Tar Blanket
An epic tale written by Speagsmanatee
One day in the magical land of Canada, a goat fell into a mud puddle. This mud puddle was not an ordinary mud puddle though, it was a radioactive mud puddle. Once the goat fell into it, it died. Although the goat was dead the radioactive juices effected the goats hooves. The hooves detached from the goat and started their reign of terror. They trained an army of flowers to attack the Statue of Liberty. When they reached the giant green French woman, a giant marshmallow fell from the sky and killed the hooves and the flower army. This marshmallow caused an earthquake in New York City. All of the people were so frightened, but the most frightened person was a young lad named the Trix rabbit. He had never successful tasted Trix cereal even though he was on the box. In fear of death by earthquake, he created a posse of other successful corporate logos. His posse included the Lucky Charms Leprechaun, Toucan Sam, Captain Crunch, The Kool-Aid Man, The Jolly Green Giant, Aunt Jemima, and Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear. They called themselves �The Tree Biters.� They created an evil plot to take over all of the cereal companies in the world. They had the most perfect plan, but unfortunately Toucan Sam was thrown in jail for public urination. When The Tree Biters went to go rescue them the jail exploded because someone forgot to replace the anti-exploding gas. This explosion was on the news worldwide. The people in Turkey were most shocked of all. In fact they were so shocked, that they wore three pairs of underwear. This gave the underwear businesses a sudden economic boost. People who made underwear suddenly became millionaires. One of these millionaires was a man named Carpus. Carpus used to be a traveling drywall salesman. He soon realized how drywall felt so good on his skin. The next day he invented the drywall underpants, which sold like wildfire. After he became an overnight success, people got jealous. They spread many false rumors about him. These rumors included things like, �I heard he once ate a bowling ball and danced on top of the moon� or �He painted a giant sculpture of Ernest Borgnine using recycled paper.� This made Carpus very sad. To cheer himself up he hired 56 midgets to dance to the Meow Mix jingle. After the dance, they realized they were not being treated like real human beings as they should be. They thought of creating a group called MAPTUEAC, which stood for Midgets are people too unlike elephants and cactuses. But before they could start, a band of Irish men kicked the midgets in the face and started beating them with sticks. This caused a rip in the space time continuum. For 4 seconds exactly, everything went crazy. People walked on their hands, wore giant cowboy hats, had tea parties, resurrected unicorns, and ate cornbread. Things were so screwed up. Once these 4 seconds ended, everything was back to normal, except for one thing. That thing was that basketballs were now replaced with cantaloupes. So they had to remake every single basketball in the entire world. They then realized that this was a huge waste of time, when they found out all the cantaloupes were replaced with basketballs. Now there was a overpopulation of basketballs on earth. So all the magicians in the world volunteered to get rid of them. They used magic powder and changed all of the extra basketballs into ducks with one leg. They then put all of the one legged ducks into a bag and flung them into the ocean using a giant sling shot. The bag floated down to the depths of the ocean. It was then eaten by a blue whale. This blue whale had also eaten a periodic table of elements, a piece of cake, a crystal ball, and a box of rice krispies. With these ingredients all together simmering in stomach acid, it created the world�s best superhero, EYE BRAUN. He may look like an ordinary man but he has the power to move his eyebrows of steel to any part of his body. He moved his eyebrows to his fists and busted out of the whale and swam up to the surface. He then moved his eyebrows to the top of his head and span them around like propellers and he flew over to Moscow. He then got rid of all crime in Russia. A man named Figley, hated Eye Braun though. He wanted to destroy him. He found it disturbing to talk to someone and see their eyebrows move all over their face. So he did some research and found out Eye Braun�s only weak spot. His weak spot was everywhere but his eyebrows. Meanwhile, Eye Braun was receiving an award for coolest pet, when Figley shot three guns at the same time at Eye Braun. Two of the bullets were deflected but the third bullet hit him right in the brain. This certainly was a sad day for Moscow. Many people attended the funeral, including Scooby Doo, Harry Potter, Gary Coleman, and many more. A woman named Fridger was also there. She was really a witch in disguise. She was wearing magic perfume, and whenever someone smelt it they would explode when the magic word was said. The magic word was carbohydrate. Luckily it was �Don�t Say Carbohydrate Week.� Unfortunately, many people were effected by this magic perfume. This perfume smelled like tofu and crab cakes mixed together, so as you can tell the smell was so unbelievably wonderful that most people could not get away from it. This gave a man by the name of Glarden an idea. He made a perfume that smelled like Chewbacca. It failed miserably and he was sent to jail for his terrible idea. While serving his time in jail, he made friends with a mouse. This mouse was really an astronaut trapped inside of a mouse�s body. He could only turn into an astronaut again if someone gave him a pillow. Glarden did not know this but he thought to himself, �what if I gave my pillow to that mouse.� So he threw his pillow on top of the mouse and it suffocated and died. After it died, the mouse turned into an astronaut. Glarden was then sentenced to the electric chair for killing an astronaut. The next day he was sitting in the electric chair, waiting to be killed, but the power was not working. The reason the power did not work was because it was a solar powered electric chair and there was a solar eclipse at that moment. The reason there was a solar eclipse was because the in the 4 seconds of craziness the moons place was moved to a different location. Due to strange lunar activity, scientists were up all night trying to figure out what new discoveries they could make. They were up day and night trying to figure out new things. Finally they discovered that solar eclipses cure cancer when you use soap at the exact moment it happens. Unfortunately once they obtained this information, the eclipse was over and the scientists were fired. Once the scientists were fired they all got drunk because of their pitiful worthless lives. The bartender of this bar gave out free urine soaked peanuts. That is why this bar is so popular. One day an unknown man walked into the bar. He started asking some really strange questions about the peanuts. He went up to the bartender and said, �have these peanuts been stepped on by trash men.� �No,� the bartender said. �Are these peanuts made from crayon shavings;� asked the strange man. �No,� said the bartender. �Are these peanuts full of carbohydrates---� and before he could say anymore, he exploded. As did many other people around the world, for they had smelt the witches perfume. All around the world, random people were exploding. When all the explosions were done, there was only about 2,000,000,000 people left on earth. It was a sad day for many. Many loved ones had perished in the terrible perfume accident. Things were really looking down, until a couple weeks later a man named Carlson invented an reversal-explosion gas. Carlson was later given the Nobel prize in physics. Later that evening Carlson was eaten by a giant lion. This lion was so proud of himself that he could eat a whole person. He went to brag to the other lions, when he found out that a penguin ate two people and a walrus. This angered the lion so much that he decided to eat the penguin. He went to eat the penguin but when he finally got to the penguin a giant husk of corn fell on him. The penguin laughed and then flew away into the sun. Anyways the point I am trying to make is that when giant golf balls roll down Mount Everest, all the castles in the world would sprout legs and kick unicorns into ice cream shops.