By now, it was almost Christmas on the island. For most of the Courteneyians,
it would be their first ever Christmas away from home. So to cheer themselves
up, they decided to have a big durnken orgy to celebrate. Mari was old enough
to buy alcohol for the underage people, and Cali (who had slipped in without
anyone really noticing) even brought a Christmas tree on the plane! And the
Brits made mince pies for everyone. The Americans were scared of the mince pies
at first, because they’d never seen these mince meat pies before, but as soon
as they saw how hyper and happy they made the Brits, everyone was eating mince
pies for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and plenty of snacks in between.
They had decided that to make this Christmas extra special, they would fly to
Malibu and invite Queen Courteney and King David to join them for a durken
orgy. You see, sometimes Queen Courteney and King David had to leave
Courteneyland and live in the Malibu Palace to perform their royal duties and
such. But most of the time, they lived in the wonderful Courteneyland. It was a
beautiful place, where clothes were against the law, Royal Pron won all the
film awards (known as COURTIEs), the legal drinking age was 1 hour old, and the
streets were paved in thongs.
To
help them fly, Christmas tree and all, all the way to Malibu, they decided they
would need something to stop them being scared their rickity little homemade airplane
wouldn’t crash, so they sang Let Your Love Flow the entire way to Malibu, which
worked at keeping them calm, until their pilot jumped out of the cockpit window
rather than listen to them singing anymore, so DMG had to take over the flying
part. This very nearly resulted in the plane crashing into China, because Mari
was mapreading, and she had the map upside down. But eventually, they arrived
almost safely in Malibu.
The
challenge that now faced them was how to find Queen Courteney and King David’s Malibu
Palace? Megs had the bright idea of looking in the telephone directory, but
unfortunately, the King and Queen weren’t listed.
“Dammit!”
Mari said, stamping her foot in frustration.
“OW!!!”
shrieked Ez, “That was my toe you just crushed!”
“Sowwie,”
Mari said, hugging Ez’s foot.
“Does
anyone have any better ideas?” asked DMG. There was an eieree silence, broken
only by the squeaky sound of rusty cogs turning in the Courteneyians’ heads.
“Why
don’t we wander aimless around Malibu shouting ‘Queen Courteney! King David!
Queen Courteney! We’re lost and scared and alone!’” Rachael suggested. The
other readily agreed, if nothing else, it would give them a chance to freak out
innocent people.
For
hours they followed Rachael’s plan, but to no avail. By then, all of them were
losing their voices, and they’d lost DMG fifty seven times, usually finding her
licking alcohol from the doorsteps of bars. Then a miracle happened! Ez and
Mari were trying to pull DMG to her feet, when they saw a glowing light from nearby.
Dragging DMG with them, they went over to it. The light was so bright and so
beautiful, they stared at it for a long time without actually seeing anything.
Their friends had drifted over without them noticing, and when all the
Courteneyian’s were gazing blindly into the light, Queen Courteney emerged.
They all gasped, she was a hundred thousand times more beautiful than they ever
could have imagined. Her hair gleamed, her eyes sparkled, her complexion was
porcelain. She smiled at the lost Courteneyians.
“Are
you ok?” she asked.
“Sshfglsnljwpojf,”
was all Rachael could stammer.
“Hummina
hummina hummina,” DMG said, staggering durnkenly towards Queen Courteney, who
looked slightly scared and stepped backwards. King David was standing behind
her, wearing orange trousers and a luminous green shirt with a hot pink tie,
and he hugged her protectively.
“We,
we, we l, l, love you,” Mari stammered about an hour and a lot of incoherent
mumbling later.
“Huh?
Wha?” Queen Courteney asked, yawning.
“You
fell asleep?!” Megs shrieked in a high pitched voice.
“Well
you had rambled on for the equivilant of 18 pages FRONT AND BACK!” Queen
Courteney defended herself. The Courteneyians were now wrapped around her legs
and refusing to let go. Panicking SLIGHTLY, Courteney turned to King David.
“Help me!!!” she said through clenched teeth.
“I
can’t!” David said, trying to reach his queen through the sea of obsessed
freaks.
“Its
all over, I love you sweetheart,” Courteney said dramatically. Suddenly the
Courteneyians all let go so they could applaud her fantastic acting ability.
“Yoink!”
David said, plucking Courteney from her own personal collection of stalkers and
holding her in his arms.
He
carried her all the way back to their Malibu palace. Unfortunately for the King
and Queen, the Courteneyians had enough exploded brain cells between them to
realise that following Queen Courteney and King David would be a good way to
find Courteney and David’s house.
When
they got there, Courteney and David went straight inside, locking the door five
times behind them. The Courteneyian’s stood outside, wondering what to do to
get in. Then Cali remembered she was still carrying the Christmas tree,
although most of its leaves had fallen off around Los Angeles by now. Rachael decided
that they should plant the tree in the street outside the Palace’s front door
and bow down to it like a shrine. Megs suggested carol singing instead, cause
she could conduct.
“But
you don’t have a white stick,” DMG said mournfully.
“Hmmmmmm,”
Megs said thoughtfully. She pulled the gold, diamond encrusted mailbox out of
the ground near where the tree had been planted (perhaps, propped up against
Cali would have been a better way to describe it), and held it triamphuntly
above her head. “This’ll do!” she said proudly, “And I can take it home as a
souviener,” she whispered.
Megs
began to wave the mailbox in the air, and an enchanting melody filled the air.
“Away
in a manger, no crib for a bed,” Rachael started to sing.
“Silent
night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright,” Ez added.
“Oh
come all ye faithful, joyful and triamphant, Oh come ye, oh come ye to
Bethlehem,” DMG sang.
“Good
king Wencelelas looked out, on the feast of Stephen,” Megs contributed.
“The
holly and the ivy, when they are both full grown, of all the trees that are in
the wood, the holly bears the crown,” Mari sang.
“Oh
little town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lie,” Cali joined in.
The
door opened, and a rather angry looking Queen Courteney stood glaring at the
Courteneyians. She was looking even more gorgeous than ever, wearing a tight
fitting red dress that was very low cut in front. The front yard started to
flood as the Courteneyians drooled at the wonderous sight.
“What
the hell are you lot doing here?” Courteney demanded, putting her hand on her
hip and pouting.
“Angry
Queen Courteney is even more hot Queen Courteney!” Rachael whispered to DMG.
“I
KNOW!” DMG whispered back a little too loudly. Queen Courteney threw her a
suspcious look.
“We’re
carol singing,” Megs said grinning.
“Well,
could you at least sing the same song?” Courteney suggested. David appeared
behind her wearing just a towel.
“Lucky
bastard,” Ez muttered to Mari, who nodded enthusiastically.
“Y’know,
I think its sweet, they’re individuals,” David said. DMG bounced happily.
“He
loves us!” she announced.
“I
didn’t exactly say that,” David muttered.
“But
that’s what you meant right? Can we come in? We brought a tree!” Rachael said
excitedly.
“Its
come all the way from New Zealand!” Cali informed them.
“On
a plane!” Mari added. Courteney and David looked sceptically at the manky
looking tree, then exchanged a glance. Courteney shrugged.
“You
wanna come in?” she offered.