Chandler squirmed and looked up to the ceiling as if looking for inspiration. Ross was so stunned that he just stared at him in disbelief. Eventually Chandler said.

"That's not strictly true."

All but Monica, who was biting hard on the corner of her thumbnail and looking intently in the opposite direction, stared at Chandler in disbelief. His voice was hesitant, as if checking he was getting things right. "Monica made me lick honey off… her..." He gestured around his groin so that he didn't have to say the word.

"Not the other way round."

"Oh well that's OK then." Ross said sarcastically.

"Glad you're taking it so well." Chandler responded quickly, pretending to take his words at face value. He patted Ross on the back then quickly left, diving across the hall as if on fire. He managed to lock himself inside his apartment before Ross reached it and started pounding on the door.

"You come out here, you come out here now do you hear me?"

Ross heard a muffled voice through the door. "Chandler no esta aqui, me llamo juan cortez."

He paused, realized that Chandler was not going to open the door and went back to Monica's.

"I want the key Joey. Give me the key to your apartment." He demanded.

Joey looked at him doubtfully, a little nervous because he could see how cross Ross was, "It won't do you any good. Chandler would have bolted it from the inside. "

"When he comes out… when he comes out I'm going to give him an ass kicking…"

Rachel put her hand on his arm, "Can't you leave it Ross. Don't you think it's nice for Monica that she and he have found each other?"

"Nice! My best friend and my sister have been behaving like a couple sex starved bunny rabbits…."

Monica turned to her brother with a look of horror. Phoebe looked confused. "Do rabbits withdraw then? Oh you mean doing it without condoms. I don't think rabbits ever use condoms - they would get their claws caught."

Ross put his hands over his eyes to block out the mental image.

Monica jumped up and began to throw pans into the sink. Joey looked at her with some concern. "Look Ross your sister's hot, really hot. Take if from me - if you lined up a hundred guys and let them watch your sister shower the only ones who wouldn't then try and mount her would be the gay ones." Joey told him, as if that explained everything. He noticed that that Ross looked no calmer. "And last night they were both hammered, well and truly hammered." He continued.

"Chandler should watch what he drinks if it makes him so horny that he has to start trying to rut with my sister…" Ross replied.

"Rachel and I spiked their drinks to get them together again." Joey interrupted.

Rachel winced as both Monica and Ross looked daggers at her.

"They're sweet together can't you see it Ross?" Rachel tried to explain.

"The only thing sweet about that horny little bastard is the honey he managed to get on his dick when he stuck it in my sister."

Monica could contain herself no longer and threw a plate at Ross. He ducked and it landed with a crash behind him. She was furious with Rachel and Joey for getting her drunk, with Phoebe for letting Ross know what had been happening, but mostly with Ross for making it sound so dirty. "Perhaps if you and Rachel had got hammered one night the rest of us wouldn't have had to put up with all this "will they won't they " crap. Ross, Rachel likes you and what's more, she knows you like her…Ok so you like to posture and bitch over it for years, too indecisive to make a move on each other. Chandler and I found we wanted each other and got on with it. So it was bit quick, a bit sudden, at least the rest of you haven't had to listen to either of us moaning. "

There was an embarrassed silence for some minutes.

Joey was the first to break it. "I've had to listen to some moaning..."

Later that day Monica came to find Chandler. He was sitting with Joey in the new chairs and watching the TV that Joey had just bought.

Chandler barely looked up, "Ross cooled down? If not can you put the bolt back on the door?"

"He kinda has something else on his mind now." Monica looked a little guilty. She followed Chandler's eyes. "Is that Wallace and Grommit?" She perched on the arm of his chair. He put his hand around her waist and she registered with a smile that it was the first time that he had been affectionate towards her like that since they had showered together. Best of all it felt really natural, until he started stroking her butt in full view of Joey.

But Joey, like Chandler, had his eyes and his mind fixed firmly on the TV.

"You know the same guys who made this are making a movie all about a chicken farm." She told them, feeling a little put out that she was getting so little attention.

"That will be so cool, a whole feature length movie." Joey said enthusiastically.

Chandler wasn't so impressed. "All about chickens? I'll be sure to miss that."

Monica slipped into his lap. "Why?"

"It's obvious. It will be the ultimate chick flick." Chandler replied, nestling Monica comfortably on his lap he kissed her absently on the cheek, still not taking his eyes off the TV.

They continued to watch for a while. Joey glanced across at Chandler and Monica. "Are you guys going out on a date or something tonight or are you just going to grope each other in front of me?"

Monica shifted Chandler's hand. Chandler glanced at her and kissed her on the cheek again. "Nah, it's much more fun when we stay in." Chandler responded not noticing the way Monica froze.

"I'm out tonight anyway." Monica told them both. She waited for Chandler to say something but his attention was still on the TV. So she got up to go.

"I'm catering for a friend of my parents." She said out loud to a very inattentive Chandler. "But if you would like to take me out somewhere tomorrow…" Chandler was ignoring her, "If you can bare to tear yourself away from the TV."

"Right." Chandler responded with his eyes and his attention still fixed on the TV. "Do you want to do it here or at your place tonight?"

Monica left without another word. When the door shut Chandler at last glanced up. "Doesn't Monica like Wallace and Grommit?"

The guys were not disturbed again until Phoebe came round mid-afternoon wondering where they were.

"Have you two lazy boys moved all day?" She asked them.

"What for?" Asked Chandler.

"So that Monica doesn't find another boyfriend."

Chandler looked up surprised. "Is she upset with me or something? We had a great night . Why should she be upset with me?"

"Maybe because you haven't spoken to her all day after your great night."

"I'm supposed to talk to her? No one told me I was supposed to talk to her. I mean normally you say "I'll give you a call." Then you have a day to recover in peace with your friends and another to make sure she knows you're not too desperate and then… I should go over and talk to her?"

Phoebe and Joey both nodded in a way that said, "Of course."

Chandler jumped up, "Hell why didn't you tell me? Monica always tells me this stuff and even then I get it wrong most of the time. I'm gonna mess this up?"

Phoebe and Joey both nodded in a way that said, "Of course."

The apartment was quiet when he entered.

"Mon!" He called out and she emerged from the bathroom where she had been cleaning. "Are you feeling any better?"

"The hangover's gone if that's what you mean. The pills don't seem to be making me as sick this time." She tried to keep any emotion out of her voice. She didn't want to sound needy.

"Good. That's good. It will be even better when you're on the pill, then we won't have to worry any more."

"If you say so." Hell he could at least explain why he had been ignoring her.

"I'm not very good at this… at all" He said looking into her annoyed face.

"No. You suck."

He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her gently on the lips. "I do care about you."

Monica smiled, very willing to forgive him. "I know. I just need to know what direction we are headed in." She paused, her words faltering, waiting for him to agree after each sentence. "That Ross isn't right? That this isn't sordid?"

"Monica you are easily the sexiest, hottest, bestest woman, I have ever been with but I find it really confusing, and uncomfortable, that you are also my best friend. Since that first time I keep thinking of you as two different people and I want to keep you as two different people so that the sex doesn't get in the way of the friendship or the other way round."

"I'm one person Chandler. Sex should bring us closer not..."

"I do feel closer to you but I've never had sex with someone I care about as much as I already cared about you. The first time we did it I felt lost in you, I was drowning in you, and it scared me. "

She hugged him. "You really are a commitment freak aren't you? Does it matter that you felt so close to me? Perhaps we should just make love, without being drunk, or teasing each other, or playing to each others' fantasies. We should make love as Chandler and Monica, face to face, in private, in a bed, no attempt to separate me out, just let yourself slowly drown. There's nothing to be scared of in falling for someone. It will make the sex even better. I promise."

"Do you think we should try and make love now then?"

"I think we should." Monica answered him sternly.

"Well if we really must I suppose I could manage it - but only because we have to." He said with a smile on his face. "Maybe if I had some photos of you so that I could keep looking at them and get more familiar with the idea of you in a different way I could start to really merge the two Monicas."

"You want photos? Intimate photos?" She asked skeptically.

"It's OK I can develop them myself - these will just be for us."

She smiled slightly and with that he bolted out the door to get his camera. She nervously went to the bedroom. It was a bad idea, she decided as soon as she got there. It went against all she had been trying to tell him.

She looked at him shyly as he entered her bedroom a few minutes later. "I'm not sure about this. I thought we were gonna make love not porn."

"It's OK you don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Just lie on the bed." Seeing how nervous she was Chandler got wine from the kitchen. When he returned he lay next to her and kissed her. He ran his hands over her body to set her nerves tingling and she began to think he had listened. His caresses were loving and playful, more Chandler than anything. He dribbled wine into her mouth and, as he kissed her, he stole some of it back, dipping his tongue into her mouth and very gently caressing her tongue. They relaxed and just slowly became more intimate. She felt his hardness press into her through his pants and pressed up against him.

"It's strange for me too." She said. "Thinking of you with one of these." She gently put her hand against his erection and he pushed against it. "It still feels like we are crossing some great line every time we do it. But we have to find a way to merge the emotions we feel as friends with whatever it is that is happening to us that is being driven by our bodies. Not straight away, but I don't want you fighting against it. "

He replied by kissing her and holding her tightly against him and she put her face into his neck, feeling the warmth of him.

"I want you Mon. I just know that I want you so badly that it's painful." He brought her back down onto the bed and dribbled more wine into her mouth.

"I thought we were going to be sober." She murmured. "I have to cater for that party tonight."

"It's not for hours yet, just relax. It's just a couple of sips. How easy are you?"

She smiled, "You saw me after the vodka."

He returned her smile. "Right."

He gently unbuttoned her blouse and took in the smooth swelling of her chest as it strained against her bra.

"I want to be buried with my head in your breasts." He said as he started to stroke them.

" Yeah - I think that's one fantasy we can leave to one side for now."

Her laughter stopped as he reached for his camera. She held the blouse closed. "I don't know." She protested.

"Ah come on I can't see any more of you than when you're wearing a bikini."

She relaxed a little and let the blouse hang. She was wearing one of her better bras, cream lace, and after a few shots she started to feel a little provocative and thrust her chest out. Taking little direction from Chandler she lay on the bed with her skirt caught up, she was fully aware that he could see her panties.

"Can you lose the skirt and blouse now?" Chandler asked her, and she dropped them onto the floor with very little hesitation, as he said, it was no more than she showed on the beach."

Chandler kissed her again and his fingers slid up to the clasp on her bra, she had been expecting it and stiffened. "Just for me," He whispered, "No-one else will ever see them. People go topless all the time in Europe. It's no big deal and you have beautiful breasts."

"Perhaps that's why they talks so strangely." Monica muttered.

Chandler paused. "What?"

"If they're topless all the time they must get cold, particularly in countries like Norway, so perhaps that's why they talk so strangely, they're really shivering." Even to Monica's ears she knew she was babbling.

"Are you still nervous?" Chandler asked her.

"I know I was a bit of an exhibitionist last night but that was after a lot of vodka."

"No worries. Just let me undo your bra so that I can touch you. That's normal right?"

She let him take her bra from her and drop it to the floor. He kissed and stroked her.

"Jesus if these were mine I'd never get any work done." He murmured as he reveled in her breasts.

She looked down at him kissing and sucking on her and moving his hands over her breasts in almost reverent appreciation. She stroked his head and ran her fingers through his hair. "I always knew you liked them. I caught you looking at them enough times." She paused as he gently bit her nipple. "Ahhh, Chandler, careful Chandler."

She moaned and he pressed his hand between her legs and felt her dampen. She pushed against him.

He pulled away to look into her face. Her eyes were heavy and her mouth was swollen, he knew the signs in her already. "OK now? Can I take some photos of you now - just for us? You can destroy them if you want to. They'll be yours." Chandler whispered.

"Yeah - just for you. Don't let anyone else see them?"

"Of course. Just you me and the internet site…I'm kiddin', just you and me."

She leaned back on her elbows and with her hair down her arched back Chandler took the first topless pictures of her. She quickly accepted him and he ran off half a roll before he put his hand to her panties, and staring into her eyes, he removed them.

The first naked picture had Monica lying on her front, three pictures later he had her stretched out on her back, her arms curved over the end of the bed. Chandler removed all his own clothes and got on the bed with her. He seemed to have forgotten the camera for a minute and she relaxed as he started to kiss and fondle her, all the time whispering how beautiful she was. He ran his fingers over her vagina and moved her wetness out onto her lips. He moved away and noticed that her legs were still bent up expectantly. The lips of her vagina were red and swollen and shone provocatively at him. He grabbed the camera again.

"Can you part them for me Monica?" She brought her legs apart in easy abandonment and pouted at him down his lens. If he wanted pictures of all of her, he was going to get them. A second later she saw the flash go off.

"Pull your lips apart for me like you did on the kitchen table?" He instructed and she put both hands to her vagina and opened herself up for him so that her engorged clitoris was on full display.

He swore under his breath, aware that he had got much more co-operation from her than he had expected. She was now enjoying it almost as much as he was. He wondered how much further she would go.

"Do you have any… toys Monica?"

"In the drawer of my night stand… under the books on geology."

"Geology?"

"Do you want to talk about that now?"

Chandler rushed to the drawer and felt under the books.

"It's in a makeup bag."

"This it?" He pulled out a moulded penis vibrator, trying to hide a look of distaste, it was a bit too realistic for him.

"No that's part of my last boyfriend. He let someone else see some photos." She said sarcastically.

He examined it with interest. "I bet he's allowed to watch Wallace and Grommit all day."

"He doesn't want to. His only function is to bring me to orgasm."

"Now there's a job where Monday morning wouldn't seem so bad."

He held it in his hand and ran it over her lips and she squirmed, "Time he went to work." He held her down by holding her knees and thrust it up into her.

She gasped. "You need to turn it on first." She complained.

"It looked turned on to me."

"Here." She turned the end and it started to vibrate and the head moved around as if searching for something.

"So he's not a steady boyfriend?" Chandler quipped. Then lost all sense of anything as she started to use it in front of him. He sat at the end of the bed so that he got a full view as it stretched her apart. She buried it deep inside herself, instinctively reaching forward to the magic spot she had found on many lonely nights.

He started to stroke himself watching her. He put a condom on knowing that he would not be able to resist her much longer. The camera in one hand he took picture after picture until she got close to orgasm. She started to cry out for him pushing her body up and stretching her legs even further apart as an invitation. He threw the camera to one side, pulled the vibrator out of her hand and then put her legs onto his shoulders and managed to enter her body in time to send her shuddering and crying over the edge. He put his head down and knew that he need only concentrate on his own need and the incredible sensation of her body pulling and massaging against the length of him. He shut his eyes and let his instincts take over. As she came down from her orgasm Monica watched as Chandler grimaced and pumped himself quickly into her. With her legs on his shoulders he crashed a couple of times uncomfortably against her cervix. She bit her lips - so much for making love. The man above her shuddered and groaned as his own relief was quickly won.

Chandler had to wait a few days, until Joey was out all day to develop the photos. The results were so good that he burst into show Monica. She was a little shocked at how intimate they were, though was sneakily pleased that her body looked so good.

"You're proud of these?" She asked him, amused by his enthusiasm.

"They're hotter than anything I've seen in Playboy."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah you look so seductive. They're amazing, the best photos I've ever taken. Too bad I can't show them to anyone else."

"No you can't. I'm not even sure I want you to look at them."

"You know Mon some of these your face is turned away, and the earlier ones are really just your body, they're not pornographic or anything."

"Not pornographic! You've managed to cut this one so that Fred looks like he really is part of a man!"

"Fred?"

"FRED." She said stabbing the photo which included her vibrator.

"Oh Fred. Yeah he does look good. But look at this Mon , and this, no-one would know it's you."

Monica looked closely. "My gynecologist would know it was me." She said after a while.

"I doubt he reads Playboy, too much like work."

"Whoa! Playboy? Why did you mention Playboy?"

"I just thought, if you agreed, we could send some of these off, you know, the ones where you can't see it's you."

"No."

"You look so beautiful."

"No."

"But these are the best I have ever taken. Don't you want to tell your grandchildren that Grandma was once so beautiful that she was featured in Playboy?"

She looked again at the photos. "Well not that one. It makes my butt look big, and look at that one, my feet look enormous!"

"Your feet! Who's going to be looking at your feet?"

She gave him back the photos, "Have you had dinner?"

Chandler paused, not sure if she had just agreed to Playboy or not but not willing to push it any further. "Dinner would be good."

"Right well it's time I got to see you naked again. Take your clothes off and go and lie on the bed."

"Mon?!"

"Do you want your dinner or not?"

"Do I have to be naked?"

"Yeah - I want us to make love, properly make love, the pill should be working now, no more condoms, and we won't be using plates."

Chandler lay naked on her bed expectantly. He felt very vulnerable suddenly and with a pang wondered if that was how she felt about the photos. She came in with the food in dishes with large serving spoons, which she put within reach of the bed. She looked Chandler up and down and gave a broad grin.

"Ross was right about one thing. You are a horny bastard."

"What have we got for dinner?" He asked peering into the dishes, "Not honey?"

"Macaroni cheese and cut up hotdogs"

"My favorite." He said with satisfaction.

"I know."

"Followed by ice-cream and honey."

"Not on me - not the ice-cream! I'll shrivel up."

She kissed him seductively. "Yeah but just think what it will do to my nipples."

He grinned at her. "You're almost perfect."

She frowned. "Almost?"

"You have a brother that wants to kick my ass."

"Oh him. I wouldn't worry about him. He's too caught up in Rachel now and besides" She kissed him seductively, "He has a sister who want to lick your ass."

"And you have a really weird relationship with food."

"Who's calling who weird? Spoken by the guy who enjoys watching almost as much as he enjoys doing it." She said as she started to under do her buttons.

He looked affronted. "Are you calling me a voyeur?" Even as he asked the question he realized that he was speaking to her breasts which he was waiting eagerly to get uncovered. "And the honey hurts when it catches…" He lost interest in what he was saying as she was about to remove her blouse.

"Yeah." She said, playing to his attention by delaying the last button. "Now I know why you watch so much porn."

"I don't need to anymore." He glanced up momentarily to her eyes to check she wasn't really criticizing him. She ran the straps of her bra down and dropped it onto the floor. He didn't want to risk moving his eyes again so continued to speak to her breasts, which didn't look as though they needed any ice-cream. "Anyways you encourage it. You're just as much an exhibitionist so I guess that means we go well together. Do we have coffee?"

"That might be a bit hot. I'm not into sado-masochism so I just thought wine. Unless there's something you've been too shy to tell me so far…?"

He was distracted again by the removal of her panties. He couldn't imagine a greater pleasure in life than watching Monica strip off to get into bed with him. He still felt like he shouldn't see her naked, he wasn't sure whether that feeling added to the excitement or just made him feel guilty. She lay down and cuddled up next to him running her finger down his chin, south down his chest and then scooting around the outside of his genitals. He looked down, frustrated by her teasing yet again. "There is that thing I have about you and a goat."

She looked at him in horror but he could not keep his face serious.

She kissed him on the forehead. Chandler suddenly grabbed her and pushed her down on the bed. He leaned over the bed to grab a spoon and sloshed food over her breasts in generous dollops so that she was paralyzed unless she wanted to get her sheets messy. She lay perfectly still for him whilst he chased macaroni over her body with his tongue and lips. Occasionally he would dribble wine over her breasts and then dive to quickly lick it off her. She couldn't help giggling when it reached her waist or when the cold liquid ran over her nipples.

"Don't I get my dinner yet?" She asked him frustrated. "I'm supposed to go first in this game."

"You wait your turn. You can have your dessert first."

He threw more macaroni over her groin and licked and munched it off her.

"Ugh!" He said suddenly.

"What is it, what's wrong?"

"I think you got hair in my dinner. " He replied straight faced which elicited more giggles from her. It was at this moment that Ross and Rachel arrived back from their first date.

Ross listened to the giggles for a moment. "What the hell do those two get up to?" He asked Rachel. "Do they ever eat off plates any more?"

"Come on it's got to be my turn." Monica moaned from the bedroom. She pushed Chandler onto his back and threw hotdogs and macaroni over his genitals.

"You make sure that you know which is frankfurter, and which is not frankfurter." Chandler reminded her suddenly worried.

Monica playfully took his penis into her mouth and gently rested her teeth on it. He looked down at her. "It won't work if you bite it off."

Outside Ross groaned. "She's going down on him isn't she? Dear God my baby sister is going down on my best friend just feet away from me. Can we do this tomorrow Rachel, preferably some time when Chandler has his pants on?"

Monica and Chandler had now got down to the ice cream. Chandler kept his promise and Monica sloshed a great dollop of ice cream onto his penis. He yelped at the cold, which was quickly soothed by Monica's tongue which ran into every crevice of him. Chandler started to murmur and writhe on the bed. The ice-cream became increasingly salty.

She stopped. "You can have your desert now."

"What? No you keep having desert, I like you having desert."

"No. You have to have desert. Don't forget the honey."

"Do I have to? Can't we do it without the honey, it catches on me?"

"You woos. You know the rule, no honey, no sugar."

She lay down and when Chandler realized there would be no more action from her until he had his ice cream and honey he moved over her, grabbed the tub and smeared ice cream over her nipples. He licked her with a hunger nothing to do with food and when her breasts were cleaned he quickly moved down her body. He took a spoonful of the honey and scooped it up inside her. He followed it with his tongue. She parted her legs and closed her eyes to the pleasurable pulses that started to shoot up her. The bed shook slightly and she sensed that he was rubbing himself against the sheets so she pulled herself round so that she could stimulate him as he stimulated her. The moment she took him back into her mouth he paused his own action. She pulled away after a few minutes.

"Ahh don't stop again." Chandler moaned.

"You stopped."

"I'm a guy I can't do two things at once." He prodded his penis at her mouth again.

She ran her tongue over him and he groaned and pushed excitedly further into her. She pulled away and turned her body back round to face him. She noted that his eyes were focussed only on her body. His mouth reached out for her and he kissed her around the neck then up to her lips, she let his tongue weave its way sensuously around hers before he returned to her neck.

He held her tighter, bent and whispered into her ear. "I love the smell of you, the feel of you and the sensation of our bodies merging together.

Monica smiled broadly. "You know you're in danger of becoming a romantic." .

Chandler smiled back. "Can we do it doggy style then?"

She froze. "Or maybe not."

He went back to kissing her, his penis rubbing with increasing vigor against her legs, which she held closed. She noticed that he was starting to shake and his eyes were almost closed in lust.

"You really need to get off?" She asked.

"MMmmm." He murmured. She watched him squirm for a while stabbing himself at her leg and trying to get her to turn over.

Chandler groaned at her resistance. "Monica you're cruel, really cruel."

She relaxed slightly as he went to kiss her again and this time he managed to get her onto her front. She wriggled under his grasp but he held her firm as he pushed her legs apart with his legs then pulled her up into a kneeling position.

"Chandler, not so rough. I thought we were going to make love." She called out as, for the first time he pushed at her from behind, rubbing his leaking penis up the crack in her backside.

"You're such a tease but I got you now. Is this really safe? The live stuff won't do any damage?"

"It's safe."

"It's difficult to believe. I can come inside you?"

"If we have to do it this way you just make sure you aim right. I've seen how bad your aim is." She responded.

"What?" he asked. "Oh, you want to make sure I don't dive into the wrong hole?" He poked her gently in the anus with his finger.

She yelped. "You keep clear, that part's not yours."

"But my fingers go in fine after a bit and it brought you over the top when we did it on the kitchen table." He reminded her and gave her another couple of prods and felt her muscles relax.

"Chandler, you're a lot bigger than your fingers." Monica wasn't entirely sure whether he was teasing her to get his own back or whether he had a genuine interest in exploring virgin territory. She wriggled and tried to turn over but he held her firm.

Chandler moved his hands around her waist and kissed her slowly and sensuously up her back, round her neck and into her hair.

"You drive me insane." He told her and felt her relax as he slid himself teasingly up and down her crack again. She went with the sensation until he finally pushed hard and entered her vagina. He still held her by her waist to stop her moving away from the force of his thrusts.

"Gently Chandler." Monica murmured again. He heard her and slowed and allowed her to move with him. For several minutes they moved together in one sensuous motion.

Chandler was sweating and breathing heavily. "I need to speed up, can I speed up yet, I can't hold it…?"

"Yeah, not too hard though." Before the words were out he was holding her tightly again and moving faster. He pounded into her with deep, sharp thrusts. Physically he was stimulating her but the coldness of his approach started to cut her brain off, too annoyed with him. She had told him she wanted him to make love to her slowly and sensuously but he was only interested in relieving his own need. His breathing was coming harsh and ragged, he was getting very close. He pulled out one time too far and lost her. He was frantic in his need to get into her again and pushed hard at her. Monica screamed and he realized by that, and the incredible tightness that he had done what he had jokingly threatened to do. He pushed again and Monica squealed beneath him. The tightness was amazing and he was really close. He went to push again and Monica managed to flatten herself on the bed in protest and clamp her legs shut.

"Get off!" She shouted at him angrily, and she managed to move away from under him. Chandler's need to come was so overwhelming that, bewildered, he put his hand around himself and finished the job. It only took two tugs and he was there. Sensing that Monica was watching him with disgust on her face he collapsed face down on the bed to hide the semen that shot out of him. He hadn't had to do that since his mother had come into his room when he was a teenager and caught him masturbating. The memory was suddenly very strong. As he calmed he saw that Monica had pulled the sheets around her and was looking at him in fury.

"It was an accident." He murmured in apology.

"Once might have been an accident, you kept going. It hurt. You hurt me. I can't believe you would do that to me."

"I'm sorry. I was gone."

"Did you like that? Is that what you wanted to do to me?"

"No. Monica please it was just…"

"It was just I wasn't Monica, not friend Monica, I was just a girl? You can't make love to Monica because that would be too serious. That might mean we were in a relationship. That would be Ross and Rachel and you're too scared of commitment. Well I'll make it really easy for you."

The rest of the gang decided that it was best not to interfere in whatever had gone wrong between Monica and Chandler. Phoebe assumed that it was something to do with the TV watching. Rachel had heard the screams but decided to say nothing to Monica. Chandler returned to his marathon TV watching not willing to discuss it with anyone.

Five uncomfortable days later Monica came into Chandler and Joey's apartment ostensibly to speak to Ross, their mother had just phoned, but really she was pleased to be able to show Chandler the fact that she was going out on a date.

"Wow." Ross said looking at her. "You look amazing." He commented, he had never seen her go to so much trouble.

"I've got a date." She told him.

Chandler froze in his seat and Joey glanced over to him.

"A date? With…" Ross asked her.

"A guy."

"Yeah." Ross responded. "I thought it would be a guy. Do I get a name?"

"No. Because the last guy I hooked up with you threatened."

"That was because it was Chandler and you now know I was right."

Chandler frowned but did not want to enter the conversation.

"Well I'm guessing you're not going to be any happier with this choice of date."

"Who is it then: OJ Simpson? Joey?"

"You promise not to go all big brotherish?" Ross nodded. "It's Richard Burke."

"What? You've done having sex with my best friend so you thought you would move onto Dad's!" Ross exclaimed, angrily.

"I wanted to go out with a grown up. A man who knows how to treat a girl. A man who is not scared of being with Monica. A man with a sense of direction." Monica sniped loudly enough for Chandler to hear.

Chandler could no longer contain himself and stood up. As soon as he saw her he too realized the effort she had gone to and then that he had never actually taken her out. That thought was thrown out of his mind when he spotted that she wasn't wearing a bra, her breasts jiggled in free abandonment. He looked around to her butt and could see no panty line… and she was now on the pill…

"Are you going to let your sister go out without any underwear on Ross?" Chandler demanded.

"Not that it is any of your business but I am wearing a thong." Monica retorted.

"That's worse than wearing nothing. Joey back me up here a thong is worse than wearing nothing."

Joey looked up at his friends' anguish. "It depends what you mean by worse. A thong or nothing are both good for me." Chandler stormed across the hall and came back with some large white underwear that he had taken from her drawer.

"Ross tell her she has to wear these."

"I only wear those when I'm going to the doctors. Not on a date when I want to seduce the man." Monica retorted and left without another word.

Ross was nearly as horrified as Chandler. "OK Chandler I don't care what you've done you've gotta seduce my sister again before my Dad's best friend finds out how little underwear she has on."

Chandler went back to his chair sulking, still clutching Monica's underwear "I don't wanna. She treats me like a rude little kid. I may act like one but she doesn't have to treat me that way."

"You gotta." Ross pleaded. "You want to see some old guy doing what you guys did?"

"I'm guessing that Monica's not gonna let me watch. And besides if she does to some old guy what she did to me she'll give him a heart attack, or yank all his pubic hair out. Honey, why always bloody honey? Why not peanut butter or something that tastes good?. Bloody sticky honey. Did she think I wanted my balls waxed? Did she think how painful that might be for me, or whether I even liked honey…?"

"OK Chandler," Ross interrupted, glancing at Joey, "We understand… You don't like honey."

"Did you tell her you preferred peanut butter?" Joey asked to a glare from Ross.

"Oh I tried," Chandler continued, "But she thought that peanut butter would be weird! But honey is perfectly normal? Why do we have to use anything? She produces enough…"

"Enough." Ross interrupted, "I get it. You both out weirded each other in bed. Can you just try to make it up? The thought of her and Dr Burke…Do you want me to suggest to her that you find some, some… some toast spread that you both like that doesn't destroy condoms or act as ball wax."

Chandler looked up at Ross gratefully. "Thanks man. That would be great, if you could. But there was other stuff." Chandler looked embarrassed.

Ross shrugged. "The anal penetration you mean? Rachel told me. Yeah well we've all been there. I once did it to Carol, she didn't speak to me for a week after, but it was almost worth it. Boy was it tight."

"You're not mad at me?" Chandler asked, surprised.

Ross shook his head. "If they insist on having them so bloody close together what do they expect? I mean it's not as if they're labeled…I can tell Monica not to be so anal about it if you like?"

Joey looked at Ross and Chandler in horror, "If you can't tell her ass from her vagina what hope have you got in finding her clitoris? No wonder you two have problems with women. You're a couple of perverts."

Ross and Chandler were stunned. Joey calling them perverts seemed a bit like Bill Clinton complaining about declining standards of morality. They didn't know whether to be flattered or insulted.

Eventually Chandler digested Joey's words, "So am I supposed to know where her clitoris is?"

Chandler settled down to watch TV for the evening, although if anyone had asked him what he had watched he would have been unable to tell them a single program. Of course it wasn't a coincidence that he was taking the garbage out just as Monica and Richard returned from their date. Monica ignored him and went into her apartment.

"So I guess you don't get on with the neighbors?" Richard asked curiously as the door closed.

"He's an immature boy who doesn't know how to treat a woman. "

"Oh." Richard immediately sensed more. But decided to leave things for now. He bent down to kiss her. She felt his moustache tickle her top lip as his mouth was on hers. All she could think was that he didn't smell like Chandler, his lips were not as supple as Chandler's and there was no sense of urgency or passion. He pulled away.

"The immature boy seems to have got under my skin more than I thought." She said as an apology.

"So what did he do?" Richard asked.

Monica blushed. "Can you stay and work on getting him from under my skin? You are just about the nicest guy I've ever been out with and I'm sure I can get rid of Chandler. Just give me half an hour."

Richard smiled guardedly.

They sat on the couch together chatting fairly easily about Chandler's job, about Chandler's family, about Chandler's immaturity and fear of commitment. A couple of times Richard managed to steer the conversation to his children but with remarkable skill Monica steered it right back to Chandler. In frustration Richard began counting mentions of Chandler (123), "Bing" (12), "that boy" (2) and "Chandelier" (1). He assumed it meant the same thing. In disappointment Richard realized the true situation and got up to go.

"I think you need to talk to Chandler. Whatever he's done you need to resolve it." Richard advised her.

"You know I want to have children not to date one." Monica moaned.

Richard considered for a moment. "I couldn't go back to all that." He said seriously.

Monica looked into his face. "I think Chandler might have saved us both a lot of heartache."

Richard nodded, 124 he mentally noted, and put his arms around her comfortingly. "Monica you are a beautiful sexy lady. I feel very honored to have taken you out."

He released her and went to get his coat from behind the door where he was nearly flattened by Chandler storming through the door. Relieved that the room appeared empty he launched into the only way he could think to apologize.

"OK. I promise never to stick it in your ass again, not even by accident, if you like we can do it in the missionary position every time, there will only be one Monica. I will stare into your eyes and you can eat ice-cream off any part of me you want and I will never complain if the honey pulls my pubic hairs when we're doing it. I love you and need you like I've never needed anyone."

Monica put her head in her hands as Richard came out sheepishly from behind the door. "Richard this is Chandler, Chandler this is Richard." She said very formally.

Continued if there is demand only. Otherwise I will write a graphic Richard and Treager piece to punish you all.