Part 14, the Lies

By Anna

 

Chandler and Monica entered their apartment. For a few seconds they just

stood there, looking deep into each other’s eyes. Then they were in each

other’s arms, kissing and touching.

"Oh Monica... Oh I love you..." Chandler said and kissed her again. "My

Monica, I love you so."

Monica answered by kissing him harder. She felt like she was on cloud nine,

and Chandler was there with her.

He slowly moved them towards the bedroom, a room he had not entered for a

very long time. Monica kept her arms lingered around his neck, and kept her

mouth close to his.

"Such a long time..." he whispered to her once they were inside the

bedroom.

"Such a long time" Monica echoed, broke the embrace and closed the door. She

then flipped on the stereo and returned to his arms.

"Monica..." Chandler whispered, with the memory of the last time they had

been kissing like this clear, "Mon are you sure you want this? We can wait,

if that’s what you want."

Monica smiled and kissed him on the cheek.

"I don’t want to wait" she whispered in his ear. "I think we’ve both waited

too long already."

She reached up behind her head when he kissed her again. Her hair was up for

once, she’d put it up with a buckle before they left. Chandler could hear

the small clicking sound when she opened it, and then he felt her long hair

fall down over his hands, that were caressing her neck. The sensation turned

him on even more.

"I love you Chandler" Monica whispered, broke the embrace and lead him to

the bed, where they made love to the tunes of "November Rain".

Chandler rested his chin against the top of her head. They were lying in bed

together after sharing one of their best nights, and Monica had snuggled

close to him.

"I’ve missed you" Chandler whispered. He was afraid to talk with a louder

tone, afraid that it might break the magic between them.

"I missed you too..." Monica whispered. "Deep down inside I did. Even though

I wouldn’t have said so if anyone asked. I simply didn’t know what it was I

missed."

"I think there was just too many things that you missed" Chandler suggested.

"I love you, I need you..." she whispered back, and kissed his arm that was

lingered around her.

Chandler closed his eyes and savoured the moment. He had dreamed of this

moment for so long now, and he didn’t want to miss a single second of it.

Monica turned around and laid down on her stomach instead of her back,

lingering her left arm over his shoulder. She felt like she was at home, it

wouldn’t matter if the rest of her past would forever be a blur. She’d

remembered Chandler and her feelings for him, and nothing else mattered.

Chandler felt completely relaxed, but for some reason he didn’t feel like he

was ready to fall asleep. And that was odd, since he’d been tired all the

time for so long now. And now his worries were all of a sudden gone, so he

shouldn’t have anything keeping him awake. But still there was something

keeping him from sleeping.

"Love you..." Monica whispered in the night. Chandler didn’t answer.

Joey eyed Phoebe and tried to figure out what the change was. He’d gone

downstairs to get something to drink, and when he’d come back she had a big

smile on her face. And she didn’t say why.

"Come on Phoebs, would you just let me know?" he asked, and threw himself on

his bed. "I could use something nice to hear."

Phoebe said nothing, she just smiled. She was almost sure that what she’d

seen was a reconciliation between Monica and Chandler. That their lonely

times had ended and now they were back together. But she didn’t want to get

Joey’s hopes up in case she was wrong.

"Phoebs!" Joey complained.

"You’ll see in good time" Phoebe said with a smile. "If you need to know,

that is."

"Who cares, I WANT to know."

Phoebe ignored him and went over to have a sip from his drink.

"Nuh-uh!" Joey said. "You’re not getting anything until you tell me what’s

going on!"

Phoebe shrugged her shoulders and left Joey’s room. She knew that if he

pressured her long enough she would tell him, and it felt almost like a

secret.

She went downstairs and ran into Rachel.

"Phoebe, where’s Monica? I need to ask her something" Rachel said, with a

troubled look on a big stain on her blue t-shirt.

"Monica’s not here" Phoebe answered with a smile.

"So who’s she with this time? Is she still out with Pete? Yikes! Poor

Chandler!"

Rachel suddenly forgot about the stain, sensing a much more interesting

topic coming up. Even though interesting probably wasn’t the right word for

her friends’ screwed-up lives.

"Where is he? Out moping somewhere?"

"Chandler’s not here either" Phoebe told her.

Rachel sighed and mumbled something that Phoebe couldn’t hear. She decided

to change the subject.

"So where have you been tonight?"

"Chandler?" Monica asked. "Is there something wrong?"

He hadn’t said anything for over twenty minutes, even though she’d asked him

a question just a few minutes ago.

Chandler said nothing. He started at the ceiling and appeared to be miles

away.

"Chandler!"

Monica was getting slightly freaked out. She didn’t know what to make of

this new silence. It was uncomfortable and slightly scary. She slowly moved

away from him so that she lay next to him instead of in his arms.

"Chandler, say something!"

Chandler turned and looked at her.

"I just can’t believe you could do that" he finally said.

"Do what?" Monica asked. "Chandler I don’t know what you’re talking about!"

She felt slightly struck by panic. She had a feeling something unpleasant

was on his mind, and she started to have doubts. She wondered if the

forgiveness she’d taken for granted when he kissed her was for real. If it

really was that simple.

"Would you just let me know what’s on your mind?" she asked.

"You were pregnant with my child and you let me find out by hearing that

you’d lost it by a doctor in a hospital!" Chandler said, his words thick

with accusation.

"THAT’S what this is about?" Monica asked, not really getting it.

"Yes, THAT’S what this is about!" Chandler replied, moving away from her in

anger.

"Let me get this straight..." Monica said. "You can forgive me one year of

insults, heartbreaks, back-stabs and pain, just in a second. But you can’t

forgive me for loosing a child in an accident over one year ago!"

"It’s not about LOOSING the child!" Chandler bawled.

"Then what?"

"It’s about you not TELLING me!"

Monica eyed him for a second to try and figure out if he was serious or not.

She just couldn’t understand why that would upset him. For all he knew she

could have just been a week or two pregnant.

"Chandler, what makes you so sure that I--" she began.

"I asked the doctor!" Chandler told her. "I asked him how far along you

were. He told me two months. He mentioned it when he told me you’d lost the

baby, but I didn’t think about how far along he said you’d been, so I asked

him about it later. And he said two months."

"Well then he’s a liar!" Monica said, then paused. "It was seven weeks."

"Seven weeks, two months, what’s the difference?" Chandler asked, angry.

"The point is that you KNEW, and you didn’t tell me."

"So?" Monica said. "You know, two months is plenty of time for you to figure

it out on your own." She was getting defensive now.

"‘Figure it out on my own’?" Chandler echoed. "So what’s the deal, if I

don’t notice it on you physically until you can’t get into your jeans

anymore then I don’t deserve to be told?"

"That’s not what I’m saying." Monica said, crossing her arms. "But you can’t

give me all the blame if you didn’t notice anything."

Chandler glared at her. She looked so stubborn again. He’d made the mistake

of believing that she was completely back to her old self again, but

apparently it was just the memory of him that had return, not her old

attitude. Not completely.

"But it IS your blame!" he said. "How the hell could you let me find out

like that?"

"I hadn’t exactly planned on being in that accident!" Monica said, starting

to cry.

"What, you think tears will help you out of this?" Chandler hissed.

"What is the MATTER with you?" Monica asked. "How come you’re so cold all of

a sudden? Excuse me, but I HAD planned on telling you!"

"When?" Chandler asked, still very mad. "After you sent the kid off to

college?"

"Oh shut up!" Monica yelled.

"YOU shut up!" Chandler replied, knowing it was a childish thing to say.

"... So then I realised that the bimbo sitting next to him wasn’t just his

sister or whatever. She was his girlfriend."

Phoebe sighed and shook her head. Rachel had by the sound of it had a pretty

lousy night. Now she yawned.

"What do you say, Phoebs? Should we call it a night? I can get a hold of

Monica tomorrow, it’s past midnight and I’m beat!"

Phoebe nodded and agreed that going to sleep sounded pretty good. She rose

along with Rachel, and went into the kitchen for a snack before she went to

bed.

"I just can’t believe though that she’d spend an entire NIGHT with Pete

Becker after what happened!" Rachel said, talking about Monica, as she

followed Phoebe into the kitchen.

"Maybe she doesn’t remember him" Phoebe suggested. "After all, what he did

to her is what caused the amnesia." She took out some bread from a cabinet.

"And besides, did Monica ever find out who hit her? I mean, no one’s told

her who it was after the accident and I doubt she got a very good look on

the day it all happened."

Rachel shrugged her shoulders. The topic didn’t really interest her. She

felt almost numb these days, there were few things that caught her interest.

She opened the lid of a jar filled with Rieces Pieces and started to eat

from it while listening to a monologue from Phoebe about how much Monica

didn’t remember. Then Phoebe finally said something that interested her. She

asked if Rachel though Monica could find her way back to Chandler.

"Who knows?" Rachel said, and closed the lid to the jar. "I mean, I guess

that if they are meant to be then they will be together in the end. And if

they’re not then both could happen."

"What do you mean ‘both’?" Phoebe asked, buttering her bread.

"Well, let’s say they’re not meant to be. Then the odds are Chandler will

never be her boyfriend again. But there’s also a chance they’ll get together

again, but it won’t work out."

Phoebe frowned. She would like to believe that Chandler and Monica getting

back together would last forever. It was best that way.

"Don’t give me that look" Rachel said with a slight giggle. "You look like

you want to kill me for saying that."

"I just don’t see how you can think they might get back together but it

won’t work out."

"Hey, you’re talking to the expert here!" Rachel reminded her. "Ross and I

have plenty of experience with relationships not working out. And I’ve come

to the conclusion that if you try repeatedly and it doesn’t work out, then

you can’t be meant to be. And in that case the best thing would be to just

forget about it and move on. Am I right?"

"So you’re saying that Chandler and Monica will get back together and then

break up?" Phoebe asked.

"No, I’m saying Chandler and Monica MIGHT get back together and then break

up."

"And how would that happen?"

"The getting back together or the breaking up?" Rachel asked.

"Breaking up."

"Seems to me like that’s the obvious one" Rachel said. "It’s how on earth

they’d even get back together that’s beyond me."

"Rachel, come on, just answer the question!" Phoebe urged.

"Well for one thing they might not get along anymore. They might argue about

allot of stuff. Or they might have one major argument and that’s the end of

that."

"What else?"

"Well, let’s see... Monica’s all changed now, right? Say she remembers

Chandler and their relationship, and they get back together. Naturally

Chandler will assume she’s just like she used to be. But then gradually

he’ll discover that just because her memory of him is back she’s not

automatically the Monica she was before she ran out on that road. Even if

she remembers everything I don’t think she’ll be the same. This year has had

major affect on her, she couldn’t possibly be the same."

Phoebe made a face. What Rachel said made sense, but it wasn’t a truth

Phoebe was hoping for. She wanted everything back to normal, and that sure

didn’t include Monica and Chandler broken up again.

"Hey Rach, do you think that maybe... maybe they CAN work things out even if

the situation is like you just described it?"

"That’s what being meant to be is all about, isn’t it?" Rachel answered,

rising from her chair. "If Chandler and Monica are meant to be they’ll make

it through no matter what."

Phoebe looked after her as she left.

‘So which is it?’ she asked her friends in her thoughts. ‘Are you meant to

be or not?’

"I just don’t understand, could I please find out what it is you’re mad

about EXACTLY?" Monica asked, defensive and no longer crying.

"It’s that you didn’t TELL me!" Chandler yelled.

"Then why the hell do you keep bringing up the accident? If that’s what

you’re angry about then what does the miscarriage have to do with anything?"

"Because that’s how I found out I was going to be a father!" Chandler

bawled. "I didn’t know I was having a child until I lost it! And I had to

find out from a STRANGER!"

"A stranger who saved my life" Monica pointed out.

"Doesn’t matter" Chandler said. "What matters is that you left it up to him

to tell me."

"Hey, excuse me, it’s not like I planned all of it!" Monica cried. "It’s not

like I sent him an SMS message from wherever I was and told him to go tell

you!"

"Well you might as well have done just that, because it was YOUR

responsibility to tell me the minute you knew for sure!"

Chandler was furious with her. But he had to admit that it wasn’t just about

the baby. He had to, but he didn’t want to.

It wasn’t easy for Chandler to forgive her for everything she had done to

him. But he had done it anyway. But he had never been able to forget about

how she hadn’t told him he was going to be a father. Some times he had even

wondered if he WAS the father, since she never said a word about it. And now

that he finally snapped and started to argue over it he mentally got even

with her for every single moment of pain she’d caused him. He could yell at

her all he wanted over this subject, so he took it all out now.

"Why are you yelling at me over this now?" Monica asked, sitting up in bed.

"Because you weren’t exactly available for a discussion when I found out"

Chandler replied.

Monica watched him as he got out of bed and went over to the stereo, turning

it off.

"So what is it that you want me to do, huh?" Monica asked. "I can’t turn

back the hands of time and I can’t tell you anything about why I didn’t say

anything because I don’t remember."

"Sure, you hide behind that..." Chandler mumbled and got back into bed.

"Excuse me?" Monica asked.

"I don’t believe you when you say that you can’t remember" he told her,

looking straight into her eyes. "For crying out loud, you can remember

everything else! But that little detail sort of just got excluded when all

of your other memories came back, is that what I’m supposed to believe?"

"I do NOT remember everything else!" Monica said, offended. "How can you

even say that, you KNOW that I don’t!"

"Well you seem to remember everything about you and me! Back when I

suggested a pact when Ben was being born, what was my marriage cut-off age?"

"Forty" Monica replied, automatically. "Yeah, so?" she asked off his look.

"So I remember that, big deal, it doesn’t mean I remember all of the rest!"

She angrily turned her head away from him and stared on the wall instead.

‘What is the matter with him?’ she thought. ‘How dare he throw in my face

that I need to remember that one detail or else he won’t like me anymore?’

"Wow, I must say you are so mature for staring on the wall" Chandler

sarcastically said.

"Go to hell!" Monica snapped, turning back to him.

"Looks like our old friend has resurfaced." Chandler said. "Your new

personality. The one you got yourself after the coma"

"What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?" Monica yelled.

"It means that last year you would never have said something like that to me

during a fight, but after the accident occurred you’ve had no problems

whatsoever."

"So what, you think I’ve gone schizophrenic?" Monica asked, more angry.

"You might as well have, because I don’t know who you are anymore" Chandler

replied, venting all of the anger and hurt inside of him.

"Then fine!" Monica cried. "Get the hell out of here then and spend your

life with all the people who’ve stayed the same since the stone age!" Her

voice broke when she started to cry, giving up on keeping the tears back.

"It’s not my FAULT that I’m not the same anymore, I can’t be blamed for

what’s happened to me, and if you don’t get that then leave me alone! If you

can’t handle the fact that I am NOT the Monica I once was, that I’ve been

through a trauma that’s changed me, if you can’t love me during those

circumstances then get out of my life!"

"Don’t you play little Miss. Innocent with me!" Chandler bawled. "I waited

for you for over a year. I put up with your insults, your humiliations, your

accusations. I put up with taking all the crap for what you did, not only to

me but to everyone. And I did that because I loved you even though you were

so different."

"Loved?"

"Love" Chandler corrected himself.

"So then what is the problem now?" Monica asked, calming down a bit. "How

come now all of a sudden you can’t stand my new self?"

"Because you’re not who you used to be!" Chandler hissed. "Don’t play any

games with me here, I know that you remember more than you let on, and I

also know that for some reason you’re determined to stick to some of the new

sides of yourself that you’ve developed this past year."

"Fuck you!" Monica said, upset. Chandler recoiled, he’d never expected to

hear her say that, especially not to him. "If you don’t have any patience

with me and this situation then you can piss off!" she continued.

"Listen to yourself!" Chandler cried, and made a gesture with his arms.

"This is not you, you would never say these kind of things. Since when do

you tell people to piss off?"

"What would you know about it?" Monica replied, drying her tears.

"I think I know plenty" Chandler said.

"Well think again, Sherlock" Monica said. "You don’t know squad about me,

you think you do, but you obviously do not. I am NOT who I once was, and

that’s not just because of the amnesia. What do you want me to do, get down

on my knees and beg you for forgiveness for everything that I’ve done to you

this year?"

"If I would want that..." Chandler asked carefully. "Would you?"

"That’s beside the point" Monica said. "The point is that you can’t just go

about starting fights with me over things that happened such a long time

ago, and then start fighting about how I’ve acted this past year. Do you

have any IDEA how lost I’ve been ever since the accident?"

"Why do you keep hiding behind that?" Chandler asked, getting angry again.

"Stop being a coward Monica and take the blame for what you did."

"A YEAR ago!" Monica cried. "Something I did a YEAR ago! You should gave

come to me then!"

"But I COULDN’T! You were in a coma, for crying out loud! I didn’t even know

if you were ever gonna wake up again!"

"NOW who’s hiding behind the accident?" Monica asked, knowing it sounded

childish.

"Oh give it up!" Chandler moaned. "Act your age, for ONCE!"

"Oh, you think I’m a big baby, is that it?" Monica asked.

"No, but a person who’s 30 years old does not avoid confrontation by

pretending she doesn’t REMEMBER."

"Yeah. That sure did avoid confrontation" Monica said with thick sarcasm.

She reached down beside the bed and pulled up her underwear that had been

thrown there earlier that night. She put them back on under the covers as

she continued to talk.

"Chandler you are not fair, asking me to give you answers I can’t remember."

"Stop hiding from it!" Chandler yelled, returning to the original subject.

"This has NOTHING to DO with the goddamned accident, this has to do with you

being pregnant and not letting me know about it!"

"What difference does it make?" Monica yelled back. "The baby’s DEAD, I lost

it in the accident, there’s no changing that! Why I did not tell you is

irrelevant."

"Was it even MINE?" Chandler asked.

Monica stared at him for a few seconds, not believing what she was hearing.

"Get out of here!" she yelled once she got around to saying anything. "This

must have all been a mistake, you and me getting together again! You can go

to hell and stay there for eternity for EVER thinking things like that about

me!"

Chandler looked at her, and realised she was seriously hurt because he’d

thought she’d cheated, not because he’d confronted her about cheating. The

baby had been his, Monica hadn’t slept around. At least not back then.

"Take it easy" he said, calming down himself. "You haven’t exactly been

Monica Monogamous lately, so can you blame me for being unsure?"

"YES!" Monica screamed. "Yes, because me cheating on you while we were going

out is one thing, me sleeping with other men after we’d broken up is

another."

"Who said we EVER broke up?" Chandler replied.

"Oh please, didn’t you know that I wanted nothing to do with you?" Monica

sad. "I am sorry, but that’s the way it was. Up until tonight I had not a

single memory of you and me, of our history together, you were just the guy

who gave me loving looks, wanted me to remember and to act like someone I

didn’t even know that I once was, and who demanded things from me all the

time. And I’ll be completely honest with you, part of me kept a distance to

you because everyone wanted me to love you, and I didn’t want to do as

everyone expected. I wanted to do as I felt I should."

"So you felt you should try your best to push me away?" Chandler asked,

crossing his arms.

"I never said that." Monica replied. "And still this has nothing to do with

the baby. I’m sorry but I can’t give you any answers because I simply don’t

have them."

"Yeah you’ve said that, but I don’t believe you one bit" Chandler replied.

"Then you can take a hike" Monica replied and stared on the wall again.

"I know you, you WILL tell me" Chandler said firmly. "Because that’s just

who you are. Eventually you will get a grip and stop hiding behind the

accident and face what you did to me like a grown up person. I can see right

through you, you know."

"Well then I guess you knew that I won’t be letting you touch me anymore!"

Monica replied, angry and offended. "I don’t want to feel you touching me

anymore tonight. Either get your ass over to the guest room or stay far over

on your side. GOODNIGHT!"

With that Monica laid back down and turned her back on Chandler. She

couldn’t believe how he was acting, she hated him for it.

‘I just don’t get it’ she thought. ‘One minute we’re in each other’s arm,

happy, overjoyed. And the next we’re fighting like bitter enemies, accusing

each other of things and ending up sleeping with out backs against each

other. And who does he think he is, does he really think he can read me like

an open book? If he could than my pregnancy would have been obvious to him

right away.’

Monica got a familiar tune in her head. There was a song that she’d heard

once right after they left for Montauk, and that she’d been drawn too like a

bee to a flower. She couldn’t get it out of her system, and now it came back

to her, Chandler’s conviction that he knew her so well made her think of

it’s first lines.

Look at me.

You may think you see who I really am.

But you’ll never know me.

Every day.

It’s as if I play a part.

Now I see.

If I wear a mask I can fool the world.

But I cannot fool my heart.

She resisted the temptation to turn around and look at him. She knew she

would only see his back anyway. She kept her tears back, and tried not to

wonder why it had ended up this way, why she couldn’t have fallen asleep in

Chandler’s arms feeling peaceful and happy.

Despite all of the thoughts in her head, she fell asleep quite quickly. And

her last thought before she went to sleep was that she was thankful that

Chandler had stayed and not left to sleep in the guest room.

Chandler, on the other hand, could not sleep. He hadn’t slept well one night

since Monica’s accident, and now that he was laying next to her again he

still had trouble going to sleep.

‘It shouldn’t be like this’ he thought. ‘This is Monica and me, we should be

standing above fights like this. Did I have to bring up this whole pregnancy

thing?’

But in the next second he knew that he’d needed to do it. The thought of it

had struck him all of a sudden while they were resting together, and he just

couldn’t let it go. For the first time in a while he’d been completely

relaxed, and that had allowed him to really think about the past time. And

he’d realised that there had been one thing that he’d never been able to

forgive Monica of.

‘But was it worth it?’ he asked himself, laying with his back against the

woman he loved. ‘We’ve never slept with our backs against each other like

this before. All the problems we’ve had we’ve always solved before going to

sleep. It’s been a rule between us.’

Chandler decided that this wasn’t a good time to change that rule. He rolled

over and rested his cheek against his left hand. He looked down at Monica

and came close to touching her to get her attention, when he noticed she was

sleeping. He sighed.

‘Just as well, I guess...’ he thought, rolling back to where he’d been. ‘I’m

not sure this Monica will be as eager to solve all of our fights as soon as

possible as the old Monica was. Gosh, what am I thinking, there is now old

or new Monica. And she’s right about that. She can never be more than who

she is, and deep down inside she will always be the same woman, no accident

or amnesia in the world can change that.’

But as he recalled what had been said between them during their fight

earlier in the night, he started to doubt.