I went Frisbee Golfing this morning, but the friggin mosiquitoes were so bad I only played 9 holes!  At least I got the lawn mowed and weed wacked this afternoon.

I have been thinking alot about spirituality today.  I read several sections of the Big Book today, sort of hopping from area to area.  I truly believe that I can't drink, nor did my way of living work.  I have swallowed that truth, hook, line and sinker.  I think this all might just be a lesson on how far I am willing to go, to surrender completely.  I have faith enough in AA to believe that I can only do what I can do, make myself prepared as possible, and not have expectations on the outcome.  I truly think I can believe that this is a good way to live, and I am trying to do this.  I think alot of my problem is that I have no faith at all that anything good will happen, and this attitude makes me balk at doing things that I know I must do.  Maybe myexpectations are just negative, and I am still planning outcomes, but they are always negative.  I am not sure.

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.  I believe that AA works.  I am not as certain that I am sane.  I think that if I had  a stronger belief in a higher power I might not feel this way.

Being still inexperienced and having just made concious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times.  I have been repeating this to myself often.  Just because I do not feel all fucking cuddley with my higher power doesn't mean that I should sack the whole program.  It just means that I am not feeling inspired.  This too shall pass.

It just scares me thatit has been hammered home to me:  Without reliance on a higher power sobriety, if any will be on shakey ground.  I am trying, will continue to try, will not give up.  I am commited to this life of sobriety.  Hopefully this is only another extension of my insecurities arisen from dealing with my DL Hearing and having to find a job.  We shall see.