THE ONE WITH ROSS' DAY OF DOING
NOTHING
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
READERS SHOULD BE ADVISED THAT THIS FIC CONTAINS STRONG SEXUAL CONTENT.
IT IS NOT INTENDED FOR READERS UNDER 16.
ROSS & RACHEL'S FLAT (Ross, Rachel, Caitlin and Monica are present. It's Saturday morning. Ross hasn't emerged from the bedroom yet. Rachel and Monica are sitting at the table)
Monica: I can't believe you actually let him sleep in.
Rachel: Why shouldn't I? He takes care of the kids all week while I'm at work. Saturday morning is for him. You actually make Chandler get out of bed on Saturday?
Monica: You bet I do. There're a million things that have to be done and he has to help.
Rachel: Like what?
Monica: Making the bed, feeding Michael, cleaning the flat, you know, chores.
Rachel: Then what are you doing here?
Monica: Oh, I finished my chores already.
Rachel: It's 8:30 in the morning. How could you have your chores done already?
Monica: It's pretty simple actually. I woke up, woke up Chandler, told him what needed to be done and came over here.
Rachel: So you don't have any chores.
Monica: I did. My chore was to tell Chandler what I wanted him to do.
Rachel: And then you came right over here?
Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: And it never occurred to you that Chandler probably put Michael in bed with him and fell back to sleep.
Monica: He wouldn't do that.
Rachel: And why is that?
Monica: Because, because he knew he'd be in trouble if I caught him sleeping when I returned home.
Rachel: He went back to bed.
Monica: No he didn't.
Rachel: I'll bet you $20 that he did.
Monica: I'll be right back to collect my money.
(Monica gets up and leaves as Ross emerges from their bedroom)
Ross: Was that Monica?
Rachel: Yeah. She's going home to check on Chandler.
Ross: He went back to bed after she came over here.
Rachel: Of course he did.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Chandler and Michael are sleeping on the bed in the master bedroom as Monica enters)
Monica: Chandler? (Monica enters the master bedroom to find Chandler and Michael) Chandler!
Chandler: I'm up! I'm up!
Monica: You're supposed to be doing your chores!
Chandler: Michael and I started to make the bed and we accidentally fell back to sleep.
Monica: You expect me to believe that?
Chandler: It's the only excuse I have so yeah.
OPENING CREDITS
ROSS & RACHEL'S FLAT (Ross, Rachel and Caitlin are present)
Ross: Do we have anything planned for today?
Rachel: Not that I'm aware of, no.
Ross: Good, good. Today we will do nothing.
Rachel: We could take Caitlin to the park.
Ross: No that would be doing something. I don't want to do anything.
Rachel: So you're just gonna sit around here all day and do nothing?
Ross: Exactly.
(Monica enters)
Monica (to Rachel): Here's your twenty. The bastard went back to sleep.
Rachel: Thank you. I told you so.
Monica: I'm losing it.
Ross: Losing what?
Monica: My ability to intimidate Chandler.
Ross: Why should you have the need to intimidate him in the first place?
Monica: Because I'm the one who wears the pants in the family.
Ross: So you're saying your marriage is based on intimidation.
Monica: No.
Rachel: Then why do feel to have the need to be able to intimidate Chandler?
Monica: It just makes things easier. I tell him to do something and he does it.
Ross: You need a counselor.
Monica: I do not!
Ross: You're trying to control Chandler Monica.
Monica: I'm merely exerting my leadership skills.
Rachel: Monica honey, we love you, but you have to lighten up. Cut Chandler some slack. It's Saturday, he should be able to lounge around all morning and then help clean the flat or do the laundry. He's worked hard all week too.
Monica (sitting down): Oh my God, it's getting worse. My need for control is getting worse.
Ross: And you're just realizing this now?
Monica: What's the supposed to mean!
Rachel: Don't antagonize your sister honey. (to Monica) Mon honey, just go home and let the day happen. Don't structure your day, let the day structure itself.
Monica: But without structure there would be chaos.
Rachel: For someone who always has the need to be in control, yeah, I could see how you'd feel that way. But if you go home and let Chandler do his own thing, you might realize that he doesn't need to be controlled or told what needs to be done. He might just do it on his own.
Monica: You think?
Ross: You're not gonna know unless you give it a shot.
Monica: Ok, ok, I'm going to give Chandler his Saturday. He can do whatever he wants. I'll see you guys later.
(Monica leaves)
Ross: How long do you think she'll last?
Rachel: Four hours tops.
Ross: I give it two.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey, Jenna and Jenna Jr. are present. Joey and Jenna are lying in bed)
Joey: This is nice.
Jenna: I can't believe Jet hasn't made a sound yet.
Joey: Don't say that or you'll jinx the moment.
Jenna: What do you want to do today?
Joey: I thought we were going to look at flats?
Jenna: Yeah, we could do that. Or we could just stay in bed all day.
Joey: And be naked?
Jenna: Sounds good to me.
Joey: Wait a minute. You're still on your birth control right?
Jenna: Yes. Like I'd make that decision without consulting you first.
Joey: You did the first time.
Jenna: What!
Joey: Jet was conceived when we weren't expecting to get pregnant.
Jenna: And you're saying that it's my fault that I got pregnant?
Joey: Well you're the one with the uterus, so yeah. (Jenna gets out of bed) Where're you going?
Jenna: To check on our mistake you selfish bastard.
Joey: What? What'd I say?
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Chandler and Michael are present as Monica enters)
Chandler: I'm sorry about before.
Monica: Water under the bridge. You know what, you've worked hard all week, do whatever you want today.
Chandler: Are you feeling ok?
Monica: I'm fine. I just thought a change of pace would be nice. So go on, go do whatever you want to do.
Chandler: Is this some reverse psychology thing where you tell me not to do something but expect me to do it anyway?
Monica: No, I'm serious, you're free to do whatever you want.
Chandler: No strings attached?
Monica: I'm serious honey, I want you to do whatever it is you want to do.
Chandler: Ok. Wake me up at noon.
Monica (a little agitated): You're, you're going back to bed?
Chandler: Yeah. I want to sleep some more.
Monica: Ok. I'll wake you up at noon.
Chandler: Great! See you later. (Chandler goes into the master bedroom)
Monica: I guess it's just you and me Michael.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe is present as Jenna and Jenna Jr. enter)
Phoebe: Hey!
Jenna: Hi.
Phoebe: What's the matter?
Jenna: My husband thinks it's all my fault that we got pregnant before we got married. Other than that, everything is peachy.
Phoebe: Ok, walk me through what happened.
Jenna: We were lying in bed trying to decide what to do today and I suggested that we spend the day in bed. So he asks me if we'll be naked and I said that sounds good to me. Then he says wait a minute, are you still on your birth control. And I said yes, like I'd make a decision to go off it without talking to him about it first. Then he said you did the first time. I couldn't believe it!
Phoebe: That Joey, always shooting his mouth off.
Jenna: I just can't believe that he actually thinks that it's entirely my fault that Jet was conceived when she was. Sure, she was a mistake, but to put the blame solely on me is totally unfair.
Phoebe: You're absolutely right. You know what you should do, you shouldn't talk to Joey for the rest of the day. You shouldn't talk to him until he realizes that he was partially responsible too.
Jenna: How am I supposed to do that? We live together.
Phoebe: Then you can spend the day here with me. I'll help you out with Joey.
Jenna: How?
Phoebe: Just wait and see.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel and Caitlin are present. Rachel is straightening up in the kitchen. Ross is lying on the couch and Caitlin is playing in her playpen)
Rachel: Ross, what are you doing?
Ross: I'm lying on the couch touching myself.
Rachel: Would you please get up and do something?
Ross: No, I don't want to do anything today.
Rachel: But you're lying on the couch touching yourself. That's doing something.
Ross: Technically yes, but I'm relaxed and have no worries so I'm happy.
Rachel: Well you're starting to drive me nuts.
Ross: You can join me in my quest to do nothing today.
Rachel: You want me to lie with you on the couch and touch myself too?
Ross: If you want. Or we could touch each other.
Rachel: Yeah, I think I'll pass. I'm gonna run down to the laundry room. Watch Caitlin while I'm gone.
Ross: But that would be doing something.
Rachel: Ross!
Ross: Ok, I'll watch Caitlin. Hurry back though, I want to spend as much time doing nothing as possible.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Chandler is in the master bedroom trying to sleep. Monica is cleaning the flat while Michael plays in his playpen. Monica keeps making a lot of noise while she cleans)
Chandler: What in the hell is that woman doing? She tells me it's ok to go back to sleep and then she proceeds to make so much noise that it sounds like an action movie is playing in the family room.
Michael: Mama?
Monica: Yeah sweetie?
Michael: Juice?
Monica: No, no juice. Do you want some water?
Michael: No. I want juice.
Monica: You already had some juice. You can have water or nothing.
Michael: Juice!
Monica: Michael, Mama said no! Do you want some water?
Michael: No! Juice!
Monica (picking Michael up): Ok, you lose. It's timeout time buddy. (Michael starts crying and screaming)
(Cut to the bedroom)
Chandler (putting pillows over his ears): And now she's aggravated our son.
(Cut to Michael's room)
Monica: You stay in here until you decide to listen to Mama. When Mama says no, she means no.
(Monica shuts the door to Michael's room as he continues to scream and cry. Monica turns to the vacuum cleaner. She starts vacuuming the floors)
(Cut to the bedroom)
Chandler: This is hopeless. I can't win. (Chandler gets out of bed and goes into the family room. Monica sees him and shuts off the vacuum cleaner)
Monica: What are you doing up? It's only 10:30.
Chandler: Well it's kind of hard to sleep when your child is screaming at the top of his lungs and your wife is running the vacuum cleaner and only after she made so much noise cleaning everything else that it sounded like a herd of elephants were running through the flat.
Monica: I'm sorry, I'm trying to keep the noise level down. It's just kind of hard.
Chandler: I'll see you later.
Monica: Where're you going?
Chandler: To Joey's. It's always quiet over at Joey's. Maybe I'll climb into bed with him.
Monica: But I want you to stay here.
Chandler: That's nice honey, but my choice is to go over to Joey's. See you later.
(Chandler leaves)
Monica: I give him the day off and he throws it back in my face!
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe, Jenna and Jenna Jr. are present. Joey tries to enter Phoebe's apartment but the door is locked)
Joey: Phoebe, it's Joey, open the door.
Phoebe: I'm in the middle of something Joey, come back later.
Joey: Is Jenna in there with you?
Phoebe: I don't know where Jenna is. What'd you do now?
Joey: I'm not sure. She got mad at me and left. Are you sure she's not in there with you?
Phoebe: She's not here. Now go away.
Joey: Thanks for your help, I really appreciate it.
(Joey goes back inside his apartment)
Phoebe (to Jenna): That oughta buy us an hour or so.
ROSS & RACHEL'S FLAT (Ross, Rachel and Caitlin are present. Monica and Michael enter)
Rachel: How's the experiment going?
Monica: Not well. He went over to Joey's.
Ross: Sounds like it's going ok to me.
Monica: No it's not. If he's not at home, I don't know what he's doing.
Rachel: That's the whole point of the exercise Monica. You're relinquishing control of Chandler's life.
Monica: Oh.
Ross: So what did he do when you told him that today was his day to do anything he wanted?
Monica: He decided to go back to bed and asked me to wake him at noon.
Rachel: And what did you do?
Monica: I merely cleaned the flat.
Ross: Quietly?
Monica (burying her head in her arms): No. I made as much noise as I possibly could.
Rachel: Monica! You're supposed to let Chandler do this thing peacefully, not with you doing everything in your power to disrupt what he wants to do.
Monica: I know, I know. But in my defense, it's not my fault that Michael acted out and got a timeout.
Ross: I'll give you that one. But what did you do after you put Michael in his timeout?
Monica: I started the vacuum cleaner.
Rachel (laughing): You're completely hopeless.
Monica: But he wasn't doing anything!
Ross: Yeah he was, he was taking a nap.
Monica: Naps are for babies, not for grown men.
Rachel: Monica, just go home and clean until you can't clean anymore. That's what you normally do when you're nervous or upset.
Monica: Ok. But I gotta tell you, I'm only doing this to prove to you that I'm not a control freak.
Ross: Yeah, we'll see about that.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey is present as Chandler enters)
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Hey. Shouldn't you be at home cleaning?
Chandler: Monica gave me the day off.
Joey: Is she feeling ok?
Chandler: I haven't quite figured that one out yet. Where's Jenna and the baby?
Joey: I have no idea.
Chandler: What'd you do?
Joey: I didn't do anything!
Chandler: If you didn't do anything then Jenna and the baby would be here. So what did you do?
Joey: Honestly, I'm not quite sure.
Chandler: Well when did she get mad at you?
Joey: We were deciding what to do today and she suggested that we spend the day in bed.
Chandler: Nice.
Joey: I know. Then I asked her if she was still on her birth control and she said yes. She also said that she wouldn't go off it without talking about it with me first.
Chandler: And that made her mad?
Joey: I don't know. The only thing I said after that was that she made that decision the first time.
Chandler: Pull back the horses, there's sh^t in the road up ahead.
Joey: What?
Chandler: Joey, did you blame Jenna for getting pregnant with Jet on her?
Joey: I don't remember.
Chandler: Joey?
Joey: It might have slipped out.
Chandler: What slipped out?
Joey: I said "well you're the one with the uterus so yeah". The next thing I know she gets out of bed to check on Jet and calls me a selfish bastard. I honestly don't know what made her so mad at me.
Chandler: You idiot, you basically said it was her fault that she got pregnant when you weren't expecting that to happen!
Joey: But it was her fault.
Chandler: Did you not participate in the sex that night?
Joey: Yeah. So?
Chandler: It takes two things to conceive a child Joey, sperm and an egg. Jenna had the egg, you're the one who supplied the sperm.
Joey: But she was on birth control!
Chandler: Which isn't 100% guaranteed effective!
Joey: It should say that on the box!
Chandler: It does!
Joey: Oh boy, I've really f^cked up this time. No wonder she got all mad and disappeared.
Chandler: Why'd you even bring the birth control thing up?
Joey: Because I'm not ready to have another kid right now and I wanted to make sure that we were protected.
Chandler: Then why didn't you just say that instead of bringing up how Jet was conceived?
Joey: Because I'm an idiot!
Chandler: That may be true but you need to find a way to tell Jenna that you're sorry and that you're partially responsible for getting her pregnant.
Joey: How do I do that?
Chandler: You'll figure it out. Can I take a nap on your bed?
Joey: What?
Chandler: I can't sleep at my place, Monica keeps making a lot of noise.
Joey: Yeah, go ahead.
ROSS & RACHEL'S FLAT (Ross, Rachel and Caitlin are present. Rachel is putting Caitlin down for a nap while Ross is lying on the couch watching TV)
Ross: This is the life, my couch, the remote, and no worries. I'm doing absolutely nothing.
Rachel (emerging from Caitlin's bedroom): Are you still lying on the couch?
Ross: Yes dear.
Rachel: Would you please get up off your ass and do something?
Ross: No dear. This is Ross' day of doing nothing.
Rachel (joining Ross on the couch): We have two hours to kill. I have an idea how we could spend part of that time.
Ross: And what would that be?
Rachel: A little hot, passionate sex.
Ross: You know, on any other day I jump at that opportunity, but having sex with you right now would involve doing something and I'm not allowed to do that.
Rachel: You won't even make love to your wife? Did you smoke some weird pot this morning?
Ross: Haven't you ever dreamed of being able to spend the day doing absolutely nothing?
Rachel: No.
Ross: Well I have and today is the day that I'm fulfilling that dream.
Rachel (removing her top): I bet I can get you to make love to me right here on this couch.
Ross: It's not going to happen.
Rachel (taking off her bra): Look at that, my nipples are rock hard. (she starts swaying her boobs in Ross' face) Go on, I know you want to kiss them.
Ross: Come on, you're blocking my view of the TV.
Rachel (standing up): So you wanna play tough man. (removing her shorts and panties and jumping back on Ross) I'm all yours for the taking honey.
Ross: Sorry, not interested.
Rachel (undoing Ross' pants): Seems like the missile is armed and ready.
Ross: Please Rachel, this is my day of doing nothing. You're ruining it for me.
Rachel: Look at that, the missile is free. Maybe if I just caress it a little bit its owner will want to play with me too.
Ross: I, I, come on Rach, please stop.
Rachel (taking Ross' hand and putting it between her legs): The silo is all warm and wet. Can't you feel it? Go ahead go inside the silo with your finger. See it's all ready for you.
Ross: Rachel! You're ruining my day of doing nothing!
Rachel: Making love to your wife is exempt.
Ross: Says who?
Rachel: Says me.
Ross: If I do this will you let me get back to my day of nothing?
Rachel: Of course sweetie. (lowers herself onto Ross) Oh yeah, I think you've hit the jackpot.
Ross: Are we protected?
Rachel: I'm already pregnant you idiot.
Ross: Right, I guess it doesn't matter.
Rachel: Harder.
Ross: Like this?
Rachel: Faster.
Ross: No, let's make this last.
(Ross and Rachel start kissing and continue to make love as Monica and Michael enter)
Monica: Hey guys. (sees what Ross and Rachel are doing) Oh my God! I'll come back later!
(Monica and Michael leave)
Ross: We really need to remember to lock the door when we decide to do this.
Rachel: Worry about that later, I'm getting close. Yeah, that's a good rhythm.
Ross: Move to the side a little.
Rachel: Like this?
Ross: Yeah. Now we're rocking.
(they continue to go at it for another three minutes)
Ross: I don't know how much longer I can hold out!
Rachel: Just, just keep pushing, don't stop, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, THERE! (Rachel collapses on top of Ross)
Ross: Oh my God!
Rachel: And the family room has been christened.
Ross: Well that was certainly a worthwhile break from my day of doing nothing.
Rachel: I love you.
Ross: I love you too. Now get off of me and let me get back to doing nothing.
Rachel: Are you sure? Caitlin's got at least another hour on her nap.
Ross: Last one to the bedroom gets the bottom.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe, Jenna and Jenna Jr. are present)
Jenna: I've gotta go home Phoebe. Jet needs a nap.
Phoebe: Ok. Just don't talk to Joey until he apologizes to you.
Jenna: I'll try.
(Jenna and Jenna Jr. leave)
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Chandler is sleeping the bedroom as Jenna and Jenna Jr. enter)
Jenna: Joey? (pause) Good, he's not here. (to Jenna Jr.) It's naptime for you honey. (Jenna puts Jenna Jr. down in her room for her nap. She enters her bedroom, unaware that Chandler is sleeping on the bed) I need to lie down. (Jenna lies down next to Chandler and then realizes someone is next to her. She looks over and sees that it's Chandler) Chandler!
Chandler: I'm up! I'm up!
Jenna: What are you doing sleeping in my bed?
Chandler: Joey said I could take a nap here.
Jenna: Where'd Joey go?
Chandler: I don't know, I've been sleeping.
Jenna: Not to be rude, but could you go sleep on the couch or something?
Chandler: Actually, I better get home.
Jenna: Did you talk to Joey?
Chandler: Yeah.
Jenna: What he'd say?
Chandler: It'd be best if you heard it from him.
Jenna: Oh.
Chandler: I think you'll be happy in the end. I'll see you later. Oh, and don't tell Monica that you and I were in bed together. She'd kill me.
Jenna: We were in bed together for like ten seconds.
Chandler: That's long enough for her.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica and Michael are present. Michael is down for his nap)
Monica (talking to herself): Give him the day off, let him be free. Did they stop to think the agony that it would cause me? No! Oh my God, I'm totally losing it. I'm carrying on a conversation with myself. I should be in a mental institution.
(Chandler enters)
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Hi.
Chandler: My God, did you clean every nook of this place?
Monica: Maybe.
Chandler: What's going on?
Monica: There's nothing going on.
Chandler: Monica, I know you better than anyone else. Something is going on with you now tell me what it is.
Monica: I can't.
Chandler: Yes you can. There's nothing that you could tell me that could hurt me, unless of course it's that your sleeping with someone else.
Monica (quickly): I have this need to control everything you do.
Chandler: Is that with this is all about? You giving me the day off from doing chores and stuff to prove to yourself that you're not controlling?
Monica: Maybe.
Chandler: Did you ever think to ask me how I feel about your behavior?
Monica: No.
Chandler: It's part of who you are and I accept that. Do I get frustrated with you about it sometimes, sure, but most of the time I just tune you out.
Monica: You tune me out?
Chandler: When you get out of control, I just tune you out. I only make it seem like I'm listening to you.
Monica: How do you do that?
Chandler: I can't pinpoint one specific time but it happens occasionally. You know what, this morning was a perfect example of me tuning you out. You woke me up and told me what you wanted done and went over to Ross and Rachel's. Me going back to bed was me tuning you out because I felt that you were pushing me around a little too much so I purposely went back to bed.
Monica: Even though you knew I'd be upset when I found out you went back to bed?
Chandler: Yup. It's my way of dealing with your high standards. I sometimes rebel against them. Not to hurt you, just to remind myself of why I love you. Despite your need to control me or your need to control others, I love you for who you are. There are a lot more qualities about you that counteract your need to control. You're a warm, passionate woman who's a great mother, businesswoman and you make me happy. That's all that matters to me.
Monica: Wow, I don't know what to say. Why haven't you said anything about this before?
Chandler: I guess I felt that saying something about it would make you feel like you had to change who you are and if you did that, then you wouldn't be the person I fell in love with.
Monica: That's so sweet. Come here. (Monica gives Chandler a hug) You're not gonna believe what happened when I went over to Ross and Rachel's.
Chandler: What?
Monica: They were right in the middle of having sex on the couch when Michael and I entered.
Chandler: Did they stop to say hello?
Monica: Are you kidding me? We hightailed it right out of there.
Chandler: Who was on top?
Monica: Rachel and it looked like she was having a pretty good time.
Chandler: Where's Michael?
Monica: He's napping.
Chandler: Huh.
Monica: What?
Chandler: I still get to do whatever I want right?
Monica: I guess.
Chandler: Take off your clothes.
Monica: Excuse me?
Chandler: Well we can't have sex if you keep your clothes on.
Monica: But I'm not in the mood.
Chandler: Oh, I'll get you in the mood.
Monica (walking towards the bedroom): Ok, but this better be good.
Chandler: Where are you going?
Monica: To the bed.
Chandler: Nah huh. We're doing it on the couch.
Monica: At least let me lock the door.
Chandler: Ok.
(Monica locks the door and joins Chandler on the couch)
Monica: I've never seen you this aggressive before.
Chandler: Well it's not every day that I get to do what I want. (Chandler rips Monica's blouse open)
Monica: Hey that was an expensive blouse!
Chandler: I'll buy you a new one. God, I've always wanted to do that to you.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Jenna and Jenna Jr. are present as Joey enters. Jenna is folding laundry.)
Joey: Hey. (Jenna ignores Joey) So now you're not talking to me? (Jenna nods her head yes) Look, about before, I'm sorry that I said it was your fault that you got pregnant with Jet. I was partially responsible as well.
Jenna: I believe when I asked you if you thought it was my fault you eloquently said, "well it's your uterus, so yeah".
Joey: Yeah that was pretty stupid on my part.
Jenna: Do you even understand why I mad at you?
Joey: Yes.
Jenna: Why am I mad at you?
Joey: Because I said that it was your fault that you got pregnant before we got married.
Jenna: I'm also mad that you implied that I went off my birth control before I got pregnant with Jet.
Joey: Yeah, I forgot about that part.
Jenna: Do you honestly think that I'd just decide on my own to stop taking my birth control pills without telling you?
Joey: No.
Jenna: Then why in the hell did you actually think I did right before Jet was conceived?
Joey: Because I didn't know that birth control pills weren't 100% effective.
Jenna (laughing): Are you serious?
Joey: Yes I'm serious and stop laughing at me.
Jenna: Didn't you ever take sex education in school?
Joey: At the time I started having sex it really wasn't taught.
Jenna: What?
Joey: They didn't start teaching that stuff until like the 7th grade, I was 11 when I lost my virginity. Hell, I could've been teaching the class 'cause the instructor knew squat.
Jenna: You're amazing.
Joey: Thank you.
Jenna: Well your little comment this morning ruined a perfectly good day.
Joey: I know that too.
Jenna: We could have had sex over twenty times by now if you hadn't shot your mouth off.
Joey: Why are you so horny?
Jenna: You're not the only one with a strong sex drive honey. It's a good thing Chandler was sleeping in our bed when I came home from my walk or I might not have made it through the day.
Joey: Chandler, you slept with Chandler?
Jenna: For about ten seconds. Then I realized he was in bed with me and I kicked him out.
Joey: Jeez, for a minute there I thought you actually slept with Chandler.
Jenna: Well if you don't take me into the bedroom in the next three minutes I'm gonna go find someone who will.
Joey: How long has Jet been down?
Jenna: We've got about twenty minutes.
Joey: Then prepare for the wildest twenty minutes of your life.
(Joey chases Jenna into their bedroom)
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Chandler and Michael are present. Monica is playing with Michael while Chandler watches TV)
Monica (to Michael): Ok, Mommy's gonna go cuddle with Daddy.
(Monica joins Chandler on the couch)
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: I think I pulled a groin muscle.
Chandler: I was wondering about that. I've never seen your legs go that far apart before.
Monica: You know what?
Chandler: What?
Monica: This has been the best Saturday we've had in a long time.
Chandler: It really has. (looking over at Michael) Do you think he has any clue what we did on this couch while he was taking his nap?
Monica: Nah, he didn't make a sound.
Chandler: It would've been kind of hard to hear him given the fact that you were screaming "give it to me" at the top of your lungs.
Monica: Oh. (pause) Well give it to me can be understood in many different contexts.
Chandler: The child is two.
Monica: Then the child just thinks a really loud movie was playing in family room while he was taking a nap.
Chandler: I see your point. By the way, where is the video camera?
ROSS & RACHEL'S FLAT (Ross, Rachel, Caitlin and Phoebe are present)
Phoebe: And he's been just lying there on the couch all day?
Rachel: He did get up to go potty.
Phoebe: And you're letting him do this?
Rachel: Yeah. You know why, because Sunday is Rachel's day off. Everything that I didn't do today, he gets to do tomorrow.
Phoebe: So what did you do today?
Rachel: Just the laundry. He's got everything else for tomorrow. Ross?
Ross: Yeah?
Rachel: Phoebe, Caitlin and I are leaving for dinner. Are you sure you don't want to come?
Ross: That would involve doing something and today is a day of doing nothing, so no.
Rachel: Ok. See you later.
Phoebe: Bye you sack of potatoes.
Ross: See you Pheebs. This is the life, the couch, the remote, (looking around the apartment) and dreading tomorrow. God damn it Rachel, you didn't clean a God damn thing today!
CLOSING CREDITS
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey, Jenna and Jenna Jr. are present. Jenna Jr. is down for the night. Joey and Jenna are in bed)
Joey: Your Dad called while you were in the shower.
Jenna: What'd he want?
Joey: He just called to say hello.
Jenna: Did you talk to him?
Joey: Yeah. I told him about our day.
Jenna: You, you told him about our fight?
Joey: Yeah. He was totally cool with it. He even told me about one of the fights he had with your mother.
Jenna: Oh.
Joey: But I think he got a little upset when I explained to him why you were in the shower.
Jenna: Oh my God, what did you say?
Joey: I just said the truth.
Jenna: What did you tell my father?
Joey: I said that Jenna decided to take a shower because she felt all sweaty from all the sex that we had been having for the last three hours.
Jenna: You, you said that to my father?
Joey: Yeah. Next thing I know he said he had to go so I said goodbye. He sure seemed in a hurry to get off the phone.