I made it to a Meeting today!  I fucking needed it, and the subject, 10th Step, was relevant to what I am going through now.  It talked of doing good deeds without good intentions, which is a great shortcoming/ character defect of my own.  I am dealing with that very thing with this "Big Secret", and it's deffinitely taking it's toll on me.  But it can not be helped, I made a promise to keep a secret, so I can't blab to people, and vent.  But I can vent about having a Big Secret, and I can work on my mental chatter, as I keep this secret, and toil to keep up my end of it.  If my motives can match my deeds, then I will be on the right path.

Unfortunately, I am not aligned like that.  My mind recoils while I dutifuly do my work on; and keep the Big Secret.  If this all seems absurdly vague and melodramatic, it's because it has to be vague, and it's friggin dramatic to ME!  I am trying to come to grip with things, but I can not control how I feel, and when I think about it, I get all twisted inside, I can't relax, I become discontent.  This is no mere passing deppression I fear.  It's now 2am, Tuesday Night/Wednesday Morning and I have been up since 5 am Monday Morning with no sleep insight.  Maybe I should try and write these things out on paper, and throw it into the "God Box", where I can much more specific.  I have to be up in 4 hours to check on the Big Secret if I do fall asleep I most likely won't wake on time.