Part 16, the Talk

 

Monica went back into the living room and sat down on the couch. She felt

 

tired and emotionally drained. She’d been tossed between emotions so many

 

times during the past three days that she felt really weak. She lay down and

 

soon fell asleep.

 

She had a very strange dream. She was in a place she’d never been before,

 

and she wasn’t alone.

 

"George" she said. "Are YOU here? I didn’t expect to see you until I’d die."

 

"Well you’re not dead quite yet, dear" George assured her.

 

He sat down next to her on the couch she was sitting on, and put his hand

 

over hers.

 

"So then how come you’re here? Or am I just dreaming?"

 

"Sort of, actually. I’ve come to help you straighten your life out."

 

Monica looked away, glancing on the walls she’d never seen before, that were

 

painted in white.

 

"My life is such a mess that I don’t think you can straighten it out

 

anymore" she said.

 

"Anything can be straightened out" George said. "Just like everything can be

 

taken back, if only you honestly mean it."

 

"Words can be taken back" Monica said. "I can’t take back sleeping with

 

other men. For example."

 

"I am not here to help you work things out with your Chandler, dear" George

 

said. "That’s not my intention. You’re going to have to deal with that all

 

on your own."

 

"Great, thanks" Monica sarcastically said. "So then what’s the deal? Are you

 

here to lecture me? Give me answers? What?"

 

"Monica, would you tell me what you think has happened since the last time

 

you and I spoke?"

 

"What’s happened? Way too much has happened... I got amnesia after that

 

accident and that ruined my life and it ruined Chandler’s."

 

"What about your friends?"

 

"My friends? My friends, what about them?"

 

"Has it affected their lives?" George asked.

 

"Of course it has. But not like it’s changed things for Chandler and me.

 

Sure, they were used to seeing us together and they were used to me acting

 

as I did before. But I didn’t ruin anything for them."

 

"How about their relationships with you? Are any of those the same?"

 

"Phoebe and I are pretty much as we used to be..." Monica said,

 

thoughtfully. "We’re close again. Rachel I can’t really reach, or maybe

 

she’s the one who can’t reach me. I see her with new eyes these days and I

 

don’t like everything that I see. Not that anyone can say any differently

 

about me."

 

"Sure they can." George said. "But on the other hand, is there anyone that

 

you can look at and like precisely everything?"

 

Monica shook her head.

 

"What about the relationship between you and your brother?" George asked.

 

"Are you as close as before?"

 

Monica snorted.

 

"Not by a long shot."

 

"And the fifth one?"

 

"Who, Joey? No, we’re not like we once were... We were actually closer than

 

before at one point, I think, but now we’re drifted apart again."

 

"So then this has affected everyone" George concluded.

 

"But not like it’s affected Chandler" Monica protested. "We were in a

 

relationship. The others were my friends, Chandler was my lover and my soul

 

mate. And I was the same for him. And then things changed, I got amnesia and

 

he was all of a sudden single again, and I..." Monica sighed. "And I hated

 

him. Not really, but I treated him as if I did. And I made sure the distance

 

between us remained, I kept us apart even if I didn’t do it intentionally.

 

And I wouldn’t let him..." She bit her bottom lip and quieted.

 

"Sounds to me like there’s allot of guilt there" George said.

 

"You can say that again" Monica said, and shook her head. "I’m feeling guilt

 

about pretty much everything I did since I woke up from the coma. And I

 

SHOULD feel guilty."

 

"As someone who’s got answers..." George said. "Let me just ask you, how

 

does your guilt improve the situation?"

 

"Maybe it doesn’t, but then again if I didn’t feel any guilt at all I would

 

be a monster. I wouldn’t have any emotions left."

 

"That could be true" George agreed. "But maybe what you need is to let it go

 

and leave it all behind you. So try not to wallow in guilt for the rest of

 

your life, make up for whatever you can and then leave the rest. I think it

 

would be enough for that boyfriend of yours just to know that you’re feeling

 

bad about things."

 

"Hey George, maybe I will feel this guilt for the rest of my life, and

 

that’s how I make it all up to Chandler..."

 

"Don’t think in those lines, dear" George said.

 

Monica bit her bottom lip again and looked down on her hands. She didn’t

 

know what to say or do, didn’t know what was expected of her.

 

George kept the silence for a few minutes.

 

"So how have YOU been feeling since we last met?" he then asked.

 

"Me?" Monica looked up at him. "I’ve felt... I’ve felt lost, abandoned,

 

cursed, jinxed, damned, I’ve felt lonely and betrayed, and I’ve felt so

 

unfamiliar with everything..."

 

"This year has been no easier on you than it has on Chandler, I would say"

 

George said.

 

"Chandler’s probably felt all of those things too, and then add to that all

 

of the pain and misery that I’ve caused him." She laughed at the irony and

 

shook her head. "Now I’m sure not one of God’s chosen anymore..."

 

"Yes you are" George replied.

 

"That’s insane" Monica said. "Haven’t you been paying attention, George? You

 

know what I have done this year... For over twelve months I’ve backstabbed

 

the person who loves me more than anything!"

 

"You’ve done no such thing" George insisted.

 

"You HAVEN’T paid attention" Monica concluded.

 

"Sure I have. But tell me something, did you remember Chandler and your

 

past?"

 

"No"

 

"Did you plan on hurting people, did you go out to ruin things for the ones

 

close to you?"

 

"Of COURSE not!"

 

"Well then you haven’t backstabbed anyone since you haven’t intended on

 

hurting them."

 

"George, I have done SOME things to hurt people" Monica said. "I flirted

 

with Don, for example. And I pulled that god awful trick on Chandler, where

 

I pretended to want him back and..." She trailed off and closed her eyes in

 

pain of the memory.

 

"The way I see it you were testing his sincerity." George said. "Sure, you

 

didn’t do it in a very smooth way, but you didn’t do it because you wanted

 

to hurt him, did you?"

 

"Weather or not I did it to hurt him doesn’t matter, because in the end I

 

did."

 

"True..." George said. "But Monica, if you didn’t intend on hurting him then

 

you can’t be all bad, can you?"

 

"You’ve said that no one’s all bad." Monica pointed out.

 

"You know what I mean."

 

Monica shrugged her shoulders. She couldn’t get George to understand. She

 

couldn’t make him understand what it was like to have hurt someone so deep,

 

someone that you loved to top it all off.

 

"George you don’t know what it’s like" she whispered.

 

"Oh I’ve hurt people in my days, believe me Monica."

 

"Not like I have" Monica replied.

 

"Monica we can’t get any further into this issue right now" George then

 

said, after a small pause. "I am not here to debate with you on weather or

 

not you’ve done the right things these past months."

 

"You’re here to help me sort of my life, isn’t that it?" Monica asked.

 

"There are so many things to deal with before it can be all sorted out, that

 

I think you are wasting your time."

 

"Leave that up to me to decide." George said. "Now, what we need to focus on

 

is WHY your life is as it is."

 

"Oh I know why!" Monica said, bitter. "I did a good deed and ended up

 

getting a one-way ticket to death. But instead I stayed behind, suffered the

 

marks from the accident and ended up destroying everyone around me."

 

"More guilt" George pointed out.

 

"Yes, more guilt!"

 

"Monica why do you think your life is as it is?"

 

"I just told you" Monica said, feeling stubborn.

 

"What I mean is, why do you think all of this has happened to you?"

 

"I... don’t know really."

 

She shrugged her shoulders and avoided George’s gaze. She had her ideas, but

 

she didn’t dare to put any of them into words. And besides, she wasn’t at

 

all sure that her ideas were correct. She didn’t even know if there was a

 

reason, sometime fate acts for you. But then again she did get the

 

opportunity to choose once, and she chose to go on living. And that was what

 

she would guess was the reason for her live being as it was.

 

"I think that it’s because I didn’t chose what I was supposed to choose" she

 

said after a few seconds of thinking it through.

 

"Pardon?" George said.

 

"I was meant to die, you told me so... But instead I decided to stay and I

 

decided to reject heaven, or whatever you said I was going to, I threw away

 

a golden opportunity... And I guess that this is my punishment." She started

 

to cry. "But why did everyone that I love and care about have to be part of

 

that punishment? What bad has Chandler done? Or Ross? Or Phoebe?"

 

George let her cry, let her get the tears she’d been holding back on out. He

 

could wait for a while with giving her the truth.

 

Chandler entered the apartment and found Monica asleep on the couch. He felt

 

slightly relieved, he didn’t want to talk to her at the moment. He just

 

wanted to have some piece and quiet.

 

He went to the bedroom to take a nap as well, and found one of his shirts on

 

the bed.

 

‘That’s funny’ he thought. ‘I don’t remember putting it there this morning.

 

I must have been really stressed.’

 

He picked it up and went over to the closet to hang it up. He heard a thump

 

as something fell to the ground. He looked down and recognized the diary.

 

‘There it is’ he thought, and quickly hung back the shirt. He then picked

 

the diary up again.

 

"How did I not notice it before?" he mumbled to himself.

 

He decided to go across the hall to sit and write in it. He had an entry

 

that wasn’t completed and he wanted to finish it. And he wanted to write

 

about how Monica had remembered and how they’d ended up fighting.

 

‘It’s so weird that I’m complaining about my situation with Monica TO

 

Monica. Although it’s the Monica from before, so I guess it’s different. And

 

she’ll never even know that I bitch about her like this.’

 

He went over to Joey’s apartment and sat down by the counter with a pencil

 

in his hand. He opened the page where he’d last been writing, and noticed

 

that there was something written on the next page.

 

"That’s funny" he mumbled. "I don’t remember writing anything else after

 

this."

 

He turned the page and saw Monica’s handwriting. He stared at it, not

 

knowing what to say or do. He quickly read the dating and saw that she’d

 

written it the day before.

 

"Monica knows..." he whispered.

 

He slammed the book shut and threw the pencil in the wall, struck by anger.

 

He didn’t really know what was making him so mad, but part of him felt

 

betrayed. Had she read what he’d written? Was she furious with him for

 

invading her privacy by opening the diary? And why had she lied to him about

 

it the night before?

 

He rose in anger and bit his lower lip again.

 

"Damn it!" he said. "Why did she have to find it? This isn’t happening! She

 

won’t understand, she’s not who she was, there is no chance she will get it!

 

She won’t understand how I needed to do this!"

 

And then he felt terribly guilty for thinking and saying that about her.

 

"Oh damn it..." he whispered and sunk back on his seat. "Will she

 

understand? Has she even bothered to read it? And why on earth didn’t she

 

tell me that she’d found it? How could she just continue lying to me?"

 

Monica had dried her tears and was now staring into space, feeling empty.

 

George had been quiet for some time.

 

"Dear..." he finally said. "The worst thing is that you believe that

 

accusation. No one’s accused you of making a wrong choice, you’re the one

 

who’s been convinced of it. And that’s one of the reasons for all of this

 

that has happened."

 

"So what are you saying?" Monica asked. "I’m being punished for being

 

stupid? For believing the wrong things?"

 

"You are not being punished at all!" George tried to explain. "You see,

 

dear... The only one punishing you, if there is anyone that’s punishing you,

 

is you yourself. Your belief that you are being punished is something you’ve

 

come up with all on your own, and that has lead to you loosing your faith, I

 

guess..." He sighed. "This is all very hard to explain."

 

"Don’t tell me I’m gonna have to wait until I die to understand" Monica said

 

with a sigh. "I can’t wait much longer to know."

 

"You can’t even wait two months?" George joked.

 

"Very funny" Monica said with a smile on her face.

 

"This is complicated and I guess I can’t explain it too you completely until

 

you see it for yourself. Which is after you die."

 

"Oh happy day" Monica moaned, and shook her head.

 

"Since you’ve believed that you are being punished you have also punished

 

yourself" George said, trying to explain.

 

"Makes no sense" Monica said. "I haven’t remembered anything, how could I be

 

punishing myself subconsciously for something I don’t remember?"

 

"Because deep down inside part of you, your spirit, always knew. Your

 

memories are all there, you haven’t lost your memories. You’ve only lost the

 

ability to bring them out. That’s why you haven’t been able to leave all of

 

your friends and try to make it on your own. That’s why you’ve never been

 

able to push Chandler away for real. Because your memories have always been

 

there, weather or not you’ve known it."

 

"That doesn’t make any sense either" Monica objected. "If that were true

 

then I would remember everything, now that the memory of Chandler has come

 

back to me."

 

"No" George said.

 

"Yes" Monica said more forcefully. "Because if I remember him then I’ve

 

obviously regained the ability to bring out my memories, like you spoke

 

about. And I don’t remember anything else that Chandler and me. I don’t even

 

remember everything about us!"

 

"Different things make you think of different memories." George said. "For

 

example, a certain book might make you think about the time you bought it,

 

but it won’t make you think of the last time you had frozen yoghurt."

 

"Cute metaphor" Monica said, rolling her eyes.

 

"The thing I am here to tell you about dear has nothing to do with this

 

anyway, so I suggest we leave it for now."

 

"I guess that sounds fair."

 

"Now..." George said. "Do you understand what I mean when I talk about how

 

you’ve still had your memories stacked up inside of you?"

 

"I think I do."

 

"Subconsciously you’ve felt that you’ve angered what you call God by

 

choosing life on earth instead of life in heaven. And since you’ve probably

 

felt that you don’t deserve to be happy, or something to that affect, you’ve

 

subconsciously punished yourself. You might even have kept your own memories

 

without reach to punish yourself."

 

"That sounds true" Monica whispered. She felt great pain come over her. "So

 

this means that all of the pain I’ve brought on Chandler and my friends have

 

been all my fault? Not without my control? That I could have ended their

 

pain a long while ago but I didn’t, just to get even with myself?"

 

"Maybe" George said.

 

"Oh god!" Monica said, starting to cry.

 

"Monica get a grip" George said. "It doesn’t matter anyway because it’s in

 

the past."

 

Monica didn’t listen. She didn’t care about what he had to say right now.

 

She felt her heart break when she realized she’d ‘caused everyone she cared

 

about so much pain, and for no reason at all.

 

"Monica LISTEN TO ME!" George said, getting her attention again. "It doesn’t

 

matter at all if you were the only reason your friends suffered, because it

 

was still out of your control. The conviction that you were being punished

 

must have been so deeply rooted in your subconscious this past year that

 

it’s been out of your control."

 

Monica calmed down and dried her tears.

 

"That’s better" George said. "Now listen carefully. Why would you think that

 

whatever gave you the gateway to heaven would decide to punish you for

 

wanting to stay among the people that you love?"

 

"Because I’m ungrateful, I guess..." Monica said with a sigh. "I mean, if

 

you’re offered the chance to go to heaven you don’t turn it down to be able

 

to spend a few years more with people that you’ll see up in heaven anyway.

 

Right?"

 

"I think you’re on the wrong track. Why would wanting to stay with your

 

loved ones be ungrateful?"

 

"Well, duh!" Monica said. "It’s practically the same as telling God, or

 

whatever you want to call it or him, that you don’t want his gift, you’d

 

rather spend more time down in hell, which must be what life on earth is."

 

"A correct thought perhaps, at least it could be plausible... But by

 

choosing to stay behind you only made yourself more worthy of your place in

 

heaven."

 

"Huh?" Monica said, confused.

 

"What you said by that was that you wanted to be with the people that you

 

love. That you care about them very much and that you want to make their

 

lives easier by coming back to them. You know what your boyfriend said all

 

those times when he sat by your bedside. You know what he wished he could

 

say. His life would be empty and lonely without you. There would be no love

 

in his life, no world left for him to be happy in. And you knew that, and

 

you chose to stay behind to give his life meaning and to let him be happy,

 

instead of thinking of what would be best for you."

 

"That’s a lovely idea, George... But it’s not true."

 

"I think that it is true, dear" George said.

 

"But it’s not. I mean, look at Chandler’s life now! I’ve ruined it! He’s not

 

happy at all, and he HATES me! I’ve destroyed US forever! And I didn’t just

 

stay behind to make his life easier, I stayed behind because I was selfish

 

and I wanted to have him with me!"

 

"Monica do you know what Chandler’s life would have been like if you would

 

have died?" George asked. "He would wallow in grief for the rest of his

 

life. He would never stop missing you, he would probably spend all of his

 

days waiting for the day when he’d be reunited with you."

 

"Then how come I was supposed to die?" Monica asked. "Did that God-thing

 

want to punish Chandler for something? Chandler’s so sweet, he’s the best

 

person I’ve ever met and he’s done nothing to be punished for."

 

"I can’t answer that question, I don’t know what the answer is" George said.

 

"Didn’t you say you had all the answers?"

 

"Yes, but that is nothing I’ve looked for the answer of. So therefore I

 

don’t know what the answer is. But trust me Monica, you haven’t done

 

anything wrong for deciding to stay here on earth."

 

"Then why has all of this happened?" Monica asked. "Why can’t I remember

 

anything?"

 

"Physical scars of the accident" George told her. "Or mental, if you want to

 

look at it that way."

 

"Out of control, in other words."

 

"You need to tell yourself to let go of the idea that you have that you’ve

 

done something wrong and that you should be punished. You need to find the

 

realisation that you can’t change fate. You had that just a few nights ago.

 

But then something happened…"

 

"Yeah, something happened…" Monica said. "I suddenly remembered, and I

 

suddenly realized to full extent what I’ve done."

 

"And now you’re looking at it the wrong way again." George said.

 

"Look George, I guess it doesn’t matter if you are right or if I am. It

 

doesn’t change the facts." Monica said, thoughtfully twisting a curl of her

 

hair between her fingers.

 

"And what facts are we talking about here?" George asked.

 

"The fact that I should have died because then I at least wouldn’t have let

 

everybody down like this! I rejected my shot at going to heaven and so the

 

life I returned to became hell."

 

"The power that we call God is not like that, dear..." George said. "Who

 

said that if you didn’t want to go to heaven right away you couldn’t have

 

heaven on earth?"

 

With that he was gone.