Part 13, the Answers
This part is dedicated to Tracey, my best
friend on the Web.
Monica sat up and rubbed her aching head.
She had fallen when she took a
wrong step, and hurt her head in the wall.
Her ankle hurt as well.
She looked around in the dark room. Theses
days she easily forgot stuff,
In addition to not remembering her past at
all, and it seemed as if the hard
hit had made her forget where she was and
what had just happened.
She rose to her feet and quickly realised
she wasn't in her apartment and
not at the hospital either. She didn't
recognize it as the beach house
either. She thought for a second if she
could be at one of her friends'
places, but quickly dismissed the idea.
She could hear someone coming up the
stairs, and a well known fear came
Over her. Not knowing who she would meet
was terrible, and it was way too
familiar. She slowly drew herself back
against the bed and hoped it was
someone she knew, not a stranger from her
past.
Chandler realized that the tape he was
listening to had allot of
post-break-up songs on it. He was listening
to "King of Wishful Thinking"
by Go West at the moment, one of the few
songs from "Pretty Woman" that he
liked, and he realized that the song before
had also been about breaking
up.
This song was nearly finished, he leaned
back and started out on the
ocean.
He'd never before felt like he knew what
songs about heart ache were
about, because he had so little experience.
Monica had been his first long-term
girlfriend. Now he felt like songs like
"King of Wishful Thinking" spoke
to him.
I'll get over you, I know I will.
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking.
And I'll tell my soul I'm over you.
'Cause I'm the king of wishful thinking.
I'm the king of wishful thinking.
I'll get over you, I know I will.
You made a hole in my heart.
But I won't shed a tear for you.
I'll be the king of wishful thinking.
I'll get over you, I know I will.
I'll pretend my heart's still beating.
'Cause I've got no more tears for you.
I am the king of wishful thinking.
Chandler sighed and leaned back. This song
especially felt like it
Described his own life. He knew his only
choice was to get over Monica, but he also
knew he would have to fool himself. There
was no way he could honestly get
over her, he would have to tell himself
that he was, in order to not go
insane.
The song tuned out and after a few seconds
of silence the other song from
"Pretty Woman" that he liked,
started to play. It was "It Must Have Been
Love", by Roxette, and Chandler was
struck by the irony that the two songs
he liked from the film, both were about
heartbreak. He returned his gaze
to the ocean.
Lay a whisper.
On my pillow.
Leave the winter.
On the ground.
I wake up lonely.
A sphere of silence.
In the bedroom.
And all around.
Touch me now.
I close my eyes.
And dream away.
It must have been love.
But it's over now.
It must have been good.
But I lost it somehow.
It must have been love.
But it's over now.
From the moment we touched.
'Till the time had run out.
Chandler kept his eyes on the ocean. He
wondered what Monica was doing.
"So I see you've gotten on the bed
already" Pete Becker said, and closed
the bedroom door.
Monica's eyes grew wide. She hadn't spoken
to Pete in so long, and still
He was there with her now. She shuddered
and rose to her feet.
He reached out a glass to her and filled it
with wine. Monica stared at
it, then at him.
"Pete, what's going on here?" she
asked.
"What do you mean?" Pete asked.
"Check this out, this is fine Rioja wine."
"So?" Monica said.
Pete smiled and set his glass and the
bottle down. He put his arms around
Monica and kissed her.
"Ouch!" he screamed, and recoiled
from her. She had bit his tongue. "What
the hell was THAT for?"
"Who the hell do you think you
are?" Monica yelled. "I'm not with you, you
idiot! You're not allowed to kiss me! I
know I came here with you, but I
didn't think I was mean to take part in
your make-out sessions!"
Pete stared at her. He couldn't make any
sense to the situation. Just a
Few minutes ago she had been willing, or so
he'd thought. Now she was
rejecting, and she was angry.
"Monica, come on now." he said,
walking closer to her.
She was acting more like before he had
dated her, and not as much as on
The beach party earlier on. But she had
been drunk that night. It gave him an
idea.
"Have another glass of wine Monica,
and I assure you that you will feel
better."
Monica stared at him. Then she threw the
wine in the glass in his face,
Then the glass itself on the bed.
She ran over to the door and searched for
the light switch. It would feel
less scary if the lights were on.
She squinted in the sudden and bright
light. Then she quickly decided to
Get out of there. She didn't think Pete
would lay a hand on her, but he had
Been in the Ultimate Fighting Championship
so she didn't want to be proven
wrong.
"Go to hell Pete" she said, and
ran down the stairs, carefully, not to
stumble in her shoes.
Chandler surely wouldn't have guessed that
Monica was running out of
Pete's beach house at the moment. He was
busy trying to repress the images his
imagination created. He hoped Monica would
know better than to get drunk
again, and he knew that if Pete did
anything sexual to her if she got
drunk, then he would not trust himself
around Pete anymore. He knew he might
loose control and take out all of his agony
on the millionaire.
He closed his eyes hard in pain, and wondered
once again why he kept
listening to songs like this one.
It must have been love.
But it's over now.
It was all that I wanted.
Now I'm living without.
It must have been love.
But it's over now.
It's where the water flows.
It's where the wind blows.
Chandler recalled that the song he'd
listened to before "King of Wishful
Thinking" had been "That's Why
you Go (Away, I Know)" by Michael Learns To
Rock, yet another ballade about broken
hearts and your loved one finding a
new. All he wanted was to shut the music
off, he didn't want to hear songs
that reminded him of what he had lost, and
how he had lost her.
Chandler had started going through each day
since the accident in his
mind, trying to figure out when he'd
exactly lost Monica, analysing every
plausible key moment into pieces. But he
couldn't make sense of it all. It
seemed so wrong. He'd started this routine
about a week earlier, and each
day he managed to think through a couple of
days, since he only thought of
the more important moments, and what he
could remember in general. Vague
memories were useless to him.
The only thing he hadn't ever thought about
was the accident itself. It
Hurt way too much to think about it, seeing
Monica just seconds after being
hit, being pulled away and taken care of by
complete strangers, having to watch
Pete Becker sit there in his car. The
accident only entered his mind while
he was sleeping. That lead to numerous
nightmares, and the last time he'd
had a good nights sleep was the weekend
before the accident, something
that lead to him being constantly tired.
"It Must have Been Love" faded
out, and another song by a Swede started to
play after a few seconds of silence. Eric
Gadd's "Summer is Here".
Monica ran out of Pete's house and hurried
down to the shoreline. She
stopped for long enough to take her high
hells off, then she began to run.
She felt as if she had a large amount of
build-up energy that she wanted
To release, and she did so by racing along
the surf.
She felt free and relieved. She didn't know
exactly when it had happened,
but somewhere during the past evening
something had clicked inside of her.
She was no longer afraid or bitter, she had
all of a sudden accepted the
cruel twist of fate that had chosen her
destiny. She had struggled against
it for so long but not anymore. She knew
that there was no way to change
fate. She also knew that trying to battle
it, as she had before, only made
her miserable.
She continued to run in the direction of
the beach house, feeling so
Filled with joy that she wanted to share
the emotion with Phoebe, her best
friend.
She felt so full of happiness and youth,
she felt as if she'd finally
Found the last, missing piece of a puzzle
and that now she could move on. She
didn't even bother if she would remember
her past again, she only knew
that she didn't want to waste the rest of
her life trying to fight it.
About ten minutes after she'd left Pete
Becker's house she reached the
Beach house that belonged to Phoebe Abbot.
She stopped and put her shoes back
on, then she slowly walked up to the house
from the surf.
She thought she saw someone sitting on the
porch, but she wasn't sure. It
was dark, and it could just be her eyes
playing her a trick. The plausible
person didn't move. She could hear music.
Was I ever worried?
Did I ever care?
And now I am sorry.
'Cause those questions should not even be
there.
She ran up the few steps on the porch, and
tripped in her high heels when
she reached the top one. A pair of strong
arms caught her in the fall, and
she looked right up into a pair of
concerned, warm eyes, and she felt
something click.
"Chandler!" she whispered as he
helped her to her feet. She flew in his
arms, thrilled to see him but at the same
time afraid.
Chandler shuddered, unsure of what to make
of the situation. All he wanted
was to hold her close, but he couldn't
allow himself to be set up for
another one of her tricks.
Monica broke the hug and stared at him. She
had found the trigger she
Needed to her memory, and it was a silly
thing when she thought about it. He had
caught her in her fall, and when he'd done
so she'd remembered his voice
saying 'if you ever fall I will catch you'.
He had said it to her once
when they were hugging each other after sex
and when she remembered that
everything else had come back to her.
Now that she looked into his eyes she felt
fear come over her. His eyes
Were so filled with heartache and pain, and
she knew she was the cause of that.
She had let him down completely, there was
no way to ever compensate the
pain and hurting she'd caused him.
Chandler didn't know what to think. He saw
a plead for forgiveness and
understanding in her eyes, but he didn't
dare to trust it.
"Chandler." she said as he backed
away from her, saying his name in a way
that had been so familiar more than a year
ago but that now only was a
distant memory of the happiest time of his
life.
"Damn it Monica, what do you
want?" he asked. "Is this just another
trick?"
Monica didn't know what to say. There
weren't any words that could soothe
him and take away the pain she'd caused
him. The worst part was that she
knew he loved her more than anything else
in the world, or he had, for
otherwise the pain would have been easier,
not this intense.
Chandler saw her eyes tear, and he also saw
something that confused him.
The look in her eyes was so unfamiliar to
him now, but it had not always been.
It was the eyes of the old Monica, not the
new one.
He reached out his hand, but quickly let it
fall again. He remembered very
vividly how she had told him that she
thought that you could never forget
the greatest love of all.
'The greatest love you'll never know' he
thought as he looked into her
eyes.
He couldn't break the gaze, he needed the
contact.
Monica didn't know what to do or what to
say. She wanted to tell him
everything was just fine, but that was far
from the truth. She had burned
the bridges.
"Summer is Here" had ended,
"Killing me Softly" was playing instead.
'Ironic' Monica thought. 'That must have
been what I've done to him. I
might even have killed his soul this past
year, can I live with myself if that's
what I have done?'
Chandler saw something else in her eyes
now. Regret and realisation. But
Was it for real? He looked deeper into her
eyes and only saw what he had seen
when he knew she loved him.
"Monica, you. is it really. I
can." he stuttered. Then he sighed. "Monica
don't do this to me again, please don't,
please don't set me up again for
one of your tests, I can't TAKE it, please
I BEG you just. just leave me
alone."
He had backed away further while he talked.
Monica slowly walked closer,
And was now standing right in front of him.
Chandler eyed her carefully, trying to come
up with something to say, some
way to test her.
"Oh baby I'm so sorry!" she said
with tears running down her face, and
hugged him again. And that was all the
proof Chandler needed.
"Oh Mon, it IS you!" he said, and
hugged her back, desperately clutching
her. "Oh my gosh, it's really
you."
"Sweetie?" Monica said. "I
can't breathe."
Chandler smiled and easened his embrace.
Then the smile died when he saw
The look on Monica's face.
Monica slowly backed away from him and
shook her head.
"I am so, so sorry Chandler. I know
you've suffered, and I know I'm the
reason."
Her voice was barely more than a whisper.
She held her hand to her heart
And didn't bother to try and repress the
pain. She felt like she deserved it,
how much pain just like that hadn't she
given him?
She turned away from him and took her shoes
off. She knew for sure that he
was the best man she would ever meet. No
one else would have given her a
hug like that even though the pain was so
intense. She had lost him now, she
didn't deserve him. She wondered if she
ever had. People had always said
that she was out of his league, but the
truth was he was way out of hers.
"Monica, what." Chandler said,
walking closer.
She turned and looked right into his eyes,
tears falling down her cheeks
still. Chandler reached out a hand and
dried a few off. She ceased to cry,
the gesture having a calming affect on her.
"Chandler I don't expect you to
forgive me" Monica said, breaking the gaze
to look down on her hands instead. "I
don't expect you to love me. But I
just want you to know that. that I know
what I said to you about
forgetting the one you love." She
looked into his eyes again. "But I was wrong. I
have never loved like when I was with you.
I want everything that's good in the
world for you." She looked back down
on her hands. "Unfortunately that
doesn't include me."
Chandler stared at her. He couldn't believe
she would deny him now. Not
after everything he had been through.
It was true that he had suffered enormously
thanks to her, but the reason
why it had happened repeatedly was that he
hadn't been willing to let go
of the hope. He had waited for this moment
for so long, he had known that it
might never come but he hadn't been willing
to let it go. And now that the
moment was upon him, she was pushing him
away.
"Monica don't you DARE do this to
me!" he said, afraid of loosing her when
he'd just gotten her back.
"I am so sorry, I love you so
painfully much, all I want is to."
She quieted and bit her bottom lip. She had
no intention of forcing him to
feel like he would have to stay with her.
She knew she owed him freedom.
She knew she owed him to get to hate her
and she was willing to leave New York
forever if that was what he wanted.
Anything he wanted would be his, as
long as it was something she could fix. His
happiness was her main priority
now,
after all she was the one who wrecked it in
the first place.
Chandler eyed her. He had noticed her
choice of words, and he was sure
That 'painfully' meant 'against her will'.
He sighed and turned away from her,
walking to the other end of the porch and
turning off the tape recorder.
"Chandler?" he could hear her
say. "Anything. I will give you anything.
Anything at all that can make up for what I
have done to you. I have never
been more sorry for anything in my life.
And that's the truth."
Chandler turned and looked at her. Honesty
and respect for him shone in
Her eyes and he started to wonder what her
hidden message was. Did she want to
be with him or not?
"Can I ask you a question, Mon?"
he said.
Monica nodded.
"What do YOU want?"
"Me?"
"Yes, you. I need to know. And after
one year of only doubts, agony and
questions, I think I deserve a truthful
answer."
Monica had first thought of lying to him,
scared of trapping him. But she
realised he was right. And if he wanted the
truth she would give it to
him.
"I. want to be with you" she
said, and noticed that he looked surprised.
She sat down on the chair and moved her
gaze from her hands to Chandler, and
back again, over and over as she continued.
"I know it sounds absurd, I mean, how
can I even ask for that, huh? After
all you've done for me and gotten so little
back, after all the support
and understanding I have found in you that
I have simply pushed away and then
used to hurt you." She sighed.
"But I never meant to intentionally hurt
you Chandler, you have to believe me when I
say that. I sometimes wished I
could but there was always something that
kept me from doing so. Maybe it was
the trace of my love for you, I don't
know." She sighed again and shrugged her
shoulders. "But it doesn't matter
anyhow, right? I mean, I managed to hurt
you pretty much anyway, and after the
incident where we kissed and
everything, I didn't really feel bad when I
saw you getting hurt. Earlier
on I had always felt bad deep inside,
but."
"Monica," Chandler said when she
had been quiet for a few seconds, "are
you trying to tell me you weren't out to
hurt me?"
Monica closed her eyes in pain of the
memory, and of the realisation that
He thought she wanted to hurt him
intentionally.
"No honey, I NEVER wanted to hurt you,
that was never my goal. I wanted to
test you, I had no recollection of if your
lust for me was purely physical
or if it went deeper! You have to remember
Chandler, that I could not
remember anything about us, but I had a
weird hunch that I know now came
from the time when we just slept together,
when sex was all our
relationship was based on."
"But do you remember now?"
Chandler asked.
"Yes" she whispered, he barely
heard her. She rose from the chair. "And
now I will always have to live with myself
for causing you so much heartache.
You know, earlier on tonight I felt so free
and independent because I just
knew that I had come to terms with things.
I all of a sudden knew better
than to question and challenge my destiny.
Now all of that emotion is
gone.
Accept is what I'll have to do, but hate
myself forever is another thing I
will do." She took a step towards him.
"Maybe it's because I hit my head
earlier on tonight, maybe that made me.
wake up and realise what I can't
deny any longer. This is my life now, and I
can't change that anymore than
I can change what happened to me that day
at the road." She paused for a
bit.
"But you got your scars that day too,
and I only made them worse. Some
girlfriend, huh?"
Chandler shuddered when she said he had
gotten scars too. He'd thought the
almost exact same thing himself once.
"So just." Monica said,
continuing her small speech. "Just walk away
Chandler. I can't force you to stay with
me, I LOVE you, more than you can
ever realise. But sometimes loving means
letting go."
Chandler looked into her eyes again. She
had walked closer and was now
standing right in front of him. And her
saying goodbye had made him
remember a thought he'd had so many times.
'All she needs to do is say she's sorry' he
thought. And she had done that
and so much more. She had taken
responsibility for her actions, actions
that he didn't think she could be blamed
for. That would be like taking
responsibility for someone else.
He looked at her more closely. He loved her
so much he could die for her,
and he now knew she loved him just as much.
The pain shone in her eyes,
but she was much stronger than he had been,
she was willing to let him go if
only that was what he wanted. His happiness
came first. He had not been
that generous with her.
He slowly lingered his arms around her as
he quoted a line from her
favourite song.
"I know this love's forever." he
said softly. "That's all that matters now
no matter what."
Monica felt like she flooded with love for
him, she knew instantly that he
had forgiven her. Chandler reached down and
kissed her, softly and
tenderly at first. Then she opened her
mouth a little, and he turned it into a
French kiss that build with passion for
every second.
He was so afraid in that moment. Afraid he
would suddenly wake up to the
sound of her voice coming home, being mad
or annoyed with him for some
reason. He didn't dare to believe that he
had gotten his Monica back.
"Oh my Monica." he whispered in
her hair, and rocked her back and forth.
"I love you so."
"I love you, and I don't ever want to
loose you again." she whispered back
and kissed him once again, not ever wanting
the moment to end.
They remained out on the porch for a long
time, then Chandler went inside
and called for a cab. They had quickly
decided they wanted to go back
home.
"I've been away from home long
enough" Monica had said. "Plus, this will
be our first night together for so long, we
should spend it at home".
Chandler had smiled and agreed, then he'd
gone upstairs to fill one of her
bags with half hers and half his stuff. The
other things he left for the
rest to take home.
Monica took his hand when the cab arrived.
She felt so filled with joy and
she could not believe the incredible luck
she'd had. And she was more sure
than ever that they were meant to be. Not
even an amnesia and adultery had
been able to keep them apart for more than
a year. And she also knew from
the day of the accident, that their love
was stronger than death. She had
loved him in the dead.
She looked up and saw Phoebe sitting by the
window in Joey's room. She
smiled and waved at her friend, before
getting in the cab with the man
that she loved.