The Informer - What now??

Tom Stone - Wake me up when this bullshit is done....

The Informer - Yeah ok... Whatever you say. Crazy Wild Man throws Jerry Lynn to the ropes....

[You hear Tom Stone snoring in the background......]

The Informer - Crazy Wild Man scoops him up, Sidewalk Slam!!! Crazy Wild Man goes to the top rope... Jerry Lynn gets up, Crazy Wild Man jumps.... Clothesline off the top!! He goes for the cover, 1.... 2.... No.

[The snoring gets louder...]

The Informer - Crazy Wild Man picks up Jerry Lynn... What's this???? Egg Plant Surprise!!!!! That's it... This one is over! Mike Hunter counts, 1..... 2..... 3!!!

[Crazy Wild Man won the match in 7 minutes and 39 seconds.]

Johnny Bones - Here is your winner, Crazy Wild Man!!

The Informer - Wake up you son of a bitch!

Tom Stone - Who Wha Whe?? *Coughs* Ahhh, I had a nice nap!!

The Infomer - Yeah, 40 seconds.

Divine - Hello sexy....

The Informer - Ummm, Hi. Chris Jericho grabs Chris Beniot by the waist.... German Suplex into a pin!! Tom Stone counts, 1.... 2..... 3!!!! Yes!!! By By Benoit!!!

[Double Pin in 9 minutes and 18 seconds.]

Johnny Bones - Ladies and Genlemen, The EWA Owner Tom Stone has informed me that both men's shoulder's were pinned to the mat, Therfore both men have been retired from the EWA!!

Divine - I fantasize about Mr. XXX!!!

Tom Stone - Who would that be??

Divine - You, baby!!

Tom Stone - Informer, mind if we switch seats??

The Informer - Ummm, YES.

Tom Stone - Awww shit....

Divine - *Licks his lips*

The Informer - Yuck. Mr. X lifts Crazy Wild Man in the air, Atomic Drop!! Crazy Wild Man rolls out to the floor...

Divine - That would hurt... I hate to see that move.

Tom Stone - I think I'll try it on you!!!

The Informer - Mr. X goes to the outside... He throws the steel steps at Crazy Wild Man!! Crazy Wild Man moves, the steps hit the ring pole!! Crazy Wild Man runs around the ring... Mr. X follows him.... Crazy Wild Man turns around, CLOTHESLINE!! Mr. X's head bounced off the concrete floor!!! *Ring Ring Ring*

[Double Countout in 18 minutes and 6 seconds.]

Johnny Bones - Ladies and Genlemen, both men have been Counted Out!!

Divine - Kind of like me after a successful night with one of my men!!

Tom Stone - SICK!!

The Informer - Yes... VERY. Crazy Wild Man has Taz held up in the air... Oh No!! He dropped Taz!! He ran out of energy!! Taz lands on his head, Crazy Wild Man lands on top of Taz... Mike Hunter counts, 1........ 2....... 3!!!!

Tom Stone - Yes, Finally! Now onto the better part of the night...

Divine - Yes, 4 straight matches of commentary with YOU Tom!!!

Tom Stone - Stay away..... Just Keep Away From Me!!

[Crazy Wild Man won the match in 27 minutes and 29 seconds.]

Johnny Bones - Here is your winner, Crazy Wild Man!!

Tom Stone - Good... Leave you fag. Divine is going under the ring!! What the hell is he doing??

The Informer - BlockOut and Mike Extreme are fighting it out on the top rung of the ladder!! Divine rolls out from under the ring... What the hell?? He's got Pink Spandex on and a cape that says "New School" on it....

Tom Stone - What a loser!!

The Informer - He's got a barbed wire baseball bat!! He walks up to BlackOut... WHAM!!! He falls off the ladder and lands in a corner!! Mike Extreme has the other barbed wire baseball bat at his fingertips!! Divine walks over to him... WHAM!!! He nailed him with the baseball bat!!!

Tom Stone - That gay bastard!!!! YOU'LL PAY!!!! Now its my turn!!!

The Informer - What the hell??

Divine - Im back baby!!

The Informer - Umm, Tom is not here...

Divine - Shit!

The Informer - Tom Stone is in the ring!! BlackOut is halfway up the ladder... Tom Stone nails him with a steel chair!! He helps Mike Extreme to his feet... Mike Extreme is climbing the ladder, He's got the baseball bat!!!

[Mike Extreme won the match in 36 minutes and 9 seconds.]

Johnny Bones - Here is your winner, Mike Extreme!!

Divine - Ohhh.... Your homosexual too??

The Informer - Tom??

Tom Stone - NO YOU FAG!!!! YOUR UNEXTENDABLE VOCABULARY WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD THAT CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!!!

Divine - *Feels himself up* Ohhhhh.... EXTEND..... Ohhhh.... DEPENDS..... Ohhhhh yes!!!

Tom Stone - Awwwww sick!!!!! Get away from me!!!

The Informer - AHAHHAHA!!! Ahem... Back in the ring now, All 4 men are in the ring... JTHM is getting his beatings from Crimson Tide!! Crimson Tide picks him up, NUTZ UP ON YA!!!!

Divine - Your nuts up on my chest would be very appreciated Tom...

Tom Stone - FUCK YOU, YOU GAY FAGET!!!!!!!!

The Informer - Im sure you'd like to Tom!!! Climax sets him up..... G-SPOT!!!!!

Divine - All this sex talk is making me horny!!! G-Spot, Nuts, Extend, Depends...... I think im going to do this more often!!

Tom Stone - NO... YOUR BANNED FROM DOING THIS AGAIN!!!

The Informer - Temper temper temper!!! Climax is on the top rope with X-Treme.... He Powerbombs him!! No!! Crimson Tide catches him, NECKBREAKER!!!! YOU'VE JUST WITNESSED DVDA!!!! They go for the cover, Mike Hunter counts... 1.... 2...... 3!!!!!

[The Dungeon Masters won the match in 29 minutes and 44 seconds.]

Johnny Bones - Here are your winners, The Dungeon Masters!!

Divine/Tom Stone - FUCK YOU.

Divine - JINKS!!! I own you a blow!!

Tom Stone - OH FUCK YOU!!!! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU GAY HOMOFOBIC PIECE OF SHIT!!!!

[Tom Stone leaves the announce table... Divine chases him to the back...]

The Informer - It's about time!!! Draven has Chandler on his shoulder, Powerslam!! Draven picks him up, Overhead Suplex!! Chandler goes flying over the top rope and crashes into the steel baracade!! Draven hops over the rope and NAILS a leg drop!!! WOW, that was a pretty good move there!!

[Suddenly, The EWA Big Screen shows Tom Stone chasing Divine with a chainsaw in the locker room area!!!]

The Informer - Uh oh.... Get some help back there.... Draven throws Chandler into the ring, he goes for the cover... 1... 2... No! Kickout by Chandler. Draven picks him up, he throws him to the ropes... Chandler comes flying back, Draven swings for a clothesline but Chandler ducks, Draven turns around and sets up for a back body drop... Chandler leap frog's over him... The both run to the ropes.... Double Clothesline!!!

[The EWA Big Screen once again brings us to the backstage area where Divine is chasing Tom Stone with a dildo!!!]

The Informer - Run Tom, run... WAIT A MINUTE, THERE'S ZED!!! He gets in the ring.... ZAP!!! ZAP!!! ZAP!!! ZAP!!! ZAP!!! ZAP!!! ZAP!!! ZAP!!! He's going nuts on Chandler with that Cattle Prod!!! Draven is up... They pick up Chandler.... DOUBLE POWERBOMB!!!! Zed grabs the cattle pord... ZAP!!! ZAP!!! ZAP!!! ZAP!!! ZAP!!! ZAP!!! LOOK OUT!! HERE COMES THE BRINK WITH A CHAIR!!!! He storms down the aisle into the ring! Draven and Zed take off through the crowd.... You better call out the paramedics for Chandler!!

[No Contest in 41 minutes and 10 seconds.]

Johnny Bones - Ladies and Gentlemen, this match has been ruled a No Contest!!

["Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns n' Roses blasts over the PA system as Johnny Rage and Rick Ramos walk to the announcers table. Rage is wearing a "Soon to be FOUR-TIME tag champs" shirt and black cargo pants, and Ramos is wearing a "Soon to be FOUR-TIME convicted rapist" shirt with blue jeans. They sit down at the table and put on their headsets]

Rage - It's good to be back, everyone, even if it is just for one match.

Ramos - Grunt.

Rage - No, Divine is in his locker room, he won't be threatening your manhood. Anyways, I think it's time to start this shit up. The "Hell on Earth" match requires a huge setup, so we're going to have a bit of an intermission. Rick, if you would?

Ramos - *Smiling insanely* GRUNT!!!

[Ramos climbs on top of the table, puts on a costume, and does his non-verbal one-man rendition of "Pirates of Penzance". The fans, although extremely amused, are anxious to see the main event. Good thing the ring is ready]

Rage - Okay, fans. Time for the introductions. First up is the man who started and signed this whole match, the former THREE-TIME EWA Extreme Champion, the Wildman!!!

[The Wildman's music slams over the PA system, and Wildman walks out to a mixed reaction from the crowd. He climbs into the razor-wire dome that will soon house this match, and waits for his opponenets]

Ramos - Grunt?

Rage - No, you cannot ask him if he has a sister who's into that "S&M and pain" stuff. Besides, you have Chelsea Clinton for that, remember?

Ramos - *Hangs head* Grunt....

Rage - Alright, now.... next up, is one of the legends of the EWA. Former two-time EWA International Champion, and former EWA World Heavyweight Champion, here is.... Nomad!!!

["Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit explodes over the speakers, and Nomad emerges to a huge volley of neon green pyro. He walks to the ring, climbs into the dome, and stares down Wildman before looking to the entranceway to see his two other oppenents enter]

Rage - Yeah goth! Anyways.... the next man is the youngest to ever compete in the EWA.... a former EWA Lightweight and World Heavyweight Champ, the "Extreme Teen", and one of the leaders of the "oldskool".... CHANDLER!!!

[Blacklight pyrobombs explode, filling the arena with an eerie bluish glow. Zach De LaRocha screams "COME WIT' IT NOW!!!" as "Bulls On Parade" by Rage Against the Machine blasts over the arena PA system. Chandler walks to the ring with his tie-dyed green slinglet, hops into the cage, and waits for the final man]

Ramos - Grunt?

Rage - No, he's not a hippie. He just likes tie-dyed. And now, the final competitor in this match.... the former EWA International Champion, and the spearhead of the "oldskool" movement.... THE BRINK!!!

[Silver pyrobombs blast into the air as "Whatever" by Godsmack starts up over the speakers. Brink walks out and down to the ring, climbs into the razor-wire cage, and shakes Chandler's hand. A worker closes and locks the door to the cage, and signals to the rafters. The dome raises up to the appropriate height, and the flamethrowers ignite]

Ramos - Grunt... grunt grunt?

Rage - No, Rick, you can't eat one of them if they fall into the flames and get barbecued. Cannibalism is wrong.

Ramos - GRUNT!

Rage - Oh, yeah, you have done it before.... oh, well. Time to get this match started!!!

[The bell rings, and the 4 men charge at each other. We'll just ignore the properties of space/time, and travel 30 minutes into the future. The match is still raging on, all 4 men battered and bloody]

Rage - DAMN! Chandler just hit Nomad with a bulldog into that glass floor! Wildman has his hands full trying to fend off the Brink, but he's still going! Brink lifts up Wildman on his shoulder.... he runs him into the razor wire! That's gonna' leave a mark.

Ramos - Grunt?!

[Ramos gets up and pulls down his pants, revealing a birthmark on his ass in the shape of Diana Ross' head]

Rage - What the fuck?! No, Rick, not that kind of mark. Like Sabu. The little bastard has more scars than Koonta. Anyway.... Nomad counters Chandler's assault with a quick knee lift, followed by a gut-wrench suplex. Wildman drops a quick leg across the throat of Chandler, but Brink comes from behind and slaps on a sleeper hold. Nomad tries to take the opening and sets up Chandler for the Wandering, but Chandler counters with a low blow, followed by a t-bone driver into that glass. I think I see a crack....

Ramos - Grunt?

Rage - No, Rick.... in the glass, you oaf. Everybody still has their pants on. Wildman breaks the sleeper with a belly-to-back suplex, but he's still down and recovering. All the men are struggling to get up.... Nomad is on his hands and knees, Wildman is to his feet.... Chandler jumps off Nomad's back, and hits Wildman square in the jaw with a stiff dropkick! What elevation!!!

Ramos - GRUNT!!!

Rage - Oh, yeah. I'm not Tony Shiavone, and Chandler isn't Sting. Good call, Rick. Brink gets up, and gets Nomad in a waistlock.... GERMAN SUPLEX! Now there's definitely a crack in that glass floor.... I hope we don't see a repeat of the first "Hell On Earth" match, or all these men may end up dead!!! The ring is still lowering, it's about 40 feet up now.

Ramos - Grunt!!! *Happy*

Rage - Yes, Rick, I know you can get it "40 feet up, too". Jesus. Chandler grabs Wildman, he's going for the Big Timer!!! NO! Wildman goes behind, and nails Chandler with a neckbreaker! He grabs Chandler's legs, turns him over.... Boston Crab! Wildman still has Chandler in the �Crab, he looks up.... WOW! Brink dove over Wildman and snapped his neck back with a flying clothesline!!! Wildman is clutching at his neck, he may be injured!!!

Ramos - Grunt!!! *Clutches at his lower back*

Rage - Really? Threw it out humping Jennifer Lopez last night, eh? She's got great tits. DAMN! Nomad out of nowhere with a flying shoulder tackle on The Wildman. They hit the razor wire dome, and BREAK THROUGH IT!!! Wildman is laying half in the dome, half out, and Nomad is dangling 35 feet above the floor!!! The Brink is surveying the damage.... Chandler from behind hits a forearm to the head, he grabs The Brink.... POWERBOMB towards the opening in the dome!!! CRACK!!! Nomad and The Brink knocked heads.... MIGHTY FUCK!!!!! NOMAD JUST FELL 30 FEET THE POLISH ANNOUNCERS' TABLE!!!

Ramos - Grunt.

Rage - You're right, they don't even notice. They're still talking.

Polish Announcer 1 - Yeah, my dad died a horrible death. Poor one-armed bastard fell out of a tree trying to wave at his friend, Micha.

Polish Announcer 2 - What a shame.... reminds me of a story I heard about a grenade once....

Rage - Nomad isn't moving, and the medics are attending him. Back up in the dome, The Wildman has climbed back up, and he's punching it out with Chandler! Brink from behind nails The Wildman with an inverted DDT! He gets up, and nails a lightning-quick Rolling DDT on Brink! He turns around and grabs Chandler.... short powerbomb! He's fighting off both men! That crack in the floor is getting worse, and the action is getting more intense!!!

Ramos - Gruuunnnnt....

Rage - I don't care how intense your orgasm was, Rick, shut up. That's best left for private.

Ramos - Grunt....

Rage - Good. Anyway.... The Wildman is up, he hits Brink with a vicious DDT!!! Brink is down! The Wildman starts climbing up the inside of the dome, he gets to the top, and.... SENTAN SPLASH! The floor has got to give way soon!!! The Wildman is hurt, but he's getting up.... Chandler grabs him.... BIG TIMER!!! The Wildman staggers to his feet slowly, Chandler is ready for him! He sets him up.... APOCABOMB!!! DAMN!!! WILDMAN CRACKS THE FLOOR OF THE CAGE!!! HE'S HANGING ON!!! Half of the glass is on the floor infront of us now!!

Ramos - Grunt??

Rage - No Rick... Glass isn't edible... The dome is only 20 feet up now, But a drop that far could still kill him!!! Chandler goes over to The Wildman... He's stomping on his hands!!! Wildman is going to fall off!! LOOK OUT!!! THE WILDMAN JUST PULLED CHANDLER'S BOOT AS HE WAS TRYING TO KICK HIM, AND CHANDLER FELL THROUGH THE FLOOR!!! CHANDLER IS GONE!!!!!!! The Wildman and The Brink are our new Champions!!! But who gets what??? The Brink walks over to The Wildman, he's stomping his hands too!! WHAT IS THAT?!?!? SOMEONE IS SWINGING ACROSS THE ROOF OF THIS ARENA.... HE GETS INTO THE CAGE, WHAM!!!! HE NAILED THE BRINK IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD!!! The camera is zooming in.... who is it?? OH MY!! HE'S BACK!! IT'S DMX!!!!! DMX IS NEW SCHOOL??? DMX just disappeared... I didn't see where he went!!! Well, The Wildman has climbed into the cage... He's is going to work on The Brink....

Ramos - *Disgusted* GRUNT!!!

Rage - No, not "go to work on him" like that.... that's Divine's line of work. He hits Brink with a Fisherman's Buster, they're fighting close to that hole in the floor!!! Either way, one of these men will end up International Champ, and the other will be the new World Champ!!! Brink spins around, and hits a quick leg sweep to the back of The Wildman's knee. This gives Brink the opportunity he needs, and.... head-and-arm suplex!!! The Wildman staggers to his feet, and stumbles into the dome to brace himself. Brink takes advantage, and.... THERE IT IS!!! The Wildman took the Plunge!!! Brink nailed The Wildman with the Downward Plunge into that dome!!! Chandler falls face down, and Brink goes for the kill.... LYIN TAMER!!! He's got it on!!!

Ramos - Grunt?!?!

Rage - No, he isn't getting it on!!! He's got it on! The submission hold!!! HE TAPPED!!! THE WILDMAN TAPPED OUT!!! WE HAVE TWO NEW CHAMPIONS!!!

[The Brink/The Wildman won the match in 53 minutes and 26 seconds.]

Johnny Bones - Here are your winners...

Johnny Bones - The NEW EWA International Champion, The Wildman!! And.......

Johnny Bones - Your NEW EWA Heavyweight Champion, The Brink!!

The flame throwers shut off, and the dome lowers to the floor.... Brink grabs his Heavyweight belt. The Wildman holds up the International Title belt, and Brink holds up the World Title belt and grabs a mic....

The Brink - TRADITION!!!

[The Wildman runs over and steals the mic.....]

The Wildman - SUCKS!!!!!!

Rage - The Brink turns around and lays out The Wildman with the Heavyweight Title. Wait!!! Here comes Mike Extreme, Tom Stone, and Vince Black.... they're beating on The Wildman and Nomad!!! The medical crew scatters, and The Brink and Chandler join in!!! HERE COMES THORN!!! He runs to the ring with.... a flamethrower?!?! He fires up that flamethrower, and the Oldskool scatters!!! Thorn goes to help Nomad up, and they leave the arena as "Stuck" by Limp Bizkit blasts over the PA sytem, and the HY2K logo is shown on the EWA Big Screen.... with Nomad and Thorn's names under it!!! Nomad is in Hostile Youth 2000!!! WHAT A NIGHT!!!

Chandler - Right now I need one person to come out here... please. Tom Stone, come here.

[The EWA Owner Tom Stone makes his way into the ring. Stone doesn't come down all happy in his gimmick, this is obviously a "shoot" interview]

Chandler - Tom, we've known each other for several years. Well man, I need a favor from you. I'm asking you, no, I'm begging you, please give me a couple of weeks off. I've lost it man, I need to get my head strait. In my mind, if I'm not giving 100 percent I shouldn't be out there. And right now, I'm not giving anywhere near 100 percent. So, please Tom, let me go away for a while.

[Chandler looks up to Tom Stone as if pleading. Stone gives a sigh and nods his head]

Tom Stone - Yeah man, sure, whatever. You're doing no good for the EWA and no good for yourself half assing it out there. Go to Japan for a while and get yourself together. We need you back soon, however.

[Chandler goes over to Stone and shakes his hand]

Stone, thanks. I need to go somewhere, alone, now. In closing, this is to those who know me in the locker room or have ever talked to me before.... Maximum..... Spider..... bye.

[Chandler throws down his mic and heads towards the back of the arena. The fans and wrestlers are in shock. Completely Unannounced and out of character. The Tuesday Night Heat credits roll and in the background, we see Chandler walking down out of the arena, slowly, and heading wherever his mind takes him]

Ramos - *Big grin* GRUNT!!!

Rage - Huh? Oh, the night hasn't even begun till we get back to the hotel room, eh? How many hookers did you say?!

Ramos - Grunt.

Rage - Damn, Rick!!! That's enough to keep Hugh Hefner happy!!! Let's go!!! Oh, yeah.... On a night where The Brink captures the EWA Heavyweight Title, and The Wildman wins the EWA International Title... this is Johnny Rage and Rick Ramos, the Regulators, signing off. Now lets go get them hookers!!!