THE ONE WHERE JOEY WENT TO YALE
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Chandler and Ross are present)
Chandler (to Joey): What are you in trouble for?
Joey: I left the toilet seat up again and she really had to go and didn't notice causing her butt to touch the toilet water when she sat down.
Chandler (to Ross): And you?
Ross: I accidentally said that she didn't look nice in a particular outfit. How was I supposed to know that she had just bought it and was really excited about it?
Chandler: That'll get you every time.
Joey: What'd you do?
Chandler: I, my friend, have done nothing today to upset Monica.
Ross: Now that's amazing, you're always screwing up. That title of not screwing up is something that I can usually claim.
(Monica enters and she's upset)
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: Hi honey.
Monica: What are you doing here? We're supposed to be at the OB-GYN in ten minutes and now we're going to be late because you forgot again!
Chandler (getting up): Well it was fun while it lasted. But I feel much more comfortable in the doghouse anyway.
OPENING CREDITS
ROSS & RACHEL'S FLAT (Rachel is present as Ross enters)
Ross: Hey Rach.
Rachel: Hello.
Ross: Say, since the kids are at your Mom's I thought we'd do something special today.
Rachel: That'd be perfect. I could wear my new outfit that you don't like.
Ross: I didn't say that I didn't like it.
Rachel: Yes, yes you did.
Ross: And I'm extremely sorry for hurting your feelings.
Rachel: Thank you. Of course now I have to return the outfit, but hey, I can always find something else.
Ross: Why do you have to return it?
Rachel: Because you don't like it.
Ross: But there are a lot of outfits that you wear that I'm not crazy about and you don't return those.
Rachel: What!
Ross: Ok that didn't come out right at all.
Rachel: What other outfits that I have that you don't particularly like?
Ross: I don't remember.
Rachel: Well we have all day. I'll just try on every single outfit that I own and you can pass judgment on them.
Ross: I really don't think that's necessary. It doesn't matter what I think. In fact, you look beautiful in no matter what you wear.
Rachel: Oh that's such a typical guy thing to say.
Ross: I'm serious, you look beautiful in whatever you wear.
Rachel: Except in that outfit that I tried on for you this morning.
Ross: No, you still looked beautiful.
Rachel: Then why did you say that you didn't like it?
Ross: Um….
Rachel: Well?
Ross: Is it hot in here?
Rachel: I'm perfectly comfortable.
Ross: So I was thinking that we'd have a picnic in the park.
Rachel: That would be really nice. But before we go, you have to answer my question.
Ross: But I don't want to answer your question.
Rachel: Then I can try on all my outfits for you for the rest of the day.
Ross: Ok, ok. I didn't like the color of the outfit.
Rachel: You didn't like the color. What was wrong with the color of the outfit?
Ross: Are we done yet?
Rachel: No.
Ross: I don't know what to say other than the fact that I didn't particularly like the color of the outfit.
Rachel: So you're saying that I should throw all my clothes that are teal colored out.
Ross: No what I'm really saying is that I should've just kept my mouth shut. I love you for who you are, not what you wear.
Rachel (getting emotional): But teal is my favorite color.
Ross: Why are you getting so upset?
Rachel: I'm not upset.
Ross: Your eyes are filling with tears.
Rachel: It's just allergies.
Ross: Come here. (Rachel walks over to Ross and Ross takes her in his arms) You look beautiful in any color honey.
Rachel: I do?
Ross: Of course you do. I'm the one with no fashion sense. You shouldn't take any stock in my opinion.
Rachel: That is true. You dress like your Dad.
Ross: Thanks for the compliment. Can we go have a picnic now?
Rachel: Yeah. Let me go change.
Ross: Ok. (Rachel goes into their bedroom) Next time just follow the rule and say you love the new outfit you jackass.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey, Jenna and Jenna Jr. are present)
Joey: Are you positive you don't want me to go with you?
Jenna: Yes.
Joey: But I really want to go.
Jenna: I know Joe, but I just need to be with my Dad alone at the hospital.
Joey: Ok, if that's what you need, you got it. Wait, why are you taking Jet with you?
Jenna: Because my mother wants to see her.
Joey: Oh, ok.
Jenna: What's the matter?
Joey: Nothing.
Jenna: Ok, I'll call you when I head home.
Joey: You're not leaving Jet with me because you don't think I can handle her.
Jenna: Why would you think that? I totally don't think that.
Joey: Ok. Have a safe trip, I'll see you later tonight.
Jenna: Do you want me to leave Jet home with you?
Joey: Nah let your mother have her fun.
Jenna: Are you sure?
Joey: Positive.
Jenna: Ok, I'll see you when I get home. Love you.
Joey: Love you too. (Jenna and Jenna Jr. leave as Phoebe and Michael enter)
Phoebe: Bye Jenna, say hi to your folks. (to Joey) What are you doing today?
Joey: Nothing as usual, why?
Phoebe: Because after Chandler and Monica come to pick up Michael, I don't have anything to do either. I thought we could hang out together.
Joey: Strip club?
Phoebe: I was thinking something along the lines of a movie.
Joey: An X-rated movie?
Phoebe: I'd rather go to a strip club.
Joey: Ok, then it's settled. We'll go to a strip club.
Phoebe: But I don't want to go to a strip club.
Joey: But you just said….
Phoebe: I meant….
(Chandler and Monica enter)
Monica: Hey, we're back. How was Michael?
Phoebe: Like an angel.
Michael: Mommy!
Monica: Definitely a personality trait that my husband didn't pass on to him.
Joey: What'd you do now?
Chandler: There was a slight incident at the Doctor's office.
Monica: Slight? You looked up between my legs at the same time Dr. Kaczmarek did and when you lost your balance you pushed her into my vagina face first.
Joey: Well at least she gave you a thorough examination.
Phoebe: Did she give you a hickey?
Monica (to Chandler): See what you've started!
Chandler: Thank you both for helping matters. We'll be leaving now. Thanks for watching Michael Phoebe.
Phoebe: Anytime.
Monica: We'll see you guys later. Say goodbye to Aunt Phoebe and Uncle Joey Michael.
Michael: Bye-bye.
Monica: Thanks again Phoebe.
(Monica, Chandler and Michael leave)
Joey: Where were we?
Phoebe: We were thinking of something to do today.
Joey: That's right, we're going to a strip club.
Phoebe: No, no we're not. Let's go do something really fun, we never do anything fun anymore.
Joey: Sure we do. I just taught you how to pick up guys at the supermarket.
Phoebe: No, I mean crazy fun.
Joey: No way, every time we do something crazy we wind up nearly getting arrested.
Phoebe: I know! That's what makes it so much fun!
WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK (Ross and Rachel are present)
Ross: God, it seems like forever since you and I had a moment alone together.
Rachel: It is nice. We've been through a lot in the last six months.
Ross: Yeah, we really have. A lot of good came out of that rough spot though.
Rachel: Yeah. I feel really connected to you again.
Ross: Ah, you had been feeling a little disconnected before that?
Rachel: A little.
Ross: Oh.
Rachel: Don't read too much into it honey, it's not like I ever fell out of love with you. I guess I was just hurting from the Julie incident. It wasn't easy for me to hear that you had developed feelings for another woman.
Ross: But I thought that after we had that long talk that everything was ok between us.
Rachel: On the surface, yeah it was. But I guess deep down, I was pretty wounded.
Ross: Why didn't you say anything to me?
Rachel: Because I had to work through what happened by myself first. Then the next thing I know I shared your secret with the girls and you left for a while. Suddenly what happened between you and Julie wasn't that important to me anymore. Keeping my marriage together became much more important. I didn't want to lose you.
Ross: For me, deep down Rach, you were never going to lose me. I just needed to put things in perspective.
Rachel: Well I didn't know that. All I knew was that I had two kids at home asking me constantly when is Daddy coming home and not having an answer for them.
Ross: It was a sh^tty thing for me to do, to leave you like that.
Rachel: It certainly wasn't a picnic. But all that really matters is that you came home and that we worked it out. Our marriage is stronger because of what happened, not weaker. I can't believe I'm going to admit this to you, but while you were gone, it made look back on the Chloe incident. I realized I should've forgiven you at the time and tried to work through it with you. I was still in love with you at the time despite the fact that you slept with her. Instead, we broke up and waited a few years to get back together.
Ross: Wow. You actually think now that we were on a break?
Rachel: I didn't say that. I merely said that I should've stuck it out with you the first time.
Ross: That was probably the darkest time in my life. I never meant to hurt you.
Rachel: Yeah that period pretty much sucked for me too. And you didn't just hurt me, you ran me over with an eighteen-wheeler.
(the sprinklers in Ross and Rachel's section of the grass come on)
Ross: Well isn't this nice.
Rachel (getting up): Take my hand.
Ross: Huh?
Rachel: Let's act like we're 10 again, let's run through the sprinklers.
Ross: Are you serious?
Rachel: Come on, play with me!
(Ross takes Rachel's hand and they start running through the sprinklers as the camera fades away)
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Chandler and Michael are present. Michael is taking a nap)
Chandler: Mon?
Monica: Yeah?
Chandler: Are you disappointed?
Monica: No. I'm ok.
Chandler: But I thought you really wanted girls?
Monica: I did. But two more boys will be fine too.
Chandler: For what it's worth, I was rooting for girls too.
Monica: You were?
Chandler: Yeah. It seemed really important to you and I wanted your wish to come true so I wished for girls too.
Monica: That's so sweet. (joins Chandler on the couch) You do realize that when these boys are teenagers that they'll be eating us out of our kitchen.
Chandler: It'll be like Joey living across the hall again.
Monica: You know what?
Chandler: What?
Monica: I really am disappointed. I've always wanted a baby girl and now I'll never get one.
Chandler: We could always try for girl after the twins are born.
Monica: Yeah, this uterus will be closed after the birth of the twins. No more babies.
Chandler: They can do that?
Monica: Not exactly. We'll just get you snipped.
Chandler: Snipped?
Monica: A vasectomy, it's a simple procedure.
Chandler: That's not where they….
Monica: Yes.
Chandler: You're gonna make me permanently impotent?
Monica: Well it'll make things a lot easier. We won't have to use birth control anymore and we can have all the unprotected sex we want.
Chandler: That's easy for you to say, you're not the one who's gonna get snipped.
Monica: What's the big deal? Guys do it all the time after they finish having kids.
Chandler: But what if we get divorced and I want to have kids with my new wife? I won't be able to because you neutered me!
Monica: You actually think we're gonna get divorced?
Chandler: No, I just like to keep my options open.
Monica: You'll be fine honey. Everything will still function the way it's supposed to it's just that no little swimmers will join your, you know, your big finish.
Chandler: Yeah, it'll be like raising a flag up the flag pole minus the flag on Independence Day.
THE HILTON HOTEL (Phoebe and Joey are present. They're all dressed up)
Joey: We can't just waltz into this wedding reception Phoebe, we don't know anybody.
Phoebe: Duh that's what makes this fun. We're crashing a wedding reception. We'll just go in, grab our table seats and mingle. I'll be your date and you'll tell everyone that you're a friend of the groom.
Joey: Why do I have to be the one who knows the groom? Why can't you be the one?
Phoebe: Because you're the actor. I'm not an actor.
Joey: But I'm a terrible actor.
Phoebe: This is true but consider this an improvisational acting lesson. Here we go.
(Phoebe opens the door to the wedding reception. It's a rather large affair that has just started.)
Joey: Let's leave.
Phoebe: Stop being a baby. No one has even noticed us yet. Here, we're sitting at table nine.
Joey: This is for Homer Bush.
Phoebe: Well Homer Bush didn't show. Now it's Joey Tribbiani sitting at table nine.
Joey: But what if he shows up later on?
Phoebe: Then we'll improvise. Oh, the bar's over there. Do you want a beer?
Joey: I think I'm gonna need two.
Phoebe: I'll be right back.
Joey: Don't leave me here!
Phoebe: Just mingle, you'll be fine.
(Phoebe goes over to the bar leaving Joey standing by the reception table. A man approaches Joey)
Man: Can I help you with something?
Joey: No, my date just went to the bar to get us some drinks.
Man: How do you know the groom?
Joey: I went to college with him.
Man: Really? You're a graduate of Yale too?
Joey: Ah, yeah, yes I am.
Man: There are a lot of your old classmates here today.
Joey: Well then I better make sure I catch up with all of them.
Man: I'm sorry, I'm being rude. I'm Mike Gunning, Scott's father.
Joey: Hi, Joey Tribbiani.
Mike: What table do we have you sitting at?
Joey: Table nine.
Mike: Perfect. That's where all of Scott's college friends are sitting. Well have a great time and it was nice meeting you Joey.
Joey: You too.
(Phoebe re-joins Joey)
Phoebe: Here are your two beers like you requested.
Joey: We have to leave and we have to leave now.
Phoebe: We've only been here for a few minutes. What could have possibly happened already that would cause you to want to leave right now?
Joey: That was the groom's father! All of the sudden I'm a Yale graduate and the table we'll be sitting at is full of Scott's, who I take is the groom by the way, college friends!
Phoebe: That's perfect. We're sitting at a table full of Scott's friends.
Joey: Perfect? We don't know any of Scott's friends! We don’t even know Scott.
Phoebe: Yes, that may be true, but they don't know that. Let's go sit down.
Joey: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Trust me Joe, everything's gonna be fine.
WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK (Ross and Rachel are present. The sprinklers have stopped and they've returned to their blanket.)
Rachel: God that was fun! I so needed that.
Ross: I'm absolutely soaked. (looking at Rachel's blouse) Um, not a good day to wear white.
Rachel: At least I wore a bra.
Ross: Which is very nice by the way. Well everything we brought is soaked. Wanna head home?
Rachel: I want to go play on the swings.
Ross: Huh?
Rachel: I want you to push me on the swing.
Ross: Seriously?
Rachel: I've always had this fantasy of running through the sprinklers with you and then you pushing me on the swing to help me dry off.
Ross: No you don't.
Rachel: Seriously, I've always had that fantasy. It's like a big romantic thing for me. Please, please push me on the swing?
Ross: Ok. I promised you a special day and if this is what you want, you got it.
(Ross and Rachel start walking towards the swings)
Rachel: You know the other part of the fantasy?
Ross: No.
Rachel: Me still being wet when you're done pushing me on the swing and you take me home and undress me to get out of my wet clothes.
Ross: You just wanna skip the swing part?
Rachel: Patience honey, patience. (Rachel sits down on the swing and Ross starts to push her)
Ross: I used to dream about doing this for you when we were younger.
Rachel: Why didn't you just ask?
Ross: I could barely speak to you. How was I supposed to ask you if you wanted me to push you on the swing?
Rachel: Well that would've been a way to my heart. I've always loved the swings. (Ross pushes Rachel a little harder, however on the back swing Rachel knocks Ross over. Rachel looks over her shoulder to find Ross on the ground) Are you ok?
Ross: I'm fine, humiliated but fine.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Chandler and Michael are present. Chandler is playing with Michael in his room. Monica emerges from the master bedroom with a book)
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: Yeah?
Monica: Come here for a minute.
Chandler: What's up?
Monica: Take a look at this, it explains exactly what happens in a vasectomy.
Chandler: I'm not getting a vasectomy.
Monica: Just look at the description. It's really a non-evasive procedure. It's done with a local anesthetic and everything.
Chandler: Do you realize what you're asking me to do?
Monica: I'm just merely trying to shut off our ability to get pregnant again after the twins are born.
Chandler: Then have them take your uterus out and leave my equipment alone. I mean, I'm just finally learning how to fully use my equipment and now you want to alter me like I'm some dog.
Monica: Ok, ok, I won't ask you to get a vasectomy. We'll just abstain from sex instead.
Chandler: What? Why can't you just continue taking your birth control pills?
Monica: Because the longer I stay on them the greater my chances of getting breast cancer.
Chandler: Yeah, we wouldn't want that. Then I'll just wear a condom.
Monica: Which aren't 100% effective.
Chandler: Well 97% effectiveness is good enough for me.
Monica: Am I missing something here? Do you actually want to have more children after the twins are born?
Chandler: I hadn't really thought about it.
Monica: Well I have and I think three is enough. Actually two was going to be enough but then we found out that we're having twins.
Chandler: That stupid egg just had to split in two.
Monica: That's not what happened honey. There were two eggs in my uterus at the same time and both were impregnated.
Chandler: Huh?
Monica: We're having fraternal twins, not identical twins.
Chandler: When did that happen and why wasn't I told about it?
Monica: Well you were at the Doctor's with me when she explained what happened so I don't know how you missed it.
Chandler: Oh. So this vasectomy thing, does it hurt?
Monica: You'll be just a little uncomfortable for a couple of days.
Chandler: But everything will still work after the procedure.
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: And I bet you've already picked out the doctor to perform the procedure.
Monica: Well I like to plan ahead.
Chandler: I'll tell you what, I'll think about it for a while and let you know then.
Monica: That seems fair. Don't take too long though, your Doctor's appointment is in two days.
THE HILTON HOTEL (Phoebe and Joey are present. They have taken their seats at table nine)
Man #2 (to Joey): You look totally familiar.
Joey: Probably because we went to the same college.
Man #2: No, I've seen you on TV.
Joey: Well I was a star on Days of Our Lives for a couple of years.
Man #2: No, that's not it. Heather, where have we seen this guy before?
Heather: Oh my God Todd, it's the guy who couldn't pour milk.
Joey: No, I think you have me confused with someone else.
Phoebe: Come on Joey, admit it, you were the guy who couldn't pour milk.
Joey: Shut up Phoebe. (to Todd) Really, I was on Days of Our Lives and then General Hospital.
Todd: But you were also the man who couldn't pour milk.
Joey: Ok, I was in the informercial where I didn't know how to pour milk, but in reality I really do know how to pour milk.
Todd: I'm Todd by the way. How do you know Scott?
Joey: I'm Joey and this is my date Phoebe. I met at Scott while we were at Yale.
Todd: Hey Chris, do you remember Joey from Yale?
Chris: Nope. Maybe he was on the lacrosse team with Scott.
Joey: Yeah, I was the goalie.
Chris: I thought Mike was the goalie? Where is Mike by the way?
Todd: He couldn't make it today. His wife is having their first child as we speak.
Joey: I was just the backup goalie. I wasn't very good.
Phoebe: Sure you were honey, it's just that Mike was probably better than you.
Joey: Thanks for your observation honey. How do you guys know Scott?
Todd: I was his roommate for four years. Chris went to high school with him, and Steve over there helped Scott through Law school.
Steve: Someone had to help him, he wasn't smart enough to pass on his own.
(The bride and groom approach the table)
Scott: Hey!
Bride: Don't even think about puking at this reception Steven.
Steve: Then what's the point of having a party Lisa?
Lisa: Please just control yourself for once.
Scott (to Joey): Do I know you?
Joey: Sure you do. We were on the lacrosse team together. I was the backup goalie.
Scott: Oh, my father must've invited anyone I knew at Yale. How have you been?
Joey: Just great. This is my date Phoebe.
Phoebe: Congratulations on your marriage. I hope you two have a long, happy marriage.
Scott: Well thank you Phoebe. It's a pleasure meeting you. Lisa?
Lisa: Yeah honey?
Scott: This is Phoebe and this is Joey. Joey and I played on the same lacrosse team at college.
Lisa: It's nice to meet you Phoebe. (to Joey) You've got a lot of nerve showing up here today.
Joey: I do?
Lisa: You are Joey Tribbiani right?
Joey: Ah, yeah.
Lisa: You don't remember me do you?
Joey: Ah, no.
Lisa: So you just sleep with me, promise to call me and then wipe my name from your mind when you leave?
Scott: You slept with Joey?
Lisa: Remember that little break we took about two years ago, well during that break I meet the charming Joey Tribbiani. He swoops me off my feet, gets into my pants, promises me he'll call me and then never does.
Scott: You told me that you didn't sleep with anyone while we were on that break.
Lisa: Well I didn't think the magnificent Joey Tribbiani would show up at our wedding!
(Lisa walks away in a huff)
Scott (to Joey): You slept with my wife?
Joey: Um, apparently I did.
Scott: And you still show up at my wedding? Are you some kind of an idiot?
Phoebe: The jury is still out on that one.
Joey: I'm sorry for sleeping with your girlfriend. I didn't know that she was dating you at the time. It was an honest mistake.
Scott: Yeah, whatever. Do us all a favor and take a hike.
Joey: That's probably for the best. Let's go Phoebe.
Scott: And take your stupid wedding present with you. We don't want it.
Joey: Read you loud and clear.
Phoebe: Good luck on your marriage Scott.
Scott: You don't have to leave Phoebe.
Phoebe: Oh that's so sweet. (Joey glares at Phoebe) But I think it's best if I leave too.
(Joey and Phoebe get up and leave the ballroom)
Joey: And this is your idea of fun? The groom wanted to kick my ass.
Phoebe: Well you slept with his wife, what did you expect?
Joey (laughing): What are the odds of crashing a wedding reception where I actually slept with the bride before she got married?
Phoebe: For most people, next to nil, for you, about one in ten. You know, if you hadn't slept with the bride we would've made it through the whole reception.
Joey: Yeah, I don't think so. There were two bridesmaids there also who I've slept with and never called again.
ROSS & RACHEL'S FLAT (Ross and Rachel are present. They've just gotten home from the park)
Rachel: My clothes are still wet.
Ross: Of course they are, you insisted that we run through the sprinklers again. I'm so wet and I don't think I can get these shorts off of me.
Rachel: But wasn't running through the sprinklers again so much fun?
Ross: Yeah, it really was. You know what I liked the best?
Rachel: What?
Ross: That you held my hand the entire time we were doing it.
Rachel: That was the best part for me too.
Ross: Come here.
Rachel: Why?
Ross: Just come here.
(Rachel walks over to Ross)
Rachel: Why are you looking at me like that?
Ross: I'm trying to figure out the best way to take your clothes off.
Rachel: You've known me for all these years and you still need an instructional guide?
Ross: Ok, I'm ready. Close your eyes.
Rachel: Close my eyes?
Ross: Just trust me on this one.
Rachel (shutting her eyes): Ok.
(Ross pulls Rachel closer to him and starts kissing her as he slowly lifts her blouse over her head. He then stops and removes his shirt. Ross runs his hands through Rachel's hair, kiss her again and then unbuttons her shorts. With a slight tug, her shorts fall to the ground. He then removes his own shorts)
Ross: Keep your eyes closed.
Rachel: I'm getting cold.
Ross: We're almost finished. Just keep your eyes closed.
(Ross starts to kiss Rachel again as he removes her bra. He rubs his hands over her breasts, causing Rachel to sigh heavily. Ross then removes his boxers. He then pulls Rachel close again and slowly removes her panties.)
Rachel: Can I open my eyes now?
Ross: Not yet. (picks Rachel up and starts walking towards the bedroom)
Rachel: Where are we going?
Ross: Shush. You'll find out in a minute. (Ross puts Rachel on her feet and pulls back the covers on the bed. He then picks Rachel up again and places her in bed and pulls the covers over her. He walks around to the other side of the bed and lies down next to Rachel) Ok, you can open your eyes now.
Rachel: This wasn't part of my fantasy.
Ross: The last part of it was from mine. Now we can just cuddle for a while.
Rachel: You don't want to make love?
Ross: A little cuddle time is all I need right now.
Rachel: Thanks for making this day so special for me. I love you so much.
Ross: I love you too.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Chandler and Michael are present. Chandler is taking a nap on the couch. Monica walks over to him, with scissors in hand)
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler (waking up): How long was I asleep for?
Monica: About 45 minutes.
Chandler: Why do you have scissors in your hand?
Monica: Well I got to thinking, we don't have to go to the Doctor's office to get you snipped, we can just do it here from the comforts of our own home.
Chandler (quickly sitting up): Are you crazy!
Monica: We'll just need a little ice to numb the area and then I'll just snip your vas defrens. It won't hurt a bit.
(Chandler wakes suddenly on the couch)
Chandler: Oh my God, it was just a dream.
Monica (walking with scissors in her hand): Hey, you're up.
Chandler: What are you doing with those scissors in your hand?
Monica: I was going to cut Michael's hair. Are you ok?
Chandler: I just had a dream that you were going to use scissors to do my vasectomy right here right now.
Monica: We can do that if you want. You'll just have to wait until I finish cutting Michael's hair.
Chandler: What!
Monica: I was just fooling around honey. I'm just gonna cut Michael's hair.
Chandler: Oh. I was just freaking out there for a minute. So what time is my Doctor's appointment on Monday?
Monica: 8:30. You're gonna do it?
Chandler: Yeah. I also had a dream while I was sleeping that we had five boys and one girl and that we were both working two jobs just to keep food on the table.
Monica: Well a little snip will keep that dream from becoming reality.
Chandler: Of course I was married to someone else and had custody of the boys as well as my new kids. It was all very confusing.
Monica: Oh. (pause) Do you honestly believe that our marriage is destined for divorce?
Chandler: God no. I've never been happier in my life. That's why I'm willing to get a vasectomy, I don't want to be with another woman ever again.
Monica: And here I thought it was because you love me.
Chandler: Oh that's definitely the number one reason why I'm willing to do it, you make me happy.
Monica: Well you make me happy too. Now pick up your shoes and put them away if you're not going to be wearing them.
Chandler: Ok, now we're on the con list of why not to get a vasectomy. (Monica just looks at Chandler. Chandler smiles back at her) I love you.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey and Phoebe are present. They're still dressed up)
Joey: I can't believe I went to college at Yale.
Phoebe: You didn't go to college at Yale Joey, you barely got your high school equivalency certificate.
Joey: But the people at the wedding reception didn't know that.
(Jenna and Jenna Jr. enter).
Jenna: Hey!
Joey: How's your Dad?
Jenna: He's hanging in there the best that he can. Why are you two all dressed up?
Phoebe: We attended a wedding reception today.
Jenna (to Joey): Who'd you know that was getting married today and why didn't you tell me about this reception?
Joey: What Phoebe meant to say is that we crashed a wedding reception today.
Jenna: You two just went to some couple's wedding reception?
Phoebe: Uh huh.
Jenna: And the people there didn't know that you didn't belong there?
Joey: Not at first.
Jenna: Not at first?
Phoebe: Apparently Joey had slept with the bride a couple of years ago. She wasn't too happy to see him.
Jenna: Joey!
Joey: How was I supposed to know that the wedding reception that we chose to crash would be one where I had slept with the bride when she was single?
Jenna: So what happened?
Joey: In the short version the bride asked if I remembered her and I said no. Then she said that I had swooped her off her feet, slept with her, promised to call her again and never did.
Phoebe: But that's not the best part. The best part was that Joey slept with her while she was on a break from the groom. So not only was the bride pissed at Joey, the groom was too.
Jenna: You two should not be allowed to hang out together. You need to be supervised at all times.
Phoebe: Don't be mad at Joey Jenna, it was my idea.
Jenna: Oh, I'm not mad at all. I think it's funny actually. I mean what are the chances of you two crashing a wedding reception where Joey had slept with the bride?
Joey: That's exactly what I said.
Phoebe: And Joey hasn't even told you that he slept with two of the bridesmaids in the bridal party and did the same thing to them.
Jenna (laughing harder): You have a better chance of winning the lottery than that happening to someone other than Joey.
Phoebe: That's what happens when you've dated every single woman in the City. Why do you think Joey never gets invited to any weddings?
CLOSING CREDITS
ROSS & RACHEL'S FLAT (Ross and Rachel are still in bed)
Rachel: I think we missed dinner.
Ross: What time is it?
Rachel: 7:45.
Ross (sliding under the covers): Oh well, onto the dessert course.
Rachel: The dessert course? (taking a deep breath) Oh that dessert course. Make sure you pay extra attention to the cherry. Oh, right there. (clasping the sheets) Oh my God!
Ross (coming up from under the covers): That was fast.
Rachel: It'd been building up ever since we were running through sprinklers.