>>>11/14/05
No one is perfect. That's a common and well known fact. We all make mistakes in our lives, and some mistakes we tend to regret. Actually, in most cases any mistake we ever made we wish we never did. Some of them we learn to accept, and others it is hard to.
I've decided to view the decisions and paths I've chose in my life not as "mistakes", but as misguided choices - or maybe I'm just re-wording it for my own benefit. Nothing in this life is a mistake, because it's all a lesson. Some we don't learn right away until later. Regrets are something we can't help to feel. We all try so hard to live a perfect life, that once we choose a misguided choice, we tend to regret it because we think, now we're not perfect; with the thought of knowing that 'no one is perfect'.
However, perfection, if there is any, is accepting defeat. Accepting failure. Accepting the misguided choices we've made. Accepting that not everything is wonderful. Accepting that shit happens. Perfection, if there is any, is learning from the failure we've faced with.
In love, perfection is the acceptance of imperfections of a person. Perfection in life, is the acceptance of your own imperfections and failures.
Those who regret and mope, are those who are in denial of what they've done.
>>>11/02/05
i had a conversation with a dear friend today that made me think of what i wrote a long time ago. i've been through relationships that made me hate the person i was back then. i look back and wish i knew the things i did today, but at the same time i'm glad that i didn't.
i wrote this next piece when i was only 17 years old. i have to say this is my favorite.
i`m always hearing how we are all too young to know what love is. when exactly then, do we know about love? sometimes those who are even in their 30`s, still aren`t sure what love really is.
yet, love has no real definition - as cliche as that sounds - it is all feelings. feelings ranging from pleasure to pain, happiness to sorrow. love is everything you could ever feel - jealousy and obsession. admiration and belief. love is simply.. a profound feeling that you get when you`re around a person (or persons). it is the increased heartrate, yet the calmness you get from just a simple touch or whisper from their lips. love is the acceptance of everything they are - flaws and imperfections - yet seeing them to be so perfect and wonderful in your eyes.love is believing in them, helping them, listening to them, wiping their tears for them, being grateful for them, happy for them, sacrificing time, energy, yourself for them. love is wanting them to be happy, and going through any means possible for them to be happy - even if it means not being able to be with them.
love is not selfish, and to love is to put them before you. love is knowing no matter what mistakes or faults they do, you love them no less for it. love is knowing they will hurt you. to be in love - you are setting yourself up for the greatest fall of all time. you are all fools to think that you`ll never get hurt, because love is that.. love WILL hurt you. yet, it will lift you up. love will cure broken hearts, just as well as it`ll cause broken hearts.
love is everything you know, and everything you believe in. love conquers all, and is all.love doesn`t just happen though. you create it. this world of pain, lust, desire, happiness.. is all created by you and by love. to want to be in love, you`ve got to be sure you are ready for it. love has no age determination, nor maturity.
it`s if you`re ready - and even if you aren`t, love will hit you regardless. to crush is to like. to like is to love. to love is to fall.
>>>10/31/05
we come to another chapter.
back in October 19th, i wrote an entry (side note: i wrote everything myself including the quoted entry. reason i quoted it, was because it was suppose to depict a random entry from a story -- as in, the story of my life.)....
Somewhere in the middle of the story..
"i feel entrapment laying there. i'm staring at the ceiling fan spin as his hands caress around my body. is this what it feels like.. to feel disgust. i'm worth more than that keeps repeating in my mind, as i push him off and tell him i'm leaving. he's holding me back and grabbing my waist, but i push him off once more and give a serious look like, i'm serious. i walk out and i smell fresh rain on the pavement; much better than the smell of possible cheap sex. don't look back, it's a sign of weakness. the sun peaks through the gray clouds with a tint of blue, and i exhale a sigh of relief that i question if it's more of a sigh of freedom. i light up a cigarette because i'd rather taste the nicotine."
and at the end, the girl --
well, i don't know how the story ends quite yet..
i think this was just the climax, or the beginning..
to another chapter..
When things were going well...
"and with each kiss does each scar go away. with each moment he looks at me with that smirky-wink smile, do i forget everything around me and everything that i once hated about me. is this love? i think. and i think to myself how i have never felt this way. how he's the first to ever really love me. there were others, oh how there were so many others, but none could compare now. this feeling i've never felt before. the cigarette taste is no longer there. i no longer have this urge to want to escape for freedom, because i'm already free when i'm with him. i feel now. i feel when i haven't felt for so long. the numbness is gone. the heart is beating. i've fallen."
>>>10/26/05
i'm a person, who always remembers.. who can never forget.. who always holds on. little things like, where i parked my car.. always slips my mind. but things like.. who did me wrong.. who made my day.. and even other things where i wake up everynite at a certain time, because someone would always happen to call around that time on my cell. those are things i remember... even when i don't want to anymore.
it's all etched in my heart and my mind. when someone does me wrong, i look at it in so many different perspectives. i think, instead, what did i do.. that caused them to behave that way? i start to pick at myself.. i start bringing out more flaws in me. that's why i always say, i am my worst enemy and biggest critisizer.
>>>10/24/05
ehh.. i think that's it for now. anyway, wednesday is my parents wedding anniversary. i look at my parents, and though they've fought a lot when i was younger, i've never seen a man love a woman as much, as my dad loves my mom. he praises the ground she walks on. he is proud to show her off to the world, and let the world know that she is his wife. even when my mom isn't dressed up, i still hear him call her beautiful. course, she is. =P my dad would fall apart if my mom ever left him. he loves her soo much, it makes me cry just thinking about it. because it's so sweet.. so cute.. they even still hold hands. i hope, like my grandparents, that they go on to celebrate 50 wonderful years.
today means a lot of different things.. time to reflect, to myself.
