THE ONE WITH THE ADJUSTMENT

 

Written by: Ethan

 

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

JOEY & JENNA’S APARTMENT (The Tribbiani family is present.  It’s 3:35 am and Joey is up with the baby) 

 

Joey:  Please just go to sleep, I’m so tired.  This was cute the first time but it’s been three weeks buddy.  You have to learn to sleep at night. 

 

(Jenna enters the family room) 

 

Jenna:  He’s still awake? 

 

Joey:  Do you see me sleeping next to you? 

 

Jenna:  Don’t start with me. 

 

Joey:  This has to stop.  The kid is up most of the night and then sleeps all day.  What the hell is the matter with him? 

 

Jenna:  I’m as clueless as you are. 

 

Joey:  That’s saying something.  I’m normally pretty clueless. 

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

CENTRAL PERK (Ross and his two girls and Monica and her kids are present) 

 

Ross:  Remember what it was like before we had kids when we used to hang out here? 

           

Monica:  Yeah, it seems like a long time ago. 

 

Ross:  It was.  That’s the problem with kids.  Once you have them, you’re stuck with them for the rest of your life.  You have to take them with you wherever you go.  (to Caitlin)  Put that down Caitlin. (to Monica) Sure, they become adults later on, but they’re still going to come to you for advice or money.  Kind of makes you wonder why you had kids in the first place, they’re such a pain in the you know what. 

 

Monica:  The kids getting to you? 

 

Ross:  Is it that obvious?  And the scary thing is that Ben is with his mother.  Next thing you know school will be starting up again and that means Ben will be back with us. 

 

Monica:  That’s nice. Make it sound like raising Ben is a huge burden. 

 

Ross:  I didn’t mean it that way.  Speaking of raising kids, have you seen Joey or Jenna in the past week? 

 

Monica:  Now that you mention it, no.  I haven’t seen them since we got back from Cancun.

 

Ross:  That was three weeks ago. 

 

Monica:  It was? 

 

Ross:  See what having kids does to you, time runs away from you. 

 

(Joey, looking very haggard enters, but walks right past Ross and Monica) 

 

Monica:  Joey!  (Joey doesn’t turn around.  Instead he orders from Gunther.  To Ross)  What’s up with that?  

 

Ross:  He looks like hell.  Bet you $500 he hasn’t slept much in the past three weeks.  

 

(Joey turns around and goes to leave.  Monica jumps out in front of him causing Joey to spill his hot coffee all over the front of Monica) 

 

Monica:  OW!  Hot!

 

Joey:  Jesus Christ, you scared the living daylights out of me!  And now I have to get another cup of coffee.  Are you ok? 

 

Monica:  I’m a little burned but I’ll live.  Where have you been?  No one has seen you or Jenna in three weeks.  

 

Joey:   Blame it on JR. 

 

Ross:  JR?

 

Joey:  Joseph Ross Tribbiani.  We call him JR for short.   (to Ross)  Yes, his middle name is after you. 

 

Ross:  Thank you. I’m honored. 

 

Joey:  And if you would like to come over and pick him up and take him home with you that would be great.

 

Monica:  Been a little rough? 

 

Joey:  Let me put it this way.  I sleep during the day now instead of at night.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to sleep during the day when you have a two year old in the apartment?  That God damn baby thinks that you sleep during the day and then stay up all night.  He’s got it completely backward and if he doesn’t get it figured out soon, I’m shoving him back up Jenna’s vagina where he can stay for another nine months.

 

Ross:  Have you guys tried keeping him up during the day? 

 

Joey (snappish):  What do you think? 

 

Ross:  Sorry, just trying to help. 

 

Joey:  God, I’m sorry man.  I’m just so tired.  And the worse part is that it’s placing a strain on my marriage. 

 

Monica:  What’s wrong between you and Jenna? 

 

Joey:  You name it, it’s wrong.  Or should I say, I’m wrong.

 

Monica:  Is there anything we can do to help? 

 

Joey:  Yeah, you could adopt my new baby. 

 

Monica:  Yeah, I think my house is full enough. 

 

Joey:  I guess it’s up to you Ross. 

 

Ross:  Sorry buddy, been there, done that. 

 

Joey:  Well I better get back to the apartment before Jenna finds something else wrong that I did.  I’ll see you guys when JR is four. 

 

(Joey leaves) 

 

Monica:  We should really do something to help them out. 

 

Ross:  Like what? 

 

Monica:  I’m not sure but we should do something. 

 

Ross:  Well it sounds like your plan is something we could definitely do.  Just let me know when you’ve come up with something. 

 

Monica:  Why do I always have to come up with a plan? 

 

Ross:  Because if someone else comes up with one you always come up with something to do that’s better.  This way I don’t have to come up with a plan because you’ll just think of something better.  I’m just saving myself some thinking time.

 

VICTORIA’S SECRET (Chandler is working in his office as Becca, his secretary enters) 

 

Becca:  Your next interview is here Chandler. 

 

Chandler:  Which one? 

 

Becca:  Amy Chase. 

 

Chandler:  I called an Amy Chase? 

 

Becca:  Well she’s here for an interview so you must’ve. 

 

Chandler:  From now on, do not let me make phone calls late on Friday. 

 

Becca:  All of these interviews were set up last Wednesday.

 

Chandler:  Oh.  Then forget what I said.  Show her in please. 

 

Becca:  Be right back.  (Becca leaves) 

 

Chandler (while searching for Ms. Chase’s resume):  Where in the fuck is your resume Ms. Chase?  Ah, here it is.  I used it as a drink holder.  Wonderful. 

 

Becca:  Amy Chase, this is Chandler Bing.  Chandler, Amy Chase. 

 

Chandler:  Thank you Becca.  Please, sit down Ms. Chase. 

 

Amy:  Please call me Amy. 

 

Chandler:  Ok Amy.  Why do you feel you’d be a good employee for Victoria’s Secret?  But wait, before you answer that, why are you looking to leave Calvin Klein? 

 

Amy:  I feel that I’ve done all I can do at Calvin Klein.  And to be truthful, I feel that my work at Calvin Klein isn’t appreciated by my boss. 

 

Chandler:  Why do you say that? 

 

Amy:  Because I bust my tail for her and she never says thank you or gives affirming support.  She only talks to me when something has gone wrong. 

 

Chandler:  I see.  And that’s what led you here today? 

 

Amy:  Yes.  I have a friend who works in the accounting department here at Victoria’s Secret and she’s always telling me what a great place it is to work.  When I found out there was a position open in your department, I couldn’t get my resume out to you fast enough. 

 

Chandler:  And you’re fully aware of what this position entails? 

 

Amy:  For the most part.  I understand that I will be performing statistical analyses on the company’s sales figures, cost analyses and inventory turnover and looking for ways to improve the company’s performance. 

 

Chandler:   That is correct.  And by your background here I see that you’re more than qualified to fill the position.  What are you salary requirements? 

 

Amy:  I would expect to be paid what I’m worth.  

 

Chandler:  I appreciate that Amy but I need a number. 

 

Amy:  Ok. (pause)  I’d say between $65-75,000 per year with two weeks paid vacation.

 

Chandler:  Ok.  Thank you for coming in.  Before you go, do you have any questions for me? 

 

Amy:  No, I think I’m good.  Thank you for your time Chandler.  (shakes hands with Chandler and turns to go.  She then turns around)  I will say that I think it’s fantastic that Victoria’s Secret is such a forward thinking company. 

 

Chandler:  What do you mean? 

 

Amy:  I mean that I think it’s just great that a gay man is in such a powerful position. 

 

Chandler (laughing):  Amy, I’m married with three kids. 

 

Amy:  Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed.  I, I, I, I’m really sorry. 

 

Chandler:  Don’t worry about it.  I’ll be in touch. 

 

Amy:  Ok, ok.  Thank you again Chandler.  (Amy leaves) 

 

Chandler:  And here she was this close to getting the job.        

 

PHOEBE & JACK’S APARTMENT (Phoebe, Ross and his two girls are present)

 

Ross:  How’s the staying off your feet going Phoebe? 

 

Phoebe:  It’s causing a major problem. 

 

Ross:  How’s that? 

 

Phoebe:  All this sitting on the couch is causing my underwear to venture its way far up my crack. 

 

Caitlin:  What does that mean Aunt Phoebe? 

 

Phoebe:  It means my underwear is up my…..

 

Ross:  Phoebe! 

 

Phoebe:  What?  I was just answering her question. 

 

Ross:  She’s not old enough to really be told what you meant. 

 

Phoebe:  Whatever.  Why are you here anyway? 

 

Ross:  I just wanted to see how you were doing.  I know it must be really hard not being able to go anywhere and I just wanted you to know that if you needed anything to please just ask.  I’d be happy to help. 

 

Phoebe:  Ah, that’s so sweet.  I do have some errands that I needed to do. 

 

Ross:  Well just right down what you need and I’ll go get the stuff for you.  Is it ok if you watch Caitlin and Keeley for me while I go out? 

 

Phoebe:  Sure, you’ll let me babysit them now, now that you know that I can’t take them anywhere. 

 

Ross:  Well I hadn’t thought of that but you do make a good point.

 

Phoebe (rifling through papers on the table):  I’ve got my list of things around here somewhere.  (picks up a couple of pieces of paper)  Here we go.  (hands the list to Ross)  I was going to ask Jack to do this for me, but since you offered. 

 

Ross (looking over the lists):  This is all your grocery shopping.

 

Phoebe (taking the list from Ross):  Wait, Joey already did that for me. 

 

Ross (looking at the next list)  Yeah, I think I’ll let Jack handle this one. 

 

Phoebe:  Which one is that? 

 

Ross:  The women’s clothing list.

 

Phoebe:  What?  You only have to pick up some panties and some bras for me.  What’s the big deal?

 

Ross:  I really don’t think I should be buying your panties and bras for you. 

 

Phoebe:  Why not? They’re just panties and bras. 

 

Ross:  I dunno, it’s just weird. 

 

Phoebe:  Haven’t you ever bought panties or bras for Rachel? 

 

Ross:  Yeah but that’s different.  Rach is my wife. 

 

Phoebe:  And I’m your close, very pregnant, friend who needs new panties and bras for after I give birth.

 

Ross:  Come on Pheebs, it’s embarrassing. 

 

Phoebe:  If anyone asks just say they’re for Rachel. 

 

Ross:  Fine, fine, I’ll do it.  (looks at the next list)  Are you kidding me with this? 

 

Phoebe:  Which one is that? 

 

Ross:  The vaginal cream?

 

Phoebe:  Well excuse me for having an itch.  You know for someone who said he was going to help me, you’re not being a willing helper. 

 

Ross:  Fine, I’ll go to the drugstore too. 

 

Phoebe:  Wait, let me see that list.  I have one thing to add.  (Phoebe takes the list from Ross and writes something down on it and hands it back to Ross) 

 

Ross:  Preparation H?

 

Phoebe:  Hey, you be pregnant and not get hemorrhoids.  It’s not an easy thing to do.  

 

JOEY & JENNA’S APARTMENT (The Tribbiani family is present) 

 

Jenna:  I think JR just woke up from his nap. 

 

Joey:  That’s nice.  Maybe he’ll decide to sleep tonight. 

 

Jenna:  Could you go check? 

 

Joey:   I could but it’s not my turn. 

 

Jenna:  I’m right in the middle of helping Jet at the moment. 

 

Joey:  So?  I am right in the middle of something too. 

 

Jenna:  You’re watching TV! 

 

Joey:  And it’s a very good program too. 

 

Jenna:  Get off your ass and go check on JR! 

 

Joey:  Jesus Christ, you sound like my mother! 

 

Jenna:  Well you making me act like your mother! 

 

Joey:  Well I got news for you sweetie, my mother is a lot nicer than you! 

 

(Jenna bursts into tears)

 

Jenna:  Why, why are you making this so difficult!

 

Joey:  Me!  You’re the one who’s been ordering me around for the past three weeks like I’m some soldier in Jenna’s little army! 

 

Jenna:  I haven’t been ordering you around!

 

Joey:  Yes you have and I’m fucking sick of it! 

 

Jenna Jr.:  Daddy, don’t swear. 

 

Joey:   Sorry sweet pea.  (there’s a knock on the door)  Come in.  (Monica enters with her kids) 

 

Monica:  Hi guys, just checking on how you guys are doing.  (seeing that Jenna is crying) Um, maybe I should come back. 

 

Jenna:  I don’t see why.  It’s not like things are going to be any different.  I need to go check on the baby.  (Jenna goes in to check on JR) 

 

Monica:  What’s going on Joe? 

 

Joey:  Just the usual fighting. 

 

Monica:  You guys need a break and I’ve come up with the perfect thing for you and Jenna. 

 

Joey:  You’re gonna put her on a plane to Siberia?

 

Monica:  No.  I got you and Jenna a room for the next five hours at the Plaza.  I’ll watch your kids in the meantime. 

 

Joey:  That sounds great Mon but putting Jenna and I alone in a hotel room right now is like putting lighter fluid on a raging fire.     

 

Monica:  You don’t understand Joe.  You both need a break from the kids, that’s why you’re fighting. 

 

Joey:  We’re fighting because she keeps ordering me around. 

 

Monica:  And I’m sure you’ve done nothing to antagonize her. 

 

Joey:  Ok, I don’t know what antagonize means but I know that I haven’t done anything to piss her off. 

 

(Jenna emerges from the bedroom with the baby) 

 

Jenna:  Yeah, let’s not even go there. 

 

Joey:  Mother Theresa has returned. 

 

Jenna:  Go to hell Joey. 

 

Joey:  I’m already living in hell Jenna and you’re the one ruling the roost.  What, did Satan take a vacation and put you in charge?   

 

Jenna:  Do you want a divorce?  Is that what you’re looking for because your one more smart ass comment away from getting one.

 

Monica:  Ok, ok, ok.  Time out.  I’m taking over here.  You two are going to the Plaza for the next couple of hours. 

 

Jenna:  That’s a nice offer Monica but I think it’s best if Joey and I aren’t even in the same room. 

 

Joey:  Amen to that. 

 

Monica:  Enough!  You guys just need a break from the baby.  Your room is 1032.  I’ll handle things here until you get back. 

 

Joey:  But….

 

Monica:  No buts, you’re going. 

 

VICTORIA’S SECRET (Chandler and Becca are present) 

 

Becca:  Your last interview for the day is here Chandler. 

 

Chandler:  Well just go tell her thank you for coming and that I’ll be in touch. 

 

Becca:  Would you stop it with that joke?  It wasn’t funny the first four times you told it.

 

Chandler:  Then get the hell out of my office and show the woman in.  Who is it by the way? 

 

Becca:  Ms. Lani Beafore. 

 

Chandler:  Do you have her resume? 

 

Becca:  No. 

 

Chandler:  Find Ms. Beafore’s resume in this mess and then get the hell out of here.  (Chandler’s phone rings and he answers)  Yes Ms. Geller? 

 

Rachel (from her office):  Where have you been all day? 

 

Chandler:  I’ve been interviewing worthless human beings for my job opening. 

 

Rachel:  When’s your last interview? 

 

Chandler:  In two minutes. 

 

Rachel:  Good.  When you’re done, please come see me. 

 

Chandler (hanging up the phone):  Ok Ms. Geller.  I’ll see you soon.  (to Becca)  Did you find it? 

 

Becca:  Does it look like I’ve found it?  You are such a slob. 

 

Chandler:  And you are so fired if you don’t find her resume in the next minute.

 

Becca (picking up a paper right in front of Chandler):  Is this what you’re looking for? 

 

Chandler:  Look at that, it was right in front of my nose. 

 

Becca:  It was probably your big nose that didn’t allow you to see it. 

 

Chandler:  You really want to get fired don’t you? 

 

Becca:  I’ll show Ms. Beafore in. 

 

Chandler:  Thank you.

 

(Becca leaves and a minute later returns with Ms. Beafore)

 

Becca:  Ms. Lani Beafore is here to see you Mr. Bing. 

 

Chandler:  Hi, I’m Chandler Bing.  Please have a seat.  Thank you Becca that will be all. 

 

Becca:  Can I get you anything Ms. Beafore?

 

Lani:  No thank you. 

 

(Becca leaves) 

 

Chandler:  How are you today? 

 

Lani:  A little harried but hanging in there.  

 

Chandler:  Well thanks for coming in.  Let’s see, you currently work for Nordstrom’s.  Why are you looking for a career change? 

 

Lani:  I’m looking for a new challenge.  As you can see, I’ve been with Nordstrom’s for four years and I feel that I’ve reached the glass ceiling.  There’s no room for advancement at my current job.  My boss is firmly entrenched in her position. 

 

Chandler:  You attended NYU. 

 

Lani:  Yes I did.  I graduated with honors. 

 

Chandler:  I have a close friend who taught at NYU but I doubt you took any of classes. 

 

Lani:  What department was he in? 

 

Chandler:  Paleontology. 

 

Lani:  I took a course in Paleontology.  It was the most painful course I ever took at NYU. 

 

Chandler:  Who was your instructor? 

 

Lani:  Um, I think it was Dr. Geller.

 

Chandler:  No way, that’s my close friend.  His wife is the Director of Sales here at Victoria’s Secret and she’s my boss to boot. 

 

Lani:  That’s totally wild. Seriously though, Dr. Geller’s class was the most boring class I ever took at NYU. 

 

Chandler:  Yeah, he can be a little boring.  I know he’s put me to sleep when he goes on and on about dinosaurs. 

 

Lani:  I fell asleep in his class one day and he threw a piece of chalk at me to wake me up.  It was totally embarrassing. 

 

Chandler:  What grade did you get in his class? 

 

Lani:  A C.  His was the only class that I didn’t get an A or an A minus in during my entire time at NYU.  His exams were the hardest ones I took at NYU. 

 

Chandler:  Well they were probably only difficult because his class was so boring. 

 

Lani:  Exactly.

 

Chandler:  He was my roommate in college.  He used to annoy the hell out of me with the constant dissertations on fossils and all that other crap about paleontology.  Don’t get me wrong, I love him like a brother but there were times when I wanted to kill him. 

 

Lani:  Now you know how I felt when I took his class. 

 

(Cut to an hour later.  Rachel arrives at Becca’s desk outside of Chandler’s office)

 

Rachel:  Is Mr. Bing still in his office Becca? 

 

Becca:  Yes Ms. Geller.  He’s still conducting his interview.

 

Rachel:  How long has she been in there? 

 

Becca:  Over an hour now. 

 

Rachel:  Thanks.

 

(cut to Chandler’s office.  He and Lani are laughing hysterically as Rachel enters) 

 

Chandler:  Oh, hey Ms. Geller.  Rachel Geller, I’d like you to meet Lani Beafore. 

 

Rachel (shaking Lani’s hand):  Hello, I’m Rachel Geller, I’m the Director of Sales here at Victoria’s Secret. 

 

Lani:  It’s an honor to meet you Ms. Geller.  Mr. Bing has had nothing but great things to say about you. 

 

Rachel:  Well he should, I am his boss after all. (to Chandler)  I need to speak with you when you’re done.

 

Chandler:  Ok.  Actually we were just about finished here.  Thank you for coming in Lani and I’ll be in touch. 

 

Lani (getting up):  Thank you for meeting with me.  I look forward to your decision.  It was a pleasure meeting you Ms. Geller. 

 

Rachel:  You too Lani.  Have a nice day.  (Lani leaves and Rachel shuts the door behind her) 

 

Chandler:  Well I think I’ve filled the position.  I really think Ms. Beafore is perfect for the position.   

 

Rachel:  Oh really?  Your candidates haven’t interviewed with me yet. 

 

Chandler:  Huh? 

 

Rachel:  I have decided that I’d like to interview your final candidates before you make your final decision.  That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. 

 

Chandler:  Um, why do you need to interview them?  The person won’t be working for you, she will be working for me.

 

Rachel:  And you work for me so technically she will be working for me too.  So give your list for your final three candidates and I will schedule interviews for them with me. 

 

Chandler:  But you told me I could fill this position based on my own judgment. 

 

Rachel:  You can, you just need my final blessing. 

 

Chandler:  That’s absolutely ridiculous Rachel.  If you won’t trust me to make the right choice then why did you even have me even be involved in the interview process in the first place? 

 

Rachel:  I’m not saying that you don’t have the final call Chandler because you do.  I just want to interview the candidates also and give you my opinion on their qualifications.  You still get to make the final choice. 

 

Chandler:  I just told you my final choice.  I think Ms. Beafore is the perfect person for the position. 

 

Rachel:  What type of salary is she looking for? 

 

Chandler:  Um, I’m not sure.  We didn’t discuss that in her interview. 

 

Rachel:  You mean to tell me you just spent an hour interviewing that woman and you don’t even know what type of salary demands she has? 

 

Chandler:  The topic never came up. 

 

Rachel:  Did you ask all the other candidates what type of salary they were looking for today?

 

 Chandler:  Maybe, I don’t remember.  

 

Rachel:  What in the hell did you and Lani talk about for a whole hour? 

 

Chandler:  The position and what it calls for. 

 

Rachel:  And what else? 

 

Chandler:  And Ross. 

 

Rachel:  Why on earth would you talk about Ross during an interview? 

 

Chandler:  She had taken Ross’ class while she was attending NYU. 

 

Rachel:  And how is that relevant to the position you’re trying to fill here? 

 

Chandler:  Well it really isn’t but it did give me a chance to see what type of communicator she was and learn about her personality. 

 

Rachel:  Then the hiring process isn’t over.  She’ll interview with me and I’ll let you know if you can hire her or not.  I want your final list of qualified candidates on my desk before you go home. 

 

MACY’S (Ross is the women’s department and confused)   

 

Woman:  Can I help you find something sir? 

 

Ross:  Um, maybe.  I need to by some bras. 

 

Woman:  Do you have the size that you’re looking for? 

 

Ross:  Um, yeah.  I need a 36D. 

 

Woman:  Ok, follow me.  (The woman brings Ross to the appropriate section)  Do you have a particular style that you’re looking for? 

 

Ross:  Style?  These aren’t for me. 

 

Woman:  Are they for your wife? 

 

Ross:  A friend. 

 

Woman:  Well we have many styles to choose from. 

 

Ross:  Um, could you just select three for me so I can get this over with? 

 

Woman:  I’d be happy too.  Does your friend like the clasp in the front or in the back? 

 

Ross:  I have no idea.  All she said was that she needed some bras.  That’s all I need, three 36D size bras. 

 

Woman:  Any particular color? 

 

Ross:  Really, I have no idea.  Just pick three please this is embarrassing enough. 

 

Woman:  I think you should just go with white. 

 

Ross:  That’s a grand idea. 

 

Woman:  Ok.  These three should work for you.  Do you need anything else? 

 

Ross:  Ah yeah.  She needs some panties. 

 

Woman:  Do you know what type of panties she is looking for? 

 

Ross (getting agitated):  No.  She just said to pick her up some panties.  

 

Woman:  Do you know if she wants high cut panties, thongs, or just normal cut panties? 

 

Ross:  I really don’t know.  She just said buy her some panties.  I don’t have intimate knowledge of what type of underwear she normally wears. 

 

Woman:  Then maybe we should just go with normal panties. 

 

Ross:  I know.  That’s what I said a couple of minutes ago. 

 

Woman:  Do you want white, pink, red or blue?  (Ross just looks at her)  White it is.  Will you be needing anything else? 

 

Ross:  No thank you, just the bras and panties. 

 

THE PLAZA (Joey and Jenna are present.  They are sitting on the bed staring at the floor and not talking to one another.  Joey finally breaks the silence.) 

 

Joey:  You know after the fiasco we had with Jet we promised ourselves that it wouldn’t happen again if we had another child. 

 

Jenna:  Yeah, we wouldn’t want to interfere with your television watching. 

 

Joey:  Why are you constantly picking a fight with me? 

 

Jenna:  I’m not picking a fight with Joey, I’m pointing out a fact. 

 

Joey:  So you think you’re the only one taking care of JR.  What a bunch of horseshit. 

 

Jenna:  I only call it as I see it Joey. 

 

Joey:  Then you have your head so far up your ass that your eyes are peering out the back of your mouth.

 

Jenna:  So earlier today when you refused to pick up JR after his nap was just a hallucination on my part. 

 

Joey:  It wasn’t my turn to take care of him! 

 

Jenna:  So now we’re taking turns in raising our new baby?  What world are you living in? 

 

Joey:  I’m living in a world where you keep bossing me around and I’m fucking sick of it!  You don’t see the other things that I’ve done since JR was born.  You just focus on yourself! 

 

Jenna:  I do not!

 

Joey:  But you do!  Who do you think has been up with JR for the past three weeks at three in the morning when he has refused to go back to sleep after you’ve fed him his 2 am feeding?  It certainly hasn’t been you it’s been me.  And who is the one who has done all the food shopping for the past three weeks?  Who has gone out in the middle of the night to buy diapers because we’ve run out?  It hasn’t been you it’s been me.  So if you don’t think I’m not helping out in raising JR then you can go fuck yourself!       

 

(Jenna bursts into tears) 

 

Jenna:  And, and, and you say I’m being mean to you! 

 

Joey:  I’m not trying to be mean honey I’m just trying to point out to you that I’ve been helping out too.  And I’m just as tired as you are.  I mean, I’m physically exhausted.  I’m just trying to make the adjustment of having a new baby in the apartment like you are. 

 

Jenna:  I’m, I’m so tired.  I can’t even think straight. 

 

Joey:  Welcome to the club.  Come here.  (Joey puts his arms around Jenna)  Everything is going to be ok, I promise.  We just have to stop fighting with one another.  We’re on the same team here. 

 

Jenna:  I’m, I’m so sorry.   I have been a total bitch to you for the past couple of weeks. 

 

Joey:  Yeah, yeah you have.  But at the same time I’ve fought back and been an asshole to you.

 

Jenna:  So I’m a bitch and you’re an asshole. 

 

Joey:  Pretty much. 

 

Jenna:  Some parents we are. 

 

Joey:  We’re doing just fine.  We just have to find a common ground when we’re both exhausted like we are.  We’re fighting because we’re both tired, not because we hate one another.  At least that’s what I think it is. 

 

Jenna:  I don’t hate you Joey.  I love you. 

 

Joey:  I love you too.  And I could never hate you, you’re the mother of my two beautiful children. But I’m putting this out there now, we’re not having another child.  Two is plenty. 

 

Jenna:  Finally something that we both agree on.  Though I guess making love right now is not an option. 

 

Joey (taking a condom out of his pocket):  Never fear for Joey is here. 

 

Jenna:  You actually brought a condom with you? 

 

Joey:  Hey, we were going to a hotel room.  Why wouldn’t I bring a condom with me?  

 

VICTORIA’S SECRET (Rachel is working in her office when Chandler enters) 

 

Chandler (handing Rachel a piece of paper):  Here’s my list of final candidates for my position, just like you asked. 

 

Rachel (taking the paper and reading it):  Very funny.  Where’s the real list? 

 

Chandler:  That is the real list.

 

Rachel:  You have your secretary and Phoebe on this list and Phoebe is not even looking for a job! 

 

Chandler:  That may be so but Phoebe is more than qualified for the position.  Becca too. 

 

Rachel:  I want two more qualified candidates before you go home. 

 

Chandler:  There aren’t any more qualified candidates Rachel.  You asked for a list and I gave you one.  

 

Rachel:  I’m not fooling around Chandler.  I want two more qualified candidates on my desk before you leave. 

 

Chandler:  And I’m telling you that there aren’t two more qualified candidates. You asked for a list, I gave you list. 

 

Rachel:  Why are you making this so difficult? 

 

Chandler:  I’m not making this difficult Rachel, you are. 

 

Rachel:  Hey, we may be in-laws, but I’m still your boss. 

 

Chandler:  I realize that Rachel.  What, you’ve never had an employee stand up to you before? 

 

Rachel:  You’re telling me you’re doing this on purpose. 

 

Chandler:  Yes. 

 

Rachel:  What the hell is your problem? 

 

Chandler:  The only problem I have is the fact that you need to micromanage everything I do and I’m tired of it.  First you tell me that I have permission to fill Jason’s old spot and to take care of it.  So I did the work necessary to bring in qualified candidates.  Then, after my last interview is complete and I’ve made my choice, you inform me that you now want to interview the candidates yourself which flies totally in the face of what you originally told me.  I feel like I can’t even wipe my ass without your permission.

 

Rachel:  I don’t micromanage you. 

 

Chandler:  But you do and if it continues, I’ll quit because I can’t work under this type of environment.  You’ve got me on edge and I can’t handle it anymore.   

 

Rachel:  Well it seems you’re the only manager Chandler who has a problem with my managerial style. 

 

Chandler:  No, I’m the only manager who has enough balls to point it out to you. 

 

Rachel:  You, you mean there are others? 

 

Chandler:  I’m just saying that I’m not the only one who thinks you micromanage your top staff.  I’m not here to name names, I hear to work out my problem with you.       

 

Rachel:  I’m, I’m a bad boss? 

 

Chandler:  Most of the time, no.  But you have your moments where you’re overbearing. 

 

Rachel:  But I can’t, I can’t be a bad boss. 

 

Chandler:  Then let me make my own hiring decision. 

 

Rachel:  And that won’t make me a bad boss?
 

Chandler:  It’ll be a start towards being a good boss. 

 

Rachel:  What, what else do I have to do? 

 

Chandler:  I don’t know Rachel.  Everyone that works for you has different ideas of what type of boss you should be.  For me, keeping your word goes a long way. 

 

Rachel:  Well how am I supposed to know what I’m doing wrong if no one will point it out to me? 

 

Chandler:  Maybe you should just listen to other people’s opinions before you tell them to do it your way. 

 

Rachel:  I, I can do that. 

 

Chandler:  Great.  I’m glad we got this all cleared up.   I’ll see you in the morning. 

 

Rachel:  Chandler? 

 

Chandler:  Yeah? 

 

Rachel:  Thanks for being strong enough to stand up to me. 

 

Chandler:  I only fight for what I believe in Rachel.   And work is really the only place where I get to do that.  You know who runs the ship at my house.  See you tomorrow.   

 

LONGS DRUG STORE (Ross is in the checkout line)

 

Cashier:  How are you today sir? 

 

Ross:  I’m fine thank you.  How are you? 

 

Cashier:  6 o’clock can’t come fast enough.  Oh dear, this product won’t seem to scan.  I’m going to have to get a price check.  (over the intercom)  I need a price check on Vagisil please.  (to Ross, who’s embarrassed because the man behind him is staring at him) This will take just a minute.  Crap, this won’t scan either. (over the intercom)  I need a price check on Preparation H, the 8 ounce size. 

 

Ross:  You know what, let’s just skip those two.  How much do I owe you? 

 

Intercom:  Which Vagisil please? 

 

Cashier (over the intercom):  The 8 ounce one.  Thank you.  It will be just a moment sir. 

 

(The man behind Ross starts laughing.  Ross turns around) 

 

Ross:  Something amusing? 

 

Man:  I hate it too when my wife sends me out for feminine products. 

 

Ross:  Well these aren’t for my wife.  (the man looks perplexed)  I mean, these are for a friend of mine.  She’s extremely pregnant and I’m just helping her out with some errands. 

 

Man:  Ah, got the mistress pregnant. 

 

Ross:  No, her husband did. 

 

Intercom:  The Vagisil is $5.95 and the Preparation H is $4.95. 

 

Cashier (over the intercom):  Thank you.  Do you need stamps today sir? 

 

Ross:  No, no just this stuff. 

 

Cashier:  Your total is $15.68. (Ross pays the cashier)  And here’s your change.  Have a nice day.   

 

PHOEBE & JACK’S APARTMENT (Phoebe, Caitlin and Keeley are present as Ross enters) 

 

Ross:  I’m back.  How were the kids? 

 

Phoebe:  Like little angels.  What’d you get me? 

 

Ross:  Here are your bras and panties and the stuff from the drug store. 

 

Phoebe (taking out the bras and panties):  Oh. 

 

Ross:  What? 

 

Phoebe:  They’re both white.  And the bras clasp in the front instead of the back.  And the panties are normal cut, not high cut.  (notices Ross is just staring at her)  They’re perfect!

 

Ross:  And for the record, I’m never buying you any of this stuff again. 

 

Phoebe:  Oh, did you have a bad experience? 

 

Ross:  First the woman at Macy’s asks 20 questions about what type of bras and panties that you wear like she thought I would know.  Then at the drugstore the Vagisil and Preparation H wouldn’t scan and the cashier had to ask for a price check.  It was all a little embarrassing. 

 

Phoebe:  Well I appreciate you going to the store for me.  It’s really sweet of you. 

 

Ross:  You’re welcome.  Let’s go Caitlin and Keeley.

 

Phoebe:  Oh, can you run one more errand for me? 

 

Ross:  Now what? 

 

Phoebe:  I need some Immodium AD.  I’ve got diarrhea like you wouldn’t believe. 

 

(Jack enters) 

 

Jack:  Hey honey.  Hey Ross. 

 

Ross:  Saved by the husband.  See you guys later.  (Ross, Caitlin and Keeley leave) 

 

Jack:  What was that all about? 

 

Phoebe:  I need you to run to the drug store to pick up some Immodium AD.  I’ve got diarrhea like you wouldn’t believe. 

 

Jack:  You’ve got to be kidding me. 

 

Phoebe:  Hey, I spared you picking up Vagisil and Preparation H for me, the anti-diarrhea medication is the least of your worries. 

 

CLOSING CREDITS 

 

JOEY & JENNA’S APARTMENT (Monica and her kids, Jenna Jr. and JR are present as Joey and Jenna enter)

 

Monica:  Well it looks like you two have been able to relax a little bit. 

 

Joey:  Two hours of sex will do that to you. 

 

Jenna (embarrassed):  Joey!