THE ONE WITH THE TRIP – PART I
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane
Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
AT A NEWSTAND IN FRONT OF CENTRAL PERK (Ross is buying a magazine)
Ross:Do you have the new issue yet Frank?
Frank:It’s right here. You know, you’re the only one who buys this magazine.
Ross:Wow! They put a Dinothere on the cover! Do you know how huge this is?
Frank:No. But I’m afraid you’re gonna tell me.
Ross:You see dinotheres became extinct during the Miocene period. (the camera pans to Frank who is obviously not listening) Dinotheres were elephant like mammals with tusks curving downward from the lower jaw. They didn’t even know this particular dinothere existed until two months ago. It was a major discovery. God, I can’t believe they put this on the cover.
Frank (sarcastically): That’s really interesting. Do you want a Penthouse or a Playboy with that? (Ross shakes his head no) That’ll be $5.50.
Ross: Here you go. See you next month Frank.
Frank: Looking forward to it you freak.
OPENING CREDITS
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Ross are present)
Monica: Where’s Ross Rach?
Rachel: It’s that time of the month.
Joey: I thought that only happened to women.
Chandler: It does Joey, it does.
Phoebe: Speaking of which, do you have a tampon Rach?
Rachel: No. I don’t need them right now.
Phoebe (confused): What? How is that possible?
Rachel: I’m pregnant.
Phoebe: That didn’t stop me from using them every month. (pause) How about you Mon?
Monica: Here. (hands her one)
Phoebe: Thanks.
Joey (to Phoebe): You mean we can’t have sex today?
Phoebe: Don’t worry honey, I’ll treat you just right.
Chandler (to Monica): See, Phoebe knows how to satisfy even when she can’t do everything.
Monica: Well as soon as you learn to please me every time, you won’t have that problem anymore.
(Ross enters)
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Did you get it?
Ross: It’s right here. They put a Dinothere on the cover.
Joey: What’s a Dinothere?
Ross: It’s a…..
Rachel (cutting off Ross): Please don’t get him started Joey.
Chandler (clapping): Let’s hear it for Rachel everyone.
Rachel: That’s great honey, but that’s not what I meant. Did you get the tickets?
Ross (disappointed): Yeah. I got the tickets.
Monica: Where are you guys going?
Rachel: Ben, Ross and I are going to California to see Brad and Jennifer.
Chandler: I wanna go! I love hanging out with Jennifer! They’re better than anyone I hang around here with.(notices Monica is glaring at him)Except my wife and our wonderful friends of course.
Monica: Nice save.
Chandler: I thought so too. (goes to kiss Monica who turns her head)Obviously it wasn’t good enough.
(Phoebe returns)
Phoebe: Hey Dr. Wethead. Where’s Ben?
Ross: I’m so glad that nickname is catching on.
Rachel: He’s spending the day at grandma’s.
Chandler: Carol and Susan are back?
Rachel: No he’s at my mom’s.
Joey: But that’s not Ben’s grandma.
Ross: Actually it is.
Joey: Man that’s one lucky kid. He has four grandmas and a great godfather. He’s gonna be one spoiled brat. (notices everyone is starting at him) Not that he isn’t a great kid already.
Monica: Anyway, when do you guys leave for California?
Rachel: In two days.
Phoebe: Where are you guys going?
Chandler: They’re going to see Brad and Jennifer.
Phoebe: Oh, I am so there!
Ross: You weren’t invited Phoebe.
Phoebe: I’m still going. We should all go.
Rachel: But you guys weren’t invited!
Phoebe: Great, it’s settled. We’re going to California.
Joey: Led Zeppelin rules!(everyone again stares at Joey) Come on, that’s a great song.
BRAD & JENNIFER’S RESIDENCE (Brad and Jennifer are having an argument)
Brad: You could’ve at least told me that they were coming. I have got an important meeting with my agent today.
Jennifer: Would you stop? I told you two days ago that Ross and Rachel were coming.
Brad: You didn’t tell me they were bringing their son.
Jennifer: It’s Ross’s son from his first marriage. He’s never been to California. He’s a cute kid, you’ll love him.
Brad: You agreed to do this just to blackmail me. You want kids right now and I don’t. This is some sinister plan on your part to make me wanna have kids.
Jennifer: Would I do that?
Brad: Yes you would.
Jennifer: The kid is seven, he’s not a baby.I bet you that you’ll have a blast with Ben. If you don’t, I won’t bring up the baby thing for another six months. Deal?
Brad: Prepare to lose your bet.
(The gang, sans Phoebe and Joey, have arrived outside)
Rachel: Now everyone be on their best behavior. Brad and Jen don’t know you guys are coming too.
Ross: You didn’t call to tell them!
Rachel: I forgot.
Ross: What? You forgot?
Rachel: Yes, I forgot.
Ross: How could you possibly forget?
Rachel: When you’re puking up your dinner, you tend to forget things.
Monica: She’s got a point there.
Ross: Shut up Mon.
Chandler: Are we just gonna stand out here or are we gonna let them know we’re here?
(Rachel knocks on the door. Jennifer opens it, very surprised to see everyone)
Jennifer (to Rachel): I see everyone found out you and Ross were coming to visit.
Rachel: Yeah, I hope you don’t mind.
Jennifer: No, not at all. That’s why we have fourteen bedrooms. Brad! Brad come help everyone with their stuff.
Monica: Are you sure it’s ok Jen? Chandler and I could grab a hotel in Hollywood.
Chandler: Mon, she said it’s ok.
Monica: Shut up Chandler!
Jennifer: Really, it’s ok. Come on in.
(Brad comes to the door)
Brad: Wow! You’re all here. And who’s this short little guy?
Ben (cowering behind Ross): I’m Ben. I’m seven. How old are you?
Brad: I’m 37.
Ben: You’re old. Why do you have such a big house?
Brad: So I can hide from my wife.
Ben: My daddy does the same thing. He hides from Mommy Rachel all the time.
Jennifer: Aren’t there two more of you? Where are Phoebe and Joey?
Rachel: Yeah, those two got arrested when they got off the plane.
Jennifer: For what?
Ross: Apparently joining the Mile High Club is illegal now.
Brad: Actually it’s always been illegal.
Jennifer: Those two are an item now?
Rachel: If they aren’t they shouldn’t have been in the bathroom.
Chandler: It also didn’t help their case that they fell out of the bathroom completely naked.
Ben: You could see Auntie Phoebe’s boobies.
Ross: Ben!
Ben: I’m just telling Brad what I saw!
Monica: Needless to say, Joey and Phoebe will be here as soon as they post bail.
TIME LAPSE (Joey and Phoebe have arrived)
Joey: We would’ve been here sooner but Phoebe demanded that the police produce all the evidence they had against us.It was humiliating.
Chandler: What was humiliating?
Phoebe: Apparently a passenger videotaped us when we fell out of the bathroom completely naked.
Chandler: And you had a problem with that Joey? You love videotaping your sexual escapades.
Phoebe: It was an 80-year old woman who videotaped the incident. The police brought her to the precinct as a witness. She was running around yelling that she could spot Joey’s penis in a line-up.
Joey: Needless to say that the line-up was humiliating.
Jennifer: They made you do it naked?
Joey: You got it. And apparently she fingered me right from the start. According to the record, she kept yelling, that’s the penis, that’s the penis. I could pick that penis out blindfolded! That hag hasn’t seen a healthy penis in 40 years!
Brad: No wonder she picked you out so easily.
Jennifer: Well it’s late, I’m off to bed. Don’t forget, we leave for Disneyland at 7:30.
Monica: I’m hitting the hay too. Let’s go Chandler.
Chandler: But I’m not tired!
Monica: Yes you are!
Chandler (threatened): Oh right, I’m totally beat.
Rachel: Ready to go to bed Ross?
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: What do you wanna do Joey?
Joey: Let’s go to bed.
Phoebe: Didn’t get enough of me on the plane?
Joey: No, it was the cab ride that wore me out.
DISNEYLAND (The gang has arrived)
Rachel: Ok, before we go in we have to set some ground rules.
Chandler: I thought that was Monica’s job. (Monica hits Chandler in the stomach) Hey that hurt!
Rachel: Since everyone wants to do there own thing, we’re gonna meet in front of Space Mountain at noon for lunch.
Joey: Where’s It’s A Small World?
Jennifer: In your pants.
Phoebe (to Joey): She must have been at your lineup last night.
Joey: You weren’t complaining on the plane, in the cab or in the kitchen last night.
Ross: Phoebe and Joey knock it off. There’s a little one present.
Jennifer: Yeah, it’s in Joey’s pants.
Brad: Jennifer!
Jennifer: Sorry, got carried away.
Monica: Can we go now?
Rachel: Yes, and remember, meet at Space Mountain at noon.
(Monica and Chandler run off in one direction and Phoebe and Joey the other leaving Brad, Jennifer, Ross, Rachel and Ben standing there.)
Ben: Can we go on some rides now?
Brad (to Ben): Do you wanna ride Space Mountain?
Ben: Yeah!
Brad: Let’s go! (Brad takes Ben’s hand and walks off)
Ross: Great I’m stuck with the ladies again.
Rachel: Oh honey, you can ride Space Mountain with Brad and Ben.
Ross: I don’t want to.
Jennifer: Why not? Are you afraid of heights or something?
Ross: No, I just had a bad experience once before.
Rachel (bursting into laughter): I totally forgot about that.
Ross: What’s so funny? You don’t know anything about it.
Jennifer: He threw up?
Rachel: No, he crapped in his pants!
Jennifer: He did? How old were you? Four?
Rachel: He was 22!
Jennifer: That has to be the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.
Ross: I had food poisoning! I’m going to, to, to….I’m leaving.
(Ross walks away in a huff)
Jennifer: Poor guy, were we too hard on him?
Rachel: He’ll be fine. Besides, he was walking over toward the restroom.
Jennifer: He must be having flashbacks already. So do you wanna hit Space Mountain?
Rachel: I’d love to but I can’t.
Jennifer: Why not? Are you pregnant or something?
Rachel: Actually I am.
Jennifer: Oh my God! Why didn’t you tell me on the phone?
Rachel: I wanted to surprise you. Surprise!
Jennifer: This is so great! I’m so happy for you! How far along are you?
Rachel: About six weeks.
Jennifer: How about we go to Pirates of the Caribbean? We could talk on the ride.
Rachel: Lead the way.
DISNEYLAND – SPACE MOUNTAIN RIDE (Brad and Ben are exiting the ride)
Ben: That was awesome. Can we do it again?
Brad: You wanna go again? We’ve already been three times. Don’t you wanna ride the Matterhorn.
Ben: Please Uncle Brad?
Brad: Let’s go again. (to himself)I should have never had that big breakfast.
DISNEYLAND – SKYWAY RIDE (Phoebe and Joey are riding high across the park)
Joey: I’m bored.
Phoebe: How can you say that? We’re at the best amusement park in the world!
Joey: Then how come you dragged me onto this ride? It’s slow, high in the air, and there’s nothing to do but sit and watch the people on the ground.
Phoebe: I know how can could have fun.
Joey (getting excited): Are we bungee jump off this ride?
Phoebe: No!
Joey: Forget it then, I’m gonna take a nap.
Phoebe: How about we get naked?
Joey: And get caught again? I don’t think so.
Phoebe: There’s no way they’re gonna catch us. We’re ten stories in the air. It’s not like they got video cameras up here.
Joey (excited): Then what are you waiting for?! Let’s get naked!
DISNEYLAND – IT’S A SMALL WORLD (Chandler and Monica are present)
Chandler: And right over there is where Ross and Carol got caught.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: No I made it up. (Monica hits him) But hey, I do know that this is the ride that they got off of and had sex behind the scenes.
Monica: You wanna do that too?
Chandler: Are you crazy?! Ross and Carol got kicked out!
Monica: I was just kidding.
Chandler: Really, cause I was totally there.
DISNEYLAND – PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN RIDE (Jennifer and Rachel are present)
Jennifer: How did it happen?
Rachel: Well Ross stuck his log in the flume….
Jennifer: I realize that Rach. I am familiar with how to have sex. Was it a romantic evening or just a wham bam thank you ma’am moment?
Rachel: I’m not really sure. We did it so much after we got married that I have no clue as to what specific time did the trick.
Jennifer: So you were doing it like 4 times a day?
Rachel: Pretty much. Sometimes we got up to 6 times a day.
Jennifer: That’s like rabbit territory. Anyway, I think it’s great. Do you guys have a name for the baby yet?
Rachel: No. Though I really like the name Caitlin if it’s a girl and Brady if it’s a boy.
Jennifer: What does Ross want to name the baby?
Rachel: Does it matter?
Jennifer: I guess not. (pause) I really want a baby but Brad doesn’t want kids right now.
Rachel: What about your career?
Jennifer: I figured I could take some time off, it’s not like we need the money.
Rachel: Don’t worry, Brad will come around.
Jennifer: Actually I have a bet with him.
Rachel: And?
Jennifer: If after Brad spends this time with your stepson and he still doesn’t want to have kids, well then I agreed to drop the whole kids thing for six months.
Rachel: But what if he has fun with Ben?
Jennifer: Then the baby-making sessions begin.
Rachel: That doesn’t sound like a fair bet.
Jennifer: What?
Rachel: That doesn’t sound like a fair bet for him. Ben is an absolute blast.
Jennifer: You think I’d make a bet that I knew I couldn’t win?
DISNEYLAND – SOUVENIR SHOP (Ross is browsing for a souvenir for Ben)
Ross (VO): They don’t have any good souvenirs. This place is nothing like Dino Kingdom in New York. At least there they have good souvenirs.All they have here are a bunch of Mickey Mouse crap. Mickey Mouse would get eaten alive by a dinosaur.
Woman (approaching Ross): Ross?
Ross (not turning around): I’m still busy being mad at you Rach.
Woman (touching Ross on the shoulder): Ross? It’s me, Julie.
Ross: Oh my God! Julie. It’s Julie everybody. Wow! Like what are you doing here?
Julie: I’m here with my nieces and nephews. What are you doing here?
Ross: The whole gang decided to take a trip to California to visit some friends and we decided to come to Disneyland for the day.
Julie: Who did you marry?
Ross: What?
Julie: You have a wedding ring on your left hand, who did you marry?
Ross: Don’t you mean whom?
Julie: I see you haven’t changed. Whom did you marry?
Ross: Rachel.
Julie: Oh. I guess I should’ve seen that one coming. So how long has it been?
Ross: Three months.
Julie: You guys dated for six years before you got married?
Ross: No. We broke up after one year and got back together a year and a half ago.
Julie: Why’d you break up the first time?
Ross: I really don’t want to talk about it.
Julie: Oh, ok.
Ross: I slept with another woman.
Julie: I see you graduated from kissing another woman.
Ross: Huh?
Julie: My attempt at humor. You kissed Rachel while we were still together.
Ross: And I’m still very sorry for that.
Julie: Don’t feel bad, you taking that vase up side the head helped me a lot.
Ross: Yeah, I had a headache for three days after that. (pause) Ah, I’m really hungry, do you wanna get some lunch?
Julie: I don’t know if we should.
Ross: Why not?
Julie: What if Rachel found out?
Ross: Why would she care, we’re married.
Julie: Ah, but Rachel doesn’t like me all that much.
Ross: It’s ok, I don’t like too much right now either.
Julie: What?
Ross: I’m kidding. She won’t mind at all. So do you wanna grab some lunch or not?
Julie: Ok. Lunch sounds good. There’s a taco place right over there, how does that sound?
Ross: No, that’s no good. The last time I had tacos here I got food poisoning. How ‘bout a burger or something?
Julie: That’s fine. Did you puke up your tacos on a ride or something?
Ross: Something like that.
Julie: You crapped your pants, didn’t you?!
Ross: No!
Julie: Oh my god! You crapped your pants!
DISNEYLAND – IN FRONT OF SPACE MOUNTAIN (Lunch time. Jennifer and Rachel are waiting for everyone.)
Rachel: What time is it?
Jennifer: It’s ten after twelve.
Rachel: No one’s gonna show.
Jennifer: If Brad knows what’s good for him, he and Ben will show.
Rachel: You could say the same thing for Ross.
(Brad and Ben exit Space Mountain)
Ben: Can we go again Uncle Brad?
Brad: No Ben, we have to meet your Mommy and Auntie Jennifer.
Ben: But I wanna go on the ride again.
Brad: We can’t Ben, I’m sorry.
Ben: Can we go after lunch?
Brad :Sure Ben, what ever you want.
(Brad and Ben approach Jennifer and Rachel)
Brad: Hey, sorry we’re a little late, Ben wanted to go on Space Mountain again.
Jennifer: So are you guys having fun?Have you been on tons of rides Ben?
Ben: No, just Space Mountain.
Rachel: You haven’t gone on any other rides Ben?
Brad: No we’ve been on Space Mountain over and over again all morning.
(Monica and Chandler approach)
Rachel: Where have you guys been? It’s 12:15!
Chandler: We would’ve been here on time but I forgot my watch and Monica was in charge of telling time.
Rachel: Oh, that explains everything.
Monica: Hey, in my defense I thought it was noon forty-five minutes ago.
Chandler: Yes, 11:30 looks a lot like noon on a watch!
Monica: Hey, I thought it was 6:00 at first but then I realized that was wrong. But the little hand was almost on the 12, so I thought it was noon.
Rachel: It’s ok Mon, you’re here now.
Chandler: Where’s Ross?
Rachel: I don’t know but he’s starting to piss me off.
(cut to Mickey’s Burgers)
Julie: It’s great seeing you again.
Ross: It’s great to see you too. We had a lot of fun together when we were dating.
Julie: Yeah, it’s too bad you were in love with someone else.
Ross: Again, I’m truly sorry for that.
(cut to in front of Space Mountain)
Monica: No sign of Phoebe and Joey?
Rachel: No. Though I expected them to be no-shows.
Brad: Why?
Chandler: Because they’re Phoebe and Joey.
DISNEYLAND - SECURITY OFFICE
Joey: You and your great ideas!
Phoebe: Hey don’t blame me, I didn’t now there were security cameras.
Joey: We are never having sex in public again!
Phoebe: What time is it?
Joey: It’s 12:20.
Phoebe: We were supposed to meet everyone at noon for lunch.
Joey: Well thanks to you that’s not gonna happen. Man, I’m so hungry! This is screwing up my eating schedule!
Phoebe: It’s not my fault!
Joey: Yes. Yes it is your fault!
Phoebe: Eat me!
Joey: That’s why we’re in here!
Joey: Thanks to you I have to spend the entire day in Disneyland jail!
Phoebe: Stop whining, it’s not that bad.
Security Officer (escorting an elderly lady in): Right this way ma’am.
Joey: Oh crap, it’s the woman from the airplane.
Phoebe: How do you know?
Elderly Woman (pointing at Joey): That’s him! That’s the one who can’t keep his thing in his pants!
Phoebe: I guess she remembers you.
Joey: Well I do have impressive equipment.
Security Officer: Knock off the chatter in there you two.
Phoebe: This isn’t Russia you know! This is America, I can talk if I want to!
Joey: Shut up Phoebe!
Security Officer: Thanks for your help Mrs. Disney. I’ll ensure that these two get escorted out of the park immediately.
Phoebe: Oh my God, Mrs. Disney has it out for your thing.
Joey: She joins the list of many.
DISNEYLAND – MICKEY’S BURGER
Julie: This is fun.
Ross: Huh?
Julie: This. Seeing you again, it’s fun.
Ross: Yeah, it is, isn’t it?
Julie: What’s the matter?
Ross: I just remembered that I was to meet Rachel in front of Space Mountain at noon.
Julie: Well it’s 1:00, it looks like you missed her.
Ross: She’s gonna kill me.
Julie: Yeah, and I don’t wanna be around for that. Maybe I should I go?
Ross: It’s too late for that, there she is. Crap, she’s walking this way!
Julie: Is that Jennifer Aniston walking with her?
Ross: Yeah, the gang came to visit her and Brad.
Julie: You actually know Brad Pitt?
Ross: Yeah. Not for much longer though.
Rachel (entering the eatery): Ross Geller! Get your ass over here right now!
Ross: It’s been nice knowing Julie you, take care.
Jennifer (to Rachel): Whatever you do don’t kill him here, they’ve got real strict security.
Ross: Hey honey, I was just gonna look for you.
Rachel: Don’t “hey honey” me you jerk. You were supposed to meet us an hour ago!
Ross (innocently): Calm down. I forgot. I’m sorry.
Rachel: Calm down?
Ross: You’re making a scene.
Rachel: So?
Ross: So it’s embarrassing.
Rachel: So what. Who’s the little missy you’ve been having lunch with?
Ross: What missy?
Rachel: The one you were sitting at that table with?
Ross: Oh her, she’s just a person I met while buying souvenirs.
(Julie approaches)
Julie: Hey Rachel, it’s great to see you again.
Rachel: Who are you?
Julie: It’s me, Julie, Ross’s ex-girlfriend. He left me to be with you.
Rachel: Just some person you met at the souvenir shop eh?
Ross: I guess it’s one to one on the lying thing now?
Rachel: Well I hope you two have a good day together. Make sure Julie gives you a ride home Ross, ‘cause you’re gonna need it. (to Jennifer) Let’s go Jen.
Ross: Rachel, Rachel wait!
Jennifer: I’ll talk to her Ross. Meet us at the exit at 4:00.
Julie: I’d better go. It was good seeing you Ross.
Ross: Sorry about this Julie.
Julie: It’s ok. Some things never change.
Ross: Huh?
Julie: Face it, Rachel never did like me. Goodbye Ross.
DISNEYLAND – THE MATTERHORN (Ben and Brad are present and sitting in a coaster car)
Ben: Is this ride gonna be as scary as Space Mountain?
Brad: Do you want it to be?
Ben: Yeah.
Brad: Then it’s gonna be even scarier.
Ben: Can I close my eyes?
Brad: You can do whatever you want buddy.
Ben: Can I be like my Dad and scream like a girl?
Brad: Your Dad does that?
Ben: He’s always screaming like my Mommies.
DISNEYLAND – SKYWAY RIDE (Chandler and Monica are riding high across the park)
Monica: I’m really worried.
Chandler: Why?
Monica: ‘Cause we haven’t seen Joey or Phoebe since they left the group this morning.
Chandler: I’m sure they’re fine. Knowing them they’re probably off having sex someplace quiet.
Monica: You’re probably right. (pause) Can I ask you a question?
Chandler: Do I have a choice?
Monica: Not if you don’t wanna see me naked again in this lifetime.
Chandler: Well that makes it an easy answer. What’s up?
Monica: Has the spontaneity in our sex life diminished since we got married?
Chandler: Do I have to answer truthfully?
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: Yes, it’s become totally predictable.
Monica: I feel that way too.
Chandler: But that’s ok, because I love you and that’s all that matters.
Monica: You’re full of crap.
Chandler: And I’ll have sex with you whenever and wherever you want.
Monica (pulling down her pants): Then drop your drawers buddy, we’re gettin’ busy right here and now.
Chandler: What are you doing?!
Monica: We’re having sex on this ride. Drop your pants.
Chandler: We’re gonna get caught!
Monica: No we’re not. We’re high in the air and they don’t have cameras up here. Now strip!
Chandler: Ok, ok, you win!
DISNEYLAND – IT’S A SMALL WORLD (Rachel and Jennifer are present)
Rachel: I don’t even want to be here anymore. Ross has ruined my whole day.
Jennifer: It’s not that bad Rachel. So he had lunch with an ex-girlfriend, so what? He’s married to you. It’s not like he cheated on you.
Rachel: Who’s side are you on?
Jennifer: I’m not on anyone’s side. I’m just trying to make you see reality.
Rachel: The only reality I see is Ross having lunch with Julie and lying to me about it.
Jennifer: Have you ever lied to him since you got married?
Rachel: What does that matter?
Jennifer: I’ll take that as a yes.
Rachel: Look, this is entirely different. We’re on a vacation together, he shouldn’t be off having lunch with an ex-girlfriend. He should be having lunch with his pregnant wife.
Jennifer: I agree.
Rachel: Then why are you defending him?
Jennifer: I’m not defending Ross.
Rachel: You so are!
Jennifer: I think the real problem is that you don’t like the person he had lunch with.
Rachel: That’s not true.
Jennifer: Didn’t you say he had lunch with Julie?
Rachel: Yeah. So?
Jennifer: And isn’t Julie the girl that Ross was with prior to being with you the first time you guys dated? The girl he came back from China with?
Rachel: Yes. (pause) How in the hell did you remember all that?
Jennifer: It’s a gift. I never forget a conversation.
Rachel: When did we ever talk about Julie?
Jennifer: You and I didn’t. I had the conversation with Ross at dinner that first night that I met you.
Rachel: You did?
Jennifer: No, I’m making this all up. Of course we did. Ross explained to me how he dumped Julie because he wanted to be with you. He also told me about the stupid list he made with Chandler and Joey’s help. Then he told me about that day that you guys finally got together.
Rachel: This is unbelievable.
Jennifer: I’m an unbelievable person. And you don’t like Julie do you?
Rachel: Not really. What else did he say?
Jennifer: After you walked away earlier, he said “tell Rachel I’m sorry, that I screwed up and I love her”.
Rachel: Fine, he can have a ride home, but I’m still gonna make him think that I’m mad at him.
Jennifer: That’s the spirit! See, you’re learning.
Rachel: I take it that you’ve done this before.
Jennifer: Yeah, I get mad at Brad all the time.
DISNEYLAND – THE BUMPER CARS (Brad and Ben are about to get in line. Ross approaches)
Ben: There’s Daddy!
Brad: Where?
Ben (pointing): Right there!
Brad: Ross!
Ross: Hey guys! Having fun with Uncle Brad Ben?
Ben: Yeah, we’ve been on tons of rides.
Ross: That’s great! (to Brad) How are you holding up?
Brad: Fine, your son is an absolute blast. Hey we missed you at lunch.
Ross: Yeah, I’m in trouble for that.
Brad: Yeah, I know. Don’t feel bad, I’m with trouble with Jennifer all the time, I can totally relate to what you’re going through.
Ross: So are you guys going on the bumper cars?
Ben: Yeah! Are you gonna come Daddy?
Ross: You betcha.
Ben: And it shouldn’t be scary Daddy so you won’t have to scream like a girl like you usually do.
DISNEYLAND – SECURITY OFFICE (Chandler and Monica are being brought in. Phoebe and Joey are also present)
Monica: You’ve got nothing on us! You might as well let us go.
Chandler: Yeah, we didn’t do anything wrong.
Security Officer: Look, we’ve got you two having sex on tape.
Phoebe: Monica! Joey look, it’s Monica and Chandler!
Joey: Dude, welcome to the party!
Monica (to the Security Officer): We honestly don’t know those two.
Chandler: We’ve been wondering what happened to you two. Sex on the SkyWay?
Joey: Yeah. It was Phoebe’s idea. She said there were no cameras.
Chandler: That’s exactly what Monica said!
Security Officer: Ok, (to Joey and Phoebe) let’s go you two. I’m throwing the four of you out of the park.
Joey: Can’t we stop and get something to eat first?
Security Officer: Ah, no.
Phoebe (to Monica): Did you guys get to finish?
Monica: Yeah, it’s Chandler after all.
Phoebe: You’re so lucky. The ride ended before we could finish.
DISNEYLAND - THE EXIT (Brad, Ross and Ben are waiting for the rest of the gang)
Ross: Where’s everyone else, it’s 4:03, they’re late.
Brad: Relax Ross, they’ll all be here.
Ross: I just know that Rachel’s still mad at me. Do you have a comfortable couch at your place?
Brad: Yeah, why?
Ross: Because that’s where I’m sleeping tonight.
Brad: Not if I beat you to it.
Ross: Is Jen mad at you?
Brad: Not yet, but the day is still young.
Ben: Hey, there’s Uncle Joey!
Ross: Where?
Ben (pointing): Right there on the other side of the gate.
Ross: Joey! (no reaction from Joey) Joey!
Joey: Hey guys. Are you coming out here?
Ross: Yeah, as soon as everyone else shows up. What are you doing out there?
Joey: I got kicked out of the park for having sex on a ride. Oh, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica are here with me too. They got busted for the same thing.
Brad: Which ride did you do it on?
Joey: The SkyWay.
Ross: How long have you been waiting for us?
Joey: A couple of hours. Do you have any food?
Ross: No.
(Rachel and Jennifer approach)
Rachel: Are you guys ready to go?
Ross: You’re late!
Rachel: Are you talking to me?
Ross: No, not really.
Rachel: I didn’t think so.
Jennifer: Where are Joey and Phoebe and Monica and Chandler?
Brad: They’re already in the parking lot. They got kicked out for having sex on a ride.
Jennifer: The SkyWay?
Brad: What else would it be?
Rachel: If it is was Ross it would’ve been It’s A Small World.
Ross: Are you gonna let go of my past at all today?
Rachel: You’re the one who brought the past up.
Jennifer: Well I guess we’re ready to go.
Brad: Do you wanna ride on my shoulders Ben?
Ben: Yeah!
Jennifer (to Rachel): And the baby-making sessions are on.
BRAD & JENNIFER’S RESIDENCE (Everyone is present and having dinner)
Monica: This is really good Jen.
Jennifer: Don’t thank me, thank Boston Market.
Phoebe: Thanks for making me a salad Brad.
Brad: Not a problem Pheebs.
Chandler: Hey Ben, did you get your picture taken with Mickey Mouse?
Ben: No way, Mickey Mouse is for girls.
Monica: Don’t feel bad Chandler, I’m sure a lot of grown men got their picture taken with Mickey Mouse.
Ross: Could you pass the mashed potatoes Rach?
Rachel: Huh?
Ross: Could you pass the mashed potatoes please?
Rachel (taking a spoonful of potatoes and throwing it at Ross): Here you go.
Ross (getting up from the table): What’s your fucking problem?
Ben: Daddy don’t swear!
Joey: Whoa! No one throws food around here unless it’s me.
Rachel (who notices everyone is staring at her): What? He said pass the potatoes.
Ross: Why don’t you go fuck yourself Rach! (Ross leaves the kitchen and goes outside)
Joey: Chandler, pass the chicken. (now everyone stares at Joey) What? I’m hungry. Ross will come back.
Ben (starting to cry): Mommy, don’t leave Daddy again!
Rachel: Come here honey, Mommy’s not leaving Daddy. I’m sorry everyone, I’m gonna go talk to Ross. (Rachel hugs Ben and gets up from the table)
TIME LAPSE - (Rachel has returned without Ross)
Jennifer: Did you guys kiss and make-up?
Rachel: No, I couldn’t find him.
Joey: Maybe he went….where’s a place that he could’ve gone to around here Brad?
Brad: Maybe he went to Starbucks.
Joey: Yeah, there you go Rachel, he went to Starbucks.
Rachel: No, he wasn’t there.
Monica: How do you know?
Rachel: I stopped there for a latte while I was out looking for him.
Chandler: Is there a whorehouse nearby?
Rachel: Chandler!
Chandler: Sorry, I was trying to lighten up the place.
Monica: Go to your room Chandler!
Chandler: But….
Monica: Now!
(Chandler gets up to go upstairs)
Ben (teasing): Ha, ha, you got in trouble, you got in trouble!
Rachel: Do you wanna join him Ben?
Ben (afraid): No.
Rachel: Then knock it off! This is serious, you’re Daddy is missing. Mommy has to find him before he gets into any trouble.
Phoebe: Come here Ben, I’ll protect you from the wicked stepmother.
Rachel: Phoebe, not now!
Phoebe: Don’t yell at me, you’re the one who threw the mashed potatoes at him.
Jennifer: Maybe he went to the Hilton.
Rachel: Where’s that?
Brad: The closest one is in Hollywood.
Phoebe: Why don’t you call there and see if he has checked in.
Rachel: Good idea, what’s the number?
Phoebe: What do I look like, a phone book?
Jennifer: The phone book is in the kitchen Rach.
Rachel: Thanks. (Rachel goes off to the kitchen)
Brad: This has been a weird day. Do they always fight like this?
Phoebe: No. That’s the first time I’ve ever seen Rach that upset.
Joey: What about the time he slept with Chloe?
Phoebe: Ok, this is the second time I’ve seen Rach this upset.
BRAD & JENNIFER’S RESIDENCE (Rachel is calling the Hilton)
Rachel: Hi. Ah, this is Rachel Green, I mean Rachel Geller. Did a Ross Geller check in there tonight? (pause) Are you sure? (pause) Ok, thanks anyway.
Jennifer: Was he there?
Rachel (tears filling her eyes): No. What have I done? I’m gonna lose the only man I’ve ever loved.
Jennifer: Who knows, maybe he checked in under an alias. This is Hollywood you know.
Rachel: Like what?
Jennifer: I don’t know, Dr. Ben Dover?
BRAD & JENNIFER’S RESIDENCE (The next morning. Everyone but Rachel has gathered in the kitchen)
Chandler: Hey Jen, did you know that your kitchen is bigger than our apartment? Wanna trade?
Jennifer: Yeah right.
Monica: I could do culinary wonders in this kitchen. Imagine the meals I could make for you Chandler.
Chandler: Yes, you could make a mean grilled cheese sandwich on this griddle.
Monica: That’s not what I meant!
Chandler: Lighten up.
Brad: Where’s Rachel?
Joey: Maybe she’s in the shower.
Phoebe: Nah, she went to look for Ross this morning.
Joey: How do you know?
Phoebe: She told me.
Joey: Oh. (pause) Did she shower first?
Brad: What does that have to do with anything?
Joey: You know, she’s gonna wanna be clean if she finds him. Ross isn’t gonna wanna have sex with a dirty Rachel.
Monica: Joey! Ben’s right here!
Ben: It’s ok Auntie Monica, Mommy and Daddy have sex when I’m around all the time.
Chandler: They do?
Ben: Yeah, they’re always kissing and hugging and kissing and stuff.
Jennifer: Little kids are so cute.
Ben: And occasionally Daddy grabs Mommy’s butt and then they tell me to watch TV for awhile. They think I don’t know, but I know that Daddy’s playing hide the salami with Mommy.
Monica: Ben! Where did you learn that?
Ben: Uncle Joey told me.
All (but Joey and Ben): Joey!
Joey: Man, it’s really hot in here, I’m gonna go out back. (Joey leaves)
Chandler: The kid is seven and he knows more about sex than I do.
Monica: That’s not saying much.
Jennifer: Ok, what are we gonna do today?
Brad: Shouldn’t we help Rachel find Ross?
Jennifer: We could do that. But I think Rachel would’ve asked for our help if she wanted it. I know, we could go down to Burbank Studios and watch the taping of Fraiser. I know one of the Executive Producers, I’m sure she’d let us in for the taping. What da ya say?
Chandler: I love that show! That would be great!
Monica: You’re just saying that because you have a thing for Jane Leeves.
Chandler: I do not!
Monica: Please, I’ve seen you kissing the pillow while sitting on the couch while you’re watching that show.
Phoebe (to Chandler): You are so sad.
Chandler: Oh yeah, well Monica watches old CHIPS re-runs because she has a thing for Erik Estrada!
Brad: Well as enlightening as this conversation is, what do guys want to do?
Phoebe: Let’s go to the taping.
Monica: I don’t wanna go anywhere now.
Phoebe: Stop being a baby Erik lover, you’re going.
Chandler: Ha!
Phoebe: What are you scoffing at pillow lover?
HILTON HOTEL – HOLLYWOOD (Rachel is checking with the front desk again)
Rachel: Hi. I’m checking to see if a Ross Geller checked in here last night.
Clerk: I’m sorry, but no Ross Geller has checked in.
Rachel: How about Dr. Ross Geller?
Clerk: I’m sorry ma’am, he hasn’t checked in.
Rachel: How about this. Have any male guests that are approximately 6’2” tall with dark hair checked in the past twenty-four hours?
Clerk: Ma’am there’s a college basketball tournament in town and many of the guests here at the hotel are those basketball players. We could spend all day gathering that list.
Rachel: Fine, thanks anyway. (Rachel turns to leave then comes back to the counter) Wait, how about this, did a Ross Dinothere check in?
Clerk: Ma’am I have other guests to accommodate.
Rachel: Just check!
Clerk: Fine, fine. (pause) Yes, a Mr. Ross Dinothere checked in last night.
Rachel: What room? What room?
Clerk: Room 669.
Rachel: What floor is that on?
Clerk: The sixth.
Rachel: Thanks.
BURBANK STUDIOS – THE SET OF FRAISER (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present)
Jennifer: Everyone, I’d like to introduce you to Kelsey Grammer. Kelsey, this is everyone.
Kelsey: Hello. So Jennifer says your visiting from New York City. I really love New York. (to Ben) And who are you?
Ben: I’m Ben. I’m seven. How old are you?
Monica: Ben, you know you don’t ask grown-ups that question.
Kelsey (to Monica): You must be Ben’s mom.
Monica: No, I’m his aunt.
Ben: I have three Mommies.
Kelsey: You do?
Ben: Yup, my lesbian Mommies are Carol and Susan and I have Mommy Rachel.
Kelsey: That’s gotta be the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard. Are you sure you’re not from San Francisco?
Joey: That whole thing still confuses me.
Phoebe: Joey, the wind changes direction and you get confused.
Chandler: Ah, where’s Jane Leeves?
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: What? I just wanted to see if I could meet her.
Kelsey: Jane’s left already. She had to get home to her kids. So you’re a big fan of hers?
Chandler (sheepishly): Yeah.
Joey: Yeah he makes out with a pillow whenever he sees her on your show.
Chandler: Joey!
Joey: Well you do.
Brad: Well we better let Kelsey get on his way, I’ve got a surprise for you guys that I think that you’ll like. Thanks Kelsey.
Kelsey: It’s my pleasure. It’s great meeting all of you and have fun in Hollywood. Take care. (Kelsey leaves)
Jennifer: What’s this surprise Brad?
Brad: Well if I told you it wouldn’t be a surprise now would it?
HITLON HOTEL – HOLLYWOOD (Rachel has found Ross’ room. She knocks on the door, Ross opens it)
Ross: Oh, it’s you.
Rachel: I’m happy to see you too. Can I come in?
Ross (walking back towards the bed): Whatever.
Rachel: I missed you last night.
Ross: No you didn’t, the mashed potatoes hit me square in the chest.
Rachel: That’s not what I meant.
Ross: What do you want?
Rachel: You’re mad at me?
Ross: No, I’m just being hostile for the fun of it.
Rachel: Look, I’m sorry I threw the mashed potatoes at you. I was upset about the whole Julie thing.
Ross: Ok.
Rachel: So will you come back to the house?
Ross: No, I think I’m gonna stay here. It’s against the rules in the restaurant to throw food so I know I’ll be safe.
Rachel: You know what, I didn’t come down here to argue with you. If you want to be a stubborn mule, then be one. Just don’t ruin my and your son’s vacation.
Ross: Ok. See you later.
Rachel: I’m not coming back.
Ross: Ok.
Rachel (bursting into tears): Why are you doing this to me? I’m your wife. Talk to me!
BURBANK STUDIOS – THE TONIGHT SHOW SET (The gang, except for Brad, Ross and Rachel are sitting in the studio)
Joey (whispering to Jennifer): Where’s Brad?
Jennifer (whispering back): I don’t know.
Joey: You’re lying.
Jennifer: Yes I am, watch the show.
Jay Leno: My next guest is a major movie star and married to one of the hottest actresses in the business. He’s here to promote his new movie Ocean’s Eleven which hits theaters on Friday. Ladies and Gentlemen, Brad Pitt.
Ben (to Monica): Hey, that’s Uncle Brad up there!
Monica: Yes it is. Now we have to be quiet, ok?
Brad: Hi Jay, how are you?
Jay Leno: I’m good. It’s great to see again. So, you’ve got a big movie opening in theaters on Friday.
Brad: Yeah. It’s a remake of the 1960 brat pack film Ocean’s Eleven. George Clooney was putting an all-star cast together and he asked me to play a role in the film.
Jay Leno: Julia Roberts is also in the film.
Brad: Yeah, Julia was great to work with.
Jay Leno: How was the missus with that?
Brad: Why don’t you ask her yourself, she’s right over there.
Jay Leno: Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer come on up here.
Jennifer: That’s ok.
Jay Leno (going into the audience to get Jennifer): Come on Jennifer.
Jennifer (now on the couch next to Brad): I’m gonna get you for this.
Jay Leno: So how are the two of you doing?
Jennifer: We’re doing great. Actually, we’ve decided to have kids.
Brad: We have?
Jay Leno: Sounds like you two have some talking to do. So what are you up to Jennifer?
Jennifer: I just finished shooting a film called The Good Girl.
Jay Leno: Brad was telling me backstage that there’s a daytime soap star in the audience today.
Jennifer: Yes, there is.
Chandler (to Phoebe): They’re talking about Joey.
Phoebe: He’s finally gonna get his big break.
Jay Leno: Should we invite him up here?
Brad: The more the merrier.
Jay Leno: Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s welcome Joey Tribbiani who plays Dr. Ross Greco on the daytime soap opera General Hospital.
(The spotlight hits Joey in the audience and lo and behold, Joey’s eating a sandwich)
Chandler: Joey, get up and go onstage, they’re waiting for you.
Joey: Not now dude, I’m eating.
Phoebe: Give me that sandwich, get up there now!
(Joey gets up and the audience applauds. Joey sits next to Jay as Brad and Jennifer move over)
Jay Leno: How’s it going Joey?
Joey: Pretty good.
Jay Leno: You’ve come a long way since they dropped your Days of Our Lives character Dr. Drake Remoray down the elevator shaft.
Joey: Yeah, I can actually pay my bills now.
Jay Leno: So what’s in store for your character on General Hospital?
Joey: The producers are talking about having my character discover the cure for the Ebola virus.
Jay Leno: How are they gonna do that?
Joey: Beats me, I haven’t seen the script yet.
Jay Leno: Spoken like a true actor. We’ll be right back with Jane Leeves of Fraiser.
Chandler (to Monica): Did you hear that, Jane Leeves is on the show!
Monica: It’s too bad you left your pillow at home.
HITLON HOTEL – HOLLYWOOD (Rachel and Ross are just staring at one another)
Rachel: So you have nothing to say?
Ross: Not really. I thought you were leaving.
Rachel: Damn it, what do you want me to say?!
Ross: I don’t want you to say anything. I just want to be left alone.
Rachel: Do you want out of this marriage?
Ross: No.
Rachel: Then what the hell are you doing?!
Ross: I’m enjoying my vacation.
Rachel: What?
Ross: I said I am enjoying my vacation.
Rachel: I heard you the first time.
Ross: Then why did you say “what”?
Rachel: You know what, I am leaving. Oh and another thing, for better or worse means something to me. If you didn’t mean it when you said it, then you’ve got more problems then me not liking the fact that you had lunch with an ex-girlfriend instead of your pregnant wife. Goodbye Ross.
Ross: Rachel, why do you hate Julie so much?
Rachel (surprised): I don’t hate Julie.
Ross: Then why’d you throw food at me?
Rachel (shutting the door and sitting down on the bed next to Ross): Ok, so I hate her a little bit.
Ross: Why, what did she ever do to you?
Rachel: She tried to steal the only man I’ve ever loved from me.
Ross: She tried to steal Barry?
Rachel: That’s not funny.
Ross: I thought it was.
Rachel: Do you want the truth?
Ross: I think I’m entitled to it.
Rachel: Ok here it goes. Julie’s the only ex-lover of yours that I’ve ever felt threatened by.
Ross: Julie?
Rachel: Yes.
Ross: Why?
Rachel: Because she’s into dinosaurs, she’s pretty, she’s very smart and you two got along so well together.
Ross: And the fact that I broke up with her to be with you doesn’t carry any weight at all?
Rachel: Of course it does.
Ross: Then why do you still feel threatened by her?
Rachel: Let me put it this way, how would you feel if I had lunch with Mark?
Ross: You’d sleep on the couch for a week.
Rachel: See, you still feel threatened by Mark.
Ross: That’s different. Mark broke us up the first time. Julie never did that to us.
Rachel: No, you sleeping with the Copy Girl broke us up the first time.
Ross: What’s your point?
Rachel: The point is that yes, I still feel threatened by Julie and me seeing you with her sets off all sorts of jealous alarms in my head. I feel that if you’re around her for an extended period of time, you’ll leave me for her.
Ross: I would never leave you for her. I might leave you for Tea Leoni, but not her.
Rachel: The one from Jurassic Park 3? I’d leave you for her too.
Ross: Look, I love you and only you. Julie’s from my past but, like you with Mark, she’s my friend. I didn’t have lunch with her to get even with you for embarrassing me in front of Jennifer, I had lunch with her because she’s a friend.
Rachel: And I didn’t throw food at you because I was upset that you long for Tea Leoni, I threw food at you because you had lunch with Julie and I got stood up.
Ross: And I said I was sorry for that yet you still felt the need to throw mashed potatoes at me.
Rachel: And I am sorry for that.
(long period of silence)
Ross: Where’s everyone else?
Rachel: I don’t know. I left the house before anyone else was up.
Ross: Did you shower?
Rachel: Ah no.
Ross: Damn.
Rachel: Is that bad?
Ross: Well we can’t have sex.
Rachel: Why not?
Ross: Because you didn’t shower.
Rachel: So?
Ross: It’s gross, you’re all dirty.
Rachel: How about we shower here?
Ross: We?
Rachel: You think I’m gonna shower by myself?
BRAD & JENNIFER’S RESIDENCE (Everyone is present. The gang is getting ready to leave for New York)
Joey: Thanks for letting us stay Brad and Jen.
Brad: Not a problem. We enjoyed having you guys.
Phoebe: Don’t forget about the bed Joey.
Joey: Right. Ah, you’re gonna need a new bed in Phoebe and I’s room.
Jennifer: Why exactly?
Joey: We broke the springs in the mattress making whoopee.
Monica: We can’t take you two anywhere.
Chandler: This is the best trip ever. I actually got slapped by Jane Leeves.
Brad: Yeah. In the future, it’s a good idea not to kiss celebrities without their permission Chandler.
Monica: Don’t worry, he’ll be paying for that mistake for a long time.
Chandler: How many times do I have to say I’m sorry Mon?
Ross: Thanks again.
Rachel: Yeah, we had a great time. You’ll come to New York?
Brad: I will, I still have to make a court appearance for decking that guy when I was there for your wedding.
Jennifer: Which he is still serving time for I might add.
Ben: Uncle Brad, when you come, will you go to Great Adventure with me?
Brad: Of course buddy.
Ben: Bitchin’!
Ross: Ben! We don’t say things like that! Who taught you that?
Ben: I’m sorry. Uncle Joey taught me.
Joey: Man, it’s hot in here. I’ll wait for you guys by the limo.
CLOSING CREDITS
BRAD & JENNIFER’S RESIDENCE (Brad and Jennifer are eating dinner)
Jennifer: So who won our bet?
Brad: What are you talking about?
Jennifer: Did you have a blast with Ben?
Brad: Yeah. He’s a wonderful little boy.
Jennifer: So I won the bet.
Brad (realizing what’s she talking about): Oh my God.
Jennifer: I believe it’s time to get naked.
Brad: What about dinner?
Jennifer (sexily): Since when did you like dinner before dessert?