From: bambi eloriaga  [email protected]
Date: Mon Feb 22, 1999 1:55pm
Subject: letting go


here's another van & hitomi fic. spoilers for episode 26 are in it and i 
think you have to have seen the entire series to get some stuff. standar 
disclaimers: the vision of escaflowne blah blah blah all image ans 
likenesses blah blah blah property blah blah blah sunrise blah blah...

btw, usako-san, i visited the egroups site recently and i noticed that 
some of the posts don't get to my mailbox.

LETTING GO

	With his heart hammering away like it wants to escape the confines of 
his chest, he throws his arms across his face to shield it and rams 
through the glass. His bare chest and arms are cut by the shards flying 
all around him but he pays no heed, all he knows is that he has to get 
her out of here. He can't really explain why but in his heart he knows 
that the moment he's with her again, everything will be all right--the 
strife and suffering will end.
	He puts his arms down and his eyes immediately scan the vast enclosure 
for her. He needn't take too long to look, though.
	"Van!" She calls out to him with a confidence that reveals she knew and 
never doubted that he would come for her.
	She opens her arms to him and he flies to her, pleased beyond words 
over the fact that she's wearing the same relieved but ecstatic smile 
that's also plastered on his face.
	Swooping downwards, he takes her into his arms and holds her tight. He 
closes his eyes as she buries her face on his shoulder, a feeling of 
utter peace flooding through his whole being. As the now familiar blue 
light descends upon them, one word comes to his mind: "perfect". Unaware 
that the moment won't last long.
				***
	The harsh reality of what just transpired hits them without remorse as 
soon as they leave the confines of the old man's fortress.
	Dented, scorched--and a good lot of 'em mangled--melefs and armor 
litter the desolate, battle-scarred landscape. Now abandoned by their 
owners who seem to be grappling with the horrors produced by their 
folly.
	Some, though, weren't lucky enough to discard their weapons and armor. 
And while a number have recovered their senses enough to help the 
wounded and accord the dead and dying with a bit of dignity, still a 
whole lot are wandering about dazed and confused. Their vacant eyes 
reflecting their ongoing struggle of comprehending all that they've done 
and gone through just moments ago.
	Hitomi tried her best not to look at the carnage and confusion below. 
Opting instead to hug Van tight, keeping her face buried against the 
side of his neck. But no matter how hard she shuts her eyes, her 'inner 
sight' stubbornly refuses to stay in check.
	However hard she concentrates, she can't seem to block out the 
anguished thoughts and feelings of the people below.
	But what's even more unsettling to Hitomi at that moment was that the 
link she shares with Van--that which enabled her to feel what he 
feels--seems to be even stronger now, straining against the barriers set 
by mere empathy. She can hear every thought racing through his mind, is 
affected by every emotion tearing through his soul and can see every 
disturbing detail of the scene he's scanning down below.
	Suddenly sensing that which is affecting the person he has protectively 
bundled up in his arms. Van grits his teeth, grimly looks to the horizon 
to avoid the scene below and strives to get her away from the 
battlefield as fast as he could.
				***
	The tense hours stretch by, growing too long for his comfort. Van looks 
around, examining the place where his wings have brought them.
	His eyes widen in surprise. They can't be that far from the Zaibach 
capital, with him flying on his own power. Yet he finds that the bleak, 
rocky landscape of the capital has given way to this lush, green one.
	Unfolding below them is a mini-forest, certainly nothing compared to 
the woods of Fanelia where the thick canopies at times prevent light 
from penetrating and reaching the forest floor. But the varied 
collection of evergreens sprawled beneath them is formidable 
nonetheless.
	Van spots a break in the foliage from the corner of his eye. As he 
realizes that that which has caught his attention is actually a 
sparklingly blue lake, all that he's been through today--not to mention 
the battle and the flying--bear down on him. With weariness suddenly 
rendering his limbs leaden, he heads for the inviting lakeshore that 
seemingly guarantees the respite they both need.
	As Van turns to his left, he feels Hitomi's tense body finally relax. 
Van breathes a sigh of relief and turns to his companion to inform her 
of his intentions. He shouldn't have done so.
	Van looks into Hitomi's sea green eyes and his end of their shared 
mind-link which, up to that moment, had remained just a notch above 
dormancy, suddenly flares open.
	Everything that Hitomi had 'sensed' since they left Dornkirk's fortress 
comes crashing through his thoughts. Images of all the pain, the 
anguish, the guilt and the confusion parade before his mind's eye, 
threatening to tear at his very core.
	Caught off-guard, Van loses control of his wings and the two plummet 
downwards, rushing head-long into the middle of the thickest growth of 
trees.
	Noticing the ground rushing up to greet her at a sickening pace, Hitomi 
is shocked out of her stupor.
	"Van!" She shrieks.
	The sound of her voice brings him back to the here and now. He recovers 
just in time to hold her body close to his, open his wings against the 
surging current and brace himself for the impact.
	His feet hit the mossy forest floor and his knees buckle under their 
combined weight. Van twists his body at the last minute, letting his 
back hit the ground first, using his torso to cushion his 'precious 
cargo' from the impact.
	Gravity, though, hates being cheated and the two roll down the uneven 
ground, tumbling to a stop on the sandy lakeshore.
	They stay like that for a moment. A stunned, unmoving, untidy heap 
trying to catch its breath.
	Seconds pass then Hitomi finally recovers from the shock. She rolls off 
of Van and helps him sit up.
	"Are you okay?" She asks.
	"A few scrapes, lumps and bruises, I'm afraid," he winces.
	"Well you know what they say," Hitomi volunteers, "any landing you walk 
away from..."
	"What?" He peers at her, puzzled.
	"Never mind," she answers.
	Hitomi looks around for the first time and wonders, "Where are we? We 
were in Zaibach and now..."
	"I think technically we are still in Zaibach," Van explains, "although 
the terrain and climate resemble that of the nearby country Krosheir, I 
don't think we've passed the Skaarsmore Stockade yet so that means we 
are still within Zaibach's borders."
	Hitomi stands up and begins swiping away at the sand, twigs and leaves 
clinging to her. More than a few seconds pass by when she notices that 
Van is still sitting on the sand, staring at her, brows knitted in 
concern.
	"What?" She asks, alarmed.
	Van closes his eyes and begins rubbing his temples, obviously still 
reeling from the sudden barrage of 'visions'.
	"Hitomi," Van begins, "is that what happens...I mean, the visions..."
	Hitomi shudders at the memory but quickly pulls herself together this 
time.
	"Sorry about that," she tells him, "I haven't got the hang of filtering 
what I 'see'. Much less block them out when somebody accidentally taps 
into my thoughts."
	"C'mon," she says, helping Van up, "I know you had the wind knocked out 
of you and the shade under that big tree looks very inviting."
				***
	Van plops onto the cushiony, dry moss and rests his back on the massive 
tree trunk. Hitomi kneels in front of him, produces a handkerchief from 
her left pocket and begins dabbing at the cuts on his arms and chest.
	"Thank you," she whispers, "for getting me out of there and for..."
	Caught off-guard by the hand now covering her own, she stops, stops 
speaking and stops wiping away at his wounds. Instead, she looks 
inquiringly into his chestnut eyes.
	Noting the bewildered expression on her face, he pulls on the hand he 
has taken a hold of, drawing her closer to him then hugging her tight 
against his chest.
	Never actually good with words, he opts to show her how he feels 
instead. And what he feels right now is that he has to reassure her, let 
her know that she doesn't have to thank him for anything.
	Hitomi stiffens in surprise, her breath caught in her throat. She 
remembers to breathe again after a while and tenderly returns his 
embrace, mindful of his wounds.
	With a cough, she pulls away but settles down on a nice piece of moss 
next to him. Van smiles, certain that she doesn't see his face. Then he 
wraps his arm around her and she obligingly rests her head on his 
shoulder. Again, one thought pushes itself to the fore of his musings. A 
word: perfect.
				***
	He wakes up to find that the sun had finished three-quarters of its 
course, twilight was fast approaching.
	His right arm had gone numb, failing to wake up along with the rest of 
his body. But he pays it no heed, afraid that he might rouse her if he 
does. More importantly, he is reluctant to break the spell this moment 
has woven.
	He waits with bated breath as Hitomi stirs and tries to settle into a 
more comfortable position.
	"She looks so peaceful now," he thinks, remembering the pained 
expression on her face when she was besieged by the visions just moments 
ago.
	The longer he gazes into her face, the more strongly he yearns to touch 
it. For the first time in his life, he finds himself feeling powerless. 
Unable to resist the urge, Van reaches out with his left hand.
	He tentatively tucks a wayward strand of hair onto the back of her ear. 
Hitomi doesn't move and Van grows bolder. He cups the side of her face, 
tracing her cheekbone with his thumb. The next thing he knows, two green 
orbs are curiously staring up at him.
	"Hitomi! I, er...uh," Van stammers, "I'm sorry...I woke you up."
	Hitomi quickly reaches out to keep his hand in place, not really 
wishing for him to take it away.
	"It's okay," she reassures him, "I wasn't asleep."
	An awkward silence ensues. Eventually, Hitomi lets go of Van's hand 
which slides back to his side. He also reclaims his right arm from her 
shoulder, albeit reluctantly.
	Noticing his tender, jerky movements and the grimace on his face, 
Hitomi guesses correctly that his arm had fallen asleep. She takes his 
numb arm in both hands then gives it a rub down to make the blood flow 
again.
	"How long have you been awake?" Van asks just to break the silence.
	"Well I didn't feel like sleeping in the first place," Hitomi answers, 
"I was just sitting there, listening to you breathe, thinking 
about...stuff."
	He watches her hard at work, trying to get his blood to circulate. He 
watches her and he tries to form the words that'll express everything he 
feels about her being here with him now.
	Then it's as if a dam had just been broken. Feelings, experiences, 
thoughts and emotions that he feels he has to share with her come 
flooding through him. Like rushing currents they flow and he finds that 
he can't keep up with them. They pile one on top of another so fast that 
he thinks he can no longer grope for the words that'll capture 
everything he feels. But still he has to begin somewhere, he convinces 
himself. He can do this.
	He takes a deep breath and dives in. "Hitomi, I..."
	"Shhh..." She cuts him off, afraid of the words he might say.
	Puzzled by the obvious pain etched on her face, he tries again.
	"I..."
	"It's okay," she tells him. Reaching out and pushing the hair from his 
brow so she could look into his eyes.
	"I understand how you feel," she says, placing her forehead against 
his. Then she closes her eyes.
	"I, on the other hand," he says to himself, "will never understand 
you."
	He closes his eyes and presses his lips against hers, hoping to find 
some comfort there. Finding only pain, he shuts his eyes even harder to 
make the hurt go away. But he succeeds only in letting a single tear 
roll down his cheek.
				***
	"The sun's just about ready to set, Hitomi. We'd best be on our way."
	"Listen, Van. I can't let you carry me all the way to another country. 
We've both been through a lot. It's okay, I feel safe here. Go back and 
get Escaflowne or a ship or something then come back for me. And then, 
well I guess we'll have to try to find the others...see how they are."
	They both stand up. He walks forward a few paces then turns back, 
obviously searching for something to say. She smiles at him ruefully 
then walks over to him.
	Holding him tight, she whispers, "It's okay. Go on...I'll wait for 
you."
	He arches his back and with a loud groan, lets out his wings. This 
time, he doesn't look back. And Hitomi watches as he disappears over the 
horizon.
	Now that she's alone, she lets the tears come. She knows it was the 
right thing to do, that she shouldn't feel this way. Yet regret is what 
she does feel. Regret over words left unspoken, regret over what 
could've been.
				***
	"I take it back, Hitomi." He says to himself as he watches the blue 
light fade, finally taking Hitomi home and leaving him alone with just 
Escaflowne and his brother's tomb as silent companions.
	"What I said weeks ago at that forest. I do understand you and what you 
did. If you had let me talk...who knows? I might have said some things, 
you could've said some things...It's enough that we understand each 
other's feelings. Some things are best left unsaid, it makes it that 
much easier to let go."


Postscript: This fic started out as a "what if?" What if Van and Hitomi 
had some time alone together after all that's happened, what would they 
talk about? Then my friend and I concluded that they could probably end 
up talking about everything under the sun, or Tsukino Maboroshi for that 
matter(he, he, he), EXCEPT their own relationship. What do you think? 
Email me at bibams@h...


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'deceive, inveigle, and obfuscate...'

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