Part 11, the Questions
Chandler noticed a new, cold attitude from
Phoebe. And at the same time he
noticed that Phoebe had somehow gotten
closer to Monica. Bitterly he
thought that Monica was trying to turn
everyone against him.
He was seated in the living room, writing
in a small book. Once the pages
had been filled with Monica's dainty hand
writing, now it was Chandler's.
He'd taken over the story.
He looked up as Ross and Rachel entered.
Ross was apparently furious.
"Rachel, you CAN'T tell a woman I've
only gone on three dates with that
I've been married three times, last time to
you!"
"Why not?" Rachel said, not
getting it.
"Because that is something that _I_
should tell her, not you!"
Ross looked up and saw Chandler.
"Go ahead, argue." Chandler said,
rising. "I'll be out on taking a walk."
"So what's your excuse?" Ross
asked once Chandler was gone.
"I don't need a stupid excuse, I just
told her you and I had been married,
what's the big deal?"
"The big deal is that at the same time
you told her I'd been married twice
before, that I have a son and that I said
the wrong name at the altar
once."
"Not a big deal, Ross" Rachel
said.
"Okay, fine!"
Ross stormed past her and grabbed the
phone.
"What are you doing?" Rachel
nervously asked.
"I'm making a phone call,
goodbye!"
Ross walked into his room with the phone.
Rachel watched him go, and
wondered what was up.
Five minutes later Ross exited his bedroom,
holding out the phone for
Rachel.
"It's for you" he said.
"I never heard it ring" Rachel
said.
"It didn't. It's Don, he and I just
had a little conversation."
Rachel's eyes grew wide.
"About what?"
"Oh, just about stuff that aren't big
deals."
He handed her the phone.
Thirty minutes later Rachel ran into Monica
upstairs. Monica was dressing
for a date. Rachel didn't really know if
she could talk to Monica about
this, but there was nobody else around, except
for Ross.
"Well, guess what Mon?"
"We've landed on the moon?"
Monica asked, putting on earrings.
"No, that was ages ago."
Monica spun around to look at Rachel,
sighing.
"Yes I know that, I was making a
joke."
"Well Don broke up with me."
"He did?"
"Yeah."
Rachel sat down on Monica's bed and waited
for her to ask why. Monica said
nothing.
"And it's all your stupid brother's
fault!" Rachel said, hoping to get a
few words out of Monica.
"Sounds like you're blaming anyone
else but yourself" was Monica's
comment.
"Excuse me?"
Rachel felt offended.
"I'll let you know Mon, that just
'cause I told Ma. Ma. what's her name?"
"It's Maxine" Monica said, yawned
and put the gold necklace with a small
heart hanging from it around her neck.
"Right. Maxine. I told her about how
Ross and I were married and so Ross
told that and something else I don't know
what it was to Don over the
phone.
So Don broke up with me."
"As I said, it was your fault."
"Monica!" Rachel shrieked.
"Come on, be on my side here, huh?"
"Don't think so." Monica said,
rose and walked over to the closet.
"Why not?" Rachel asked.
"No, doesn't matter. I don't care. I'm gonna go
get Ross to break up with Maxine, she's not
good for him!"
Monica spun around and eyed Rachel.
"Can't you hear how you sound?"
Monica asked.
"What?" Rachel asked back.
That night Chandler sat out on the porch,
staring into the dark sky.
"So what's your excuse for trying to
bring on an pneumonia?" Phoebe asked,
walking up to him.
"I thought you didn't speak to
me." Chandler replied.
"I speak to you." Phoebe said.
"And if you think I don't then maybe that's
'cause you don't listen."
"Fair enough."
Phoebe watched him for a couple of seconds.
Although she was mad at him
She didn't want him to get sick or
anything. But she clearly new that if there
was anymore trouble between him and Monica,
she would be on Monica's side.
She was more or less the only confidante
Monica had, and she didn't want
Her friend to loose that. Not now when
she'd finally had a breakthrough.
"So how come you're out here?"
she asked.
"No reason, really. I went out for a
walk, and when I came back I couldn't
find anyone except for Ross and Rachel, who
were arguing. Monica's out on
a date, you've just come home and Joey's
out finding a bed to warm."
Phoebe sighed. It didn't look like she was
going to find any pleasant
company this evening.
"Are you just gonna sit here
forever?" she asked.
"Yeah. Or maybe I'll go
swimming."
"In the middle of the night? Chandler
there could be sharks!"
"I know" Chandler replied.
"If I'm lucky I'll run into them."
Phoebe shuddered at his words, and hoped he
was sarcastic.
"Well. have fun." she said, not
knowing what else to tell him. "I think
I'll just go out and see if I can join Joey
at some club or whatever. See you
later."
She then left.
Rachel and Ross had been arguing for about
ten minutes. Rachel was mad at
Ross, but he was just as mad at her. And
she kept remembering some of the
things Monica had told her earlier that
day.
Monica had ended up getting furious with
her, and that apparently was a
Good thing for her, since she'd remembered
allot of details whilst yelling. It
was not as good for Rachel, though, who got
to hear exactly what her old
friend thought and felt.
"How come you hate Ross so much?"
Monica had asked her.
"I don't hate him!" Rachel had
defended herself.
"No? Then how come you keep doing this
to him?"
Rachel looked at Ross, who was about as mad
with her as his sister had
Been earlier.
"What's the matter with you
Rach?" he yelled. "This was a girl I really
liked, and you just couldn't help but ruin
it."
Rachel glared at him.
"Let me see here, I think I remember
YOU ruining things for Don and me!"
"Okay, I admit that" Ross said.
"But on the other hand, you've ruined
affairs for me a dozen times."
Rachel shuddered. Monica had said a similar
thing, seeming to remember
More and more the more she yelled.
"You broke him and Julie up, you
happily caused him to cheat on her!"
Monica had said. "And the same thing
when he was dating Bonnie! But when you two
were dating the world's greatest sin was to
cheat on you. And when he
started going out with Emily you were okay
with it, but then you became
single yourself and all of a sudden Emily
was the worst person in the
world
for Ross. Didn't you have something to do
with ruining his wedding day?
And as soon as Ross has been single again,
you've dumped him!"
"Rach, hello?" Ross asked,
snapping his fingers in front of Rachel.
"Oh, sorry!" Rachel said,
returning to the fight she was currently in.
"You know, you just keep getting
weirder and weirder." Ross said.
Outside, Chandler was staring blankly on
the sea. The radio next to him
Was now playing a song by the Beatles. It
was getting colder, but he didn't
notice. He tried not to think of the fact
that Monica hadn't seemed to
have missed him at all, each night when he
returned from the city. He wondered
if she'd even notice if he decided to stay
in Manhattan until his work was
finished.
The Beatles song ended, and Chandler
noticed that he didn't recognize the
next song played. He sighed, felt sick of
listening to music he didn't
even like. He leaned over and placed one of
the tapes lying next to the radio
in the tape recorder, and pressed 'play'.
Guns N' Roses's "November Rain"
filled his ears, and he leaned back with a
sigh.
At the same time, Monica arrived with her
date for the evening. They
stumbled down on the beach, laughing
hysterically.
'My gosh, is she drunk?' Chandler thought.
He hadn't seen her drunk even
once since the accident.
But Monica was not drunk. She'd had only
one drink to dinner, but she felt
almost drunk. She hadn't laughed like that
for months. She kicked off her
shoes and raced down to the shoreline, her
date, Jake, following soon
behind.
Monica leaned in and whispered something in
his ear. Jake nodded and they
started to laugh again. Monica took his
hand and continued down towards
the shoreline, stopping about 35 feet from
the surf.
Chandler carefully eyed them from his chair
on the porch. "November Rain"
still played in the background, Axl Rose
had now begun to sing.
When I look into your eyes.
I can see a love restrained.
But darling when I hold you.
Don't you know I feel the same?
'Cause nothing lasts forever.
And we both know odds can change.
And it's hard to hold the candle.
In the cold November rain.
We've been through this such a long, long
time.
Just trying to kill the pain.
But lovers always come and lovers always
go.
And no one's really sure who's letting to
today.
Walking away.
If we could take the time to lay it on the
line.
I could rest my head.
Just knowing that you were mine.
All mine.
So if you want to love me.
Then darling don't refrain.
Or I'll just end up walking.
In the cold November rain.
Do you need some time. on your own.
Do you need some time. all alone.
Everybody needs some time. on their own.
Don't you know you need some time. all
alone.
I know it's hard to keep an open heart.
When even friends seem out to harm you.
But if you could heal the broken heart.
Wouldn't time be out to charm you.
Chandler saw while listening to Axl Rose
sing, how Jake took out a blanket
from a sac he was carrying. He laid it on
the sand, for him and Monica to
sit on. The next thing that Chandler
noticed was that Monica didn't SIT
down on the blanket. She LAY down. Next to
Jake. Monica and Jake started to
make out about at the same time as the
instrumental bit played. Chandler closed
his eyes. He didn't want to see.
The instrumental verse was long, and
Chandler couldn't keep from opening
His eyes again before it was over. He
wished he hadn't. The couple on the
blanket were really getting into it, the
kisses got deeper and deeper with
every second.
'It should be me that she kisses like
that.' Chandler thought. 'It's
supposed to be me. Why can't Monica see
that?'
Sometimes I need some time. on my own.
Sometimes I need some time. all alone.
Everybody needs some time. on their own.
Don't you know you need some time. all
alone.
The next instrumental verse was not as
long. And this time Monica sat up
For some reason, and started talking.
Chandler could see Jake answer her, and
Monica laughed at Jake's comment. Chandler
didn't want to know what he had
said.
'I used to make you laugh.' he thought.
'Now you won't even let me give
you that.'
And when your fear subside.
And shadows still remain.
I know that you can love me.
When there's no one left to blame.
So never mind the darkness.
We still can find a way.
Nothing lasts forever.
Even cold November rain.
While listening to the verse, Chandler
closed his eyes in pain. It came
Over him like a tide wave, he knew he was
in no way strong enough to loose
Monica, to let her go. But he was powerless
to stop her from making out
With other men on the beach. And Joey was
right, he would forgive her whatever
she did, he had even forgiven her the evil
trick she'd played on him
earlier on. He could forgive her
everything, there was only one exception to that
rule.
As the song started to cling off he noticed
Monica and Jake getting to
Their feet, and kissing for a while,
standing up.
He noticed that it was the long version of
the song, and as the song faded
up again he saw Monica and Jake head down
for the water. He remembered his
thoughts earlier on, and he also remembered
the opening scene from "Jaws".
There was no way he was going to let Monica
into the water at night time,
especially not when she might be drunk.
He rose and hurried down the porch steps.
Don't ya' think that you need somebody.
Don't ya' think that you need someone.
Everybody needs someone.
You're not the only one.
You're not the only one.
Chandler felt angry now. She was acting
irresponsible, and she was acting
immature. He hurried over to her and Jake,
and noticed that she was in the
middle of unbuttoning her shirt.
"Chandler!" she exclaimed when
she saw him. Then her eyes went dark. "What
are you doing here, go away!"
Chandler didn't listen. He grabbed her by
the arm, almost brutally.
"What are you DOING? You're gonna
bruise my arm!" Monica yelped.
"Hey dude, what the hell do you think
you're doing?" Jake said, apparently
eager to play the role of the knight in
shining armour.
"This is my 'friend'" Monica
said, with despise in her tone. "And he's got
certain issues."
Chandler completely ignored her angry tone,
and her attempts to squirm out
of his hold. He turned to Jake.
"You. Take a hike. Leave. Beat it. You
understand?"
"I think YOU should take a hike and
beat it" Jake replied. "Now let her
go!"
"Sorry" Chandler hissed.
"But my girlfriend and I have a few things to
talk about."
He didn't even reflect upon the fact that
he called her his girlfriend.
Monica did though, she stopped squirming
and stared at him, obviously
displeased.
"What in the--" she began, but
Jake clearly believed Chandler, he had such
a force in his eyes that Jake didn't date
not to. He'd already turned and
left.
"See now what you did?" Monica
yelled at Chandler. "What the hell is the
MATTER with you?"
Chandler didn't reply. He dragged her with
him back to the house.
Rachel and Ross were still fighting, but
Rachel had lost the spark in her
arguments. She felt like it was too much to
hear Ross's arguments, they
were so much like the ones his sister had
said earlier on, only Monica had been
more direct and more clear. Ross was mostly
going on and on about how
Rachel had ruined his marriage with Emily,
and Monica hadn't talked too much
About that.
"Ross, give it up!" Rachel
sighed, wanting to take the fight to another
course than weather or not she was
responsible for breaking him and Emily
up.
"Rach." Ross said, calming down a
bit. "Do you even know what you want? Do
you even want to be with me? Or is it just
your idea of the world, that
you can be happy and I can't?"
"I. don't think that's really
fare" Rachel muttered.
"Oh don't YOU talk about fare!"
Ross hissed at her. "Did you know that I
would have lived a very happy life if
Monica had thrown you out when you
decided to move in with her?"
Rachel recoiled. He was going too far now.
She could not be blamed for his
life being screwed up.
"That is NOT true, how can you even
SAY that?" she cried, feeling the
tears coming.
"I would have been happy! With Julie,
Bonnie, Emily or someone else!"
"Hey, if it weren't for me you
wouldn't even have MET Emily!" Rachel
screamed. "And if you hadn't been so
obsessed with the idea of getting
married, you two would probably have been
together now, possibly even
married!"
Ross looked at her. Her arguments were
thin, but she was part right. He
couldn't blame everything on her, but he
could blame her for allot.
"Rachel. Do you even want to be with
me?" he asked her again. "Did you
EVER want to be with me? For who I AM, not
just because I was a person you
couldn't have, 'cause I was with
Julie."
"Yes, I DID want to be with you"
she said, knowing it wasn't really true.
She wasn't even in love with Ross when they
got together. She liked him a
bit, because she knew he liked her. And it
was a challenge to get him when
he was dating Julie. She had realized soon
after he broke up with Julie
that she wasn't feeling enough for him to
date him. And that's why she allowed
herself to get so upset over the list he'd
written. It was an easy way
out.
But when she'd seen what he'd almost done
for her on her prom night, she'd
decided to give him a chance. And with time
she had fallen for him, and
loved him. And she had missed him after
they broke up. But she had been
refusing to admit it, even to herself, that
she didn't know anymore if she
wanted to be with him, or if she just
didn't want him to be happy with
someone.
The new person that Monica was had seen
right through her, though. She
didn't have any recollection of hanging out
with Rachel for years, so she
had nothing that kept her from seeing the
truth. And she had told Rachel
exactly what she'd felt and thought.
"You are such a two-faced bitch
sometimes, do you know that?" she'd said.
"You gladly get Ross to cheat on women
left and right, but when it comes
to you then god help the person who cheats.
I think you should have let the
whole Ross-sleeping-with-someone-else thing
go by, because you've
encouraged
him to cheat before!"
"Monica?" Rachel had asked.
"How come you know all of that?"
Monica had shrugged her shoulders and then
continued to yell. Rachel had
tried to fake-cry to get some sympathy, but
Monica had seen right through
that too.
"Okay, here's the deal Rach" Ross
said, bringing Rachel's attention back
to the present. "If you want to be
with me. then okay. We can be together.
And if you don't then we won't be together."
"What, just like that?" Rachel
asked.
"Yes, it doesn't have to be any harder
than we make it" Ross said, now
calm.
"Look." he continued. "I
know we've had our ups and downs, our ons and
offs.
And I never thought it could be as simple
for us as a simple yes or no.
But it is. Look at Monica and Chandler.
Look at what's happened with them.
Chandler adores my sister, and beyond this
amnesia thing I'm sure she
Loves him too. But they can never make it
work again, Monica has changed too
much." He paused and walked closer to
Rachel. "Compared to that, have we
ever had any problems? I know I slept with
Chloe, but don't you think
you've paid me back? You ruined my
marriage, for crying out loud! And you've
ruined other relationships for me as well.
Rachel, what I did to you that night
has been cancelled out about ten times
already. So now all that's left is a
simple question. Do you want to be with me
or not?"
Rachel looked at him. She wanted to say
yes, but she couldn't. She wasn't
sure if this was the man she wanted to
spend her life with. Deep down
inside, he was still just Monica's geeky
older brother to her.
"Sorry" she whispered, shaking
her head. "I just. Well, with this whole
thing with Don. I just. I don't think I'm
ready to just throw myself into
another relationship."
"Do you want to be with me or
not?" Ross repeated, a bit more forcefully.
"No" Rachel whispered, and hoped
he could read in her eyes that she wasn't
sure. That she needed time to think. But
she just felt like she couldn't
say it.
She remembered how the fight with Monica
had ended. Rachel had quietly
started to cry for real, and Monica had
noticed it. She'd walked up to
Rachel and put an arm around her shoulders,
comforting her.
"Remember one thing Rach." she'd
said. "If you love my brother than
everything is going to work out okay. If
you were meant to be there is
nothing that can keep you apart for a
longer time."
'Like you and Chandler' Rachel had come
close to answering. But instead
she'd given Monica a hug and left.
Now that she was looking into Ross's eyes,
she thought about those words
from his sister. Was she meant to be with
Ross? Was is supposed to feel
this way if she was?
She had always thought Monica and Chandler
had been a wonderful couple,
And now it struck her that she'd also
thought of them as meant to be. There
Was a love that shone in their eyes
whenever they looked at each other, or
Spoke of each other. Had she ever had that
love in her eyes with Ross? Had the
mere mentioning of his name caused her to
light up? Had she ever felt for
him what Monica and Chandler felt for each
other?
Then she wondered if she and Ross had
really been that great. They always
fought. The only real difference between
when they were together and after
they'd broken up, was that the fights never
really ended, there was more
hurt, and they didn't sleep together. That
was the only larger differences
she could think of.
"Ross, I don't know" she said
low, looking into his eyes still. "What do
YOU want?"
"I'm not sure what I feel for you
anymore" Ross answered. "I've realized
since we broke up that I can hate you just
as much as I can love you. But
I'm willing to give us one more try. I'm
willing to find out if we can
Make it work, if we can be together for the
rest of our lives. I know we would
fight, but we do that either way, so I'm
willing to try. It's all up to
you."
"I can't" Rachel said low, almost
whispering. "I'm so sorry, but right now
I just can't."
She walked away from him. His voice stopped
her when she reached the door.
"Hey Rach!"
Rachel turned and looked into his eyes
again.
"This was your last chance. Never
more. We won't be together again."
With that ringing in her ears, she left his
bedroom and headed for her
own.
And she knew he had told her the truth.
Never again means never again.
Their rocky relationship had finally
reached it's end. For good this time.
"Let GO of me, you can't DO this, let
me BE!" Monica yelled as Chandler
dragged her towards the house.
He ignored her completely and ascended up
the porch stairs and shut of the
music as he passed by the radio. Then he
dragged her inside.
"Chandler stop it, what the hell is
the MATTER with you?" Monica cried,
but Chandler didn't make a face.
"Come on now, why did you do that for?
What, is it some sort of sick game
you play, trying to keep me from having
fun?"
Monica continued to yell at him as they passed
the kitchen and he lead her
angrily towards the stairs. But it was just
as if he couldn't hear a
single word she was saying. He had decided
not to get into another fight with
her,
so he thought it was best to pretend as if
he didn't care about what she
was saying.
"Chandler you are hurting me, LET ME
GP!" Monica continued, trying to
squirm out of his grip but not succeeding.
"Who the hell do you think you are?
You can't DO this to me, leave me ALONE!
Okay, you are letting me go RIGHT
NOW!"
Chandler was leading her forcefully towards
the stairs, clinging his
teeth.
"Let me go, who do you think you
are?"
'Someone who cares so much about you'
Chandler thought, but he kept his
mouth shut. He let go of her arm though,
and she instantly started rubbing
it. Chandler placed a hand on her shoulder
and wanted to try and calm her
down a bit.
"This is practically KIDNAPPING, you
are denying me the right to do what I
wish, let me go, let me GO! And get out of
my way, you're blocking the
stairs!"
'Shut up' Chandler thought. 'Shut up or
Ross and Rachel might hear you!'
"I really hate you for not letting me
live my own life, let GO of me, I am
NOT yours to decide over. Haven't you
realized that I've DUMPED you?"
'That's it, I won't take no more of this!'
Chandler thought. He quickly
removed his hand from her shoulder and
started to climb the stairs. But
apparently Monica wasn't finished yelling.
She followed him up the stairs.
"I don't know what the hell is wrong
with you!" she said. "All I ever hear
is 'Monica, you're so different. Monica do
you remember anything? Monica
stop acting the way you do. Monica what's
happened to you?'. When are you
gonna let it sink in to your idiot brain
that this is who I AM now? You
can't chance me at your wish, you can't
control me, I'm NOT your
marionette!"
By now they'd reached the top of the
stairs. Monica still had allot of
things left to say.
"And you are PATHETIC to think I would
love you, when you showed me
earlier on that all your after is a few
hours of sex!"
Monica saw instantly that she'd hit right
on target. Chandler had stopped
when she'd spoken, and she could tell just
by looking at his shoulders and
his hands that he was clenched. Monica
smiled victoriously and crossed her
arms.
"Yeah, that's what this is all about,
isn't it?" she smiled, with an evil
tone. "That's what it's all about, you
think I still love you. Don't you?"
Chandler said nothing. He didn't even turn
to look at her. He'd reacted
And she'd noticed.
The worst part was that she was right. He
did think she loved him, deep
Down inside. And he had begun to wonder if
she was consciously controlling
weather or not she would recover from her
amnesia, controlling it so that
she could use it as an excuse. As long as
she had the amnesia she wouldn't
have to face what she'd done, how she'd
acted. She wouldn't have to beg
for forgiveness, even though Chandler knew
that one simple 'I'm sorry' would
be enough.
"Oh my gosh," Monica laughed,
"you seriously believe I love you." She
continued to laugh slightly for a few
seconds and then she continued,
sounding amused. "You know, you are so
self secure. And self involved. I
don't even think YOU love ME! And as far as
me loving YOU goes." She shook
her head, and all of a sudden became
serious. "You know I can't remember
you. You know that as far as I'm concerned,
you're just some slime ball
who might have been just looking out for me
at first, who maybe just cared and
that was it. But I know that now you don't
care about my mind or soul, you
just care about getting my body, preferably
in a bed."
'I must be some sort of masochist,'
Chandler thought, 'for continuing to
listen to this. For not leaving. My gosh,
does she have any idea how much
she's hurting me right now?'
But if Monica knew, she didn't care. She
wasn't through talking now
either.
"You all tell me I loved you before.
That you were the love of my life, or
something like that. And you believe that?
Yes, of course you do. You know
what though.?" Monica sighed and
sounded sad all of a sudden. "I have no
memory whatsoever of loving you. I'm sorry
Chandler, but I don't. To me,
you've never been a person I've been in
love with. And you know what I
think?"
"_I_ think I've heard enough of your
thoughts" Chandler said, but he
didn't turn around to look at her.
"Watch it, don't get me angry
again!" Monica said warningly, and held up a
warning finger, even though he couldn't see
it.
"Just tell me whatever the hell it is
you feel like laying on me, and then
I can go back to my room and forget I ever
bothered to care about you"
Chandler said, wondering if the words would
hurt her. He both hoped they
would and that she wouldn't be hurt. He
wanted to pay her back for all
she'd put him through, but at the same time
he didn't want her to suffer
anymore.
She'd had her fare share.
"Monica are you mad at me for not
being the one who was in that accident?"
he asked out of the blue, as the thought
came over him.
"I'm confused" Monica said.
"Who the hell was talking about the damn
accident?"
"_I_ was!" Chandler informed her,
turning around to face her.
"And once again it is ALL about
you!" Monica hissed. "Get real Chandler, I
don't care what the hell you did the day I
was in the accident! As long as
you weren't the one who hit me, you could
have been short-sheeting the
Dalai Lama for all I care!"
Chandler watched her for a second. He'd
just thought he'd found the answer
to her angry behaviour towards him, that
she was mad at him deep inside
for being totally okay after crossing the
road that day, while she ended up
nearly dead and then with amnesia. But the
look on her face and the
honesty in her voice told him he was on the
wrong track. Again.
"Sorry Mon" he muttered.
"Yeah, 'sorry Mon', I guess that makes
up for destroying my evening"
Monica sarcastically said.
'And what about all you've destroyed for
me?' Chandler asked her in his
thoughts. But he felt afraid to say what he
was thinking of to the Monica
in front of him. The new Monica, the weird
Monica. The Monica who apparently
didn't see how anyone could love him.
"Is there more, or can I go on?"
Monica asked, annoyed.
"Go right ahead and yell at me"
Chandler sarcastically replied.
"I hate sarcastic men" Monica
hissed back. "But that's not what I was
going to say. What I was going to say, was
that if I should believe all of you
guys, I loved you VERY much."
Chandler closed his eyes and wished she had
said only the last part, and
In present.
"But Chandler, you just tell me
this." Monica's voice got sharper. "If I
loved you all that much, how come I
remember none of it now? How come I
can't find the slightest feeling of love
for you, no matter how hard I
search inside of me?"
Chandler closed his eyes harder, he felt
like he needed to throw up.
"I seriously believe, that you can
forget everything there is to forget.
except for the greatest love of all."
Monica continued, not very soft now
either. "If you love someone, TRULY
love someone, with your heart, your
body, your mind, your soul, your LIFE. then
how is it possible to
completely forget about it? THAT'S what
makes me so sure I didn't love you before all
of this happened. Maybe I told you I did,
how should I know? But I didn't
mean it like you must have thought I did.
If I loved you as much as you
all say. then no accident or amnesia in the
world could change that. Goodnight
Chandler."
After that, she went inside her room and
closed the door.
Chandler could hardly breathe. He managed
to get back to his room, but
Well there he sank down to the floor
instantly. He forced himself to get up on
his feet again, and he walked over to the
bed and fell down on it.
He had only felt this terrible once before
in his life, the day Monica was
in the accident. But now he had to doubt if
he'd gone through all of this
pain for nothing. For someone who never
ever loved him really. But how
could she have stayed with him if she
didn't love him?
Chandler silently hit his fist against the
pillows, a few tears fell down
his cheeks. And he could barely breathe.
Was she right? Had she never loved him like
he'd thought? There was no way
he would ever know. The only one who would
have held the answers was
Monica, and she couldn't remember. But was
it really possible that he'd never
Known her at all?
He glanced over to her diary, that lay in
his backpack. He'd never read
it, he just kept it with him always. The
answer could be in there, but could
he really disrespect the Monica he had
thought he'd known, the Monica he
gladly would have given his life for? Could
he really read her diary? Even though
the person was no longer the same, the
person that she once was still
existed inside that diary.
Chandler shook his head. No, her diary was
not an option, he owed the
Monica who had been his roommate, lover and
friend not to look through her
Private things, not to read her private
thoughts.
'Monica, Monica, why does it have to be
this way?' he thought, staring at
the ceiling. 'I wish I would never have had
a reason to doubt you and your
love like I do now. I wish I could have
gotten the chance to love you as
much as I possibly could, even if you never
loved me the same way.'
Chandler knew for sure that she had been in
love with him. She wasn't the
type of woman that would stay with someone
she wasn't in love with. But
he'd thought her love for him went beyond
anything else. Now he wasn't so sure.
Maybe she'd only loved him enough to want
to live with him. That was not
Bad in itself, but Chandler wanted so much
more. He'd thought she loved him so
much more than that. And he realized that
weather or not she'd actually
loved him as much as he'd loved her, he
would prefer to think she did, and
never wonder if she did not.
Chandler glanced over to the diary again.
'Did you really love me as much as I want
to believe, Monica?' he thought.
'The answer is in there. But can I ever
really forgive myself if I read
it?'
AUTHOR'S NOTE: To any Ross and Rachel fan
who might have read this, no
offence. and I guess I'd have to say the
same to the Chandler and Monica
fans, lol.