Chapter 1 - Our New Home

Once upon a time there was a princess called Rachael. Unlike most of the princesses in Michigan, Rachael deeply admired the ruler of a faraway land, Queen Courteney. Rachael longed to build a castle of her own where all the other princesses who adored Queen Courteney could love together. But Courteneyland seemed so far away. Princess Rachael didn’t know what to do.

In the end, Rachael decided not to make the long, dangerous journey to Courteneyland alone. Instead, she went to a tiny, abandoned island in the middle of the Atlantic ocean. She left behind her evil mother, but brought her Fairy Godmother, Pie, along with her, to live in the clouds above the island.

Rachael knew she needed to attract other princesses to come and live with her in the shack she and Pie had built on the island. When there were enough of them, they could make the journey to Courteneyland together, somehow. So she painted a prettiful picture of Queen Courteney and made it into a flag that flew high above the shack and could be seen for miles and miles all around.

One day, Rachael was on the beach, trying to play soccer by herself, when a little monkey sailed up on the beach on a pron magazine. Rachael ran down to greet her, and offered her hand politely. The monkey stared at the princess and instead of shaking Rachael’s hand she pounced on her and knocked her to the ground, snogging her.

“What the hell are you doing?” Rachael demanded.

“I’m deinnocentising you,” the monkey said, grinning. Rachael pushed the monkey away and stood up. The monkey waited impatiently while Rachael made sure every single speck of sand was gone from her body. When she was done, she glared at the monkey, who completely ignored the hostility. “Wanna snog again?” the monkey offered.

“Snog?” Rachael asked, confuzzled.

“Yes. I’m a British monkey you see,” the monkey said.

“Really? Queen Courteney is admired in Britain too then?” Rachael asked excitedly. The monkey shrugged.

“By me she is.” Rachael sighed.

“So Queen Courteney is equally ignored and unappreciated on both sides of the Atlantic?” she asked sadly. The monkey nodded, then threw herself at Rachael, this time she was sobbing.

“I’ve finally found someone who loves her like I do!” she shouted “Lets go have sex to celebrate!”

“I can’t do that! I’m an innocent ickle princess!” Rachael insisted.

“Nuh uh! I deinnocentised you,” the monkey said.

“Oh. Um, well I don’t know your name.”

“Dumbmonkeygirl Alicia-Ann Alice A. Hick Hickman the first,” the monkey said proudly.

“Um, how about just dumbmonkeygirl?” Rachael suggested. The monkey considered this for a second, and Rachael was alarmed by the smoke coming out of her ears while she obviously overworked whatever tiny brain she had.

“That rocks my clothes off!” dumbmonkeygirl announced eventually, flinging them off. Rachael giggled.

After enjoying a while of frolicking nekid on the beach, Rachael and dumbmonkeygirl (whose name was soon shortened to DMG), noticed something odd about their new home. There seemed to be some sort of evil presence lurking there. It hadn’t actually done anything to them yet, nor had it threatened to, but the two Courteneyians knew there was something bad about it. They called it Kat.

But Rachael and DMG were soon distracted by a new arrival. They were frolicking nekid on the beach as usual, when ice cubes suddenly rained down from the sky. These were soon followed by a girl.

"Sorry about that, the monkey was being so funny I couldn't help laughing, and accidentally spat them everywhere," the girl said. DMG giggled.

"I'm dumbmonkeygirl Alicia-Ann Alice A. Hick Hickman the first, also known as DMG," she introduced herself.

"And I'm princess Rachael, i built this shack," Rachael said proudly. "With Pie's help," she added, hearing an indignant cough from the sky.

"Mmmmmmmm, Apple Pie," DMG said, starting to drool. Rachael poked her.

"I'm Mari. I was drawn to your flag like a moth to a flame."

"Or a monkey to vodka," Rachael added helpfully.

"Ooh, alcoholics as well as Courteney lovers!" Mari exclaimed. "I'm gonna love it here!"

"Yay!" DMG cheered, rushing over to snog Mari. Rachael ran after her, jostling DMG out of the way. Mari grinned and enjoyed the welcome.

The island was growing, and although many people came on daytrips, few stayed long. Until one day, another ickle person came bouncing out of the ocean.

"Helloooooooooo!" she shouted. DMG, Rachael and Mari hurried out to greet her from the backroom they had reccently added to the shack. DMG and Mari were handcuffed together and Rachael was hiding something that looked suspiciously like a whip behind her back. The new girl bounced up and hugged them tightly.

"Can't...breath..." DMG complained, reaching for her inhaler.

"You know you love it," Rachael teased, cracking the whip.

"I'm Ez," the new girl announced.

"Hi Ez," the other three chorused.

"I'm from the faraway land of Britain," Ez told them.

"Meeeeeeeee tooooooo!" DMG squealed.

"Yay!" Ez said, low fiving DMG.

"Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah BRIT POWER!" DMG sang loudly.

"Britain isn't as far away as Courteneyland," Mari reminded them. All of them sighed deeply.

"Do you think we'll ever get there?" DMG asked, for once serious.

"Of course we will! We'll do whatever it takes, and it'll be perfect! PERFECT!" Rachael insisted.

A week or so later, another girl came to the island, on a small boat with a dragon on. It looked very impressive. Unfortunatley, as soon as she had lept off it, she pushed it back to sea before anyone could stop her.

“Thanks Owain!” she shouted into the distance.

“We could have used that boat to get to Courteneyland!” DMG protested.

“Sowwie, but its not mine, Owain leant it me,” the new girl told them. She towered over Rachael, DMG and Ez.

“Who the hell is Owain?” Ez asked.

“My lover,” the new girl said. The others gaped at her.

“You’re…you’re…straight?!” asked Rachael, shocked. The newbie was trying hard to keep a straight face, but she just couldn’t do it.

“No of course not! I’m bi, but Owain is just my friend. Who shops for thongs with me. Oh, and my name is Meganstar Haf Parry, but you can call me Megs,” she introduced herself.

“Oooh, stars are shiny, are you shiny?” DMG asked.

“Um, sure?” Megs said, slightly scared.

“Ignore them, they’re the crazy Brits,” Mari told Megs.

“I’m a Brit! I’m from Wales.” Megs paused seeing the blank looks on Rachael and Mari’s faces. “Its next to England,” she sighed.

“Ohhhhh,” Mari said, “THAT Wales!”

“I knew that! I knew that!” Ez said bouncing.

“Me too!” DMG said, joining the bouncing.

“Do you always bounce?” Megs asked.

“It makes us taller,” Ez explained.

“Plus its really fun!” DMG added.