Tom Stone - Shut up, I don't make the cards, I just Ok the matches... this stipulation was added after the fact.

The Informer - Then shouldn't someone be fired for adding shit to a match that wasn't confirmed by you??

Tom Stone - Good point.... You try too hard!!

The Informer - No, thats common sense! Mr. Extreme bends down to pick up K-Dogg.... K-Dogg flips him over and off the cage!!! K-Dogg has the first fall!! K-Dogg now has to wait 30 seconds for Mr. Extreme to recover... What's he doing?? Oh no... He's setting up a table infront of Mr. Extreme!! The bell has rung, the 30 second rest has expired!! K-Dogg picks up Mr. Extreme... He pulls him back a good 10 feet from the table, he lifts him up...... K-BOMB THROUGH THE TABLE!!! K-Dogg has him beat, go for the cover!!! Mike Hunter counts, 1..... 2....... 3!!!! K-Dogg wins in 2 straight falls!

[K-Dogg won the match in 16 minutes and 44 seconds.]

Johnny Bones - Here is your winner, K-Dogg!!

Tom Stone - He went over his head when he challenged me for the Pay Per View!! Now look what he has gotten himself into!! And beleive me, there ain't no way im crawling around on a leash for a week.... No damn way.

The Informer - Hahhaha, wouldn't it be sweet to see Stone on a leash?? (Informer grabs a mic from his seat...) If you'd like to see Stone on a leash, gimme a Hell Yeah!!!

[The younger fans of the EWA proudly yell "HELL YEAH!!!"]

The Informer - I thought so!!

Tom Stone - You damn rip off... The EWA doesn't need a beer swinging lunatic to make it famous, If you'd like to see The Informer get mugged AGAIN, gimme a...... OLD SKOOL 4 LIFE!!!

[Nobody responds... The older EWA fans are too busy feeding the younger fans their asses on a silver plate.]

Tom Stone - AHAHAHAHAHH!!!!

The Informer - People like you make me sick...

Tom Stone - People like me enjoying seeing other suffer!!!

The Informer - You'll get your turn... What goes around, comes around. Adam Kress has Crazy Wild Man in a Boston Crab!! Crazy Wild Man almost has a hold of the ropes... Wait a minute, Brian Kress is waving a banana at Crazy Wild Man... What the hell?? WHAM!!! OUCH!! Crazy Wild Man got a banana in the eye!!! He's only got 1 eye left after that one... Adam releases the hold... Crazy Wild Man gets up, he's checking to see that he still has vision!! Adam Kress takes advantage of the opportunity..... Bodacious Backdrop!!!! Mike Hunter counts, 1..... 2..... 3!!!!

[Adam Kress won the match in 18 minutes and 4 seconds.]

Johnny Bones - Here is your winner, Adam Kress!!

Tom Stone - GGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDDDDDD---

The Informer - SHUT THE FUCK UP... I hear the rest of that name, and I quit.

Tom Stone - Oh, so your head grows rather large and red when you hear that name, too??

The Informer - Damn right... F*cking loser. Curv is climbing the flaming ladder!! Blade is going up the other side!! They meet at the top, left by Blade, right by Curv... left by Blade, right by Curv... Blade pokes him in the eye, and headbuts him! Curv falls off the ladder. Blade is almost out!! Curv is up, he pushes the ladder over.... Wait, Blade has ahold of the roof of the cage!! WHAM!!!!! CURV JUST NAILED BLADE IN THE KNEES WITH THAT FLAMING CHAIR!!! Blade falls, Curv catches him....... No Remorse!!!!! WHAT A MOVE!!! Curv sets up the ladder... He's on his way out!! He's 2 steps away.... Blade is on one knee... 1 step..... Blade is up, CURV IS OUT OF THE CAGE!!! CURV WINS!!!

[Curv won the match in 27 minutes and 38 seconds.]

Johnny Bones - Here is your winner, Curv!!

Tom Stone - This is what I like to see... Morons beating on morons... It's perfect!!

The Informer - Taz climbs up a ladder, he pulls a flower pot out of a window... SMASH!!! Right on The Wildman!! Taz jumps from the 1st floor balcony, Cross Body!! Ouch! It looks like The Wildman hit his head on a street sign on the way down!! Taz gets up, WOW!! He just RIPPED the street sign out of the ground!! He's beating The Wildman with a No Parking sign!! Justin Credible has Cannibal Ferox in a..... Tree?? Yes, they're fighting in a damn tree folks!! Cannibal Ferox rips off a branch, WHACK! Right across the head of Justin Credible. Justin Credible manages to get a quick kick to the nuts in... He sets up Cannibal Ferox... OH MY GOD!!! HURACONRANNA INTO A POND!!!

Tom Stone - Big deal you idiot... How does water across the head hurt??

The Informer - Im amazed at the way Justin Credible executed the move, not by the impact of the move!! BlackOut has Sandman on top of a mound of dirt! Sandman grabs a hand full of dirt.... OH NO!!! RIGHT IN THE EYES!!!! Sandman rolls up BlackOut in a small package, they roll all the way down the large pile of dirt.... BlackOut has the cover!! Mike Hunte counts, 1.... 2... No!! Sandman grabs a shovel.... DDDDDIIIINNNNGGGG!!!! RIGHT ACROSS THE HEAD!!! Sandman is leaving BlackOut there... BlackOut is just laying there!!! Sandman is heading over to Taz/The Wildman!! The Wildman has gained the upper hand! He throws Taz into a car... Oh my!! Taz tried to stop but tripped and when through the side door window into the back seat!!! LOOK OUT!!! Sandman runs at Wildman, Wildman's back is turned!!! WHAM!!! SANDMAN GOT NAILED WITH THE ATOMIC DEATH DROP!!! The Wildman goes for the cover, Mike Hunter counts...... 1........ 2....... 3!!!!

[The Chamber Of Horrors won the match in 37 minutes and 14 seconds.]

Johnny Bones - Here are your winners, The Chamber Of Horrors!!

Johnny Bones - And their opponents, ("The Unforgiven" by Metallica begins to blast over the arena speakers... the fans all begin to groan and boo in disgust as Zed and Draven make their way to the ring...) At a total combined weight of 542 pounds, the team of Draven and ZED!!!!

The Informer - What a match this should be... Both teams want those titles!!

Tom Stone - Yeah, it's too bad The Dungeon Masters are gonna be the ones to win them!!

Zed - Hold on 1 second... The ONLY reason im in this thing is because of you, Draven. Im in this because you wanted these title's SOOOOO bad, and you know Draven, you haven't done shit for me. I've been defending OUR honor ON MY OWN and carrying you on my back.... So, I ain't wrestling this match... Draven, if you want those tag title's enough, you'll win this match on your own!!

The Informer - OH MY!!!

Tom Stone - The kid is gaining some attitude.... Hmmm, I think I'll have a talk with him soon....

The Informer - Stay away from him, jackoff! All you're going to do is poison his mind!! Climax quickly kicks Draven in the back... Reverse DDT!! Crimson Tide bounces off the ropes, Elbow to the chest!! Climax jumps from the top, BIG SPLASH off the top!! He goes for the cover, 1... 2... No, Draven gets out!! Draven gets to his feet... He wanders into the waiting arms of Crimson Tide... NUTZ UP ON YA!!! Climax picks him up, G-SPOT!!! They signal to the fans, Uh oh!! It could be time... Crimson Tide holds him up high on the top rope...... WHAM!!!!! OUCH!!!! DVDA!!! Draven is out!!! His tag team title's could be a distant memory now.... Mike Hunter counts, 1..... 2....... 3!!!!!!!

[The Dungeon Masters won the match in 4 minutes and 28 seconds.]

Johnny Bones - Here are your winners, The Dungeon Masters!!

Tom Stone - None of the above!!

The Informer - Above is right, they're higher than you!!

Tom Stone - Oh please. When you sign the cheques, nobody is higher then you!!

The Informer - Thorn has Big Daddy Hack set up on the ropes!! He climbs to the top, CROWN OF THORNS!!! NO!!! Big Daddy Hack shoves him aside!! Both men are down, and are exausted!! Mike Hunter starts the count... 1..... 2..... 3.... 4.... They're both up... They charge at each other........

[A blue color fills the arena, and "March Slave" by Tchaikovsky blares over the PA system, and 2 men with Monk Robes come down. Their faces aren't visible, and one of the mysterious figures is dragging a bag. Both of the slaves go into the ring, both Thorn and Big Daddy Hack are confused and don't know what to do. The monk with the bag puts the mic to his face and says...]

Monk #1 - IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'mmmmmmmmmmmmm Baaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!!

The Informer - He's wailing on both Thorn and Big Daddy Hack with the bag!!!!! They're taking off their robes............ OH MY GOD!!!!! IT'S VIETNAM SAM AND TICO!!! THEY'RE BACK!!!! WHAT A RETURN!!! THE FANS ARE GOING INSANE!!! THE LAST TIME I HEARD THEM THIS LOUD IS WHEN LA PARKA PINNED RAZOR RAMON!!!!

Tom Stone - No, that was the sound of everyone puking at the fact that Ramon got pinned by La Parka.

[No Contest in 39 minutes and 57 seconds.]

Johnny Bones - Ladies and Gentlemen, this match has been ruled a No Contest!!! But, STILL EWA Extreme Champion, Thorn!!

Tom Stone - No, you don't get raises for rhyming on TV.

The Informer - I wasn't trying to get a raise... Hell, 1 more food stamp doesn't make a difference to me anyways.....

Tom Stone - Fine, you're down to 19 food stamps. Ha! Even BlackOut gets paid more then you now!!!

The Informer - Isn't he still at 14 cents/hour?? Anyways, DMX puts a tire over Zed, and nails the tire with a baseball bat!! Zed goes flying, and bounces off the street into a car!! Zed grabs a baseball bat from under the car... LOOK OUT DMX!!! WHAM!!! RIGHT IN THE NUTS!!! OH MY!!! DMX HAS TO BE in pain!! Zed takes the tire off, and sets up a table..... LOOK OUT!!!!! WHAM!!!!! ATOMIC DEATH DROP THROUGH THAT TABLE!!! THE WILDMAN JUST PUT ZED THROUGH THE TABLE WITH AN ATOMIC DEATH DROP!!! That should even it out!!! Both DMX and Zed are out in the middle of the street!!

[Fast forward about, 2 minutes]

The Informer - Both men are on their feet again... DMX climbs on top of a HUGE dumpster, That thing has to be 4 times the size of a normal dumpster!! Zed hits DMX in the knee with a baseball bat..... WWWWHHHHHAAAAMMMMM!!!!!!! HOLY FUCKING PIG FUCKERS!!!! ZED JUST GAVE HIM AN UNFORGIVEN OFF THE DUMPSTER TROUGH THE ROOF OF A CAR!!! Both men are out!!! WAIT A MINUTE!! THERE'S NOMAD AND THORN!!! Nomad has a chain... Thats gotta be AT LEAST 40 feet long!! Look at the size of it!!! Nomad folds up the chain, He's whipping Zed with the chain!!! Thorn jumps on top of DMX... He's rearanging DMX's face with his fist!!! Nomad signals to Thorn to switch men, Nomad whips DMX with the chain!!! DMX's back is purple for christ sake!! Thorn jumps on top of DMX... He's streatching the cuts on DMX's face!!! Stop these 2!!! Somebody help DMX and Zed!!!!

[No Contest in 49 minutes and 52 seconds.]

Johnny Bones - Ladies and Gentlemen, this match has been ruled a No Contest!!

Tom Stone - SHUT UP... I call this match!! It's the ONLY match with an old skooler in it... So, fuck off. The Brink nails Crazy Jobber with a Hostile DDT!!! He gets up, and scrambles the brain of K-Mart with a Running Lariat!!! Hahhahah!! THIS IS A MATCH!!!

The Informer - Ummm, the names are Crazy Wild Man and K-Dogg.

Tom Stone - Yeah, like I said, Crazy Jobber and K-Mart!! The Brink picks up Crazy Jobber.... Russian Leg Sweep!! He grabs K-Mart, Reverse DDT!!! K-Mart thinks he's good, So he gets up... WHAM!!! DDT on K-Mart!! Hahaha, go have a sale or some shit....

The Informer - Not funny....

Tom Stone - Hey, listen you lowly announcer, want to be traded to WCW for some fire works?? Goodm, then shut up. The Brink grabs K-Mart, Pump Handle Slam!!! He lifts Crazy Jobber to his feet, another Pump Handle Slam!! Hhahahhahahah!! Look at this, Brink is applying a DOUBLE Lyin Tamer!!!

The Informer - That's impossible to do!!

Tom Stone - Not when you're up against K-Mart and Crazy Jobber!!! Ya see, they're about to tap out!! No, The Brink releases the hold... Brink sets up Crazy Jobber in the corner... It's gonna be Downward Plunge time!!! Wait a minute, K-Mart is trying to hold Brink from delivering The Downward Plunge... OH!!! ELBOW TO THE HEAD!!! Sweet!! The Brink runs in, DOWNWARD PLUNGE ON CRAZY JOBBER!!!!!! K-Mart is setup in the corner, DOWNWARD PLUNGE!!!!!!!! The Brink goes for the double pin.....

The Informer - Yeah, with his foot...

Tom Stone - 1........ 2......... 3!!!!!! YES!!!!!

[The Brink won the match in 1 minute and 49 seconds.]

Johnny Bones - Here is your winner, and STILL EWA Heavyweight Champion, The Brink!!