THE ONE WHERE NO ONE IS RIGHT

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Jenna Jr. and Phoebe are present)

Phoebe: So have you picked out your house yet?

Joey: What?

Phoebe: You know, where you’re going to live in Los Angeles after you move there.

Joey: We’re not moving to Los Angeles Phoebe. Jenna refuses to go.

Phoebe: Ok, so where are you going to live?

Joey: Right across the hall from you. Why are so antsy to get rid of me?

Phoebe: I’m not antsy.

Joey: Yes you are. Your running fantasy of Jenna and I moving to California is all you’ve talked about every time we’ve been together this past week and you refuse to acknowledge me when I say we’re not moving anywhere.

Phoebe: That’s because I know you’re moving.

Joey: Fine. If you don’t believe me, let’s have Jet tell you. Jet would never lie to you because she doesn’t know how to lie. Jet, are we moving to California?

Jenna Jr.: No move, we stay here.

Phoebe: I can’t believe you’ve brainwashed your child to lie for you.

Joey: She’s not lying! She has no reason to lie! She’s only a child!

Phoebe: Ok, ok, ok. You’re not moving.

Joey: Thank you. We are not going anywhere. That’s final.

(they sit in silence for a minute)

Phoebe: I still think you’re moving. (Joey picks up Jenna Jr. and leaves) And there was the breaking point.

OPENING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Jenna Jr., Ross, Caitlin, Keeley, Monica, Michael, Stephen and Peyton are present)

Ross: What’s this I hear about you and Jenna moving to California?

Joey: Who told you that?

Ross: Phoebe did. She came over the other day and casually mentioned that you guys were moving to California in a couple of months. Why didn’t you say anything to the rest of us?

Joey: Because Phoebe’s full of sh^t. We’re not moving anywhere.

Monica: Then why is Phoebe insisting that you are?

Joey: Other than to continue to piss me off, I really don’t have a f^cking clue. We’re not moving anywhere. Besides, Jenna has made it perfectly clear that the last place on earth she’d moved to is Southern California. She’s already lived there and she absolutely hated it.

Ross: So you’re not moving to California.

Joey: No. We’re not going anywhere.

(Phoebe enters and she’s mad)

Ross: Hey Pheebs, how are you?

Phoebe: I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!

Monica: What the hell happened to you?

Phoebe: You know how today is voting day?

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: Well I went to vote and the polling people wouldn’t let me.

Joey: Why not?

Phoebe: I don’t know, they said something about me not being a registered voter.

Ross: Well if you’re not a registered voter Phoebe then you can’t vote. That’s the way it works.

Phoebe: Ah, what the hell do you know?

Ross: I just told you what I know.

Phoebe: Well they’re wrong. I have to right to vote and I should be allowed to exercise that right.

Monica: And all you had to do was register to vote. You know, register as a Democrat or a Republican.

Phoebe: A what?

Ross: A Democrat or a Republican, the two major political parties in the United States.

Phoebe: I just want to vote. I don’t want to be affiliated with some political party.

Joey: Then you just register as an Independent. Then you can vote for whoever you want to.

Ross: Actually you can do that if you’re registered as a Democrat or a Republican too.

Phoebe: I just wanna vote!

Monica: Well you can vote Pheebs, you just have to wait for November’s election.

Phoebe: But I want to vote today! Why can’t I vote today?

Ross: Because you’re not a registered voter. You have to register to vote at least fourteen days prior to the election.

Phoebe: Well they should make that public!

Monica: Ah, they do. It’s always on the news right before an election.

Phoebe: Well that would require someone who actually watched the news now wouldn’t it?

Joey: I’m with Phoebe, I don’t watch the news either. It’s just a bunch of made up stuff anyway.

Ross: They don’t make the news up Joey. It wouldn’t be news if they it made it up.

Joey: Oh yeah, then what’s this crap about Iraq? That war’s been over for almost a year yet the news media is still reporting on servicemen being killed. If the war’s over, why are people still dying? I’ll tell you why, the news media is making it up.

Monica: My God, what rock have you been living under Joey? The news media isn’t making that stuff up, it’s 100% accurate. Those soldiers are still dying because the stupid President won’t bring them home.

Ross: The President can’t bring our troops home because Iraq still isn’t stable Monica.

Monica: Yeah, tell that to the 520 mothers and fathers who have lost their child. We should’ve never gone into Iraq in the first place. But no, the United States had to protect its oil interests in the Middle East.

Ross: We invaded Iraq because of the threat of Saddam Hussein, not because of oil.

Monica: Right, and what weapons of mass destruction have the inspectors found? Zilch. It was never a war about Saddam Hussein’s supposed weapons, it was about oil.

Phoebe: Hey, I thought we were talking about my right to vote? Who gave you two permission to change the subject?

Ross: Well Joey said that the news media made up news and cited Iraq as an example.

Phoebe: And does that have anything to do with my right to vote?

Monica: No. But Pheebs, you can’t vote in this election because you never registered to vote. Look, tomorrow I’ll take you down to City Hall and I’ll help you get registered to vote so you can vote in November.

Phoebe (whining): But I wanna vote today.

Monica: What is so important that you have to vote today?

Phoebe: Well I wanted to vote for John Edwards.

Ross: Do you even know anything about Senator Edwards?

Phoebe: He’s a Senator?

Ross: Apparently not.

Phoebe: But he’s so cute and now I won’t be able to vote for him.

Joey: You were gonna vote for the guy just because he was cute?

Phoebe: Well yeah. It wasn’t like he was going to win anyway. And besides, I always vote for the loser, that’s why I support Ross in all his efforts.

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: I’m just teasing.

(Rachel, Chandler and Jenna enter)

Monica: It’s the lingerie executives.

Rachel: I hope you’re not referring to Chandler Monica because he’s just a peon.

Chandler: And once again I’m sorry that I embarrassed you today.

Phoebe: This ought to be good.

Joey: What’d you do?

Rachel: Apparently Chandler didn’t get enough sleep last night so he decides to fall asleep in important staff meeting, a meeting in which he is supposed to give a presentation.

Chandler: I gave the presentation.

Rachel: Only after I had to wake you up.

Monica: You fell asleep at a staff meeting? What’s the matter with you?

Chandler: Well maybe I wouldn’t have fallen asleep if you hadn’t awoken me at 3 am for a booty call.

Monica: Well you sure weren’t complaining when I woke you up last night.

Rachel: Oh, so I have you to thank for Chandler falling asleep in my staff meeting.

Monica: Hey, don’t blame me, he’s the one who fell asleep, not me.

Phoebe: So he fell asleep, what’s the big deal? And I don’t see where he embarrassed you.

Rachel: Chandler, the embarrassing part?

Chandler: When Rachel woke me up I thought she was Monica and I pulled her down into my lap.

Ross: You got frisky with my wife?

Rachel: In front of my entire staff I might add.

Chandler: Hey, it’s not like I felt you up or anything, I just pulled you onto my lap.

Ross: Which is close enough for me to say that you felt up my wife.

Chandler: I didn’t feel up Rachel, she immediately jumped out of my lap. Trust me, I was the one who was more embarrassed.

Rachel: Sorry, you can’t make that claim.

Chandler: How could you be more embarrassed by what happened? You weren’t the one who fell asleep in a staff meeting and then pulled your boss into your lap when you were awakened.

Rachel: That may be so but I’m senior to you so I say I was more embarrassed by the situation.

Chandler: That makes no sense at all.

Rachel: Then next time don’t fall asleep in my staff meetings and then don’t pull me onto your lap if I have to wake you up. Did you guys vote?

Joey: I voted this morning.

Chandler: How many times did they have to explain how to do it for you Joe?

Joey: Only twice thank you very little.

Rachel: Did you vote honey?

Ross: Yeah, Monica and I went this morning.

Jenna: Well the three of us stopped on the way home from work. We’ve done our civic duty for today.

Phoebe: And I’d just like to thank you all for clueing me in on the process of voting.

Ross (to Rachel, Monica and Jenna): Phoebe couldn’t vote because she forgot to register.

Phoebe: Hey, I didn’t forget. You only forget when you actually know you’re supposed to do something. Nobody told me you had to register to vote.

Rachel: Haven’t you been watching the news? They’ve been running registration reminders for over a month.

Phoebe: I don’t watch the news. It’s too depressing.

Joey: It’s also totally made up.

Jenna: For the last time Joey, the news media does not make up the news. Now the National Enquirer, which you hold in high esteem, yeah, they make crap up.

Joey: No they don’t.

Everyone but Joey: Yes they do.

(Jack enters)

Jack: Hey everybody.

All but Phoebe: Hi Jack.

Phoebe: Where in the hell have you been?

Jack: I stopped to vote on my way home from work.

Ross: Lord God, all hell’s about to break loose.

Phoebe: You did what!

Jack: I said I stopped to vote. There’s an election going on and I didn’t want to miss it. What’s the problem?

Phoebe: You voted?

Jack: Yeah.

Phoebe: You’re a registered voter.

Jack: Yeah, in order to vote you have to be a registered voter. What’s going on?

Phoebe: Oh, I’ll tell you what’s going on. What’s going on is that you didn’t tell me you had to register to vote. No, you let me go down to polling place and make an ass out of myself when I tried to vote.

Jack: You mean you didn’t register to vote?

Phoebe: Was I successful in voting today!

Jack: I just figured you knew you had to register to vote in order to participate in the election.

Phoebe: Do you even know me at all? I can’t believe this! I, I, I need to pee. (Phoebe goes off to the bathroom)

Jack (to the others): Apparently I was supposed to tell that she had to register to vote.

Joey: What I don’t get is why did she want to vote this year in the first place? She’s never shown any interest in politics before, why now?

Ross: She already told you why Joe. She thought John Edwards was cute.

Jack: She wanted to vote because she thought John Edwards was cute?

Ross: That’s what she said.

Monica: John Edwards is kind of cute.

Rachel: Yeah but anything is more attractive George Bush.

Ross: What’s the matter with George Bush?

Monica: Have you been living with Joey under the same rock?

Ross: I like George Bush, I think he’s done an excellent job as President. I hope he gets re-elected.

Rachel: And I married you why? How can you like him? He’s done nothing but ruin our economy and get our soldiers killed for nothing.

Chandler: No, he’s actually improved the economy through his tax cuts. The proof is in the numbers. And our soldiers haven’t died for nothing, they’ve sacrificed their lives to bring freedom to the Iraqi people.

Monica: Ok, I was shocked about what happened to you at work, but now I’m totally shocked by what’s coming out of your mouth. You mean to tell me that you like George Bush too?

Chandler: Yeah, I voted for him the first time and I’ll vote for him again in November.

Rachel: So you’d vote for man who has publicly declared that he supports a constitutional amendment banning gay marriages?

Chandler: Well I don’t happen to agree with him on that issue but that doesn’t mean I won’t vote for him.

Ross: Yeah and President Bush only came out for the amendment to appease the far right of the Republican Party.

Rachel: I can’t believe you two are defending his record. His policies have been nothing but divisive. The rest of the world hates us now because of his foreign policies.

Joey: The British don’t hate us.

Monica: Well their government might not, but their people don’t feel the same way.

Jenna: I agree with Monica and Rachel, George Bush has done more harm than good.

Joey: So who would you rather see in the White House? Besides me of course.

Chandler: You have to have an IQ greater than 80 Joey to be President.

Joey: Damn it! I hate it when they test you on stuff for things.

Jenna: I think John Kerry would do a great job as President.

Chandler: Then prepare yourself to pay higher taxes next year.

Jenna: He hasn’t said anything about raising taxes Chandler.

Ross: A Democrat’s never met a social program that he didn’t like. Kerry will raise taxes. And that’s not good for any of us.

Rachel: At least the Democrats give a crap about the poor. All the Republicans do is create more poor people.

(Phoebe returns)

Phoebe: I’m sensing tension in the room.

Jack: That’s what happens when two spouses affiliate themselves with different political parties.

Phoebe: Huh?

Jack: Monica and Rachel are Democrats and Chandler and Ross are Republicans.

Phoebe: So? What’s the big deal about that?

Jack: There’s a big philosophical difference between the two parties on how the government should be run.

Joey: Really? I thought the only real difference was their mascot.

Jenna: I’m afraid to even ask who you voted for today.

Joey: Well that’s simple. I voted for myself.

Rachel: What?

Joey: I said I voted for myself. I always vote for myself. There’s a write-in candidate section so I wrote my name down. If anyone should be President, it should be me. See as President you have to play all these roles, so who better than to play all those roles than an actor. Hell, Ronald Reagan did it.

Ross: Ronald Reagan was also the Governor of California before he became President. He had political experience.

Joey: So I’ll run for the Governor of New York and then become President. It’ll be easy, people love me.

Jenna: Yeah, I love you very much but that has to be the stupidest idea you’ve ever put out there.

Joey: Well you'll just have to eat your words when I become President of these United States.

Chandler: Then I'd get your butt up to Maine Joe, those people are gonna need some serious convincing.

Joey: Nice try, Maine is in Canada.

ROSS & RACHEL’S FLAT (The Geller family is present. The kids are down for the night. Ross and Rachel are getting ready for bed)

Ross: Are you ok?

Rachel: I’m fine. Why?

Ross: You’ve been awfully quiet this evening.

Rachel: Well I don’t like it when we don’t agree.

Ross: Ah, did we have a fight that I don’t know about?

Rachel: No, but you are voting for President Bush.

Ross: And you don’t agree with that decision.

Rachel: Not even close.

Ross: So what’s the difference? Our votes will just cancel each other out. You’ll vote for the Democratic nominee and I’ll vote for the President.

Rachel: But you’re voting for the wrong person.

Ross: I’m sorry but I don’t see it that way. And what gives you the right to tell me who to vote for in the first place?

Rachel: We’re supposed to be a team.

Ross: We are a team.

Rachel: If we were a team you wouldn’t be voting for the President.

Ross: God, I knew I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.

Rachel: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Ross: I’m just saying I should’ve kept my political views to myself like I normally do. Especially around you, because I know that we won’t agree on most issues.

Rachel: Ok, name an issue that you don’t think we agree.

Ross: Social Security.

Rachel: What’s wrong with Social Security?

Ross: It should be privatized and people should be able to manage the money that they contribute to the system so they can be guaranteed that the money will be there when they retire.

Rachel: That’s insane. The government should be the one running the program, not the American people.

Ross: Well adhere to that view honey because Social Security won’t be around for you when you retire if it isn’t reformed now.

Rachel: Based on what?

Ross: Based on the fact that 65 million baby boomers are reaching retirement age and there isn’t enough money in the system to pay benefits to them all. So how are they going to pay them? The government is going to use the money you contribute out of your paycheck every two weeks. That’s why Social Security won’t be around when we retire, the program will have run out of money.

Rachel: Oh. Well that’s not good. That still isn’t a good reason to re-elect the President though. He’s a war monger.

Ross: Bet you didn’t know that Senator Kerry voted for the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Rachel: No he didn’t.

Ross: But he did.

Rachel: You know what? Let’s both agree that we disagree and do something else.

Ross: Ok, but don’t you mean talk about something else?

Rachel: What I had in mind doesn’t require a lot of talking, moaning maybe, but definitely not a lot of talking.

Ross: So you want to sleep with the enemy?

Rachel: Apparently I’ve been sleeping with the enemy for a long time. The enemy’s pretty darn good in bed too.

Ross: I’d say the same thing about you. (Rachel looks at Ross funny) I mean, you’re out of this world in bed.

Rachel: I know, you don’t have to point it out to me.

Ross: Should we Roh Sham Bo for who gets to be on top?

Rachel: No, I get to be on top.

Ross: But you were on top last time and the time before that. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I was on top.

Rachel: That’s because in here, in our bedroom, it’s not a democracy, it’s a dictatorship. And you know what? You’re not the dictator.

Ross (reaching over and pulling Rachel on top of him): You know I can’t resist you when you go on a power trip.

Rachel: Honey, all I have to do is walk into the room and you lose all control.

Ross: At least that’s another thing we totally agree on.

JOEY & JENNA’S APARTMENT (Joey, Jenna and Jenna Jr. are present. Joey and Jenna are in bed and are talking)

Joey: You can mock me all you want but I think I’d make a great President.

Jenna: Just two weeks ago you thought Connecticut was in Canada and now you want to be the President of the United States?

Joey: Hey, they let that guy who couldn’t spell potato be Vice President so why not? I mean, even I know how to spell potato.

Jenna: How do you spell potato?

Joey: I knew it, I knew you were going to ask me to spell it.

Jenna: So, how do you spell it?

Joey: P o t a t o.

Jenna: I’m impressed, you actually got it right.

Joey: That’s right baby, you’re looking at the next President of the United States of America.

Jenna: Why would you even want to be President Joey?

Joey: President Joey. Has a nice ring to it don’t you think?

Jenna: Seriously, what would you do if you were President, even if it were for just one day?

Joey: Well for starters, I would legalize drugs.

Jenna: Are you sh^tting me? You can’t be serious.

Joey: Just hear me out. The government spends hundreds of millions of dollars each year combating illegal drugs yet they never stop the flow of the stuff into the country.

Jenna: So legalizing it would change all that?

Joey: We’d be able to spend the money elsewhere, like on education. Drugs such as cocaine, heroin and marijuana would be sold over the counter just like alcohol and tobacco. You’d tax the sh^t out of it like they do with tobacco. People who currently do drugs are going to keep on doing them, the government might as well profit from it.

Jenna: And tell the upcoming generation, Jenna’s generation, that drugs are ok. That’s completely irresponsible.

Joey: You’re not even giving their generation credit for their own ability to think and make choices. You’re just assuming that they’re all going to become drug addicts.

Jenna: I didn’t say that.

Joey: I’m just saying that if the government legalized drugs, controlled the supply and distribution of the stuff, they’d free up a lot of money that’s currently going to a losing cause. They’re never going to be able to stop the flow of drugs into this country. But it they legalize it, they’d make some serious dough.

Jenna: Ok, I’m not gonna argue with you on this anymore. What else would you do?

Joey: Well I’d be the first President who actually had a really hot smoking First Lady. So I’d parade you around in public every chance I got.

Jenna: Ok, now I don’t know whether to be flattered or offended.

Joey: Flattered. I’d never offend you.

Jenna: Yeah right, you offend me all the time.

Joey: No I don’t!

Jenna: Do you not go to the bathroom with the door open when Jet is taking her nap?

Joey: Yeah, so?

Jenna: So that offends me. Shut the stupid door. I don’t want to see you taking a crap, it’s bad enough we have to put up with the smell afterwards.

Joey (laughing): I do set off some bombs.

Jenna: I’m not laughing sweetie.

Joey: Sorry, I’ll shut the door. But seriously, if you were First Lady you’d get to do all the charitable work you’ve always wanted to do. And since I was President, I’d make sure that all the programs that you care about got all the funding they need. You know why? Because you’re my wife and you come first, Jet too. Screw the rest of the country.

Jenna: Yeah, you should definitely run on that platform, that’ll get you elected.

Joey: Ah no, I’d lie to the people like the other politicians and make all sorts of promises that I never intend to keep just to get elected. Hey, it’s worked for 225 plus years, why stop now?

Jenna: That’s just the thing honey. You could never be a politician. You’re incapable of lying to people.

Joey: Damn, and here it was my natural stupidity that I thought was going to hold me back.

Jenna: You’re not stupid.

Joey: Says the woman who had to tell me that Connecticut was in the United States.

Jenna: Ok, maybe you’re a little dumb sometimes, but you’re never stupid.

Joey: You know Phoebe has gone around and told everyone that we’re moving.

Jenna: I know. Rachel and Chandler talked to me at work about it.

Joey: What’d you say?

Jenna: I totally denied it.

Joey: Maybe we should tell them that there’s a possibility.

Jenna: Nah, let’s just wait to see if the pilot gets picked up.

Joey: You’re probably right, no use in raising the alarm until it actually needs to be raised.

Jenna: So does President Joey want to know what we’re having?

Joey: For dinner tomorrow night?

Jenna: I was thinking what type of baby that I’m carrying.

Joey: Well all I know is that the child better look a little like me and be white or else you’re going to have some explaining to do.

Jenna: Would you quit fooling around? Do you want to know if I’m having a boy or girl?

Joey: You know, you actually know?

Jenna: No, for Christ’s sake I’m just taking a wild f^cking guess! Of course I know, I had a Doctor’s appointment this afternoon.

Joey: That was today. Why didn’t I go with you?

Jenna: Because you had to take Jet to her tumbling class.

Joey: Oh.

Jenna: So do you want to know?

Joey: Know what?

Jenna: Would you quit f^cking with me!

Joey: But I really love it when you get all riled up.

Jenna: And are you going to like it when I take that baseball bat and shove it up your ass for being a smart ass?

Joey: I’d love to know what we’re expecting.

Jenna: You’re positive?

Joey: Let me put it this way, if we’re having something other than a boy or a girl, then no, I don’t want to know.

Jenna: Ok, are you ready?

Joey: You know, you’re the one who’s gonna have that baseball bat up your ass if you don’t just come out and tell me what you’re having.

Jenna: We’re having a boy.

Joey: Say again.

Jenna: We’re having a boy!

Joey: You mean we’re having Joey Francis Tribbiani Jr.?

Jenna: You really want to name our kids after the both of us?

Joey: You bet your ass I do. I’m having a son. I’m having a son.

MONICA & CHANDLER’S FLAT (The Bing family is present. The kids are asleep. Monica and Chandler are lying on the couch together)

Monica: You wanna know why else you’re wrong?

Chandler: No, but I know you’re going to tell me anyway.

Monica: President Bush wants to drill for oil in Alaska. That’s wrong.

Chandler: How long do you plan on talking about this?

Monica: Until I convince you that you’re wrong.

Chandler: Then you can stop talking, you’ve convinced me.

Monica: So you’re not going to vote for President Bush now?

Chandler: I didn’t say that. I’m just acknowledging your opinion that it’s wrong to vote for him.

Monica: Then I guess I'll just have to keep on convincing you that you're wrong.

Chandler: But I already know that I'm wrong.

Monica: Then why are you still voting for Bush?

Chandler: I happen to like Bush.

Monica: Well I'll tell you one thing, if you don't change your mind about voting for Bush in November I'll guarantee you that you won't see my bush in the near future.

Chandler (tickling Monica): You know I love it when you talked dirty.

Monica (laughing): Stop! Stop!

Chandler: Too late!

Monica: Stop! I'm gonna pee my pants!

Chandler (stopping): Yeah, then you'd get me all wet and that wouldn’t be good.

Monica: Let's go to bed.

Chandler: Are you gonna show me your bush?

Monica: Well that depends.

Chandler: On what?

Monica: That you admit that I'm right and you're wrong.

Chandler: Ok. You're right and I'm wrong. (pause) Really when you think about it, it's no different than normal. You're always right and I'm always wrong.

Monica: Now you know that's not true.

Chandler: I know that, I'm just trying to get into your pants.

Monica: Then follow me.

Chandler: What's in it for me?

Monica: I'm gonna show you just how wrong you are.

Chandler: You know, you might just change my mind.

Monica: You'll vote for Kerry?

Chandler: No, I was thinking that I'd vote for Joey.

PHOEBE & JACK'S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Jack are present)

Jack: Are you coming to bed?

Phoebe: In a minute. You know, this day has totally sucked.

Jack: You're going to get to vote in November Pheebs. Monica's going to take you to get registered tomorrow.

Phoebe: Yeah but John Edwards won't be running in November. He got creamed tonight. You know why?

Jack: Why?

Phoebe: Because people like me weren't allowed to vote.

Jack: He lost by over 20% Phoebe. You're vote wouldn't have affected tonight's outcome.

Phoebe: Well maybe there were millions of New Yorkers like me who forgot to register and really wanted to vote for John Edwards.

Jack: Maybe.

Phoebe: By the way, whom did you vote for?

Jack: For a Presidential candidate?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Jack: No one.

Phoebe: What?

Jack: I didn't vote for any of the candidates. None of them appealed to me. I just voted the rest of the ballot.

Phoebe: You can do that?

Jack: Sure.

Phoebe: But why wouldn't you vote for one of the candidates?

Jack: Because I don't feel that any of them are right for the job.

Phoebe: You should've voted for Joey.

Jack: Well if I had known he was running I would have.

Phoebe: Like hell you would. Joey running the country? There's a scary proposition.

Jack: Can I ask you a question?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Jack: You've been eligible to vote for over sixteen years and according to your friends you've never shown any interest in politics. What changed?

Phoebe: Well maybe I realized that by voting I would be looking out for the future generation.

Jack: Ok, but you could've been doing that for the past sixteen years too.

Phoebe: Well maybe it's a little bit more important to me now that I'm going to be contributing to the future generation.

Jack: Run that by me again.

Phoebe: Well since we're going to be parents in eight and half months I thought it might be a good idea to start paying attention to what's going on in our country.

Jack: You're, you're pregnant?

Phoebe: It looks that way.

Jack: When, when did you find out?

Phoebe: When I took a pregnancy test this morning after you left for work.

Jack: So I'm gonna be a father?

Phoebe: Is that a question or a statement?

Jack: Ah, a statement.

Phoebe: You're going to be a father and I'm gonna be a kick ass Mommy.

Jack: So we're going to be parents?

Phoebe: Ok, you keep asking questions when you should be making statements.

Jack: I'm, I'm just a little stunned.

Phoebe: Ditto here.

Jack: How, how did this happen? I thought we were protected.

Phoebe: Well I got pregnant when your sperm fertilized my egg after you ejaculated inside of me. You know all that sex that we've been having? Well one of those times one of those little buggers got through and viola, I'm pregnant.

Jack: So we're gonna be parents.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Jack: Then I really don't understand why this day has sucked for you. I mean, you're pregnant, that's a wonderful thing.

Phoebe: No, no, that part's great. The part about me not voting is what has sucked.

Jack: Well I think this has been one of the best days of my life. Hell, I'm gonna be a Daddy.

Phoebe: Come here. (Jack sits down next to Phoebe) I need you to promise me one thing.

Jack: Of course.

Phoebe: When the reality hits that we're having a baby, you have to promise me that you won't let me freak out.

Jack: I promise.

Phoebe: Thank you. (pause) You'd better start now.

CLOSING CREDITS

MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (The Bing family is present. Chandler is eating breakfast as he is approached by Michael)

Michael: Daddy?

Chandler: Good morning little buddy.

Michael: You're wrong.

Chandler: I'm wrong? What am I wrong about?

Michael: No Bush, Kerry.

Chandler: Did Mommy tell you to say that to me?

Michael: Uh huh.

Chandler: Monica!