THE ONE WITH THE C-SECTION
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
ROSS & RACHEL'S FLAT (Ross, Rachel and Caitlin are present. It's first thing in the morning. Ross and Rachel are still in bed)
Rachel: I think today's the day.
Ross: For what?
Rachel: What do you mean for what? I think today's the day I'll go into labor.
Ross: You're not due for another week. Don't you think you're jumping the gun a little bit?
Rachel: No, I really think today is the day. I just feel different.
Ross: Well given the amount of gas you passed last night I would understand why you feel that way.
Rachel: I did not pass a lot of gas last night.
Ross: But I think you did. I slept half the night on the couch just so I could breathe fresh air.
Rachel: You did?
Ross: Yes.
Rachel: No wonder why I had such a nice sleep last night, I had the bed all to myself.
Ross: Even if I sleep in the bed Rachel you take up three-fourths of it anyway.
Rachel: Well excuse me for carrying our unborn child. I happen to need a little more room to feel comfortable.
Ross: I understand that sweetie, I'm not complaining about it.
Rachel: Oh.
Ross: I'm going to go check on Caitlin. Do you need anything?
Rachel: No, I'm fine but thank you for offering.
Ross: Ok. I'll be right back. (Ross gets out of bed and goes to leave the bedroom)
Rachel: Ross?
Ross: Yeah?
Rachel: Make sure you get Caitlin dressed quickly.
Ross: Huh? Are we going somewhere this morning?
Rachel: To the hospital. My water just broke.
OPENING CREDITS
ROSS & RACHEL'S FLAT (Ross, Rachel and Caitlin are present. Continued from earlier)
Rachel: Ross!
Ross (entering the bedroom): Yeah?
Rachel: Could you move a little faster please. We really need to get to the hospital.
Ross: Phoebe's on her way over. She'll be here in five minutes and then we'll leave.
Rachel: Why do we have to wait for Phoebe?
Ross: Would you prefer that I leave Caitlin here by herself?
Rachel: Phoebe's gonna watch Caitlin?
Ross: Yes. I don't think a hospital is a good place for Caitlin to spend her day.
Rachel: Good thinking. Could you help me out of bed?
(Ross goes over to Rachel to help her out of bed)
Ross: Oh my God, look what you did to our bed.
Rachel: I'm sorry, was I supposed rush to the bathroom before my water broke?
Ross: Ah no.
Rachel: I need you to help me change.
Ross: Ok. What do you want to wear?
Rachel: We're going to the hospital Ross, does it really matter what I wear?
Ross: Are sweats ok with you?
Rachel: That would be fine. I need clean underwear too and also grab a bra out of the top drawer.
(Ross grabs the clothes Rachel needs and gives them to her)
Ross: Anything else?
Rachel: Yes, you have to help me put these on.
Ross: Oh. Ok, I can do that.
(Rachel removes her T-shirt, leaving her in her underwear)
Ross: Man your boobs have gotten big.
Rachel: Would you stop looking at my boobs and just give me my bra?
Ross: Sorry, here.
Rachel: You have to take my underwear off for me. I can't bend down to do it.
Ross: Are you sure?
Rachel: Yes I'm sure. What's the problem?
Ross: Well they're all wet and stuff.
Rachel: Well I'll tell you what, the next time you pee your pants, I'll change your underwear for you.
Ross: But I never pee my pants.
Rachel: Ok then, the next time you crap your pants, I'll change your underwear for you. You never know when we're going to Disneyland again.
Ross: You had to bring that up.
Rachel: I just need a clean pair of underwear dear.
Ross: Ok. (Ross removes Rachel's underwear) Did you just shave down here recently?
Rachel: I wanted to look presentable to Dr. Kaczmarek ok?
Ross: Good thinking. Ok, step into the underwear. (Rachel missteps) No, a little to the left, no, now back to the right a little. Ok stop! (Ross pulls up the underwear) There, your new underwear is on.
Rachel: You're an idiot.
Ross: What did I do now?
Rachel: You chose a g-string for underwear. Would you please get a regular pair of panties and put them on for me.
Ross: I'm sorry, you just said grab some underwear.
Rachel: Well I figured you'd be smart enough to know that I meant panties, not a g-string. Obviously I was wrong.
Ross: Are these ok?
Rachel: Yes.
Ross (removing the g-string): Ok, the g-string is history. Now step into the panties. (Rachel does so and Ross pulls up the panties) There, you're in panties now.
Rachel: Great. Now you have to put on my sweat bottoms.
Ross: Ok, sit down on the bed.
Rachel: Wouldn't it be easier if I was standing?
Ross: I don't want you to fall and hit your head.
Rachel (sitting down on the bed): Whatever.
Ross: Ok, here we go. (Ross pulls up the sweat bottoms to Rachel's thighs) Ok, you're gonna have to lift your butt for me Rach.
Rachel: This is why we should've done this standing up! I can't lift up my butt very easily Ross!
Ross: Ok, don't panic. Just stand up. (Rachel stands up with Ross' help) There, sweat bottoms are on. Do you need anything else for the hospital?
Rachel: No. I'm going to brush my teeth and then we're leaving.
Ross: We have to wait for Phoebe to get here.
(Phoebe enters the flat)
Phoebe: I'm here!
Ross: Ok, brush your teeth and we'll leave. (Ross goes out into the family room) Hey Phoebe, thank you for coming over.
Phoebe: I absolutely love babysitting.
Ross: Yeah, no trips this time.
Phoebe: Ok, take little steam out of my day why don't you.
Ross: I mean it Phoebe. No trips. I'll call you from the hospital after Rachel has given birth and you can bring Caitlin down.
Phoebe: Ok.
(Rachel emerges from the bedroom)
Rachel: Hey Phoebe.
Phoebe: How are you feeling?
Rachel: Like I'm about to explode.
Phoebe: I remember that feeling. Well the car's right outside parked in a loading zone. You better go before the police ticket my vehicle.
(Caitlin emerges from her room)
Caitlin: Mommy and Daddy bye-bye?
Ross: Yes Caitlin. Aunt Phoebe's going to watch you today.
Caitlin: Go on trip?
Phoebe: We'll go on a trip to see Mommy and Daddy a little later.
Caitlin: Ok.
Rachel: Let's go Ross. Bye Caitlin, be a good girl for Aunt Phoebe.
Caitlin: Bye-bye.
Ross: Thanks again Pheebs.
Phoebe: Would you just go before Rachel has the baby here.
Ross: You're right. Let's go Rach. (pause) Oh, one other thing Phoebe….
Phoebe: I know, no trips.
Ross: No, I was going to ask you to let Chandler and Monica and Joey and Jenna know. I'm taking Rachel to Bellevue.
Phoebe: I can do that. Now go. (Ross and Rachel leave) So where do you want to go today Caitlin?
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Chandler and Michael are present. They're getting ready to go to the Hospital to pick up the twins)
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: Yeah honey?
Monica: Why are you watching TV?
Chandler: I was waiting for you.
Monica: I've been ready to go for ten minutes.
Chandler: Why didn't you say anything?
Monica: I did, ten minutes ago.
Chandler: Oh. That's not a good thing is it?
Monica: Not really. Can we go?
Chandler: Yes dear.
(Phoebe and Caitlin enter the flat)
Phoebe: Hi!
Monica: Hey Pheebs. I'm sorry, but we're just heading to the Hospital to pick up Stephen and Peyton.
Phoebe: Well that's a good thing then. Rachel just went into labor.
Monica: She did?
Phoebe: Why else would Ross and Rachel ask me to babysit Caitlin?
Monica: Good point.
Chandler: So Rachel went into labor, what Hospital did Ross take her to?
Phoebe: Bellevue.
Chandler: Well I guess we'll be spending the day at Bellevue. You don't mind watching Michael for us do you?
Monica: I thought we were taking Michael with us?
Chandler: Do you want to watch Michael all day at the Hospital?
Monica: Would you mind Phoebe?
Phoebe: The more the merrier.
Monica: Thanks. Oh, one thing though, no trips.
Phoebe: Why would you even say that? Don't you think I learned my lesson from the last time I watched Michael?
Chandler: No.
Phoebe: Fine, no trips.
Monica: Ok, let's go Chandler. (to Michael) Aunt Phoebe's going to watch you today.
Michael: Trip?
Phoebe: No trip today Michael. We're just gonna play at Uncle Ross and Aunt Rachel's place.
Michael: Ok.
Chandler: Ok then, we're off.
(They all leave the flat and start walking down the hall. They reach the elevator)
Monica: Be a good boy for Aunt Phoebe.
Michael: Bye-bye.
Chandler: No trips Phoebe, I mean it.
Phoebe: I know, I know. Now just go. (Monica and Chandler get on the elevator) Ok Michael and Caitlin, let's go back to the flat and plan our trip for the day.
BELLEVUE HOSPITAL (Ross and Rachel are present and are awaiting Dr. Kaczmarek's arrival)
Ross: How are you doing Rach?
Rachel: I'm ok. The contractions are still far apart. Did you call my Mom?
Ross: Yes. And she gave me a five-minute lecture on how to choose a name for a baby.
Rachel: I'm really getting mileage out of that little joke.
Ross: Yeah, but your Mother still thinks I was seriously going to name our child either Raymond or Judith.
Rachel: You should know by now not to mess with me.
Ross: This is true.
Rachel: Did you call your parents?
Ross: Yeah but they weren't home. God knows where they are. I just left them a message and gave them my cell phone number.
(Dr. Kaczmarek enters)
Dr. Kaczmarek: Hello, how are we doing today?
Rachel: Pretty good. I'm really looking forward to a long and hard labor.
Dr. Kaczmarek: Sarcasm. I like that in a patient. Ok, time for a quick exam.
(Dr. Kaczmarek starts her exam of Rachel)
Ross: How are things looking?
Dr. Kaczmarek: Well I have good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Rachel: No bad news, only good news.
Dr. Kaczmarek: Well the good news is that your at five centimeters. The bad news is that the baby isn't in the proper position.
Ross: Proper position? What does that mean?
Dr. Kaczmarek: It means that the baby's feet are down and not the head. The baby is in a breach position.
Rachel: So just deliver the baby feet first.
Dr. Kaczmarek: I can't do that Rachel.
Ross: So what are our options?
Dr. Kaczmarek: Well there is still time to try to turn the baby into the proper position. If that fails, a C-section will be in order.
Rachel: But I don't want a C-section.
Dr. Kaczmarek: Then we're going to have to work really hard to get the baby in the proper position for delivery. I'm going to get my nurses and get them started on trying to move the baby into the proper position. I'll be back in a few minutes.
(Dr. Kaczmarek leaves)
Rachel: Ross, do something!
Ross: What am I supposed to do Rach? I'm not a Doctor.
Rachel: I don't want a C-section.
Ross: I realize that honey but we may not have a choice.
Rachel: No C-section.
Ross: Why are you so against a C-section? It's a simple procedure.
Rachel: Because I'll never be able to wear a bikini again!
Ross: What?
Rachel: I'll have a scar. I don't want a scar. You can't wear a bikini if you have a scar.
Ross: But you can't deliver a child feet first. If they can't get the baby into the proper position we don't have a choice, a C-section is our only option.
Rachel: Oh what the hell do you know! You're not even a Doctor!
ROSS & RACHEL'S FLAT (Phoebe, Caitlin and Michael are present. Caitlin and Michael are playing in Caitlin's room. Phoebe's on the phone)
Phoebe: Joey? (pause) It's Phoebe. (pause) No, I'm at Ross and Rachel's. Rachel went into labor this morning. (pause) No, it means that's she's having her baby today. (pause) Monica and Chandler already went to the Hospital. I'm watching Michael for them along with Caitlin. (pause) But I'm already watching Caitlin and Michael. (pause) That's not fair. (pause) Fine, bring Jet over, I'll watch her for you. (pause) I know, no trips. (pause) Ok, I'll see you in ten minutes.
BELLEVUE HOSPITAL (Ross and Rachel are present as well as two nurses who are trying to work with Rachel)
Rachel: I still don't understand how this is going to get the baby in the proper position. All you're doing is massaging my belly.
Nurse #1: By massaging your belly we hope that the baby shifts into the proper position.
Rachel: I still don't see how it's going to work.
Ross: Rach, just let the nurses do their work.
Rachel: This is all your fault but you already know that.
Ross: How is it my fault?
Rachel: You got me pregnant.
Ross: Oh I see, you didn't want to get pregnant. You didn't tell me that you wanted to have another child.
Rachel: It's still your fault.
Ross: Whatever, like I could control the baby's positioning when it came time to give birth.
Rachel: All I'm saying is that if I have to have a C-section I'm holding you personally responsible.
Ross (to the nurse): Please keep on trying.
Nurse #2: We're doing the best we can.
(Monica and Chandler enter)
Monica: Is it ok if we come in?
Ross: Sure, but I have to warn you, Rachel might try to blame something on you guys too.
Chandler: What's the matter?
Ross: The baby isn't in the proper birthing position. It's feet first instead of head first.
Rachel: And it's all Ross' fault.
Monica: Uh, why is it his fault Rachel?
Rachel: Because he's the one who impregnated me.
Monica: That sounds logical to me. So what happens if they don't get the baby into the proper birthing position?
Rachel: I have to have a C-section.
Chandler: What's so terrible about that?
Rachel: It means that I'll never be able to wear a bikini again because I'll have a visible scar.
Chandler: So?
Rachel (snappish): What do you mean so?
Chandler: Um, nothing.
Ross: I'm going for a walk Rachel. I'll be right back.
Rachel: That's a good idea, you've done enough damage today already.
Ross: I love you too sweetie.
(Ross and Chandler leave)
Monica: You know Rach, a C-section isn't all that bad. The scar is hardly visible.
Rachel: Well I'm not having one so I don't have to worry about it.
Nurse #1: I'm going to get Dr. Kaczmarek to see if we've been successful.
Rachel: It's not if, it's that you've been successful.
Nurse #2: We're trying extremely hard Mrs. Geller. We'll be right back.
(The nurses leave)
Monica: So what do you think you're having Rach? A boy or a girl?
Rachel: My money's on a boy.
Monica: Good that makes the two of us.
Rachel: Wait, you've started a pool?
Monica: Ah, yeah. The odds are 3-1 for a girl and 5-1 for a boy.
Rachel: Who's the bookie?
Monica: Phoebe.
Rachel: What is she betting on?
Monica: A girl. Chandler, Joey, and Jenna too.
Rachel: Well put me in for $20 for a boy.
Monica: I'll call Phoebe right now.
(Cut to Chandler and Ross in the hall)
Ross: Of all the things to happen the baby had to be in the wrong position.
Chandler: And they can't deliver the baby feet first?
Ross: Apparently not.
Chandler: Why not?
Ross: Do I look like a Doctor?
Chandler: Right. Ah, we have a pool going, do you want in?
Ross: A pool for what?
Chandler: If the baby is a girl or a boy.
Ross: Interesting. What are the odds?
Chandler: 3-1 if it's a girl, 5-1 if it's a boy.
Ross: It's a girl.
Chandler: How do you know?
Ross: It's just a hunch. Put me in for $20. I take it this was Phoebe's idea.
Chandler: Of course.
(Joey and Jenna approach)
Joey: There you guys are. We've been looking everywhere for you.
Jenna: No we haven't, we just got here.
Chandler: Where's Jet?
Jenna: We left her with Phoebe.
Chandler: Oh. We left Michael with Phoebe too.
Ross: You both left your children with Phoebe? Phoebe's babysitting all the kids?
Chandler: Yeah. What's the big deal?
Ross: It's Phoebe. She's unpredictable, anything could happen.
Joey: Well we specifically told Phoebe no trips this time.
Chandler: As did Monica and I.
Ross: Well Rachel and I told her the same thing but she never listens to us anyway.
Joey: Well she listens to me and if I say no trips, I mean no trips.
CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe, Caitlin, Michael and Jenna Jr. are present)
Phoebe: Isn't this better than sitting in the flat all day? (pause) Ok, I'm talking to myself but it's still better. Ok, you guys stay seated. I'm going to go get a cup of coffee and juices for you guys. I'll be right back. (Phoebe goes to the counter)
Gunther: Are you supposed to have those kids here?
Phoebe: Of course, their parents trust me. I need a cup of coffee and three orange juices.
Gunther: You're not supposed to have them here are you?
Phoebe: Would you just get my order please?
Gunther: Fine. (a minute passes) Here you go. That'll be $7.50.
Phoebe: $7.50?
Gunther: Yes.
Phoebe: This place is a rip off.
Gunther: Then why are you always here?
Phoebe: Because I can afford it. Thank you Gunther. (Phoebe goes back to the couch. Caitlin and Jenna Jr. are still sitting there. Michael however isn't.) Caitlin, where did Michael go?
Caitlin: I don't know.
Phoebe: Did he go outside?
Caitlin: I don't know.
Phoebe: Did he go to the bathroom?
Caitlin: I don't know.
Phoebe: Can you help me out at all?
Caitlin: I don't know.
Phoebe: Ok, here are your juices. You sit here and drink your juice while I go look for Michael.
(Phoebe's cell phone goes off. She answers it) Hello? (pause) Hi Monica. (pause) No, I'm at the flat like I said I would be. (pause) I must not have heard the phone, it's a madhouse here. (pause) Ok, I can do that. Anything else? (pause) You want to speak to Michael? (pause) Ah, that's not possible right now. (pause) Because he's, he's in the bathroom. (Gunther approaches Phoebe with Michael in tow)
Gunther: Here's your missing child Phoebe.
Phoebe: Thanks. (Phoebe returns to the couch where Caitlin and Jenna Jr. are still sitting) No, that wasn't Gunther Monica. You must be hearing things. (pause) Now why would I take the children to Central Perk when you specifically asked me not to take them anywhere? (pause) Well that's all in the past, I'm actually obeying your request this time. (pause) I'm serious, we're just playing here in the flat. (pause) Ok, let me know when the baby has been born so I can bring the kids down to the Hospital. Bye. (Phoebe hangs up) Whew, that was close. Michael, don't go running off again.
Michael: I didn't run off.
Phoebe: Yes you did. I asked you to sit here on the couch and you got up and went for a stroll around the coffeehouse. (Phoebe's cell phone goes off again so she answers it) Hello? (pause) Monica! (pause) I must not have heard the phone again. (long pause) Ok, we're leaving for the flat now. (pause) Well I'm sorry but it's not my fault that I can't obey orders. It's the rebel inside of me that makes me do these things. (pause) Ok, ok, calm down. We're leaving now. (Phoebe hangs up - to the kids) The trip is over guys. Time to go back to the flat. Aunt Phoebe's in big trouble.
BELLEVUE HOSPITAL (Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Joey and Jenna are in Rachel's room)
Monica: I can't believe her. We specifically asked her not to take Michael anywhere but she takes them to Central Perk anyway.
Joey: She took Jet to Central Perk?
Monica: Yes.
Joey: I'm gonna kill her.
Jenna: Come on Joe, you knew damn well that Phoebe was going to take Jet somewhere even though we asked her not to.
Joey: I'm still gonna kill her.
Rachel: Ow!
Ross: You ok there Rachel?
Rachel: Do I sound like I'm ok?
Ross: How far apart are the contractions now?
Rachel: How the hell should I know! You're the one who's supposed to be keeping track!
Ross: You're right, I'm sorry for not paying attention. It won't happen again.
Rachel: Yeah right that's what you said after the underwear fiasco this morning.
Joey: Underwear fiasco?
Ross: Later Joey.
Rachel: Get this Joey, I ask Ross to help me get dressed. So it comes time to put on my underwear and he picks out a g-string for me. How idiotic is that?
Joey: What's the matter with a g-string? I love g-strings.
Ross: Like I said Joe, we'll talk about it later.
(Dr. Kaczmarek enters)
Dr. Kaczmarek: Looks like we've got a full house here. If I could ask everyone but Ross to wait in the hall for a moment, I'd really appreciate it.
Monica: We'll be right outside Rach.
Joey (to Jenna): Seriously, what's the matter with wearing a g-string?
(Monica, Chandler, Jenna and Joey leave)
Dr. Kaczmarek (examining Rachel): Ok, I have some news.
Rachel: The baby has turned?
Dr. Kaczmarek: No, the baby hasn't turned but the good news is that you're ready for delivery.
Rachel: Great, just yank that baby out feet first.
Ross: Dr. Kaczmarek already told us that she can't do that Rachel.
Rachel: Are you the Doctor?
Ross: No.
Rachel: Then be quiet.
Dr. Kaczmarek: Rachel, I know that you do not want to have a C-section but at this time it's our only option. Delivering the baby feet first is extremely dangerous and that's why you have to have a C-section. The procedure is quite simple and leaves only a small scar. In fact, the scar is so small it's hardly noticeable.
Rachel: Isn't there anything else we can do?
Dr. Kaczmarek: I'm sorry Rachel but the answer is no. We must take you upstairs and deliver the baby now.
Rachel: Ok. I understand. If that's the way it has to be, then it has to be.
Dr. Kaczmarek (to Ross): You're more than welcome to watch the procedure.
Ross: Is that ok with you Rachel?
Rachel: Of course it's ok.
Ross: Ok, I'll watch.
Dr. Kaczmarek: Ok, let's get you upstairs. I'll be right back with a stretcher.
(Dr. Kaczmarek leaves)
Ross: Everything's going to be fine Rach.
Rachel: I know. I'm sorry I've been such a bitch to you today.
Ross: It's ok, it's a stressful time.
(Monica, Chandler, Joey and Jenna re-enter)
Monica: So what's the news?
Ross: Rachel's going to have a C-section. Dr. Kaczmarek just went to get a stretcher and then they're going to take Rachel upstairs to deliver the baby.
Chandler: Do you get to watch?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Can we go too?
Ross: There'd be too many people in the room Joe.
(Dr. Kaczmarek and two nurses enter the room with a stretcher)
Dr. Kaczmarek: Heads up.
(Monica, Chandler, Joey and Jenna back away from Rachel's bed)
Nurse #1: Ok Mrs. Geller, we need you to just slide onto the stretcher. (Rachel does so) Ok, we're ready to go.
(The nurses start to wheel Rachel out of the room)
Monica: Good luck Rachel.
Chandler: Ross, let us know if it's a boy or a girl as soon as you can.
Ross: Ok.
(Dr. Kaczmarek, Ross, Rachel and the nurses leave the room)
Jenna: I wish I could be in the room for the procedure. I hear they actually move organs around so they can get the baby out.
Chandler: Then we should start a new pool.
Monica: Huh?
Chandler: A pool to see if Ross faints or not. I've got $20 saying that he faints.
Joey: $20 he faints.
Jenna: $20 he doesn't.
Monica: Ok, $20 he doesn't.
ROSS & RACHEL'S FLAT (Phoebe, Caitlin, Michael and Jenna Jr. are present. Phoebe has successfully put them all down for naps)
Phoebe: Those kids are nonstop. Thank God they have to take naps during the day. (the phone rings) Hello? (pause) Hey Monica. (pause) They're sleeping why? (pause) Really, a C-section? (pause) Yeah, when they wake up from their naps I'll bring them down. (pause) About twenty minutes ago. (pause) Ok, I'll see you in about an hour.
BELLEVUE HOSPITAL (Ross, Rachel, Dr. Kaczmarek and her team of nurses are present. Dr. Kaczmarek is preparing to deliver Rachel's baby)
Ross: Ah, shouldn't my wife be asleep?
Dr. Kaczmarek: No, she can be awake. I've given her a local anesthetic so she won't feel a thing.
Ross: Oh.
Dr. Kaczmarek: Ok Rachel, I'm going to make an incision on your belly now.
Rachel: Ok.
Dr. Kaczmarek: You can come closer Ross if you like.
Ross: I can see just fine from here.
(Dr. Kaczmarek makes the incision and starts to move Rachel's internal organs to gain access to her uterus.)
Dr. Kaczmarek: Could I get a little suction here please? (A nurse does so. Blood starts moving through the tubing. The camera cuts to Ross' face, he's grown pale. A few minutes pass and Ross is fixated on the blood passing through the suction tube) Come a little closer Ross, I'm about to extract your child.
Ross: I'm, I'm, I'm feeling a little…..(Ross faints to the floor)
Dr. Kaczmarek: Could one of you attend to Mr. Geller please? (A nurse goes over to Ross and tries to awaken him)
Nurse: He's out cold.
Dr. Kaczmarek: Then get some smelling salts, he can't lie on that floor all day. (Dr. Kaczmarek goes back to her work. After a few moments, the baby is extracted from Rachel) Surgical scissors please. (A nurse hands them to her) Thank you. Towel please. (A nurse hands her a towel. The baby starts to cry) Congratulations Rachel, you have a baby girl. (hands the nurse the baby)
Rachel: A girl?
Dr. Kaczmarek: Yes, a girl.
Rachel: Damn.
Dr. Kaczmarek: Excuse me?
Rachel: I just lost $20. I thought we were having a boy.
Dr. Kaczmarek: Oh. Ok, I'm going to suture your belly and then we can take you to the recovery room.
Nurse (waving the salts in front of Ross' nose): Mr. Geller? Mr. Geller wake up.
Ross: What happened?
Nurse: You fainted.
Ross: Are you sure?
Nurse: I'm positive.
Ross: Did I miss anything?
Nurse: You have a baby girl.
Ross: Yes!
Dr. Kaczmarek (to Rachel): It's obvious your husband placed his bet on you having a girl.
BELLEVUE HOSPITAL (Rachel's recovery room. Ross and Rachel are present)
Ross: How do you feel?
Rachel: I feel fine right now but then again, the local anesthetic hasn't worn off yet.
(A nurse enters with Ross and Rachel's baby)
Nurse: Here's your baby girl Mrs. Geller.
Rachel (taking the baby from the nurse): Thanks. (to the baby) Well hello there little Keeley. What were you doing trying to come into the world feet first?
Ross: She's so tiny.
Rachel: Kind of like your penis.
Ross: And she's definitely feeling fine.
(Monica pokes her head into the room)
Monica: Can we come in?
Rachel: Sure.
(Monica, Chandler, Joey, Jenna, Phoebe and the kids enter the room)
Chandler: Ok, I have just one question.
Ross: We had a girl.
Chandler: Ok, I had two questions. Did you faint during the C-section?
Ross: No, I was awake the entire time.
Rachel: He fainted. He fell to the floor half way through the procedure.
Chandler/Joey: Yes!
Jenna/Monica: Crap!
Ross: Wait a minute, you placed bets on whether or not I'd faint?
Chandler: Well we had to do something while we were waiting.
Phoebe: Well it looks like Rachel and Monica are out in the cold on the bets. They both picked Rachel having a boy.
Joey: What's the baby's name?
Rachel: Keeley.
Joey: Is that a real name or did you just make it up?
Ross: It's a real name Joe. I came up with it myself.
Joey: Then it definitely isn't real.
Caitlin (to Monica): Mommy?
Monica: You want to see your Mommy?
Caitlin: Yes please.
Monica: You can go over to Mommy. Don't be afraid. Rachel, Caitlin wants to see you.
(Caitlin walks over to Rachel's bed)
Rachel: Hi sweetie.
Caitlin: Baby here now?
Rachel: Yes honey. This is your little sister Keeley.
Ross: Come here Caitlin. Daddy will lift you up so you can see your sister. (Ross picks Caitlin up)
Caitlin: Baby?
Ross: Yes that's your little sister.
Caitlin: Wow.
Ross: That's a good way to describe your little sister Caitlin. (to Phoebe) Thanks for watching Caitlin today.
Phoebe: Not a problem. It was fun.
Monica: Yeah, thanks Pheebs.
Jenna: Thanks for watching Jet too.
Phoebe: You're all very welcome.
Joey: Now about this little trip you took Phoebe.
Phoebe: I didn't take the kids on any trip Joey.
Joey: Yes you did! Monica told us!
Phoebe: Well you know how Monica tends to lie.
Monica: Me, lie? I don't think so.
Phoebe: Oh right, I'm the one who tends to stretch the truth a little bit.
Ross: Pheebs, Rachel has to spend the night here at the hospital. Could you watch Caitlin for us tonight?
Phoebe: I'd be happy to.
Ross: And….
Phoebe: I know, no trips.
Ross: No, I was just going to say thank you.
Phoebe: Then I guess it's off to the Hilton for tonight. (Ross just looks at Phoebe) You're really no fun anymore.
CLOSING CREDITS
BELLEVUE HOSPITAL (Rachel's room. Ross and Rachel are present)
Ross: Some day huh?
Rachel: I'm exhausted.
Ross: Me too.
Rachel: What do you mean me too? You didn't do anything.
Ross: Hey, I hit my head pretty hard on that operating floor.
Rachel: And hopefully it finally knocked some common sense into you.
Ross (laughing): Yeah, I think that would have to happen to me repeatedly for that to happen.
Rachel: You're probably right.
Ross: Rach?
Rachel: Yeah?
Ross: Thanks for bringing our little girl into the world.
Rachel: You're welcome. (pause) My job is done, you get to raise her.
Ross: Well I'll really try honey but I really think the baby's going to want to feed on your breast instead of mine.
Rachel: Damn lactating breasts. (pause) I love you Ross.
Ross: I love you too Rachel.