THE ONE WITH PARIS
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
SOMEWHERE OVER THE ATLANTIC OCEAN – TRANS WORLD AIRLINES (Ross, Rachel, Brad and Jennifer are present)
Rachel: I’m so excited!
Brad: Yeah, we really couldn’t tell.
Jennifer: Where’re we staying in France? Which hotel?
Ross: We’re not staying in a hotel.
Rachel: Huh? You mean we’re staying in a hostel or something?
Brad: No, we’re staying in a furnished two bedroom apartment for the week.
Rachel: Get out!
Brad: I can’t, we’re 35,000 feet above the Atlantic Ocean and there’re no parachutes.
Jennifer: You two rented a furnished two bedroom apartment for the week for us?
Brad: Well I did. Originally we were staying in a hotel but after some careful research I found that it’s not that much more money to rent our own two bedroom apartment in Paris for a week. This way we’ll have total privacy.
Ross: Except that we won’t be able to call for room service.
Brad: Yeah, but we do have Jen and Rach so it’s not like we can’t get something prepared for us when we need it Ross.
Ross: This is true. Of course the only Rachel knows how to make is peanut butter and jelly, but hey, you have to start somewhere.
Rachel: Hey Jen, wouldn’t it be fun to see Europe by ourselves?
Jennifer: I was thinking the exact same thing.
Brad: I think you both are totally misunderstanding what I meant. What I meant is that Ross and I would be happy to make either of you whatever you wanted to eat. In fact, Ross and I will be at your beck and call.
Ross: We will? (Brad looks at Ross) Of course we will.
Rachel: Well now that’s more like it. What do you think Jen?
Jennifer: I guess, though I think seeing Europe with just you would be pretty fun too.
OPENING CREDITS
MONICA & CHANDLER’S FLAT (The Bing family is present)
Chandler: Ready to go Mikey?
Monica: Where’re you going?
Chandler: To see Grandma and Grandpa.
Monica: No you’re not.
Chandler: Excuse me?
Monica: I said you’re not going to see my parents.
Chandler: What? Why can’t I take Michael to see his grandparents?
Monica: Because my parents have not come over here to say hello.
Chandler: Then grab the twins and let’s go say hi.
Monica: You don’t understand what I’m telling you. We will not see my parents until they come here to see us.
Chandler: Have you been hanging out with Joey?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Because that’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.
Monica: I’m serious Chandler. You’re not to see my parents until they stop by here to say hello.
Chandler: My God, this is about you feeling inferior to Ross in your parents’ eyes isn’t it?
Monica: No, I just want to see how long it takes them to come over here to say hello.
Chandler: And the longer it takes them, the more you will feel your opinion of their love for you is validated. Relationships are a two-way street Monica, reaching out to your parents is the right thing to do, not sitting around here waiting for them to show up.
Monica: You? You’re giving me a lecture on reaching out to my parents? When’s the last time you spoke to your Dad Chandler?
Chandler: Yesterday.
Monica: You’re full of sh^t.
Michael: Mommy swore!
Monica: Sorry honey, Mommy didn’t mean to swear.
Chandler: I’m not lying to you Monica. I talked to my Dad yesterday.
Monica: So he called you.
Chandler: No, I called him.
Monica: You, you called your Dad? You expect me to believe that?
Chandler: You can believe what you want Monica but I in fact called my Dad yesterday to say hello.
Monica: Fine, you talked to your Dad.
Chandler: I talked to my Mom too. I tracked her down in London.
Monica: You called your Mom in London with our phone?
Chandler: Of course not, I used my cell phone, it’s cheaper.
Monica: What, what, was yesterday call your parents day? Was there a national holiday that I missed or something?
Chandler: No, it was just that I hadn’t talked to my parents in a while and I wanted to update them on our kids and our lives. I was just trying to reach out to them in hopes that they’d reach out to me in the future.
Monica: Well that’s real noble of you honey but Jack and Judy are my parents and we’re not seeing them until they decide to drop by to say hello.
Chandler: Since when did you turn into a ten year old?
Monica: Hey! I said we’re not seeing them until they drop by here and that’s final! They’re not your parents Chandler so stay out of it! (Monica goes into the master bedroom and slams the door)
Chandler (to himself): It’s either that time of the month and it’s worse than it usually is or something crawled up her ass and got stuck.
CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe and Jack are present as the Tribbiani family enters)
Phoebe: Look honey, it’s moving boy and girl and their little sidekick.
Jack: You never let up do you?
Joey: Hey Jack, hello Phoebe.
Phoebe: Man Jenna, you’re getting fat.
Jenna: Having a baby will do that to you Phoebe. And just so you know, when you start to look like I do right now, I will also point out that you’re getting fat too.
Phoebe: Nah, I won’t look as fat as you because I’m taller than you. I have more area to spread it around. You, you’re tiny so there’s no place for the baby to go except out.
(Jenna bursts into tears)
Joey: Jesus Christ Phoebe! (to Jenna) It’s ok honey, you’re not fat, you’re a beautiful woman.
Jenna: I’m, I’m, I’m hideous looking. I’m a fat pig.
Joey: The only person who’s hideous around here is Phoebe. (to Phoebe) Look what you’ve done!
Phoebe: I, I, I was just kidding around. I didn’t mean a word I said. I think Jenna’s absolutely gorgeous. She’s always been gorgeous and always will be. (to Jenna) Seriously sweetie, I was just fooling around. You’re not fat all. You’re way more prettier than me.
Jack: And way nicer.
Phoebe: I’m gonna pretend you didn’t just say that.
Jenna (composing herself): I’m, I’m sorry. My hormones are just out of control right now and they’ve got me on a rollercoaster ride of emotions.
Joey: This is true. Earlier she threatened to kill me with the iron when I accidentally bumped into her while she was ironing.
Jenna: I was serious Joey.
Joey: What?
Jenna: I’m just kidding.
Joey: Well you damn well weren’t kidding when you said that to me.
Jack: When did you get back Joey?
Joey: Two days ago.
Phoebe: And here I thought you had just been avoiding me.
Joey: Well I have.
Jenna: Be nice.
Joey: I’m just telling the truth.
Phoebe: How was LA?
Joey: LA was great. What’s been going on around here?
Phoebe: Well Ross and Rachel are splitting up because Ross slept with the 16 year old babysitter and Chandler got arrested for stabbing Monica during a heated argument but other than that nothing much has happened since you were gone.
Jack: You left out one part.
Phoebe: I did?
Jack: Yes, the part where you told me you wanted a divorce because you had converted to lesbianism.
Phoebe: Oh right. Yeah, Francesca is my new lesbian lover. But other than that, nothing else much is new.
Jenna: Oh, you had to bring up lesbians.
Jack: What’s the matter with lesbians?
Jenna: Joey’s new infatuation is lesbians.
Joey: I am not infatuated with lesbians and what the hell does infatuation mean anyway?
Jenna: It means you’re obsessed with lesbians. You haven’t stopped talking about your experience since you got back home.
Phoebe: Joey had a lesbian experience?
Jack: All men have lesbian experiences, that’s if being a lesbian means being in love with women.
Jenna: Well Joey got to witness first hand two women going at it.
Phoebe: You’re gonna have lesbians on your sitcom? That’s so cool, and progressive I might add.
Joey: No, no, no, there are no lesbians on my show. I merely got to watch a taping of a show about lesbians.
Jack: That show The L Word?
Joey: Yeah, you know about it?
Jack: I only watch it every Sunday night.
Phoebe: What? Since when are you watching a show about lesbians and where the hell am I?
Jack: It’s on Showtime every Sunday at 10 and you’re usually reading in bed.
Phoebe: And it didn’t occur to you that I might like to watch a bunch of women having sex together?
Jack: Um, no.
Jenna: Well I just don’t get it. I just don’t see what the appeal is of watching a show about lesbians.
Joey: That’s because you’re not into women honey.
Jenna: So? You’re a straight male. Where’s the appeal for you?
Joey: Woman on woman is only near the top of all men’s fantasies.
Jack: That and the fact that the show is really well done.
Phoebe: Ah please, you’re gonna find anything with women making out with each other entertaining and well done.
Jack: That may be true but it’s still a really good show.
Joey: And all of the actresses are super nice.
Jack: You met them?
Joey: Sure did.
Phoebe: Joey, why do you keep crabbing your crotch?
Joey: I'm not grabbing my crotch.
Phoebe: You've been grabbing at your crotch ever since you walked in here. What did you do? Pick up the clap in LA or something?
Jenna: Finally, someone else who's noticed his behavior. He keeps telling me I'm seeing things.
Jack: You continue to grab yourself like that Joe and you're gonna get arrested for a lewd act.
Joey: You guys are crazy, I'm perfectly fine, I just feel like I have to pee all the time is all.
Phoebe: Didn't you have that problem before?
Joey: I did and it went away. It'll go away again.
Jenna: What you should do is go to the Doctor's.
Joey: I don't need a doctor, there's nothing wrong with me.
Jenna: You keep playing with yourself in public!
Joey (as the rest of people in the coffeehouse stare at him): Thank you for that. I'm fine, it'll pass.
Phoebe: Jenna's right Joe, you should go to the Doctor's.
Joey: It's Saturday, I can't go to the Doctor's. The Doctor's close.
Jack: That's what emergency rooms are for.
Joey: But this isn't an emergency.
Jack: Yet you feel like you constantly have to take a piss.
Joey: Exactly.
Jack: Sounds like an emergency to me.
PARIS, FRANCE (Ross, Rachel, Jennifer and Brad are present. They’re getting ready to go out for the day)
Jennifer: How’d you guys sleep?
Rachel: Not real well. I have no idea what time it is.
Ross: We’re six hours ahead of New York.
Rachel: Yeah, that doesn’t do me any good.
Brad: We’re going to the Eiffel Tower first?
Jennifer: Sounds good to me.
Ross: Did you know that Gustave Eiffel, who designed the Eiffel Tower, also designed the base of the Statute of Liberty?
Rachel: Well I’ve learned my stupid fact for the day, I guess I’ll hit the sack.
Brad: Lay it all on us now Ross, get it out of your system now.
Ross: Huh?
Brad: I know that you know all about the history of the tower, might as well tell us now while we’re still on the ground ‘cause if you start telling me about it when we’re a 1,000 feet off the ground I’m liable to throw your ass off the tower.
Ross: Ok, here it goes. The tower was constructed between 1887-1889 by 300 workers, only one of which who died. The tower opened to the public on March 31, 1889 and is 1,052 feet high. The top viewing deck is 952 feet high. And on a clear day, you can see over 42 miles away.
Rachel: Christ, I know I married a geek but you’ve gone way overboard honey.
Jennifer: I’m even afraid to ask if he looked up the history of the famous battlefields in the World Wars. (Ross doesn’t say anything)
Rachel: Ok. Hey you?
Ross: No more history lessons.
Rachel: Thank you.
Brad: Wait a minute, Ross might be able to provide some fascinating background as to what happened at Normandy or Caen during World War II.
Rachel: You’ve obviously not listened to Ross explain the history of an ancient dinosaur bone.
Ross: Hey that is not boring, that is interesting material to most people.
Rachel: Honey I love you very much but I only let you talk about that stuff with me when I’m having a hard time falling to sleep.
Jennifer: Man, I should have you send him over when I’m having trouble getting to sleep. It would sure beat taking Tylenol PM. I always feel a little hung over the next morning after I take that stuff.
Rachel: Well the next time you find yourself in that situation, just call me and I’ll send right over.
Ross: Fine, you try to bring an educated mind to the table and all you get is ridiculed for it.
Brad: Don’t feel bad buddy, we’re gonna make fun of you no matter what mind you bring to the table.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica emerges from the master bedroom to find Michael playing in the family room)
Monica: Michael, where's Daddy?
Michael: I don’t know.
Monica: Is he here?
Michael: No.
Monica: Do you know where he went?
Michael: No.
Monica: But he took your little brother and sister with him?
Michael: Uh huh.
Monica: Did he go see Grandma and Grandpa?
Michael: I don't know. He just said he would be back.
Monica: Come on, let's go see Grandma and Grandpa. (to herself under her breath) I'm gonna f^cking kill him.
ROSS & RACHEL'S FLAT (Jack, Judy, Caitlin and Keeley are present)
Jack: We should really go say hello to Monica dear.
Judy: When the baby wakes up we'll go over.
Caitlin: Grandma?
Judy: Yes sweetie?
Caitlin: When do Mommy and Daddy come home?
Judy: Oh, they're going to be gone for a while sweetie. They'll be home in a month. That's why Grandpa and Grandma are here, to watch you and Keeley.
(Caitlin starts to cry)
Jack: You've made her cry Judy. Stop making her cry.
Judy: Come here honey, come see Grandma. (Caitlin hops up on Judy's lap) What's the matter?
Caitlin: I want my Mommy.
Judy: I know you do sweetie but Mommy and Daddy went on vacation. But look at the bright side Caitlin, Grandma is here to watch you and that means you get to do pretty much whatever you want.
Caitlin: Really?
Judy: With in reason but yes. So see, there's no need to cry.
Caitlin: Ok. (pause) Can I have ice cream for dinner?
Judy: Sure, why not?
Caitlin: Yeah! I love you Grandma.
Judy: I love you too sweetie. Now go and play. (Caitlin gets down)
Jack: So you bribed her?
Judy: Well she isn't crying anymore now is she?
(Monica and Michael enter)
Jack: It's the long lost prodigal daughter.
Monica: Hello Dad, Mom.
Michael: Grandma!
Judy: We were going to come see you after the baby wakes up. I guess we don't have to now.
Monica: Where's Chandler?
Jack: He's your husband sweetie, how are we supposed to know where he is?
Monica: You mean he hasn't been by here with the twins?
Jack: No. Was he supposed to drop by?
Monica: No. I mean, I don't know. He just went somewhere with the twins and I thought he came here.
Judy: Did you do something new to your hair Monica?
Monica: Yeah Mom, I washed it.
Jack: Monica, don't be fresh with your Mother.
Judy: Well whatever I you did to it, I really like it. It brings out your beautiful eyes.
Monica: Ah, thanks. Ok, I have to go get ready for work but I will see you later. Let's go Michael.
Judy: He can stay here and play with Caitlin if you want. He's no trouble at all.
Monica: Oh, ok. Michael, do you want to stay here with Grandma and Grandpa?
Michael: Yes please.
Monica: Ok, Daddy will come get you later.
Jack: We'll bring him down after dinner. We still need to say hello to Chandler.
Monica: Ok. Well it's good to see you both again. I'll see you later.
Judy: Bye dear.
(Monica leaves)
Jack: Why is she acting so strange?
Judy: It's Monica dear, she's always acting strange.
BELLEVUE HOSPITAL (Joey and Jenna are present and are waiting for the Doctor)
Joey: We shouldn't have left Jet with Phoebe.
Jenna: Why not? Jet adores Phoebe.
Joey: That's great, my little girl adores a sociopath.
Jenna: You don't even know what sociopath means.
Joey: I do know this, that if you looked up the definition in the dictionary, Phoebe's picture would be next to the word.
Jenna: Well Jack is there too.
Joey: He's just as crazy as Phoebe, he married her for Christ's sake.
Jenna: You married Phoebe too you idiot.
Joey: As a punishment for stealing Hugsy, not for a real marriage.
(The doctor enters)
Doctor: Hi, I'm Erin Forest, you must be Joey.
Joey: That would be me.
Dr. Forest: So the nurse said that you are having problems with your bladder, an urgency to pee. Is that correct?
Joey: Ah, yeah.
Dr. Forest (handing Joey a sterile cup): Well if you'll just give me a specimen sample, we'll see if you have a bladder infection.
Joey: Specimen sample?
Jenna: You have to pee in the cup honey.
Joey: Oh. I can totally do that.
Dr. Forest: The bathroom's just down the hall. Put the specimen cup on this table when you're finished. I'll be right back.
(Cut to four minutes later. Joey returns to his room and places the cup on the counter)
Jenna: What happened?
Joey: Nothing happened.
Jenna: Something happened.
Joey: Nothing happened, so drop it.
Jenna: You peed on your hand didn't you?
Joey: Is that dropping it?
Jenna: Did you at least wash your hand after you peed on it?
Joey: Yes. For the record, I didn't mean to pee on my hand.
Jenna: I would hope not.
(Dr. Forest enters)
Dr. Forest: Ok, I'm gonna go run a test on this sample. I'll be right back.
(Dr. Forest leaves)
Jenna: So you still feel like you have to go?
Joey: No.
Jenna: Then let go of your penis.
Joey: Ok, so I still feel like I have to go.
Jenna: And this has been going on for over a week?
Joey: Yeah.
Jenna: And you didn't go to the Doctor's in LA why?
Joey: Duh, my Doctor is here in New York.
Jenna: They have emergency rooms in LA too Joey.
Joey: Well you should've told me that a week ago.
(Dr. Forest re-enters)
Dr. Forest: Well the good news is that you don't have a bladder infection.
Joey: What's the bad news?
Dr. Forest: Well that means I don't know why you feel the need to pee all the time. I'm going to refer you to Dr. Sassinger, she's an urologist. She's working today so all you need to do is go upstairs to the fourth floor to see her. She should be able to get to the bottom of the problem.
(Cut to twenty minutes later. Joey is now waiting for the urologist to see him. Jenna is waiting with him in the examination room)
Jenna: Are you sure you want me in here?
Joey: Yeah, why shouldn’t you be in here?
Jenna: Because the doctor is going to have to examine you.
Joey: So?
Jenna: So that means you’re gonna have to drop your pants.
Joey: And where’s the problem in that? You see me naked all the time.
Jenna: But I don’t examine you the way the Doctor is going to examine you.
Joey: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Jenna: Nothing really, I mean the Doctor is probably going to want to examine your prostate.
Joey: So?
Jenna: Well I wouldn’t think you’d want me around for when she does that.
Joey: Does what exactly?
Jenna: You know, check your prostate to see if it’s enlarged.
Joey: Ok, but how does she check my prostate?
Jenna: Well she’s gonna stick a couple of fingers up your butt and feel around.
Joey: Ok, time to leave.
Jenna: But you haven’t seen the Doctor yet.
Joey: No Doctor is sticking their finger up my ass. If we get out of here now, we won’t have to face the Doctor. Now let’s go. (Joey opens the door as Doctor Yassinger walks in)
Dr. Yassinger: Thank you for opening the door. You must be Joey.
Joey: Yes and I was just leaving.
Jenna: Joey, just let the Doctor examine you.
Joey: That’s easy for you to say, you’re not the one who’s going to be violated.
Dr. Yassinger: I’m not going to violate you Joey.
Joey: Yuh huh, you’re gonna stick your fingers up my ass.
Dr. Yassigner: Only as a last resort. Trust me, I don’t like doing that anymore than you like receiving it. Just tell me the symptoms you’ve been having.
Joey: I feel like I constantly have to pee.
Dr. Yassinger: Is it painful?
Joey: No, but it’s not comfortable either.
Dr. Yassinger: How long has it been going on?
Joey: About a week and a half.
Dr. Yassinger: And you’re just seeking treatment now?
Joey: I was in Los Angeles until two days ago.
Dr. Yassinger: And you didn’t consider seeking treatment in Los Angeles when the problem started?
Jenna: Let’s just say he wanted to wait to see his own Doctor and leave it at that.
Joey: Exactly.
Dr. Yassinger: Ok, do me a huge favor and lie down on the examination table.
Joey: No, no way! You’re just trying to trick me.
Dr. Yassinger: I promise you Joey, I’m not going to stick anything up your rectum.
Joey: Rectum! What the hell is a rectum!
Jenna: Your butt Joe.
Joey: Oh. I knew that. So if I get on this table and lie down, you’re not gonna stick your finger up my butt?
Dr. Yassinger: No.
Joey: Ok. (Joey gets on the examination table and lies down)
Dr. Yassinger: Ok, I need you to undo your jeans.
Joey: Why?
Dr. Yassinger: Because I have to examine you.
Joey: But you just said you weren’t sticking anything up my ass.
Dr. Yassinger: I’m still not going to stick anything up your rectum Joey. I just need to examine the rest of your equipment.
Jenna: Are you sure you don’t want me to wait outside Joey?
Joey: No, don’t worry about it, unless of course you have a problem with another woman feeling up my equipment.
Dr. Yassinger: Jenna, why don’t you wait outside for just a minute?
Jenna: Ok. I’ll be right outside honey.
Joey: No, don’t make her leave. She’s my only protection from you!
Dr. Yassinger: Joey, for the last time, I’m not going to examine you rectally.
Jenna: I’ll be right back Joe.
(Jenna leaves)
Dr. Yassinger (examining Joey): Do you feel any pressure in your testicles?
Joey: A little.
Dr. Yassigner: Does the tip of your penis feel more sensitive than normal?
Joey: No, it just feels like I have to pee.
Dr. Yassinger: That’s what I meant.
Joey: Then yes, it’s more sensitive.
Dr. Yassinger: Does the urgency to pee go away after ejaculation?
Joey: What!
Dr. Yassinger: It’s a simple question Joey. Does the urge go away after you have sex?
Joey: Well yeah, for a little while.
Dr. Yassinger: Ok, you can sit up. (walks over to the door and invites Jenna back in)
Joey: I’m gonna die aren’t I?
Dr. Yassinger: You’re not dying, your prostate is just enlarged a little bit and it’s causing your bladder to feel like you have to pee.
Joey: Then why’d you ask if having sex relieved some of the symptoms for a while?
Dr. Yassinger: Because ejaculating relieves pressure in your prostate thereby reducing the urgency to pee.
Joey: So you’re saying if I just have sex all the time I won’t have this problem anymore?
Dr. Yassinger: No. I’m saying that I’ll prescribe a bladder medication which will reduce your urge to pee. However, if the symptoms continue, we will need to examine you further.
Joey: Meaning that you’re gonna stick your finger up my butt.
Dr. Yassinger: If you like to put it that way, then yes.
Joey: But you’re not gonna do that today.
Dr. Yassinger: No.
Joey: So technically I could continue to have this problem and just take this medication that you’re gonna prescribe and not have to worry about getting examined any further.
Dr. Yassinger: Not exactly. You’d have thirty days and then you’d be out of pills.
Joey: Then I’ll just ignore it if the problem continues.
Dr. Yassinger: That would be an excellent idea. Of course it wouldn’t be too brilliant when your penis fell off, but that’s only a short term problem. We’ll just hook you up with a catheter and you can pee into that.
Joey: My penis isn’t gonna fall off.
Dr. Yassinger: Joey, I’m an urologist and have been one for over 15 years, I have seen it happen over and over again. The guy complains of the need to pee all the time, ignores it, then comes screaming to me when he wakes up one morning with his penis no longer attached to his body. It’s not a pretty sight. So, take the medication and if the problem continues, come back and see me and we’ll fix you up right. Ok?
Joey: Their, their dicks fell right off?
Dr. Yassinger: Yes.
Joey: Ok, ok, I’ll come back. I happen to have a very special relationship with my penis. Jenna too.
Jenna: Joey!
EIFFEL TOWER, PARIS, FRANCE (Ross, Rachel, Brad and Jennifer are present. Brad and Jennifer are signing autographs while Ross and Rachel take in the view)
Rachel: Poor Brad and Jennifer, they can’t go anywhere without getting hounded.
Ross: They really don’t seem to mind.
Rachel: I think they’re just being polite.
Ross: Isn’t the view incredible?
Rachel: Yeah, it really is. It’s as romantic as I thought it would be.
Ross: It’s funny that you should say that.
Rachel: Huh? (Ross gets down on one knee) What are you doing?
Ross: Just shut up for a minute.
Rachel: You’re telling me to shut up? I ought to kick you in your head.
Ross: Ok, please be quiet for a moment.
Rachel: Why are you down on one knee?
Ross: If you’d let me start you’d find out.
Rachel: Get up, people are looking at us.
Ross: So let them look.
Rachel: You’re embarrassing me.
Ross: Jesus Christ Rachel, just give me a minute and then this will all be over.
Rachel: Fine, fine.
Ross (taking out a ring box and opening it): Rachel Geller, will you do me the honor in renewing our marriage vows right here, right now?
Rachel: Oh my God, is that ring for me?
Ross: Only if you say yes.
Rachel: And if I don’t?
Ross: Then I guess I’ll have to give it to my mistress.
Rachel: You don’t have a mistress.
(Brad and Jennifer join them)
Jennifer: Sure he does. It’s me. And if you don’t accept that new wedding ring, I will.
Brad: Stop trying to get Ross back into bed.
Jennifer: Who said anything about getting Ross back to bed, I just want that ring. I mean, look at it, it’s absolutely gorgeous.
Ross: So do you have an answer honey?
Rachel: To what?
Ross: Will you renew your vows with me right here, right now?
Rachel: Yeah but there’s no minister around.
Brad: I think I can fill that role.
Rachel: Huh?
Brad: I went online and became a minister just so I could perform this ceremony for you and Ross. Is everyone ready?
Jennifer: Wait, wait! We need some flowers! (Jennifer runs off)
Rachel: This is absolutely crazy.
(Jennifer returns with some flowers)
Jennifer: Here you go.
Rachel: Where’d you get the flowers?
Jennifer: I bought them off a nice lady over on the other side. Ok honey, we’re all set.
Brad: Ok, here we go. Ross, please take Rachel’s hand. (Ross does so) Ross and Rachel, we stand here today to renew your marriage vows and to restate your love for one another. If at this time neither one of you loves the other anymore, now is the time to declare your need for a divorce. (long pause) Ok, we cleared that big hurdle, on with the ceremony. Ross, repeat after me. I Ross….
Ross: I Ross….
Brad: Continue to wish to be married to Rachel….
Ross: Continue to wish to be married to Rachel….
Brad: In sickness and in health….
Ross: In sickness and in health….
Brad: Through great sex and bad sex….
Jennifer: Brad!
Ross: Through great sex and bad sex….
Brad: Until the day I die.
Ross: Until the day I die.
Brad: I promise to continue to love you with all my heart…..
Ross: I promise to continue to love you with all my heart…..
Brad: To lift you up when you are down….
Ross: To lift you up when you are down….
Brad: To continue to be an excellent Father to our children…..
Ross: To continue to be an excellent Father to our children…..
Brad: And a faithful husband and best friend to you.
Ross: And a faithful husband and best friend to you.
Brad: Rachel, repeat after me. I Rachel…..
Rachel: I Rachel…..
Brad: Continue to wish to be married to Ross….
Rachel: Continue to wish to be married to Ross….
Brad: In sickness and in health….
Rachel: In sickness and in health….
Brad: Through great sex and bad sex….
Jennifer: Brad! Would you quit it with that part!
Rachel: Through great sex and bad sex….
Brad: Until the day I die.
Rachel: Until the day I die.
Brad: I promise to continue to love you with all my heart…..
Rachel: I promise to continue to love you with all my heart…..
Brad: To lift you up when you are down….
Rachel: To lift you up when you are down….
Brad: To continue to be an excellent Mother to our children…..
Rachel: To continue to be an excellent Mother to our children…..
Brad: And a faithful wife and best friend to you.
Rachel: And a faithful wife and best friend to you.
Brad: And now for your little ditty Ross.
Ross: Rachel, I love you more and more each day and as we renew our vows today I wish for you to accept this new wedding ring as a symbol of my ever undying love for you. (Ross takes off Rachel’s existing wedding ring and places the new one on her finger) I love you Rachel.
Rachel: I love you too honey.
Brad: By the powers vested in me through the online Church of Christ, I hereby reaffirm your marriage vows. You may now grope your wife.
(Ross kisses Rachel as the crowd that has gathered around them claps)
Ross: Huh, it seems we’ve attracted a crowd.
Rachel: I can’t believe you did all this.
Ross: Well I said to myself, where is the best place to renew your vows? And I thought, the Eiffel Tower, one of the most romantic spots in Paris.
Rachel: You are gonna get so lucky tonight.
Ross (laughing): That’s the real reason why I did this.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica is present as Chandler enters with Stephen and Peyton)
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Where in the hell have you been?
Chandler: I took the twins for a walk.
Monica: Yeah, it was more like duping me into thinking you went over to Ross and Rachel's to see my parents.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Don't play stupid with me Chandler, you knew what you were doing all along. Well congratulations, it worked.
Chandler: Monica, what the f^ck are you talking about? You told me you didn't want me to see your parents until they stopped by here first and I respected your wishes so where do you get off accusing me of doing something sneaky behind your back when I didn't do anything at all?
Monica: Ok, now you're really pissing me off.
Chandler: What? What did I do? I didn't do anything. I merely took Stephen and Peyton outside for some fresh air. Excuse me for being a father who wanted to spend time with his youngest children.
Monica: No, no, you knew that if you left without telling me where you were going that you knew that I'd assume that you went to see my parents at Ross and Rachel's and make me go over there looking for you.
Chandler: That's quite a story you're making up there Mon, it's a bunch of crap, but it's a good story if you want to believe in lies.
Monica: You're unbelievable. I can't believe you're lying to me like this.
Chandler: Ok that's it. I'm not putting up with this anymore. If you want to be a f^cking wounded baby every time your parents come to visit then be one, just don't expect me to defend you anymore.
Monica: What the hell does that mean?
Chandler: Exactly what it implies Monica. You have issues with your parents, your Mother in particular, and you hide behind this "they love Ross more than me" bit every time they visit. If you honestly feel that way, then maybe it is true. Maybe they do love Ross more than you, you're definitely not giving them a reason why they shouldn't.
(Monica bursts into tears)
Monica: How dare you! How dare you say so something mean to me when you don't even know what the hell you're talking about!
Chandler: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, come here.
Monica: Get away from me!
Chandler (putting his arms around Monica): Sweetie, there's obviously something going on. You've been on edge for the past week and now that your parents are here in New York I feel like I have to walk real careful around you. It's like I'm walking on broken glass.
Monica: It's, it's true, they love Ross more than they love me.
Chandler: It's not true, they love you both the same. Running away from your parents isn't going to bring them closer to you. You've got to reach out to them.
Monica: I have reached out to them. It's always the same thing, my Dad is his normal self and my Mother continues to find new ways to pick on my hair. I never do anything good enough to please them.
Chandler: Honey I know for a fact that your parents are proud of you.
Monica: How?
Chandler: They told me.
Monica: Well it’s new to me.
Chandler: I don’t understand how you can say that. I was in the room when they told you they were proud of you. I just don’t think you heard them.
Monica: When? When have they ever said that?
Chandler: The last time they visited. Your Mom mentioned how proud she was of you, running Michael’s Place and being a good Mother all at the same time.
Monica: Now I know you’re making this up. There’s no way in hell my Mother said that.
Chandler: See, this is exactly what I’m talking about. Your Mother did say that and I was there to witness it. Your only reaction at the time was to say thanks and go back to whatever it is you were doing. I just don’t think her compliment registered with you and I don’t know really know why. If you’re going to continue to feel inferior to your brother when it comes to your relationship with your parents, then there’s nothing else I can do.
.
Monica: I don't feel inferior to Ross.
Chandler: Then why don't you believe your parents when they give you positive feedback?
Monica: I don't know, I don't know. Look, I can't talk about this right now, I have to get ready for work.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I was only trying to help.
Monica: Well maybe this is the one time where I really don't need your help. I'm going to get ready for work.
PARIS, FRANCE (Ross, Rachel, Brad and Jennifer are present. The couples have retired for the evening)
Rachel: You know, just when I think you can’t out do yourself you go and pull something like this.
Ross: I’m a man of many romantic gestures.
Rachel: Have you ever had sex in a foreign land?
Ross: As a matter of fact I have.
Rachel: What! With who!
Ross: Jeez, calm down, it was with you. Oh and Emily of course.
Rachel: What! When did we have sex in a foreign land? And what did I say about bringing Emily up!
Ross: Ok, one I’m really sorry for even mentioning Emily but it seemed to be pretty obvious to me, I mean she was from London. And two, we had sex on our honeymoon which was in a foreign country.
Rachel: Oh right, I forgot about that. Are you ready to have sex in a foreign country again?
Ross: Not really, I’m really tired. Must be the jet lag.
Rachel: How can you have jet lag? We’re six hours ahead of New York.
Ross: Then I’m just really exhausted. Let’s just go to sleep.
Rachel (whining): But I wanna make love.
Ross: But I really have a headache.
Rachel: You can just lie there. You won’t have to do any of the work.
Ross: Oh now that’s romantic.
Rachel: Come on, it’s our second honeymoon, we’re supposed to have sex.
Ross: Ok, but only on one condition.
Rachel: You got it.
Ross: I get to fake it the same way you faked it with me in the limo on the way to the airport.
Rachel: What? You can’t fake it. It’s impossible for you to fake it.
Ross: Not necessarily.
Rachel: How, how could you possibly fake it?
Ross: I'll just say "oh yeah" and then get out of dodge.
Rachel: But I'll still know that you faked it. I can feel it when you come.
Ross: Well it's not a perfect plan, but it's as close as I'm going to get. So we'll screw around for a few minutes and then I'll say "the show's over", roll over and go to sleep. Take it or leave it.
Rachel: I can't believe your not willing to make love to your wife in one of the most romantic countries in the world. Or should I say cities in the world?
Ross: Ok, give me one good reason why I should make love to you. (Rachel takes Ross' hand and guides it between her legs) Ok, that's a really good reason, but I need a little more convincing. (Rachel goes under the covers and gives Ross another good reason) Oh sh^t, I think you found the right reason!
MICHAEL’S PLACE (Monica is working in the kitchen. A hostess enters)
Hostess: Monica?
Monica: Hey Ali, what's up?
Ali: A customer would like to see you.
Monica: Is something wrong?
Ali: They requested to see the Head Chef.
Monica: Ok. Peter, I'll be right back.
Peter: If they have a complaint, I didn't prepare it.
(Monica and Ali go out to the restaurant)
Ali: It's the table in the corner.
Monica: Thanks. (Monica goes over to the table and then realizes who it is) Mom? Dad?
Jack: Hi Monica.
Monica: What are you doing here?
Judy: We’re eating dinner sweetie. I must say that the food and the service are exceptional. You done quite a job here, you should be really proud of yourself. I know your Father and I are.
Monica: Well thank you, that means a lot to me.
Caitlin: Aunt Monica!
Monica: Hey there Caitlin. How are you?
Caitlin: Good. Mommy and Daddy are on vacation.
Monica: I know. It must be great having Grandma and Grandpa watching you and your baby sister.
Caitlin: It's the best. I had dessert for dinner.
Monica: Good for you. I'll make sure your parents don't find out about it.
Jack: Well we'll let you get back to work dear. We just wanted to say how great the food is.
Monica: Don't worry about the tab Dad. It's on the house.
Jack: Nonsense, we'll pay just like everybody else.
Monica: But Dad….
Jack: Just let us support our little girl that's all we ask.
Monica: Ok. Thanks for coming in. I'll see you guys tomorrow?
Judy: Sure, we'll bring the kids over to play with Michael and the twins.
Monica: Ok. Love you guys.
Jack: We love you too Monica.
CLOSING CREDITS
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Chandler, Michael, Stephen and Peyton are present. The kids are down for the night. Chandler is watching television as Monica comes in)
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: How was work?
Monica: You know, it was really great.
Chandler: So there were no more complaints about Peter?
Monica (laughing): No, for once Peter didn't almost get himself fired. (pause) About earlier, I'm really sorry I snapped at you. I was way out of line.
Chandler: It's ok. You do it again and I'll be forced to kill you, but it's ok.
Monica: My folks came to the restaurant tonight for dinner.
Chandler: Oh?
Monica: Yeah, it was really nice. They called me out of the kitchen to tell me that they're proud of me.
Chandler: It's like I told you earlier honey, they've always been proud of you.
Monica: Yeah, but this time I actually believed them.
Chandler: Well I'm really happy for you. Now come over here and make up with me.
Monica: Make up with you?
Chandler: Yeah, you have some making up to do. You hurt my feelings earlier and now you must pay the price.
Monica: Pay the price? How?
Chandler: Pull down your pants and your underwear and I'll show you how.
(Monica runs over to Chandler and jumps in his lap)
Monica: I guess I need to be a bitch towards you more often.
Chandler: Yeah, don't push your luck.