Entry for February 15, 2008
I went to the 10am Church Street meeting this morning. I read the 24 hr Book, Daily Reflections and the Day by Day book. I read the 7th Step and the Preface, and forward to the first and second edition of the big book. I also talked to a "new" cult member, and he is now my sponsee. He seems very self motivated, I hope I can be ofservice to him, and don'tdo anything to undermine his sobriety. I also went to my Aunt's 60th Birthday Party, at a local bar. This wasn't a problem at all temptation wise, and I didn't feel at all uncomfortable. I had a good reason to go there, and I was spiritualy fit, so everything was good. I talked mostly to my cousin and his wife. I rarely see them, but I enjoy their company. I have a job lead from my cousin's wife! I have been having some problems with my thinking when it comes to my sponsor. He continues to tell me how he would lie on an application because he wanted to get a job, or how he would drive even though it was not in the listed restrictions of my license. I have been reading how I should aspire to the perfection of my higher power, not to only aspire to only get better enough to get bye. That character building is important, even if it costs me creature comforts. I have been reading how the quality of my sobriety is contingent on how true I am willing to be to my character building inspite of things that may be denied me because of staying true to myself. Not giving into my character defects, just because they get results in a material sence. Then I get confilting messages from my spnsor. "Lie to get a job" is justified to him. At least that is how I have understood him. I will not do that. I have noticed in the past that he seems to link material gains with benifits of the program. I know that is wrong, the benifits of the program are solely in my peace of mind, and in my spiritual health. All else is a pleasant bonus, not the goal. Yes I strived to gain my license, but it was not the sole reason of my sobriety. Of course, if things were never to get better, why stay sober at all?? But they way they get better, is my ability to cope with life on life's terms, whether that be broke, rich, or somewhere inbetween. Not for the first time, I am wondering if I have outgrown my sponsor. Perhaps I am reading things wrong, as I do so many times. I must watch myself, and not become self-righteous. I am not a saint, I may aspire to be humble and strive for perfection, instead of striving for "good enough", but I can't think I know more than my sponsor because I seem to have a difference of opinion on this matter. But it is ... saddening, really, to think that, if I am understanding his position correctly (I will most likely talk to him face to face about this in the next week, because as I write these thoughts out, it seems to be a more troubling idea to me) he thinks it's OK to indulge my character defects blantantly, as long as I get some material reward for it. If that is the case, I really have outgrown my sponsor.
