Dear Rachael’s board

Thank you so much for dedicating your board to me. Although I’m not sure it really is such a compliment considering how insane you all are. What does it say about me if my fans are…well…you lot!?

To Chris, James, Tom, Emmie and all the other perverts: EWWWW! I feel violated, and not in a good way! If you keep on deluding yourselves like this, I’m gonna have to get Davey to kick your collective ass. I’d do it myself (I’m pretty feisty!) but that would probably turn you on more.

DMG: For the sake of your last few remaining particles of exploded brain cell, PLEASE stop marrying your sisters! I don’t want people to think I approve of lesbanym incest amoungst my fans.

Julie, Rachel, Raimee and all the other alcoholics: I sent you some vodka, but I think Ez may forget to remember to pass them on to you.

Cali, Auds, Ez, DMG, Rachel, Rachael and Mel (and Johnny), my neices/daughters (adopted son/nephew) (I’m still a TAD confused about that whole thing by the way): Shame on you for not wanting Cool Aunt Dottie and Cool Aunt Virginia! I may have to kick your asses too! Especially Johnny’s, because I’m very worried about his “feelings” for his mother/aunt! I should also probably tell you all that I don’t remember ever giving birth, and I would have expected to remember having five children and adopting two others. And my sisters and brother don’t know anything about you either.

Samme, Ez and DMG: I’m honoured that you chose Davey and me to present you’re Fake Baftas. Although Ez mysteriously went deaf when I asked to see the script, and I’m now slightly suspicious of that, but I suppose I’ll have to wait till Saturday like the rest of you who don’t get a special advance preview.

To everyone: PLEASE don’t break into my house again! Davey and I have felt very awkward doing, um, stuff, lately because we’re so afraid you guys are gonna join us! Ez and DMG, it cost us a fortune to clean up after your little chimney escapade, and we still haven’t forgotten your abysmal behaviour at Christmas! But we did like the mince pies. Rags on the other hand definitely DID NOT!

I am honoured to be your Queen, and I’m looking forward to having my very own country, although you shouldn’t count on being allowed to live there! I may let you visit my theme park though. Just be aware that you’ll have to clean up your own vomit!

Lots of love and hugs

Courteney