Reflections Behind a Tear
by Bambi Eloriaga
It has been three years. Three
years since the dragon, three years since I lost my
arm, three years since the old man brought me here and
told me about fate and my destiny. I have subsequently
realized how drastically wrong my views about the
Zaibach Empire were.
Although, there are times when I
still think about them; my little brother, my
mother�and the kingdom that is supposed to be mine. But
I quickly push these thoughts back to the farthest
corner of my mind. I have to, if I am to go on. That
part of my life is dead to me now.
It's amazing how one seemingly
insignificant event can change your perspective and run
your priorities through a wringer. Ever since I heard
the legend of Fanelia's first king and the
dragonslaying ritual, I've tried to rationalize the
exercise. The harder I thought about it, though, the
more pointless and futile that rite of passage became
to me. Then one day my father died, I was 15 and-being
the first-born son-was the rightful heir to the throne
so the dragonslaying rite was thrust upon me. It
doesn't matter if I haven't figured out yet what the
connection between ruling a kingdom and killing that
animal was. It wasn't my place to question tradition.
I mechanically made my way into the
forest. It was like I was moving and acting with my
mind turned off, I don't even remember how I stumbled
upon that dragon. What I do remember is that when I
looked into the creature's eyes, I knew my life would
never be the same again.
In that split-second of a glimpse,
I saw confusion and fear that mirrored my own. I was
surprised for I wasn't expecting such comprehension and
sentience.
The dragon was my key to
enlightenment. He inadvertently brought me here to
Zaibach where I have found my purpose in life. I am now
a willing pupil of Dornkirk, striving to understand the
workings of fate. Once we unravel the mysteries of
attraction and repulsion, perhaps hate will be
eliminated and a period of eternal peace will be
ushered in.
This is why I've buried Prince
Folken of Fanelia. Though I am grieving for that part
of my life I've now turned my back on, I am convinced
that my quest for utopia is more important than ruling
over a kingdom which forces innocents to partake in
pointless rituals, customs which involve killing
creatures perhaps far wiser than us.
In three years I've learned all I
can from Dornkirk. Overcoming the initial shock of the
loss of my arm, I've absorbed all that the old man has
to pass down. Mastering his philosophy and science with
an eagerness that surprised even the old man.
Today I've turned 18 and Dornkirk
has declared that he had nothing left to teach me and
that I was now prepared to learn more advanced things.
And that is how I now find myself
here-on the outskirts of the empire, in a sprawling
complex mysteriously shrouded by thick gray mists.
Outsiders jokingly refer to the place as the Madoshi
Academy, but to insiders, it is known as "The
Fortress".
I don't know the exact origin of
the name but as I've come to see it, it is called The
Fortress because the green-gray walls and the dense fog
enclosing the vast compound unyieldingly guard the
Madoshi's secrets within.
Alighting from my vehicle, I've
noticed that someone has been sent to meet me. He is
tall, reed-thin, bald and bespectacled. He stops within
an arm's length of me and bows courteously. Although he
doesn't bother to introduce himself, I notice.
"Before you retire to your
quarters," he says, "the Headmaster wishes to speak to
you first." Then he beckons for me to follow him.
The door closes behind me and I
find myself in a cavernous but sparsely decorated room.
The only furnishings being a wooden bench and table of
equal length on one corner and opposite these is a
massive shelf housing several scrolls and parchment.
The room is illuminated by natural
light from the outside as the massive double doors to
the balcony have been thrown wide open. The Headmaster
stands with his back to me, his hands braced on the
balcony railing.
"Dr. Dornkirk speaks highly of you
boy." He addresses me without even bothering to turn
around. He waves his hand, gesturing for me to join him
on the outside platform.
Getting a better look at him, I now
notice that the man is very old. Time has not been kind
to him. He is stooped with age, whatever hair he has
left is wiry and smoke-gray, his face is wrinkled and
lined but his eyes, surprisingly they still have
clarity and focus that is rare in people at such an
advanced age. They also betray something else-his eyes
mirror a cold and unfeeling nature that succeeds in
making me uneasy.
"He says that your comprehension
and capacity for science are remarkable.", he
continues. "More importantly, we are supposed to guide
you and teach you everything for he says that you
occupy a vital role in his scheme of things."
He then faces me. Staring directly
into my eyes, he smiles, displaying blackened stumps
which were once teeth.
"However, this doesn't mean that
you're not going to abide by rules. There is only one
really, so it should be simple." He points outwards. My
gaze follows the direction he's indicating, below the
balcony, across the garden and further beyond to a door
at the base of a bare, squat structure.
"You can do whatever you want
really, go wherever the hell you want to�except to that
place. That building, nay, that entire area is
off-limits to you. You are forbidden to interact with
anybody connected to that place as well. At least,
until you are ready."
"And when will that be?", I ask.
"When I say so, boy.", the old man
answers.
As if on cue, the door in question
opens. Into the garden comes a huge golden-haired
dog-man leading a little girl out by hand. As the
dog-man pauses to close the door behind them, the girl
breaks away from the creature's grip and skips her way
to the multi-colored flowers.
I've done all I can to cope with
this gloomy "Fortress". Hah! Fortress indeed, it keeps
out every conceivable positive emotion the way the
walls and thick air prevent sunlight from effectively
illuminating every corner of the complex.
To prevent my slipping into the
pits of loneliness and despair, I bury myself in work
and study. After two years, the Madoshi-even those
occupying high ranks in the academe-have come to regard
me with respect, albeit grudgingly. Although, I must
admit they don't say it outright. However, I do notice
that they generally leave me alone to deal with my own
devices. I am also not as reprimanded as the other
novices and am allowed to be more vocal than the
others.
I occasionally receive word from
Dornkirk, seeking my advice on possible impediments to
his fate-altering device. So, much of my time is spent
on my drafts and prototypes that may augment Dornkirk's
own machine. At the same time, I've assimilated
whatever knowledge the Madoshi chooses to pass down to
me. I've even been a breath of fresh air, so to speak,
sometimes introducing and improving on the technology
they've been teaching for years. But this breath of
fresh air is something that isn't welcomed by all, the
atmosphere becomes so thick with envy and resentment at
times that I can feel it weighing down on me�making
everything seem sluggish.
Still, at the rate I'm going, the
committee of elders say that it won't be long before I
reach the final stage of what they call the "levels of
learning"-when I come under the direct guidance of the
Headmaster himself and then graduate into the ranks of
the Madoshi. If that means that I can finally leave
this place then that's so much the better. I'll do
whatever I can to race up those levels.
But however willing my mind and
spirit are, my body though, cannot cope with the
continued stress that I make it go through. When this
happens, I escape and this is what I am seeking to do
tonight. I eagerly shrug off the thick and stuffy black
robes that everybody here is forced to wear, preferring
to venture forth in my sleeping garments-soft white
tunic and brown drawstring trousers.
Careful not to make any noise, I
make my way through the hallways and out into the
garden. I breathe deeply, taking in the fragrance
provided by the different blossoms. The night is
pleasantly balmy, the two moons brilliantly
illuminating the cloudless sky.
I reach my place of refuge-the
solitary tree in the garden. I pick a spot to sit and
rest my back against the peculiarly smooth trunk. I
don't know what type of tree this is, its dense
branches and leaves grow umbrella-like stopping a short
distance from the ground, providing the perfect hiding
place. On the other hand, the inside of this natural
shelter is a surprisingly good vantage point for
voyeurs, giving the observer a perfect view of the
garden, the outlying structures and everything else
that one would wish to hide from.
During times like these, I like to
stare at the stars and Tsukino Maboroshi but tonight, I
only wish to rest and close my eyes. Letting my
thoughts take flight while constantly thanking this
tree for shielding me against this cold and distant
place and its equally cold and distant people.
Gradually, my thoughts turn to my
pet project of the moment-trying to figure out how to
process animal remains and waste as an energy source
alternate to energist crystals. Then I hear it, a
delightfully mirthful giggling so alien in this glum
place.
I look up to see a girl sitting on
one of the tree branches, swinging her legs and smiling
down at me. Standing up to get a better look at her, I
see that she's not more than nine or 10, blue-eyed with
her blonde hair close-cropped like a boy's.
I decide to join her up the tree,
choosing a sturdy branch directly in front of her.
"You were sleeping!", she tells me,
still smiling.
I was about to tell her that I
wasn't sleeping, that in fact I was thinking about fuel
and combustion but I quickly stop myself, remembering
that she's just a child.
"Never mind that," I tell her
instead. "What are you doing here climbing trees in
your sleeping garments?" What are you-a little
girl-doing in a place like this period, is what I
really want to know.
All mirth and color begins to drain
from her face. Staring fixedly at something far away,
she answers my question. "They brought me here.", she
says emotionlessly.
A thousand questions race through
my mind. "They? Why? How?�" But before I can ask even
one of them, the girl turns to me again, regaining
humor as quickly as she lost it.
"Hey!", she tells me cheerfully,
"You're up here too, aren't you? And what are YOU
wearing?"
It feels good to laugh again. It
feels good to laugh with her�she puts her hand against
my mouth, indicating that I should keep quiet. Her body
tenses and I turn to look at what has caught her
attention.
"It's Jajuka.", she whispers,
jerking her thumb at the direction of the dog-man.
"Hmmph! It took him long enough to find out that I
wasn't in my room anymore."
She begins to climb down the tree
then stops to smile at me.
"My name's Serena. How 'bout you?"
"Folken."
"Nice to meet you Folken-san. See
you 'round."
She jumps down from the tree,
surprising the dog-man.
"How many times have I told you,
child?", Jajuka reprimands her. "You aren't allowed to
venture forth alone, much less at night. Are you
listening, child? Should I tell you the rules again?"
"Alright, alright.", she answers.
"Race you to my quarters!"
She begins to run, leaving behind
her keeper who stands shaking his head. Finally, he
follows her into the building. As the door closes
behind the dog-man, I suddenly remember where I've seen
her before-when I first got here. Yes! And that stupid
rule. I've forgotten about the Headmaster's rule, so
busy was I with hastening my "graduation" from this
forsaken place.
I'm not allowed to speak to her, am
I? As I begin to wonder about Serena and the place
where I'm not supposed to go, my fingers aimlessly
touch my lips-where her hand had been.
Whoever said that the Madoshi
closely guard their secrets was a master of the
understatement. After more than a year of snooping
around, all I've turned up so far is the name of the
structure where Serena is. It's called "The Forbidden
Place". Aaargh! I didn't need to eavesdrop to find that
out. I don't trust anybody enough to ask about it
openly. Nobody talks about what goes on in that place
either. If there are documents chronicling the
proceedings there then they would logically be within
the place itself, I ceratinly haven't found any in the
libraries. I still don't know what Serena's role is in
all this.
Serena�What's even more frustrating
for me is that I haven't seen her again. I'm beginning
to think that I've dreamt it all.
This new preoccupation of mine has
slowed down my progress with my studies. I can almost
hear the Madoshi heave a collective sigh of relief, not
because they want me to stay here longer but because
they're uneasy that I could go through their levels of
learning in a few years when it took them decades to
master the same.
At any rate, my sudden disinterest
is the reason why I'm being summoned by the
Headmaster�at least, I think it is.
He doesn't even bother to offer me
a seat. I've been standing here for minutes now. But
all the old man does is write on his parchment with one
hand raised-indicating that I should keep quiet and
wait for him to finish.
Finally, he looks up and clears his
throat. "So boy, you've slowed down. What is with this
sudden lack of interest in your studies?�Wait, never
mind, you might get the wrong idea. Don't answer that
because I don't care to know."
"Dornkirk is getting anxious over
your sudden change of attitude. He wants you to finish
your training here as quickly as possible so you can
take your place at his side."
His tone is purposefully tinged
with sarcasm and contempt, I'm doing the best I can to
keep still and listen to his drivel. "I assured the
good doctor that you aren't off track, change of
behavior notwithstanding. In fact, I believe that
you're ready to go through the final stage. Starting
tomorrow, you will report to me directly�"
I have to tune out, I have to or I
might lose it. I feel like the room, massive as it is,
is closing in on me. Risking the Headmaster's ire, I
look out over the railing and across the garden.
Suddenly, my breath gets caught in my throat�the door
at the base of the Forbidden Place is open! There she
is! It wasn't just my imagination!
The dog-man is shaking his head at
his ward again but Serena isn't taking heed. She's
running around the garden, chasing after butterflies.
The scene makes me smile but this
quickly dissipates. I hadn't noticed that the
Headmaster had stopped talking, he's staring at me
intently now. He turns to look at what has caught my
attention then shifts his gaze back to me. He gives me
a venomous look, a warning that he knows.
I'm torn. Dornkirk is becoming
increasingly agitated�something about the drama
beginning to unfold. An event that may interfere with
the Sphere of Absolute Fortune is going to happen, he
says. Although he can't yet say when or what this event
is, he says that it is imperative for all the players
to take their places-including me.
Therein lies my dilemma. I can't
believe I'm saying this but I don't want to leave the
Fortress yet. Not without seeing Serena once more.
Ever since that night in the
garden, I haven't had a chance to get close to her
again. Sure, I get glimpses of her now and then when
I'm at the Headmaster's office and she goes out to the
garden but she's never without that dog-man and I can't
very well approach her openly in broad daylight. Not
with the Headmaster breathing down my neck, watching
everything I do, calling it "monitoring my progress".
Ack! I slap my forehead in
frustration. I don't understand what's happening to me.
I've been too preoccupied with her that I haven't even
noticed the passing of time. It was my birthday
yesterday, I now realize. I've just turned 23�it's been
three years since that night with Serena.
I've practically camped out here
every night�all for naught, I might add. But I haven't
lost hope, something within me is telling me that
tonight will be different. It doesn't matter if I've
been sitting under this tree for hours now, I still
can't shake this feeling that something will happen.
I'm not leaving till it does.
I close my eyes and replay the
events that happened three years ago�the twinkle in her
eye, her soft giggling, her hand upon my lips�
"I see you've fallen asleep again,
Folken-san."
I open my eyes and am surprised to
find that she has sat beside me without my even
noticing it, I was so caught up in my memories. Her
presence is not the only surprise, seeing her up-close
again I discover that she's grown into a young woman!
Yes, it has been that long.
"You still remember who I am?"
"Of course.", she tells me.
"Although�I was hoping that when I meet you again,
you'd still be in your sleeping garb."
I think my jaw has dropped open.
But before I can recover and ask her what she meant,
she begins pushing at my bulky robes revealing my
cybernetic arm.
"There.", she says, spreading my
mechanical fingers then playfully tapping her palm-up
and down and up and down-against my own. "Isn't that
better? It's not nice to be covered up on such a stuffy
night."
"You aren't bothered by it? It
doesn't�frighten you?"
"Nope! Look�" She laces her fingers
with mine and tells me to squeeze.
"See," she continues, "it may be
cold and tough on the outside but that doesn't mean it
can't be gentle�like the rest of you. Besides, you
weren't so reserved the last time, walking about in
your tunic."
I can't help but smile at her.
"Well I didn't know I was going to have company."
I clear my throat and try to affect
a tone of sternness. "How do you know that I'm gentle?
Do you think you already know me in that short span of
time that we talked?"
"Aha!", she exclaims, "I know
something you don't. I've been watching you."
"You've been watching me?", I ask
incredulously.
"Uh-huh.", she answers, "I have
hiding places. I see you walking down the halls, and
listening to your teachers, and reading in the
libraries�and you know what, you always keep your right
arm covered, no matter what. You shouldn't be
embarrassed by it, it's part of who you are. If they
don't like it then that's their problem."
"By watching you," she continues,
"I've come to know that I can trust you. I trust you
because you're not like the other people here."
I've blushed but I don't care if
she notices. What she has just revealed to me doesn't
anger me. If it had been another person I'm sure I
would've been enraged. But the fact that it was her,
watching me unseen and unknown by me is curiously
thrilling to me.
She pulls her hand away from mine
and hugs herself shivering. I look at her with concern,
there isn't any breeze, why�
"I don't know what I'm doing
here.", she tells me. "They're doing something to me, I
don't know what. Sometimes I wake up and I'm not in my
own clothes�I wake up to find I'm wearing boys'
clothing and it's happening more often now. I don't
know what happens to me during these�blackouts, I don't
know what I do, I don't�"
She breaks down in tears. I feel
myself being consumed by rage, I begin clenching and
unclenching my fists in frustration. I don't
understand�Is she being violated? Are they conducting
tests on her? What is the secret that's being kept
within the Forbidden Place?
But I realize that finding out the
answers to these questions is not my immediate concern.
I have to calm Serena down first. How do I do that? Of
course, get her to think about something else.
"You know Serena," I tell her, "to
get to where I am now, I had to sacrifice a great deal.
I had to�(I hesitate for this would be the first time
that I would speak about it to another person, but I
press on because I feel that I can trust her with
anything.)�I had to reinvent my life. I left my family
behind. Hey, my brother would be just about your age by
now, I guess."
"Brother? Brother!" She begins to
lose it even more, her body violently racked by sobs.
What'd I do? Something I said must've triggered some
horrible memory. She is now pounding her head with her
fists. Not knowing what else to do-and afraid to say
anything else for fear that it might upset her
further-I hold her tight against my chest, trapping
both her hands within mine so she wouldn't hurt herself
anymore.
"Allen, why didn't you help me? Why
don't you come for me, Allen?"
Ouch! I can actually feel it
jealousy manifesting itself as physical pain-a pain in
my chest like she's just reached out and squeezed my
heart. Who's this guy she's calling out to? With much
effort, I push this feeling aside. What's important now
is to be here for her, to console her. I begin rocking
her and stroking her hair. Gradually, she relaxes and
returns my embrace.
She gently pulls away, not
completely, just enough to look into my face. I bend to
kiss her forehead then proceed to kiss the tears away
from her cheeks. But she's the one who presses her lips
against mine. Her lips are soft but firm at the same
time, her kiss sweet and gentle but clumsy-her
inexperience showing. Abandoning all restraints and
acting on impulse, I reach out with my left hand to cup
the back of her head, pulling her closer into the kiss.
I can't sleep, I can't stop
thinking about her. Oh, Serena�do you know what you're
doing to me? Who am I kidding? She doesn't know what
she's doing. She's barely out of childhood, for
goodness' sake, ten years younger than you man!
Besides, she kissed you because she
was feeling desolate. She's been alone all this time,
forced to go through who knows what, all she wanted was
reassurance from somebody she can finally trust. She
needed to be close to someone. It's not like she's
fallen in love with you, I doubt that she even
understands what that means.
I have to stop doing this! I have
to give it a rest, hell, I need a rest but my thoughts
keep drifting back to her�and that kiss.
Am I in love with her? Sure
there've been wenches and servant girls back when I was
a prince of Fanelia but I haven't felt anything like
this before. What I am sure of is what attracts me to
her. That spiritedness, that joie de vivre that
stubbornly shines through despite the hopelessness of
the situation she's been thrust into.
She has been my one source of light
in this bleak place and that's why I must protect her.
Before they sap all hope from her and break her spirit.
I have to get her away from this place and no one can
make me do otherwise, not even that putrid Headmaster.
"He's not feeling well, he can't
make it today.", the bespectacled bald guy, whom I
assume is the Headmaster's assistant, tells me.
This is the third day that he has
missed, is the old man finally dying? This is all
getting frustrating, time is of the essence-no matter
how clich�d that sounds. He better not die before I
confront him about what's going on in the Forbidden
Place.
I promise I'll take you away from
here, Serena.
(Sigh!) At least they let me stay
here, this office really has the best view of the
garden. I've always liked looking out to the garden,
especially now since it reminds me of her. But I'd much
rather see it at night, it loses all mystery during the
day. At night, each flower seems to glow, giving off
it's own natural light and the garden becomes some kind
of surreal fallen rainbow.
Well, fancy this coincidence! The
object of all my ruminations has just stepped out onto
the garden with the dog-man in tow. What?�something's
not right. Triggered by alarm, I bolt from the bench,
reaching the balcony in just two strides. Seizing the
railing with my right hand, I jump, never mind that
it's a long way down.
Even while I'm rolling on the
ground to offset the impact, I could see that I wasn't
mistaken. I did see it, no matter how horrible, I
didn't imagine it. She was running after some
butterflies and when she had caught one, she put it in
her mouth! Even now, the creature's wing still dangles
over her lower lip. The dog-man has grabbed her chin,
trying to force her to spit it out. But upon hearing my
approach, he turns and focuses his attention on me.
"Serena!" I call out but she
doesn't respond. The dog-man is standing now,
stretching to his full height. He places himself
between me and Serena, trying to hide her from view.
"Please," I tell him, "Jajuka, is
it? Jajuka, can I talk to her? What's wrong with her?"
A couple of academics whom I don't
recognize have come out and are now dragging Serena
back to the Forbidden Place.
"Hey, wait!", I shout, preparing to
stomp after them. But Jajuka has reached out, gripping
my arm with his beefy hand, stopping me dead in my
tracks.
"Please, whoever you are," he tells
me softly, "this happens time and again. And when it
does, it's always best to just stand back and let them
'fix' her."
"But�" I start to protest but he
just tightens his grip, telling me that he isn't going
to give in. I look at her helplessly and the sight
chills me to the bone. Her eyes have gone blank,
lifeless, empty. Like the light of her being had been
turned off. Despair fills my heart. Am I too late?
"No I am not deaf!", I shout at the
assistant. I grab him by the shoulders, shoving him
towards the direction of the Headmaster's room.
"I know he's not feeling well, I
don't care. If he doesn't want to speak to me, I don't
care either. I'll break down this door and MAKE him
talk to me! You hear?!"
"That's enough, boy!", the
Headmaster shouts from within the room. He opens the
door and eyes me with obvious amusement. "Don't you
know that noise is not conducive to learning? Very
well, we shall talk but not here."
He leads the way to his office and
I follow him into the room. He takes a seat on the
bench, eyes me and says: "Now then boy, speak up."
"Serena, don't even pretend that
you don't know about her, tell me what you've done to
her!"
"Ah yes, the girl.", he answers.
"So my suspicions about you were correct then. You
realize of course that I would've told you about her
eventually, after you had undergone all the initiation
rituals. After all, the Madoshi do not keep secrets
from each other."
"Stow it, old man! Tell me what's
wrong with her."
"Calm down, boy. You know, one of
the reasons why I got to be this old is because I never
lose it. Okay, okay�I can sense your impatience. Now,
where shall I start�oh yes, the Forbidden Place. I am
assuming that you, being Dornkirk's fair-haired boy,
are well-aware of his life-long quest to control fate?"
I answer his query with a snort,
I'm not up to playing his games.
"I'll take that as a yes.", he
says, "Well, we-being the loyal citizens of the
empire-turned Dornkirk's all-consuming vision into our
prime directive. However, we believe that controlling
fate as a whole is too grandiose a mission. Why not
bring it down to the lowest level?"
I can feel my throat tightening
with each word he utters but I need to hear all of it,
if I am to help Serena.
"This is what we have accomplished
at the Forbidden Place. We have learned how to change
the destinies of individual men."
Although the maniacal gleam in his
eye leaves plenty of room for doubt, something within
me tells me that his words aren't just empty boasts.
"No doubt you're wondering how we
were able to do this," he continues, "the course of
destiny can be de-railed by controlling the very stuff
that makes up life. Oh-ho! I can read surprise written
all over your face, boy! Yes we, the Madoshi, have
unraveled the very essence of life. Stripped down to
the very basic level, every living thing is made up of
a delicate strand. This strand, minute as it is,
incredibly dictates the makeup of each life form-its
color, shape, size�its gender and everything else."
I feel myself growing smaller and
smaller, I wish I was just tucked away safely under
that tree again�
"So boy, by manipulating biological
make-up, you end up cheating fate. If a person ceases
to exist, so does that individual's destiny obviously.
By tweaking the strand of life, you create a new person
and with it is attached a new destiny. Are you
following this, boy?"
I turn my back on him and walk
away, never mind if I've given him the satisfaction of
seeing me broken and defeated.
"They're doing something to me�I
wake up to find I'm wearing boys' clothing"�"If a
person ceases to exist�by manipulating biological
make-up, you end up cheating fate�This is what we have
accomplished." ACCOMPLISHED.
Forgive me, Serena. It should've
been obvious to me, the first time I saw you, that you
didn't belong in a place like this. If I had figured
that out right then and there then I would've started
asking questions and my curiosity would've led me to
the truth sooner. But no, I was too selfish. I was too
blinded by ambition and too absorbed with trying to get
away from here as quickly as possible to dwell on other
things, however glaringly out of place they may be. And
now it's too late, Serena. I didn't even get the chance
to tell you how I feel about you. It's too late. I'm
sorry.
Prodded by illogical optimism or
maybe I just want to beat myself up some more, whatever
it is, I now find myself heading for the Forbidden
Place.
It is eerie. Before, it would've
been nigh impossible for me to enter here undetected.
Now the guards and everybody else, for that matter, is
gone. Perhaps they've taken off for that much awaited
vacation or celebration after seeing all their work
come to a fruition. The bastards!
Eh, what's that? Something like
moaning coming from my right, yes, down the hallway. As
I reach for the knob, the fact that my hand is
trembling doesn't escape me. For a moment I pause,
hoping beyond reason that perhaps it's all a mistake.
Taking a deep breath, I push�
I can almost hear it, my hope
shattered into a thousand teeny-tiny pieces, like glass
flung violently against a brick wall. It's just the
dog-man, sitting on the bed and wearing a more pathetic
expression than the one I have on. He is cradling a box
which I assume contains her things.
"Jajuka?"
"You're too late.", he whispers to
me without shifting his attention from the box. "She
doesn't exist anymore."
For the second time today, I turn
my back on a person who is not done talking me. I walk
away not because I'm angry and disgusted like I was
with the Headmaster, I'm leaving because I believe him.
I know that his grief is genuine, the horror I didn't
want to believe in has just been confirmed.
"Welcome back, Folken-sama. Do you
wish to rest now? We've prepared your chambers for
you.", Nariya tells me as I enter the room.
I approach the twins, touched by
the gesture, I begin stroking their hair
affectionately. However reassuring their purring is to
me, I nevertheless tell them apologetically that I wish
to be alone now. Obedient to me as ever, the two
wordlessly make their way out of the room.
I know that they're just anxious to
see me after all the years I've spent apart from them,
but I have vowed never again. "When you dabble in
science you must be logical, impartial-and most
importantly-not be swayed by emotions. If you've ever
picked something up from me, let that be it."
Those were the Headmaster's final
words to me and much as I loathe to admit it, I agree
with him. I'm not going to let myself get close to
anyone ever again, it hurts too much. Besides, it
distracts me too much from the cause. If Dornkirk's
dream is going to be realized, it needs all the
resources of the Zaibach Empire, including me. No more
distractions, I have to dedicate 100 percent of my time
and energy to our quest.
But I won't go about it as a member
of the Madoshi. I refuse to be a party to their
perverted sense of understanding destiny. Sure,
mastering destiny is the tool that Dornkirk has
proclaimed as that which will end strife. But this
doesn't mean that a pure and innocent soul should be
sacrificed just to acquire this tool.
If it does then that's a blatant
contradiction of the cause that strives for the
betterment of all lives. But the Madoshi, the men of
logic that they proclaim to be, do not understand this.
And this is why I cannot be one of them.
Curiously, Dornkirk took my
decision quite well. Never betraying any emotion as I
explained to him that I am no longer content with
merely conducting scientific research. I now wish to
play a more active role on the front, marrying the
knowledge of science that I have gained to military
tactics.
The old man just waited for me to
finish and then told me that all this is well and good,
that his vision of the future is not clouded by this
new role I wish to play. Hmmm�fascinating old man. In
fact, he seemed even more alarmed by my new, ah,
"appearance". But this is something I do not wish to
explain to him or anyone else.
Walking over to the other end of
the room, I face the mirror and stare at the tattoo.
Yes, this is something I won't share with anyone. It's
a symbol of what could've been, of all that I had lost.
And it's to remind me to never again commit the mistake
of getting involved with anybody or anything but the
cause.
But enough introspection, I really
do need rest. Tomorrow is my first day as strategist, a
new position granted to me by Dornkirk to herald my
decision. One of my duties is to oversee a newly formed
division called the Dragonslayers. First thing in the
morning I would be briefed as to the purpose of
assembling this new squad along with the Dragonslayer
commander, some fellow named Dilandau�
* * * * *
Blah-blah-blahs from the author:
You know, one great thing about the
Vision of Escaflowne series (actually there are
countless stuff but I'll stick to this one thing) is
that it's so damned open-ended that you can make up
your own story and fill-up your own blanks.
Like I was thinking, Folken never
explained how or why he got that funky tear tattoo
which wasn't there when he was still a Fanelian prince
(check out the flashback sequences) or why he left the
Madoshi and when I remembered that Dilandau was created
by the Madoshi then I thought, hmmm�there's a story
here.
Okay, I know some stuff in the fic
are screwy. E.g. the timeline, Dilandau should've
emerged shortly after they kidnapped Serena because he
obviously should've had enough time between then and
the war to complete his training with piloting
guymelefs. But I made it so that the Madoshi couldn't
release him sooner because he lapsed into the Serena
persona several times before they finally got it right.
I just figured they inputted all of Dilandau's
knowledge in between lapses. You know, that sort of
screwy stuff. Whatever, this is my copyright
infringement of the Esca epic, I can write whatever I
want-no matter how illogical.
Seriously, I just kinda enjoyed the
irony that the person he loved and lost-the reason why
Folken became so distant and tortured-was the same
person he's always trying to restrain and rein in. And
he never found out!
Plus I found it fun to speculate
about what kind of personality Serena had before her
spirit was broken by the Dilandau experience.
Anyway, send your comments and
criticisms to [email protected]. Why? It's a writer
thing.