THE ONE WITH PHOEBE & ROSS'
GOLF OUTING
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel, Ben and Caitlin are present)
Ben: When's spring break?
Ross: Next week. Why?
Ben: Can I go to Florida for spring break?
Rachel: Ah, no. Who do you know in Florida anyway?
Ben: No one. I just hear it's a great place to see girls in skimpy bikinis.
Rachel: Who told you that?
Ben: Carson Daly.
Ross: Who's Carson Daly?
Ben: The guy on MTV.
Ross: Didn't I tell you not to watch MTV?
Ben: Yeah.
Rachel: Then how do you know that Florida is a great place to see girls in skimpy bikinis?
Ben: I already told you, Carson Daly said so on his TV show.
Ross: Why do watch MTV when you know you're not supposed to?
Rachel: Wait a minute. Who was babysitting when you heard what Carson Daly said?
Ben: Aunt Phoebe. I told her that I wasn't allowed to watch MTV but she merely said that you guys were just old fogies with stupid rules and said it'd be ok if I watched it with her.
Ross: Whose turn is it to talk to Phoebe?
OPENING CREDITS
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Chandler and Michael are present)
Chandler: How you doing?
Monica: I'm ok.
Chandler: Working tonight?
Monica: No, Gretchen is covering for me.
Chandler: What do you have planned for today?
Monica: Not much. Just hanging out with Michael.
Chandler: I can call in sick if you want.
Monica: You have that meeting today, you have to go to work.
Chandler: I just want to make sure you're ok.
Monica (annoyed): I'm fine Chandler. I'm coping the best I can. I know you're just trying to be there for me, but I don't need to be smothered.
Chandler: I wasn't trying to smother you Mon. I was just trying to be supportive. I'll call you later.
Monica: Ok.
Chandler (to Michael): Come give Daddy a kiss goodbye.
Michael: Bye-bye.
Chandler: Bye buddy. (to Monica) I'll call you later.
(Chandler leaves)
Monica: Come here buddy. What do you wanna do today? (the phone rings - Monica answers) Hello? (pause) Hey Rach. (pause) I really don't feel like it. (pause) No, I just wanna lie low. (pause) I'm fine. I'm fine. I just need some time to process everything. (pause) Ok, I'll talk to you later.
CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe is reading the paper as Ross enters)
Ross: Hey Pheebs.
Phoebe: Hey Gel boy.
Ross: We need to talk.
Phoebe: This is about the MTV thing isn't it?
Ross: Even though Rachel and I are old fogies with stupid rules, we expect you to respect them when you babysit Ben and Caitlin.
Phoebe: I'm sorry, it'll probably happen again, but I'm still sorry.
Ross: You seem a little down. Everything ok?
Phoebe: Yeah. I guess I just feel alone.
Ross: You're never alone Pheebs, you have all of us to keep you company.
Phoebe: Not that type of alone, alone being I don't have anyone to share my life with at the moment. Everyone's married now and I'm just a millionaire spinster.
Ross: So you're saying that you wish you were married too.
Phoebe: I guess.
Ross: Between you and me Pheebs, sometimes I wish I were single again.
Phoebe: Is that why you've been divorced so many times?
Ross: Hey none of those divorces were initiated by me.
Phoebe: Way to defend your record Ross.
Ross: I just meant that being married is tough sometimes. It's not like when you're just dating someone where if things get tough and you don't want to be around your girlfriend you just spend some time by yourself. When you're married, you have to sleep in the same bed no matter how you're feeling towards the other person. You can't escape.
Phoebe: That's not entirely true, there's always alcohol or drugs.
Ross: I know I can always count on you for a fresh perspective Phoebe.
Phoebe: How often do you wish you were single again? I know for Rachel it's like every month.
Ross: You, you know how often Rachel feels that way? I didn't even know how often Rachel feels that way and she's my wife.
Phoebe: Don't feel bad Ross, you're not a woman.
Ross: What?
Phoebe: Women tell each other everything, women and men, not so much.
Ross: I can't believe it. She really feels that way every month?
Phoebe: Yeah. How often do you feel that way?
Ross: Once a month. Wait a minute, wait a minute, Rachel and I fight every 28 days or so. Right around the time….
Phoebe: That the monthly visitor comes.
Ross: Exactly.
Phoebe: Well if you two ever do get a divorce, at least I can tell the others when to expect an announcement.
Ross: Ah, Rachel was going to try to cheer Monica up and Carol's picking Ben up from school, do you wanna go do something?
Phoebe: Wanna go have sex?
Ross: I don't want to get divorced for the fourth time Pheebs.
Phoebe: Yeah, you'll probably achieve that all by yourself.
TOYS R US (Chandler is working in his office as Donna, his boss, enters)
Donna: Get your feet off the desk.
Chandler: My feet weren't on my desk.
Donna: Yes they were.
Chandler: They were not. I think I'd know if my feet were on the desk. They are my feet after all.
Donna (getting Chandler's secretary): Peter, could I see you for a minute? (to Chandler) Last chance.
Chandler: I'm innocent.
(Peter enters the office)
Peter: Yeah?
Donna: Did you buzz Chandler to tell him to get his feet off the desk when you saw that I was approaching his office?
Peter: No.
Donna: Are you willing to bet your next four paychecks on that answer?
Peter: No.
Donna: That'll be all. (to Chandler) I see you're training him well.
Chandler: He still ratted me out.
Donna: That's because you don't sign his paychecks. (pause) I need a favor.
Chandler: I need a $10,000 raise.
Donna: Ok, new approach. Your assignment for the middle part of your day is to entertain an actor who stars in one of our commercials.
Chandler: Me?
Donna: You. The only thing you have to do is take her to lunch. Can you handle that?
Chandler: Her? You said actor, not actress.
Donna: I really don't have time to talk semantics with you Chandler. Just take the young lady to lunch.
Chandler: Where to?
Donna: Why don't you take her to your wife's restaurant? This way the young lady doesn't have to come all the way uptown. I'll arrange to have her meet you there.
Chandler: Can I go home after?
Donna: If I tell you no are you gonna go home anyway?
Chandler: Probably.
Donna: Then why'd you even ask?
Chandler: To annoy you.
Donna: Have fun at lunch Chandler. (Donna turns to leave)
Chandler: Donna wait! What's her name?
Donna: Kathleen.
Chandler: Is she a friend of yours?
Donna: An acquaintance. Goodbye Chandler.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica and Michael are present)
Monica: Michael, don't, don't put that in your mouth. You put it in your mouth anyway. Give me that. (takes the object from Michael) We don't eat the remote control. It's dirty. Though I just did disinfect it, but still, it's dirty. God I need help, I'm cleaning the remote control.
Michael: Juice?
Monica: No more juice. Do you want water?
Michael: Juice?
Monica: Ah, I'm too tired to fight with you. (Monica gets Michael some juice) Here you go sweetie. (There's a knock on the door) I'll be right there. (Monica opens the door. It's Rachel and Caitlin) Rachel.
Rachel: Surprise! Look, I know you told me that you wanted to lay low today but I'm not gonna let you. You know why?
Monica: Because you're trying to be like Phoebe?
Rachel: Because you need a kick in the pants. (putting down Caitlin) Go play with Michael sweetie.
Monica: Rach, I really appreciate this but I really just want to be by myself today.
Rachel: Sorry, I can't let you do that. As your best friend and your sister-in-law it's my duty to cheer you up.
Monica (smiling and pointing to her mouth): There, mission accomplished. Time to go.
Rachel: Ok, ok, ok. We don't have to go anywhere, at least not until lunch.
Monica: Rachel….
Rachel: Come on, I walked all the way over here.
Monica: I live four blocks from you.
Rachel: Hey, if you're carrying a toddler it's a long four blocks.
Monica: Where's your stroller?
Rachel: Ah, Ross and I broke it.
Monica: How?
Rachel: You really don't wanna know. Look, we can talk and the kids can play. Then at lunch we can go over to the restaurant for a free lunch.
Monica: Even if I say no you're still not gonna go home are you?
Rachel: Getting the French to approve the UN Resolution for war against Iraq would be easier.
FOREST PARK GOLF COURSE, QUEENS NY (Ross and Phoebe are present)
Ross: Why did you go ahead and buy golf clubs Pheebs? You've never even played before.
Phoebe: Well how do you expect me to be able to play if I don't have clubs to play with?
Ross: You do what I do, you rent them.
Phoebe: Oh.
Ross: Are you sure you want to do this?
Phoebe: Yeah. I figure if I'm any good I could join the women's professional tour. I'm getting bored sitting at home so this looks like fun.
Ross: Phoebe, those women on the professional tour have been playing golf for years. They didn't just wake up one day and decide that they wanted to be professional golfers
.
Phoebe: I realize that silly. I figure I'll have to play at least ten times before I'm ready to join the tour. So how do we decide who goes first?
Ross: You can go first.
Phoebe: Ok. Ah, which club do I use and where's the hole? I can't see it.
Ross: Here, use this 3-iron and the hole is a dogleg right.
Phoebe: Dogleg? Is that some sexual term modified for golf?
Ross: It means the hole bends to the right. Just aim straight ahead.
Phoebe: Ok. I know what to do with this. This is a tee. I put the tee in the ground and the ball on top of it. Right?
Ross: Right.
Phoebe: Ok. Here we go.
Ross: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Ross: You tee off from the red tees.
Phoebe: The ones way up there?
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: Why?
Ross: Because you're a woman.
Phoebe: What kind of sick sexist game is this! I get a head start just because I'm a woman? Men thought up this stupid game didn't they? They sat around and thought to themselves "how can we demean women even more". I will not be demeaned!
Ross: The rules allow a woman to tee off in front of the men to even the playing field. Men just hit the ball farther than women. That's all.
Phoebe: Well this is one woman who's playing from the men's tees.
Ross: Ok, ok, just go ahead and hit the ball.
(Phoebe puts her ball on the tee and takes a practice swing. She nearly falls over)
Phoebe: Whoa! Lost my balance there. Must be my boobs throwing off my balance again.
Ross: We've got 18 holes to play Pheebs. At this rate we'll be lucky to finish one.
Phoebe: Would you be quiet, I'm trying to hit the ball here.
(Phoebe slowly brings the club back then unleashes her swing. She hits the ball straight down the fairway about 160 yards)
Ross: I don't believe it. How'd you do that?
Phoebe: You were standing right there. How'd you think I did it?
Ross: Let me show you how it's done. (Ross tees up his ball, takes a practice swing, then swings with all his might. He tops the ball causing it to go a mere 40 yards down the fairway) Sh^t!
Phoebe: I think you should've teed off from the women's tees. At least your ball would be past them then.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Michael, Rachel and Caitlin are present. Monica and Rachel are talking on the couch as Michael and Caitlin play on the floor)
Rachel: Have you and Chandler talked about it?
Monica: Yeah, a bunch. We learned a lot from the last time this happened. We didn’t talk about it and we started to resent one another.
Rachel: Did you ever tell your parents?
Monica: Two days ago. And you know what, my Mom was really supportive.
Rachel: I would hope so.
Monica: It's just, it's just that my Mom is constantly harping on me about everything I do. I get so afraid to tell her disappointing news at times because I don't want the criticism.
Rachel: I can kind of relate to that. My mother and I aren't getting along too well at the moment.
Monica: Why not?
Rachel: Well her forgetting my Dad's anniversary kind of put some strain on our relationship. That and the fact that she told me to move on with my life instead of remembering my father as a good person kind of pissed me off.
Monica: Yeah, I forgot about that. Have you spoken to her since?
Rachel: Every other week. Just so she can say hi to Caitlin. But it's all real superficial stuff.
Monica: My Mom actually offered to take Michael for a week or come out to talk what happened if I wanted that. I was really touched. Still might take her up on her offer.
Rachel: Is it any easier this time?
Monica: Is what easier?
Rachel: Dealing with the miscarriage.
Monica: No.
Rachel: I didn't think so.
Monica: It's just, it's just that I don't know why it happened again. Then again I don't know why it happened the first time either. I mean, how could it happen to someone twice?
Rachel: It happened to my mother twice.
Monica: It did?
Rachel: Yeah. Once between Laura and I and the second time between me and Jill.
Monica: I never knew that.
Rachel: Not something I go around telling people.
Monica: Then why'd you just tell me?
Rachel: To help you. I guess to help you realize that you're not the only one that this has happened to twice.
Monica: Yeah, I guess. I know I said that I was glad that I miscarried early this time, but I still wish that I hadn't miscarried at all.
Rachel: Good, because if you hadn't said that you wished that you hadn't miscarried at all I was going to shoot you.
Monica: I'm hungry. Wanna go get some free lunch? I know this place where I get free food.
Rachel: Yeah, I know about this place. I think I know the owner. Actually I think I had an intimate encounter with her.
Monica: We could always eat in.
Rachel: Yeah, we're not 21 anymore.
FOREST PARK GOLF COURSE, QUEENS NY (Ross and Phoebe are present)
Phoebe (hitting her ball straight towards the green): This is so much fun! Did you find your ball?
Ross (pulling a new ball out of his bag and dropping it on the fairway): No.
Phoebe: I think that's why they discourage you from hitting your ball in the woods.
Ross: Funny, I thought they did encourage it. You know, as a way to get back to nature.
Phoebe: Don't forget, you get penalized a stroke for hitting your ball in the woods.
Ross: Yes, I know the rules Phoebe. And you also reminded me the last time my ball went into the woods and I couldn't find it. (Ross addresses his ball. He takes the club head back, swings and promptly hits hit ball into the woods again) Damn it!
Phoebe: You should just put a tent up out there, you're spending so much time looking for your ball you might get tired. You could take a nap.
MICHAEL'S PLACE (Chandler enters and stops at the hostess station)
Chandler: Hey Lisa.
Lisa: Good to see you again Mr. Bing.
Chandler: Please, call me Chandler. I'm not that old.
Lisa: Sorry, it's just that Ms. Geller wants us to call everyone mister or miss.
Chandler: Did you say Ms. Geller?
Lisa: Yeah, your wife, Ms. Geller.
Chandler: No that's Mrs. Bing, not Ms. Geller.
Lisa: Whatever. You're lunch guest has already arrived. I'll take you to your table if you're ready.
Chandler: That'd be great. (under his breath) Ms. Geller, I'll give her Ms. Geller.
Lisa: Huh?
Chandler: Nothing.
Lisa: Here you go Mr. Bing, enjoy your lunch.
Chandler: Thank you Lisa. (pause) Ah Lisa, my lunch date isn't here. I thought you said she was here already.
Lisa: Here she comes now.
(Chandler looks up from the table and looks like he's seen a ghost)
Woman: Hello Chandler, it's great to see you again.
Chandler: Kathy, what the, why, how, when, what….
Kathy: It's good to see you too. Oh, I started doing Toys R Us commercials about six months ago. I play one of the Moms who buys toys for her kids. It's really nice of your company to take me to lunch. How have you been? You look great. (Chandler just sits in silence) Weren't expecting me huh? (Chandler nods his head no) Well here I am! Let's order some food and catch up.
THE KITCHEN OF MICHAEL'S PLACE (Monica, Michael, Rachel and Caitlin have entered through the back of the restaurant.)
Monica: Hey guys.
Waiter: Hey Ms. Geller.
Gretchen: Hey Mon, how you feeling?
Monica: Ok.
Gretchen (to Michael): How's my favorite little man?
Michael: Juice?
Monica: That's his favorite word right now. Gretchen, this is my sister-in-law Rachel and her daughter Caitlin.
Rachel: Hey.
Gretchen: Nice to meet you. (to Caitlin) Hey there sweetie. (Caitlin moves behind Rachel's leg) You're a little shy huh?
Rachel: It's the weirdest thing, she's afraid of grown women but she loves grown men.
Monica: And with Michael it's just the opposite, really weird.
Gretchen: Yeah, I'm not too crazy about grown women but I love grown men.
Monica: You're sick. How's the lunch rush going?
Gretchen: Well given that I've had a minute to talk to you, I'm gonna say that it's busy but not so busy that I want to kill somebody. Do you have a sec? I need to review some purchase orders with you.
Monica: Yeah. (to Rachel) You don't mind Rach do you?
Rachel: Take your time. I'll go get us a table.
THE DINING AREA OF MICHAEL'S PLACE (Chandler and Kathy are present)
Kathy (grabbing Chandler's hand): Do you remember when we were together?
Chandler (removing his hand from Kathy's): I remember you sleeping with that other guy. I remember that.
(Rachel, Caitlin and Michael emerge from the kitchen. Rachel spots Chandler, goes to talk to him, and then realizes he's with someone. Rachel can't see who he's with but knows it's a woman. She takes an interest. However, every time she looks away she doesn't see Chandler remove his hand from Kathy's)
Kathy (grabbing Chandler's hand again): I always felt really bad about that. I always wanted to call to say I was sorry and see if we could patch things up.
Chandler (removing his hand from Kathy's): You, you knew I worked at Toys R Us didn’t you? You set this whole lunch up.
Kathy (grabbing Chandler's hand and pulling it towards her mouth): Maybe.
Chandler (yanking his hand back): I'm a married man Kathy. A married man. If you want to talk business, then we can talk business. Just leave my personal life out of the conversation.
Kathy (rubbing Chandler's leg under the table): When did you get so assertive? You were never like this when we were together. I used to walk all over you.
Chandler: Well I guess dating bitches like you toughen up a man.
(Monica emerges from the kitchen and joins Rachel and the kids. She doesn't see Chandler because Rachel stands in her way)
Rachel: You know what, I'm not really hungry anymore. Let's go back to your place.
Monica: But I'm hungry and Michael needs lunch.
Rachel: We can stop at McDonald's on the way home. It's cheaper.
Monica: The food is free here Rachel. Nothing is cheaper than free.
Rachel: But I'm really in the mood for McDonald's.
Monica: You just said you weren't very hungry.
Rachel: For Italian food. I need a greasy burger.
(cut to Chandler and Kathy)
Kathy: Did you just call me a bitch?
Chandler: I used the term bitches but, yes, I was implying that you're a bitch.
Kathy (getting up from the table): You must not value your career very much. I happen to know your boss and we're close personal friends. I think Donna will be very interested in what transpired here today.
Chandler: Do you want to borrow my cell phone? You can call her from right here.
Kathy: Don't tempt me.
Chandler: I'm not tempting, I'm encouraging you.
Kathy: Thanks for the lunch. You still are the pathetic loser that I dumped. (Kathy leaves)
(Chandler retrieves the check from the waiter, places money down on the table and leaves. Cut to Rachel, Monica and the kids. Rachel has seen Chandler leave)
Monica: Why are we still standing here? Are we going to McDonalds or not?
Rachel: Let's, let's just stay here. I mean, we're already here. We might as well stay here.
Monica: Do you have ADD or something? You keep looking over my shoulder, can't make a decision and you're talking really fast.
Rachel: Too much caffeine. Let's go get us a table.
Monica: You still haven't gotten us a table?
Rachel: Well I was waiting for you. You own the place, who has more pull in getting us a table, me or you?
FOREST PARK GOLF COURSE, QUEENS NY (Ross and Phoebe are present. They are on a green and Phoebe is getting ready to putt. She has fifteen feet to the hole)
Phoebe: $20 I make this putt.
Ross: I think I've lost enough money to you already.
Phoebe: How about this? If I miss, I'll forgive the $100 you've lost to me. If I make it, you still owe me $100.
Ross: Fine. Just putt the damn ball.
(Phoebe lines up her putt, addresses the ball then hits it. The ball goes in the hole)
Phoebe: Look at that! It went in! Let's see that gives me a 6 on this hole. What'd you get?
Ross (quietly): A 9.
Phoebe: What was that?
Ross: I said a 9. I got a 9.
Phoebe: How long have you played this game?
Ross: I already told you Phoebe, since I was twelve.
Phoebe: And you've had lessons and everything?
Ross: Yes.
Phoebe: Well you should get your money back because you really suck.
Ross: And you've never played golf before today?
Phoebe: Nope.
Ross: And yet you're beating me by like ten strokes.
Phoebe: Eleven actually.
Ross: How is that even possible?
Phoebe: Well it's quite simple Ross. You suck and I don't.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Michael, Rachel and Caitlin are present)
Rachel: Thanks for buying lunch Mon.
Monica: Our lunch was free Rachel.
Rachel: Yeah but technically you paid for the food that we ate, unless of course that food grows on trees in the alley behind the restaurant.
Monica: I'm gonna put Michael down for a nap. Do you want to put down Caitlin as well or are you going to go home?
Rachel: I don't have anywhere to be. Caitlin, time to take a nap.
Monica: Come on sweetie, let's go take a nap with Michael. (to Rachel) I'm gonna put these two down and then I need to use the bathroom.
Rachel: Ok.
(Monica takes Michael and Caitlin into Michael's room. After a minute she emerges and shuts the door)
Monica: I'll be right back.
Rachel: Ok.
(Monica goes into her bedroom to use the master bath. Chandler enters the flat)
Chandler: Hey Rach.
Rachel: Don't hey Rach me mister. Come into the hall.
(Rachel and Chandler go out to the hall)
Chandler: That time of the month?
Rachel: I saw you at the restaurant today. I saw you holding hands with that woman. How could you? Cheating on Monica and right after she suffered another miscarriage. Are you that coldhearted?
Chandler: What are you talking about? I'm not cheating on Monica.
Rachel: Now you're lying to me too. I can't believe you. I saw you with that other woman Chandler.
Chandler: You saw me with Kathy Rachel.
Rachel: So she has a name!
Chandler: Most people do.
Rachel: What were you doing holding hands with another woman? And who's Kathy?
Chandler: Kathy is my ex-girlfriend Kathy and I wasn't holding her hand. She kept trying to hold mine and I kept pulling my hand away from hers.
Rachel: So not only are you cheating on Monica but you're cheating on Monica with your ex-girlfriend Kathy. And don't give me this crap about you pulling your hand away. I was watching you the entire time and not once did you try to move your hand away from hers.
Chandler: Do you want me to go tell Monica what happened to me at lunch today? I'd be happy to tell her. I've got nothing to hide.
Rachel: You're just afraid that I'm going to tell her.
Chandler: I'm really not.
Rachel: Then let's go tell her. We'll see who she believes.
Chandler: Nothing happened Rachel. You've totally misinterpreted what was going on between Kathy and I at lunch.
Rachel: And what do I think happened Chandler?
Chandler: In your convoluted mind you think I'm cheating on my wife. One, I love my wife and two, I'd never cheat on her because if I did, she'd hunt me down and kill me.
(Chandler and Rachel go back inside. Monica's in the kitchen)
Monica: For a minute there Rach I thought you'd been abducted by aliens. Hey honey.
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: What are you doing home early?
Chandler: I had a lunch appointment and then I bugged off work for the rest of the day.
Rachel (sarcastic): And who'd you have lunch with Chandler?
Chandler (sarcastic): Funny you should ask Rachel.
Monica: What's up with you two?
Chandler: Donna sent me to have lunch with one of the actresses that appear in our commercials so I made a reservation at Michael's. So I get to the restaurant and it turns out my lunch date was Kathy.
Monica: Who's Kathy?
Rachel: His ex-girlfriend.
Chandler: Do you mind? I'm trying to explain what happened to my wife.
Monica: Happened?
Chandler: We ordered our food and started with the small talk. Then she grabs my hand and asks me if I remembered when we were together? Pulling my hand away from hers I said yes, I remembered her sleeping with that other guy. She then takes my hand again and says that she always felt really bad about that and had wanted to call to say she was sorry and see if we could patch things up. I removed my hand from hers again and accused her of knowing that I worked for Toys R Us and setting our little lunch date up. She then grabs my hand again and says maybe. I immediately yanked my hand back and told her that I was a married man and that if she wanted to talk business that that was fine but she was to leave my personal life out of the conversation.
Then she has the nerve to start stroking my leg under the table and asks when I got so assertive. She said I was never like that when we were together. I merely replied that dating bitches like her toughen up a man. Needless to say, she got a little upset. She threatened to call Donna so I offered her my cell phone. She then got up and left. That's what happened to me at lunch today.
Rachel thinks I was cheating on you, but I wasn't.
Monica: I see.
Rachel: Do you need me to go?
Monica: No, not at all. I already knew that Chandler had lunch with Kathy today.
Chandler/Rachel: What?
Monica: Yeah, Gretchen mentioned it to me when we were in the office going over some purchase orders. She said that Chandler was meeting a woman for lunch. Gretchen, being the good friend that she is, was a little suspicious so she told Lisa to get the name of Chandler's lunch guest when she arrived.
Chandler: You were checking up on me?
Monica: Not me. Gretchen was.
Rachel: So the entire time I was trying to distract you at the restaurant you already knew that Chandler was having lunch with Kathy.
Monica: Exactly. And do you really think Chandler would be stupid enough to have lunch with his mistress at my own restaurant?
Chandler: No, only Joey is capable of making that mistake.
Monica: I wasn't asking you.
Rachel: Definitely not. It's just that I kept seeing Chandler and Kathy holding hands and he didn't seem to be making any effort to remove them so I figured the worst.
Monica: But you had both kids with you while I was in the office. There's no way that you could've kept your eyes on Chandler the entire time, not with two toddlers at your feet.
Rachel: You're right, you're totally right. Chandler could've pulled his hand away when I wasn’t looking and Kathy could've taken it back by the time I looked back. I'm sorry Chandler, I'm sorry I accused you of cheating on Monica.
Chandler: Well you should be.
Monica: Chandler.
Chandler: You're forgiven. (the phone rings) That's Donna.
Monica: You were supposed to go back to work weren't you? (answering the phone) Hello? (pause) He sure is. (to Chandler) It's the Pope.
Chandler: Hello? (pause) Hey Donna. (pause) Yes, yes I did. I called her a bitch. She was threatening my marriage so I called her a bitch. (pause) Great, I'll see you tomorrow. (Chandler hangs up)
Monica: What was that all about?
Chandler: Donna knows Kathy and Kathy called Donna to tell her that I called her a bitch at lunch. Donna just wanted to say that she agreed with my assessment and that she'd see me tomorrow.
Monica: You really called her a bitch.
Chandler: She deserved it. She was threatening my marriage. The only people around here allowed to mess with my marriage are me and you.
Monica: That's so sweet.
Chandler: Speaking of messing with our marriage….
Monica: Yeah?
Chandler: I need to talk to Ms. Geller.
Monica: Ms. Geller?
Rachel: I think he found out about you going by Ms. Geller at work.
Monica: Crap, how'd you find about that?
Chandler: Lisa the hostess let your little secret spill. You're just gonna force me to go by Mr. Bing at work.
Monica: You already are Mr. Bing.
Rachel: Maybe he should go by Mrs. Bing.
Chandler: Shut up Rachel. Then I'll go by my alter ego.
Rachel: Gay boy?
Chandler: Forget I said anything.
Monica: You should go by Gay Boy down at the office honey. You'd lighten up the place.
Rachel: Yeah, he really should. You should tell Jenna to start calling him Gay Boy at work.
Chandler (going into the family room): I hope you two burn in hell.
Monica: Where ya goin' Gay Boy? Ms. Geller isn't finished talking with you yet.
FOREST PARK GOLF COURSE, QUEENS NY (Ross and Phoebe are present. They've completed their round and are in the lounge)
Phoebe: We've totally got to do this again. This was so much fun.
Ross: Yeah, why don't you go with Chandler or Joey.
Phoebe: Come on Ross, I'm sure it was beginner's luck.
Ross: You beat me by fifteen strokes!
Phoebe: I was trying to sugarcoat it. But hey, if we don't count the eight balls you lost, I only beat you by seven strokes.
Ross: Please, please tell me that you've played golf before.
Phoebe: I have.
Ross: I knew it.
Phoebe: I just played for the first time.
Ross: But you just said that you'd played before!
Phoebe: I know. Before means in the past, and when you asked me if I had played before, I had just finished playing. Therefore, I had played in the past. Don't worry, I won't tell the others that I kicked your ass.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Joey is present)
Chandler (to Ross): She beat you? She beat you from the men's tees and by fifteen strokes?
Monica: It's just like growing up all again hey bro. Getting beat by a girl.
Ross: I'm telling you, Phoebe's played before. She's lying about it.
Phoebe: I am not and I'm insulted that you'd even think that.
Rachel: So Phoebe beat you. So what? I beat you when we played tennis.
Monica: And I can still beat his ass in a two-mile run.
Chandler: Is there anything you can beat a woman at Ross?
Ross (to Phoebe): You, you, you promised me you wouldn't tell them!
Phoebe: I forgot. I'm so sorry.
Rachel: I got it! He beat me at badminton.
Monica (laughing): Definitely a manly sport.
Ross: Fine, laugh all you want. But I played rugby with guys that were way stronger than me and I held my own. Phoebe was there, she'll tell you. Emily thought I was a man that day that's for sure.
Phoebe: He held his own. He got the crap beat out of him but he held his own.
(Suddenly no one is saying anything. Ross realizes that he brought Emily up)
Ross: Ah Rach, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring her up.
Rachel: It's ok, you were just defending yourself. I'm sorry I gave you badminton. That was a low thing to do.
Chandler: Speaking of low, what did you shoot Phoebe?
Phoebe: An 89.
Chandler: And I won't be golfing with you anytime soon.
CLOSING CREDITS
PAGET, BERMUDA - ELBOW BEACH RESORT (Joey and Jenna are present. They're poolside)
Joey: You know how I haven't been working lately?
Jenna: Painfully aware.
Joey: Well for the past couple of months Phoebe and I have been taking golf lessons down at that indoor place. Phoebe's gotten pretty good. It's like she's a natural or something. Me, I suck.
Jenna: When we get back to New York you're finding a job.