THE ONE WITH THE INVASION OF
PRIVACY
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
BRAD & JENNIFER'S RESIDENCE (The next morning. Everyone is present but still in their respective bedrooms. Courteney has taken the children down to the kitchen for breakfast)
(Cut to Brad and Jennifer's room - Jennifer is placing a blindfold on Brad)
Brad: Is this really necessary?
Jennifer: I want it to be wild and this makes it wild for me. Hands behind your back. (Brad does so - Jennifer places the handcuffs on him) Is that too tight?
Brad: No.
Jennifer: I'll be right back.
(Cut to Ross and Rachel's room - Ross' blindfold is already on. Rachel is placing the handcuffs on Ross)
Ross: Ow!
Rachel: I thought you liked them tight?
Ross: Loosen them a little.
Rachel: When I get back. I've to get myself ready.
Ross: Love you!
Rachel: Me too!
(Rachel exits her room and joins Monica in the hall)
Monica: Is Jenna done yet?
Rachel: This isn't gonna work if Jenna doesn't get Joey handcuffed.
(Jenna emerges)
Jenna: He kept insisting that I handcuff his ankles as well so I had to tie them up with some bed sheets.
(Jennifer joins them)
Jennifer: And now the fun starts. Monica, go tell Phoebe that she's on and Jenna go trade places with Courteney. Operation Strangle A Liar is about to commence.
OPENING CREDITS
BRAD & JENNIFER'S RESIDENCE (Continued from earlier - Cut to Ross and Rachel's bedroom. Phoebe enters)
Ross: Rachel?
Phoebe: It's Phoebe. You're in deep sh^t Ross.
Ross: What?
Phoebe: Carol called Rachel yesterday and told her that she couldn't pick up Ben from school. They got to talking and Rachel found out that Carol's been picking up Ben from school for you. It gets even worse though, the head of Caitlin's playgroup called and talked to Rachel just to make sure that she hadn't done anything to offend you and hoped that you'd bring Caitlin back.
Ross: Are you serious?
Phoebe: I just came in here to warn you. This whole handcuff thing was a set up.
Ross: Well free me!
Phoebe: And let Rachel know that I tipped you off? I don't think so. I'd better go.
Ross: You have to free me Phoebe!
Phoebe: I can't, I'm sorry.
Ross: At least take this stupid blindfold off.
Phoebe: Then Rachel would know that I was in here. Oh, one other thing, Monica's pissed at you too.
Ross: Why? What did I do to her?
Phoebe: Chandler told Monica that it was your idea to watch the basketball games at her place and that you gave him the excuse to get out of work early. I'll see you later.
(Phoebe leaves and finds Rachel waiting in the hall for her)
Rachel: Well?
Phoebe: He's all set up. Who's next?
Rachel: Chandler. Last room on the right.
Phoebe: This is so much fun.
Rachel: It is, isn't it?
(Phoebe reaches Chandler and Monica's room)
Phoebe: Here goes nothing. (she enters and closes the door behind her)
Chandler: I've been waiting for you honey.
Phoebe: Well keep on waiting.
Chandler: Phoebe? What are you doing in here? Where's Monica?
Phoebe: Monica's indisposed at the moment. I'm here to warn you. You're in some deep sh^t.
Chandler: I didn't do anything. Could you please take this blindfold off?
Phoebe: I can't do that Chandler. I don't want Monica to know that I tipped you off.
Chandler: Could you at least tell me what I did?
Phoebe: The whole incident from yesterday doesn't ring any bells?
Chandler: Oh.
Phoebe: That's the least of your worries. Ross and Brad have sold you out as well. They've told Rachel and Jennifer that yesterday's little ploy was entirely planned by you. They set you out to dry to save their own asses.
Chandler: They wouldn't do that. We agreed we wouldn't do that.
Phoebe: Well that's exactly what happened Gay Boy. You're shouldering this fiasco all by yourself. I think I hear Monica coming, I'd better go. (Phoebe leaves)
Chandler: You gotta free me Phoebe! Don't leave me like this! Phoebe?
(Phoebe joins Monica and Rachel in the hall)
Phoebe: Two down two to go.
Rachel: No, you only have Brad left to talk to. Courteney's handling Joey.
Monica: It's too bad we can't videotape Courteney and Joey's encounter for Jenna.
(Jennifer and Courteney approach with a video camera in hand)
Jennifer: And let Jenna miss out on all the fun? I don't think so.
Phoebe: Where's Jenna anyway?
Jennifer: She took the kids to the beach.
Courteney: Who's up now?
Jennifer: Joey. Brad'll go last. Then we'll march the rest of the stooges into our bedroom for their court hearing.
Courteney: Which is Joey's room?
Jennifer: The second from the left. Here's the camera.
(Courteney enters Joey and Jenna's room to find Joey handcuffed and his feet tied by bed sheets. She places the video camera on the dresser and presses record)
Joey: Jenna? Where the hell have you been? (Courteney goes behind Joey and takes off his blindfold. Joey swings his head around to look at her) Who are you?
Courteney: You don't remember me? You don't recognize my voice?
Joey: Did we sleep together at some point?
Courteney: Thankfully no.
Joey: Then I have no idea who you are.
Courteney: I hate to admit this but I'm a little hurt. Here I thought you'd remember me. After all a couple of months ago you told me you were looking forward to having simulated sex with me.
Joey: You're, you're, no this can't be happening….
Courteney (unbuttoning her blouse): But it is.
Joey: What, ah what, what are you doing?
Courteney: Well you wanted to have simulated sex with me so that's what we're gonna do.
Joey: But I'm married.
Courteney: I am too.
Joey: But that was just part of a movie, this, this isn't part of a movie. My wife will kill me if she sees this.
Courteney: I know that's why I'm videotaping this. I'm giving a copy to Jenna.
Joey: You're what!
Courteney: A copy to Jenna. She's a real nice person. We got to talk at length yesterday.
Joey: Look, look, what's your name again?
Courteney: Courteney.
Joey: I can't do this, there's a fine line between doing something as an actor and doing something for real. This wouldn't be acting, it'd be for real.
Courteney: Not really, it's not like there's gonna be any penetration or anything. I'm just gonna get naked a little bit and you and I are gonna act like we're getting it on.
Joey: You can't make me to do that. I won't do it.
Courteney (unbuttoning Joey's pants): You're the one who's handcuffed. I'm the one in the driver's seat here.
Joey: Please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I said that to you!
Courteney (starting to take off her bra): You really want me to stop?
Joey: Please! I'll do anything.
Courteney: Admit to me that you're gay.
Joey: WHAT!
Courteney: Admit to me that you're gay and that you want to have hot sex with Brad.
Joey: I'll do anything, anything but that.
(Courteney, holding her bra against her chest, starts to kiss Joey)
Courteney: Last chance. At the count of five, I drop my bra and start rubbing my boobs across your face. Five, four, three, two….
Joey: I'm gay and I want to have hot sex with Brad.
Courteney: That wasn't loud enough.
Joey: I said it! What more do you want from me!
Courteney: Five, four, three, two, one…
Joey: I'm gay and I want to have hot sex with Brad!
Courteney (putting her bra back on): See that wasn’t too hard. Someone will be in for you shortly. (Courteney gets the video camera from the table and leaves)
(Cut to the hall)
Courteney: Well Joey is now on record as a homosexual. I'm gonna go find Jenna and relieve her.
Rachel: We heard his declaration out here.
Monica: One more person to go.
Phoebe: I'm ready.
Jennifer: Keep it real brief with Brad Phoebe. Don't let him ask to many questions or he'll figure it out.
Phoebe: Not a problem.
(Phoebe enters Brad and Jennifer's master bedroom)
Brad: Could you take these handcuffs off Jen, I have to pee.
Phoebe: It's Phoebe Brad. Jennifer's changing Courteney. Look, Rachel, Monica and Jenna confronted Ross, Joey and Chandler about ten minutes ago over yesterday's fiasco and they have blamed everything on you. They've totally left you holding the bag. I guarantee you that Monica or Rachel will report their findings to Jennifer.
Brad: Me? It was Chandler's idea to have everyone over in the first place!
Phoebe: Well that's not what he told Monica. He apparently told Monica that you forced him to have everyone at his place.
Brad: I'm not taking the blame for this. No way, I'm not taking the blame. What did Ross say?
Phoebe: That you used him as an alibi to dupe Jennifer. (pause) Crap, I think Jennifer's coming, I'd better go. Good luck.
(Phoebe leaves. Rachel, Monica, Jennifer and Jenna are waiting for her in the hall)
Jennifer: Now Phoebe, if you'll escort our husbands into our bedroom, their trials may commence.
(Cut to five minutes later - Ross, Joey and Chandler have joined Brad in
his bedroom. They're all seated on the floor. Jennifer, Rachel, Monica and
Jenna are seated in chairs in front of them. Phoebe is sitting on the bed)
Jennifer: Phoebe, you may remove the blindfolds. (One by one, Phoebe does so)
Ross: What's going on here?
Rachel: You're on trial.
Ross: For what?
Rachel: Your charges will be read in just a matter of moments.
Brad: Do we get a lawyer?
Jennifer: You're lucky you're not being executed dear.
Phoebe: Monica, the floor is yours.
Monica: Chandler you are accused to failing to inform your wife of inviting visitors over and lying to me that you had taken yesterday afternoon off from work when you merely left early. How do you plead?
Chandler: Guilty.
Phoebe: Rachel, the floor is yours.
Rachel: Ross, you are accused to lying to me about the real reason you wanted me to take off work yesterday and today, dereliction of parental duty in watching our youngest child, removing her from playgroup without my consent and dereliction in parental duty for asking your ex-wife to pick up your son from school when you were supposed to be doing it. How do you plead?
Ross: How'd you find out about the playgroup thing? I only told….Phoebe!
Rachel: How do you plead Ross?
Ross: Guilty.
Phoebe: Jennifer, the floor is yours.
Jennifer: Brad, you are accused of lying to me yesterday about having a lunch appointment with Ross and then a dinner engagement with a movie producer in Tribeca. How do you plead?
Brad: No contest.
Phoebe: And finally, Jenna, the floor is yours.
Jenna: Joey, you are accused of taking credit for planning and paying for our honeymoon when the evidence suggests otherwise, and admitting to Courteney Cox Arquette that you're gay and want to have hot sex with Brad. How do you plead?
Joey: Innocent.
Brad: What are you doing? She has you bent over a log with a two by four ready to invade your poop hole.
Jenna: So you're pleading innocent? If the court will allow me to call my first witness, I shall do so.
Phoebe: Go ahead.
Jenna: Jenna Tribbiani calls Chandler Bing to the stand.
Chandler: Ah, there's no actual stand.
Jenna: Just sit there and answer my questions.
Chandler: Yes ma'am.
Jenna: The night before the defendant and I's wedding, did you not stop by our apartment to check in on the defendant?
Chandler: Yes.
Jenna: Did you ask the defendant where he was going on his honeymoon?
Chandler: Yes.
Jenna: How did he reply?
Chandler: He didn't. He then indicated that he had forgotten to plan his honeymoon and asked for my help.
Jenna: Which you agreed to do.
Chandler: Yes.
Jenna: Did he give you a credit card to take care of the travel arrangements?
Chandler: He gave me a Visa card.
Jenna: Did you look at the name on the card?
Chandler: Yes.
Jenna: Who's name was on the card?
Chandler: Jenna L. Eddy.
Jenna: Thank you Chandler. We're done. I'd like to call Brad Pitt next.
Phoebe: Ok.
Jenna: Brad, you were the one who booked Joey and I in the Royal Suite and the Elbow Resort in Bermuda were you not?
Brad: Yes.
Jenna: Did you pay for our room for our entire stay?
Brad: Both Jennifer and I did.
Jenna: That'll be all. (pause) Finally, I like to play a videotape shot earlier today in which my husband declares he's now gay and has a need to have hot sex with Brad.
Joey: Ok, ok, I plead guilty.
Phoebe: Too late, you already pleaded innocent.
(Jennifer puts the tape in the VCR and hits play)
Courteney: Five, four, three, two, one…
Joey: I'm gay and I want to have hot sex with Brad!
(Jennifer hits stop)
Jenna: I rest my case.
Phoebe: Joey Tribbiani, you are hereby found guilty of all charges brought against you.
Joey: But I didn't get to present my case!
Phoebe: I know that. You're still guilty.
Brad (to Joey): This was a courtesy trial Joe, we were all guilty the minute we stepped foot in this house last night.
Phoebe: Ross, Chandler and Brad you are hereby found guilty of the charges brought against you by your wives and are sentenced to spend the rest of the weekend here watching your children while your wives go away for the weekend with myself, Jenna and Courteney Cox Arquette. Because baby Jenna is too young to be left with just her father, Joey, at his wife's request, is sentenced to pay for our weekend away. Court is adjourned.
Joey: I'm not paying for squat!
Jenna: Too late honey, I already lifted your credit card from your wallet.
(Cut to an hour later - The ladies have left for the weekend)
Brad: This isn't all that bad guys. No wives for the weekend and we still get to watch all the college basketball we want. And when we get sick of basketball, we have 499 other channels to chose from.
Ben: Your TV isn't working Uncle Brad.
Brad: Of course it is buddy. Did you turn in it on?
Ben: I'm not an idiot. Of course I turned it on.
Ross: Ben, don't talk to Uncle Brad that way.
Ben: Sorry.
(Brad turns on the TV. He's prompted for a password)
Brad: What the hell is this? (changes the channel - still the same prompt) But….
Joey: Are we not gonna be watching the games now or are we gonna have to ask Ben to fix the TV?
Brad: It's never done this before. It's like every single channel we get has been locked.
Chandler: That sneaky little wife of yours pre-programmed your satellite box and put a password on it so we can't watch TV all weekend. Monica does the same thing to me when I been watching too much porn, I mean, movies at home.
Ben: What's porn?
Chandler: Not now Ben.
Ross: Just call the satellite company, there's gotta by a way around the password. Tell that your daughter was accidentally pressing buttons and locked your system. Just ask them how to unlock it.
NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE (Jennifer, Courteney, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe and Jenna are present. Their limo)
Rachel: Do you think they've figured the thing about the TV yet?
Jennifer: Definitely. Brad's probably calling the satellite provider right now to ask them to reset our satellite receiver.
Jenna: But what was the point of locking the system if they can just call to get in unlocked?
Jennifer: Because I already called the satellite company asking them to unlock the system on my authorization only. Besides, each channel has it's own password. 500 channels means 500 passwords. Now there is one magical password that would unlock the system but Brad's too stupid to figure out what it is.
Phoebe: Are you sure you don't want a female lover? I just love the way you think.
Courteney: What stops them from leaving the house once they figure out that they can't watch any TV?
Jennifer: I also called our limo service and told them not to pick Brad or his guests up at our house for the rest of the weekend.
Monica: They'll just call a cab.
Jennifer: True, but do you know how expensive a cab ride is from the Hamptons to the Village? And how tough of a ride it would be with children? I bet they just stay put.
(a cell phone goes off)
Rachel: Not mine.
Phoebe: I keep mine on vibrate.
Jennifer: It's mine. (answering) Hello? (pause) Hey honey. (pause) Well did you punch in the password? (pause) Oh. Did you call the satellite company and ask for their help? (pause) Well I guess you guys are just gonna have to watch DVDs all weekend. (pause) That's right, I'm not telling you what the password is to unlock the system. (pause) Totally forgot about that. I guess you can just watch Courteney's DVDs. (pause) I know it's not fair but then I don't always play fair, especially when you've ticked me off. Have a nice weekend. We'll be at the Trump Taj Mahal if you need us. Bye. (to the others) He's a little upset.
Monica: You took his DVDs with you?
Jennifer: Yeah. But on the bright side, they can all watch Barney all weekend.
Phoebe: Yeah but I don't think that's punishing Joey, he loves Barney.
BRAD & JENNIFER'S RESIDENCE (The guys are present)
Brad: That little wench locked the satellite system and also told the satellite company not to provide me with the passwords to unlock the system. And get this, they're staying at the Taj Mahal this weekend in a Lanai Suite.
Ross: Well we can still watch movies on your DVD player.
Brad: She took those too. The only thing she left for us are Courteney's videos. So unless you feel like watching Barney or the Teletubbies all weekend, we'd better find another way to entertain ourselves.
Joey: You have Barney videos? (notices everyone is looking at him) I was just thinking that Ben, Michael, Caitlin and Courteney might want to watch a Barney video. I could supervise in case it got too scary.
Ben: Barney is for babies Uncle Joey.
Chandler: Let's just go back to the City. We can watch the kids and still watch the games. They never said that we'd have to stay here all weekend.
Brad: I'll call for the limo. (Brad goes into the kitchen)
Ross: I feel sorry for you Joey, the Taj Mahal is pricey.
Joey: Why should I care? I'm not paying for it.
Chandler: Jenna took your credit card you idiot. You are paying for it. You're paying for all five of them. They're probably staying in a master suite too.
Ross: A Lanai Suite. A suite that probably costs $1350 a night.
Joey: What! I, I, gotta cancel that credit card right now. What's the number to do that?
Ross: It's either on your credit card statement, which you don't have at the moment, or on the back of the card itself, which you also don't have.
Joey: Can I get the number from information?
Ross: What type of card is it?
Joey: Duh! A credit card. Did I not make myself clear?
(Brad returns from the kitchen)
Chandler: What time are we leaving?
Brad: Not any time soon. Jennifer also arranged to make sure the limo service we use wouldn't pick any of us up for the weekend. If we want to go anywhere, we have to take a cab.
Joey: So call for a cab.
Brad: This is the Hamptons Joey, you just don't call for a cab. It's not a "cab" type of place.
Ross: Aren't there any other limousine services out here? We could just hire one of them?
Brad: A good idea. But...
Chandler: Jennifer already beat us to them.
Ross: Ben, go take Michael, Caitlin and Courteney upstairs in Uncle Brad's playroom.
Ben: Why?
Ross: Because the Daddies have to talk grown up stuff.
Ben: Ok. (to the other kids) Let's go upstairs guys. (Ben takes the other kids upstairs)
Brad: I'm going to kill that bitch! She's gone too far!
Ross: I'm just worried. I mean, Jennifer and Monica have exacted their revenge on you and Chandler and Joey is paying for their weekend in Atlantic City but I haven't been surprised with anything yet. I'm beginning to feel like I don't want to know what is in store for me.
Chandler: It is kind of funny.
Brad: What?
Chandler: Well it's not like Jennifer's done anything totally mean. She just merely cut us off from TV and is making us come up with another way to get out of here.
Joey: I need to watch Barney. Barney brings me peace.
Ross: Excuse Joey, he just found out how much it is a night to rent a Lanai Suite at the Taj Mahal.
Brad: You know, I say we surprise them. I say we stay here and do what they would do if they were in our shoes.
Joey: You want us to have sex together? I don't think so.
Chandler: Joey, remember how there's a difference between fact and fiction?
Joey: Yeah?
Chandler: When women get together they don't sleep together. That's a fact. In fiction, where your mind spends the majority of its time, they do.
Joey: Gotcha.
Ross: Then I guess we'll just stay here. It has been a while since I got to hang out with my son and daughter.
Chandler: I thought you were staying at home to watch the kids?
Ross: Technically yes, but Carol has been watching Ben a lot lately, and Caitlin has been spending a lot of time with Phoebe.
Brad: And the wrath of Rachel still hasn't struck you down yet?
Ross: Why do you think I've sh^t my drawers?
TAJ MAHAL CASINO - ATLANTIC CITY, NJ (The ladies are present. It's 4 four am, Saturday morning. They've all just stumbled back to their room)
Rachel: I lost my money. What happened to my loot? (looks down her shirt and pulls a wad of cash out of her bra) Here it is!
Jennifer: I wonder if the guys ever did leave the Hamptons for the Village?
Phoebe: I doubt it.
Courteney: Why do you say that?
Phoebe: I don't pick up a vibration that they left. I really think they're still there.
Jenna (to Courteney): She's a little bit psychic. I thought it was weird at first too but she's pretty accurate.
Courteney: Is that why you won all the money tonight at blackjack?
Phoebe: The dealer was doing a poor job of dealing his cards. He kept tipping what cards were next.
Monica: Phoebe! That's cheating!
Phoebe: What was I supposed to do? Say excuse me Mr. Dealer Man but you're showing what the next card is to the people at the table before you deal it?
Jennifer: How much did you win?
Phoebe: I dunno, 15 grand or so.
Monica: What!
Phoebe: I just followed that dealer all night. Wherever he went I went. Don't worry, I gave him a nice tip when it was quitting time.
Jenna: What'd ya give him? A $1,000?
Phoebe: No, I told him that he needed to improve his card dealing capabilities.
BRAD & JENNIFER'S RESIDENCE (The guys and the children are present. They're playing hide-n-seek in the backyard)
Joey: 48, 49, 50! Ready or not, here I come!
(A montage follows. Joey finds Chandler and Michael but Chandler points to Joey's fly indicating that it's down, when Joey looks down, Chandler and Michael slip away to home base. Next Joey sees Ben racing towards home base and Joey goes after him but Ben reaches home base safely. As Joey walks away to find Ross and Caitlin or Brad and Courteney, Brad and Courteney emerge from the bushes right behind home base and reach safety. Joey turns around)
Joey: Where were you?
Brad: We were hiding. That's why it's called hide-n-seek Joe.
Joey: Where're Ross and Caitlin?
Chandler: They're out there Joey. They're out there.
Joey: Where are they hiding!
Ben: In front of the house.
Chandler: Ben!
(Joey races to the front of the house as Ross and Caitlin emerge from the pool gazebo and stroll to home base)
Brad: Come on back Joey! Everyone's safe!
(Joey re-enters the backyard)
Joey: You were supposed to be in the front yard!
Ross: We were, the last game. This time we weren't. Had enough yet Joe?
Joey: This isn't fair, you guys keep cheating!
Chandler: Joey, with the exception of Ben, none of our kids is two yet. It's nearly impossible to cheat at hide-n-seek anyway.
Joey: I've been "it" for five straight games and I can't catch any of you! You're cheating!
Brad: Joey, how exactly do you cheat at hide-n-sneak anyway?
Joey: You, you, you're moving home base.
Brad: Home base has been the same since we started playing. The only thing that's been different are our hiding places.
Joey: See! You haven't been hiding in the same spots!
Brad: But….
Ross: Let's break for lunch before Joey's mind has a meltdown.
TAJ MAHAL CASINO - ATLANTIC CITY, NJ (The ladies are present. It's 4pm Saturday afternoon. They're all getting ready to go back to the Casino)
Jennifer: Everything ok Rach?
Rachel: Huh?
Jennifer: Are you ok?
Rachel: Yeah. I was just thinking how you, Jenna, and Monica got back at your husbands but I haven't come up with a way to get back at Ross.
Jennifer: I merely cut off TV and the limo from Brad. That's hardly a punishment. And Monica stuck it to Chandler yesterday and Jenna's husband is being kind enough to pay for our hotel suite for the weekend. But none of this was mean spirited, it was just to make their lives a little uncomfortable. Did you want to do something mean to Ross?
Rachel: No, no, not at all.
Jennifer: Then what's the problem?
Rachel: It's, it's, it's just that I feel like I should do something to him to let him know that I was disappointed to find out about the crap that he was pulling.
Jennifer: Phoebe?
(Phoebe joins them)
Phoebe: Yeah?
Jennifer: Rachel has a problem. She wants to get back at Ross for things he did but doesn't want to be mean about it either.
Phoebe: Hold on. Monica.
(Monica joins them)
Monica: Yeah?
Phoebe: How would you get back at your brother, in a good-natured way, for what he did to Rachel?
Monica: Tough one, definitely a tough one. (long pause) I got it! Tell the story to everyone tomorrow about how Ross had a crush on you when he was in the 9th grade and the pathetic steps he took to try to win your heart.
Rachel: Nah, that would take over four hours to tell.
Monica: Oh my God! I've totally got it! Remember that thing Ross did to cheer you up a couple of weeks ago? Tell that story. It's cute and embarrassing all at the same time.
Phoebe: Story?
Rachel: I don't know Monica, I only told you that story in confidence. He'll get mad.
Phoebe: Story?
Jennifer: Well at least tell us what it is and then we can help you decide whether you should tell it or not. Courteney, Jenna, come here for a sec.
Rachel: Fine. I was feeling down a couple of weeks ago, actually I was in a real pissy mood, and Ross kept trying to cheer me up. Well it got close to bedtime and Ross went into our bathroom. Ten minutes later he calls out to tell me to shut off the lights. I told him no but he said to just play along so I did. So I shut off the lights and I hear Ross come out of the bathroom. He tells me to turn the lights back on and when I do, I find Ross standing in front of me wearing a pink teddy, bright red ruby lipstick and a bottle of wine with two glasses. Needless to say, I started busting up.
Jenna: He really did that?
Rachel: Yeah.
Courteney: You should totally tell that story, it shows how sweet Ross is.
Rachel: The guys will crucify him.
Monica: Good-naturedly for sure, but not maliciously.
Rachel: Ok, ok, I'll tell it when we get back to Jennifer's.
BRAD & JENNIFER'S RESIDENCE (The guys and the children are present. The kids are down for the night)
Ross: I thought this was gonna be weird, but it's kinda neat that there's no TV to watch.
Joey: Yeah. I feel smarter already.
Chandler: Reading the TV Guide does not make you smarter Joey.
Brad: More beer?
Ross: I've had too many so why not?
Joey: None for me.
Chandler: I'll take another one and Joey's as well.
Brad: I gotta say, 18 months ago I wouldn't have pictured myself having spent the day playing hide-n-seek with my kid and my friends.
Joey: I still can't believe I was "it" the whole time.
Chandler: It's almost as if you'd never played the game before Joe. You're supposed to find the people hiding before they reach home base, not the other way around.
Brad: Don't feel bad Joey, baby Courteney still struggles with the game too.
Ross: Ben's gonna be 10 soon. It just blows my mind that my son is gonna be 10.
Chandler: Joey still is 10.
Joey: I'm 29!
Ross: You were 29 three years ago Joey.
Joey: Oh.
Chandler: Is this what women do when we're not around?
Ross: What?
Chandler: Just sit around and hang out?
Brad: I guess, but I think they drink wine instead of beer.
Joey: Do you think they watch porn? (the others stare at Joey) I was just wondering! Guys, we sit around and watch porn sometimes.
Chandler: At a bachelor party!
Joey: That's still sometime.
Brad: How is it that you can't get acting jobs Joey?
Joey: I dunno.
Ross: Well for one thing telling your female co-star that you're looking forward to having simulated sex with her is a sure way to lose a role.
BRAD & JENNIFER'S RESIDENCE (The next day. 11am. The ladies have returned)
Jennifer: How was your male bonding time?
Brad: Fine. We played hide-n-seek with the kids for hours yesterday.
Ben: Uncle Joey was always "it" because he could never find anyone.
Joey: I told you Ben, everyone was cheating.
Jenna: Joey!
Chandler (to Monica): Did you win any money?
Monica: No, I did however lose $559.
Chandler: That's not too bad.
Monica: It is when you consider I was up $9,975 late last night.
Chandler: And you gave it all back? Are you crazy?
Monica: I kept crapping out.
Jenna (to Joey): Here's your bill. The other ladies and myself would like to thank you for paying for our room at the Trump Taj Mahal. Consider the bill the money you were supposed to spend on our honeymoon.
Joey (looking at the bill): Lovely. I hope you all had a good time.
Ross: Alright, are we heading back to the City or staying here for a while?
Rachel: Before we go anywhere Ross, you still have to face the music. Watching Caitlin and Ben for the weekend isn't going to absolve you of your crimes. I have a little story to tell everyone and you have to be present for it. Is everyone ready?
Chandler: Do the children need to go upstairs?
Rachel: Good idea. Ben, take the other kids up to the playroom. Mommy will get you when you can come down again.
Ben: But Mom….
Rachel: Sorry buddy, this story is for grown-ups only.
Ben: Ok. (Ben takes the other children and heads upstairs)
Ross: What story are you going to tell?
Rachel: It's all just innocent fun Ross.
Ross: The story about what I did for you a couple of weeks ago? That story?
Rachel: Maybe.
Ross: You're not telling that story Rachel. That's private. A private thing I did for you when you were blue.
Monica: Stop being a baby Ross, it's not that bad.
Ross (now a little mad - to Rachel): Monica knows? You told Monica?
Phoebe: And Phoebe.
Jennifer: Jennifer too.
Jenna: Don't forget me.
Courteney: I know but I'm starting to wish I didn't.
Ross (now furious): You told all of them! You told them all! I humiliated myself to cheer you up in the privacy of our bedroom and this is how you respect my privacy? By telling your girlfriends? What gives you the f^cking right to do that Rachel!
Rachel: Don't do this here Ross.
Ross: Why not? You're the one who fired the opening shot! I'm just finishing it! Do I go sharing private things about you to Joey, Chandler or Brad? Have I ever shared any of the horror stories that you told me about your high school experiences? No, I keep them to my f^cking self because I respect your privacy! Humiliating me in front of my friends is your idea of payback because I took Caitlin out of playgroup or asked Ben's mother to pick him up from school! I tried to cheer you up when you were feeling blue and all you can think of is to use that experience as a way of humiliating me even more! Why! Why would you even think of doing that! Am I not a good husband! Do you not care about my f^cking feelings! You know what! I'm f^cking taking our kids and going home! You can stay the f^ck wherever you want tonight, I really don't f^cking care!
(Ross goes upstairs to get Ben and Caitlin, leaving the others stunned. An awkward moment of silence is broken by Joey)
Joey: So what's this embarrassing thing Ross did Rach? (Jenna smacks him across the head as Rachel glares at him) Forget it, I don't need to know.
(Ross comes down stairs with Caitlin and Ben)
Ross (to Ben and Caitlin) Go give Mommy a kiss goodbye. (The kids go over to Rachel) Thanks for everything Brad. It was a lot of fun.
Brad: The limo will take you back to the Village.
Ross: Are you sure?
Jennifer: Positive.
Chandler: See you later Ross.
Monica: I'm sorry I called you a baby.
Ross: Just let it be Monica.
Joey: You still owe $20.
Ross: You owe me $20.
Joey: Call it even?
Ross: Sure. (to Courteney) It was nice meeting you even if it was only brief. Take care.
Courteney: You too.
Ross: Let's go kids.
(Ross makes it a point not to say goodbye to Rachel. Ross and the kids leave. As the door shuts, Rachel breaks down in tears)
CLOSING CREDITS
BRAD & JENNIFER'S RESIDENCE (Brad, Jennifer, baby Courteney, Courteney and Rachel are present. Cut to Brad and Jennifer's bedroom)
Brad: Did she finally stop crying?
Jennifer: Yeah, I think she dehydrated herself. (pause) Ross over-reacted. He blew this way out of proportion.
Brad: Well I don't know what the thing is that Ross did for Rachel to cheer her up but if it involved putting on women's intimate clothing, then Ross had every reason to be upset. You don't share that with anyone. That stays between husband and wife.
Jennifer: Did he tell you that's what he did?
Brad: No. Why?
Jennifer: Because that's what he did to cheer Rachel up.
Brad: Then Rachel made a big mistake telling anyone about it. What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom.
Jennifer: We all encouraged her to tell the story. She didn't want to but we all encouraged her to do it. We all said that everyone would get a laugh and that's all. We pushed Rachel right into the buzz saw. Problem is, we pushed her in sideways and she never saw the blade coming.