THE ONE WITH MARCH MADNESS
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Rachel, Caitlin and Phoebe are present)
Phoebe: Has Ross recovered from his humiliation on the golf course yet?
Rachel: He's still bitching about it. He thinks you cheated.
Phoebe: I did.
Rachel: Phoebe!
Phoebe: In his favor. I gave myself two extra strokes to make the ass whipping a little less extreme.
Rachel: He really played that bad?
Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you, it was painful to watch. He spent more time looking for his golf ball than he did on the fairway. It was like watching a virgin, doing it for the first time, struggle to put his thing in the right hole, if you know what I mean.
Rachel: Yeah, I really do. He still mistakes my pee hole for the real thing.
OPENING CREDITS
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica and Michael are present as Chandler enters)
Monica: What are you doing here?
Chandler: I live here.
Monica: You know what I meant.
Chandler: I took the rest of today and tomorrow off.
Monica: Why exactly?
Chandler: Two words. March Madness.
Monica: What the hell is March Madness?
Chandler: A basketball tournament.
Monica: And it lasts two days?
Chandler: No, it lasts until April 7th.
Monica: That's three weeks from now.
Chandler: I know. Isn't it great?
Monica: Then why are you home now?
Chandler (turning on the TV): Because the first game is about to start. After this game is over, there are three more to watch. Then there's four more games tomorrow and games on Saturday and Sunday as well.
(Joey, Ross and Brad enter)
Ross: I told you I saw him on the street.
Joey: Hey, I got the beer.
Ross: I got the chips and the dip.
Brad: Hey Mon. I'm just buying the pizza.
Monica: What do you three think you're doing?
Ross: We're here to watch the games.
Joey: Yeah, do you have a bottle opener?
Monica: It's the middle of the day. You don't watch basketball games in the middle of a Thursday afternoon.
Brad: You do in the third week of March.
Monica: And you're just gonna sit here and watch TV for the rest of the day?
Chandler: Pretty much.
Monica: And I have to put up with this?
Joey: Not now Monica, the game just started.
Monica: Joey!
Joey: Sorry, yes, you have to put up with this.
Monica: I was talking to Chandler Joey.
Chandler: Who's talking to me?
Monica: Can I see you for a minute dear?
Chandler: Sure. (Monica and Chandler go into their bedroom)
Ross: I told you he didn't tell Monica we were coming over.
Brad: Here's your $20.
Joey: I told you that was a sucker bet Brad. (Chandler returns as Monica exits the flat) Is she going to pick up the pizzas?
Chandler: So do any of you have any room at your place?
CENTRAL PERK (Rachel, Caitlin and Phoebe are present)
Phoebe: Why are you here? Shouldn't you be at work or something?
Rachel: I took today and tomorrow off so Ross could have a break from watching the kids.
Phoebe: A break from what? Do you really know what he does while you're at work?
Rachel: Well yeah, he watches Caitlin all day then at 3 he goes and picks Ben up from school, comes home, makes dinner and checks Ben's homework.
Phoebe (laughing): And you believe that load of crap?
Rachel: Why wouldn't I?
Phoebe: When we were golfing the other day he kept telling me how great it was not to be working anymore. He said he had all this free time to do what he wanted to do. All he had to do was bring Caitlin with him wherever he went. And if he couldn't pick up Ben from school, he'd just call Carol and ask her to do it.
Rachel: Are you serious?
Phoebe: That's what he told me. Maybe he was just showing off.
Rachel: To who?
Phoebe: Me?
Rachel: But he still takes Caitlin to playgroup and makes sure she gets her naps so it can't be all that bad.
Phoebe: Believe what you want to believe.
Rachel: Phoebe, what do you know that I don't know?
Phoebe: Quite a bit.
Rachel: Like what?
Phoebe: I bet you didn't know that Gunther made $40,000 managing this place last year.
Rachel: Ugh! Let me clarify my question for you Phoebe, what has Ross told you that he doesn't want me to find out?
Phoebe: Oh. Well I can't tell you that, he shared that stuff in confidence.
Rachel: Did he say it was a secret between you and he?
Phoebe: No, not really.
Rachel: Then you can tell me.
Phoebe: Only if you promise me that you won't tell him where you learned your information. Don't snitch on the narc.
Rachel: I promise.
Phoebe: He stopped taking Caitlin to playgroup three weeks ago and she only gets her naps if he's at home at naptime. Carol's also picked up Ben from school two days a week for the past month.
Rachel: I'm gonna kill him!
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (The guys, including Michael, are present)
Chandler: So what excuse did you use Brad?
Brad: A long meeting, including dinner, with a movie producer in Tribeca. Jennifer's gonna be at home entertaining a guest all day so I don't have to worry about her checking up on me.
Ross: I didn't need an excuse. Rachel took today and tomorrow off to give me a break from watching the kids. I get to do anything I want for the next 48 hours.
Chandler: Of course the last time you thought you could do anything you wanted to, you slept with Chloe and wound up losing Rachel.
Brad: Still a good plan.
Ross: I thought so.
Joey: I think my plan was pure genius. I told Jenna that I had a very important audition to go to.
Chandler: Joey, you complete idiot! She's never gonna buy that excuse and even if she does it's only going to get you through the first two games. You're gonna have to leave after the second game. Your mere presence after the second game is over will endanger the cover of Ross and Brad.
Joey: Don't worry about it, I'll just tell her that I got called back for a second audition. That'll get me through the last two games.
Ross: Joey, the last game isn't going to be over until almost midnight!
Joey: Oh. I'd better come up with a contingency plan quick.
CENTRAL PERK (Rachel, Caitlin and Phoebe are present as Monica enters)
Phoebe: Hey Mon.
Monica: Whatever.
Phoebe: Trouble at home?
Monica: My flat has been invaded by hairy man-beasts.
Rachel: Was my hairy man-beast there?
Monica: As a matter fact he was. And he'll be there through four basketball games today and four basketball games tomorrow, and maybe even for Saturday and Sunday's games as well.
Phoebe: I totally forgot, March Madness starts today!
Monica: Yes!
Rachel: But Ross doesn't even like basketball. And what are they doing watching basketball at noon on a Thursday?
Monica: Well he's at my flat right now as we speak. My darling husband didn't bother to tell me that those Neanderthals were coming over to watch the games.
(Jennifer, her daughter Courteney and Courteney Cox Arquette enter)
Phoebe: It's Jennifer and some stunning brunette who I don't know.
(Rachel and Monica turn around)
Jennifer: Hey guys. Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, this is my close friend Courteney. Courteney, this is Rachel, Monica and Phoebe. And that's little Caitlin.
Courteney: Nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you.
Monica: You're married to that phone guy, the one from those phone commercials.
Courteney: Yeah, David. I really hate those commercials, they're annoying as hell.
Rachel: What brings you to New York?
Courteney: Just wanted to see Jennifer and Brad's new digs and see my namesake.
Phoebe: Huh?
Jennifer: Courteney, my daughter, was named after Courteney.
Phoebe: Now I'm totally confused.
Rachel: I'll explain it to you later Pheebs.
Monica (to Jennifer): Did you know that your husband is at my place right now watching basketball games with the other losers?
Jennifer: No he's not, he's meeting some movie producer in Tribeca at three after he has lunch with Ross.
Monica: He's at my place Jen with the other three losers.
Jennifer: He is?
Monica: And they all plan on being there until all four games are over.
Jennifer: Is he that stupid? Did he not realize that I'd figure out that he duped me?
Courteney: I don't think he realized that we were coming into the City Jen.
Phoebe: Apparently not. Maybe the stupidity bug that ails Joey every once in a while infected him.
Courteney: Joey?
Rachel: Jeez, Joey's even known on the West Coast.
Courteney (to Jennifer): This wouldn't be the same Joey….
Jennifer: The same.
Courteney: Well I definitely have to meet him before I go home.
(Jenna and baby Jenna enter)
Jenna: Hey. (to Phoebe) What is Courteney Cox Arquette doing in Central Perk?
Jennifer: Jenna, this is Courteney. (to Courteney) This is Joey's wife Jenna.
Courteney: Hey. Ah, how old is your baby?
Jenna: Six weeks.
Courteney: He or she?
Jenna: She. Her name is Jenna as well. (to the others) Has Joey gotten back from his audition yet?
Phoebe: Oh no! The stupidity bug has struck Joey again!
Monica (laughing): He's at my flat Jenna watching basketball with the other three losers.
Jenna: Three?
Jennifer: Brad is there as well.
Jenna: He lied to me?
Rachel: Don't feel bad Jenna, they've all seem to have caught the bug.
Monica: I'll give Chandler some credit, he didn't really lie to me he just merely never told me anything about his plans to have everyone over. (sees the others looking at her) A weak argument huh?
Rachel: Well I'm going to Monica's to collect my husband. His two-day pass has been revoked.
Jenna: I'm going with you. This is no way to start out a new marriage, with the husband lying to the wife.
Courteney: Yeah that usually doesn't start until after you've been married for about six months.
Phoebe: Can I witness all this? I never get to yell at anyone, I could at least watch someone else get yelled at.
Jennifer: Or we could go back to our place for the next four days and leave those losers to fend for themselves.
Rachel: Ah, rewarding Ross for this behavior isn't my type of justice Jennifer.
Jennifer: I'm just merely talking about delaying justice Rachel. I know Brad will get what's coming to him, I'm merely delaying his kangaroo court hearing. I just figure the longer he stays out, the harshest the sentence can be.
Monica: Kangaroo court?
Jennifer: A chance for him to tell his story but him knowing that I have already convicted him.
Phoebe: I love the way she thinks.
Monica: I'm up for that.
Rachel: They'll figure it out. If we disappear on them, they'll figure it out.
Phoebe: Not if Jennifer doesn't answer her phone. It'll force Brad to come home and face the music.
Monica: But then he'll warn Ross, Chandler and Joey.
Rachel: What's there to warn them about? They've already been convicted.
Courteney: And who knows, given that they're guys, the four of them may just travel out to Brad and Jen's to see what happened to you guys. Sorry, didn't mean to get involved.
Jenna: I hope that's what happens. It'll be a long ride back to the City for Joey.
Jennifer: So everybody meet at Rachel's in an hour? (Everyone but Phoebe nods)
Phoebe: I get to go right?
Rachel: The secrecy of our plan depends on you coming with us Phoebe.
Phoebe: This is so exciting!
Monica: Wait, I don't have anything to wear and my baby is at home with those idiots.
Phoebe: I'll handle getting Michael to safety. As for clothes, just borrow from Rachel. Jenna, use my key and pack me a bag. I've gotta a toddler to free. (Phoebe goes to leave)
Monica: Phoebe wait!
Phoebe: Yeah?
Monica: How are you going to get Michael out of the flat?
Phoebe: Those boys are so involved in the basketball game that Chandler won't even question as to why I'm watching your son. You got called into work remember?
Monica: I did? (pause) I did.
(Phoebe leaves)
Courteney (to Jennifer): You're right, she maybe a little ditzy but she's still absolutely brilliant.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Chandler, Michael, Ross, Joey, and Brad are present)
Chandler: I hope Donna doesn't figure out that I took the rest of the day off.
Ross: You didn't tell her that you were leaving for the day?
Chandler: Not exactly.
Brad: Not exactly?
Chandler: I told her that there was an emergency and I was needed at home.
Joey: What kind of emergency?
Chandler: That Michael was sick and that Monica got called into work.
Joey: Nice. (to the TV) That's not a f^cking three-pointer, his foot was on the f^cking line! (Michael starts crying in his bedroom)
Chandler: Thanks for keeping your voice down Joey.
(Chandler gets up to check on Michael as Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey boys! (Joey, Ross and Brad ignore her) Why is your son crying?
Chandler (walking into Michael's room with Phoebe hot on his heels): He just woke up from a nap.
Phoebe: The truth is that Joey yelled really loud and woke Michael up.
Chandler: How do you do that?
Phoebe: I heard Joey down the hall.
Chandler: Oh.
Phoebe: Monica had to go into work so she asked me to take Michael to my place. You know, to keep Michael out of your hair so you can hang with the other three losers.
Chandler: Oh, ok. I'll let you handle everything from here.
Phoebe (picking up Michael): Who's winning?
Chandler: Excuse me?
Phoebe: Who's winning the game?
Chandler: The University of California.
Joey (from the other room): That's a f^cking foul!
Phoebe: See, this is why Monica wants me to take Michael to my house. Uncle Joey keeps swearing.
Chandler: Thanks Pheebs. Bye Mikey. (Chandler returns to the family room) What'd I miss?
Ross: According to Joey, a missed f^cking foul call.
Chandler: Yes, I think Jenna heard Joey scream from their place.
Brad: Who has who in this game?
Ross: I've got NC State.
Joey: Cal.
Chandler: Cal.
Brad: So I get stuck with NC State?
Chandler: I don't wanna hear it. Joey and I got stuck with Vermont. (the phone rings) Lower the TV that might be Donna.
(Chandler gets up to get the phone but Phoebe beats him to it)
Phoebe: Hello?
Chandler: Give me the phone!
Phoebe (waving Chandler away): He's intently watching basketball at the moment. (Chandler starts smiling) No, he just got up from a nap. He looks much better now. (pause) Oh, I'm his nanny, I'm here when Monica and Chandler are at work. (Chandler starts trying to grab the phone from Phoebe) Ok, I'll let him know that you called. Bye.
Chandler: Who, who was that?
Phoebe: She identified herself as Donna. She wanted to make sure everything was ok with your son.
Chandler: Why, why, why did you tell her that I was watching basketball and you were our nanny?
Phoebe: What? A truth and a lie don't cancel each other out?
Chandler: I'm in so much trouble.
Phoebe: Yeah, she mentioned that. She asked that you report to her office on Monday morning. You can pick up Michael in the morning.
Chandler: Why isn't Monica picking him up after she finishes at the restaurant?
Phoebe: Because Monica doesn't finish until at least 11:30 and I'm not waiting up for her.
Chandler: Ok then, I'll see you in the morning.
(Phoebe and Michael leaves)
Joey: You got hosed at work huh?
Chandler: Yes.
Brad: Must suck to be you.
Ross: Damage control Chandler. Damage control. Call your boss and cut your losses now. Waiting until Monday will just make matters worse.
Chandler: I can do that. Put a positive spin on this situation.
Joey: Spin? You just got caught with your pants down.
Chandler: Then I guess I just have to think what former President Clinton would do in this situation.
Brad: Halftime. 39-36, Cal.
Chandler (on the phone): Nancy? Hi, it's Chandler. Could I speak with Donna real quick? Thanks. (pause - to the others) Here goes nothing. (pause) Donna? Hi it's Chandler. I just wanted to explain about before. My nanny gave you the wrong information when you called earlier. (pause) You didn't call here ten minutes ago? (pause) Well, well, the information that she would've told you was that my nanny had to leave as well and that's why I had to come home. (pause) She did what? (pause) Then I guess we'll talk on Monday morning then. (pause) Looking for to it. Have a nice weekend. (hangs up the phone) My wife sold me out.
Ross: Huh?
Chandler: Your sister ratted me out and Phoebe was in on it. Monica called Donna five minutes after Donna supposedly called here. Phoebe was talking to Monica when I thought she was talking to Donna.
Joey: I'm so confused.
Brad: I guess Monica paid you back for having us over without telling her.
BRAD & JENNIFER'S RESIDENCE (The ladies and their children are present)
Phoebe: You should've seen Chandler when I answered the phone. He was quaking in his boots.
Monica: And like a good soldier he thought he'd cut his losses and call to confess to Donna, only to run into a buzz saw when she told him that she never called the flat. Perfect execution Phoebe, perfect.
Jenna: I wish Joey had a job so I could do the same thing to him.
Rachel: If you want to get back at Joey Jenna you have to cut off his food source.
Jenna: Huh?
Rachel: The best way to get back at Joey is to cut him off from his favorite foods.
Monica: Pizza. They were gonna order pizza.
Rachel: Then you get on the phone to all the pizza joints in the neighborhood and tell them that they are not to deliver pizza to Monica's place.
Jenna: You can do that?
Monica: If you tell them politely that the recipients aren't supposed to be eating pizza under doctor's orders for health reasons and that you had to leave them alone and just know that they're gonna order pizza as soon as you leave, they'll honor your request. Just make sure you name names and give my address.
Jenna: Can I use your phone Jennifer?
Jennifer: Help yourself.
Phoebe: What if Chandler calls the restaurant for food? He thinks you're there.
Monica: Gretchen's already been briefed and she'll merely tell Chandler that I said no free deliveries and that I'm not available to talk to him. If he asks why, she'll tell him that it's payback for not telling me that everyone was coming over.
Courteney: Does this sort of thing happen often?
Rachel: No, not really.
Courteney: Then why are your plans so military like.
Rachel: Marriage breeds familiarity Courteney. We, except for Jenna, know exactly what are husbands are going to do to try to overcome obstacles that we place in front of them. You should know that. Of course in Jenna's case, she has us to tell her exactly what Joey's gonna do.
Courteney: Yeah, you're totally right. It’s like shooting tin cans off a
fence with a bazooka.
You know you’re not gonna miss.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (The men are present)
Chandler: I'm hungry. That overtime thriller made me hungry. Make the call Joey.
Joey: Where's the phone?
Brad: On the coffee table.
(Joey picks up the phone and goes into to the kitchen)
Ross: What game is next?
Brad: Central Michigan versus Creighton.
Joey (walking back into the family room): What do you mean you won't deliver here? It's Joey. If it weren't for me, you wouldn't even be in business! I want my damn pizza order delivered! (pause) He hung up on me. (starts dialing again) I'm calling Tito's. (pause) Hi, it's Joey. (pause) What? Who told you that? I'm your best customer! You can't just cut me off without notice!
Brad: He sounds like a drunk at his favorite bar.
Joey: But…hello? What the hell is going on here? No one will deliver pizza here and someone told the guys over at Tito's that I wasn't allowed to eat pizza anymore because I had a serious medical condition. (to Chandler) Did you scam free pizza from Tito's or Melo's?
Chandler: No. Give me the phone, I'll call Monica and ask her to send over some food.
Ross: I really don't want Italian.
Chandler: It's free Ross.
Ross: That'll work then.
Chandler (dialing the phone): Watch and learn Joey. (pause) Hi Lisa, it's Chandler Bing. Could I speak to my wife please? (pause) Monica? (pause) Oh hey Gretchen. Where's Mon? (pause) Busy? (pause) Well I guess I can ask you then. We need some food. If you could just send two meat lasagnas with two orders of garlic bread up to the flat, that'd be great. (pause) She said what? Put her on the phone. (pause) What do you mean she doesn't want to talk to me? (pause) So now she's not feeding or talking to me? (pause) Thanks for acting as the mediator again Gretchen. (hangs up the phone)
Joey: Uh, what was I supposed to be learning? How not to get your wife to pony up some food for us?
Ross: I guess Brad'll just have to go out and get us some food.
Brad: Brad?
Ross: You were the one who said you were buying.
Brad: And the phrase "I'll buy, you fly" doesn't mean anything to you?
Chandler: Wait, wait a minute. Monica is completely f^cking with us. First she calls the pizza places that Joey frequents, tells them not to accept his order and further tells them that he has a serious medical condition, a fake condition that would result in Joey's death if he eats pizza.
Ross: There're no medical conditions that would cause death if someone ate pizza.
Chandler: You think the guys at Tito's, who are making minimum wage mind you, know that?
Brad: Monica's good. She's trying to use our hunger against us to tear our solidarity apart. A plan that's gonna fail. Everyone write down what they want, I'll make the food run. The next game doesn't look that exciting anyway.
BRAD & JENNIFER'S RESIDENCE (The ladies and their children are present)
Ben: Aunt Jennifer, when is Uncle Brad gonna be home? No offense but you guys are really boring.
Jennifer: In the morning sweetie. Uncle Brad will be home in the morning.
Monica: How was Bermuda Jenna?
Jenna: Really, really nice. And the hotel suite that Joey paid for, man, it was beautiful. He got really lucky for the whole week after he carried me over the threshold into that bad boy.
Jennifer: Well I'm glad you like your Royal Suite.
Jenna: How'd you know it was a Royal Suite? Joey never told anyone where we were actually staying.
Phoebe: Come sit next to me Jenna.
Jenna: Ok, but why?
Rachel: Because we need to tell you a little story.
Monica: Who gets to tell it?
Phoebe: You and Jennifer. Your husbands played the major roles in the story.
Jenna: Is this, is this like something that's like bad news? News that will make me want to get a divorce?
Jennifer: Nah, it's just a typical Joey inspired story.
Courteney: I really need to meet Joey before I go back to Malibu.
Monica: The night before your wedding, Chandler dropped by your place to check in on Joey. Chandler asked Joey where he was taking you for your honeymoon. Joey didn't answer Chandler because he had forgotten to plan your honeymoon.
Jenna: But we went to Bermuda and stayed at the nice resort.
Monica: Only because Joey asked Chandler to make all the travel arrangements for him. Didn't you think it was odd that you never saw Chandler at the reception?
Jenna: I guess I just wasn't paying any attention to who was there and who wasn't.
Monica: Well after Phoebe's toast, I asked Ross and Brad to go find Chandler. Your story from here Jen.
Jennifer: So Ross and Brad find Chandler in the hotel lobby trying to find a hotel room you guys for the week but to no avail. Brad then takes his cell phone and calls Amy, his personal assistant in LA to enlist her help in getting you two a Royal Suite at the Elbow Resort. Ten minutes later, your travel arrangements were finished. A good thing, considering you and Joey were getting ready to leave.
Jenna: So during the whole time we were in Bermuda the weasel that was taking credit for the wonderful honeymoon he had planned was just merely taking credit for Chandler and Brad's actual planning.
Jennifer: Pretty much. Oh, and the Royal Suite was Brad and I's gift to the two of you. We didn't have time to get you guys a formal wedding present, it was the least we could do.
Jenna (fuming): He, he, he, he told me he paid for everything!
Monica: He did pay for the airline tickets. Chandler insisted that Joey hand over his Visa to pay for the airline tickets.
Jenna: Joey, Joey, Joey doesn't have a Visa card Monica. I do.
Phoebe: Oh my!
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (The guys are present. It's 11:39pm and the last game of the evening has just ended)
Chandler: You guys better get on home before Monica gets home from work. I'm already looking at long night, I don't need it getting any longer.
Ross: Joey, did you ever call Jenna to let her know why you weren't home yet?
Joey: Oh sh^t!
Brad: Another individual who'll either be up late tonight or dead by morning. See ya Chandler. (to Ross) Damn, I left my bag at your place. I'll have to sneak in when you go home.
Ross: Ok. (to Chandler) Good luck with Mon.
Chandler: See you guys tomorrow.
(Brad and Ross leaves)
Joey: Well I'll just crash in Michael's room.
Chandler: No you won't. Get out of here, get out of here right now.
Joey: But Jenna's gonna yell at me!
Chandler: And Monica's gonna tap dance on my nuts if she finds you here when she gets home from work. Now go!
Joey: Fine, but if I'm dangling from a noose later, I'm coming after you.
Chandler: I'll take my chances Joe. If you're dangling from a noose, you're pretty much not going anywhere.
(Joey leaves)
BRAD & JENNIFER'S RESIDENCE (The ladies are present. The children are down for the night)
Jennifer: I just checked, the last game just ended.
Rachel: What's our next move?
Monica: Nothing.
Rachel: Nothing?
Monica: Now they'll come to us.
Jenna: How can you be so sure?
Courteney: As an impartial observer, I'd say that when they realize that you guys have come here with your kids they're all gonna realize that they can't wait until morning to capitulate. In an effort to lessen their punishment, they'll come tonight to grovel for forgiveness.
Jennifer: Out of the four of them, Ross and Brad are smart enough to know that they'd better get their asses here tonight. They totally know that they have to cut their losses.
Monica: I wish Chandler would think that way. I'd bet you guys $100 that he votes to show up first thing in the morning.
Jenna: And I'm stuck with Joey who will want to ignore the problem in hopes that it goes away.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (30 minutes later. Ross and Brad enter)
Ross: It's pitch black in here. Rach must've gone to bed already.
Brad: I don't see my bag.
Ross: It's over there on the couch. (Ross turns the light on in his bedroom and looks inside) Brad?
Brad: Yeah?
Ross: Rachel's not here. (looking inside Caitlin and Ben's room) And neither are my kids.
Brad: I've got a really bad feeling about all of this. Call Chandler and find out if Monica came home from work.
(the phone rings)
Ross: Hello? (pause) She's not there either? And Phoebe's not home too? You'd better come over, Monica's sold us all out. (hangs up the phone) Jenna and the baby are gone too and Phoebe isn't at home either.
Brad: But where would they go? Who'd they know that could….I'm a stupid dead man. Jennifer and CeCe wound up coming into the City to visit Rachel, Monica and Phoebe. I totally didn't plan for that contingency.
Ross: Who's CeCe?
Brad: Jennifer's close friend Courteney. She came in for a visit yesterday afternoon. Jennifer it appears has opened our house to your wives and children. They're all aware of the little schemes we pulled to watch basketball at Chandler's today.
Ross: Except for me, I didn’t pull any scheme.
Brad: You haven't told Phoebe anything lately that Rachel is not supposed to know?
Ross: Phoebe wouldn't rat me out, she promised me she wouldn't tell Rachel.
Brad: You're a stupid man Ross. Women will keep secrets from each other, but they will not keep secrets between a man and a woman. That's where the saying "women tell each other everything" comes from.
(The phone rings again)
Ross: Hello? (pause) I was just getting ready to call you. (pause) I know, Brad thinks they're all at his house. (pause) Ok. See you in ten. (to Brad) Chandler called Monica at the restaurant to ask her when she was coming home and Gretchen told him that she was never at work to begin with.
Brad: Monica has certainly been pulling off these surprise maneuvers all day.
Ross: Oh my God, Phoebe taking Michael out of the apartment was on Monica's orders. She wasn't about to leave Michael at home with the four of us so she ordered his rescue.
(Joey enters)
Joey: Hey.
Brad: So Jenna and the baby weren't home?
Joey: They probably went to get something to eat. They'll be back.
Ross: It's midnight Joey. Where are they going to go at midnight?
Joey: Well Taco Bell's drive-thru is open until 2am.
Ross: How 'bout this Joe? Jenna and the baby have gone to Brad and Jennifer's house with the rest of the wives and kids.
Joey: Why would they do that?
Ross: Do you not think that Monica or Jennifer has told Jenna who really planned your honeymoon by now?
Joey: This, this just keeps getting worse! Now she's gonna find out that I didn't pay for the hotel suite even though I told her I did. God, I just hope she doesn't find out that I put the airline tickets on her credit card.
Brad: So you're basically saying that you didn't pay for almost anything for your honeymoon.
Joey: Pretty much.
Ross: You are in some serious sh^t Joey.
(Chandler enters)
Chandler: I got here as fast as I could. What are we gonna do?
Ross: We need to cut our losses. If we just ignore that the fact that our wives aren't at home, they'll totally use that against us during the peace process. And that's just how it'll be with them, it'll get real ugly when they throw our children into the mix.
Joey: I vote we ignore the problem.
Ross: With your objective being to have the shortest marriage ever?
Chandler: I vote we face the music. I vote we face the music first thing in the morning.
Brad: Ross is right. We need to go out to my place tonight. If we wait until the morning they'll be liable to shoot us as we walk up the driveway.
Joey: We could always wait until Saturday.
Chandler: It was a metaphor Joey.
Joey: What was?
Brad (on his cell): Can you pick me up at Ross Geller's in ten minutes? (pause) Great. (to the others) We roll in ten. If you have protective cups, I'd put them on. Low blows are a real possibility tonight.
BRAD & JENNIFER'S RESIDENCE (The ladies are present. The kids are down for the night)
Jennifer (closing her cell phone): They're on their way.
Rachel: That was Brad?
Jennifer: Brad's limo driver. They just left the Village, it'll be at least 45-50 minutes until they show up here.
Monica: And we're in agreement that we don't go on the offensive until morning.
Jennifer/Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: Jenna?
Jenna: Ok, ok.
Rachel: You can do this Jenna. All you have to do is blindfold Joey, put the handcuffs on him and then leave the room. You'll then switch with Courteney and watch the kids 'til we're done messing with our husbands.
Phoebe: And what's my role exactly?
Jennifer: We're gonna use you as the misinformation officer. For example, you're gonna tell Ross that Chandler is blaming everything on him while telling Chandler the exact opposite. Then you're gonna go tell Brad that Ross and Chandler said that he made them watch the games even after their cover was blown.
Jenna: But what about Joey? What are we doing to Joey again?
Courteney: Do you remember when Joey told you that he lost a movie role because he told his leading lady that he was looking forward to the simulated sex scenes with her?
Jenna: Yeah.
Courteney: I was that leading lady. I'm just gonna exact a little revenge. I hope you don't mind?
Jenna: Not at all. (pause) I'm still confused. Why do you have four pairs of handcuffs Jennifer?
Jennifer: Monica and Rachel brought their pair, Phoebe chipped in hers and I have ours.
Jenna: But why do you guys have handcuffs to begin with?
Phoebe: Once you've done the deed 'cuffed you'll want to do it again.
(35 minutes elapse - The guys arrive and enter)
Brad: Jennifer?
Jennifer: In the kitchen.
Brad: Now don't admit to anything until they confront us.
Chandler: But Monica's just gonna look at me funny and I'm gonna cave. (Joey whacks him upside the head) What was that for?
Joey: For being a patsy. You start crying and we're all toast.
(the guys enter the kitchen to find the ladies except Courteney)
Rachel: How were the basketball games?
Ross: Pretty good. A couple of upsets.
Phoebe: Did Central Michigan win?
Ross: As a matter of fact they did. That was the major upset of the day.
Monica: What brings you guys out here?
Chandler: Well when we realized that none of you were home when it got past midnight, Brad suggested that you guys had come out here for the evening.
Jennifer (hugging Brad): Such a smart boy. Well I'm beat and ready to hit the sack. Ross, Chandler and Joey, your wives will show you to your rooms. See you all in the morning.
Brad: I'll be right up honey.
Jennifer: Ok.
Phoebe: See you tomorrow guys.
All: Goodnight Phoebe.
Brad: Mon, Rach, Jenna, I'll show these guys to your rooms. We have to get our bags from the limo.
Monica/Rachel/Jenna: Ok.
(Monica, Rachel and Jenna make their way upstairs)
Joey: We're home free!
Brad: Maybe it was just Monica who was messing with us. I don't think the others know.
Ross: Rachel would've ripped my tongue out of my mouth by now if she knew.
Chandler: I don't believe it! We actually got away with it! We've totally got to do this again!
CLOSING CREDITS
BRAD & JENNIFER'S RESIDENCE (The next morning. Everyone is present but still in the respective bedrooms. Courteney has taken the children down to the kitchen for breakfast)
(Cut to Brad and Jennifer's room - Jennifer is placing a blindfold on Brad)
Brad: Is this really necessary?
Jennifer: I want it to be wild and this makes it wild for me. Hands behind your back. (Brad does so - Jennifer places the handcuffs on him) Is that too tight?
Brad: No.
Jennifer: I'll be right back.
(Cut to Ross and Rachel's room - Ross' blindfold is already on. Rachel is placing the handcuffs on Ross)
Ross: Ow!
Rachel: I thought you liked them tight?
Ross: Loosen them a little.
Rachel: When I get back. I've to get myself ready.
Ross: Love you!
Rachel: Me too!
(Rachel exits her room and joins Monica in the hall)
Monica: Is Jenna done yet?
Rachel: This isn't gonna work if Jenna doesn't get Joey handcuffed.
(Jenna emerges)
Jenna: He kept insisting that I handcuff his ankles as well so I had to tie them up with some bed sheets.
(Jennifer joins them)
Jennifer: And now the fun starts. Monica, go tell Phoebe that she's on and Jenna go trade places with Courteney. Operation Strangle A Liar is about to commence.