Part 3, The hospital

By Anna


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Part 3, the Hospital "Bye now. I hope everything works out for you." With that, the two men were gone. They’d just dropped Phoebe and Chandler off at the hospital. Phoebe started to walk towards the doors, but Chandler tugged her arm again.

"No Phoebs, let’s not go in there? I don’t want to go in there. Can’t we just stand out here and wait for Joey to come out again with Monica?"

"Chandler…" Phoebe said with a sigh. "He’s not COMING out with Monica. She’s gonna have to be in a hospital for a very long time." Chandler swallowed hard. This couldn’t be. Why had this happened? And why had Phoebe just crushed his hope? As long as he didn’t have to go inside the hospital, he could still tell himself that it was all a dream. Just a bad, terrible dream.

"Come on now, Chandler" Phoebe said, extending her hand to him. He numbly took it and followed her inside.

As soon as they’d gotten through the doors, though, he stopped. Phoebe tried to drag him with her, but he refused to take another step.

"No. I don’t want to go close to the ER. Don’t make me do that, Phoebs." She sighed and told him to go there as soon as he felt he could. Then she was off. Chandler walked slowly down a hall, not knowing where he was heading.

For thirty minutes he wondered around, thinking of his girlfriend. Trying to tell himself that it was all a bad dream. Any minute soon the alarm clock would ring and bring him back to reality. And he would tell Monica about his dream, and she would hold him close and tell him that she was safe. But no alarm clock rang.

Then without noticing, he’d managed to get to the ER. He stood still for a moment, looking around. He finally gathered enough strength and courage to approach the receptionist and ask her about Monica Geller. A nurse showed him to the room where Phoebe was sitting alone on a plastic chair, chewing her hair. Why had he let her go here alone? And why wasn’t Joey with her?

"Monica’s dead, isn’t she?" Chandler asked. Phoebe looked up at him, surprised to hear his voice, and stuttered out four "I" before she managed to say what she had to tell him.

"Yes, I think so" she said, watching all hope leave Chandler. "And if she’s not, she will probably be soon" she added.

Chandler’s mind drifted off. He saw before him, like a slow motion clip of a movie, how he and Monica had run to catch the bus just a little more than an hour ago. Maybe ninety minutes ago. Somewhere in his mind he registered that the radio Phoebe had next to her was playing Aerosmith’s "I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing".

He saw before him how he’d crossed the road without looking both ways, and how Monica had followed about two yards behind him. And he saw how he’d spun around to see Pete in his car, staring blankly in front of him, and to see papers that Monica had needed to bring to work were flying around everywhere. And how Monica had lay a bit further away. He remember that his first thought had been; ‘how did Monica get all the way over there?’.

And as Steven Tyler began so sing, Chandler walked up to Phoebe and sat down on the plastic chair next to hers.

I could stay awake, just to hear you breathing.

Watch you smile while you are sleeping.

While you’re far away and dreaming.

[Note: Here I begin a Chandler and Monica montage sequence. Tacky, I know, but I felt like throwing one in. And just as I always do, I’m gonna write down the clips to each bit after I’ve written the lyrics. And the clips are supposed to represent Chandler’s memories as he hears the song (which is even more tacky, actually… well what can I say… I’m a sucker for these kind of things). Most of the time I’m just writing down different scenes, so you can just imagine your own favourite clip from that scene]

I could spend my life in this sweet surrender. – Chandler and Monica in the hotel room in "TOW the Kips".

I could stay lost in this moment forever. – A scene with Chandler and Monica from "TOW Ross Can’t Flirt".

Oh, every moment spend with you is a moment I treasure. – The clip where Chandler asks Monica if he can move in with her, and she accepts, leaping in to his arms.

I don’t want to close my eyes. I don’t want to fall asleep, ‘cause I’d miss you baby. And I don’t want to miss a thing. – The scene where they’re doing "girl stuff" in "TOW Ross’s Teeth".

‘Cause even when I dream of you. The sweetest dream would never do, I’d still miss you baby. And I don’t want to miss a thing. – A scene from "TOW the Apothecary Table".

Chandler leaned his head against Phoebe’s shoulder. She put her arm around him, trying to give him some wordless support.

Lying close to you, feeling your heart beating. – The scene with the two on Chandler’s bed in "TOW Everybody Finds Out".

And I’m wondering what you’re dreaming. – Monica watching Chandler sleep in "TOW Eddie Won’t Go".

Wondering if it’s me you’re seeing. – Another clip from the two on Chandler’s bed in "TOW Everybody Finds Out".

And then I kiss your eyes. – Chandler kissing Monica on the cheek in the end of "TO the Last Night".

And thank God we’re together. – The clip in the end of "TOW Everybody Finds Out", just after they’ve said their first ‘I love you’s.

I just want to stay with you in those moments forever. – The scene from "TOW the Girl who Hits Joey" where Monica asks him if he couldn’t just stay like that forever.

Forever and ever. – The opening scene of "TOW the Yeti".

I don’t want to close my eyes. I don’t want to fall asleep, ‘cause I’d miss you baby. And I don’t want to miss a thing. – The scene from "TOW Phoebe Runs" where Monica comes home and finds the apartment cleaned.

‘Cause even when I dream of you. The sweetest dream would never do, I’d still miss you baby. And I don’t want to miss a thing. – The opening scene from "TOW Ross Got High".

Well I don’t want to miss one smile. I don’t want to miss one kiss. – The clip from "TOW all the Kissing" where Chandler comes into Monica’s apartment and she smiles at him, then they kiss.

I just want to be with you, right here with you. Just like this. – The opening scene of that episode, before Joey comes in and Monica dives under.

I just want to hold you close. – The scene with the two in the empty room, from "TO the Last Night".

I feel you heart so close to mine. – The scene at Central Perk in the beginning of "TOW the Girl who Hits Joey".

And just stay here in this moment for all the rest of time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. – The scene where he proposes in the living room.

I don’t want to close my eyes. I don’t want to fall asleep, ‘cause I’d miss you baby. And I don’t want to miss a thing. – The scene in "TO the Last Night" where Chandler jokingly asks Monica again to move in with him.

‘Cause even when I dream of you. The sweetest dream would never do, I’d still miss you baby. And I don’t want to miss a thing. – A scene with the two in "TOW Ross’s Denial".

I don’t want to close my eyes. I don’t want to fall asleep, ‘cause I’d miss you baby. And I don’t want to miss a thing. – The clip from "TOW Ross Hugs Rachel" when they’re cuddled up on the couch.

‘Cause even when I dream of you. The sweetest dream would never do. ‘Cause I’d still miss you baby. And I don’t want to miss a thing. – Different clips from "TOW Ross’s Sandwich".

I don’t want to close my eyes. I don’t want to fall asleep, yeah. – Different clips from "TOW the Thanksgiving Flashbacks".

I don’t want to miss a thing. – Their first on-screen kiss.

As the song tuned out on the radio, Phoebe pulled Chandler closer and slowly started to rock him back and forth. He wondered if she was crying. And he wondered if HE was crying.

Joey rose from his chair outside the OR and let out a deep sigh. He’d stayed as close to Monica as they would let him, but he didn’t do much good just sitting outside the OR, waiting to hear if she would live or die. Then he wondered if anyone had called Ross. Or Monica’s parents. Probably not. He continued down the hall until he found a payphone, and searched his pockets for a few dollars in change. He had two phone calls that he had to make, and then it could be good to call Rachel too. He wondered to himself how in the world he would be able to call one of his best friends up and tell him that his sister was possibly dying.

After about ten minutes, Chandler felt he’d had enough of the small room they were waiting in. He felt claustrophobic. But he felt he couldn’t leave Phoebe alone. He rose to his feet and wondered if Joey wouldn’t come soon. He could keep Phoebe company. Where WAS Joey?

"Phoebs, where did Joey go?" he asked.

"I haven’t seen him. I think he’s still with Monica."

"But why?" Chandler asked. "Why does HE get to be with her? I’M the one she’s living with! I’m her boyfriend! I’m the one who loves her!"

"We all love her, Chandler" Phoebe said with a whisper.

"Not like I do. There’s just no way you could."

Their discussion was interrupted by a doctor entering the room. Phoebe quickly rose as well. But the doctor hadn’t come with news on Monica. "I understand you were present at the time of the accident?" he said to Chandler, who nodded. "I want to do a check on you" the doctor explained. "To see if you’re okay."

"Of COURSE I’m not okay!" Chandler hissed. "My girlfriend has been hit by a freaking car!"

Phoebe put a hand on his shoulder, silently telling him to calm down. Chandler knew what she meant. ‘Don’t panic, don’t show that you’re scared’.

The doctor took Chandler with him anyway, and made a quick check on him. But apart from a shock and the fear of loosing Monica, there was nothing wrong with him. The doctor offered him a shot with some sedatives to calm him down, but Chandler declined.

Once the doctor let him return to Phoebe, Chandler took the opportunity to wonder off again. Sitting in the ER room drove him crazy. And there was nothing Phoebe could say or do to make him feel better. He only needed one thing, and that was to be together with Monica, and to know that she was safe.

He walked out the main doors of the hospital, to get some fresh air and clear his head. It was in the middle of July, so the weather was warm, he didn’t have to freeze. But he was more or less ice cold inside.

"What would I do without you, Monica?" he said to himself, as he continued to walk. "This just can’t be happening."

But it was. And with every passing moment, the truth slowly sank in, forcing him to face the fact that he might never get to see her again. He might never again get to hold her, kiss her, talk to her. He just couldn’t believe that the impossible had happened, the unthinkable had occurred, become truth and reality. ‘If you die, I can’t live’ he thought, remembering that they’d shared that thought just a few months earlier.

He didn’t want to find out weather or not that thought was true, weather or not he could live if she died. What kind of life would that be? Thinking back on the past ten years of his life, it seemed as if every good memory he had included her. Especially since she’d become his girlfriend. He tried to imagine how those years would have been if he’d never known her, but he couldn’t picture it. She was the centre of his life, as pathetic as that might sound. It wasn’t pathetic to him. It was simply the way things were. Then he pulled himself together. He forced himself to calm down, not to let it show what he was feeling.

‘Don’t scream, don’t cry’ he told himself. ‘This is the moment of truth, I guess… And I can’t show anyone how scared I am.’

He got back from his walk around the hospital about an hour later. When he entered the room where he’d waited with Phoebe, he saw now only her, but Joey and Monica’s parents. He felt awkward, not knowing what to say to them.

"Hey man…" Joey said, almost whispering. "Ross is here too, outside the OR." Chandler shrugged his shoulders. What difference did it make? Unless any of the people in the room could help Monica in some way, he couldn’t care less if they were there or not.

"Phoebe tells us you saw it" Jack Geller, Monica’s father, said.

"I was with her…" Chandler answered. "I was with her the whole time, until they forced me away and took me back to the apartment."

Judy Geller, Monica’s mom, rose to her feet and went over to him. She put a hand on his shoulder.

"Have you heard anything?" she asked.

Chandler shook his head. No, he hadn’t heard anything about her. But right now it felt like no news was good news. He didn’t want to hear anything, because he was so scared to hear that she wasn’t going to make it.

"We’ve heard a few things" Phoebe told him. "But nothing that helps us. Just that they don’t know how serious her injuries are yet, but they know they’re severe."

"Like I didn’t already know that" Chandler replied, and sat down.

The next hour seemed to go by in slow motion. Chandler checked his watch. It was around one o’clock. Three and a half hours had passed since they’d crossed the road together. Possibly the last thing they’d ever do together. By now they’d gotten updates on the situation about every fifteen minutes, but they still wouldn’t tell Monica’s friends and family how serious the situation was, or what her exact injuries were.

"Joey, why don’t you take Chandler to get some coffee?" Judy suggested. She was getting tired of his constant biting his bottom lip. And it would take his mind of the situation, at least for a few minutes.

"I don’t want coffee" Chandler replied, but followed Joey anyway. Joey didn’t say much, but welcomed the break. He was still caught in thoughts, feeling really left out. Jack, Judy and Ross were Monica’s family members, they had every right to worry and panic. Phoebe was Monica’s best friend, therefore she had reason to worry and panic. But Joey was somehow caught in the middle, not related and not Monica’s best friend. Everybody was expecting him to be strong and composed, as if Monica meant nothing to him. But most of all Joey was annoyed with Chandler. He was Monica’s boyfriend, the one who’d loose the most if Monica didn’t make it, but he didn’t panic or anything. He barely showed emotion. He had every right to, but he didn’t. And Joey didn’t feel like he had a right to, but he wanted to. At the same time, though, Joey would not want to trade. He knew Chandler was suffering inside. What he didn’t know, and didn’t understand, was why he didn’t let it show.

They got the coffee and Chandler suggested they’d wait in the cafeteria for a while. He was getting claustrophobic again. Joey agreed, also thankful for the break, and they sat down at one of the tables.

"Who’s called Rachel?" Chandler asked after a while.

"No one" Joey answered. "I didn’t get an answer when I tried to reach her, and this isn’t the kind of news you’d want to tell someone over an answering machine." Chandler nodded and sipped his coffee. He hadn’t even touched it before.

"Come on Chandler, what are you feeling?" Joey asked. This facade Chandler was putting up scared him. It was like he’d been drained of all emotion.

"Nothing, no biggy" Chandler answered, and stared into space.

"Nothing?" Joey said in disbelief. "You’re, you’re girlfriend is in an OR room, fighting for her life, and you feel NOTHING?"

"She’s not DEAD yet!" Chandler said with so much force in his voice that Joey recoiled in his chair.

"Wait a minute, I never said she was!" Joey defended himself. "But fact is, she’s hurt real bad and you just look like she got a cut in her finger, or something."

Chandler pressed his lips shut. He was afraid to say anything, afraid that he might loose the control he fought so hard to keep if he started talking. Because the truth was, Chandler was scared to death. He was afraid of ten thousand different things at the moment. He was afraid that he would loose his Monica, afraid that if she lived she would be an invalid, afraid that he spent his last night with her without holding her. And at the moment, what he was most afraid of was that his last words to her would be ‘I’m not so sure he will’. He’d always pictured his last words to her being ‘I love you’. That was all she ever really needed to know, that he had to say to her. And instead his final words had been about the bus driver. Joey didn’t say anything else. He stared into his plastic cup of coffee as if the answer to all of his problems lay in it. He wasn’t getting anything out of Chandler at the moment. No use trying to have a conversation with someone who refuses to show emotion. Then he thought of something else.

"Maybe I should try and reach Rachel again."

"Try" Chandler said. "If you want to. I don’t care."

"Yes, I forgot…" Joey said with a sigh, as he stood up. "You don’t care about anything anymore."

It took Joey over an hour to finally reach Rachel. And it took her an additional thirty minutes to get to the hospital. Joey hadn’t told her what it was about, so she didn’t see it necessary to rush to the hospital.

When she arrived there, five hours after Monica got hit by Pete Becker’s car, Joey met her outside the main entrance.

"Joey, this better be important!" Rachel hissed, as she followed him through the corridors. "I’ve got more important things to do with my time than hang out here!"

She immediately knew something serious had happened when she followed Joey into the little room where the others were. And since Jack and Judy Geller were there but Ross and Monica weren’t, she had a pretty good idea whom it concerned.

"Ross or Monica?" she asked. Nobody answered. "Ross or Monica?" she asked again, with more force in her voice this time.

"Monica’s dead" Chandler said toneless. He was sitting on a plastic chair, with a catatonic look on his face.

"No, seriously" Rachel said, not believing him. He would be a much bigger mess if Monica was dead.

"I’m serious" he replied, in the same toneless voice.

"Come on Chandler, this isn’t the time for one of your jokes or sarcastic remarks" Rachel hissed. "I want to know, here!" Chandler felt something snap inside of him.

"Monica’s dead, get it? Dead. DEAD! Do you think I could joke about anything at all?" With that he burst into tears, Rachel soon following him. She realized he wasn’t kidding around.

"Oh Chandler, I’m so sorry…" she whispered, but Chandler didn’t hear her. He hid his face in his hands and painfully cried. Chandler was a man who hardly ever cried, and when he did so it was very hard for him to do so.

After a minute or two Joey sat down next to him and pulled him into a hug.

"Get a grip, Chandler" he whispered in his friend’s ear. "This can’t be something that Monica would want."

Chandler pulled himself together almost instantly. He had to be strong now. He was facing death, but he shouldn’t care.

"Actually…" Phoebe said to Rachel who was still crying. "Monica isn’t dead. Not really."

"What?" Rachel said, quickly calming down. "Is this some kind of sick joke after all?"

"She’s in a very bad condition" Jack explained. "She got hit by a car this morning and we don’t have much hope for her."

"Yeah, and nobody seems to know exactly what her injuries are" Phoebe added.

"Actually, we do" a voice said.

The crowd of Monica’s family and friends looked up and saw Ross and a doctor standing there. It was the doctor who had spoken, another one than the one who’d checked on Chandler. He introduced himself as Dr. Barkley.

"You know our daughter’s condition?" Jack asked.

"Yes, we’ve managed to establish what her injuries are by now" the doctor said. "First of all she’s broken her right arm and both her wrists, but we’ve operated on that already and that’s not a problem at the moment."

"No problem?" Joey asked. "A, a broken arm and two broken wrists are no problems?"

"I think it gets worse" Ross said, going over to sit with Phoebe. He looked like he’d aged several years during the past hours.

"First of all she’s got a major hit to the head, we cannot leave out the possibility of brain damage. And her face has been slightly… mangled" Dr. Barkley explained. "Among other things her nose is broken. And then she’s got five broken ribs, two fractures on her right leg and five on her left, we may need to amputate."

"What, both her legs?" Rachel asked, shuddering at the thought.

"My girlfriend will be captain Dan" Chandler muttered to himself.

"She’s also got a few fractures to her left foot and her left hip. Her pelvis came close to breaking, but she got away with just a crack."

Chandler stopped listening as the doctor started listing the number of damage to different muscles in her body, mainly on her right side. She had been hit on the right side, thrown into the air, landing on her left side.

"Her right kidney is going to have to be removed. And her left one is damaged, so the best thing would be for her to get a new one. And her spleen is in a bad shape as well, but for that we’ll need a dead donator or we can take a spleen from a pig. But most likely she won’t make it ‘till dusk."

Phoebe shook her head slowly, she’d already known it would be very bad. And she hadn’t even hoped for Monica to live this long.

"And as you probably already knew, the baby couldn’t make it, we were unable to save it" the doctor continued.

"W, what?" Chandler asked in total confusion, looking up at the doctor from his seat on the chair.

"The baby. A two-month old foetus doesn’t stand much chance in an accident like this. If I were you, Mr. Bing, I’d be thankful if the MOTHER made it." And with that, the doctor was gone.

Chandler just stared into space, unable to take in what he had just heard. A baby? A two-month old baby? Monica had known, there was no chance she hadn’t. So why hadn’t she told him? Right now he didn’t even bother to wonder how the doctor had known his name. All he wanted to know is how Monica could have kept something like this from him.

Phoebe stared angrily at the doctor’s back as he disappeared back to the OR. How could he lay this on her friend’s shoulders? She had known from the first second it was mentioned, that Chandler had been as unknowing as the rest of them about the baby. And now Chandler had not only Monica’s life to worry about, but the fact that she hadn’t told him he was going to be a father. Or would have been, if she hadn’t been in the accident.

"Monica was PREGNANT?" Judy asked, clearly taken by surprise.

"Rub it in" Chandler said. He pulled up his legs on the chair next to the one where he was sitting, wrapped his arms around his knees and started to rock back and fourth, very slowly. Joey gave him another hug, but he wasn’t really aware. Monica had lied to him. She had lied to him, and now there was a great chance they would never get to work it out.

Another hour passed by. It had now been around seven hours since the accident. No one could believe how they’d gotten through these seven hours, let alone how Monica had managed.

"She smiled so wonderfully to me this morning…" Phoebe all of a sudden said, to no one. "The last time I saw her before the accident. She smiled and said ‘Thank you, Phoebe!’".

Chandler looked up at his friend, remembering that. And he realized how close he’d come himself of being the one who got hit by the car. And what would Phoebe say then? ‘He yelled so wonderfully at me this morning’?

"Phoebs, I’m sorry about this morning" he said, fighting with the thought of what she’d be feeling if it had been him who was in the OR right now.

"It doesn’t matter, Chandler" Phoebe answered. "I’m just glad I got such a great final good bye, that’s all."

Chandler closed his eyes and started looking out the window. The beautiful weather had turned into a cloudy afternoon. More appropriate, Chandler thought.

As a way of holding up, he thought back on times he’d shared with Monica. And he remembered something. A song, that now stuck on his mind like glue. It was back when he and Monica were just friends, about two or three years before they became a couple. They’d spent the evening together, watching "Watership Down", and Monica had really liked the song they played in that film. It was in the scene where Fiver followed the Black Rabbit of Inlé in search for Hazel, who had been shot by a farmer. The song was "Bright Eyes", performed by Art Garfunkel. And a week after they’d seen the film, Chandler had seen the single in a store and bought it for her. And since that time it had been "their song", and often when they were hanging out just the two of them, Monica would play it. Since they’d gotten together they had started referring to it as their "friendship song". They had long debated on which song would be their "relationship song", but finally Monica had said that it didn’t matter, and when they shared a special moment with a song playing in the background, that would be their relationship song. Right now Chandler wondered what she would think about "I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing". But for the moment he couldn’t get "Bright Eyes" out of his head. And it fit the situation very well, too. It was almost scary. Chandler looked out the window and saw a few drops of rain falling on the glass. The rain stopped after just a few seconds, to Chandler they represented the tears he’d cried over Monica an hour or so ago. And Art Garfunkel’s voice kept singing "Bright Eyes" in Chandler’s head.

Is it a kind of dream?

Floating out on the tide.

Following the river of death downstream.

Oh is it a dream?

There’s a fog along the horizon.

A strange glow in the sky.

And nobody seems to know where it goes.

And what does it mean?

Oh, is it a dream?

Bright eyes, burning like fire.

Bright eyes, how can you close and fail?

How can the life that burned so brightly.

Suddenly burn so pale?

Bright eyes.

Is it a kind of shadow?

Reaching in to the night.

Wondering over the hills unseen.

Or is it a dream?

There’s a high wind in the trees.

A cold sound in the air.

And nobody ever knows when you go.

And where do you start?

Oh, into the dark.

Bright eyes, burning like fire.

Bright eyes, how can you close and fail?

How can the light that burned so brightly.

Suddenly burn so pale?

Bright eyes.

Bright eyes, burning like fire.

Bright eyes, how can you close and fail?

How can the life that burned so brightly suddenly burn so pale?

Bright eyes.

"Mr. Bing?" Chandler looked up at the sound of Dr. Barkley’s voice.

"Mr. and Mrs. Geller…" the doctor continued. "There’s been some problems."

"What kind of problems?" Chandler heard himself ask, even though he didn’t want to know the answer. And besides. How could there be anything BUT problems at the moment?

"We can’t continue to operate on the patient" Dr. Berkley said.

"She has a name!" Joey hissed.

"Doctor, what’s the problem?" Judy said with a sigh.

"She’s woken up." Chandler lifted his head in shock to stare at the doctor for the third time that day. Woken up?

"Wait a minute, now how is that even possible?" he asked. "I mean, what kind of lame narcosis did you GIVE her?"

"We haven’t given her any, Mr. Bing" the doctor said. Chandler flew to his feet, along with Rachel and Joey.

"You WHAT?" Rachel exclaimed.

"We don’t know how serious her head damage is yet. And before we know, administering her an anaesthetic could very well be fatal" Dr. Berkley informed them.

"Well for crying out loud," Joey yelled, "it’s been eight hours since she got hit by that car, shouldn’t you have know for ages?"

"We’re waiting for the results of the tests we’ve conducted" the doctor defended himself in a professional tone. "But our main priority was first to stop the bleeding."

"Just hold on one minute!" Rachel said. "What are you actually saying? That you can’t operate until you’ve given her the… whatever you said it was called, the drugs. And that before you get that…"

"… she will be able to feel pretty much everything" Chandler slowly finished her sentence. Rachel slowly sank down on her chair again, covering her mouth with her hand.

"Is that even possible?" Ross asked. "I mean, shouldn’t se be in shock or something?"

"I don’t have time to chat" Dr. Berkley said. "What we need now is to get her to calm down. She’s starting to panic and she needs her strength for better things."

"Let me see her" Chandler said, low but forcefully.

"I’m not sure that’s such a--" Phoebe began, but Chandler shushed her.

"Look, this time _I_ get to be with her, okay? I want to see her! I really do! And besides, who can calm her down better than I can?"

Dr. Berkley sighed and waved to Chandler to come with him. While he helped Chandler get cleaned off so he could enter the OR, he warned him that it would not be a pretty sight.

"I don’t know what Ms. Geller looked like before the accident," the doctor said, "but I can tell you this, it was hardly like she looks at the moment." Chandler silently wondered if doctors had a hidden ability to never encourage people, but followed Dr. Berkley into the OR.

The OR was filled with people running around. Not much like Chandler had seen on "ER". On a table in the middle he could see Monica. More or less. He could see her face and part of her arms. There was a big, green cloth of some kind held up right below her neck, so he couldn’t see anything else below it. He could barely see that it was her. He felt most of his courage fall of him at that moment, and he didn’t want to go one step closer to that person that was supposed to be the woman that he loved. Dr. Berkley, on the other hand, seemed to have no trouble at all walking up to Monica.

"There’s somebody here to see you, miss" he said in an almost amused tone, and waved Chandler closer.

As Chandler approached the table, he could see that Monica’s long, black hair was still there, they hadn’t shaved her head. But her hair was sweaty and tangled, not at all like the beautiful mane he was used to seeing. She had a mask over her bruised face, and Chandler realized it was phoney gas, the only kind of pain killers they could risk giving her.

Then she turned her head backwards and saw him. And he saw her eyes. They had a look he had never seen before, they were pleading for something. Chandler didn’t want to know what, afraid that the answer would be death. He also saw her pain and panic reflected in her eyes, and he walked closer and sat down on a chair that someone had put out for him. Dr. Barkley had said it was okay for him to touch her, since he was wearing gloves. He gently stroke some of her hair away from her face.

"Hi babe…" he whispered. He wondered if she was even capable of apprehending what he was saying. And then he realized he’d gotten one of the things he’d wished for. The last thing he possibly said to her was no longer ‘I’m not so sure he will’.

He wanted to kiss her on the cheek, but was afraid to. Instead he talked in a low voice to her, leaning in close so that she would have a better chance hearing him.

"I love you, babe" he whispered. "I know this hurts you… I know it’s tough… But you can’t give up on me now. You can’t give up, you’re gonna survive. Don’t you leave me babe, do you hear?"

Everything was a blur to Monica. Every single part of her lower body screamed out in pain, the phoney gas they’d given her didn’t help allot. And she had no idea what had happened and what she was doing there. And why she was left alone with a bunch of strangers, who were operating on her when she was awake. Although that had stopped as soon as they’d noticed that she was awake.

And now he was there. Chandler was there. It stilled the worry she’d had over him, if something was wrong with him. She knew he was talking to her, trying to calm her down, but all she was aware of was the pain. It was like her ears had ceased to work.

She somehow managed to lift up her left arm, the one that hurt the least, and move it towards him. She was too weak to touch him, she could only move her hand about an inch before it fell back down again. Chandler saw and carefully took her hand. It hurt allot, but she didn’t care. It wasn’t like the rest of her was free of pain.

Chandler took Monica’s hand, the one she’d tried to reach up to him, and saw that it hurt her. Even though he probably shouldn’t, he lifted her hand up to his face and kissed the back of her hand.

"I’m so sorry, babe" he whispered. "Why you? Why you and not me? And why do you have to go through this?"

He realized something at that moment that he hadn’t even thought of before. If she was going to die, if there was no hope at all for her, then he wanted to go back in time and help her die earlier on. If she wasn’t going to make it, it seemed so unfair and cruel to let her suffer like this. He wasn’t even aware if she could feel the pain or not. Probably not all of it. In that case she would have been dead already.

Suddenly two nurses and a doctor stormed in.

"We have the results of the brain scan!" the doctor exclaimed.

Suddenly the crowd started working fast, and one of the nurses told Chandler it was time to go. He leaned over and whispered one last thing in Monica’s ear. ‘I love you’. Then he followed the nurse out.

Joey and Ross saw him coming first. And judging by the look on his face he hadn’t spent the past five minutes at a pleasant place. But there was still a look of contentment in his face.

"Dude, how come you look so happy?" Ross asked. "I mean, you look like you’re in the purgatory, but there’s still something happy over the way you look."

"I got to tell her" was all Chandler offered as an answer. But they all knew. He got to tell her that he loved her, and that was important to him.

"But is she… ?" Phoebe finally asked.

"They started giving her the anaesthetic as I left. They’re gonna operate on her now… again."

"While you were gone another doctor came by" Joey told him. "They’ve taken some tests on us, to see if any of us can give her a kidney."

"What about me?" Chandler asked. Nobody answered. Chandler sighed and sat down again. The list of ‘hows’ and ‘ifs’ grew long in his mind. He just couldn’t understand what the point of all this was. He glanced over at Rachel, who hadn’t said much. He’d barely heard her speak since she’d disbelieved him earlier on. His eyes then fell on Ross, who didn’t seem to say much either. Chandler slowly realized he wasn’t the only one with agonizing thoughts.

"She smiled so beautifully at me this morning…" Phoebe said again, with a slight smile. "She smiled, said ‘thank you, Phoebe!’ and then she was off…" Chandler didn’t comment this time. All was forgiven between them already. They both knew a petty fight like the one they’d had that morning was nothing compared to this. And there was no point in saying it.

Dusk came and went. By nine o’clock twelve hours and thirty minutes had past, roughly. And still no positive news. Monica hadn’t woken up again, and that was pretty much all the good news there was.

Dr. Berkley returned every twenty minutes to give them the latest news, each time tearing down the wall of hope Chandler was building inside of him. He once again pulled his legs up on the chair next to the one he was sitting on, wrapped his arms around his knees and rested his forehead against his knees.

‘Help me, Monica’ he thought to himself. ‘The point of being a couple is to be together, to keep each other strong. How can you desert me now? How can you give up when you know I love you so? We’re supposed to be together, we’re supposed to do things together, not me, not alone like this. Monica, help.’

But no help was offered. Only more news that his girlfriend was slowly slipping away and there was nothing the doctors could do to stop it. A quick glance on his wrist watch, an anniversary present from Monica about a month earlier, told him almost thirteen hours had passed. He would have guessed thirteen years. He sure felt that much older.

Someone had turned the radio back on, and the cheerful pop songs that were played only annoyed Chandler. And for some reason, the radio DJ insisted on playing Five’s "Get on Up" every ten minutes, a song that Chandler had always hated.

Rachel watched the person closest to her best friend slowly fall apart. It hurt her just to look at Chandler. He barely let it show on his actions, but he couldn’t hide his fear and desperation in his eyes. And Rachel realized it was true what Monica had often said, you could read his mood in his eyes. The only time she’d seen his eyes the past twenty-five minutes had been when he’d looked up to check the time, but each time he did that his eyes shined with so much hurt and frustration that it was driving her crazy. When he wasn’t eying his watch he was resting his head against his knees, a position he’d taken a while ago.

Now the radio DJ decided to play a ballade all of a sudden. Rachel reached to turn the radio off when she recognized the song, which was after just a second or two. Chandler told her not to, having looked up to check his watch again.

"Are… are you sure you’d want to hear this song?" Rachel had to ask. Chandler didn’t answer.

Chandler slowly started rocking back and forth to the sound the music. He felt like a sumo wrestler was sitting on his chest when he heard the lyrics, the words stabbed him like a knife. It was as if someone had read his mind and made it into a song, and now played it for him on the radio, played it so that he would hear. But he knew that was a foolish idea, this was a song that had been nominated for an Academy Award. He knew the singer’s name was Trisha Yearwood, but that was pretty much all he knew. He closed his eyes and tried to keep from panic as he heard the words.

How do I,

Get through one night without you?

If I had to live without you,

What kind of life would that be?

Oh and I, I need you in my arms, need you to hold.

You’re my world, my heart, my soul.

If you ever leave,

Baby you would take away everything good in my life.

Without you,

There’d be no sun in my sky.

There would be no love in my life.

There’d be no world left for me, and I,

Baby I don’t know what I would do.

I’d be lost if I lost you.

If you ever leave,

Baby you would take away everything real in my life.

And tell me now.

How do I live without you?

I want to know.

How do I breathe without you, p> If you ever go?

How do I ever, ever survive?

How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

If you ever leave,

Baby you would take away everything.

Need you with me.

Baby ‘cause you know that you’re everything good in my life.

And tell me now.

How do I live without you?

I want to know.

How do I breathe without you?

If you ever go.

How do I ever, ever survive?

How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

How do I live without you baby?

"You know," Phoebe said as the song tuned out, "I’m feeling surprisingly calm." Nobody bothered to say anything about that. There was a few seconds of silence.

"You look calm" Ross finally spoke.

"I’ve made my peace with it" Phoebe explained. Chandler looked up, slowly.

"But she’s not even dead yet" he said.

"No, I know…" Phoebe said. "But see, I don’t really think we could loose her. I know this sounds tacky, but as long as Chandler’s around we’ll still have Monica as well. She’s gonna… you know… live in him."

"Oh great, so now I’m gonna have to be your link to Monica?" Chandler muttered, staring at the ceiling. "No thanks, Phoebs. If she doesn’t live then I’ll have enough of my own to think about without playing psychic."

"Mr. Bing, Mr. and Mrs. Geller…" Dr. Barkley’s voice said. Chandler and Ross shared a look. He wasn’t supposed to come by for another ten minutes.

"Is something wrong? Has something changed?" Judy asked, rising.

"Mr. Bing, Mr. and Mrs. Geller I’m sorry… just about a minute ago her heart stopped beating."

Chandler rose to his feet.

"NO" he exclaimed, as if the mere words would change the facts.

But it was no use.