THE ONE WITH FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND – PART II

 

Written by: Ethan

 

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CANCUN, MEXICO – BRAD & JENNIFER’S HOUSE (Brad is in the kitchen as Ross enters.  It’s 6 am.)

 

Ross:  What are you doing up?

 

Brad:  I’d ask you the same thing. 

 

Ross:  I couldn’t sleep next to Rachel anymore. 

 

Brad:  Because she’s was naked. 

 

Ross:  Yeah.  Wait, how’d you know that? 

 

Brad:  Do you think I enjoy being up at this hour?

 

Ross:  Jen did the same to you. 

 

Brad:  Our payback for dunking them in the water yesterday. 

 

Ross:  It’s just for this one night, right?

 

Brad:  You don’t know much about women do you?

 

Ross:  This is all your fault.  I would’ve had sex with my wife last night it wasn’t for you.

 

Brad:  Hey, I didn’t twist your arm.  You didn’t have to follow through with the plan. 

 

Ross:  Well I didn’t want you to think I was a pussy. 

 

Brad:  Well you shouldn’t have worried about that buddy, I already thought you were a pussy. 

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

THE KITCHEN (Brad and Ross are present.  Jennifer and Rachel enter.  It’s 9 am)

 

Jennifer:  What, did you both of you sleep in the kitchen last night? 

 

Ross:  No, we just got up early thank you very little.  I see your put your clothes back on Rachel. 

 

Rachel:  Yeah, but what an invigorating night’s sleep.  Sleeping in the nude is definitely the way to go.

 

Jennifer:  I couldn’t agree more. 

 

Brad:  Ok, ok, you proved your point. 

 

Rachel:  We weren’t making a point Brad we were getting even.

 

Ross:  So we’re even. 

 

Rachel:  Hell no!

 

Ross:  What!

 

Jennifer:  We’re even when Rachel and I say we were even.  I’m gonna go wake up my kids. 

 

Rachel:  Wait, I’ll go with you. 

 

(Jennifer and Rachel leave) 

 

Ross:  See what you’ve done? 

 

Brad:  Two can play this game Ross. 

 

Ross:  Huh? 

 

Brad:  If they want to push us then we push back.  The first to break loses. 

 

Ross:  You want to escalate this little war?  How you lost your mind?

 

Brad:  Why not? 

 

Ross:  Because I love making love to my wife!

 

Brad:  Well if you follow my lead I guarantee you that you’ll make love to Rachel by the end of the day. 

 

Ross:  Yeah right.  I followed your lead yesterday and I’ll I got for my trouble last night was a raging hard on with no relief. 

 

THE DECK (The Bing family, The Geller family, The Pitt family, Joey, Jenna Jr., Phoebe and Jack are present)

 

Monica:  Joe, you’re positive Jenna is ok?

 

Joey:  Yes Mom.  (Monica stares at Joey)  Honestly, she’s fine.  She just didn’t sleep well last night she’s resting. 

 

Phoebe:  So what’s the plan for the day?  

 

Brad:  Whatever you’d like Phoebe. 

 

Phoebe:  Then tanning my breasts it is. 

 

Brad:  Ok, you can do anything but that. 

 

Phoebe:  Fine, but I don’t see what the big problem is, they’re only breasts. 

 

Rachel:  It’s inappropriate Phoebe because of the kids. 

 

Phoebe:  But inappropriate is my middle name. 

 

Jack:  Amen to that. 

 

Phoebe:  There goes your chance of seeing me naked for the rest of this trip. 

 

Jack:  I think I’ll live. 

 

Phoebe:  Not if you keep making comments like that. 

 

Brad:  If you want to go topless Phoebe then do it while the kids take their naps. 

 

Phoebe:  Ok kids, time for your naps. 

 

Jennifer:  Nice try, you’ve got a four hour wait ahead of you. 

 

Chandler:  I’m with Phoebe, I think the kids should go down for their naps. 

 

Phoebe:  Yeah right, I’m not taking my top off until you go down for your nap. 

 

Chandler:  I don’t take naps Phoebe. 

 

Phoebe:  Well you are today.

 

THE KITCHEN (Monica and Jennifer are present)

 

Monica:  Thanks so much for inviting us.  We really needed to get out of the City. 

 

Jennifer:  No problem, the more the better.  We’re happy you could come. 

 

Monica:  What’s the matter with Ross and Brad? 

 

Jennifer:  They’re sexually frustrated.

 

Monica:  Huh? 

 

Jennifer:  Rachel and I both slept in the nude last night and told our husbands not to lay a finger on us. 

 

Monica:  Ah, payback for dunking you in the water yesterday. 

 

Jennifer:  Something like that.  Of course the payback isn’t complete yet. 

 

Monica:  I would hope not.  What’s next? 

 

Jennifer:  A little sexual teasing. 

 

Monica:  As in making them think they’re gonna get some but they’re really not. 

 

Jennifer:  Exactly. 

 

Monica:  So what’s the plan? 

 

Jennifer:  Just a little more I want you really bad and then I don’t. 

 

Monica:  Didn’t you do that last night? 

 

Jennifer:  Yeah but there’s a twist in today’s plan. 

 

Monica:  A twist? 

 

Jennifer:  Rachel will seduce Brad and I’ll seduce Ross. 

 

Monica:  Jennifer! 

 

Jennifer:  Nothing’s gonna happen Monica, it’s just part of the plan. 

 

Monica:  Then I guess that’s ok. 

 

(Ross enters) 

 

Ross:  Hey. 

 

Monica:  You look like hell. 

 

Ross:  Kind of like you looking in the mirror everyday huh. 

 

Monica:  Stick it where the sun doesn’t shine. 

 

Ross:  I heard that’s where you enjoy having it stuck the most. 

 

(Monica gets up from the table, flips off Ross, and leaves) 

 

Jennifer:  You just had to have the last word. 

 

Ross:  Always.  That’s my role as the big brother. 

 

Jennifer:  You look tired. 

 

Ross:  Thanks for noticing. 

 

Jennifer:  Well maybe you and I can take a nice little nap later and relieve a little bit of your sexual frustration. 

 

Ross:  Huh? 

 

Jennifer:  You know what I meant. 

 

Ross:  Yeah, I don’t think Rachel would approve. 

 

Jennifer:  Who do you think gave me the idea in the first place? 

 

Ross:  Rachel, my wife, suggested that I go to bed with you? 

 

Jennifer:  Yeah.  It’s not like she’s going to be letting you touch her anytime soon. 

 

Ross:  Ok, ok, you’re just messing with me. 

 

Jennifer:  Fine, don’t believe me but I’ll be waiting for you naked in my room after I put my kids down for their naps. 

 

Ross:  I, I, I need to go find my kids. 

 

Jennifer:  Ok.  But hey, my offer still stands though.  Who knows, if you don’t show maybe I’ll just relieve my sexual energy with Rachel instead. 

 

(Ross quickly leaves as Monica re-enters)  

 

Monica:  Feeling ok Ross? 

 

Ross:  I, I need some air. 

 

(Ross leaves) 

 

Monica:  I take it you just hit him with a 2x4. 

 

Jennifer:  Right upside the head. 

 

Monica:  But you’re not gonna follow through right? 

 

Jennifer:  Right.  Actually I was hoping to have a little fun with you. 

 

Monica:  Huh? 

 

Jennifer:  Not into women? 

 

Monica:  Not really. 

 

Jennifer:  Then I was just kidding.  I’m not into women either. 

 

Monica:  You never, you know, experimented, like just once? 

 

Jennifer:  Yeah, just once.  What about you? 

 

Monica:  When I was in college. 

 

Jennifer:  Did you enjoy it? 

 

Monica: Yeah but I was really confused the next morning though. 

 

Jennifer:  I know how you felt, that’s how I felt.  My partner was really self-assuring though. 

 

Monica:  Mine too.  Who’d you do it with? 

 

Jennifer:  A close friend. 

 

Monica:  Me too.  We’d been friends for years and it just happened one night when we were really drunk.  

 

Jennifer:  We weren’t drunk though we had been drinking.  Must’ve been the full moon that night. 

 

Monica:  So you really enjoyed your night with Rachel. 

 

Jennifer:  Yeah.  How’d you know it was her? 

 

Monica:  I took a shot in the dark. 

 

Jennifer:  It’s never happened again. 

 

Monica:  I know.  Rachel will do it once with a really close friend and then say that it can never happen again.  That’s just how she is. 

 

Jennifer:  That’s exactly what she told me. 

 

Monica:  Well I guess we both share a special bond with Rachel.

 

Jennifer:  We do but mine isn’t as strong as yours. 

 

Monica:  Why would you say that? 

 

Jennifer:  Because you guys have been friends since you were little.  I can’t compete with that. 

 

Monica:  We’re not in competition Jen. 

 

Jennifer:  No, no, I know that.  I just meant that she really loves you like a sister.  Whenever we’re together she’s constantly referring to you as your sister. 

 

Monica:  Really? 

 

Jennifer:  You may only be sisters-in-law but to Rachel, you’re her sister. 

 

Monica:  I mean I think of her as a sister too but I never really knew how she felt. 

 

Jennifer:  Well you do now.  You’ve got a great sister Mon. 

 

Monica (tears welling in her eyes):  I really do. 

 

THE BEACH (Brad, Rachel and their kids are present) 

 

Rachel:  Isn’t it a beautiful morning? 

 

Brad:  Yeah.  It’s gonna be hot today.

 

Rachel:  Caitlin, don’t hit your sister. 

 

Caitlin:  I didn’t. 

 

Rachel:  I just saw you hit her now knock it off.  (to Brad)  Don’t you wish sometimes you could send them back from where they came? 

 

Brad:  Not really. 

 

Rachel:  Ah come on, the thought’s never crossed your mind? 

 

Brad:  Well I have thought about drop kicking Colin across the room a time or two. 

 

Rachel:  What about Courteney? 

 

Brad:  I only have to give her a “what the hell are you doing” type of look. 

 

Rachel:  Yeah, that works with Keeley too.  (to Caitlin) Stop throwing sand at your sister or you’re spending the rest of the day in timeout. 

 

Caitlin:  I wasn’t throwing sand. 

 

Rachel:  I just saw you do it. 

 

Caitlin:  It wasn’t me. 

 

Rachel:  Don’t lie to me young lady, I’m not gonna tell you again, knock it off. 

 

Caitlin:  But she keeps pushing sand into my hole. 

 

Rachel:  Then go dig over there. 

 

Caitlin:  But I was here first. 

 

Rachel:  One, two, (Caitlin moves – to Brad) I give that technique another six months and then she’ll finish counting for me. 

 

Brad:  Yeah, counting to three doesn’t work with Colin.  He just ignores me. 

 

Rachel:  What do you do? 

 

Brad:  I pick him up and put him in timeout.  The kid inherited Jennifer’s stubborn streak.  It’s a constant battle of wills with that kid. 

 

Rachel:  Most two year olds are like that. 

 

Brad:  Well if he keeps it up he’s not making his third birthday. 

 

Rachel:  You look tired. 

 

Brad:  I am tired, thanks to Jennifer of course. 

 

Rachel:  Well maybe a little later we could sneak away and take a nap together. 

 

Brad:  Excuse me? 

 

Rachel:  Well I’m a little hot and bothered from last night and I know you are too so I figured we could help each other out. 

 

Brad:  Are you suggesting what I think you are suggesting? 

 

Rachel:  Only if you’re interested.  Don’t worry about Ross, you’re on my freebie list and it’s not like we haven’t done it before.  Could you watch Caitlin and Keeley for me for a minute? 

 

Brad:  Um, sure. 

 

(Rachel starts to walk away as Ross approaches) 

 

Rachel:  Hi honey. 

 

Ross:  Hey. (to Brad) Um, this little game is getting out of control. 

 

Brad:  Let me guess, Jennifer just tried to seduce you. 

 

Ross:  Yes! 

 

Brad:  Well your wife just did the same with me. 

 

Ross:  This was totally not the plan.  I was supposed to sleep with my wife, not yours. 

 

Brad:  Don’t worry, I’ve gotta plan. 

 

Ross:  All of your plans have backfired! 

 

Brad:  We’ll just pull the old switcheroo. 

 

Ross:  Are we in grade school again?

 

Brad:  We’ll act like we’ll go through with their plan and then we’ll switch rooms. 

 

Ross:  How in the hell is that going to happen?  They’ll see it coming! 

 

Brad:  Not if they’re blindfolded. 

 

Ross:  Rachel hates to be blindfolded. 

 

Brad:  Then she won’t get wants she wants.  Look, they’re not actually planning on sleeping with either of us.  This is all a set up.  We call their bluff.  They break first and we win.  It’s that simple. 

 

Ross:  And you’re positive this is just a set up? 

 

Brad:  Yeah.  If everyone else weren’t here I’d be a little bit worried but since they are here, Jennifer and Rachel are just messing with us. 

 

Ross:  Ok, I’ll go along with your plan. 

 

Brad:  And look at the other side, if our plan fails, we both get to sleep with each other’s wife again. 

 

THE BEACH (Everyone but Jenna is present) 

 

Chandler:  Hey look, it’s a humpbacked whale!

 

Jack:  No, that’s just Phoebe in the water. 

 

Phoebe:  You’re a dead man Chandler! 

 

Chandler:  You’re gonna have to waddle after me first Phoebe! 

 

Phoebe:  Then I’d stay up for the rest of this trip Bing! 

 

Chandler (to Jack):  I’ve angered the whale. 

 

Jack:  That’s good, now she won’t kill me instead. 

 

Chandler:  What’d you do? 

 

Jack:  I may have implied that she looks fat in that swimsuit. 

 

Monica:  Then both of you are idiots, you never mess with a pregnant woman. 

 

Rachel:  Joe, have you check on Jenna lately? 

 

Joey:  Yeah about ten minutes ago, she was sleeping. 

 

Jennifer:  The poor girl, she must be absolutely miserable. 

 

Joey:  I told her we shouldn’t come before we left but she wouldn’t listen to me, 

 

Brad:  Well there’s nothing you can do now you’re here. 

 

Joey:  Yeah.  If she had listened to me she’d be back in New York resting and Jet and I would be here relaxing. 

 

Ross:  You were gonna come here without her?  What the hell is the matter with you? 

 

Joey:  What? I was just looking out for her best interest. 

 

Rachel:  Joey, you do not abandon a very pregnant woman when she’s almost due. 

 

Joey:  I know that.  Why don’t you think we’re here? 

 

Jennifer:  I hope she hit your over the head with a blunt object a few times when you told her your plan. 

 

Joey:  She did and she used some very colorful language too. 

 

Jack:  You’re lucky she didn’t shoot you. 

 

Joey:  Now that you mention it she did mention something about shooting my boys off. 

 

(Phoebe gets out of the water and joins everyone) 

 

Phoebe:  Ah, that felt really good. 

 

Jack:  Was it nice and relaxing? 

 

Phoebe:  Yes honey it was.  Now stop trying to kiss my ass I’m still mad at you. 

 

Chandler:  I think you look absolutely lovely in that swimsuit Phoebe.  It has a slimming effect. 

 

Phoebe:  And don’t you even try to sweet talk me Gay Boy.    

 

Jennifer:  Ok, it’s naptime.  Courteney, Colin, come here please. 

 

Rachel:  You too Caitlin and Keeley. 

 

Monica (to Chandler):  You grab Michael and I’ll get the twins. 

 

(Jennifer passes by Ross and whispers in his ear)

 

Jennifer:  I’ll be waiting for you.  Naked. 

 

Ross:  Ok. 

 

Rachel:  What did she want? 

 

Ross:  She suggested fish for dinner. 

 

Rachel:  Oh.  I’m going to take a nap too and don’t even think about joining me. 

 

Ross:  Yes dear. 

 

Joey:  Let’s go Jet, it’s time to take a nap. 

 

(Everyone but Phoebe and Jack return to the house) 

 

Phoebe (taking off her top):  Time to let these bad boys get some sun. 

 

Jack:  Did you put some sunscreen on them? 

 

Phoebe:  No.

 

Jack:  Would you like me to put some on for you? 

 

Phoebe:  You even try to touch my breasts and I’ll bite your hands off. 

 

Jack:  I’m just saying Pheebs that your breasts are really not use to the sun and the sun is really strong here.  You could get a bad sunburn. 

 

Phoebe: I don’t burn, I tan. 

 

Jack:  Ok, but you can’t say I didn’t warn you. 

 

Phoebe:  Then we’re even, I warned you and you warned me now be a good boy and go get me some iced tea. 

 

Jack:  Get it yourself. 

 

Phoebe:  You ever want to see me naked again? 

 

Jack:  I’ll be right back.  (Jack gets up and makes his way back to the house)

 

Phoebe:  Works every time.

 

(Cut to twenty minutes later, Monica, Chandler and Joey and Jack have returned) 

 

Chandler:  Let’s go in the water Mon. 

 

Monica:  But I don’t want to go in the water honey. 

 

Chandler:  But I want to show you something really cool. 

 

Monica:  Then you go in the water and show me. 

 

Chandler:  But I need your help. 

 

Monica:  But I don’t want to go in the water Chandler. 

 

Joey:  Just go in the damn water with him Monica. 

 

Monica:  Hey, the last time I checked you weren’t part of this marriage Joe so back off! 

 

Phoebe:  Have you even been in the water yet Mon? 

 

Monica:  Not really. 

 

Phoebe:  Then you should go in, it feel likes a bathtub. 

 

Monica:  Ok, I’ll go with you Chandler. 

 

Joey:  Wait, wait, wait.  I suggest you go in the water and you bite my head off but when Phoebe makes the same suggestion you agree with her?  What’s up with that? 

 

Monica:  That’s right Joe.  You got a problem with that? 

 

Joey:  Ah, no. 

 

Monica:  I didn’t think so. 

 

(Monica and Chandler go in the water) 

 

Joey (to Phoebe):  She’s always biting my head off. 

 

Phoebe:  That’s because you basically ordered her into the water. 

 

Joey:  No I didn’t. 

 

Jack:  Joey you said and I quote “just go in the damn water with him Monica”. 

 

Joey:  That wasn’t an order that was merely a strong suggestion. 

 

Phoebe:  Well if you had said it to me I would’ve kicked your ass. 

 

Joey:  No you wouldn’t have, you love me. 

 

Phoebe:  Try me I dare you. 

 

Joey:  I think I’ll pass. 

 

(cut to Monica and Chandler) 

 

Monica:  What’d you want to show me?

 

Chandler:  Come closer to me. 

 

Monica:  Don’t dunk me. 

 

Chandler:  I promise, I won’t dunk you. 

 

Monica:  If you dunk me I’m filing for a divorce. 

 

Chandler:  I’m not going to dunk you. 

 

(Monica moves closer to Chandler) 

 

Monica:  Ok, I swear if you dunk me you’ll never see your children again. 

 

Chandler:  Would you just relax?  I’m not gonna dunk you.  Just put your arms around my neck. 

 

Monica (doing so):  I’m just saying if you even tried I will…..God that feels so good. 

 

Chandler:  Hold still for a second. 

 

Monica:  Oh my. 

 

Chandler:  Now you can’t act like we’re doing what we’re doing, just try to maintain your composure. 

 

Monica:  Then you’d better face me towards the ocean because this feels so good. 

 

(cut to Phoebe, Jack and Joey) 

 

Phoebe:  I think Chandler just slipped Monica the high, hard one. 

 

Joey:  The what? 

 

Jack:  How can you tell? 

 

Phoebe:  Because he’s facing us and Monica isn’t. 

 

Joey:  So? 

 

Phoebe:  Well Chandler’s got that desperate look on his face.  He either has to pee really bad or he’s trying to hold back his cargo. 

 

Joey:  I’m gonna go check on Jenna.  I’ll be back. 

 

Phoebe:  You’re gonna miss them having sex. 

 

Joey:  That’s ok, I’ve walked in on them enough to remember what it looks like. 

 

THE HOUSE (Brad and Ross are upstairs in the hall) 

 

Brad:  Just go in there and blindfold Jennifer and I’ll meet you back here in a few minutes. 

 

Ross:  What if she won’t let me blindfold her? 

 

Brad:  Then leave and we’ll move on to plan B. 

 

Ross:  What’s plan B? 

 

Brad:  I haven’t gotten that far yet. 

 

Ross:  Well shouldn’t we come up with plan B now? 

 

Brad:  We’re not gonna need plan B. 

 

Ross:  But what if Rachel lets you blindfold her but Jen says no? 

 

Brad:  She’ll let you blindfold her. 

 

Ross:  And how do you know that? 

 

Brad:  Because she’s my wife and she loves to be blindfolded.  Now go in there and accomplish your mission and meet me here in a few minutes. 

 

Ross:  This is gonna backfire on us. 

 

Brad:  No it’s not.  It’s a foolproof plan. 

 

Ross:  Yeah, that’s what you said yesterday and look at us now. 

 

BRAD & JENNIFER’S ROOM (Jennifer, naked, is lying on the bed as Ross enters) 

 

Ross:  Jennifer?

 

Jennifer:  I’m so glad you came. 

 

Ross:  Um, um, um, um you’re really naked. 

 

Jennifer:  Just like I promised.  I’ve been waiting for you.  Come join me on the bed. 

 

Ross:  Um, I’m good here. 

 

Jennifer:  You’re acting like you’ve never seen me naked before. 

 

Ross:  Well just the one time. 

 

Jennifer:  Hey, don’t forget the night I had with Rachel. 

 

Ross:  Ok, I’ve seen you naked twice before.  Blindfold, blindfold! 

 

Jennifer:  Huh? 

 

Ross:  I want to blindfold you to enhance your experience. 

 

Jennifer:  Great!  Could you tie me up too? 

 

Ross:  Why not! 

 

(Ross goes over to Jennifer and blindfolds her and ties her arms to the backboard) 

 

Ross:  Oh crap, I forgot something. 

 

Jennifer:  What? 

 

Ross:  Um, a condom. 

 

Jennifer:  You don’t need a condom.  I’m on birth control and you’ve been fixed. 

 

Ross:  How’d you know about that? 

 

Jennifer:  Women tell each other everything. 

 

Ross:  Massage oil!  We need massage oil! 

 

Jennifer:  There’s some in the master bath. 

 

Ross:  Ok, but I brought some special stuff that Rachel really likes.  I think you’ll enjoy it.  I’ll just run and get it. 

 

Jennifer:  Hurry up, all this waiting is making me really wet. 

 

Ross:  I’ll, I’ll be back then.  (Ross quickly leaves)

 

ROSS & RACHEL’S ROOM (Rachel and Brad are present) 

 

Rachel:  I’m sorry Brad but I don’t like being blindfolded. 

 

Brad:  Ok.  I’ll see you later then. 

 

Rachel:  You’re, you’re just gonna leave?

 

Brad:  Yeah. The blindfold thing is a deal breaker for me.  I’m sorry. 

 

Rachel:  But I really want this. 

 

Brad:  And so do I but I want you to trust me and let me blindfold you. 

 

Rachel:  It’s not that I don’t trust you because I do, I just don’t like to be blindfolded. 

 

Brad:  Why?  Have you ever done it before? 

 

Rachel:  Well no. 

 

Brad:  Then how do you know that you won’t really like it? 

 

Rachel:  I guess that I’m not into kinky things. 

 

Brad:  You can’t say that, you slept with my wife. 

 

Rachel:  But that was different I could see what I was doing. 

 

Brad:  All I’m asking is that you trust me.  Nothing bad is going to happen, I promise.  If you say stop, then we’ll stop. 

 

Rachel:  Ok, ok, you win.  Just don’t tell Ross. 

 

Brad:  Then it’s a deal.  (Brad blindfolds Rachel)  I have to go get something in my room and I’ll be right back.  Now don’t take off the blindfold. 

 

Rachel:  Ok, but don’t be too long. 

 

Brad:  I’ll be right back.  (Brad leaves) 

 

THE HALL (Ross and Brad are present) 

 

Ross:  What took you so long? 

 

Brad:  I met up with some resistance. 

 

Ross:  Well hurry up and go to Jen before she figures out she’s been duped. 

 

Brad:  Just be really quiet with Rachel and gentle too, it’s her first time being blindfolded. 

 

Ross:  You actually got her blindfolded? 

 

Brad:  I’m standing here aren’t I? 

 

Ross:  It’s a miracle! 

 

Brad:  Yeah, now go. 

 

Ross:  Good luck.  By the way, Jennifer looks incredible. 

 

Brad:  She’s already naked? 

 

Ross:  You know Jen she always comes prepared. 

 

Brad:  That’s no fair, Rachel was still in her bikini. 

 

Ross:  So my wife’s a little more modest, shoot me. 

 

BRAD & JENNIFER’S ROOM (Jennifer is lying on the bed as Brad enters) 

 

Jennifer:  Ross? 

 

Brad:  Uh huh. 

 

Jennifer:  What took you so long? 

 

Brad:  Shush. 

 

(Brad hops on the bed and starts massaging Jennifer’s chest) 

 

Jennifer:  Oh that feels so good.  (Brad starts to kiss Jennifer from her neck down to her feet and then stops between her legs) You little tease.  Do it, stick you tongue in my wet pussy. 

 

Brad:  Yeah I don’t think that’s gonna happen. 

 

Jennifer:  Brad! 

 

Brad:  You really thought you could seduce Ross without my finding out about it?

 

Jennifer:  It was just a tease.  I really wasn’t going to sleep with Ross, I swear. 

 

Brad:  Then I guess your act of contrition will be to make love to me instead.  And oh, declare this little war over too. 

 

Jennifer:  Well I would have to consult with my war partner on that one. 

 

Brad:  Or you could spend the rest of the day tied up, blindfolded and naked in bed. 

 

Jennifer:  I think we can negotiate a truce now.  Could you untie me please? 

 

Brad:  After we’re done.  (Brad goes back between Jennifer’s legs) 

 

Jennifer:  Oh God! God, no one except Rachel eats pussy better than you. 

 

Brad:  Jen, for the last time, I don’t want to hear about how great Rachel was.

 

Jennifer:  Sorry.  A little to the left, yeah, that’s the spot. 

 

ROSS & RACHEL’S ROOM (Rachel, blindfolded, is present as Ross enters) 

 

Rachel:  Brad? 

 

Ross:  Uh huh.  (Ross joins Rachel on the bed and takes off her bikini top)

 

Rachel:  Um, that feels Rachel good.  (Ross slides his hand hands down to Rachel’s bikini bottom and starts to slide it off.  Rachel sits up and takes off her blindfold)  Brad, I can’t! 

 

Ross (looking up at Rachel):  Well I would hope not.  But why were you expecting Brad in the first place? 

 

Rachel:  I, I can explain. 

 

Ross:  There’s no need honey.  I already know.  You honestly thought you could seduce Brad without me finding out about it?

 

Rachel:  Well that was our plan. 

 

Ross:  So I guess the only way you can redeem yourself is to lie back down and allow me to take the rest of your bikini off.  Oh, and put the blindfold back on too. 

 

Rachel:  The blindfold too?

 

Ross:  The blindfold too.  (Rachel puts the blindfold back on and Ross removes her bikini bottom)  Whoa!  You’re completely shaved!

 

Rachel:  Well I know how you don’t like getting pubic hair in your mouth so I decided to help you out.  Careful though, it’s still a little sensitive down THERE!  Oh, oh my God! 

 

Ross:  You have a towel up there? 

 

Rachel:  Yeah, why? 

 

Ross:  You just soaked my face. 

 

JOEY & JENNA’S ROOM (Jenna is present as Joey enters)

 

Joey:  Hey honey, how are you doing?

 

Jenna:  I think we may have a problem. 

 

Joey:  Your underwear up your ass again? 

 

Jenna:  More like the baby will be coming today. 

 

Joey:  What!

 

Jenna:  Now don’t panic, but my water just broke. 

 

Joey:  Why would I panic about something like that? 

 

Jenna: ‘Cause that means I’ve gone into labor.  (Joey just stands there and stares at Jenna)  Joey! Snap out of it!

 

Joey:  You can’t have the baby here.  We’ve got to get you to the local hospital. 

 

Jenna:  I’m not going to the local hospital. 

 

Joey:  Then we’d better get the jet fired up and get you to Bellevue. 

 

Jenna:  And give birth on the plane?  Have you lost your mind? 

 

Joey:  Me!  You’re the one who won’t go to the hospital!  There’s no doctor here! 

 

Jenna:  Ross is here.

 

Joey:  So what? Chandler is here too. 

 

Jenna:  Ross has delivered a baby before. 

 

Joey:  Ross is not a doctor! 

 

Jenna:  Then why is he Dr. Ross Geller? 

 

Joey:  How in the hell am I supposed to know!  He’s not delivering my baby! 

 

Jenna:  Our baby.

 

Joey:  Our baby. 

 

Jenna:  Why not?  It’s not like he’s never seen a vagina before.

 

Joey:  Well he’s not seeing yours!  That’s for my eyes and your doctor’s eyes only. 

 

Jenna: Then I guess you’ll just have to deliver the baby. 

 

Joey:  I’m not a doctor! 

 

Jenna:   But you played one on television. 

 

Joey (losing focus):  Yeah, I was a pretty good one too.  I did a brain transplant once. 

 

Jenna:  Then delivering our baby should be a walk in the park. 

 

Joey:  No, no, no. I’m not a doctor. We’re taking you to the local hospital and that’s final.  No more discussion.  I’ll pack a bag for you. 

 

Jenna:  Joey, do you like playing with my vagina? 

 

Joey:  Yeah, it’s like my own amusement park.

 

Jenna:  Well unless you don’t want to play in your amusement park anymore then I suggest you go outside and ask Ross to deliver our baby. 

 

Joey:  Do you have shit in your ears?  I’m taking you to the local hospital. 

 

Jenna:  Then my vagina is closed to you for the next four years.  The choice is yours.

 

Joey (after a very long pause)  You’re impossible you know that? 

 

Jenna:  That’s why you love me so much.

 

Joey:  Yeah it’s times like these where I start to wonder about that. 

 

Jenna:  Wanna make it five years? 

 

Joey:  I’ll go find Ross. 

 

THE BEACH (Monica, Chandler, Phoebe and Jack are present.  Monica and Chandler have just gotten out of the water)

 

Monica:  You were right Pheebs the water feels great. 

 

Phoebe:  I should say so.  Of course I didn’t have sex in the ocean but I’ll take your word for it. 

 

Monica:  We weren’t having sex. 

 

Phoebe:  Oh, then Chandler must’ve just been playing with himself again. 

 

Chandler:  Phoebe, I do not play with myself. 

 

Phoebe:  And that water isn’t blue. 

 

Jack:  Phoebe, I’d put your top back on, your breasts are looking a little pink. 

 

Phoebe:  What are you talking about?  They’re still white.  

 

(Joey comes racing over) 

 

Joey:  Where, where, where…

 

Chandler:  What, is this a fill in the blank game? 

 

Joey:  Where is Ross? 

 

Monica:  He and Rachel are taking a nap. 

 

Phoebe:  Which means they’re having sex. 

 

Jack:  Saying they’re taking a nap is being polite honey. 

 

Phoebe:  It’s Ross and Rachel, who needs to be polite? 

 

Chandler:  What’s wrong Joe?  You look worried. 

 

Joey:  It’s Jenna.  She’s gone into labor and refuses to go to the hospital. 

 

Monica:  That’s insane!  She has to go to the hospital.  It’s not like there’s a doctor staying here at the house. 

 

Joey:  Well according to Jenna, Dr. Ross Geller is close enough. 

 

THE HOUSE – The Hall (Joey, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe and Jack are present) 

 

Joey:  Which room are Ross and Rachel in? 

 

Monica:  The last one on the right. 

 

Joey:  Could you guys go try to talk some sense into Jenna?

 

Monica:  Happy to.  Which room is yours? 

 

Joey:  I don’t remember. 

 

Phoebe:  But if you ask him the last time he had sex he’ll remember that right down to the last second. 

 

Joey:  Well that’s a given. 

 

Chandler:  We’re wasting time here. 

 

Jack:  Jenna! 

 

Jenna (from her room):  In here! 

 

Jack:  Mystery solved.  Go find Ross Joey. 

 

JOEY & JENNA’S ROOM (Jenna is present as Monica, Chandler, Phoebe and Jack enter) 

 

Monica:  How are you doing sweetie? 

 

Jenna:  Ok.  I’m a little wet though.

 

Monica:  We have to get you to the local hospital Jenna. 

 

Jenna:  I’m not giving birth in a Mexican hospital and that’s final.

 

Chandler:  Come on Jenna, it’s your only option at this point. 

 

Jenna:  Ross can deliver the baby.  He delivered Courteney. 

 

Phoebe:  You really want Ross peering between your legs? 

 

Jack:  Not now Pheebs. 

 

Phoebe:  What?  It’s a perfectly legitimate question. 

 

Jenna:  I’m not going to a Mexican HOSPITAL! 

 

Monica:  Ok, ok, calm down. 

 

Jenna:  Sorry, that was a contraction. 

 

Jack:  How far apart are they?

 

Jenna:  A few minutes. 

 

Jack:   We might not have enough time to get her to the hospital at this point. 

 

Phoebe:  How in the hell would you know?  You’re an investment adviser for Christ’s sake. 

 

Jack:  For your information dear, I’ve been attending Lamaze class to prepare myself for the birth of our child. 

 

Phoebe:  Really? 

 

Jack:  Yes. 

 

Phoebe (starting to cry):  That’s so sweet. 

 

Jenna (starting to cry):  No, no crying.  If you cry you’ll make me cry and I don’t wanna cry. 

 

Chandler (to Monica):  Why are you crying?

 

Monica:  Because they’re crying. 

 

Chandler:  Women are weird. 

 

Jack:  Amen to that. 

 

(Cut to Joey who is at the end of the hall.  Instead of going to his right, he enters Brad and Jennifer’s room on his left) 

 

BRAD & JENNIFER’S ROOM (Brad and Jennifer are having sex)  

 

Jennifer:  Oh, oh, oh don’t stop! I’m almost there!  

 

(Joey enters) 

 

Joey:  Ross? 

 

Brad:  Wrong room Joe!  (Joey quickly turns around) 

 

Jennifer:  Yes, yes, yes! 

 

Joey:  Um sorry.  Enjoy yourselves. 

 

Jennifer:  Joey wait.  

 

Joey (not turning around):  Yeah? 

 

Jennifer:  Is everything ok? 

 

Joey:  Jenna’s gone into labor and I need to find Ross. 

 

Brad:  Did you call for an ambulance? 

 

Joey:  Jenna refuses to go to the local hospital.  She wants Ross to deliver the baby.

 

Jennifer:  Ross and Rachel are across the hall.  We’ll be right there. 

 

Brad:  One more thing Joe.  Knock before you enter.  They’re not taking a nap either if you know what I mean. 

 

Joey:  What’d you mean? 

 

Brad:  Just knock on the door first. 

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

ROSS & RACHEL’S ROOM  (Ross and Rachel are present)

 

Rachel:  You want to do it again? 

 

Ross:  Yeah.  My hard on won’t go away. 

 

Rachel:  Can’t you just play with it yourself? 

 

Ross:  Why would I want to do that when I have my lovely wife to help me out. 

 

Rachel:  Because you’ve drilled me so hard I don’t think I’ll be able to walk later.

 

Ross:  Well you could use your mouth. 

 

Rachel:  I could. 

 

Ross:  I’d return the favor. 

 

Rachel:  Again? 

 

Ross:  Again. 

 

Rachel:  Then prepare yourself for the ride of your life.  (Rachel goes underneath the covers and begins to do things to Ross.  Joey knocks) 

 

Ross:  Hold on a sec.  Rachel, you gotta stop. 

 

Rachel:  But I’ve just started. 

 

Ross:  Someone’s at the door. 

 

Rachel:  They’ll go away.  (Rachel resumes what she was doing as Joey enters) 

 

Joey:  Ross? 

 

Ross:  Joe!  Usually when someone says wait a second it means stay outside until they open the door for you. 

 

Joey:  Where’s Rach? 

 

Rachel:  Down here. 

 

Joey:  Nice. 

 

Ross:  Do you mind? 

 

Joey:  Afraid I do.  Jenna’s gone into labor and she wishes that you deliver our baby. 

 

Rachel:  Hey look at that honey, your hard on went away.