THE ONE WITH THE BUSINESS TRIPS
-PART I
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Chandler and Michael are present as Monica enters)
Chandler: Hey, did they fix the oven?
Monica: I don't wanna talk about it.
Chandler: Ok. Is Gretchen staying as your Assistant Head Chef?
Monica: I don't wanna talk about it.
Chandler: Well I'm all out. Your turn to ask the questions.
Monica: Goodnight.
Chandler: Just like that, you're going to bed. You won't even tell me what's bothering you?
Monica: You wanna know what's bothering me?
Chandler: Yes dear.
Monica: What's bothering me is that it cost me $2,500 to get my oven fixed and all the guy had to do was replace a simple valve in the oven. I paid $22.50 for the part and the rest for labor. I feel like I was placed up against a table and told to bend over and take it like a man. The only good news I got today was that yes, Gretchen wants to remain as my Assistant Head Chef.
Chandler: You mean the part was $22.50 and the rest of the money was for labor hours?
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: How long were they there?
Monica: I don't know, about four and a half, five hours.
Chandler: Oh.
Monica: What do you mean oh?
Chandler: Well sounds to me like they had to do more than change just a simple valve in the oven.
Monica: So they had to re-run the gas line to the oven, but still, $2,500?
Chandler: Well you can't do anything about it now. You might as well just let it go.
Monica: Yeah, I guess you're right.
Chandler: So how did it feel to be bent over a table and told to take like a man?
Monica: You make another crack like that and I'll reach up your butt and pull your large intestine out.
Chandler: So I suppose this is a bad time to tell you that I'm leaving in the morning for three days to go to Los Angeles for an advertising conference?
OPENING CREDITS
ROSS & RACHEL'S FLAT (Ross, Rachel and Caitlin are present)
Ross: Thanks for the notice.
Rachel: How was I supposed to give you notice when I wasn't even given notice myself?
Ross: How long are you gonna be gone?
Rachel: Three days.
Ross: Three days!
Rachel: I didn't stutter Ross. I'm sorry but there's nothing I can do about it.
Ross: You're not even supposed to fly.
Rachel: What?
Ross: You're pregnant. You're not supposed to fly.
Rachel: You're not supposed to fly in your third trimester, I'm still in my second.
Ross: Well lie.
Rachel: Look, I'm sorry I have to go, but this is my job. I'll be home Thursday night. I'll call you from the hotel to give you my number and to check in.
Ross: Fine whatever.
Rachel: Don't do this, it's totally unfair of you to give me a guilt trip. You know I don't like to travel.
Ross: Have a safe trip and call me when you get a chance. I love you. Say goodbye to Mommy Caitlin.
Caitlin: Bye-bye.
Rachel (kissing Caitlin): Bye sweetie. You be a good girl for Daddy. I love you Ross.
Ross: Love you too. Have a safe trip. (Rachel leaves - to Caitlin) It looks like it's pizza and beer for the next three days sweetie.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey, Jenna and Jenna Jr. are present)
Joey: I still don't see why you have to go. You're not in advertising, you're an….what is it you do again?
Jenna: I'm an accountant. But I'm going on this trip because my boss is letting me go.
Joey: She wants you to babysit Chandler doesn't she?
Jenna: No, she just wants to make sure he actually goes to the conference.
Joey: Sounds like babysitting to me. And what am I supposed to do while you're gone?
Jenna: Do whatever you did before we got married.
Joey: So you're saying I can go out and pick up other hot women.
Jenna: Ok, you can do everything that you used to do but that.
Joey (whining): But that's all I ever did.
Jenna: You'll be fine. I'll call you when I get to LA.
Joey: I really don't think you should go. Jet looks like she's coming down with something.
Jenna: Well you're a big boy so you can handle that if it happens. I gotta go, I meeting Chandler in front of Central Perk in five minutes. Give me a kiss a goodbye.
Joey: No.
Jenna: Stop being a baby and kiss your wife goodbye.
Joey (kissing Jenna): You owe me.
Jenna: For what?
Joey: For leaving me alone with Jet for three days.
Jenna: Welcome to fatherhood Joe. I'll call you when I get to LA.
Joey: You'll probably get the message machine since I'll be out picking up hot chicks.
Jenna: I love you too. (Jenna leaves)
HILTON HOTEL - LOS ANGELES (Chandler and Jenna are checking in)
Chandler: I think I'm gonna stay in LA for an extra couple of days.
Jenna: You can't tell me she was that mad.
Chandler: Oh she acted like she was ok with it, but trust me, she was fuming inside.
Clerk: Welcome to the Hilton, how can I help you?
Chandler: I have a reservation under Bing, Chandler Bing.
Clerk: Yes, you're in room 812. Here's your key, you take the elevator on the left to the eighth floor and go left. You room is the third one down the hall on the left side.
Chandler: Thanks.
Clerk: And how can I help you Miss?
Jenna: I have a reservation under Tribbiani, Jenna Tribbiani.
Clerk: Could you give me a sec?
Jenna: Sure. (to Chandler) Well send Monica some flowers today to let her know that you're thinking about her that'll smooth things over.
Chandler: Yeah and I'll come home to find that she made potpourri out of them.
Jenna: She'll love them.
Clerk: I'm sorry Miss Tribbiani but there was a mistake.
Jenna: A mistake?
Clerk: Your room was double booked and is already being occupied.
Jenna: Well just give me another room then.
Clerk: I'm sorry, but the hotel is full.
Jenna: So I don't have a room is what you're telling me.
Clerk: I'm afraid so. I'm terribly sorry.
Chandler: Does my room have double beds?
Clerk: No sir, your room has a king sized bed.
Chandler: But you could bring another bed into my room.
Clerk: No that's not possible. There isn't enough room for another bed in the room.
Chandler (to Jenna): You can crash in my room. I'll sleep on the floor.
Jenna: I can just go to a Motel 6 or something.
Chandler: Don't be silly, I'll sleep on the floor and you'll sleep on the bed. Everything will be fine. I mean, it's not like anything's gonna happen, you're married to my best friend and I'm married to Monica.
Jenna: I don't know, it's weird.
Chandler: That's what makes it fun. Come on, upstairs we go.
WYNDHAM HOTEL - KANSAS CITY (Rachel is checking in)
Clerk: How can I help you Miss?
Rachel: Yes, I have a reservation under Geller, Rachel Geller.
Clerk: We've been expecting you Ms. Geller.
Rachel: You have?
Clerk: The bellboy will show you to your suite. Please call down to the front desk if you need anything at all. Kenneth, please take Ms. Geller's bags and show her to her suite.
Kenneth (going to take Rachel's bags): Allow me Ms. Geller.
Rachel: Really, I got them.
Kenneth: Please Miss, this is my job. I don't mind at all.
Rachel: Ok, if you insist.
Kenneth: Follow me.
(Cut to five minutes later. Kenneth has just opened the door to Rachel's suite)
Kenneth: Where shall I place your bags?
Rachel (who's overwhelmed by the room): Just throw them anywhere.
Kenneth: Will you be needing anything else?
Rachel: Ah no. Thank you for your assistance. (Rachel tips the bellboy)
Kenneth: Thank you. Enjoy your stay. (Kenneth leaves)
Rachel: We're supposed to be cutting expenses and I'm staying in this room? What is up with that? (The phone rings) Hello? (pause) Katie! How'd you know I was here already? (pause) Oh. (pause) Yes, it's a very nice room. It almost looks like an office, except for the bed of course. (pause) Run that by me again. (pause) You mean I'm letting these people go in this hotel room? (pause) Why can't I just go to the office here and let them go? (pause) Oh. (pause) No, I'm totally with the program. (pause) Ok, I'll call you when it's done. (Rachel hangs up the phone) This is going to be real interesting.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Caitlin, Joey, Jenna Jr., Monica and Michael are present)
Ross: This is too weird. All three of them traveling at the same time. We could start a single parent support group while they're gone.
Joey: I kind of like it. Now I can do all the things I used to do before I was married.
Monica: While towing your baby around?
Joey: Babies can go into strip clubs right?
Ross: Ah, no.
Joey: You know what, I don't like this one bit. The only reason Jenna went to LA was to babysit Chandler.
Monica: Jenna went to LA with Chandler?
Joey: Yeah. You didn't know that?
Monica: Let's just put that on the list of things he didn't tell me.
Joey: How could you not have known? Jenna's trip was planned a week in advance.
Monica: What!
Joey: Uh oh, I just got Chandler in even more trouble.
Ross: When did you find out Chandler was leaving for LA?
Monica: Last night when I got home from the restaurant.
Ross: Oh that's not good.
Monica: He's a dead man when he gets back.
(Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: Hey Pheebs.
Joey: Welcome to the singles club.
Phoebe: Huh?
Ross: Our significant others are out of town for three days.
Monica: Hopefully Chandler will decide to stay an extra couple of weeks.
Joey: Monica's not too happy with Chandler.
Phoebe: When is Monica ever happy with Chandler? (Monica shoots Phoebe a dirty look) I was just kidding. What happened?
Monica: Chandler didn't tell me he was leaving for LA for three days until late last night. He also didn't tell me that Jenna was accompanying him on the trip.
Phoebe: Wow, do you think Chandler and Jenna are having an affair? (Now Joey and Monica glare at Phoebe) This is a really bad time to be joking around.
Monica: Ross, I need a huge favor. Can you watch Michael tonight while I'm at work?
Ross: Sure.
Phoebe: Oh, I wanted to watch him.
Ross: Then you can come over to my place and watch him with me.
Phoebe: But I don't want to be bored while I'm doing it.
Ross: I am not boring!
Phoebe: Jeez, you guys are really sensitive today.
WYNDHAM HOTEL - KANSAS CITY (Rachel is preparing for her first appointment. There's a knock on the door so Rachel answers the door)
Rachel: Hello Susan, I'm Rachel Geller, please come on in.
Susan: This is quite the room you got here.
Rachel: Oh, I hadn't noticed. Please have a seat over there.
Susan: So what is this all about? Why are we meeting in your hotel room?
Rachel: The company is making some changes in its business plan. Part of those changes is eliminating under-performing stores. That is why you and I are here.
Susan: Ok, but what does the company’s plan have to do with me?
Rachel: To put it bluntly, the company has decided that you are not going to be with the company as we move forward. Your job is being eliminated.
Susan: You mean I'm fired?
Rachel: Fired is too strong of a word. You're being laid off.
Susan: That's the same thing as being fired!
Rachel: Now I know this comes as a huge shock to you but after reviewing the sales data from your district, the only option was to close your district down.
Susan: I want to appeal. This is absurd, I've been with this company for ten years.
Rachel: I'm sorry but the decision is final. Upon returning to the office you will be escorted by security to your office where you will pack up your belongings and vacate the premises.
Susan: Um, I don't think you heard me. I want to appeal this decision.
Rachel: Ok, go ahead and make your appeal.
Susan: Not to you, to someone in charge.
Rachel: I am the one in charge. I'm the Head of the Sales Division, if you'd like to make your appeal, you're free to do so.
Susan: You're, you're the Head of the Sales Division?
Rachel: Yes.
Susan: Oh. Then never mind good day Ms. Geller.
Rachel: Ah, before you leave, do you want to hear about your severance package?
Susan: I get a severance package?
Rachel: Yes.
Susan: What is it?
Rachel: Three months of full pay plus all accrued vacation time paid in cash.
Susan: Ok. Is that all?
Rachel: Yes.
Susan: Tell who's ever your boss that I said thanks for nothing.
Rachel: Will do. (Susan leaves) One down, ten to go.
ROSS & RACHEL'S FLAT (Ross and Caitlin are present)
Caitlin: Mommy home?
Ross: No sweetie, Mommy's not coming home tonight. It's just me and you.
Caitlin: Mommy home?
Ross: Mommy's away on business sweetie. She'll be home in a couple of days.
(Monica and Michael enter)
Monica: Hey. (to Michael) Go play with Caitlin.
Ross: Why can't you stop smiling?
Monica: Because I answered the door an hour ago to find two dozen roses waiting for me. They were from Chandler and all the card said was "I'm sorry".
Ross: He sure does know how to get himself out of trouble.
Monica: I wouldn't go that far but it's a start. I'll pick up Michael in the morning?
Ross: Yeah. He and Caitlin can have a sleepover.
Monica: Thanks for helping out.
Ross: That's what older brother's are for.
Monica: I'll see you in the morning. (Monica leaves)
Ross: Who wants some pizza?
Caitlin: Me.
Michael: Me.
(Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: Look kids, it's crazy Aunt Phoebe! (to Phoebe) I thought you said I'd bore you?
Phoebe: You will, but I just love hanging out with the little guys.
Ross: Do you want pizza?
Phoebe: No, I already ate.
(Joey and Jenna Jr. enter)
Ross: Hey Joe.
Joey: I hope it's ok I came over with Jet. I was running out of things to keep her occupied with at my place.
Ross: Not a problem. We're ordering pizza, you in?
Joey: You buying?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Then I'm in.
Phoebe: It's story time!
Ross: Don't tell them a story about you living on the streets again Phoebe.
Phoebe: Then what I am supposed to tell them?
Ross: A normal story.
Phoebe: But you know I'm not normal.
Ross: Then grab one of the books and read that to them.
Phoebe: Fine, I'll do it your way. (Phoebe sits down on the couch and Michael and Caitlin sit next to her) Joe, bring Jet to me. I'll hold her and read her the story too.
Joey: Fine by me.
Phoebe (reading): There once was a young little girl who lived on the streets of New York….
Ross: Phoebe!
(The phone rings - Joey answers)
Joey: Hello? (pause) Hey Rach. How's it going? (pause) Yeah, he's right here. (to Ross) It's your wife.
Ross: Yeah, the hey Rach gave that away. (on the phone) Hey honey, how's Kansas City? (pause) In a suite? (pause) You're firing people in a hotel suite? (pause) I don't know, it just seems a little odd. (pause) Caitlin's fine. Michael and Jet are here and Aunt Phoebe is reading them a story. (pause) Hold on a sec. (pause) Ok, go ahead. (pause) Ok, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Have fun firing people. (pause) Just trying to be supportive honey. (pause) Love you too.
Joey: Isn't that sweet? Your wife calling to check in on you.
Ross: You don't think Jenna's gonna try to call you?
Joey: Huh. You're right. And I'm not home and she's gonna get the answering machine and she's gonna think that I'm out chasing women like I used to before we got married.
Ross: Or she's just think you came over here for the evening because you were bored.
Joey: Yeah, but the chasing women thing is more believable.
HILTON HOTEL - LOS ANGELES (Chandler and Jenna are calling it a night)
Jenna: Aren't you going to change?
Chandler (who is lying on the floor with a pillow): Nah, this way I'll be ready to go in the morning.
Jenna: What, you have some embarrassing pajamas or something?
Chandler: They're not embarrassing, quite the contrary, they're very hip.
Jenna: Then get off your ass and change into them.
Chandler: But you're here.
Jenna: So?
Chandler: Well I can't get changed in front of you.
Jenna: That's why they invented bathrooms.
Chandler: Oh, you see I thought that place was just a depository, if you know what I mean.
Jenna: Just get changed. I'm gonna try to call Joey.
Chandler (from the bathroom): Ok.
Jenna (on the phone): Great, he's out and it's past the baby's bedtime. Hi honey it's me. I was just calling to check in and let you know I made it here safe. The hotel's number is (213) 555-6785, it's room 812. Don't be alarmed if Chandler answers, we're sharing a room because there was a mix-up at the hotel. Love you. Bye.
Chandler (emerging from the bathroom): Was he there?
Jenna: No, he must've gone to Central Perk or something. Nice pajamas.
Chandler: Pretty snazzy don't you think?
Jenna: So where did Monica find them?
Chandler: I have no idea.
Jenna: Ok, I'm going to go change now.
Chandler (looking at his watch): Monica's still at work. I'll just call and leave her a message. (Chandler picks up the phone and dials) Hey honey it's Chandler. Did you get the flowers? Anyway, I'm here in LA and I'm stuck sharing a room with Jenna. The hotel screwed up her reservation. Don't worry, I'm sleeping on the floor. I'll call you during the day tomorrow. Love you.
Jenna (coming out of the bathroom): Stuck sharing a room with Jenna? That makes me feel important.
Chandler: Well, you see, well I was just trying to let her know that we didn't arrange it this way. You sleep in sweats?
Jenna: Yeah, I get cold easily.
Chandler: That must break Joey's heart not being able to see the rest of you. (pause) Wait, I didn't say that.
Jenna (laughing): I didn't hear it then. Look, you don't have to sleep on the floor.
Chandler: Yes I do.
Jenna: This bed is large enough to hold four grown adults. I think we can safely sleep in the same bed and not touch each one another at all through the night.
Chandler: Monica would kill me if she found out I slept with you.
Jenna: You're not sleeping with me you idiot, you're sleeping next to me. There's a big difference. And for your information, you're not my type.
Chandler: You're not my type either then, so there. (pause) Ok, you're my type but for the sake of tonight, you're not my type.
Jenna: Are you done? I'm extremely tired.
Chandler: I'm gonna sleep on the floor.
Jenna: Fine, sleep on the floor. Goodnight. (Chandler turns off the lights and lies down on the floor. Five minutes passes by and he suddenly jumps up and turns the lights on) For Christ's sake, now what!
Chandler: I can't sleep on the floor. It's too hard.
Jenna: Then go to the other side of the bed and sleep there. Just shut the stupid lights off so I can get some sleep.
Chandler: You're really cranky when you're tired.
Jenna: The lights!
(Chandler turns of the lights and climbs into bed ensuring that he's as far from Jenna as possible)
ROSS & RACHEL'S FLAT (The next morning. Ross, Caitlin, Michael, Joey, Jenna Jr. and Phoebe are present. Joey and Phoebe are sleeping on the two couches. Ross enters the family room from his bedroom)
Ross (seeing Joey and Phoebe): I don't believe it, they never went home.
(Monica enters)
Monica: Hey, how'd it go?
Ross: Oh, Mikey….
Monica: Michael.
Ross: Michael had a great time. He had pizza, Aunt Phoebe read him stories, he watched Toy Story 2 and then had a sleepover with Caitlin and Jet.
Monica (seeing Phoebe and Joey): Don't tell me they got drunk.
Ross: No, when I went to bed they were arguing of the four Beatles who had the most successful solo career. Joey kept insisting that it was David Bowie.
Monica: But David Bowie wasn't even in the Beatles.
Ross: In Joey's world he was. Anyway, I told them to go home but they decided to crash on the couches.
Monica: Is Michael up?
Ross: None of the kids are up yet.
Monica: Get this, Chandler and Jenna are sharing a hotel room in LA. Apparently there was a mix up on Jenna's reservation so Chandler let Jenna stay with him.
Ross: And you're ok with that?
Monica: Yeah, why wouldn't I be? It's not like Jenna isn't married to one of Chandler's best friends and Chandler knows that if he ever cheated on me that I'd cut off his penis and feed it to him for dinner.
Ross: I see your point. (Someone starts to cry) The kids are now up. Joey! (no answer) Joey! (Phoebe wakes up) Joey! (Phoebe pushes Joey off the couch)
Joey (startled): What the hell did you do that for?
Ross: Jet is crying.
Joey: Oh, ok. (Joey gets up and goes into Caitlin's bedroom. A minute later he emerges with Jet and Michael and Caitlin) Uh, Monica, Ross, these two dropped some loads in their diapers. It stinks to high heaven in that bedroom.
Monica: Hey Michael, come see Mommy. (Michael walks over to Monica) Whoa, you do stink. What did Uncle Ross feed you?
Ross: Caitlin, come here to Daddy. (Caitlin walks over to Ross) Yeah, that's the last time you're getting pizza and ice cream on the same night.
Monica: I'm gonna change Michael at home. Thanks for watching him.
Ross: Don't thank me, thank Phoebe. She entertained the kids all night.
Monica: Thanks Pheebs.
Phoebe: That'll be $20.
Monica: See you later. (Monica leaves)
Phoebe (to Ross): I can't believe it. She didn't pay me.
Ross: I don't think she thought you were serious.
Phoebe: Then you owe me $20.
Ross: You volunteered to come over Pheebs, volunteering by definition means you don't get paid.
Phoebe: God damn it, you got me on a technicality again, you evil Doctor of Dinosaurs. (happily) Anyway, see you later.
Joey: Thanks for letting us hang here last night man, you really helped me out.
Ross: You're always welcome Joey, you know that.
Joey: Then why'd you kick me out of your place that one night when I stopped by to say hello?
Ross: Because I was in the middle of making love to Rachel.
Joey: Oh that's a good reason to kick someone out. (pause) Was she good that night?
Ross: Goodbye Joey, goodbye Jet. See you tonight.
Joey: How'd you know we're coming over tonight?
Ross: Well you can't take her to a strip club or a bar, so where else can you take her but here where there are other kids around.
Joey: See you around 6:30.
Ross: Pick up some beer before you come over.
Joey: Ok. (pause) You got any money?
HILTON HOTEL - LOS ANGELES (The next morning. Chandler and Jenna are still asleep. However, they somehow have wound up very close to one another. Jenna's left arm is draped across Chandler's chest and her head is buried up against his neck. Her leg is in a compromising position where a sudden movement could hurt Chandler very bad. Chandler wakes up)
Chandler: No, no, no, this can't be happening. This is way to close for comfort.
(Jenna wakes up and notices her positioning)
Jenna (looking up at Chandler): And here I thought you weren't my type.
Chandler: Don't make any sudden movements.
Jenna: Huh?
Chandler: Your leg. Your leg is positioned in a very precarious position. One wrong move and my boys will be in my throat.
Jenna (rolling away from Chandler): There, problem solved.
Chandler: How did we, how did we, how did we….
Jenna: I don't know. It's really no big deal Chandler, it's not like anything happened.
Chandler: Nothing happened? I woke up to find your breasts pressed against my side!
Jenna: So? It's not like you did anything about it.
Chandler: I'm sleeping on the floor tonight.
Jenna: You're making way to big of a deal out of this. We were merely cuddling.
Chandler: Two people who are married but not to each other shouldn't be cuddling!
Jenna: Ok, sleep on the floor.
Chandler: I'm gonna run downstairs to get the paper. Do you need anything?
Jenna: Nah, I'm just gonna take a shower and get ready for the conference.
Chandler: I'll be back.
(Chandler leaves and Jenna goes into the bathroom to take a shower. Fifteen minutes elapses. Jenna has gotten out of the shower and is starting to dress herself. Chandler enters to find Jenna bare chest staring him in the face)
Jenna (covering herself): Oops!
Chandler: Great, now I'm going straight to hell. I've seen you partially naked. Not only that, but when Monica and Joey find out about it they'll be fighting over who gets to kill me first.
Jenna: Would you relax, it's not a big deal. They're only breasts. I mean, it's not like I wasn't wearing my panties.
Chandler: Did it ever occur to you to put the "do not disturb" sign on the door? You know, this way I would've known that you were doing what you were doing.
Jenna: I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd be back so soon.
Chandler: This is just great, I wake up to find my best friend's wife's breasts pressed up against my side with her leg between mine and now I've seen her boobies. And this is on top of the fact that my wife is angry with me because I waited until the last minute to tell her that I had to come to LA for a stupid advertising conference that's going to be so boring that I'll want to get up and leave and go to Disneyland.
Jenna: Wow, you just said a lot in under ten seconds.
Chandler: I need a shower.
Jenna: The bathroom's free.
Chandler: Where are you going to be?
Jenna: Out here preparing for the conference.
Chandler: Don't come into the bathroom.
Jenna: I won't come into the bathroom Chandler, I promise.
Chandler: Because if you came into the bathroom and saw me naked then we'd be even.
Jenna: I really have no desire to see you naked. Now will you please just go shower so we can get to the conference on time?
Chandler: I'm gonna go shower.
Jenna: I think that's the best idea you've had since you got up.
Chandler: I'm locking the door.
Jenna: If you don't hurry up I'm not gonna be here when you get out.
Chandler: Ok, I'll be ready in ten minutes.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey and Jenna Jr. present)
Joey (to Jet): Look at that, we got a message. I bet it's from Mommy. (Joey pushes play) "Hi honey it's me. I was just calling to check in and let you know I made it here safe. The hotel's number is (213) 555-6785, it's room 812. Don't be alarmed if Chandler answers, we're sharing a room because there was a mix-up at the hotel. Love you. Bye." She's doing what!
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica and Michael are present)
Monica: Did you have fun at Uncle Ross'?
Michael: Yes.
Monica: Did Aunt Phoebe read you a story?
Michael: Uh huh.
(Joey comes racing in with Jet)
Joey: Do you know what's going on in LA?
Monica: In general or something specific?
Joey: Your husband, who happens to be my best friend, is sleeping with my wife. My wife!
Monica: Calm down Joey. It's not what you think.
Joey: And what is it that I think?
Monica: Well given that it's you that can be a difficult question to answer.
Joey: Monica!
Monica: Relax Joe, Chandler and Jenna are just sharing a room together because Jenna's room was double booked and the hotel is full. Nothing's gonna happen.
Joey: And you believe that load of crap!
Monica: I trust Chandler, he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize his marriage. And Jenna's a smart person, she's not going to let anything happen between them either. Just look at it like they're two friends sharing a hotel room for a couple of days.
Joey: What if he sees her naked?
Monica: He's not gonna see her naked. Stop being so paranoid. Chandler's your best friend, he'd never do anything to hurt you.
Joey: So I should be ok with this?
Monica: Yeah. It's just two friends sharing a hotel room and nothing more. Jenna loves you and Chandler loves me. We have nothing to worry about.
Joey: Ok. You're right, I've overreacted again.
Monica: And besides, if something did happen between them, we'd get to kill them when they returned home.
Joey: That's a good one Mon.
Monica: I'm not joking Joey.
Joey: You can't be serious?
Monica: Of course I'm not being serious, I'm just fooling around. I'd just hurt Chandler a little bit.
WYNDHAM HOTEL - KANSAS CITY (Rachel is preparing for her first appointment. There's a knock on the door so Rachel answers the door)
Rachel: Hello Amy, please come on in.
Amy: I see the company spared no expense.
Rachel: Excuse me?
Amy: Your room. It's pretty pricey don't you think?
Rachel: It's also serving as my office. Please have a seat.
Amy: So why the hush-hush? What's with all the secrecy?
Rachel: Secrecy?
Amy: The whole division knows you're in town Ms. Geller. The only thing is most people don't know why.
Rachel: I see. You’re the sales director for this division is that correct?
Amy: Yes, yes I am.
Rachel: Well the reason I'm here is because the company is making some changes. Part of those changes is closing under-performing stores in certain geographical areas.
Amy: So the reason you're here is to tell me that my job is being eliminated.
Rachel: Yes. Effective today you are no longer an employee of Victoria's Secret. When you return to the office, you will escorted by security to your office where you will pack your things and be asked to leave the premises.
Amy (mad): Just like that, just like that you come in here and start letting people go.
Rachel: These cuts aren't easy to make but they must be done. There's nothing I can do about it.
Amy: Well you'll be hearing from my lawyer.
Rachel: And why is that?
Amy: A wrongful termination suit.
Rachel: You're not being terminated, you're being laid off. You're being given three months full pay plus any accrued vacation in cash as part of your severance package. If the company was firing you, you'd get nothing.
Amy: Tell it to my lawyer.
Rachel: Amy, your lawyer isn't going to be able to bring your job back. You’re an employee at will and the company reserves the right to let you go without cause at any time.
Amy: You're really enjoying this aren't you?
Rachel: I'm not enjoying this at all. In fact it makes me sick to my stomach.
Amy: Don't bullsh^t me, admit it, you get off on letting people go.
Rachel: I don't enjoy this at all but it's my job so I do it. Good luck in your career endeavors.
Amy (getting up to leave): Just go f^ck yourself.
Rachel: I wouldn't get all pissy Amy, because when you need letters of recommendation they come through my office first.
Amy: You think I give a f^ck what you think?
Rachel: You're excused.
Amy: There the bitch goes again, wielding her power like she's some f^cking queen. See you in court you bitch. (Amy leaves)
Rachel: Thank God we're taping these exit interviews. (the phone rings) Hello? (pause) Hi Katie. I'm ok. I just got called a f^cking bitch and a f^cking queen but other than that the layoffs are going just fine. (pause) Yes, they're all being taped. (pause) You're sick. You'd actually sit in your office listening to these people berate me? (pause) I have five more to do. (pause) No, they're the executives in charge of the region. (pause) All at once? Are you crazy? (pause) Ok, I'll arrange it for tomorrow morning at 10. (pause) No, I'm doing it tomorrow. I've pissed enough people off for one day. (pause) As a matter of fact that was exactly what I was gonna do. (pause) I'll talk to you tomorrow. (Rachel hangs up the phone and then dials again) Room service? (pause) Could I get a number three with a Diet Coke please? Just charge it to my room. Thanks.
HILTON HOTEL - LOS ANGELES (Chandler and Jenna are at the conference)
Chandler: This is boring as hell. Why am I even here?
Jenna: Because you're the Head of Advertising now.
Chandler: Oh. Let's leave and go to Disneyland.
Jenna: You're staying right here.
Chandler: Come on, it'll be fun.
Jenna: We're not leaving.
Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Donna sent you here to babysit me and to make sure I didn't ditch the conference.
Jenna: Well not exactly in those terms, but close.
Chandler: I'll give you $50 if we leave right now.
Jenna: No, you need to stay and learn this stuff.
Chandler: A $100?
Jenna: No. Now shut up and pay attention.
Chandler: Man, you're worse than my wife.
Jenna: Speaking of your wife, did you send her more flowers?
Chandler: Yeah and a cassette tape of Elton John's I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues.
Jenna: Nice touch.
Chandler: Thanks, it's not the first time I've been in trouble with my wife.
Jenna: Yeah I know I'm married to your best friend.
CLOSING CREDITS
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica and Michael are present as Ross enters with Caitlin in tow)
Ross: Hey. Have you been crying?
Monica: No.
Ross: Yes you have. What's wrong?
Monica: It's just Chandler.
Ross: What'd he do now?
Monica: He sent me more flowers and a cassette type of Elton John's I
Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues.
Ross: And that made you cry?
Monica: No, the line in the song did.
Ross: What line is that?
Monica: "But more than ever, I simply love you more than I love life itself".
Ross: I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but that's the sweetest thing I've ever seen Chandler do.
Monica (crying): I know. And now I've got the blues because he's not here.