarrassing and you and me, well we never spoke about it. I'd always hoped you'd never noticed."

Monica tried not to smirk. How could she not notice? "Were you born with Peyronie's disease or did it develop?"

Chandler looked at her sharply. "You been researching me?"

She smiled. "I was marrying you. I kinda had a vested interest in that part of you." She stroked his hair. "Rachel said that some men use it as a way of getting lots of girls to sleep with them."

Chandler grinned. "I used to try and hide it… If I had known that years ago…?"

"Maybe we wouldn't be together and you wouldn't be such a nice guy."

"But hell, all that sex I missed out on! Can I see that Cosmo article?"

Monica inwardly groaned. "Can't you just remind me how good it feels again?"

"You want it again?"

She nodded. "I was still upset before. I need to be with you."

"You sure this is safe? Have you told anyone else about the pregnancy?"

She shook her head. "Too soon, I didn't really want to tell you yet."

He smiled and pulled her to him. "I'm glad you did. It is mine too." He kissed her, "Can I speak to your doctor? I want to know that all this sex is safe."

"I have a book you can look at. It says sex is safe so long as the man is gentle, I'm not woken up for it and the man makes me breakfast in bed in the morning."

Chandler grinned. "Aren't you supposed to be sick in the morning?"

Monica shrugged. "I'm just hungry." She grinned suggestively, undid his pants and peered down. "Really hungry. I was trying to keep this quiet from the others too." She said and started to stroke him.

"Did you tell them that you had a tilted uterus?"

"I can't say it came up. It doesn't make so much difference really, only when I try to conceive."

He looked confused. "Really? The doctor told you that?"

"When he examined me. He said that I was lucky as it can make it difficult to conceive because.. things are normally released further away."

Chandler thought for a minute. "Are you telling me that the shape of me helped to get you pregnant and that you might have had problems with other guys?"

Monica nodded. "See we were meant to be. Nature wanted us to get together."

She leaned in to kiss him and they started to make love. As he moved on top of her she braced herself. The initial penetration was always uncomfortable. It was a pleasurable discomfort if she was ready for him. He had nothing to compare it. She had found that since she had lost her virginity most men slipped in as a natural part of the love making. With Chandler there was always a pause whilst he held her tightly so that he could use the necessary force to enter her. She wondered for a moment if Joey coped as sensitively and then moaned as Chandler was in and she felt the familiar sensation as he rubbed against her at exactly the right spot. He leant down and kissed her.

 

"Joey!" Rachel called.

Joey came out of his room with the face of an angry two year old. "You were laughing at me!"

"No, the opposite. I was just asking the girls if they had ever seen one like it to see if they knew whether it felt as good as I thought it would feel and Monica said she had once and it was fantastic." Rachel paused and considered. "Hell she has it every night! …." She said to herself in annoyance and then looked up at Joey. "Look I'm sorry if I embarrassed you."

"We're roomies, we should be able to have secrets."

Rachel nodded reassuringly. "Yeah. I bet you and Chandler had lots of secrets. Did he know about your…"

"Guys don't talk about that sort of thing."

"You never discussed it, or looked at his…"

"No!"

"Oh. Did any of his girlfriends make any comments…"

"Why are you so interested?"

"Just talking to Monica, you know."

"Did Monica say something about his wedding furniture?"

"No…"

"Rachel?"

"Ok. Keep it quiet but I think I know why Monica found Chandler so good in bed."

"Why?"

Rachel smiled. "He's been screwing around corners too!" Joey looked offended again. "Ah cut the sensitive crap, you know that I think its sexy."

"You do?" Joey smiled.

"Yeah. I told you that this morning."

"You shouldn't have told me about Chandler. Now I know you can't keep secrets."

"Come on Joey, when have I ever kept a secret?"

Joey shrugged. Phoebe came in. "Rachel your Dad's on the phone."

"What, why did he phone me at Monica's?"

"I don't know." Phoebe whined. "Aren't you going to get it?"

Rachel huffed and left.

"Did Rachel ever tell you how bendy I am?" Phoebe asked Joey seductively. Joey looked confused so Phoebe continued. "I can put my legs behind my ears."

Joey looked pleased and startled as he understood. Phoebe moved over to Joey. "Can I see what you showed Monica and Rachel? Cause I'm much more generous. You and me have always been close. Don't you think its time we got a little closer? See if I can sharpen your pencil?"

"Well if you wanna I suppose I could…" He had to stop in mid sentence as Phoebe pushed her mouth up against his and pushed him into his room.

Rachel had arrived at the other apartment and immediately found that the call was a lie. Ross was watching the discovery channel seemingly unaware of the noise Monica was making in full appreciation of her husband's attributes.

"Jesus!" Rachel exclaimed in disgust, and frustration.

"Yeah, you'd never know that they made them that small." Ross commented on the program he was watching.

"Can you not hear that Ross?" Rachel moaned pointing at the door.

Ross listened. "We were like that once Rach." There was a high pitched scream from the bedroom. "Well maybe not quite like that. What's wrong with her? She never made that much noise with other boyfriends." Ross said, now with as much disgust as Rachel.

"At least they’ve finished." Ross and Rachel listened for a moment and the moans started up again.

"I think they're in there for the night." Ross commented.

"I'm going back to my apartment to find out why Phoebe…" She paused, the answer to her own question hit her and she charged across the hall.

Rachel could immediately hear that she was too late.

Rachel huffed again. She would never get one now. She was stuck with the straight guy. She went back to Monica's.

"Come on Ross, we're gonna have sex." Rachel told Ross calmly.

Ross looked up and checked that he had heard her right. "Sex, you want to have sex?"

"Yeah you remember sex right? Well I need it now. Chandler and Monica are at it and Phoebe has thrown Joey into bed, we're the other couple so lets stop smart assing around and get down to it."

Ross hesitated. "Well I don't know if that's such a good idea…"

"I don't care whether you think it's a good idea. Can you get and sustain an erection?" Ross nodded. "Right you'll do then."

Ross followed Rachel meekly back to her bedroom. The groans coming from Phoebe through the wall were vibrating the entire room.

"Hear that?" Rachel asked Ross. He nodded again. "You need to make me feel like that."

"Um Rach."

"What?"

"The get an erection part. I like you when you're soft and vulnerable. When you're all bossy like that it reminds me of Monica and I can't…"

"Are you impotent?"

"Not yet." He said quietly.

"What do you mean not yet? Do you or don't you have an erection?" She demanded.

"I don't." Ross said apologetically.

Rachel huffed again and stripped off her clothes. "That help?"

Ross nodded. "Can you be a tad more vulnerable?"

She lay naked on the bed and writhed around a bit for him. She dipped her finger in her mouth and ran it down over her nipples to her groin.

"That better Ross?"

He took a sharp intake of breath and nodded. She sucked on her finger again and parted her legs.

He stripped off quickly and joined her on the bed.

"Have you ever thought of having an operation?" She asked him looking down at his penis.

"What sort of operation?" He asked worried.

 

Dedicated to "sufferers" of Peyronie's disease and paranoid women.