Exctasy Arcade Episode 15 Season 2 "So... Is That Osama Bin Laden In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?" ______________________________________________ (The scene opens up in the arcade. We see Jackie feverishly trying to fix DDR before the store opens. Just then Jason walks up.) Jason - Crikey! You're finally fixing the pad? Jackie - Yep. Jason - It's about bloody time. Jackie - I know. Jason - Can I come n watch u fix it up close and personal? Jackie - Ummmmmm....... Jason - I just want to get so close to it.... AND GRAB IT... Jackie - Ummmmm...... (Jason slowly raises the gate. He looks around and slowly walks in.) Jason - Be very very quiet.... I'm hunting..... Jackie - What are you doing? Jason - SHHHHHH!!!!! It's right over there. Jackie - What is....? Jason - CRIKEY! IT'S BLOODY GETTING AWAY! (Jason starts running through the arcade screaming "Come Back here you bloak". Jackie just shakes his head and goes back to fixing the DDR pad.) Jackie - ....Why am I still here. ______________________________________________ *Cullman County Jail* (Jennifer is being led into a cell with chains around her wrists and ankles by two large fat cops. They put her in her cell. Just then..... Matlock comes walking in.) Matlock - So is this the girl? (Matlock points at the toilet in the cell.) Fat Police Dude #1 - Ummmm.... No Mr. Matlock, that's a toilet. Matlock - Oh. I need my glasses. I can't see without my glasses. Where are my glasses. (The two fat police guys look at each other and shake their heads.) Fat Police Dude #2 - It's ok Mr. Matlock, someone will bring your pills soon. Matlock - I need my glasses. I can't see without my glasses. Where are my glasses. (One of the fat police dudes pull out a needle and shove it into Matlock's arm. Matlock falls over in the floor clutching his chest.) Matlock - What did you do to me. Fat Police Dude #2 - We injected you with a lethal dose of old person killer. You will die soon. Matlock - I need my glasses. (Matlock dies on the jail cell floor. Everyone hangs their head. Just then...... Perry Mason waddles in.) Perry Mason - So, is this the girl? (Perry Mason shoves a hoho in his mouth.) Fat Police Dude #1 - Hey, do you have another one of those? Perry Mason - Yeah.. Hold *he begins to gag* Fat Police Dude #2 - Oh my god. He is choking on a hoho. Someone call 911. (The first fat police dude pulls out his cell phone. He dials 911. His partners phone rings.) Fat Police Dude #2 - Hello. Fat Police Dude #1 - Is this 911? Fat Police Dude #2 - Ummmm.. Yeah. Who is this? Fat Police Dude #1 - I need to report a choking victim. Fat Police Dude #2 - You sound familar. Do I know you? (Just then Jennifer walks over to the fat police dudes. She knees one in the groin and then headbutts the other. She begins to slowly waddle out of the jail. Just then... Jose Canseco walks into the jail. He looks around. He sees Jennifer. It's love at first sight. They embrace.) *1 week later* Jennifer - Jose. I think I want to see other people. *awkward pause* ______________________________________________ *At Russ's house* (Russ, Oakwood, Adrian, Brine, some random mexican named Taco, Russ's mom, The Real RJ, Halley, Karisa, Sarah, Donald Trump, Jackie's Mom, Ed O'Neal, and Papa Smurf are sitting around a large table. Russ's mom is at the head of the table in front of a crystal ball. They've all joined hands.) Russ's Mom - So.... We are here tonight to conjure up the spirit of Kenny. Oh Kenny. We are here to.... to..... see you in the afterlife. Oh Kenny. Come to us. Come to us like you came on me the other night. (Russ shakes his head.) Russ's Mom - I mean... I mean... Just... show yourself. (Just then Kenny walks in the room.) Kenny - Hey Guys. (Everyone looks up.) Karisa - Like Oh my god. It's totally Kenny. Brine - I thought you were dead. Taco - C. Donald Trump *with honey bun in hand* You know... I think I'm gonna get fat if I keep eating all of these honey buns. *bite* Russ - Hey Kenny. What's up? Kenny - Not much. Russ - Cool. Papa Smurf - Anybody wanna play pin the tail on the donkey? (Everyone looks puzzeled.) Papa Smurf - I mean... Lets play spin the bottle. Everyone - ok! (Russ's mom pulls a bottle from her ass. She puts it on the table.( Russ's Mom - Me first. (She spins the bottle and it lands on Ed O'Neal.) Russ's Mom - Oh come here Eddie. Ed O'Neal - Oh god (Ed pulls out a gun and kills himself. He falls in the floor dead.) Kenny - OH my god... Ed O'Neal..... Killed himself!!! YOU BASTARD!!! *yet another awkward pause* ______________________________________________ Act 4: All Things begin with "J" (Just over at the arcade.) (Jason is still running around looking for what he thinks is..... a croc.) Jason - Crikey where did it go? Jackie - Where did what go you psychotic freak? Jason - The Croc! What else! Jackie - Damn it man... There are no Crocs in Alabama. Jason - Crikey! You might be right. (Just then James comes in.) James - Hey. Jason - Crikey! What's that! Jackie - That's James. Jason - What.... That's one weird creature. James - Yo. Jackie - Why does Jon have to put all the people that start with a "J" in the same scene. It's so confusing..... (Just then Jon walks in.) Jackie - Funny. Jon - Sup dawgs? Jackie - Ummmmm.... Hey Jon. (Just then 147 hot girls swarm around Jon.) Jon - Ok ladies... One at a time... One at a time... Jason - Crikey! He is so bloody fantastic. James - Yep. Jackie - I wish I were like Jon. Jason - Don't we all... (Just then Jennifer walks in.) Jennifer - Hey guys. James - Yo. Jason - Crikey! What do my eyes see? What creature is that? Jackie - Ugh..... (Jackie pulls out a gun and swings it around.) Jackie - THATS IT!!!!! YOUVE ALL DRIVEN ME INSANE!!!!!! I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! (Jackie grabs James and takes him hostage.) Jon - Oh silly Jackie. You shouldn't do that. It's not safe. You could hurt someone. Jackie - That's the whole point!!!! Jon - Now Now... Calm down... We all have stress... There are easier ways to relieve than holding people hostage. Jackie - Oh yeah... WHAT?!?!? Jon - Be like me.... Donate your time to local charities... Go help the old people... Give blood... Help poor animals find homes... You know... All those good things I do... (Jackie has tears in his eyes. He drops the gun. He embraces Jon.) Jackie - Oh Jon... You're right, you're so fantastic. Jon - I know... I know... It's ok... Jason - CRIKEY!!! I THINK I SEE A RARE ASIAN CROC!!! *looks over at Mr. Hakky* ______________________________________________ *Russ's house* (Everyone is crowding around the dead body of Ed O'Neal.) Russ's Mom - And I really liked him on Married with Children. Russ - Eh.... Kenny - Hey Russ. Russ - Hey Kenny. Karisa - LIKE LETS KEEP PLAYING SPIN LIKE THE TOTALLY BOTTLE! Oakwood - MY TURN!!! (Oakwood spins the bottle. It lands on Adrian. Oakwood looks into Adrian's eyes. Adrian looks into Oakwood's eyes... THEY KISS..... ON THE LIPS.) *please don't beat me up Oakwood. Jackie made me write that.* Karisa - LIKE MY TURN!!!!!1 (Karisa spins the bottle and it lands on.......... Donald Trump. Donald Trump looks up. Half of his honey bun is in his mouth. He begins to chew.) Donald Trump - What? (Karisa walks over to Donald Trump. He is still chewing. The other half of his honey bun is in his hand.) Karisa - Like come here you totally hunk of man. (Karisa grabs Donald and kisses him on the lips. She pulls away. Donald starts spitting out his honey bun and wiping his mouth.) Donald Trump - You wasted a perfectly good honey bun. (Russ grabs the bottle..... He spins it.... It lands on..... his mom.) Russ - Ummmm..... No. Russ's Mom - It's just a game. Russ - I'd rather kiss Jackie's Mom. Jackie's Mom - OK! (Jackie's Mom rushes over and embraces Russ and starts kissing him. Russ seems to enjoy it. We can only imagine where this will lead.) ______________________________________________ *Once again we return to the mall. Don't you just love the mall?* (Jackie, James, and Jennifer are standing around talking. Just then Jason comes running back into the store.) Jason - CRIKEY! Jackie - Now what. Jason - Do any of you bloaks know who Betty White is. James - Sure. Jason - Well.... She told me if I find her beaver I can give it a big kiss on the lips!!! Jackie - ... Jennifer - ... James - ... Jason - What?!?! ______________________________________________ *fin* Next time on EXCTASY ARCADE... Season 2 Someone gets married... Someone dies... Taco fights Scott... Can Jason find Betty White's....... beaver? Special Guest Apperances by: The Woodchuck Matt Foley Jose Canseco's brother Ozzie Canseco and other random people my sick mind brings in... "Stay and Drown" by Finger Eleven from the CD: The Greyest of Blue Skies Good God have I been dreaming This paralyzing feeling Was I left alone? Where have you gone? Were you somewhere else just sleeping? If I wait to wake you I'll never ask you Would you take my hand? In the deepest end Would you stay and drown in me? Take my hand In the deepest end My open eyes see everything But I'm passing all the days through a window pane And as the scene would change I'd stay the same This paradise was nothing new But the paradise gets tired of you A single conversation Stole my attention Would you take my hand? In the deepest end Would you stay and drown in me? Take my hand In the deepest end Would you stay and drown in me? My open eyes see everything And you see nothing And don't forget it Would you take my hand? In the deepest end Would you stay and drown in me? Take my hand In the deepest end Would you stay and drown in me? Take my hand In the deepest end Would you stay and drown in me? Stay and drown in me Would you stay and drown in me?