Why is suicide such a  big deal? Let's face it, there's plenty of us who are

just not suited to life on Earth. And life really isn't easy, it's a huge pain in the ass. It's

not for everyone. And we're pretty badly overpopulated, so what's the problem with

letting those who can't cut it opt out?  There's all these laws against assisted suicide and

all this shit. Why? Why do people think life is so precious? If anything, nature teaches us

life is cheap and expendable. Humans are just self-important and sentimental. They think

every life matters. Hah! And how many times have humans themselves proven that idea

to be a complete joke? I say, if you're tired of living, go on to the next life! Happy Trails to

You! If you couldn't cut the mustard among the living you're probably doing yourself and

the world a favor by snuffing out your useless life. Here's some helpful hints to make the

transition to the eternal dirt nap an easier one.

►  Using a gun for a suicide is messy. Think of the people who will have to clean up the

     mess afterwards. Hanging or poison are much cleaner and considerate ways of killing

     yourself.

► Don't threaten suicide as a cry for help or to get attention. Wimp. If you're gonna off yourself,

     just do it. Some of us have things to do.

►  Jumping off a building may seem like a good way to go, but be aware you may change your

     mind halfway down the fall, and that would suck because you'll die feeling like an idiot.

►  If you decide to burn or electrocute yourself, make sure you die with a steak or pork chop

     in each hand. The cops who come check out the scene later may be hungry.

►  Be sure to leave a will and last testament behind before you go. Then again, if you're doing

     well enough to be able to leave money or assets to your family or friends after you die, you

     may not wan to kill yourself after all. If you're poor, yeah, go for it.

That's it. Have a great suicide!

The preceding column should not have been read by people suffering from depression. I should've said that at the

beginning. My bad.

Click here to wake up and smell the doody