THE ONE WITH FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND – PART III

 

Written by: Ethan

 

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

PREVIOUSLY ON FRIENDS

 

ROSS & RACHEL’S ROOM  (Ross and Rachel are present)

 

Rachel:  You want to do it again? 

 

Ross:  Yeah.  My hard on won’t go away. 

 

Rachel:  Can’t you just play with it yourself? 

 

Ross:  Why would I want to do that when I have my lovely wife to help me out? 

 

Rachel:  Because you’ve drilled me so hard I don’t think I’ll be able to walk later.

 

Ross:  Well you could use your mouth. 

 

Rachel:  I could. 

 

Ross:  I’d return the favor. 

 

Rachel:  Again? 

 

Ross:  Again. 

 

Rachel:  Then prepare yourself for the ride of your life.  (Rachel goes underneath the covers and begins to do things to Ross.  Joey knocks) 

 

Ross (to the door):  Hold on a sec.  (to Rachel) Rachel, you gotta stop. 

 

Rachel:  But I’ve just started. 

 

Ross:  Someone’s at the door. 

 

Rachel:  They’ll go away.  (Rachel resumes what she was doing as Joey enters) 

 

Joey:  Ross? 

 

Ross:  Joe!  Usually when someone says wait a second it means stay outside until they open the door for you!

 

Joey:  Where’s Rach? 

 

Rachel:  Down here. 

 

Joey:  Nice. 

 

Ross:  Do you mind? 

 

Joey:  Afraid I do.  Jenna’s gone into labor and she wishes that you deliver our baby. 

 

Rachel:  Hey look at that honey, your hard on went away.       

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

ROSS & RACHEL’S ROOM (Continued from before)

 

Ross:  She what? 

 

Joey:  She wants you to deliver our baby. 

 

Ross:  I’m not a doctor Joey. 

 

Joey:  Then why do people call you Dr. Geller? 

 

Ross:  Because I have a doctorate in paleontology, not medicine.  There’s a huge difference. 

 

Joey:  Then go explain that to Jenna because she thinks your qualified enough to deliver the baby.  She won’t listen to me. 

 

Rachel (covered by the bed sheets):  Joe, if you could give us a minute, we’ll be right out.

 

Joey:  Oh, you gotta finish what you were doing.  I would too. 

 

Rachel:  No, we’re just gonna get dressed.  So if you don’t mind?

 

Joey:  Don’t mind what?

 

Rachel:  Leaving so we can get dressed. 

 

Joey:  Right, right, right.  The last thing I need to see is Ross naked.  My day’s already taken a turn for the worse as is. 

 

Ross:  Get out Joey! 

 

Joey:  Relax buddy, I’m leaving. (to Rachel)  He gets cranky when he doesn’t get to finish having sex. 

 

(Joey leaves)  

 

Ross:  This can’t be happening!

 

Rachel:  Just go talk to Jenna and tell her you can’t do it because you’re not a doctor. 

 

Ross:  Well I am a doctor, just not a doctor of medicine. 

 

Rachel:  You’re gonna need a doctor of medicine really quick if you don’t hurry and get dressed and go talk to Jenna. 

 

JOEY & JENNA’S ROOM (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present as Joey enters) 

 

Brad:  I take it you found them. 

 

Joey:  Yes, yes I did.  And they were doing exactly what you said they were doing. 

 

Jennifer:  So you just barged in on them like you did us. 

 

Joey:  No, I knocked first.  Ross said wait a second so I did, then I entered. 

 

Phoebe:  When someone says “wait a second” Joe, they mean wait outside the door until they say come in. 

 

Joey:  I realize that now.  Where were you two minutes ago? 

 

Jenna:  Is Ross coming? 

 

Joey:  Yeah.

 

Monica:  How are you doing Jenna? 

 

Jenna (snappish):  I’m having a baby Monica, how do you think I’m doing? 

 

Monica:  I, I was just trying to make sure that you’re doing ok.  I’ll go wait outside.  (Monica turns to leave)

 

Jenna:  Mon, Mon, wait.  I’m sorry, I’m really sorry.  I’m doing ok.  Please don’t leave.

 

(Ross and Rachel enter) 

 

Chandler:  The doctor is here to save the day! 

 

Ross:  Everyone out for a minute, I have to talk to Jenna. 

 

Joey (to the others):  He’s still grumpy because he didn’t get to finish having sex.  (Ross shoots Joey a look) See what I mean? 

 

Ross:  Come on, everyone but Monica out. 

 

Joey:  Why do I have to go and she gets to stay? 

 

Ross:  I’m not asking you to leave Joe.  I was assuming that you’d know that you’d be staying.  

 

Chandler:  That’s a pretty strong assumption considering it’s Joey.   

 

Jenna:  Can we get on with the proceedings please! 

 

Rachel:  I think we must be going. 

 

(Everyone but Ross, Monica and Joey leave)

 

Ross:  Jenna, I want you to listen to me very carefully.  I can’t deliver your baby because I’m not a real doctor.  We need to get you to the local hospital. 

 

Jenna:  Well then we have a major problem because I’m going to the local hospital. 

 

Ross:  Jenna, if something were to go wrong, I wouldn’t begin to know what to do.  You could die and I wouldn’t want that on my conscious for the rest of my life. 

 

Jenna:  Nothing’s going to go wrong now deliver the God damn baby! 

 

Ross:  I can’t do that Jenna.  I’m not a doctor. 

 

Jenna:  You delivered Jennifer’s baby.  I was there. 

 

Ross:  And I got lucky that nothing went wrong.  And I had to deliver Jennifer’s baby because it was impossible to get her to the hospital that day because of the snow.

 

Jenna:  And that’s no different today.  I refuse to go to the local hospital. 

 

Monica:  Ross is right Jenna, we need to get you to the local hospital.  Ross isn’t a doctor. 

 

Ross:  Well I am a doctor just not the type that Jenna needs at the moment. 

 

Monica:  Are you done?  (to Jenna)  Sweetie, going to the hospital is your only option. 

 

Jenna:  You guys are all fucking deaf!  I’m not going to the hospital and that’s final!  Ow!  

 

Joey:  And people say I’m stubborn. 

 

Ross:  We’ll be right back Joe. 

 

Joey:  Ok. 

 

(Ross and Monica leave)

 

Joey:  Jenna, please let me take you to the hospital.  I mean come on, this is absolutely crazy. 

 

Jenna:  Am I gonna have to ask you to leave? 

 

Joey:  Ah no. 

 

Jenna:  Then shut the hell up. 

 

(Cut to the hall where the others have gathered) 

 

Jennifer:  How’d it go? 

 

Ross:  She refuses to go to the hospital.

 

Jack:  How far apart are her contractions? 

 

Ross:  I didn’t get that far. 

 

Jack:  Well the last time I checked they were a few minutes apart. 

 

Phoebe:  Maybe you should deliver Jenna’s baby. 

 

Ross:  Has someone called for an ambulance yet? 

 

Phoebe:  No.  She doesn’t want to go to the hospital. 

 

Ross:  Then we can bring the hospital to her. 

 

Phoebe:  Huh? 

 

Ross:  Just call for an ambulance, hopefully the paramedics can get here in time to deliver the baby.    

 

Jennifer:  I’ll go call. 

 

Phoebe:  Wait, I’ll go with you.

 

Jennifer:  Do you speak Spanish?

 

Phoebe:  A little. 

 

Brad:  Me too but I only know the swear words. 

 

Jennifer:  Thank you for interjecting that worthless bit of information honey. 

 

(Phoebe and Jennifer go downstairs to call for an ambulance) 

 

Ross:  I’d better go see how far along Jenna is. 

 

Chandler:  Need any help? 

 

Ross:  Yeah if you can find a doctor hiding in the house that would be really helpful. 

 

THE KITCHEN (Phoebe and Jennifer are present) 

 

Phoebe:  Do you dial 911 in Mexico? 

 

Jennifer:  I have no idea. 

 

Phoebe:  Do you have a phone book? 

 

Jennifer:  I don’t think so. 

 

Phoebe:  Maybe I should just start dialing numbers.  Maybe I’ll get the local hospital. 

 

Jennifer:  Try calling the operator. 

 

Phoebe:  How do you do that in Mexico? 

 

Jennifer:  Dial zero? 

 

Phoebe:  Was that a question or a statement? 

 

Jennifer:  Um, a question because I really don’t know. 

 

Phoebe:  Here goes nothing.  (Phoebe dials zero – to Jennifer)  It worked. 

 

Jennifer:  Then what are you talking to me for? 

 

Phoebe:  Good point. (on the phone) Hola.  Habla Ingles?  (pause) Yes, I need the number for the local hospital. (pause)  The one in Cancun.  (pause) Any one will be fine.  (pause while writing the number down)  Gracias. (hangs up – to Jennifer) Well that was easy.  I couldn’t believe he spoke English. 

 

Jennifer:  I’m not surprised.  After all, all the good jobs in America have been outsourced to foreign countries. 

 

Phoebe:  They outsourced all the phone operators to Mexico? 

 

Jennifer:  Call the hospital Phoebe. 

 

Phoebe:  Right.  (she dials)  Hola.  Me llamo Phoebe.  Habla Ingles?  (pause to Jennifer) She’s rambling on in Spanish and I don’t understand what she’s saying. Now she’s not saying anything at all.  Hola? (pause – to Jennifer) Now it’s a man. 

 

Jennifer:  I really don’t need to hear the play-by-play Phoebe. 

 

Phoebe (on the phone):  Habla Ingles? (pause) Great, how are you? (pause) Really, that’s too bad.  Was it serious?  (pause)  Sixteen people?  That’s a pretty bad accident. 

 

Jennifer:  Phoebe!  Get to the point! 

 

Phoebe:  Um, we need an ambulance.  We have a woman who’s gone into labor but she refuses to go to the hospital. (pause)  I realize that but she’s going to give birth here.  We just need a doctor or some paramedics to help us out.  (pause) What? (pause) Look, if you’ll just send the ambulance, we’ll get her to go to the hospital.  (pause)  Hold on a sec.  (to Jennifer)  What’s your address? 

 

Jennifer:  Um, I don’t know. 

 

Phoebe:  Well they can’t send an ambulance if we don’t give them an address. 

 

(Brad enters the kitchen)

 

Jennifer:  Brad!

 

Brad:  Jesus Christ, I’m right here, you don’t have to yell. 

 

Jennifer:  I didn’t know that.  What’s our address? 

 

Brad:  I have no idea. 

 

Phoebe:  How can you both not know what the address is here? 

 

Brad:  That’s a good question to which I don’t have an answer.  (Brad leaves)

 

Phoebe:  Well go find out what it is the hospital needs the address.  (on the phone)  Hold on a second, we’re having a little trouble locating ourselves. (pause) Yeah it is kind of funny isn’t it? (pause)  Oh, we’re from New York City. Where are you from? (pause)  Seriously?  How’d you wind up in Cancun?  (pause) That’s totally wild. (to Jennifer)  He’s from Ontario. (on the phone) No, we’re here just for the weekend. We’re leaving tomorrow.  (pause) Maybe, I’ll have to ask my husband for his permission.  (pause) Yeah I’m married, but that doesn’t mean we can’t go out and have some fun. 

 

Jennifer:  Phoebe! 

 

(Brad returns) 

 

Brad:  Our address is 1175 Paso Verdes Lane. 

 

Phoebe (on the phone):  The address is 1175 Paso Verdes Lane.  (pause)  Great, thanks for your help.  (Phoebe hangs up)  The ambulance is on its way.  That guy was really nice. 

 

Jennifer:  He was hitting on you. 

 

Phoebe:  I know that.  I told him I was married what more do you want? 

 

JOEY & JENNA’S ROOM (Joey, Jenna, and Ross are present)

 

Ross:  An ambulance is on the way Jenna hang in there. 

 

Jenna:  I am not going to the hospital Ross! 

 

Ross:  I know that, we’re bringing the hospital to you. 

 

Jenna:  What!

 

Ross:  Jenna, you need a paramedic to deliver your baby, not me. 

 

Jenna:  Well I’ve got news for you mister, you’re gonna be delivering this child whether you like it or not!  My contractions are getting closer and closer together! 

 

Ross:  How far apart are they? 

 

Joey:  About 90 seconds.

 

Ross:  Oh shit.  Don’t do this to me Jenna, hold on until the paramedics get here. 

 

Jenna:  This is not something you can delay you idiot! 

 

Ross:  Ok, ok, ok.  Spread your legs for me. 

 

Joey:  Whoa!  What the hell do you think you’re doing! 

 

Ross:  I need to see how far Jenna is dilated Joey. 

 

Joey:  You’re not looking between my wife’s legs. 

 

Jenna:  Joey!  Shut the hell up and let him look! 

 

Joey:  I don’t want him looking at your vagina Jenna.  You don’t see me asking Rachel to look at her vagina.

 

Jenna:  Get out!

 

Joey:  What!

 

Jenna:  I said, get out!

 

Joey:  I’m not leaving if he’s gonna be looking at your vagina. 

 

Jenna:  Then shut the hell up and let him do it! 

 

Ross:  Look Joe, I don’t like this as much as you do but I have to do it to see how far Jenna’s along. 

 

Joey:  Fine, fine, look at my wife’s vagina.  But Rachel is showing me hers later on. 

 

Ross:  Whatever.  Just so you know, you ask to see Rachel’s vagina and she’ll kick your ass. 

 

Jenna:  Joey, would you quit being a baby and take my God damn underwear off! 

 

Joey:  Forget it, if you won’t ask me nicely, I’m not helping you. 

 

Jenna:  I’m gonna get out of this bed and kick your ass if you don’t start cooperating!

 

Ross:  Joe, please just do it.      

 

Joey:  Fine, but no commenting on Jenna’s pubic hair or lack there of. 

 

Jenna:  Joey! 

 

Joey:  Ok, ok, lift your behind a little.  (Joey removes Jenna’s underwear)  Your patient is ready Dr. Geller. 

 

Ross:  Ok Jenna, spread your legs apart for me and lie back.  (Jenna does so and Ross examines Jenna’s cervix) 

 

Jenna:  Oh, your hands are cold. 

 

Ross:  Sorry.  (standing up)  Ok, it looks to me like you’re fully dilated.  I’ll be right back, just don’t start pushing or anything and if you could reposition yourself towards the end of the bed that would be great. 

 

Jenna:  Ok.

 

(Ross leaves)

 

THE KITCHEN (Everyone but Ross, Joey and Jenna are present) 

 

Rachel:  Any idea what they’re naming the baby? 

 

Chandler:  Joseph Francis Tribbiani Jr. 

 

Jack:  They’re really gonna name their second kid after Joey?  I mean they named their first kid after Jenna. 

 

Phoebe:  Just goes to show you that the Tribbiani family isn’t normal. 

 

Monica:  That sounds pretty weird coming from someone as eccentric as you Phoebe.

 

Phoebe:  Yeah but everyone knows I’m not normal. 

 

Jack:  Amen to that. 

 

Phoebe:  You wanna sleep on the couch tonight? 

 

Jack:  You just said you weren’t normal.  I was just agreeing with you. 

 

(Ross enters the kitchen) 

 

Brad:  I wonder how Ross is doing. 

 

Jennifer:  Well maybe he can tell us because he’s standing right behind you. 

 

Ross:  Ross is in panic mode. 

 

Monica:  Jenna’s ready to give birth? 

 

Ross:  It appears that way.  Did you call for an ambulance? 

 

Phoebe:  Over fifteen minutes ago. 

 

Ross:  Where in the hell is the ambulance coming from, Tijuana? 

 

Rachel:  Do you need some help? 

Ross:  I need some towels and a blanket.  Oh and some water too. 

 

Chandler:  What’d you need the water for? 

 

Ross:  The water is for me.  Who wants to help? 

 

Phoebe:  Me! Me! Me! 

 

Ross:  Ok Pheebs, let’s go. 

 

Monica:  I’m coming too. 

 

Jennifer:  I’ll find some towels and a blanket. 

 

Chandler:  I guess I’ll get him some water.  You want ice? 

 

Ross:  What? 

 

Chandler:  Ok, no ice. 

 

(Ross, Phoebe and Monica leave to go back upstairs)

 

Brad:  God, this is like when Courteney was born. 

 

Chandler:  What are you talking about?  Courteney was born in the middle of a blizzard.  It’s 90 degrees outside. 

 

Brad:  I meant the situation. 

 

Chandler:  But Jennifer wanted to go to the hospital.  Jenna’s the one who’s refusing to go to the hospital.  It’s totally the opposite of when Ross delivered Courteney. 

 

Brad:  Aren’t you supposed to be getting Ross some water? 

 

Chandler:  Um, yeah.  

 

Brad:  I’m gonna go wait outside for the ambulance. 

 

Chandler:  I’m gonna get Ross some water and then do what I do best. 

 

Brad:  What’s that? 

 

Chandler:  Be completely useless. 

 

Brad:  Yeah, I heard that’s what you’re really good at. 

 

JOEY & JENNA’S ROOM (Joey, Jenna, Ross, Monica and Phoebe are present)

 

Ross:  How far apart are the contractions now Joey? 

 

Joey:  Oh, was I supposed to be keeping track? 

Jenna:  Are you a complete moron! 

 

Joey:  Apparently so. 

 

Jenna:  They’re close Ross, about 45 seconds apart and getting stronger and stronger.

 

Ross:  Ok, ok.  Um, let’s take one last look at your cervix. 

 

Joey:  Would you quit looking at my wife’s vagina? 

 

Jenna:  Get out Joey!  Get out right now! 

 

Joey:  What!  I didn’t do anything!

 

Jenna:  You’ve done plenty!  This is all your fault!  You got me pregnant and now I’m giving birth in a foreign country! 

 

Joey:  That’s because you wouldn’t listen to me!  You insisted we come here this weekend!  So as I see it, this is your fault, not mine! 

 

Jenna:  Ross, remove Joey from the room before I get out of this bed and kill him! 

 

Ross:  Ok, ok, everybody just calm down!  Joey, I need you to support Jenna, not antagonize her. 

 

Joey:  Antagon what? 

 

Ross:  Stop arguing with her. 

 

Joey:  She started it! 

 

Phoebe:  Joseph Francis Tribbiani stop pissing Jenna off or I’m gonna come over there, rip off your testicles with my bare hands and shove them down your throat!   

 

Joey:  What are you threatening me for?  I didn’t do anything wrong! 

 

Phoebe:  You’re being an asshole. 

 

Joey:  Oh.  That’s not a good thing. 

 

Monica:  Joe, just stay calm and help Jenna through this.  Can you do that? 

 

Joey:  Yeah. 

 

(Jennifer enters) 

 

Jennifer:  Here are some towels and your water Ross.  

 

Jenna:  Water! 

 

Ross:  Here you go Jenna. 

 

Monica:  No ambulance yet? 

 

Jennifer:  No.  Brad’s waiting outside for it.  The kids are up from their naps so Rachel and I will entertain them while you guys work in here. 

 

Monica:  Thanks. 

 

(Jennifer leaves)

 

Ross (examining Jenna):  Crap. 

 

Jenna:  What?  What is it? 

 

Ross:  You’re definitely ready to go. 

 

Jenna:  Then what the fuck are you saying crap for!  Deliver the God damn baby! 

 

Ross:  Let’s just wait another five minutes to see if the paramedics arrive. 

 

Jenna:  Do you think I’m enjoying this Ross!  Get this thing out of me right now!    

 

Joey:  You gotta do something man. 

 

(Everyone stares at Ross for a minute.  The silence is broken by Jenna)

 

Jenna:  Fuck!  That hurt!  I’m telling you Ross this baby is coming whether you like it or not. 

 

Monica (putting her arm around Ross’ shoulder):  You can do this. 

 

Ross:  But if something where to happen….

 

Monica:  Nothing is going to happen.  Phoebe and I will help you through this. 

 

Ross:  Then we’d better get started. 

 

THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE (Brad, Chandler and Jack are present)

 

Chandler:  Remind me never to a heart attack in Mexico.  I’d be dead by the time the paramedics got here. 

 

Brad:  Where in the hell are they?  Did they stop at a bar or something? 

 

Jack:  Are you sure you gave them the right address? 

 

Brad:  Yeah.  (Brad kicks a flower pot over)  Oh shit!  My toe! 

 

Chandler:  Maybe we should call another ambulance for Brad.  This way the two ambulances could race here. 

 

JOEY & JENNA’S ROOM (Continued from before)

 

Ross:  Are you ready to push Jenna?

 

Jenna:  What kind of stupid question is that! 

 

Ross:  Ok, you’re ready to push.  Ok, on three, start pushing. 

 

Jenna:  Fuck counting to three!  (Jenna starts pushing)

 

Joey (to Ross):  See anything yet? 

 

Ross:  No. 

 

Joey:  You gotta push harder Jenna nothing is happening. 

 

Jenna:  I swear to God Joey if you make one more stupid comment I will make sure you don’t live to see tomorrow!

 

Ross:  Ok Jenna, start pushing again.

 

Joey:  See anything yet? 

 

Ross:  Joe, do you want to deliver this baby? 

 

Joey:  Ah no. 

 

Ross:  Then just help Jenna through her labor.

 

Joey:  Ok.  (pause) How do I do that? 

 

Monica:  Just hold her hand Joey. 

 

(Joey goes to take Jenna’s hand but she pulls it away from Joey) 

 

Jenna:  Get away from me you’ve done enough already!

 

Joey:  Hey, I’m just trying to help you!  

 

Jenna:  Then just stand there!   

 

Ross:  Keep pushing Jenna, you can do this.

 

Jenna:  No shit!  I have done this before Ross!

 

Phoebe:  Just take deep breaths Jenna. 

 

Jenna:  Would everyone quit giving me advice!  (to Ross)  Do you see the head yet? 

 

Ross:  No.  Relax for a minute and then we’ll start pushing again. 

 

Jenna:  We’ll?  I don’t see you doing any pushing!      

 

THE KITCHEN (Jennifer, Rachel, and all the kids are present) 

 

Jenna Jr.:  Where’s my Mommy? 

 

Rachel:  She’s upstairs sweetie. 

 

Jenna Jr.:  Can I see her? 

 

Rachel:  Not right now honey, she’s giving birth at the moment. 

 

Jenna Jr.:  She’s having the baby? 

 

Rachel:  Uh huh. 

 

Jenna Jr.:  Is that why I can hear her screaming at Daddy? 

 

Rachel:  Yes. 

 

Jenna Jr.:  Is she mad at Daddy? 

 

Jennifer:  Of course not sweetie.  She’s just going through labor pains at the moment.  She’s not mad at your Daddy. 

 

Jenna Jr.:  Ok, I’m gonna play with Caitlin.  (Jenna Jr. runs off) 

 

Rachel:  Little kids are so funny. 

 

Jennifer:  Yeah, it’s just getting them into the world that’s a pain in the ass.

 

THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE (Brad, Chandler and Jack are present) 

 

Jack:  How’s the toe? 

 

Brad:  Bruised. 

 

Chandler:  Yeah but I think the flower pot got the worse of it. 

 

(the ambulance finally arrives) 

 

Brad:  Look who decided to show up. 

 

Jack:  It must be a new record, it only took them an hour to get here.

 

(two paramedics approach the front porch) 

 

Paramedic #1:  Someone call for an ambulance?

 

Chandler:  Yeah about an hour ago.  Where in the hell have you guys been? 

 

Paramedic #2:  We got a little lost.  This is a hard place to find. 

 

Brad:  We gave you directions. 

 

Paramedic #2:  Yeah, unfortunately they flew out the window on the way over here. 

 

Brad:  Well isn’t that nice.  There’s a woman in labor waiting for you upstairs.  Follow me. 

 

JOEY & JENNA’S ROOM (Continued from before) 

 

Ross:  That’s it Jenna, push! 

 

Jenna (exhausted):  I, I can’t push anymore.

 

Ross:  I can see the head. 

 

Jenna (starting to push again):  Get this baby out of me! 

 

Ross:  Ok, ok, ok, I’ve got the head stop pushing for a minute.  (long pause)  Ok, one final big push! 

 

Joey:  Let’s go honey, one final push.  You can do it! 

 

Jenna (in agony):  Ugh! 

 

Ross:  Ok, ok, ok, you’re done.  It’s a boy! 

 

Joey:  Joey Francis Tribbiani Jr.! 

 

(the paramedics enter with Brad) 

 

Paramedic #1:  How are things going? 

 

Ross:  We’re all done.  If you could cut the umbilical cord, that’d be great.  And where in the hell have you guys been?  We called for an ambulance over an hour ago. 

 

Brad:  They got lost. 

 

Ross:  Didn’t we give them directions? 

 

Paramedic #2:  Ah yeah but they flew out the window on the way here.  Why don’t you let us take over from here? 

 

Ross:  Sure, after the hard part is done.  Sure, why not? 

 

Paramedic #1:  Miss, we do need to take you to the hospital.  

 

Jenna:  Why?  The baby is already here. 

 

Paramedic #1:  You won’t be able to take your child out of the country if you don’t come to the hospital to document the birth. 

 

Jenna:  Oh. 

Paramedic #2:  And the good news is that your child qualifies for Mexican citizenship. 

 

Joey:  Hey, my child is Italian-American, not Mexican. 

 

Paramedic #2:  No, no.  Since your child was born in Mexico, he qualifies for Mexican citizenship in addition to American citizenship.

 

Joey:  Oh crap, does that mean my boy is going to have to learn to speak Spanish too? 

 

Paramedic #1:  No. 

 

Joey:  That’s good, that’s good. 

 

Paramedic #1:  Miss, can we put you on the stretcher now? 

 

Jenna:  Yeah.  Just let me put my underwear back on. 

 

Paramedic #1:  Not a problem.  We’ll wait outside.  Just let us know when you’re ready. 

 

(The paramedics leave the room) 

 

Ross:  Well we’ll let you have some privacy.

 

Monica:  Congratulations Joey and Jenna. 

 

Phoebe:  Yeah, after watching you go through labor Jenna I hope I stay pregnant for the rest of my life. 

 

Jenna:  Guys? 

 

Ross:  Yeah?

 

Jenna:  Thank you for all your help. 

 

Ross:  Not a problem.  Just remember that this is a one-time thing.  You’ve used up your home delivery card.   

 

THE KITCHEN- FIVE HOURS LATER (Everyone but Jenna and Joey Jr. are present)

 

Jennifer:  Well this has been some day. 

 

Phoebe:  You should really consider going to medical school Ross.  You could become a famous OBGY-N. 

 

Ross:  No, no, no more delivering babies for me. 

 

Jack:  And here Phoebe and I were going to ask you to deliver our child. 

 

Ross:  Ain’t gonna happen. 

 

Joey:  Um, Jenna wanted to apologize to you Ross, Monica and Phoebe for acting like a bitch while she was delivering Joey Jr. 

 

Monica:  Don’t worry about it Joey.  We all know she wasn’t doing it on purpose. 

 

Ross:  I’m just glad nothing went wrong. 

 

Chandler:  And how about them paramedics?  They sure were right on time.  I think we should send them a thank you note for all their hard work.

 

Jack (to Phoebe):  Why are you fidgeting? 

 

Phoebe:  My breasts are on fire.  I think I got sunburned. 

 

Jennifer:  Well I think it’s safe to say that we’ll remember this trip for a long time. 

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

JOEY & JENNA’S ROOM (Joey, Jenna, Jenna Jr. and Joey Jr. are present.  Jenna is sleeping as is the baby) 

 

Joey:  See sweetie, there’s your brand new baby brother. 

 

Jenna Jr.:  What’s his name Daddy? 

 

Joey:  Joseph Ross Tribbiani. 

 

Jenna Jr.:  His middle name is after Uncle Ross? 

 

Joey:  Yup.  But it’s a secret between you and I.  I haven’t told Uncle Ross yet. 

 

Jenna Jr.:  I’m good at keeping secrets. 

 

Joey:  I know you are sweetie.  Let’s go back downstairs and Mommy and little Joey sleep.