Exctasy Arcade Episode 16 Season 2 "Lassie was Murdered by the People from Manchu Wok" ______________________________________________ *At Russ's House* Russ - Oh Jackie's Mom. I never knew true love until I found you. Jackie's Mom - Oh Russ. I think it's time we tell the world how we feel about each other. Russ - Are you sure? Jackie's Mom - Yes.. Russ - So.... You want to run off and get married? Jackie's Mom - YES!!! Russ - Oh I'm the happiest little boy in the world! (Russ's Mom walks over.) Russ's Mom - Excuse me. What do you think you are doing to my son? Jackie's Mom - WE ARE GETTING MARRIED!!! Russ's Mom - Over my dead body. Jackie's Mom - Don't make me hurt you. Russ's Mom - Oh you want to fight? Jackie's Mom - I'll kick yo ass biatch. Russ's Mom - Oh just you try it! (Russ's Mom and Jackie's Mom throw down and it's on. They fight. Jackie's Mom grabs Russ's Mom by the hair and yanks her down to the floor. Oakwood and Adrian try to break it up, but they can't do it.) Karisa - Like oh my god! Do totally something! *looking at Donald Trump* *eating a honey bun* Donald Trump - What? *chew* (Russ stands up on a table and yells.) Russ - STOP!!!!!!!!!!1 (Russ's Mom and Jackie's Mom stop fighting.) Russ - Why can't you understand mom. I love Jackie's mom and we are going to get married....... TONIGHT! Russ's Mom - Oh my little boy is getting married. Oakwood - This is getting sick. Kenny - Yeah it is. Brine - Lets go watch reruns of The Facts of Life. Oakwood - YEAH! That Mrs. Garret is hot. Kenny - I'm partial to Tootie. (Kenny, Oakwood, and Brine walk off.) Russ - They are just jealous.... Jealous of our love!!! (Russ embraces Jackie's mom.) ______________________________________________ *to the mall we go* (Jason is walking around the arcade slowly.) Jackie - Jason... For the last time. You can't do that. You are scaring off our customers. Jason - CRIKEY! Jackie - WHAT?!?!? Jason - Don't interupt a master at work. Jackie - What are you working on now? Jason - See that over there. (Jason points to Gaurav.) Jackie - ... Jason - That's the elusive Subway Creature. He looks innocent but has a deadly bite! Jackie - That's it... (Jackie walks into the office. He throws his keys down. He picks up the phone. He calls Melanie.) Jackie - Melanie... Get your ass up here.. I quit. (Jackie then calls Mr. Hayes.) Jackie - I quit. Ok. Bye. (Jackie slams the phone down and walks out of the office. He heads out.) Jason - CRIKEY! Where are you going? You scared away the Subway creature! Jackie - CRIKEY! I'm going home and hoping that something really bad happens to everyone here in the mall! Jason - Well.... That's not very bloody nice. Jackie - AHHHHHH!!!!! (Jackie rips out his hair and runs out of the mall screaming. He passes Melanie. She turns around and looks.) Melanie - What's wrong with him? Oh well... (Melanie walks in. She sees Jason.) Jason - Crikey! Is that.... *SMACK* (Melanie smacks Jason across the face.) Jason - What was that for? Melanie - YOU BEST NOT BE USING NONE OF THAT CROC CRAP ON ME.. I'm the new manager up in here and what I say goes... So you shut yo mouth or leave my sto. Jason - Yes Ma'am. (Just then Ozzie Canseco, Jose Canseco's brother comes in.) Ozzie Canseco - Has anyone here seen a guy by the name of Keith Adams? Jason - No, why? Ozzie Canseco - I'm his new sidekick janitor!!! Jason - Oh... I'm sorry. ______________________________________________ *Back to Russ's house* Russ's Mom - Now, if you guys are really going to get married then.... well.... Russ.. We need to have a talk. Russ - A talk? Russ's Mom - THE talk... Russ - THE talk? Russ's Mom - Yes... I need to talk to you about............. SEX *sex echos loudly* Russ - SEX? *Sex echos loudly* Russ's Mom - SEX *sex echos loudly* Russ - Hey that echo is cool...... SEX *sex echos loudly* Russ's Mom - Son.... You see.... When a man... and a woman..... well.... when they.... (Mr. T walks up.) Mr. T - Yo foos. Whatchu doin? Russ's Mom - I was just explaining to my son about sex. Mr. T - I pity the mom who explain to their son about sex. Russ's Mom - Well, what do you suggest? Mr. T - I suggest we show him sexy... Russ's Mom - OH MR. T!!!!!!!1 *Russ's Mom and Mr. T do it in front of Russ.* *43 seconds later* Mr. T - Now that was good. Russ's Mom - Wow..... I pity the fool that's your wife. Russ - Oh my god.... I'm scarred for life. (A knock on the door. Who could it be? Taco opens the door. It's Scott!) Karisa - Like totally Scott! Sarah - Hey Scott. Scott - What's up guys. Taco - *leer* Scott - What's your problem? Taco - ... Scott - Obviously you have a problem. Taco - Not really... it just said at the end of last episode we were supposed to fight, so, I just assumed. Scott - Ah. (Taco swings at Scott and lands a right punch righ on the side of his face. Scott falls down.) Sarah - TACO! Karisa - Like ouch! Taco - I.E.I. Papa Smurf - All this violence... LA LA LALALA LA LA LALA LA LA.... LA LA LALALA LA LA LALA LA LA.... Hey... *looks into camera* Any of you ever wonder what color it is? (The camera nods) Papa Smurf - You wanna see it? (The camera nods again.) (Papa Smurf reaches down and pulls out his pocket watch.) Papa Smurf - It's all nice and shiny. I just cleaned it. ______________________________________________ *some river somewhere* (We see a van sitting next to a river. We see a really fat man walking around the van. It's world known motivational speaker Matt Foley. The woodchuck from episode 13 walks up to Matt.) Matt Foley - Now Mr. Woodchuck. It has come to my attention that you need some help. Woodchuck - **** you. Matt Foley - Watch the language. Children are watching. *pulling up his pants, sweating a lot, worse than Daniel* Woodchuck - go to hell you fat ******. Matt Foley - Now sit down.... And listen to what I have to say. *pulling up his pants, pushing up his glasses* Woodchuck - I'll stand you ******* son of a *****. Matt Foley - Now.... My name is Matt Foley. I'm thriced divorced.. and I LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER. Woodchuck - You're ******** me right? Matt Foley - No. *pulling up pants, pushing up glasses, sweating* Woodchuck - So, let me get this straight. Your fat ass lives here in this ******* van. Matt Foley - That's correcto mr. Chucko. Woodchuck - Well.... I have a question for you. Matt Foley - Let me guess. *pulling up pants, pushing up glasses*... Your question is... HOW much WOOD could a WOODCHUCK chuck IF A woodchuck COULD chuck wood? *laughing, pulling up pants, pushing up glasses* Woodchuck - Oh you are so ******* funny. Don't **** with me Foley. Matt Foley - Sorry... Sorry.. Don't be so touchy. Woodchuck - No, my question for you is.. How the **** does your fat ass fit in that ******* van? Matt Foley - I can see we are having problems communicating. *pulling up pants, pushing up glasses* Woodchuck - What part of that did you not understand you ******? Matt Foley - ... Woodchuck - Now then... You want to know about me? My name is woodchuck... I have 6 wives and I live in a dam in the ******* river. Matt Foley - ... Woodchuck - And I'm here today to show my sexy ass to all you viewers out there... What can I say... Ratings spike right here baby... *points to his little woodchuck crotch* *sigh* ______________________________________________ *The mall* (Ozzie Canseco is waiting for Keith to arrive. Just then Jackie's Mom walks in with a wedding dress on.) Jackie's Mom - Is Jackie here? I have some news for him. Ozzie Canseco - He quit. Jackie's Mom - Who are you? Ozzie Canseco - I'm Ozzie Canseco... Jose Canseco's brother. Jackie's Mom - Oh. Why are you here? Ozzie Canseco - I'm going to be Keith Adams' sidekick janitor. Jackie's Mom - I'm sorry. (Melanie walks up.) Melanie - Hey Jackie's mom. Jackie's Mom - Hey Melanie. Melanie - Why are you in a wedding dress? Jackie's Mom - I'm getting married. Melanie - REALLY?!?! To who? Jackie's Mom - RUSS!!! Melanie - WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jackie's Mom - Yeah... I need to talk to Jackie. Melanie - I wouldn't do that... He isn't going to be happy. (Russ, Kenny, Oakwood, and Adrian walk up. Russ hugs Jackie's mom.) Melanie - This is weird. Russ - We are in love. I'm going to be Jackie's new dad. Oakwood - Who are you? *looking at Ozzie Canseco* Ozzie Canseco - Ozzie Canseco... Jose Canseco's brother. Oakwood - Why are you here? Ozzie Canseco - I'm going to be Keith Adams' assistant janitor. Russ - ooooohhhh...... Oakwood, Kenny, Russ, Adrian - We're sorry... (Just then a ravid dog runs into the mall and rips off Adrian's head.) Kenny - Oh my god. Russ - He killed Adrian! Oakwood - damn dog.... (RJ walks up.) RJ - What happened here? Russ - Oh. Some dog ripped off Adrian's head. RJ - That's gotta suck... Kenny - Yeah. RJ - I heard you were getting married Russ. Russ - I am... to Jackie's Mom. RJ - Wow. She's hot. Jackie's Mom - *blush* RJ - Who is that? *looking at Ozzie Canseco* Ozzie Canseco - For the last time!!! I am Ozzie Canseco... Jose Canseco's younger brother and I'm here to become assistant janitor to Keith Adams. RJ - *shaking his head* Ozzie Canseco - What? RJ - Oh.. nothing... Ozzie Canseco - You people are weird. (Jackie walks back in.) Jackie - I forgot my wallet... What the hell is going on here. Mom?!?!? Why are you in a wedding dress... And... who are you? *looking at Ozzie Canseco* Melanie - Russ is marrying your mom and this is Ozzie Canseco, Jose Canseco's younger brother. He is going to be Keith's assistant janitor. Jackie - *pause*..... *looks up at Russ.... at his mom..... then over at Ozzie Canseco*.... I'm sorry man. *patting Ozzie on the back* (Donald Trump walks up eating a honey bun.) Donald Trump - Hey... *chewing* Anybody know of a good place to buy lawn darts? Everyone - ... ______________________________________________ *fin* NEXT TIME ON EXCTASY ARCADE...SEASON 2 ...........????????????????????????? BE SURPRISED!!!!!!! EXCTASY ARCADE EXCLUSIVE...... If you'd like to chat with Jackie's Mom.... You can send her an instant message over AIM.... Her screen name is: loosehocullman69 She is looking forward to hearing from all of you!! "One Small Choice" by Audiovent from the Cd: Dirty Sexy Knights in Paris Sometimes I wonder how it all would be If only one thing happened differently And time will tell What will become of us One small choice Just one small choice And what if I had never decided this? Would I be here? Or be gone? And all I've ever wanted Is just to see how it would be One small choice Sometimes I wonder what it's like to fly So easy One small choice could end my life I'd take the second chance To make things right Just one small choice And what if I had never decided this? Would I be here? Or be gone? And all I've ever wanted Is just to see how it would be One small choice Need it Feed it Can't re-seed it Why? What if I had never decided this? Would I be here? Or be gone? And all I've ever wanted Is just to see how it would be One small choice And all I've ever wanted Is just to see how it would be One small choice