THE ONE WITH THE TWINS

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Chandler and Michael are present)

Monica: I really don't want you to go.

Chandler: I have to go. Why don't you want me to go?

Monica: Because I could have the babies.

Chandler: You're not due for another month Mon, I really don't think you're going to be having the babies today.

Monica: But what if I did? You wouldn't make it back in time for the births because you were all the way in Albany.

Chandler: I'll have my cell phone with me. If you go into labor, call me. I'll be there to see our twin boys born.

Monica: Just like you were there for Michael's birth.

Chandler: Well if you hadn't shot Michael out of your vagina like he was a cannonball, I would've seen him born.

Monica: I really don't want you to go.

Chandler: I really don't want to go either but I have to, it's my job. I'll be back late tonight. What are you doing today?

Monica: I'm going down to the restaurant to hand over the operations to Gretchen, then after that, nothing.

Chandler: That's good. Remember, Dr. Kaczmarek told you to stay off your feet. I'll see you when I get home. (Chandler kisses Monica goodbye)

Monica: Have a safe trip.

Chandler: Thanks. (Chandler goes out the door)

Monica (following him into the hall): And here's something to think about on your journey, we're having a boy and a girl.

Chandler (turning around): What?

Monica: We're having a boy and girl. The ultrasound was wrong. The other boy's penis fell off and now he is a she.

Chandler: How long have you know about this?

Monica: A couple of weeks. I wanted to wait for the right moment to tell you.

Chandler: And this is the right moment? As I'm leaving for Albany?

Monica: Yup. Have a good trip and I'll see you tonight.

OPENING CREDITS

ROSS & RACHEL'S FLAT (Ross and Caitlin are present)

Ross: Are you going to eat your breakfast?

Caitlin: No.

Ross: There won't be anything more to eat 'til lunchtime. Are you sure you don't want your breakfast?

Caitlin (pushing her plate away): No breakfast.

Ross: Ok. But don't come to me in an hour asking for a snack because the answer is going to be no.

(Monica and Michael enter)

Monica: Hey.

Ross: Aren't you supposed to be off your feet?

Monica: Did he tell everyone what the Doctor said?

Ross: What are you talking about? I was just looking at your ankles, they're really swollen. Don't they hurt?

Monica: Only for the past three weeks. I'm used to it now.

Ross: So today's the day you turn everything over to Gretchen.

Monica (unenthusiastically): Yeah.

Ross: Be a little more enthused why don't you.

Monica: It's just that I've put a lot of hard work into making Michael's Place successful and I don't want to see that hard work turn into a disaster.

Ross: But don't you trust Gretchen?

Monica: Yeah.

Ross: And didn't you handpick Gretchen to run the restaurant in your absence?

Monica: Yeah.

Ross: Then what are you worried about? Everything will be fine.

Monica: But I won't be there to control everything.

Ross: You know what you should do after you have the twins?

Monica: What?

Ross: See a shrink about your need to control things.

Monica (laughing): I'm not that bad. (now more serious) I'll think about it. I won't be long, maybe an hour or two.

Ross: Ok. If we're not here, we're at Central Perk.

Monica: Ok. I'll see you later. (Monica leaves)

Ross: How are you today Michael?

Michael: I want to play.

Ross: Then I'll take it that you're good.

Caitlin: Daddy?

Ross: Yes Caitlin?

Caitlin: Breakfast?

Ross: You just told me you didn't want breakfast.

Caitlin: Breakfast please.

Ross: Here you go. Here's your breakfast, again.

Caitlin: I don't want this.

Ross: Well that's all I have to offer you.

Caitlin: I don’t want this!

Ross (taking the plate from her): Then you don't have to have it.

Caitlin: I want breakfast!

Ross (putting her plate back down): Then eat this for breakfast or don't have anything at all.

Caitlin (pushing the plate away): I don't want this!

Ross: Ok. (picking up Caitlin) You've earned fifteen minutes in your room by yourself.

Caitlin: No!

Ross: It's too late sweetie, I gave you three chances and you struck out.

PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe, Joey and Jenna Jr. are present)

Phoebe: What do you want to do today?

Joey: I don’t know, what do you want to do?

Phoebe: If I knew what I wanted to do I wouldn't be asking you what you wanted to do.

Joey: But I don’t know what I want to do. I guess we can sit here until we come up with something to do.

Phoebe: That'd be neat. We'd be thinking of something to do while we're actually doing something.

Joey: What?

Phoebe: Thinking of something to do is doing something.

Joey: Oh, I totally didn't get that. That's absolutely brilliant.

Phoebe: I know!

MICHAEL'S PLACE (Monica and Gretchen are in the office talking)

Monica: Well I guess this is it. For the next ten weeks you're in charge of everything.

Gretchen: And you're still worried.

Monica: I'm not worried.

Gretchen: Everything's going to be fine. You've trained me well. And hey, it's not like I can't call you at home and ask for your advice on something.

Monica: I gave you my home number right?

Gretchen: You gave it to me everyday for the past month.

Monica: Just trying to be thorough.

Gretchen: Have you guys picked out names for the babies yet?

Monica: No. We're going to decide that this weekend. I just told Chandler this morning that we're having a boy and a girl.

Gretchen: You are? I thought you were having twin boys.

Monica: Well the penis on one of the boys fell off at the last ultrasound. Now we're having a boy and a girl.

Gretchen: How did Chandler react?

Monica: Like I ran him over with a Mack truck. But he'll be fine, he had five hours to think about it while he drove up to Albany.

Gretchen: I'm so happy for you. I know how much you wanted a little girl around the house.

Monica: I know, I can't wait!

Gretchen: Are you ok?

Monica: Um, I don't think so.

Gretchen: What's wrong?

Monica: My water just broke.

Gretchen: But you're not due for another month.

Monica: Well I don’t think this is a false alarm!

Gretchen: But you can't have the babies here!

Monica: That's why calling 911 would be a really good idea right about now!

Gretchen: I can do that! (picks up the phone and dials) Hello? (pause) Yes, we need an ambulance at 5334 Bleecker Street immediately. We have a woman who's just gone into labor. (pause) Yes, 5334 Bleecker Street. Thanks.

Monica: Give me the phone, give me the phone!

Gretchen: But I just called 911 for you!

Monica: I'm going to call Chandler!

Gretchen: Good idea!

SOMEWHERE ALONG THE NEW YORK INTERSTATE (Chandler is driving. He's two and a half hours from the City. His cell phone starts ringing. His cell phone is in his briefcase and he's having trouble getting it opened)

Chandler: God damn it, who in the hell is calling me! Why won't this thing open! (Chandler starts to veer into another lane. A horn sounds. Chandler swerves back into his lane) Jesus Christ! (The driver passes him and flips him off) F^ck you too buddy! (Chandler finally gets his briefcase open and answers the phone) Hello? (pause) Hey Mon. (pause) What! You're not due for another month! (pause) I'm half way there. (pause) I'll turn around and meet you at the hospital. Just hold the babies in until I get there. (pause) Well I know you really can't control that but you try to control everything else so I figured you could give it a shot. (pause) No, no, no, I didn't mean that in a bad way Monica. I'll meet you at the hospital. (pause) What do you mean you don't know what hospital you're going to? (pause) Oh. Then call me when you get to the hospital. (pause) Ok, ok, I'll call Ross and have him find out which hospital they brought you to. (pause) Ok, I love you. Bye. (hangs up) She wasn't kidding around this morning. (dials a number) Ross? (pause) Shut up and listen to me. Monica just went into labor but she doesn't know what hospital they're taking her to. I need you to find out which hospital and then I need you to call me back. (pause) Well take the kids with you. (pause) Do you think I care that she's in a timeout right now? I need your help! (pause) Ok, thank you. (hangs up) Sometimes he can be denser than Joey.

PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe, Joey and Jenna Jr. are present)

Phoebe: Let's go to the movies.

Joey: That's not a bad idea. We could see Bad Boys II.

Phoebe: Your going to take your daughter to a violent movie?

Joey: It's not like she's old enough to understand what's happening on the screen.

Phoebe: Well if she grows up to be a drug kingpin we'll know whom to blame. (The phone rings - Phoebe answers it) Hello? (pause) Hey dinosaur man what's up? (pause) Seriously? (pause) Ok, we'll meet you at Central Perk in ten minutes. (Phoebe hangs up)

Joey: What happened to going to the movies?

Phoebe: Monica just went into labor.

Joey: So? So what does that have to do with us? (Phoebe just looks at Joey) Oh, we should probably go to the hospital instead.

Phoebe: But the interesting part is we don't know what hospital the paramedics brought Monica to.

Joey: Then we should just go to the movies then. I'm not really in the mood for mystery type stuff right now.

Phoebe: You big lovable idiot, we're going to meet Ross and go to Michael's Place to speak with Gretchen to find out what hospital the paramedics took Monica to.

Joey: Could we get some lunch while we're there? (Phoebe just looks at Joey again) I didn't think so.

MICHAEL'S PLACE (Monica and Gretchen are present)

Monica: Where are the God damn paramedics! Do they not realize this is an emergency!

Gretchen: I'm sure they're on the way.

Monica: Are you sure you call 911? You didn't call 411 by mistake did you?

Gretchen: I called 911.

Monica: Then why aren't the stupid paramedics here yet!

(Ashley, the hostess enters the office)

Ashley: Monica, the paramedics are here. Should I send them back?

Monica: What kind of stupid question is that!

Gretchen: Don't take that personally Ashley, Monica's under a lot of stress. And yes, please send the paramedics back.

Ashley: Ok.

Monica: Who hired her?

Gretchen: You did.

Monica: What was I high on that day?

(the paramedics enter the office with a stretcher)

Paramedic #1: Hello, we got a call about a woman being in labor.

Gretchen: You're looking for her. That's Monica Bing.

Paramedic #1: Ok Ms. Bing, we're going to take you to the hospital now.

Monica: What took you guys so long? Did you stop for a doughnut on the way over here or something?

Paramedic #2: There was traffic ma'am, we got here as fast as we could.

Gretchen: What hospital are you taking her to?

Paramedic #1: Bellevue is the closest hospital so we're taking her there.

Monica: Call my brother Ross at 555-6756 and let him know. He'll be able to get a hold of Chandler.

Gretchen: Ok.

Paramedic #2: Ok, let's get you up on the stretcher. (Monica gets on the stretcher) Ok, let's roll.

Monica: Wait, wait! (the paramedics stop) Gretchen, I know this is a gross thing to ask you to do, but could clean up my chair?

Gretchen: Don't worry about it, I'll get someone to clean it up.

OUTSIDE OF CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Caitlin, Michael, Phoebe, Joey and Jenna Jr. are present. Caitlin and Michael are in a double stroller and Jenna Jr. is in her's)

Ross: Are you guys ready to go?

Joey: Can't we get some coffee first? (Ross and Phoebe just look at Joey) Boy, I'm asking a lot of stupid questions today.

Phoebe: Let's go. Where'd you get the double stroller from Ross?

Ross: Rachel and I just bought it since we're having another kid soon.

Phoebe: It's pretty fancy.

Ross: You know Rachel, she won't accept anything less than the best.

Phoebe: Speaking of Rachel, did you call her at work?

Ross: Damn, I forgot.

Joey: You know I could've gone in and got a coffee to go while you two stood here talking about strollers and Rachel. I mean hell, even I remembered to call Jenna to let her know about Monica.

(Ross just looks at Joey) Ok, let's go to Michael's Place.

Ross: Wait a sec.

Joey: Ok, now I could've gotten coffee and a muffin.

Ross (dialing his cell phone): I'm just gonna call the restaurant.

Phoebe: Ew, that's a great idea. That way we won't have to walk all the way down there.

Ross: Hi, could I speak to Gretchen please? (pause) This is Ross Geller, Monica Bing's brother. (pause) No, I am her brother. Monica has a different last name because she got married. Now could I speak with Gretchen please? (pause) Thank you. (to Phoebe) What kind of help does Monica hire down there?

Phoebe: Mostly idiots who are willing to work for minimum wage plus tips.

Joey: Hey that's some good money. Don't go mocking waiters, I was a waiter.

Ross: Gretchen? (pause) Hi, it's Ross Geller. Ah, what hospital did they take Monica to? (pause) Bellevue? (pause) Great thanks a lot. (pause) Yeah, I'll tell her when we get there. (hangs up the phone - to Joey and Phoebe) She was taken to Bellevue.

Phoebe: Are you sure?

Ross: Of course I'm sure. That's where Gretchen said that they were taking Monica.

Phoebe: But what if Gretchen is lying?

Ross: Why would Gretchen lie about something like this?

Phoebe: I don't know. To play a practical joke maybe?

Joey: Can we go to the hospital now? I'm absolutely starving. (Ross and Phoebe look at him weirdly) They have a cafeteria.

Ross: Whatever. Taxi!

SOMEWHERE ALONG THE NEW YORK INTERSTATE (Chandler is driving but traffic is moving very slowly)

Chandler: What the hell is going on? Do these people not realize that I'm in a rush? (his cell phone goes off) Hello? (pause) Hey Ross. Where did they take her? (pause) Ok. (pause) I'm trying to go as fast as I can but apparently some government worker thought it'd be funny to do road work today. (pause) I'm not gonna drive on the shoulder. It's illegal. (pause) I'll see you when I get there. (pause) I have no idea how far I am from the City. (pause) At least two hours. (pause) Yes, I know that Monica could have the babies in that time. I don't need you to remind me. Goodbye. (hangs up the phone) This is insane. The babies are gonna be a year old by the time I get to the hospital. (Chandler looks over his shoulder and then moves into the shoulder lane) Ah, smooth sailing. Now we're gonna make it on time. (A couple of minutes pass. Suddenly Chandler passes a State Trooper on his left) He didn't see me, please God, he didn't see me. (the State Trooper pulls onto the shoulder lane and turns on his emergency lights) Crap! He saw me! (Chandler stops the car and waits for the State Trooper to approach. The State Trooper taps on the window which Chandler rolls down) Something wrong officer?

Trooper: Are you in a hurry?

Chandler: Yes.

Trooper: And that's why you were driving on the shoulder.

Chandler: Yes.

Trooper: How long have you had your license sir?

Chandler: Seventeen years.

Trooper: So you're an experienced driver.

Chandler: I guess.

Trooper: And you know it's illegal to drive on the shoulder.

Chandler: It is?

Trooper: Don't play stupid with me sir. I'm not an idiot. Why were you driving on the shoulder?

Chandler: My wife went into labor in the City and I'm trying to get back before she has the babies.

Trooper: Ok, now you're just insulting my intelligence.

Chandler: No, no, no I'm not. That's the honest truth. Call Bellevue Hospital and ask if a Monica Bing is a patient there, you'll see that I'm not lying.

Trooper: May I have your license and registration please?

Chandler: Here's my license and here's my rental agreement.

Trooper: You mean to tell me that you're breaking vehicle code laws in a rental car?

Chandler: I was just trying to get to the hospital to be with my wife.

Trooper: I'll be right back with your ticket.

Chandler: That's the last time I take a suggestion from Ross. Drive on the shoulder he says, nothing will happen. Now the trooper's gonna take his time because I pissed him off. I'm gonna miss seeing my babies born because I had to go to Albany today. (pause) I should probably call Donna and tell her that I'm not going to be in Albany.

(the trooper returns to the car)

Trooper: Please sign here Mr. Bing. (Chandler does so) So you're wife went into labor in the City?

Chandler: Yes.

Trooper: Well you're never gonna make it in this traffic. The road work site is still two miles ahead.

Chandler: Well that's just fabulous.

Trooper: So this is what I want you to do. I want you to continue driving on the shoulder while I follow you with my emergency lights on.

Chandler: What?

Trooper: You want to see your baby being born don't you?

Chandler: Ah yeah.

Trooper: Then continue to drive on the shoulder until we get pass the road work site and then merge back onto the interstate. It should be smooth sailing from there.

Chandler: You're serious aren't you?

Trooper: Or you could just sit in traffic. It's your choice.

Chandler: Thanks. Thanks for doing this for me.

Trooper: Hey, you'll pay your $281 fine.

Chandler: $281?

Trooper: You'll never do this again will you?

Chandler: No sir.

Trooper: Then let's be on our way.

(the trooper goes back to his car)

Chandler: Ross, you owe me $281.

BELLEVUE HOSPITAL (Ross, Joey, Phoebe and the kids have arrived and have just entered Monica's room)

Ross: Jumping the gun a little bit aren't we?

Monica: Where's Chandler?

Ross: He's on his way back to the City. He'll be here as soon as he can.

Phoebe: Any contractions?

Monica: A few, nothing major. My doctor's not even here yet. Apparently she thought today would be a good day to get a round of golf in.

Phoebe (to Joey): See, that's what we should've done.

Joey: I don't know how to play golf.

Phoebe: Well I would've taught you.

(Jenna enters)

Jenna: I hope I'm not interrupting.

Monica: Come on in. The show has started yet.

Joey: Hey sweetie.

Jenna: I left work as soon as I got your call.

Ross: Damn it! I still haven't called Rachel!

Phoebe: Don't worry, I already called her for you.

Ross: What?

Phoebe: I called her about ten minutes ago while you were trying to figure out what room Monica was in.

Ross: Oh. Thanks.

Phoebe: Though she did ask why you weren't calling her.

Ross: And what did you say?

Phoebe: That you kept forgetting to call her.

Ross: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Well I couldn't lie to her, she's one of my best friends.

Ross: You lie all the time.

Phoebe: Well that's true too, but this time I told the truth.

Ross: She's gonna kill me.

Joey: So Monica, how long until the show starts?

Monica: I have no idea Joey. Why?

Joey: Because I need to make a cafeteria run.

Monica: You have plenty of time to go eat.

Joey: Great. I'll see you folks later. (Joey leaves)

(Dr. Kaczmarek enters the room)

Dr. Kaczmarek: Whoa! We have a full house in here.

Monica: Boy, am I glad to see you. I'm really worried. I'm a month early.

Dr. Kaczmarek: Everything's going to be ok.

Monica: Really?

Dr. Kaczmarek: Well at least I think so. (to the others) I could have a word in private with Monica please.

Ross: Sure. We'll wait out in the hall.

(Ross, Phoebe, Jenna and the kids leave the room)

Monica: What's wrong?

Dr. Kaczmarek: There's nothing wrong.

Monica: Then why do you need to speak to me in private?

Dr. Kaczmarek: Because there is the potential for some complications at delivery time.

Monica: Like what?

Dr. Kaczmarek: My main concern is that you've gone into labor a month early. Now this isn't the first time that an expecting mother has delivered early. We're not dealing with an exact science here. My concern is that the babies could not be fully developed.

Monica: What are you saying?

Dr. Kaczmarek: I'm saying that you may not be able to take your twins home with you after the birth. They may have to stay at the hospital for a few weeks until they've put on some weight.

Monica: Are you saying that they could die?

Dr. Kaczmarek: It's a possibility but highly unlikely. I'm sure that everything is going to be fine. I'm just trying to prepare you for the possible complications that may arise.

Monica: Complications? You just told me that my babies could die!

Dr. Kaczmarek: Ok Monica breathe. I merely said that there was a remote possibility of that happening. Most likely everything will be fine. You need to focus on the positive, not the negative.

Monica: Ok.

Dr. Kaczmarek: Now let's take a look and see how far you're dilated. (examines Monica) Ok, we've got a couple of hours to go. You're only at three centimeters. I'll be back in a half hour to check in on you. Just relax and think positive thoughts until then.

Monica: Ok.

(Dr. Kaczmarek leaves as Ross, Phoebe, Jenna and the kids re-enter the room)

Ross: Everything ok?

Monica: Everything's fine. I'm at three centimeters.

Phoebe: Hey look at that Ross, she's at three centimeters, the same size as your penis.

Ross: And she's past the size of your brain Phoebe.

Jenna: There are children present you two.

Ross: She started it.

(Rachel enters the room)

Rachel: Oh my God Monica, what are you doing having the babies a month early?

Monica: I'm as surprised as you Rachel.

Ross: Hey Rach.

Rachel: There he is, my loving husband who obviously doesn't know the phone number at my office.

Ross: I was going to call but things were happening so fast.

Jenna: They couldn't have been happening too fast, I mean Joey even remember to call me right away.

Ross: Thanks for the help Jenna. (to Rachel) Look, I'm sorry sweetie, I really wanted to call to let you know about Monica but things just kept happening.

Rachel: So you had your assistant Phoebe call me.

Ross: She did that on her own and didn't tell me.

Rachel: Yes, I recall her saying that you kept forgetting to call me when I asked her why she was calling me instead of you.

Ross: I'm sorry.

Rachel (kissing Ross): It's ok. I forgive you. (to Monica) How far dilated are you?

Monica: Three centimeters.

Rachel: Look at that honey, she's dilated to the same size as your penis.

Ross: I do not have a small penis!

Jenna Jr.: Penis.

Jenna: Did you hear that? She just said penis. My little girl just said her first word. Oh my God, my little girl's first word was penis.

Phoebe: Tell that to Joey and you'll see him beam with pride.

SOMEWHERE ALONG THE NEW YORK INTERSTATE (Chandler is approaching the City. He's on the phone to his boss, Donna)

Chandler: Donna, I understand that I was supposed to go to Albany today but like I already told you, my wife went into labor. (pause) Well I made an executive decision to turn around and head back to the City. I can go to Albany tomorrow. (pause) So what you're saying is that I shouldn't be present for the birth of my twin babies. (pause) Ok, I'll talk to you later. (hangs up the phone) I can't believe she just said that. How am I supposed to tell Monica to hold the babies in until late tonight? (A state trooper swoops right behind Chandler with his emergency lights on. Chandler moves over to let the trooper past but the trooper moves right behind Chandler again) Oh this is just great! (Chandler pulls the car over to the shoulder and waits for the trooper to approach the car. After a few minutes the trooper taps on the window which Chandler lowers) Good afternoon officer, how can I help you?

Trooper #2: Do you know how fast you were going?

Chandler: Just with the flow of traffic officer.

Trooper #2: The flow of traffic wasn't doing 80mph. May I see your license and registration please?

Chandler: There was no way I was going 80mph.

Trooper #2: Would you care to take a look at the radar gun in my car?

Chandler: Here's my license and the rental agreement for this car.

Trooper #2: So this is rented car.

Chandler: Yes ma'am.

Trooper #2: Do you think you should be speeding in a rented car?

Chandler: I didn’t think I was speeding officer. I’m merely trying to get back to the City to be with my wife who has gone into labor.

Trooper #2: That's your excuse?

Chandler: No, that's the truth.

Trooper #2: Very well. I'll be back with your citation in a few minutes.

(the trooper goes back to her car)

Chandler (to himself): This is getting to be a very expensive day on the interstate. (Five minutes elapses. Chandler is fidgeting in the car, repeatedly looking at his watch) Could you write any slower!

(the trooper comes back to Chandler's car)

Trooper #2: Sign here please. (Chandler does so) Thank you. Your court date is written at the bottom of this ticket should you decide to contest this citation.

Chandler: That's good to know thank you very much.

Trooper #2: Before you merge back onto the interstate, please gather up speed on the shoulder before moving back into traffic.

Chandler: Isn't it illegal to drive on the shoulder, because about an hour ago I got ticketed for driving on the shoulder. I wouldn't want to start doing that again and then have you pull me over for driving on the shoulder.

Trooper #2: Would you like me to find some more infractions with your vehicle sir?

Chandler: No ma'am. I'm sorry to have troubled you on this beautiful day.

Trooper #2: Please gather up speed on the shoulder before merging back onto the interstate. Have a good day Mr. Bing.

(the trooper goes back to her car)

Chandler (to himself): Well you succeeded in pissing her off. Hang in there Monica, I'm almost there.

BELLEVUE HOSPITAL (Ross, Joey, Phoebe, Rachel, Jenna and the kids are in Monica's room)

Rachel: How are you feeling Monica?

Monica: I think we're getting closer. Where in the hell is Chandler?

Ross: I just tried to call him but I only get his message service. But don't worry, he'll be here.

Joey: Ugh, I think I ate too much in the cafeteria.

Jenna: What did you eat?

Joey: Only three hamburgers and two orders of fries. I don't think I should've had that last order of fries.

Phoebe: I'm gonna take the kids for a walk. It looks like they're getting antsy.

Rachel: Thanks Phoebe.

Phoebe: Let's go Joey.

Joey: What?

Phoebe: You're going with me.

Joey: No I'm not!

Phoebe: Yes you are, now come on, let's go. I can't handle all these kids by myself.

Joey: Then take Jenna with you.

Phoebe: But I want you to come with me.

Jenna: Just go with her Joey, maybe you can walk off all that crap you just ate.

Joey: Fine. But I won't like it one bit Phoebe.

(Phoebe, Joey and the kids leave the room as Dr. Kaczmarek enters)

Dr. Kaczmarek: How are we doing Monica?

Monica: I'm extremely uncomfortable and the contractions are starting to come in clusters.

Dr. Kaczmarek: Hmm, it sounds to me like you're almost ready to start pushing. Let's see how we're doing down below. (to Ross, Rachel, and Jenna) Could you give us a minute?

Ross: Sure, no problem.

Rachel: We'll be right outside Mon.

(Ross, Rachel and Jenna leave the room)

Dr. Kaczmarek: Ok, let's see. Yes, you're fully dilated. It's only a matter of time now. Would you like an epidermal?

Monica: Yes please.

Dr. Kaczmarek: Wait a minute, we should've done that a half hour ago. It's too late now.

Monica: What!

Dr. Kaczmarek: I'm sorry, I messed up. God, that never happens to me. Ok, I'm going to go get my delivery team and we're going to get started.

Monica: No, no, we can't get started. Chandler isn't here yet.

Dr. Kaczmarek: The babies are coming now Monica. You can't hold them in like you have to go to the bathroom but can't find a clean toilet.

Monica: But I want Chandler here for the births!

Dr. Kaczmarek: He may still show up. In the meantime, I have to prepare for your delivery. I'll be back in five minutes.

(Dr. Kaczmarek leaves as Ross, Rachel and Jenna re-enter Monica's room)

Rachel: What did she say honey?

Monica (starting to cry): I'm going to have these babies without my husband being here!

Ross: Chandler will be here Monica. You just have to have faith.

Monica: What the hell do you know!

Rachel: Stop making her hysterical Ross.

Ross: I was only trying to tell her that Chandler will be here.

Rachel: Well it's not helping matters.

Jenna: Is there anything we can do for you Monica?

Monica: Yeah, you could beam my husband here right now!

Jenna: Anything else?

Monica: Just call him on his cell phone again.

Ross: I'll go call him outside.

(Ross leaves the room as Dr. Kaczmarek and three nurses enter the room)

Dr. Kaczmarek: Ok Monica, we're going to get set up and then you're going to try pushing.

Monica: I don't want to push!

Dr. Kaczmarek: Well you're going to have to try. (to Rachel and Jenna) You may stay in the room but please move to the back wall.

Rachel: Ok. Thanks for letting us stay.

BELLEVUE HOSPITAL - THE RECEPTION DESK (Chandler has arrived at the hospital)

Chandler (out of breath): Hi, I need to know the room number for Monica Bing please.

Receptionist: Please hold on a minute sir, I have to take this call. (answering the phone) Bellevue Hospital, how may I help you? (pause) Yes, you should definitely bring your partner into the emergency room. Foreign objects in the rectum can be very dangerous. Goodbye. (to Chandler) How can I help you sir?

Chandler: I need to know what room my wife is in. Her name is Monica Bing.

Receptionist: Ok. Let me look it up on the computer. Damn, the computer just froze.

Chandler: Well kindly unfreeze it!

Joey: Chandler! Where in the hell have you been?

Chandler: Joey! Where's Monica's room?

Joey: Upstairs.

Chandler: Upstairs where?

Joey: I don't know. I didn't look at the room number.

Chandler: What!

Joey: Hold on, let's go to the gift shop. Phoebe's there, she'll know where Monica is.

(Chandler and Joey quickly walk down to the gift shop. They spot Phoebe and the kids)

Chandler: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Where in the hell have you been!

Chandler: What room is Monica in?

Phoebe: 344.

Chandler: Thank you. (Chandler bolts out of the gift shop)

Phoebe: Well that was rude, he didn't even ask me how I was doing?

BELLEVUE HOSPITAL (Ross, Rachel, Jenna and Dr. Kaczmarek and her team are in Monica's room)

Dr. Kaczmarek: Ok Monica, it's time to push.

Monica: It hurts!

Ross: It's at times like these that I'm glad I'm a man.

Rachel: Because a man would never make it through childbirth alive.

(Chandler comes bursting into the room)

Chandler: Monica!

Monica: Where in the hell have you been!

Chandler: It's a long story, but I'm here now.

Monica: Come hold my hand!

Dr. Kaczmarek: Ok Monica, where going to start pushing again.

Monica: I don't want to!

Chandler: Just breathe honey and push.

(Monica starts pushing)

Dr. Kaczmarek: Ok, stop pushing Monica. I see the head. Ok, one final push.

(Monica pushes and bites Chandler at the same time)

Chandler: Ow!

Dr. Kaczmarek: Could I have suction please? (the nurse obliges) Thank you. Monica and Chandler, you have a baby boy. (hands the baby to the nurse)

Nurse #1: Five pounds, three ounces.

Dr. Kaczmarek: Ok Monica, we're going to relax for a minute before we begin pushing again.

Monica: Ah, I've decided to just keep this baby inside me for the rest of my life. I don't want to push anymore.

Chandler: But you have to push some more honey, our baby girl wants to greet the world.

Monica: I'm so tired.

Chandler: But you're doing great. (pause) Just do me one small favor, don't bite me this time.

Dr. Kaczmarek: Ok Monica, time to start pushing again.

(For the next ten minutes Monica pushes and stops and then starts again)

Chandler: You're almost there Monica. Hang in there.

Monica: Get this watermelon out of me!

Dr. Kaczmarek: Ok, time to start pushing again Monica. (Monica bears down and starts to push again) Stop! Stop pushing!

Monica: Make up your mind!

Dr. Kaczmarek: Ok, one final push.

Chandler: Come on sweetie, one final push and it will all be over. (Monica starts pushing again and once again bites Chandler) Ow!

Dr. Kaczmarek: Chandler and Monica, welcome your baby girl to the world.

Nurse #2: Five pounds, six ounces.

Chandler: You did it! You really did it!

Monica: Is it really over?

Chandler: Until the next time we have a kid. Wait a minute that's not possible anymore.

Dr. Kaczmarek: Here are your children Monica. Have you picked out names yet?

Monica: No, we haven't decided yet.

Dr. Kaczmarek: Very well. The babies will have to stay in the hospital for at least a week but other than that they are perfectly healthy. Congratulations to you both. The nurse will be back for the babies a little later.

(Dr. Kaczmarek and her team leave the room. Ross, Rachel and Jenna approach Monica and Chandler)

Rachel: Ah, look at how small they are.

Jenna: That was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

Ross: What took you so long in getting here Chandler?

Chandler: It's a long story, I'll tell it to you later.

(Phoebe, Joey and the kids enter)

Phoebe: Way to go Monica! We could hear you screaming downstairs.

Joey: That could've been me in the bathroom Pheebs.

Chandler: Come here Mikey, say hello to your new brother and sister.

Michael: Hi.

Monica: Guys, could Chandler, Michael and I have a moment to ourselves?

Rachel: Of course, we'll be out in the hall.

(Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey and Jenna leave the room)

Monica (to Chandler): I didn't think you were going to make it here.

Chandler: I wouldn't have missed it for the world and I have two traffic citations to show for it.

CLOSING CREDITS

BELLEVUE HOSPITAL (Ross, Rachel, Jenna, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and the kids are in Monica's room. Monica is asleep)

Ross: So you got pulled over twice?

Chandler: Yes. And I really pissed the second trooper off by being a smart aleck.

Phoebe: Yeah, they really don't like it when you do that to them.

Rachel: So have you picked out any names yet?

Chandler: No, we'll talk about it when Monica wakes up.

Jenna: What did Donna say when you told her that you turned around and headed back to the City?

Chandler: Merely to ask Monica to hold the babies in until late tonight when I returned from Albany.

Jenna: Sounds like Donna.

Joey: Well all this excitement has gotten me hungry again.

Jenna: I thought you said the hospital food made you sick?

Joey: It did, but a man has to eat when a man is hungry.