Exctasy Arcade Episode #9 "The Cow Goes Moo, The Pig Goes Oink, The Duck Goes Quack, The Cat Goes Meow, The Dog Goes Woof, The Sheep Goes Baaaa, The Lion Goes Growl, Russ Goes C." Last time on EXCTASY ARCADE -Jennifer was captured and then eaten by a large lizard like beast we will now call "Captain Big Lizard Creature Thing". -Jason was converted from Peter to Jason. -Brian's new dance backfires as The Greeks take over Madison Square Mall. And Now...... (Corny little theme song... Corny little intro...) ________________________________________________________________________ (The Greeks are slaughtering people throughout the mall.) Jackie - This doesn't look good guys. Jason - No it doesn't. Jackie - Why are they here? Jason - Who knows, but I think we should find a place to hide. (Just then Mr. Hakky whips out his nunchucks and goes on a Greek killing spree. Brandon has a hammer and is helping out. Jackie, Jason, and Brian all sneak out of the mall, leaving Melanie behind.) Jason - What about Melanie? Brian - Oh screw her, she's stupid anyway. Jason - I thought you were in love with her. Brian - That was before I got beat up by that janitor guy. He really knocked some sense into me. Jackie - Yeah, well, I think one of us needs to go in and get her. Jason - I'm not going back in there. Jackie - We will flip a coin.... Heads Brian goes back in.... Tails neither of us go back in *looking at Jason*. Jason - Sounds good to me... *Jackie flips the coin up in the air.* Brian - Ummmm... Guys, that doesn't seem fair. *The coin lands on heads.* Jackie - Good luck Brian. (Jackie and Jason walk off as Brian turns back and looks at the mall.) Brian - Oh screw it, she'll manage. (Brian walks away.) ________________________________________________________________________ *Crestwood Hopsital* (We see James in a hospital gown. A doctor walks in. He has a chart.) Doctor - This is incredible. I've never seen a male bearing a child before. And you say you don't know who the.... father is? James - Nope. Doctor - Well, I think we need to find this out because I want to know just how you got pregnant. James - Yep. Doctor - Have you been anywhere the past few weeks? James - Texas. Doctor - What happened there? James - Nothing. Doctor - Damn it Jim, give me more than one word answers!!! James - Ok. (The doctor smacks James across the face.) Doctor - Don't you realize what this means... It means..... You've been in pregnated by an something not of this planet! James - Wow. ________________________________________________________________________ *At a daycare center somewhere in Huntsville* (We see Karisa making a tower out of legos. Just then a small toddler stumbles by and knocks her tower over. Karisa begins to cry.) Karisa - Like oh my god! *tears* Why did you like do that?! I had it like built up to totally 7 blocks high. I'm totally sad! (Karisa's teacher walks up to her.) Teacher - There There dear.... It will be ok. Why don't you read this book. (Her teacher hands her a book.) Karisa - Like oh my god! Can I color?!?! Teacher - No.... This is for you to READ. Karisa - Like Read? Teacher - Yes.... you know.. Where you look at the words and sound them out and put it all together. Karisa - Like oh my god! I totally have never read before! Like oh my god! Teacher - Oh dear. (The teacher walks away...... 5 minutes later.... The teacher walks back with "Hooked On Phonics" in her hand.) Teacher - Here... Now use this and you will learn to read! Karisa - Like oh my god! Groovy! ________________________________________________________________________ *At Russ' house* ("Macho Man" by the Village People is playing loudly in the background. Russ is once again cleaning his room. This time he is wearing a ballerina's outfit. He is dancing mouthing off "Macho Macho Man, I want to be your Macho Man". Just then Russ' friend Kenny walks in.) Kenny - What the hell are you doing? Russ - Oh.... *tries to cover himself up*.... Ummmm.... I was just.. Damn it, who let you in here? Kenny - I knocked on the door and your mom just let me in. She said something about she thought it was her next appointment... And why is she wearing that.... that.... lingerie stuff? Russ - Ugh.... Nevermind that.. Could you please leave while I change... Kenny - Ok. (Kenny walks out of Russ' room. Russ slams the door. He cuts off the music. Kenny waits patiently. *45 minutes later* Russ opens the door. He is dressed in.... Well... guy clothes.) Russ - Ok Kenny, you can come in now. (Kenny walks in.) Kenny - So.... What's up? (Russ pulls out a nail file and holds it to Kenny's throat.) Russ - If you tell anyone about this. I'll... I'll..... Do bad things to you! Kenny - Ok. I won't tell. (Russ puts away his nail file. He looks down at his fingernail and pulls it back out and files it down. He then walks over and grabs some lotion he got from Bath and Body Works and puts it on his hands.) Russ - This smells so good. Kenny - Dude, you are freaking me out. So, why are you off today? Russ - Oh yeah... Some Greeks took over the mall and stuff... So, wanna go to the mall? Kenny - Sure. (Kenny and Russ leave, headed for the mall.) ________________________________________________________________________ *Back at Crestwood Hospital* (James is still sitting, waiting. Just then the Doctor comes back in.) Doctor - I have some REALLY bad news for you. James - Ok. Doctor - It seems as if you are going to give birth to what we humans call.... An alien. James - Oh. Doctor - We ran some more tests and it seems as if the father of your baby is..... *****URGENT NEWSFLASH***** Reporter - As reported yesterday, a large panda was found dead behind Circuit City. Today, we are sad to bring you another horror story. It seems as if 73 cute little puppies have been slaughtered by an angry mob of Hispanics. These Hispanics were outraged when they found out that Taco Bell's beef is actually a grade lower than dog food. When ask for a comment on why they killed these poor innocent puppies, the leader of the group replied. "Yo Quiero Taco Bell".... Yo Quiero Taco Bell.... Just an evil death phrase uttered by these horrible, horrible people.... We will keep you updated on this situation... Wait... I'm being told something now..... It seems as if this angry mob isn't Hispanics at all.... It seems as if this angry mob is a group of elderly women angry because their nightly BINGO game was cancelled.... Will this grey haired terror be stopped? We will keep you posted.... Now back to your regularly scheduled program, already in progess. *****END NEWSFLASH***** Doctor - And that's who the father of your baby is. James - Wow. ________________________________________________________________________ *Back at the Daycare Center* (Karisa is sitting in front of a TV. She is watching a hooked on phonics video. She starts yelling out.) Karisa - Like A! Like B! Like C! Like D! Totally E! Oh My God F! Groovy G! So H! So I! Like J! Oh My God K! (Her teacher walks up and shuts off the video.) Teacher - Why do you say Like so much? Karisa - Like what do you totally mean so? Teacher - There you go again. You said Like, Totally, and so when you didn't need to. Karisa - Like totally. Teacher - I think I should meet with your parents. Karisa - Like... No Teacher - Like Why.. I mean.. Damn it child, see, now you even have me saying it. Whatcho problem foo? (Karisa begins to cry as her teacher turns into Mr. T.) Teacher - I pity the foo who say Like and Oh My God and all that nonsense. (Karisa runs off crying.) Teacher - I pity the foo who can't know their ABCs. (Karisa runs out of the daycare crying. Just then she sees Halley driving down the road. Halley swerves off the road, then back on the road, then into on coming traffic, then back across the road, into a ditch, out of the ditch, brushes a tree, brushes a light pole, smacks a mailbox, hits an old woman, runs over a cat, busts a fire hydrant, brushes another car, jumps a curb, side swipes a bus, bounces off of it and hits a dude on a bicycle, backs up and hits a small child, goes forward again only to run over the dude on the bicycle once more, keeps on driving, right into the daycare. She pauses. She backs out. Little children go running around screaming. Karisa walks up to the car.) Halley - Get in. Karisa - Like Totally Ok! (Karisa jumps in and off they go... A modern day Thelma and Louise... Oh.. Wait.. She just hit someone else... and there's another curb.... And a mailbox....) ________________________________________________________________________ *Back at the mall* (Russ and Kenny drive up. The Greeks are still putting up a good fight, although Brandon and Mr. Hakky have taken care of a lot of them. Russ and Kenny see Jackie, Jason, and Brian. They get out of Russ' car and go to meet them.) Russ - What's going on? Jackie - The Greeks are attacking! Russ - Damn. That sucks. (Just then we see Melanie crawling out of the mall. They all rush over to her.) Jason - Are you ok? Melanie - Like...... No *passes out* Jackie - Someone needs to get her to the hospital. (Just then she wakes back up.) Melanie - Like what's going on? Oh my god! I'm at the mall! Like how did I get here? Jackie - Nope... She's fine... (Just then some Greek's storm out of the mall. One of them runs by and stabs Kenny right through the chest. Kenny falls to the ground.) Russ - Oh My God. Jason - They Killed Kenny. Jackie - You Bastards! (fade to black) ________________________________________________________________________ Exctasy Arcade 2002 NBC A Jon Production Next time on.... EXCTASY ARCADE Inside Captain Big Lizard Creature Thing, Jennifer plots her escape. The Great Madison Square War continues... James goes into labor.... AND..... SOMEONE ELSE FROM OUR STORY...... DIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who dies next? Find out next time on...... EXCTASY ARCADE!!!!!!!!