Part Four, The Choices

By Anna


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Monica looked down and saw herself. She knew what it was, it was something that she’d never believed in. It was a near-death experience. She couldn’t hear a thing, although she knew the room must be filled with noise. And she sighed in relief. The pain was over. Almost. Since she still wasn’t dead, part of her still felt the sharp pain, but it was easier now.

"Why miss, didn’t expect to see the likes of you so soon." Monica turned at the sound of the voice. It was strangely familiar. She saw a man, about fifty or sixty, sitting next to her. "Don’t tell me miss has forgotten old George already."

"George?" Monica said, more and more confused. "You look so… so…"

"Young? Healthy?" George smiled at her. "Well, although you mostly see people up here like the way you remember them the best, you don’t see anybody with diseases here."

"Not following" Monica said, and glanced down at her body, and the doctors trying to save it.

"See, when somebody dies they loose their human form. And when their loved ones die and are reunited with them, they see them as they remember them the best. But nobody’s ill up here. And so you can’t see me as you remember, but as I looked before the sickness got the better of me." Monica opened her mouth to reply, but suddenly felt a sharp pain and nausea, and felt like she was being yanked away. After a few seconds, the feeling went away.

"That was the doctors, getting your heart to beat again. And then they lost you. Again." Monica shook her head. She was obviously delusional.

"Oh I know it’s hard to believe…" George said. "But that’s the truth, it’s as simple as that." There was a slight pause. Monica looked up at George again. He looked like he knew what he was talking about, but since when did someone who didn’t exist know what he was talking about? "I know you must be thinking that I’m not real" George said.

"Yes, and I had forgotten that you were capable of reading minds" Monica mumbled, rolled her eyes and looked back down on her body.

"Dear, I know it’s not easy to believe in a situation like this. But I’m offering you no lies. You’re one of God’s chosen." Monica laughed slightly at the comment.

"Nice try, George. Or whoever you are. But see I don’t believe in things like that."

"Your boyfriend does." Monica looked at him, confused. She’d never said anything about having a boyfriend to George. "Look, when you’re up here you have all the answers" George said. "And you also have all the facts you need to have. I know that man out in the waiting room, biting his bottom lip all the time, is your boyfriend."

"Look George… This makes no sense" Monica said, finally choosing to believe him. She might as well. There was no other explanation offered. Now she knew how Dana Scully felt

"Sure it does" George said.

"No, it doesn’t." Monica shook her head. "Nothing of what you said makes sense, really. I mean…" She paused. What did she mean? "I mean it just can’t be that when you die you come up here, and then you’re reunited with you’re loved ones and you know all the answers… For one thing it would get REALLY crowded." George chuckled at her last comment.

"It’s true dear that it makes very little sense. But you aren’t a Christian like your boyfriend, you don’t have the same basic beliefs as him."

"Then how can I be one of… what was it you said? One of God’s chosen? Which, by the way, sounds REALLY sort of tacky to me."

"Miss, miss…" George said. "As long as you believe in something, that’s okay. And you know why you’re chosen?"

"No, why?" Monica asked, and felt once again how she was yanked away. After almost a minute she returned to George.

"They’re not giving up on you, dear" George said, smiling.

"Look George, I’m really tired of this game now, please tell me what you’re talking about!"

"Miss, you helped me before I died. You helped me more than you’ll ever know. Because not only did you help an old, sick man out with things around the home, or climbing stairs. You gave me a friend for my last weeks alive."

"That’s a really sweet idea George, but…" Monica objected. "That’s not something special. People do that all the time."

"No they don’t, miss" George replied. "No they don’t." Monica looked at him, more and more confused. Okay, so she’d helped him out for about a month before he died. So? What did that have to do with anything?

"Look George…" she said, shaking her head. "Look, I just don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me here. And I also don’t understand why this has happened to me," she gestured down at her body, "if I’m… chosen, as you like to put it."

"It’s your gift, dear" George told her.

"Oh great!" Monica hissed. "Remind me in my next life not to be so nice to people." George chuckled. "I think you misunderstood me, dear".

Monica opened her mouth to reply, but felt she got yanked away again. This time the pain came back completely. And it lasted for over a minute. She could distantly hear how the doctors were congratulating themselves, when she drifted off again, and was back with George.

"There you are. I was wondering how long it would be this time" George said, and smiled again.

Monica ignored him. He seemed to think that this was funny. That it was all one big joke. Well Monica didn’t think so, and she was pretty sure her friends, family and boyfriend would agree with her that it was not. But she still listened when George started talking again. "I will explain the gift to you in a moment. And don’t be so mad at me, dear. I’m just the messenger."

"Yeah" Monica replied, rolling her eyes. "I always thought you looked like the archangel Michael."

"Miss, please…" George said. "That sarcastic way of speaking is not attractive."

Monica ignored him again. She continued to stare down at her body. The doctors were using electric shots to try and get her heart beating again. She felt a small tingle with every shock.

"Miss, just listen" George said. "You have been rewarded for your kindness. It may not seem as much of a reward now, but you need to hear me out."

"No I don’t!" Monica hissed, turning at him so fast it made her hair fly from her left shoulder to her right. "I don’t feel the least bit rewarded. I feel cursed!"

George looked at her, and knew she wasn’t kidding. She was furious. He thought of a way to convince her, and went to make sure it would happen. Monica watched him go. Now she was all alone. And she felt more cursed than ever.

Out in the waiting room Chandler was barely conscious of anything around him. He was rocking back and fourth again, trying to repress the pain. He felt like half his body had been ripped away. And, just like Monica, he felt cursed.

Phoebe was crying in Rachel’s arms over at the other end of the room. Like Chandler they were seated on some plastic chairs. Rachel wasn’t crying. She was denying. But Phoebe had been expecting this, and she felt like she would never be happy again. She’d lost so many people she cared about, and now her best friend too.

Jack and Judy Geller looked calm and composed. Nobody knew what they were thinking. And the same thing went for Joey. He was staring out the window, staring at the rain that had started to fall again.

Ross, meanwhile, was out making some calls. He needed to tell Carol and Susan what had happened, and to tell them he couldn’t pick up Ben tonight.

"She knew" Phoebe suddenly said, no longer crying. "Monica knew."

"Knew what, Phoebs?" Rachel asked. She still didn’t believe Monica was dead. Or almost dead.

"That she was going to die" Phoebe told her. Joey snapped.

"Cut that bullshit, Phoebs!" he exclaimed. "She didn’t know, okay? And they’re still trying to get her heart beating again! She’s not dead!" He looked over at Chandler, for some support, but Chandler didn’t seem to hear or see anything.

"I’m telling you Joey, she KNEW" Phoebe insisted.

"Phoebe, dear, that’s insane" Judy said calmly. "Monica didn’t know more than anyone else of us."

"Yeah, she did. Maybe not, you know, her MIND, but her spirit knew." Joey sniffed at that. Then he turned his eyes back outside the window. "Listen to me, I know what I’m talking about, okay?" Phoebe said and rose to her feet. She walked over to Chandler and stood next to him as she continued. "Has anybody here got a memory of the last time before the accident that you saw her and she wasn’t nice?"

"So?" Rachel asked. "Being nice does not mean knowing you’re about to get hurt."

"No, I know. But just think, okay?" Phoebe said. "The last time I saw her, she said ‘Thank you Phoebe!’. She didn’t have to do that, she could have just followed Chandler down the stairs."

"Look, it’s a cute idea, but it doesn’t mean anything" Jack sighed. Chandler listened, even though it didn’t look like it. And he started to wonder. Monica had said such warm, nice things to him just minutes before being hit by Pete Becker’s car. Could it be she knew deep down inside? And that she was saying good bye?

"You know what doesn’t add up with that theory, Phoebs?" Ross said, entering the room. "If she knew something was gonna happen, then why did she run out in the middle of the street like that?"

"Okay, so maybe I don’t have all the answers!" Phoebe yelled.

"Guys, PLEASE!" Joey said from his place by the window.

There was a few minutes of silence. Phoebe had started to cry again. Dr. Barkley entered the room and waved at Chandler to follow him.

"We’ve been able to get a heartbeat a few times, but we’ve lost her again each time. We thought you might like to see her in case… well, in case we don’t get her heartbeats back again."

Chandler numbly followed the doctor. He didn’t even notice that Ross and Joey followed him inside the OR, after the three had been cleaned and gotten coats. The other four waited outside the OR room, looking through the glass wall.

Chandler saw the EKG, saw that it showed Monica’s heartbeats. Her heart was beating at the moment and Chandler felt a great wave of relief. She’d made it, she was home free.

And then he heard the, along with the sound of Monica being hit, worst sound he’d ever hear. The heartbeats stopped and the tone marking the beats grew into one.

When Monica came back after the last time they’d gotten her heart beating again, something was different.

For one thing George was back. But she’d half expected that, so she didn’t react to it. But when she looked down on her body, she saw Chandler, Ross and Joey, the three men than meant the most in her life, standing next to her. And she could vaguely see her parents, Phoebe and Rachel outside the OR.

"If you just hear me out this time, miss…" George said. "If you just hear me out you might understand what your gift is."

He looked at Monica for a second. She wasn’t listening. She had her hand reached out, as if she wanted to touch someone. George knew whom.

"It’s no use, miss" he said. "He can’t feel your touch. Not physically, ‘cause your soul is not in your body right now. And he can’t feel it with his soul either, because you’re not dead. You’re just in between. And if you don’t listen to me now, you might be stuck her forever."

That had an affect. Monica quickly pulled her hand back and turned to look at George.

"Forever?"

"Death is a complicated thing, dear. In fact, there is no such thing as death. It’s just a human word."

His explanation didn’t make Monica much wiser. She already knew she wasn’t dead yet, the physical pain was too real for that, but the rest made no sense to her.

"George… I’m not dead, I have no answers. Tell me them, instead of giving me more to search for" she said. George smiled.

"Miss… There’s no birth either."

"What did I just tell you about giving me more questions?" Monica asked, clearly annoyed.

"This is how it works, dear. What you call God--"

"Don’t tell me HE’S fake too!" Monica exclaimed.

"God is just a word… Just a name… But the power itself is very real."

"Thank you" Monica said, happy to have gotten at least one answer.

"This power… He, or she, creates souls."

"He does?" Monica asked. She had never been religious. That was more Chandler and Joey.

"Yes dear. And humans and other animals give life to those souls. That’s what you call birth. And the whole idea with genetics and reproduction is that humans, and other animals, give the souls a body and guidance."

Monica only half listened. She wasn’t really interested in this part. She wasn’t very religious now either, and this was just confusing her. But at least she felt like she didn’t have to grief the baby she knew she’d lost. If what George said was true, the baby didn’t have a life yet. She had to ask him.

"Well…" George said, thinking long and hard to find an answer. "Both yes and no" he finally said. Monica frowned and reminded herself not to ask George anything else.

"Anyway…" George continued. "Anyway, life here on earth is for experience. You’re here to learn. About love, hatred and a thousand other things. And when you’ve learned enough you move on, you come up here. Death, you call it. And during your lifetime you also make choices that form how the rest of your life is going to be. The life up here."

"Is there a hell?" Monica asked.

"Hell is for the bad and evil. And nobody is completely bad and evil" George told her. "But when you make a totally wrong decision, or a very bad mistake, you get another chance. In a way, you might say that those that you call bad and evil are cursed with a long life on earth. Because they get to go back to life as you know it until they’ve made the right decision. The same thing goes for those who haven’t learned enough, but that’s not as much of a punishment. And you can forget all about what Dante wrote."

Monica shook her head. This was allot to take in and she still thought she was delusional. She looked down on her boyfriend, brother and friend as they leaned as close to her as the doctors would let them. And she felt yanked away again, this time only just for a few seconds. When she got back to George, she could see the despair in their eyes, having lost touch with her again.

"Why can’t I hear them?" she asked George.

"Don’t worry miss, you will soon enough."

Monica wondered what that meant. But she didn’t have the time to ask him, ‘cause he’d started talking again.

"There’s a heaven and there’s a kingdom of heaven" he said. Monica gave him a confused look. "All people will come as far as heaven" George continued. "But then there are people like you."

Monica frowned. She felt awkward at that comment, there was nothing special about her.

"You helped me when I was old and sick" George said again. "And for that you’ve been rewarded."

He looked down at the three men by her body’s side, at the same time she did.

"They think it’s a tragedy. And to people in the pre-life, which is what life on earth really is, this really is a tragedy. You’re young, kind, beautiful… You’ve got caring friends, a nice boyfriend--"

"He’s more than nice" Monica cut in. "He’s way better than nice."

"It doesn’t seem right to them. It doesn’t seem fare that you should die like this. Or die at all, in such a young age" George continued, and looked at Monica instead of her body. She didn’t look back at him, her eyes were focused on Chandler.

"I don’t think it’s fare either" she said. "I belong with Chandler and the gang, not up here by myself."

"The gift you’ve been given, Monica, is the gateway to heaven. The kingdom of heaven."

Monica felt like she could start to cry, although she knew she wouldn’t. You need a body to be able to cry.

"But George, it’s not fare!" she said. "It’s not fare that I have to give up everything I cherish, even for heaven. It seems like a punishment to me, it really does!"

George didn’t say anything. He was going to let her make her decision. It was all up to her now. What she wanted and what she would do. He’d done the main part of his job. The only thing that was left for him now, was to either take her with him to where she belonged, or bring her back to her pre-life.

Monica still wouldn’t take her eyes of the scene played up before her.

Chandler carefully took Monica’s left hand and tried to shut out the sound of the EKG.

"Come on honey, please!" he whispered. He didn’t want to know what would happen if she didn’t recover. What would he do if she died?

Joey slowly pulled him away. They tried once again to give her an electric shock and bring her back to life. It worked, at least for thirty seconds.

"Have you seen this allot?" Ross asked Dr. Barkley during those thirty seconds.

"I’ve never seen anything like this" the doctor replied. "I wasn’t even sure something like this was possible."

And then Monica drifted off again. Chandler painfully moaned and shook his head.

"Doctor, can I ask you something?" he whispered, while two other doctors and a nurse started to try and get Monica’s heart to beat again.

"Go ahead and ask" Dr. Barkley said, feeling numb.

"Nobody’s closer to her than I am" Chandler said. "I know better than anyone what she wants. Tell me doctor, is there any chance at all you will get a stable heartbeat? Because if not, let her be. Let her die now. Don’t put her through more."

Dr. Barkley didn’t know if there was any chance they’d get a steady heartbeat or not. But he was not willing to give up, so he told Chandler there was a great chance they’d get one.

"Why?" Monica asked, all of a sudden hearing what was going on. She heard what she needed to hear. "Why is he giving up on me?"

"Because he loves you" George replied. "I’m telling you, one of these days you’re gonna be here, just like I am now, talking to him"

Monica froze and then moved away from George.

"No!" she said. "I don’t want him to have to die! Why, why would I have to come here for him?"

"He’s willing to give up on you, to make it easier for you" George replied. "He’s no fool, Monica. He knows you’re hurting, he knows that you’re struggling with so much pain right now… And if you can’t be saved he wants you to get to die immediately. No dragging it out." Monica smiled, and reached out her hand, as if to touch Chandler.

"Told ya’ he was better than nice" she said proudly.

"And for that, he might also get the gateway" George added. "But Monica, don’t you worry. He might go on living for years first. Like a test, to see if he can get a grip of his life if he looses you. And you’ll be up here to help him along the way, as sort of a guardian angel."

Monica didn’t comment on that. She slowly drew her hand back and smiled down at Chandler, feeling yanked away again. This time it only lasted for a second or two.

"Now you listen to me…" George said. "I know you feel like this has been really unfair to you, this whole time after the accident. And I know you have asked yourself why you couldn’t just have died soon. And believe me, Chandler has asked himself the very same question."

"This was supposed to be a gift, right?" Monica said. "How is it a gift to be agonized for over thirteen hours? Closing in on fourteen." George smiled.

"That wasn’t the meaning, dear. Nobody had expected you to be such a fighter. You just wouldn’t let go."

"But now it turns out I’m going to have to let go anyway."

The next time Monica got a heartbeat again, nobody bothered to express any joy. They didn’t know for how long they would have the beats. And they all saw on the EKG that it wasn’t a very steady one.

"Do you remember what I said, doctor?" Chandler asked Dr. Barkley. "If this is the best you’ll ever get then let it be now. Either she pulls through or she doesn’t. And if she doesn’t it’s better that it ends now."

Joey watched his friend, and wondered where he got the strength to say those words from. Joey could never say them himself, and he knew that Monica was so much more important to Chandler. He glanced over at Ross, and knew he was wondering the same thing.

Chandler just felt more and more numb inside. He took Monica’s hand and wondered if this would be the last time he ever held it while she was actually alive. There was no way he would know. And there was no way he would let her hand go.

He slowly pulled some of her hair away from her face. The mask with phoney gas had been replaced by one with just oxygen. She wasn’t able to breathe on her own. He looked at all the machines that she was connected to, and wondered if it was living, having to be attached to all of those machines. Nobody would ever know how hard it had been for him to tell the doctors to give up on Monica if they didn’t think they could save her. And yet he hadn’t had the slightest problem to open his mouth and form the words, once he’d made up his mind that he was going to ask them.

He looked down at Monica again, and he realized he already knew why it had been so easy. He just didn’t want to have to see her like this anymore. He wanted her to either come back to him for good, or to die. One thing or the other. He couldn’t take the wait. And he knew that she must be feeling intense pain, and he wanted her to be free from that at any cost. Even if the cost was her life.

He glanced up and saw Joey and Ross. Ross looked like he was caught in the purgatory, Chandler realized he probably looked like that himself. And Joey just looked tired and scared. And relieved. Right now they did have a heartbeat.

"We’re loosing her again!" one of the nurses exclaimed, as the heartbeats got even less rhythm. There was no steady beat, and it was getting worse now. Chandler let pulled her hand close, kissed it and whispered to her that he loved her. Than he let her hand go, as the doctors tried again.

Several minutes later, a heartbeat was established again. This time it was even more sporadic.

Chandler sat down on the chair next to Monica’s head. It was still sitting there, after he’d been in with her earlier on. He grabbed her hand again, and started whispering to her.

"I need you Monica…" he whispered, once again kissing her hand. "And I know we’ve had our differences, but they’ve all been so small. Come back here to me and I’ll forgive you everything there is to forgive, which isn’t much. Not on your part, anyway. I feel like I have so much to ask for your forgiveness over…" He paused and kissed her hand again. "I promise you, do you hear? I promise you that either way, weather you come back to me or not, you’re forgiven of everything. But the one thing I can’t forgive you Mon is if you die. How can you? I know you’re in pain, and I know deep inside that you’re better off dead right now, but I’m way too selfish to wish that for you."

Chandler quieted for a minute. This wasn’t really what he wanted to say. But what was it he wanted to say?

"Monica, don’t die, you hear? I can’t forgive you that! I mean, I can even forgive you for not telling me about the baby you were carrying, but you have to LIVE Monica. You have to live, how can I forgive you if you don’t live to hear it?" He sighed. This wasn’t really what he wanted to say either.

"Chandler…" Joey said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Take it easy… I mean… We’ve got her. Right now we’ve got her. Don’t you think that’s enough? Don’t lay a threat on her."

Chandler looked up. He hadn’t really thought if he was doing that or not. But he realized he probably had.

"I’m sorry, babe…" he whispered. "So sorry… And now you have even more to forgive me of. Please come back and forgive me everything."

Ross went up besides him and placed a hand on his sister’s shoulder.

"Mon, you hang in there, okay?" he said. "You have tons of stuff you need to forgive me for too."

Chandler smiled slightly. Then he rose, as the doctor told him to go talk to their friends out in the corridor. They were worried. Ross followed him out, and when they’d left Joey sat down on the chair and grabbed Monica’s hand too.

"Don’t listen to them, I mean, not to the words…" he said. "It doesn’t sound very… romantic what they’re saying, but you know better, don’t you?" He paused and searched for the words. "You know as well as I do that what they really want to say, is that we would miss you like crazy if you died… And we would never stop missing you. We need you in our lives, Monica. That’s what I think they’re trying to tell you. And that’s what _I_ want to tell you."

He sat there quietly for about a minute as Chandler and Ross re-entered. They glanced at the EKG, and noted that her pulse was far from regular. Ross shook his head, sadly. And Chandler gave Dr. Barkley a look, that everyone in the room knew what it meant. Seconds later Monica’s heart stopped again.

Monica sat next to George, once again watching herself and three men she loved, down in the OR. She shook her head and pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around her knees, just like Chandler had done earlier that day. It had now been almost fifteen hours since she last did anything on her own. It was midnight.

George looked over at her, waiting for the right moment to continue. He wasn’t sure anymore that she was aware of what her options were.

"George, there’s no hope for me, is there?" she asked.

"Miss… How can there be no hope for someone who’s got the gateway to heaven?" George simply answered.

"I mean, there’s no hope for me to continue my life on earth, my, my pre-life, is there?"

George looked at her for a moment. Then he answered.

"Yes, Monica. There is hope."

Monica looked at him, surprised that he’d used her real name. She’d never heard him call her ‘Monica’ before. She’d never told him her name.

"There is?" she finally asked, after several minutes of silence.

"Yes. You can choose. You can choose between letting me take you to the kingdom of heaven… and staying here on earth."

"Why do I get the feeling it’s not as easy as it sounds?"

"Well… Staying here on earth won’t be all that easy for you. You were meant to die, Monica." Monica shuddered when he said her name again. She didn’t really know why. She just couldn’t help it.

"And because you weren’t meant to live, you were given injuries that would take your life."

"Isn’t it great?" she said sarcastically.

"That causes a problem" George continued, ignoring her comment. "Sure, you can go back if you want to. But since you weren’t meant to make it, your future life might be complicated."

"You mean physically, right?" Monica said.

"No." George shook his head. "Not just. But that’s one part of it. Your many broken bones might cause you allot of problems. And several more operations might be necessary. And there’s always the risk of brain damage…"

Monica shook her head, slowly. This wasn’t an easy choice.

Down in the OR, Dr. Barkley and his team were about to give up. They had tried for several minutes and still no response. They’d probably lost her for good by now.

The doctor in charge of the electrical pads put them away, slowly. A nurse noted the time of death in a book, about fifteen and a half hours since the accident.

Chandler, Joey and Ross all watched them, and understood. She was gone now. Ross leaned over and kissed her forehead.

"Bye, sis…" he mumbled.

Joey gave her a kiss on the lips, and whispered something in her ear that neither Ross nor Chandler could hear. And then he looked up and caught Chandler’s eye.

Chandler leaned over and kissed her as well. And then he did something he wasn’t so sure she’d approve of. She wasn’t very religious, and she had always leaned a bit more towards being Jewish than being Christian. But nevertheless he started saying the Lord’s prayer, almost whispering. When he was finished he rested his head on her shoulders and cried, in a just as low tone as he’d said the prayer.

"Time’s running out…" George told her.

She looked up at him, knowing what he meant. Her body was almost dead by now.

"I’ve decided" she said. It was the hardest decision she’d ever had to make. But she had made up her mind. And she wondered in fear if it was the right choice.