[The camera brings us to a shot of the EWA symbol, which quickly fades to black. We then see a montage of clips from the EWA's last Tuesday Night Heat show. After a 2-3 minute video is show, the EWA Tuesday Night Heat video is played. Many clips of past matches, current superstars and pyro are shown. We are then brought to a shot of inside the Tacoma Dome in Tacoma, Washington, where THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS of fans have flooded the Tacoma Dome! After a quick view of the fans signs, we are brought to a shot of the annouce table, where The Informer, Vic Canon and Eddie Sensation are ready to kick of Tuesday Night Heat.]The Informer - Welcome fans, to TUESDAY NIGHT HEAT! And tonight, althought we have a rather small card preview available for you fans, you must remember... ANYTHING can happen in the EWA!
Vic Canon - Thats right Informer! Tonight we have 3 Interviews scheduled, and they should be HUGE! Chandler, Serial Thrylla and Vinny D all have something on their mind! Tonight they'll get it out, LIVE on Heat!
Eddie Sensation - And DONT FORGET! SHIT ON A POLE MATCH TONIGHT!!!!
The Informer - Haha!! Thats right Eddie... Divine will take on El GiGante on a "Poop on a Pole Match"... That should be interesting, to say the least.... And also tonight, we have a EWA Tag Team Title Match, when the Cows In Black take on Da BJ Boyz! That should be some GREAT Tag Team action!
Vic Canon - Should be! Also on the card... Masta Red will take on the newcomer, Eric Walther! The EWA Extreme Champ, "Tricky" Tiki Tortez, will attempt to take on 3 opponents AT ONCE!
Eddie Sensation - HA! He's going to get KILLED!
The Informer - And lastly, Ethan Tyler will take on a mystery opponent!
Vic Canon - I wonder who that could be! There's SO MANY different people that he could be fighting... he has nothing to prepare from!
Eddie Sensation - Vic.. Vicky.... Victor... SHUT THE HELL UP!
The Informer - Easy Eddie! Well fans, before we continue, I have some news to share with you all... Tom Stone has told me to announce to all you fans, that the reason Reckless vs. Pegasus Warrior did not happen at Global Threat 2K is because they BOTH no-showed! Therefore, Tom Stone has decided that BOTH of them will "Leave Town", since it was a Loser Leaves Town Match.... So, I'd like to wish Reckless and Pegasus Warrior the best in their futures... Now, LETS GET THIS SHOW STARTED!
Interview with Chandler The Informer - Hello fans, and welcome back to Tuesday Night Heat!We're at the top of the hour, and looking at my format, that means its time for an interview with one of our favorite guys...
Vic Canon - "Favorite" my ass Informer. I still hurt from this guy!
Eddie Sensation - Good, I'm not the only one.
The Informer - Make it three. And guys, I really dont feel like honoring this asshole with my voice during this so called "interview". So lets just take our headsets off and sit here while he says whatever he has to say, okay?
Eddie Sensation - Sounds good to me.
Vic Canon - Beuno.
[As all three announcers throw down their headsets, the arena dims to darkness, with only a flickering of black...white...black...white...black...white on the EWA Video Wall, as if a projection reel is running without any film. Among the darkness, one man's voice can be heard over the public address system. A faint, dark voice.]
"You were warned that you were not going to be warned. You were told that you were not going to be told. You were led to believe that the only sure bet that you had in your pathetical little life was that, by any means necessary, you could beat the house. Well, the house...fucking...won." "Say hello to your god." [With the EWA Video Wall still flickering between black and white, and with the fans in attendance still hung on those last spoken words, the opening riffs of "Ready or Not" by the Fugees begin to ring through the arena. And as the first tones of Lauryn Hill's voice echo throughout the building, a lone spotlight begins to shine upon the entrance ramp.]
[And as soon as Wyclef begins the slow, melodic opening verse, EWA World Champion Clayton Chandler steps out from behind the large black curtain. Topless, and with red and teal Muta pants, he looks like the Chandler of 3 months ago. But his black forearm tape and backwards Team Ballz hat remind us of just what this man now stands for. The gold around his waist is indeed a stark contrast to his otherwise extremely dark complexion. The amount of jeers, and legitimate fear, in the crowd is simply astounding. Chandler calmy walks into the ring, without even acknowledging the rabid crowd.]
[He talks...]
Chandler - Home, sweet home.
[Those three words multiply the hate in the American audience tenfold.]
Chandler - GOD DAMMIT, why couldn't I stay in Japan?
[Heat]
Chandler - But that doesn't really matter, because, ladies and gentlemen, YOU ARE LOOKING at the BEST DAMN WRESTLER TO EVER GRACE A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING RING. YOU ARE LOOKING at the THREE TIME EWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION. And YOU ARE LOOKING at the one man, that SINGLEHANDEDLY, KILLED THIS COUNTRY'S GODDAMN MORAL.
[Record breaking heat. A rabid fan almost attempts to jump the far guardrail, but EWA security grabs the man. It's as if its no longer "staged", when talking about the way this man can make a crowd despise him.]
Chandler - At Global Threat...Tokyo...it was perfect. We set em up, we knocked em down. This revolution was televised, and MILLIONS around this world saw me make history. Hell, each and every one of you fucks saw Team Ballz make history. Lets run this shit down, shall we?
[Chandler has his finger in the air, and then stops himself]
Chandler - Wait, I forgot. Thrylla's got that job tonight. So, I'll tell you what. I'm going to zero in on the one thing that pissed me off more than any other thing that night. No, not the Regulators, NO, not the BJ Boyz, and no, not that atrosity of a World War Tournament. What pissed me off were the actions of one man. One little punkass ingrate.
Chandler - Thorn, you small, pathetic, worthless, ungrateful son of a bitch. How dare you pull that kind of bullshit, huh? Who the fuck do you think you are? Wait, let me answer that for ya.
[The crowd has stopped their jeering to listen to what they know is going to be another memorable scathing Chandler promo]
Chandler - Thorn, you are nothing but a two-bit, low budget, walking, eating, and pissing Chandler rip off.
[The crowd "ooooooo's" accordingly]
Chandler - You were, are, and always will be a fake. Hostile Youth 2K is nothing but a cheap man's Team Ballz. Your gimmick, the disturbed loner thats been fucked by "The Man"? Strait out of the book of Nomad. But the way you act Thorn, the way you talk, the way you cut promos, they way you move around the ring, the way you deal with the crowd. Son, that's me. That is a carbon copy of Clayton motherfucking Chandler.
[The crowd does not know what to think. Isn't Thorn a heel also? No. They must cheer him. Out of their hatred for Chandler and Team Ballz, the crowd must cheer for Thorn.]
Chandler - What have you preached for all these years Thorn? What have you said about yourself, and about me? "Chandler is the best cruiserweight that ever lived". "Chandler is my personal role model". "Chandler is everything I would want to be in a wrestler". Remember saying these things? THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU ACT ON THEM?!?!? You had the oppurtunity few others have ever had in their entire careers. It is not every day that Team Ballz publicly appeals to someone to join the fold. In fact, it has never happened. You had it all Thorn, all of it, right there on the table. And what did you do?
[Chandler removes his hat, and shows it to the camera]
Chandler - You took this, this most perfect thing in the world, and you stomped on it. You spit on it. You TURNED IT AWAY, THORN! And to that I say again, HOW DARE YOU?!?! By law and pedigree, YOU ARE MY BITCH! You look up to me, you follow me, and you owe me your fucking career.
[Chandler puts his hat back on as the fans get restless]
Chandler - But you know what? I'm tired of talking. It is my job as the best wrestler in the world and leader of this revolution to tie up the loose ends. Its time for some action, Thorn. Get your ass out here.
Chandler - I SAID GET IT OUT HERE.
[The restless crowd lets Chandler know what they think of him as he leans back in the turnbuckle and looks at his wrist as if he's impatiently looking at a watch. Moments later he looks around confused and shruggs his shoulders. The lights drop.]
Due to the graphic nature of this program, listener disgretion is advised. [The crowd erupts. Green pyrotechnics burst to life. "Edgecrusher" by Fear Factory kicks in at full force of the loudspeakers. The lights fade in as Chandler stands in the ring with a look of shock on his face, a shocked look, but a happy look. Thorn emerges from the curtains, mic in hand, navy blue 'Anchor Blue' pants on, with a black Team Ballz shirt on. He walks over to the side of the on-ramp and sits down.]
Thorn - Like the shirt...? Thought I'd let ya see how good I look in the damn thing just once, just so you can realize what you're missing out on. Sorry for the wait, I understand how much of a tight schedule you're on with Team Ballz and trying to dominate 'n shit, but... I'm really not that busy, and well... I'd figure that you can wait. Plus I wasn't about the turn down another one of your offers, I understand that getting turned down as much as you do could really build up inside after awhile, but sometimes you just gotta deal with it man. Now, back to the business at hand, let's get some things straight here shall we Chand? First off...
Chandler - First off you don't call me Chand!
Thorn - Whatever... First off.. CHAND... it was nice of you to think that I walk, talk, act, wreslte, think, breathe, shit, stink like you, but your wrong. When it comes right down to it, were not alike at all. Your well... a neo-nazi Teenage deathmatch Japanese anti-american.... lackey. And well... I'm not. You... like to hear the hatred from the crowd and the rest of america. While I tend to... not give a fuck. You, like to have sex with yourself. While I like to stick to woman. You see Chandler, things aren't always as they seem. We may look alike in the fact that we're both cruiserweights, and we both are young male wrestlers, but I figure all this anti-american stuff has gotten to your head. Your not thinking straight anymore, I remember the Chandler I used to love listen to shoot an interview, or wrestle in a match, the Chandler that didn't give a fuck. I remember when I wanted to be like you, cause you had the cruiserweight title, then you had the heavyweight title... the only lightweight to have held the lightweight title. I used to look at you and say "Give me a year... that's me." A year... gone... past us, still no fucking title, but I still have my fucking dreams. But you know what?
Thorn - I have greater dreams then being the EWA Heavyweight Champion... sure that's a pretty tall order, and it doesn't seem like much, but to me, there's something more. I want to be the greatest cruiserweight in the entire FUCKING WORLD. I proved myself to be the best wrestler while going around the world, but I want to be known as the best motherfucker to jump from the top rope. I've always been that close, I've always been just a step behind, someone has always had the upper hand. Sure, people have said that I'm the best cruiserweight in the EWA, some of them have even said the world. They can believe that, but I don't. Chand, you said it earlier, you quoted me when I said you were the best cruiserweight in the world, you were right when you said I looked up to you, you were right when I said you were my role model. You have to meet your maker sooner or later. How can you really accomplish something in life, if you haven't gone one on one with the man that you always wanted to be? I won't be anything to myself, until I have gone down that path with you, until I have taken that step up and shown things to myself, proven things to myself. Until I have proven things to you.
Thorn - To spot the babbling Chand, you say that when you look at me, you see a mirror image of yourself... I say, when I look at your, I see a pitiful image of your former self. Your nothing to me now, when you used to be everything I wanted to be in a wrestler. Now your nothing, your nothing but a sellout. Trying to find new ways to piss off the crowd. Making lame attempts to get over as the "bad guy." Until you do something that you acually believe in... this is the only time you'll see me in a Team Ballz shirt. Chand, do things for yourself, not because it'll be the "cool" thing to do. You don't believe in the words you preach, you read the anti-american bible like a blind man. Chand, I'm not going to go as far as to say that your Thrylla's lackey, not necessarily Thrylla's Lackey, but a lackey of the crowd. You live by the crowd... and Chand... you'll die by the crowd.
[Thorn stands up and puts his mic to his side, hands on hip, and awaits some form of rebuttle from the champion.]
Chandler - Oh so now I'm gonna die, eh? How? Wait, are you going to KILL me? Sorry, but Nicky D tried to pull some shit like that months ago and his ass is ON THE MOTHERFUCKING SHELF.
Chandler - Thorn, you have to understand, I am not a fucking idiot. Do you think that I *really* believe this whole "I'm here to confront my mentor" bullshit? You want the fucking spotlight son. You want the fame and the glory that goes along with these 20 pounds of gold around my waist. You want "the ball". You wanna run with MY ball? You wanna take MY spot, and steal everything that I've worked for? You mean to tell me that you want to take all of my accomplishments, all of my pain and sweat, and all those years of a wasted teenage life, and plus them down the fucking toilet? WELL I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU YOUR GODDAMN SHOT.
[The crowd, while still loathing Chandler, now hangs on his every word.]
Thorn - Yeah, you can say that's a little side-objective. How do you plan on giving me the shot hotshit?
Chandler - That's the easy part. What we are going to do is, once and for all, decide who the baddest motherfucker under two hundred and twenty five pounds is in this entire...damn...world.
Chandler - The fans say its you, you say its me, I SAY ITS ME. But lets let our actions speak for themselves. Because I'm lookin' at the date on my watch and I see that we've got a pay per view coming up, Rock the Boat isn't it? Yeah, Rock the Boat. Well, that may or may not be the gayest fucking name I've ever heard, but one thing is for sure, and that's that son of a bitch surely is gonna be rockin' because....
[Chandler ascends the top rope, facing the entranceway, and his newfound nemesis.]
Chandler - Thorn, its going to me YOU vs. ME. MANO Y MOTHERFUCKING MANO. But the fun doesn't end there, because I know what you....
[Chandler has to stop himself because his voice cannot be heard of the excited rumbling of the crowd.]
Chandler - I know what you want. Not only do you want this shit right here...
[Chandler unbuckles his belt and lifts it with one hand]
Chandler - ...But you want to be known as the best wrestler, pound for pound, to ever walk through the curtain. And right now, that man is me. But I'll tell you what Thorn...
Thorn - Quit rambling you fuck!
Chandler - Shut the fuck up. You'll like this. At Rock The Boat, on pay per view, we're gonna have ourselves some stipulations in this match. And what better way to decide who the best cruiserweight ever is than to have ourselves a match that can lead to the most insane moves possible?
Thorn - Keep going.
[The fans are buzzing.]
Chandler - That's right, YOU AND ME, ON PAY PER VIEW, ON THE DECK OF THAT MOTHERFUCKING BOAT, IN A LADDER MATCH!!!!!!
Chandler - And....
[Chandler once again has to stop himself under the huge rush eminating from the crowd. A ladder match?!?!]
Chandler - And, HEY, this is the real kicker folks, not only are we going to have a ladder match. But THIS will not be the belt hanging 20 feet above that deck. Oh, no, not this one. I'm going to go back to the back, talk to my fucking ace Stone, and tell his ass that this isn't about the World Title, this is about who's the best.
[The crowd is now reletively quiet..and listening, as is Thorn, who seems to be liking this.]
Chandler - And you know what I'm going to have Stone do? For one night only, JUST for this match, reinstate the EWA World MOTHERFUCKING Lightweight Championship belt. And THAT belt will be hanging twenty feet above the deck of the S.S. Dynasty.
[This little nugget of nastalgia gets a big pop from the crowd, who quickly remember to shut up and start booing Chandler again.]
Chandler - And Thorn, the first person to grab that belt not only wins The EWA World Heavyweight Wrestling Championship, but he wins the right to call himself the best wrestler walking the face of the earth. Period.
[Chandler now stares at Thorn, holding the EWA Belt high above his head, and perched on the top rope. Thorn stares back just as coldly. The fans stare at both.]
Chandler - So, Thorn, you up for the challenge hombre, you ready to have your shot with the ball?
Thorn - Chandler....
[Thorn begins walking back through the curtain, and then turns back around to face his nemesis one last time]
Thorn - Game....On.
["Edgecrusher" begins to blare once again over the PA as Thorn makes his way to the back and Chandler climbs back down, snaps his belt back around his waist, takes one last chance to flip off and spit at the crowd, and then walks himself up the ramp and out the curtain.]
[ The EWA Video Wall goes black. A series of commercials of EWA sponcers are shown. ]
Pre-Match Interview with Masta Red Zed - We are here with Masta Red a surprise member of tonight's card. Masta Red, what, why, and how?
Masta Red - Zed to tell you the truth, I wish I knew myself, but it doesn't matter. If Tom Stone wants me to fight for him tonight against some reject wrestler, that is fine with me. I have no objections to that.
Zed - You are 3 and 0 here in EWA, do you feel that you winning streak is going to end here tonight?
Masta Red - Hell is could possibly happen Zed, I really don't know. If it does, well I have other places to fall back on and if it doesn't. I wouldn't mind having EWA be a home for me in the wrestling world.
Zed - Okay, you are facing Eric Walter. Is there any heat between you to at all.
Masta Red - Who am I facing again?
Zed - Eric Walter.
Masta Red - Who?
Zed - ERIC..
Masta Red - That should should answer your question right there Zed, he is just other wrestler trying to make it and he thinks he is going to make it running over me, but it is not going to happen.
Zed - Back to the you guys at ringside.
Pre-Match Interview with Eric Walther Rachel Stevens - I'm here backstage with EWA newcomer Eric Walther, The Rifleman if you will. Mr. Walther, you burst on the scene at the side of the current North American champion, Arthryn. Why?
Eric Walther - Why not? I mean, it was as good a way as any to get a few people to notice me, and my trainer and Arthryn go back a ways, so I figured I'd align myself with him. He's managed to piss some people off, and he's the NA champ, so by putting myself next to him, I figured a little of the spotlight would rub off, ya know?
Rachel Stevens - After a silence of a few weeks, you then proceeded to make some pretty bold statements. You really think you're that good, huh?
Eric Walther - I don't think Rachel, I know I'm as good as I say. With my past, and with the training I've received, and with my body, well, not being the best isn't an option.
Rachel Stevens - Your past? Is there something we should know?
Eric Walther - Not really. I don't like to talk much about my past. Besides, if I told you, I'd have to kill you.
Rachel Stevens - Yeah, I've heard that line before... C'mon, you brought it up by mentioning your past, what's so important back there that it's going to make you a better wrestler?
Eric Walther - You've probably heard the line about having to kill you before, but I'm serious. I'll tell you the unclassified part. I was former Navy, a SEAL in fact, and well, I led a SEAL team in some rather classified missions protecting national secrets. I can't say anymore about that. After a while, they figured out that I had too much fun destroying things, and killing people, that they trained me too well, that I was becoming too good at what they wanted me to do, so they discharged me. After that, I used my skills as a military man for a few corporations, people who wanted protection, and the like. Then I kinda discovered wrestling. I'd always known about it, but never really took it seriously. But I decided to give it a crack, and my first workout was almost as hard as anything we did in BUD/S training. I fell in love with it, and worked on it 'til I got myself to an acceptable standard. Acceptable to myself. Which is only the very best.
Rachel Stevens - Okay, fine. What about your match with Masta Red tonight? He's undefeated, he might be a challenge to you, even if you're as good as you claim.
Eric Walther - Look, I've told you, I've trained myself to be the best. That means I don't take any shit from anyone. Got that? I'm going to go out there, and snap Masta Red's win streak, and his neck. I'm that damn dangerous. End of conversation.
Rachel Stevens - Back to you guys at ringside...
One Fall Match
Masta Red vs. Eric WaltherChris Myers - This next match is scheduled for one fall!
["Last Resort" by Papa Roach blasts through the speakers...]
Chris Myers - Introducing first... standing 6'9" and weighing in at 297 pounds, from Dusseldorf, Germany, "The Rifleman" Eric Walther!
["The Rifleman" Eric Walther steps out from behind the curtain and heads towards the ring.]
["Gotten" by Wild Boyz blasts through the speakers...]
Chris Myers - And his opponent... standing 6'5" and weighing in at 275 pounds, from Atlanta, Georgia, Masta Red!
[Masta Red steps out from behind the curtain and heads towards the ring.]
The Informer - Masta Red is undefeated in the EWA! But if Eric Walther is anything like his friend Arthryn, this will be a tough match for Masta Red to win!
Vic Canon - Well, here goes the bell... Another EWA Tuesday Night Heat is underway!
Eddie Sensation - They lock up! Masta Red pushes Walther into the corner.... Wait! Walther pushes Masta Red all the way back into his corner!
The Informer - Masta Red begins to push Walther back again... but Walther uses his momentum, and flips Masta Red with a hip toss! Walther quickly drops to the mat, and applies a headlock!
Vic Canon - But Masta Red slowly fights his way to his feet... He throws Walther to the ropes! Walther ducks a clothesline... he bounces off the ropes, and jumps over Masta Red... he bounces off the ropes again....
Eddie Sensation - OOH!!! BIG SPINEBUSTER BY MASTA RED! HA!! Walther just met the EWA's ring mat!!!
The Informer - Masta Red bounces off the ropes, and goes for a splash! But Walther moves, and Masta Red goes diving into the mat! Walther lifts Masta Red to his feet... Masta Red swings with a wild lariat! But Walther ducks, positions himself.... AND APPLIES A SLEEPER!!!
Vic Canon - Walther has it locked on!! Masta Red is struggling to get out of the hold!! OOH!! JAW BREAKER! Masta Red just dropped to the mat and Walther's jaw went crashing into the top of Masta Red's head!
Eddie Sensation - Now both guys are out cold on the mat!
The Informer - Damn! What a match so far! The referee is counting them out... he's at 3.... 4..... 5.....
Vic Canon - And both Eric Walther and Masta Red are getting to their feet! Walther gets up, in the middle of the ring... while Masta Red uses the ropes to help him up! Walther lunges at Masta Red with a clothesline, but Masta Red ducks.... LOOK OUT!!!! MASTA PLEX!!! MASTA PLEX!!!
Eddie Sensation - NO!!! WALTHER LANDED ON HIS FEET!!!! MASTA RED HAS NO IDEA THAT HE'S ON HIS FEET!!! HE THINKS HE HAS THE MATCH WON!!!!
The Informer - Masta Red gets to his feet, and raises his arms above his head! TURN AROUND BUDDY!!!
Vic Canon - Eric Walther rolls him up! Masta Red is stunned! The ref counts... 1.... 2.... 3!!!
Chris Myers - And the winner of this match, "The Rifleman" Eric Walther!
Eddie Sensation - Damn! That match was great! Im a little dizzy from all the back and forth action!
The Informer - Fans, we've got to take a quick commercial break!
Vic Canon - But first, we're going to show you some pre-taped footage of the Bj BOYZ from earlier today...and I must say...it's very...stupid....
Earlier Today... [There is a room full of doctors examining a mentally retarded man. They are poking at him and testing his reflexes. There are numerous little toys scattered around the room and a large two way observation mirror. Suddenly a voice can be heard over the PA system.]
Voice - Excuse me...doctors...
Dr. Andrews - Um...yes?
Dr. Spingles - We're in the middle of something here...
Voice - Yes, we'll try and be quick...we just got some orders from upstairs that this man needs an immediate anal probe.
Dr. Spingles - What?!?
Voice - Hey, I'm just relaying the message here...
Dr. Andrews - What do you mean "Orders from Upstairs"???
Voice - The higher ups, the officials. The top floor where all the executives make decisions! What do you think I meant?
Dr. Andrews - But...we're on the top floor right now!!!
Voice - .....
[Suddenly the door busts open and Scott Sanders rushes into the room followed by none other than the Bj BOYZ!!]
Scott Sanders - Ok, ok, we're going to need to clear this area right now! Lets go!
Brian Kress - You heard the man, lets get the fuck out of the room! We're taking over! Right Adam? Adam?
[Brian looks over and spots Adam hitting on a nurse. Brian smacks Adam in the back of the head and the Kress Brothers continue clearing the room. After the last doctors leave Adam and Brian walk over to the patient who is still on the table while Scot Sanders blocks the door.]
Brian Kress - Ok...what seems to be the problem here?!?
Greg Welsh - I...c..c..c..c..cant...say...my...lettow....ow's...
Adam Kress - What the hell is this guy saying?? I cant understand him, he cant say his R's right!!
Scott Sanders - I think it's all in his brain guys ... and he is sticking that spork up his anal cavity ... OUCH, thats not good!
Greg Welsh - N...n...no...I...cant say my ow's...that's what's wong. And me bum itch...MAKE IT STOWP!
Adam Kress - Man...someone shut this asshole up!! He's making me retarded just listening to him!
Brian Kress - Yeah I know, and I think there is blood dripping out of his asshole!
Adam Kress - It's like listening to a broken record or something...
[Adam picks up a small reflex tester and smacks Greg in the head with it.]
Greg Welsh - Oww....that hoot...
Adam Kress - This damn thing must be broken!!
[Adam hits Greg in the head repeatedly until Brian stops him.]
Brian Kress - WHOA!! Adam, hold on there bro...you're going to hurt yourself before you knock this dick out...his head is very hard...we need something else....
[Brian breaks the leg off a chair then cracks it across Greg Welsh's head. Greg slumps down on the table and begins to drool as he loses consciousness.]
Adam Kress - SUCCESS!!
[Adam and Brian high five as Scott Sanders stops them.]
Scott Sanders - Ok guys, lets not forget the reason we're here...we have to make sure your speaking skills are top notch for EWA television. You've been off for a while and we don't want you to be rusty. We'll do this by alphabetical order, so Brian, you go watch from the observation room while I interview Adam about EWA matters that have occurred during the Bj BOYZ departure....
Brian Kress - I'm going to miss you man...
[Brian gives Adam a big hug and squeezes the breath out of him.]
Adam Kress - [Gasping for air] God damn...we're only going into two different rooms...
Brian Kress - Oh yeah...
Adam Kress - fagot....
Brian Kress - WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!?
Scott Sanders - Whoa, hey!! Calm down guys...come on Adam...
[Brian growls at Adam and leaves the room as Adam begins to speak to Scott Sanders.]
Scott Sanders - So Adam...exactly how many women have you slept with since you left the EWA?
Adam Kress - Good God Scott...that's like asking how many craters are in the moon, or in EWA's case, how many craters are in Divine's ass. I have no clue...I cant count...next question.
Scott Sanders - Do you believe that Van Halen was better with David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar?
Adam Kress - I believe that Van Halen was much better with David Lee Roth, Scott. Now, don't get me wrong, Sammy Hagar was excellent, but he just wasn't in league with Diamond Dave.
Brian Kress - [Over the PA system] BULLSHIT!!! SAMMY WAS WAY BETTER THAN DAVID LEE ROTH!!!
Adam Kress - YEAH RIGHT!! How many hits did they have, huh?!? "Right Now"!! WHOA!!! That's a lot!!
Brian Kress - No, no, no, "Top of the world," "Why cant this be love," "Poundcake"...
Adam Kress - "Poundcake"?!?!? Give me a break!! Dave's list is much, much better!! "Jump," "Running with the Devil," "Hot for Teacher," "Beautiful Girls," "Panama," "Unchained"...
Scott Sanders - HEY!! You two aren't supposed to be interacting dammit!! Brian...don't speak on the PA system again!!!
Brian Kress - Sorry...
Scott Sanders - OK Adam...next question...what is the craziest thing you've ever seen Tom Stone do for money?
Adam Kress - Oh God....Tom Stone doesn't do anything for money because he's always loaded!! Tom Stone does insane things because he's a lunatic!! HEY BRIAN!!! BRIAN!!! Remember that time you, me, and Tom were in New Mexico and he....
Scott Sanders - WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?
Adam Kress - What?
Scott Sanders - You're not supposed to be talking to him!!! These are individual interviews!! The point is to get you're OWN opinions!!
Adam Kress - Ok, next question!!!
Scott Sanders - If you could change one thing in the EWA right now, what would it be?
Adam Kress - MORE WOMEN!!! Oh my God...I cant wait for the next Pay-Per-View...that cruise ship...all those chicks in thongs...SWEET JESUS!!!
Scott Sanders - Do you think about anything other than sex? You have the mind of a teenager. Tell Brian to come in and...don't interfere...why don't you go find a nurse to molest or something...
Adam Kress - GOOD IDEA!! HEY BRIAN!! YOUR TURN!!!!
[Adam Kress runs from the room as Brian anxiously runs in and takes a seat right next to Scott Sanders.]
Scott Sanders - Hey...a little too close aren't we? You can sit on the couch ya know!!
Brian Kress - Oh yeah!!
[Brian walks over to a large plush chair that resembles a bear. He sits there fidgeting for a while as Sanders just shrugs his shoulders and continues.]
Scott Sanders - Okay Brian, do you ever masturbate while in the tub??
Brian Kress - ..........
Scott Sanders - Riight. SO...do you believe in abortion??
Brian Kress - ..........
Scott Sanders - Oh god, this has taken a turn for the worse. NOW, maybe we can get on with this INTERVIEW?!?
[Brian just sits there, twitching nervously. Sanders scratches his chin and continues...]
Scott Sanders - Brian, there has been a rumor your not quite up to "tune" in the sack. Can you clear all of this up??
Brian Kress - ..........
Adam Kress - [Over the PA system] BRIAN! ITS OKAY, I'M RIGHT HERE!!
Brian Kress - ADAM!!! WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?
[Adam Kress takes off his shirt and begins to bang on the window, then starts to rub his chest against it. Brian jumps from the "bear chair" and goes up to the glass where he hears the noises. He lifts his shirt up and also rubs his stomach on the window.]
Adam Kress - ITS OKAY BRIAN!!! I WILL BE HERE WITH YOU!!! AND SO WILL STING!!!
[Adam pops in a CD, in a stereo which is back there and puts it up to the PA system. "Desert Rose" by Sting plays loudly as Adam and Brian both squeal with delight. Scott Sanders stands up and just goes for the doors ... which are locked.]
Adam Kress - BRIAN! DON'T LET HIM FLEE!!
[Adam turns out the lights ... screaming can be heard. The lights flick back on ... Brian throws the cotton stuffed chair at Sanders, he catches it. Lights go back out ... they come back on and ... SPINNING HEEL KICK BY THE BIG MAN!]
Adam Kress - YES!!!
[Adam runs out of the room and opens the door where Sanders and Brian are in. Brian and Adam high five three times and Sanders just mutters curse words from the ground below...]
[ The EWA Video Wall goes black. A series of commercials of EWA sponcers are shown. ]
Backstage... ["Shadowhawk" Drew Norwood has just arrived with Sean Waltzer in the Tacoma Dome in Tacoma, Washington. Both men are dressed in camouflage fatigues and they walk up to a nearby backstage assistant.]
"Shadowhawk" Drew Norwood - Excuse sir, could you direct me to my personal locker room sir?
Backstage Assistant - Sure, to get to your locker room walk down the long corridor, and it is the third door on your left.
"Shadowhawk" Drew Norwood - Thank you sir, and have a nice day.
[The Backstage Assistant then mumbles something to himself while taking out one hundred dollars from his pocket.]
Backstage Assistant - Yes I will have a nice day, but I'm afraid you won't.
["Shadowhawk" Drew Norwood and Sean Waltzer start to head down the long corridor and see the third door on the left which says "Drew Norwood" on the door. Drew Norwood and Sean Waltzer both walk into a dark room and close the door. Loud banging noises are heard in the dressing room and finally the lights are turned on. Both "Shadowhawk" Drew Norwood and Sean Waltzer are seen unconscious on the dressing room floor. Standing behind both men with a lead pipe is Howell.]
Howell - Now it seems that no one respects you army boys now! Hahaha!
[Howell then proceeds to walk out of the dressing room....]
The Informer - Welcome back to Heat folks, and what a big win by Eric Walther! You might even consider it a bit of an upset, wouldn't you say, Vic?
Vic Canon - Well, anytime a newcomer can take out the likes of Masta Red, then you know he's got some talent, that's for sure!
Eddie Sensation - I like this Walther guys… he kinda reminds me a little of myself. HA!
The Informer - Well, as Walther heads through the curtains to the back, it's time to move on with the program…
Vic Canon - That's right, Informer. Coming up next, we're gonna catch a word backstage with Divine!
Interview with "The Original Outlaw" Vinny D [Suddenly, a voice is heard over the speakers…]
"BULLSH*T! Total and complete BULLSH*T!" Eddie Sensation - What the heck??
The Informer - Uhh…
["The Original Outlaw" Vinny D is seen jumping over the security barricades at ringside through the fans. He's dressed in street clothes, and carries a mic as he climbs up into the ring…]
Vic Canon - IT'S "THE ORIGINAL OUTLAW" VINNY D! HE JUST CAME OUT THROUGH THE CROWD!
Eddie Sensation - MAN! He looks PISSED!
The Informer - After what happened last week… how could you blame him! That was… it was… ATTEMPTED VEHICULAR ASSAULT! I can't believe Arthryn went…
"The Original Outlaw" Vinny D - INFORMER, SHUT YOUR DAMN TRAP!
The Informer - ..as far as to….. OK!
"The Original Outlaw" Vinny D - ARTHRYN………… ARTHRYN!!!!
Vic Canon - He's pissed!
"The Original Outlaw" Vinny D - Ya know, I've been in this sport for a damn while now… and I've seen a lot of crazy sh*t! HELL, I even did a lot of crazy sh*t in my time! I've seen guys fall off cages… I've seen people forked in the face… and I've seen attempted stabbings… so yeah… WE ALL KNOW THERE'S A LOT OF CRAZY SH*T GOIN' DOWN IN THE EWA!
Eddie Sensation - HA! You can say that again!
"The Original Outlaw" Vinny D - But last week Arthryn… ya know, I wanna thank you right now! When you tried TO KILL THE OUTLAW BY DRIVING HIM STRAIGHT INTO A WALL VIA A LIMO… HA… Goddamn boy…
[Vinny D laughs and stares into the crowd for a moment…]
The Informer - Could you imagine what's going…
"The Original Outlaw" Vinny D - INFORMER, SHUT THE HELL UP!
The Informer - …in his mind…… OK!
"The Original Outlaw" Vinny D - Arthryn… I guess by tryin' to make my ass one with a concrete wall, you're basically telling me that……. ANYTHING GOES, HUH? There's nothing TOO EXTREME for Arthryn's taste, huh? WELL THAT'S FINE… AND THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME KNOW, ARTHRYN! BECAUSE I'M FINE PLAYIN' BY YOUR RULES! YOU WANNA PLAY GAMES WITH MY BIKE? YOU WANNA PLAY GAMES WITH LIMO'S TRAVELING AT HIGH SPEEDS… that's fine and dandy… BECAUSE "THE ORIGINAL OUTLAW" VINNY D WANTS TO PLAY A GAME OF MY OWN! IT'S CALLED "LET'S SEE HOW MANY BOOTS TO THE SKULL ARTHRYN CAN TAKE BEFORE HE STARTS LOOSING CONTROL OF HIS NORMAL BODILY FUNCTIONS"
Vic Canon - OH MY GOODNESS!
"The Original Outlaw" Vinny D - TONIGHT ARTHRYN, YOU AND ME… IN THE RING… LET'S SETTLE THIS SH*T! And being the Commish of this place… I ain't askin' ya Arthryn…
Eddie Sensation - UH OH!
The Informer - You better believe it, Eddie!
"The Original Outlaw" Vinny D - ARTHRYN……. I AIN'T ASKIN'…….. I'M TELLIN'! TONIGHT… YOU BECOME ANOTHER BUG ON MY WINDSHIELD, B*TCH!
[Out of the blue, the lights dim a bit. Not total darkness, just a bit. Little beams of gray light scatter throughout the arena. All of the little beams then gather in the center of the entranceway. A deep voice blares over the PA system saying "Vinny D, execution is getting closer." Like a very-well planned skit, right after, "Hangman Jury" by Aerosmith explodes over the sound system, as the crowd stand on their feet, recognizing who's next. Then, Arthryn steps out of the curtain to a choir of boo's and what not]
Arthryn - Bah! Shut up you all. I come in peace with y'all after all, so shut up for a moment.
[The crowd adds more heat to the moment, as Arthryn looks a bit stressed from it all]
Arthryn - Look, I am your representative. I am YOUR champion, I am YOUR olyimpic...no wait. I am your HOMETOWN HERO! And as such, I must point out some rights and wrongs that I see here tonight. For example, as I was looking from backstage, I saw two horses kissing each other at ringside. My first thought was: What in the name of Fuck? Tom Stone sure has weird guests. But as it turns out, it was two ugly, disgusting local citizens with a beer on hand, making a make-out party out of an EWA live event. You two know who you are, so how about you go ahead and have sex as well. I mean, everyone knows here in Tacoma, you're all a bunch of horny fucks ready to get laid by a horse or two. And they say Arkansas is fucked up. Good god, it wouldn't even surprise me if Vinny D had been born here. After all, he's as dumb as that boy right there, next to the "Arthryn sucks" sign who actually believes I suck and seems excited about it. But enough about Tacoma. You all know you suck, so why be redundant? Matter at hand is that human-being who once long ago took a long piss, and then noticed he hadn't pulled down his pants down, so he got pissed on himself, at himself and at life, and now stands as an ass-kissing, brown-nosing, "I think I'm more than I am" kind of guy, in the middle of the ring as we speak. And then...you dare challenge my ass to that ring? Boy, in the words of my unle 'da nigga'...you 'bout to git yo'ass whipped mofo, 'cause Vince...execution day...blah, you all know he's about to get fucked up.
[With that, he dropped the microphone and rushed into the ring.....]
The Informer - AND THERE'S THE BELL!! THIS MATCH IS UNDERWAY!!!
Vic Canon - Arthryn slides into the ring, and Vinny D quickly jumps on top of him! Vince is throwing punches to the face of Arthryn!! He's relentless!!!
Eddie Sensation - And now Vinny D has him by the hair, and he's slamming his head into the mat!! Wait, Arthryn grabs Vinny D, and flips him over! Now Arthryn is throwing the punches at Vince's face!!!
The Informer - Arthryn gets up off Vinny D, and picks him up to his feet. Arthryn throws Vince to the ropes, and swings for a clothesline! Vince ducks, turns around, and kicks Arthryn in the gut! PILEDRIVER!!!!!!!
Vic Canon - OH MAN!! He DROVE him into the mat with that one!!!
Eddie Sensation - But Vince isn't done! He's picking up Arthryn again...
The Informer - Vinny D throws Arthryn to the ropes! No! Arthryn reverses, and Vinny D goes into the ropes! Vince charges at Arthryn, but Arthryn jumps and Vince goes running underneath him!
Vic Canon - Vince puts the brakes on, and turns around...
Eddie Sensation - Vince is setting him up for something!
The Informer - WAIT, WHAT IS THIS! I THINK VINNY D HAS ARTHRYN SET AND READY FOR BARELY LEGAL! IF HE NAILS IT, IT'S OVER! SO DAMN OVER!!
Vic Canon - HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! NO, STOP HIM! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???
Eddie Sensation - THAT'S ERIC WALTHER! WALTHER JUST DROVE HIS FOREARM INTO THE BACK OF THE OUTLAW'S SKULL!
The Informer - DISQUALIFY HIM! WHAT IS THIS CRAP! RING THE BELL!
Chris Myers - Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this match by Disqualification is "The Original Outlaw" Vinny D!
Vic Canon - VINNY D IS THE WINNER OF THE BATTLE, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE THE WAR IS FAR FROM OVER GUYS!
Eddie Sensation - CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? OH! HOT DAMN!! THOSE ARE DELIBERATE KICKS TO THE RIBS BY ARTHRYN AND WALTHER!
The Informer - THEY'RE HUMBLING VINNY D WITH THOSE VICIOUS KICKS! MY GOODNESS! WHAT WILL STOP THE NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPION FROM GETTING WHAT HE WANTS??
Vic Canon - Finally, we're getting some officials in here!
Eddie Sensation - Holy crap, look at the look of dedication on the face of Arthryn! When that guy is pissed, I wouldn't stand in his way, that's for sure!
The Informer - Yeah, well if you ask me, the guy is a LUNATIC! And finally the EWA officials are getting these couple of NUTS out of the ring, and to the back!
Vic Canon - Somewhere along the lines, these men are going to meet again! It might be at Rock The Boat… and for Arthryn's sake, I'd hope not… because when Vinny D is pissed… HE'S PISSED! He'd probably toss Arthryn off the side of the boat!
Eddie Sensation - WHOA… dude, hold on a sec! What are they doin' now??
The Informer - OH GOD! NOT AGAIN! DO THESE GUYS HAVE NO SENSE OF DANGER!
Vic Canon - I GUESS NOT! BOTH ARTHRYN AND WALTHER ARE SITTING IN VINNY D'S BIKE!
Eddie Sensation - VEHICULAR HOMICIDE! VEHICULAR HOMICIDE! No, wait… what do you call it when someone steals a bike?
The Informer - THEY'RE JACKING HIS BIKE! ARTHRYN AND WALTHER ARE RIDING "THE ORIGINAL OUTLAW'S" BIKE UP THE RAMP!!
Vic Canon - LOOK AT THOSE REBELS!
Eddie Sensation - Holy crap, both those guys have a set of big ones! Imagine what Vinny D is gonna be thinking when he comes to in the ring!
The Informer - I've said it before, and I'll say it again! Arthryn has a death warrant on his head… and if he keeps pushing Vinny D to the limit, sooner or later The Outlaw is gonna sign it… IN ARTHRYN'S BLOOD!
Vic Canon - We've got a crew of officials tending to a fallen Vince Di Nardo in the ring. And on that note, lets head backstage!
Eddie Sensation - NO! SHOULDN'T IT BE BIKEHICULAR HOMICIDE?? OR BIKEHICULAR JACKING!
The Informer - Eddie, shut up! Let's go backstage!
Pre-Match Interview with Divine Rachel Stevens - I'm here now with Divine who is preparing for his "Poop on a Pole" match with El Gigante! Divine, you've just come out on top of a vicious feud with Cody Covington, and already you're starting trouble with El Gigante and his bodyguard Zoomer. You just cant seem to stay out of trouble, can you?
Divine - I cannot help it Rachel Stevens. Trouble find me. I'm not a bad guy, I do my part to help my community. By checking the bathroom stalls to make sure people flush is a very civic duty, and believe me Zoomer had cruel intentions to drop a disgusting log in that toilet and not flush it!!! I was going to do what you're supposed to do to a filthy dog...RUB HIS NOSE IN IT!!!!
Rachel Stevens - But who does that justify you urinating on Zoomer's feet? Isnt that worse than not flushing a toilet?!?
Divine - Ms. Stevens or should I call you Ms. Thang? The only thing I have to justify is my love for Tom Stone, other than that Divine makes no excuses. Rachel...deep in my heart I know I am right, and the rest of the world is wrong about a lot of things. For instance, I like to stick my penis in men's rectums while other men find that revolting. It's all in one's point of view! Tonight, some people might be revolted or disgusting by a "Poop on a Pole" match....BUT NOT DIVINE!!! Oh no, this "SHIT" turns me on! The rules of this match are quite simple....the first man to climb up that long, hard pole, and dump that bucket of warm, succulent shit on the other man wins...and you know what that means Rach...
Rachel Stevens - I'm sorry Divine, what does that mean?
Divine - Tsk, tsk, tsk Rachel...haven't I taught you anything girlfriend? IT MEANS I WIN EITHER WAY!!! If I lose, I'm covered in another man's shit, which usually costs me some money, but tonight I get it for free, and if I win....ooooooh, WHEN I win...I get to cover that little Mexican El Gigante with steamy, creamy, coo coo caca!!!
Rachel Stevens - Well Divine, one has to wonder just what your strategy is going into this bizarre match.
Divine - My strategy? Oh, it's very simple...smack the little spic until he screams for joy and then...MMMMMMMMMMMM....I cover the little bastard with as much feces as I can!!! My only question is, who supplied the fecal matter for this little shindig? WAS IT TOM STONE?!?!? I WANT TO KNOW!!!!! I WANT TO KNOW WHOSE SHIT I'M GOING TO BE PLAYING WITH!!!!
Rachel Stevens - Ok...back to you guys...
Pre-Match Interview with El GiGante Zed - Joining me at the moment is El GiGante along with his new bodyguard ZOOMER. Mr. El, tonight you will be going against Divine in what we like to call a Poop On a Poll match. I don't know about you but I would not like to be in a match with Divine and a pile of s*it on a poll.
El GiGante - I do agree with you on that one esa. But that mother f*cking homo tried to rape my new bodyguard when he had to do his business. And that pisses me off meng cause I don't like gay f*ckers trying to mess with my bodyguards. Divine got himself in his own mess meng and tonight I'm just gonna make it a bit more messier.
Zed - Well what are your thoughts on this ZOOMER. I mean you were the guy involved in this fiasco.
Zoomer - Wait you wanna know my thoughts on this?
Zed - Why yes.
Zoomer - Well I'll giving you my fucking thoughts!
[Zoomer grabs a chair leaning against one of the walls and flings it down the hallway. It makes a loud crashing noise when it hits one of the concession stands.]
Zoomer - I hate when queers even look at me let alone try to rape me. Divine you are one filthy, gay scumbag. And for that you should be ridden from earth. Tonight El will turn your gay @#$ straight.
Zed - Hmm.... that would be a good thing. Any last words Mr. El before we send it back to ringside?
El GiGante - Divine you homo, queer, flamming, packing piece of American s*it. I don't think I've ever told you this but listen up esa. When you F*CK WITH EL GIGANTE, YOU F*CK WITH DEATH! Now how bout ya bank on that one sista!
Zed - Back to ringside.
Poop On A Pole Match
Divine vs. El GiGanteVic Canon - Well fans, the ring crew has just finished setting up the pole that is attached to one of the turnbuckles that will hold...the...well...
Eddie Sensation - THE SHIT!!!
Vic Canon - Yes Eddie, that large hook at the top of the pole will hold the bucket of human waste.
The Informer - The object of this match is to reach that bucket and dump the contents onto your opponent.
Eddie Sensation - Whoa, wait a minute...so you mean there might be shit flying everywhere around here in a few minutes?
Vic Canon - Yes, and considering that Divine is involved in the match...that might not be all that is flying around...
Eddie Sensation - Hey, I learned my lesson at Global Threat with Divine's blood getting splashed on me, so I came prepared for this crap...
[ Eddie Sensation reaches under the commentary table and pulls out a large rain coat. He puts on the rain coat then puts on his headset and continues doing commentary. ]
Vic Canon - That has to be the most ridiculous looking thing I have ever seen...
Eddie Sensation - Yeah, you guys snicker and laugh now, but when the shit hits the fan I'll be the one smiling!!
The Informer - Hmm...I'm sure you will be smiling when the shit starts flying Eddie...
Eddie Sensation - Wha...HEY!! I DIDNT MEAN IT LIKE THAT!!!!
[ "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred begins to blast over the speakers. ]
Chris Myers - Introducing first, standing 6'8" and weighing 325 lbs, from CandyLand....DIVINE!
[ Divine gingerly makes his way towards the ring. ]
The Informer - Keep in mind that Divine has a distinct advantage in this match because of his height. El Gigante is only 5'10" and it will be harder for him to scale that pole, when Divine might be able to reach the bucket by just standing on the top rope.
Vic Canon - Divine is now in the ring and he's looking up at that bucket of crap...oh God...he's licking his damn lips...
Chris Myers - And his opponent...
[ "Rap Superstar" by Cypress Hill begins to play on the speakers. ]
Chris Myers - Being accompanied to the ring by Zoomer, standing 5'10" and weighing 175lbs, from Brooklyn New York, EL GIGANTE!!
Vic Canon - WOW! El Gigante rushes down the aisle and takes the fight right to Divine!
The Informer - This match is underway, and El Gigante has the upper hand...
Eddie Sensation - HAHA! You spoke too soon! Divine has the upper hand now!!
Vic Canon - I guess you could say that Eddie, seeing as how Divine just grabbed a handful of El Gigante's testicles...
The Informer - The referee admonishing the hold Divine has on Gigante, but the only way you can win this match is by dumping that bucket of poop on your opponent, so regular rules do not apply. Aw, come on Divine let go!!
Eddie Sensation - Hey, he must've heard you Informer!
Vic Canon - Maybe he...HEY!! He just let go of Gigante's balls only to kick him square in the crotch!! What the hell is that?!?
The Informer - Behavior like that is just deplorable and shouldn't even be allowed in the EWA. I cant stomach watching Divine wrestle.
Vic Canon - El Gigante is holding onto the ropes now, trying to catch his breath.
Eddie Sensation - He's not trying to catch his breath Cannon, he's trying to see if he still has balls after that deathlock Divine put on his boys!!
Vic Canon - OH!! And Divine clotheslines El Gigante over the top rope to the outside!
The Informer - Uh Oh! El Gigante might be in trouble now because Divine is moving towards that pole...and now he's climbing the turnbuckles!!
Vic Canon - El Gigante is just starting to move outside the ring and Divine is on the top rope, he's about to grab that bucket!! Look at his finger tips, they're just about to...LOOK OUT!!
Eddie Sensation - HEY!! What a cheater!!!
The Informer - El Gigante's bodyguard Zoomer just pushed Divine off the top rope onto the floor and Divine landed with a sickening thud.
Vic Canon - And Divine isnt moving either!
Eddie Sensation - Why did Zoomer have to stick his nose in this match anyway?!?
The Informer - Maybe because Divine stuck his nose in the bathroom stall last week when Zoomer was trying to make a bile movement Eddie! You're not rooting for Divine in this match are you?!?
Eddie Sensation - Uh...NO! HELL NO!!
Vic Canon - Gigante's back in the ring and he's making his way up the turnbuckles to the pole. El Giante is now climbing the pole...
Eddie Sensation - HAHA!! He's too small!! He cant reach it!!
The Informer - Wait a minute!! Zoomer is getting in the ring...
Vic Canon - And El Gigante is standing on Zoomer's shoulders to reach the bucket!!! What a show of teamwork!!
Eddie Sensation - Yeah...too bad this isnt a tag team match!
The Informer - Hold on a second guys...where did Divine go?!?
Eddie Sensation - What are you talking about, he's lying right....OH SHIT!!!
Vic Canon - All I know is that El Gigante is just about to reach that bucket and...GOOD GOD!! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL?!?
Eddie Sensation - DONT LOOK AT ME!!!
The Informer - UNDER THE RING...LOOK!!!
Vic Canon - Who's head is that poking out from under the...IT'S DIVINE!!
The Informer - What the hell is he pulling out from under the ring? It looks like...NO!!
Eddie Sensation - YES!! Divine has a second bucket of shit!!! He must've stashed it there before the match!!! What a genius!!
Vic Canon - But Divine sees that Gigante is about to grab the OFFICIAL bucket and isnt wasting any time, he puts his bucket down, slides under the bottom rope and...
The Informer - DOWN GO BOTH MEN!! Divine just clipped Zoomer's knee and Gigante came tumbling down to the mat hard!
Vic Canon - And Divine is taking advantage now! He's laying the boots to Zoomer, but the man he should be focused on his El Gigante!
The Informer - Divine throws Zoomer outside the ring, but where the hell is he going now?!?
Eddie Sensation - He's going for that bucket of shit outside the ring!
The Informer - I think you're right Eddie!! The referee is telling Divine that the official bucket is on that hook attached to the pole, but Divine wont listen!
Vic Canon - Divine's in the ring with that bucket...he's lifting it over his head to pour on El Gigante...Wait a minute!! Gigante's moving...
The Informer - YES!! Gigante just took out Divine's feet but...LOOK OUT!!!
[ The Informer and Vic Cannon jump from the announce table as the bucket of crap flies through the air and lands in Eddie Sensation's lap. Some fans at ringside are splashed with shit and begin to throw up. Eddie Sensation has a shocked look on his face as he slowly gets up and rushes to the back. As Eddie makes his way to the back someone can be seen walking down the aisle. ]
Vic Canon - Eddie just seems to have some bad luck doesn't he?
The Informer - Yeah, but who is that coming down the aisle? Eddie just flew past him...IT'S THE EXTREME CHAMPION!! TIKI TORTEZ!!
Vic Canon - What could he want during this match, and what does he have in his hands?
The Informer - Oh no, he has a bat...this could get ugly!!
Vic Canon - Well, Divine and Gigante are exchanging rights and lefts in the center of the ring, this match has boiled down to nothing but a slugfest, and now that the EWA Extreme Champion is outside the ring, this could get volatile...
The Informer - "Could get volatile"?? Vic...our announce table is covered in human shit!!! It doesn't get much more volatile!!!
Vic Canon - Divine ducks a right hand by Gigante and throws him off the ropes...Gigante ducks a clothesline from Divine, Gigante off the ropes again, Divine ducks a clothesline by Gigante, Gigante and Divine both bounce off the ropes...OH!! What a collision!! Both men had the same idea and collided in midair!!
The Informer - Both men are down, and Tiki Tortez is now coming closer to the ring!! What the hell is he doing?!?
Vic Canon - OH!!! Tiki just nailed Zoomer from behind with that bat and he's out cold!!!
The Informer - Yeah, but now he's coming towards us...
Vic Canon - Tiki's walking up the ringsteps....What the hell?!? He's hitting the pole with that bat...I SEE!! Tiki's going to knock the pole down and that shit is going to pour all over both men!!!
The Informer - The pole is bending...someone better stop Tiki!!!
Vic Canon - TIMBER!!!!
[ The pole slowly leans towards the ring and the bucket of shit spills everywhere. Divine and El Gigante get covered in it as Tiki Tortez runs in the ring. ]
Vic Canon - I think Divine and Gigante just realized that they're covered in shit.
The Informer - Divine must think he's died and gone to heaven...
Vic Canon - No, I think Divine's image of heaven would be Tom Stone naked on his bed.
The Informer - HEY! Dont go there!
Vic Canon - HEY!! WHAT THE HELL IS TIKI DOING?!? He just nailed El Gigante with that bat!!! Dont tell me Tiki is with DIVINE?!?!?
The Informer - Divine is whipping the shit out of his eyes and I think he sees Tiki beating Gigante with that bat...
Vic Canon - He sees!! Look at that smile on his face!! Wait...what's Divine saying to Tiki?
The Informer - I dont know, but Divine is point outside the ring and the Extreme Champion is listening.
Vic Canon - Tiki and Divine are leaving the ring....and going under it...OH GOD!!
The Informer - DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE VIC?!?!?
Vic Canon - YES!! Divine must have at least three or four buckets of shit hidden under the ring!!! What the hell was he planning to do here tonight?!?!?
The Informer - I dont know, but Tiki and Divine have those buckets of shit and I think El Gigante is going to get extremely soiled....
Vic Canon - NO WAIT!!! Travis Gaines!!! Travis Gaines just ran out of the crowd and is attacking Tiki Tortez!! Look at them go!! Rights and lefts to the faces of both men, but look at Divine!!
The Informer - He's just smiling! He looks like he's hypnotized or something...he's grabbing a bucket of shit and...HE JUST DUMPED IT ON TIKI AND TRAVIS!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM?!?
Vic Canon - Well Tiki Tortez and Travis Gaines have stopped attacking each other and I think it's starting to sink in that they are now covered in someone elses shit...OH!! And they double team Divine!!
The Informer - Look in the ring, Gigante is getting up....What's he doing?!?
Vic Canon - OH!! Gigante leaps over the top rope and lands on top of all three men!! It's a brawl out here and someone needs to break this mess up!!
The Informer - Good luck, I dont think anyone's coming out here anytime soon!
Vic Canon - Wait a minute, Divine's squriming out of the fight...where's he going?
The Informer - He's going back to the ring for those two remaining buckets of shit!!!
Vic Canon - THAT SICK FREAK!! HE CANT GET ENOUGH OF IT!!! Divine has the shit and...OH GOD!!
The Informer - All four men are covered in shit and are brawling up the entrance way!! Look at Divine!! He looks like a little kid in a snowball fight!!
Vic Canon - Tiki Tortez, Travis Gaines, and El Gigante are all going to have to take a looooong shower after tonight...
The Informer - We'll be back after this commercial break, hopefully someone will restore order before we get back....
[ The EWA Video Wall goes black. A series of commercials of EWA sponcers are shown. ]
Interview with Howell [The arena gets dark and the dim light shines on the entrance ramp. Out from behind the curtain steps Howell with the lead pipe in hand that he used to take out "Shadowhawk" Drew Norwood and Sean Waltzer earlier in the night. He slowly and sadistically walks to the ring while he receives a chorus of boos from the crowd. Howell then slides under the bottom rope into the ring as bottles and other trash materials are thrown in the ring.]
Howell - "Shadowhawk" Drew Norwood, how stupid could you possibly be?! You come out here saying you are a great man, serving your country in wars, military action, and your five army men buddies with pleasure... well we don't need to get into that one. Norwood you trust all of these morons in the crowd and around this country because you served them in wars. Now are you being naïve or are you just plain stupid. You think everyone here in America..the United States is grateful to you for fighting in the army for them, I bet 75% of the people couldn't give a shit about you serving them or not.... because the fact of the matter is no one really gives a damn..especially me. Now there is one difference from these people in the crowd here and myself. They actually have the audacity to cheer you eventhough you simply can't cut it as a wrestler. I mean have you ever even fought a match in your life?! The army might be your little realm... but the ring is mine and Norwood to put it plain and simple... when you come into my realm, you're going to get hurt!
Howell - I mean I am not a nice guy. I am not gonna take it easy on you because you are a rookie..you kind of found that out a little while ago when I smashed you in the head with this here lead pipe! And now you want respect..you are demanding respect from me... you want some damn respect... well Norwood first you can respect this!
[Howell steps outside of the ring and walks over to a ring crew member in the aisleway. Howell takes the lead pipe and blasts him right in the stomach with it... and then he turns the ring crew member around and puts on the Malicious Intent onto the man. He keeps the hold on the crew member as he finally passes out and then lets go of the hold. Not showing anything from his actions he slides back into the ring.]
Howell - YOU SEE NORWOOD... THAT WAS COMPASSION!! I KNEW I COULD HAVE KILLED THE GUY BUT I SHOWED COMPASSION FOR ONE SINGLE SECOND! AND I PROMISE YOU NORWOOD I WILL NEVER SHOW ANY AGAIN!! SO ANYTIME.... ANYWHERE... YOU WANT SOME OF ME THEN COME AND GET IT AND YOU'LL SEE WHAT KIND OF RESPECT I HAVE FOR YOU!!
[Howell then steps out of the ring as the lights dim once again and he walks up the entrance ramp and out of the arena.]
Backstage... [The camera zooms in to see Rob DiMarco walking backstage. It then spins around to reveal Zed walking in the opposite direction of DiMarco.... soon they'll be face to face! Zed has a coffee in his hand....]
Rob DiMarco - [Mumbles to himself] Oh great... here comes that idiot...
Zed - HEY ROBBY! NICE PANTS!
Rob DiMarco - Uhh, thanks!
Zed - ....AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!
[Zed "trips", and drops the coffee all over DiMarco's pants!]
Zed - OOPS!
[Zed runs away like a little girl, as DiMarco stands there and stares at him....]
[ The EWA Video Wall goes black. A series of commercials of EWA sponcers are shown. ]
The Informer - Welcome back to Heat fans! And up next, we have--[Suddenly, the arena goes black and the fans begin to cheer loudly. They have no idea about what is going to happen next. Just then, a red light hits the entrance ramps stage area and a shadowy figure walks out. A microphone stands there and he walks up to it and begins to speak...]
Unknown Figure - Mic Check... Check One...
[Static can be hear as the man whips around a guitar from his back side and begins to paly a couple of strings. He is wearing some sort of werid mask. His hair is long, blonde and curly. He is wearing a black jacket with the letters FMC inscribed on the sleeve.]
Unknown Figure - ALRIGHT ALL YOU CRAZY ASS HICKS... THIS AIN'T NO AMERCIAN BAD ASS SHIT... THIS AIN'T NO KID ROCK OR HANSON VIDEO... THIS IS REAL HARDCORE SHIT!!!!!!!!
[Suddenly, a LARGE banner drops from the roof. It is a large Slipknot logo, which hangs above the now obvious stage. "Wait and Bleed" by Slipknot begins to play. The arena lights up to reveal SLIPKNOT!!! But, there is only 5 people on stage... 4 guitarists and 1 drummer.... where are the other members??]
4 - I've felt the hate rise up in me...
[The fans begin to go crazy. The cheering gets louder and louder as mosh pits form in front of the EWA entrance ramp. Security is being ambushed by Slipknot fans in the crowd.]
4 - Kneel down and clear the Tom Stone of leaves... I wander out where he can't see... Inside my shell, I wait and bleed... [Pauses] ......Goodbye!
2 - I wipe it off on Heat, the light is brighter this time... EVERYTHING IS 3D BLASPHEMY... My eyes are red and gold, the hair is standing straight up.... this is not the way I pictured me!
[Suddenly the crowd stops as the guitarists begin to smash their guitars, and light them on fire Jimmy Hendrix styles. The crowd begins to cheer EVEN LOUDER!]
4 - Yeah you FUCKERS LIKE THAT SHIT???
[The crowd goes CRAZY! But suddenly, The Hollywood Worm emerges from the backstage area with a mic in hand....]
The Hollywood Worm - SO THIS IS WHAT YOU AMERICAN IDIOTS CALL FUN?!?!? You enjoy watching freaks scream profane lyrics about Satan and Death... while they burn and smash their guitars???
[The fans begin to Boo and throw drinks and food on the stage...]
The Hollywood Worm - YOU KNOW WHAT, SLIPKNOT??? YOU ALONG WITH THESE OTHER TRAILOR PARK TRASH PEASANTS SUCK!!!
[Suddenly number 4 takes of his mask to reveal CHRIS JERICHO! The rest of the band takes of their masks to reaveal none other than THE REST OF THE FU MAN CREW... Divine, WaR CrYmE, Adam and Brian Kress!!]
The Hollywood Worm - Oh.. oh... oh oh my god... I-I-I-I-I THOUGHT...OH NO...PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!!!!!
[The Hollywood Worm drops to his knees and begs for mercy...]
Chris Jericho - How many of you wanna see this Jerky... hmmm.... GET BURNED LIKE A GUITAR???
[The crowd cheers violently and suddenly begins to cheer "BURN THE WORM! BURN THE WORM! BURN THE WORM!"]
Divine - HOW MANY OF YOU WERE ENJOYING OUR CONCERT?!?!?!
[The building explodes again!]
Adam Kress - But, it was interupted by this IDIOT! AREN'T YOU ALL UPSET THAT THIS IDIOT SCREWED UP OUR CONCERT???
Brian Kress - That's not good for ratings Mr. Stone! And even though we LOATHE YOU--
Chris Jericho - ....EVEN THOUGH WE LOATHE YOU AND WOULD RATHER SEE YOU HANG FORM A TREE, THE FU MAN CREW IS ALL ABOUT RATINGS!!! AND WORM... THE RATINGS ARE ABOUT TO GO THROUGH THE ROOF!!!
[Da BJ Boyz run backstage, and come back seconds later. They now have a container of gasoline and some matches. Divine and WaR CrYmE walk up to The Hollywood Worm, and drag him to his feet.]
Chris Jericho - So Timmy... you wanted to SCREW ME... HAHAHA.... NOW EACH AND EVERY WEEK, ONE EWA "SUPERSTAR" WILL PAY FOR YOUR SINS...
[Jericho points to the Hollywood Worm. In the background, Divine and WaR CrYmE can be seen pouring gasoline all over the remaining 3 guitars and set of drums. Adam Kress then grabs the matches, and sets everything on fire!]
Chris Jericho - THE CARNAGE WILL NOT STOP UNTIL THE FU MAN CREW GETS THE RESPECT THEY DESERVE!!!
[Divine and Brian Kress both grab a guitar each. The ends of the guitars are dangerously on fire...]
Chris Jericho - TIM... HERE'S NUMBER ONE!!!!!!!! LEMME HEAR SOME MORE NOISE!!!!!!!!!!
[The cheers in the arena are deafening! Divine charges at The Hollywood Worm and nails him with the burning guitar! Brian Kress does the same, hitting The Worm right in the stomach! Adam Kress then lays the drums out on the ground, and WaR CrYmE approaches The Worm. He grabs him, and puts him THROUGH the flaming drums with Genocidal Tendencies!! The rest of the Fu Man Crew proceed to put all the flaming objects around the body of The Hollywood Worm, and leave him unconcious.]
Backstage... [As the cameras switch to the backstage area, "Shadowhawk" Drew Norwood sits perched atop a set of shipping boxes in the main garage area. Howell comes out from the locker room area, apparently heading for his car. As he rounds the corner near where Norwood is on his left, he notices Sean Waltzer standing to his right and turns to face him, lead pipe raised.]
Howell - So, you want some more, Waltzer? I'll be glad to give it to you.
[Waltzer makes a "tsk, tsk, tsk" motion.]
Sean Waltzer - You know...turning to face me was not the action you should have taken...now!
[Howell turns around quickly, only to be clotheslined from a leaping Norwood. Norwood gets up quickly and cradles Howell's head, then snap-suplexing him into the concrete as Howell screams out in pain. Norwood, with a fire in his eyes, picks Howell up cradles him in a Dragon Sleeper setup, followed by a modified guillotine submission hold of Howell's body with his legs as both men fall to the ground, Howell visibly hurting from the hold.]
"Shadowhawk" Drew Norwood - Messing with me I can deal with...but then you go out there and attempt to hurt innocent people? That is NOT going to sit well with me, sir!
[Norwood continues to increase his clutch on Howell until Howell passes out, at which point, Norwood finally lets go. He stands up, brushes himself off, and begins to walk away, still facing Howell's unconscious figure.]
"Shadowhawk" Drew Norwood - Perhaps that will teach you not to disrespect a member of the armed services, Howell. Come on, Sean...let's go take care of some business.
[Norwood and Waltzer leave the area as paramedics rush in from another part of the arena to look after Howell as the cameras cut back to the announcing crew.]
[ The EWA Video Wall goes black. A series of commercials of EWA sponcers are shown. ]
Pre-Match Interview with Tiki Tortez [The camera sets in to somewhere in the arena here at Tacoma, Washington. An eerie mood is set around the empty hallway as a man steps into view. It is Zed as he walks toward someone's dressing room. A label is on the front door as it read "Tricky" Tiki Tortez. He waits a minute and then steps inside. Tiki is seen sitting on a couch watching TV.]
Zed - Um...hello?
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - [Startled] What do you want Zed?
Zed - Hey man, I need to get your pre-match interview for your match in a few minutes.
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - Oh shit! I forgot all about that. Aw well, who gives a damn, it is going to be a piece of cake anyway.
Zed - Well, I still have to get your interview in.
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - Ok, go ahead...no skin off my back.
Zed - Great...first question...why did you accept this match? I mean three wrestlers vs. you, isn't that a stretch?
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - Of course it is a "stretch", but that wasn't a thought in my head. When I accepted this match the only thing I was worried about was the fact that I am allowed to fight whoever I want if I win. This means that no matter what happens, if I win this match, under any circumstances, I am the champion. It can't be put any easier than that. This is like my dream come true here in the EWA. When I joined, I was given a huge opportunity, but it easily surpassed me. Now, I am given the chance of a life-time, and that is the opportunity to show my power and give myself the opportunity to fight whomever I want in the ring. It is just incredible man. And I am not doing this for the fans, no I am doing this for me and me only.
Zed - Well, when you say you are doing this just for you...do you really mean that? Believe it or not, but there are some people out there in the crowd that still cheer for you every night. Even if it is 1 person, that is 1 person.
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - Yes I am doing this for me! If they want to tag along and follow me in my glory then so be it. I don't care who they like or who they don't like. I am not going to change for them and I don't know any of them. So why should I do something for someone I have never met? It just doesn't make any sense. My whole out look on coming into the EWA was not for my future fans, the person waiting outside, or anyone else. It was for me, is for me, and always will be for me. Did any of the fans help me become 4-0, did any of them help me attain the Extreme Title and defend it successfully whenever needed...NO! That is because this is for me. I am not going to do this for anyone else. I am me...and that is what I believe in.
Zed - Ah, I see what you mean.
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - I hope so.
Zed - Good.
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - Good.
Zed - Fine.
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - Fine.
Zed - Ok, enough of this. I have another question for you today.
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - Shoot.
Zed - Ok, now if you do happen to win this match...
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - I am going to win.
Zed - Ok, but if you don't...
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - I will win!
Zed - Well, what happens if that huge chicken comes in, dressed in yellow feathers, and tears the ring open. He beats you to a pulp causing all 3 of the other wrestlers to pin you in a huge mess?
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - Whatever...just finish the question and substitute "if" into "when".
Zed - Ok...[Sarcastically] when you win your match...who do you plan on facing?
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - Well, I do have someone picked out, and after I win tonight I will announce who he is. Sure this match is going to be so easy. Much easier than you can imagine. I can't wait to step into this ring. But, once I am finished, I will announce it. You can anticipate that.
Zed - I see, so I have one more question for you...what are you future plans with this Extreme Title?
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - I plan to have it around my waist until all of eternity.
Zed - Really?
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - Yeah...really.
Zed - Ok, well, I don't have anymore questions for you. Good luck in the ring and try not to injure them too bad.
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - I won't [Winks]
[Zed shakes Tortez's hand as he leaves the dressing room. Zed is outside the room when he looks into the camera that has been following him around.]
Zed - And there you have it, words from a VERY confident man...Back to you guys!
Handicap Match
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez vs. Brandon Kearse/Moral/The WildmanChris Myers - This next match is scheduled for one fall, and is a Handicap Match!
["Beautiful People" by Marilyn Manson blasts through the speakers...]
Chris Myers - Introducing first... accompanied to the ring by Ashley Kearse, standing 6'3" and weighing in at 250 pounds, from California, "The Foundation" Brandon Kearse!
[Ashley Kearse and "The Foundation" Brandon Kearse step out from behind the curtain and head towards the ring.]
["Children Of The Korn" by Korn blasts through the speakers...]
Chris Myers - Next... standing 6'4" and weighing in at 278 pounds, from Hells Kitchen, New York, Moral!
[Moral steps out from behind the curtain and heads towards the ring.]
["Calm Like A Bomb" by Rage Against The Machine blasts through the speakers...]
Chris Myers - ...standing 6'4" and weighing in at 304 pounds, from Indianapolis, Indiana, The Wildman!
[The Wildman steps out from behind the curtain and heads towards the ring.]
["Break Out" by Foo Fighters blasts through the speakers...]
Chris Myers - And their opponent... accompanied to the ring by Trè Parker, standing 6'6" and weighing in at 252 pounds, from Lisbon, New York, the EWA Extreme Champion, "Tricky" Tiki Tortez!
[Trè Parker and the EWA Extreme Champion, "Tricky" Tiki Tortez step out from behind the curtain and head towards the ring.]
The Informer - Here's some one-sided, unfair, Tom Stone-like match! Also known as a Handicap Match!
Vic Canon - Tiki Tortez will attempt to take on THREE opponents tonight... one being a former Extreme Champion, and the other being two great athletes! This should be a good match!
Eddie Sensation - It should also be quick! There's the bell! Lets see how long it takes!
The Informer - Tiki Tortez is being careful of what he does... Moral charges at him! CLOTHESLINE! Down goes Moral! Kearse charges at him... Back Body Drop! Kearse is on his back! And finally, the Wildman comes charging in.... LOOK OUT!
Vic Canon - Oh! The Extreme Champ just side-stepped Wildman, sending him flying over the top rope!! The Wildman is out here infront of us, on the cold concrete floor!
Eddie Sensation - Kearse and Moral are up! They're both going after Tiki at the same time!
The Informer - And we have an ambush! Brandon Kearse and Moral are punching and kicking away at Tiki Tortez as he sits helplessly in the corner! And The Wildman is getting back into the ring! Now he's joining the ambush!
Vic Canon - Its 3 on 1! Tortez is in a bad position now! The Wildman scoops him up... Bodyslam! Kearse times it perfectly... ELBOW DROP! And here comes Moral!!! BIG SPLASH!!! Three big moves, all at once!
Eddie Sensation - Moral goes for the cover! No, wait! Kearse just pulled him off, and now Kearse is going for the cover! LOOK OUT!! OH!! Leg drop on the back of the head of Brandon Kearse by The Wildman! Now the Wildman is going for the pin! 1.... No! Tiki kicks out at one!
The Informer - The team of Brandon Kearse, Moral and The Wildman aren't working together at all!! They all want to be the ones who win the match!
Vic Canon - Thats not good.. not good at all! Tiki will capitalize on mistakes like that! Tiki is up... Forearm to the head of Wildman! OH! Double Clothesline by Tortez puts Moral and Kearse down on the mat! The Wildman gets up... Drop Kick! And Tiki Tortez sends The Wildman flying over the top rope yet again!!
Eddie Sensation - Tiki grabs Moral, and throws him to the ropes..... SPINEBUSTER! Kearse is up! He charges at Tiki as he gets to his feet... SPEAR BY KEARSE! NO!
The Informer - Tiki uses Kearses momentum... aaaand..... POWERBOMB!!!!! GREAT MOVE!!!!! Tiki goes for the cover.... 1...... 2..... No! Moral breaks it up!
Vic Canon - Moral gets to his feet... So does Tiki... Tiki kicks Moral in the gut... DDT! And Tiki gets to his feet again!
Eddie Sensation - LOOK OUT! OH!!! The Wildman just tripped Tiki! and now The Wildman is getting into the ring....
The Informer - The Wildman lifts Tiki to his feet, and scoops him up! Wham! Samoan Drop! Wait a minute... i think Tiki's boot hit the ref in the eye as he went down! The referee is having a hard time seeing whats going on!!
Vic Canon - Now Tiki is rolling to the outside.... and The Wildman is following him out there! Tiki grabs The Wildman by the head.... OOH!!! RIGHT INTO THE STEEL RING POLE!!!! The Wildman stumbles backwards, right into Tiki! LOOK OUT!!! TRICK OR TREAT, RIGHT ONTO THE CONCRETE FLOOR!!!!
Eddie Sensation - Damn! The Wildman isn't going to get up for a long time after that one!
The Informer - And now Tiki is getting back into the ring! Wait a minute... look! Here comes Divine and El GiGante! One right after the other one!
Vic Canon - Divine is in the ring... Kearse charges at him... Divine grabs him by the head, and throws him over the top rope! GiGante slides in... he grabs Moral.... LOOK OUT!!! OOH!!! TOTAL ANNIHILATION!!!! MORAL IS OUT COLD!!!
Eddie Sensation - And now Tiki is on his feet! Divine charges at him! CLOTHESLINE BY TIKI! DIVINE GOES DOWN! GiGante is right behind Divine, and Tiki kept going with that clothesline, and he knocked GiGante down with it as well! Two for one shot!!
The Informer - Divine and GiGante get to their feet... they're standing side-by-side, right beside the ropes! Tiki charges at them.... OOH!!! BIG DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE SENDS BOTH MEN OVER THE TOP ROPE!!!
Vic Canon - Tiki turns around, and see's Brandon Kearse charging at him! Wait a minute... Kearse is yelling something....
Eddie Sensation - Sounds like "PIKACHU!!!!!!!!".... that guy has problems....
The Informer - Tiki scoops him up.... TRICK OR TREAT! KEARSE IS OUT!
Vic Canon - Look! GiGante has a steel chair! He's in the ring! WHAM!!!! OH MAN!!! HE JUST NAILED TIKI RIGHT IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD!!!!!!
Eddie Sensation - HAHA!!! But look! Tiki fell forward and landed on Brandon Kearse! And now the ref is up, and he's counting the pin! 1..... 2...... 3!!!
Chris Myers - And the winner of this match... the EWA Extreme Champion, "Tricky" Tiki Tortez!
The Informer - Well, regardless of that finish, Tiki has won! He gets to fight WHOEVER he chooses!!
Vic Canon - Right... but he's going to have to do it with a large bump on his head! Because that chair shot WILL leave a mark!
Eddie Sensation - Vic, you ARE a mark!
The Informer - Haha! Fans, we'll be right back!
[ The EWA Video Wall goes black. A series of commercials of EWA sponcers are shown. ]
Backstage... [Rachel Stevens is shown jogging down the hallway. He then spots "Tricky" Tiki Tortez in the back. Stevens immediately rushes toward him and begins to speak.]
Rachel Stevens - [Out of breath] Mr. Tortez...can I have a word with you?
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - [Rubs his forehead] Yeah, but hurry up. There are a couple of bastards that are going to need a big ass whooping and they are going to get it soon.
Rachel Stevens - Ok...sounds like fun, but I do have to get this one question in.
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - I know what you are going to ask.
Rachel Stevens - You do?
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - Of course...you want to know who I have decided to face for Heat next week.
Rachel Stevens - Well...yeah?
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - I have decided to face...EL GIGANTE!
Rachel Stevens - Huh? Why him?
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - It's personal...got it?
Rachel Stevens - Sure, but why wouldn't you choose someone like Chandler or Serial Thrylla?
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - Why? Because I don't want to face someone like them. I have no beef against them, and personally I don't give a damn about their outlook on America. I was born on the border of America and Canada (Lisbon, NY), so that is a vague image for me. [Pause] Are you done?
Rachel Stevens - Yes I am.
"Tricky" Tiki Tortez - Good...I'm out!
[Tiki pushes past Stevens and walks out the back. Stevens looks back into the camera.]
Rachel Stevens - There you have it, Tiki Tortez will face El Gigante next week on Heat, and I think we can all assume that this is for the Extreme Title. Back to you guys...
Interview with Drew Norwood [The arena blacks out as "There Goes The Neighborhood" by Sheryl Crow begins to come out over the loudsystem. Hunter green spotlights flood the arena and alert sirens begin to sound as "Shadowhawk" Drew Norwood walks out through the curtain, led as usual by Sean Waltzer. The fans cheer loudly as the men make their way to the ring, Waltzer stopping to grab a microphone from the ring announcer. As they get in the ring, Waltzer hands the mic to Norwood, who requests silence from the fans as he begins to speak.]
"Shadowhawk" Drew Norwood - Howell, what you received a few moments ago was only a taste of what I have to offer you. You have done nothing but shown me disrespect and then tonight, you decided to attempt to take us both out with that pipe of yours.
[Norwood points to his forehead, which has a visible bruise from the blow he received earlier in the program.]
"Shadowhawk" Drew Norwood - You see this, Howell? This is nothing but a minor bruise that will go away with time and care. But you, my friend, you shall suffer pain far more embarassing...far more devastating...far more intense than ANYTHING you have felt before if you cross my line again. I put you unconscious in the back, but that is NOTHING compared to what I will do to you if you dare disrespect me again, Howell.
[Waltzer takes the mic from Norwood as the fans pop.]
Sean Waltzer - Howell, what you have said and done tonight has shown the EWA two things. First, it has shown us that you care nothing about the men and women who have served this country time and time again, preventing the spread of evil and furthering the spread of freedom and democracy. Second, it has shown us that you think hurting innocent people is perfectly alright and will be let through by the EWA and the fans. Well, let's get one thing straight right now...if you think for one minute that Norwood or myself is going to sit here passively and let it slide...you just found out how untrue that thinking is. You say you want a piece of Norwood? You just got it, except that you were unable to counter his attack. You want compassion...you don't deserve it at all!
[Norwood stops Waltzer in the middle of his rant and requests the mic, which is handed over.]
"Shadowhawk" Drew Norwood - In fact, let's settle this thing, Howell. Next week on Heat, you and me...one on one...hell, I'll even tell my partners to stay out of it to make it a no-interference match. You are going to get what you deserve, Howell...the worst beating of your life! And as you sit in your hotel room tonight, icing your neck and body from the suffering I gave out, you must ask yourself one simple question:
[The camera zooms in on Norwood.]
"Shadowhawk" Drew Norwood - Are you ready for YOUR Silent Flight?
[The crowd pops loud as Norwood tosses the mic to the announcer before climbing the turnbuckle with his arms raised high. Finally, Waltzer and Norwood make their way to the back and the camera switches back to the commentators.]
[ The EWA Video Wall goes black. A series of commercials of EWA sponcers are shown. ]
Pre-Match Interview with Da BJ Boyz Rachel Stevens - I'm standing here with quite possibly the greatest tag team to ever step in a wrestling ring, the Bj BOYZ. Now it was just a week ago that you guys returned to the EWA and tonight you've got a tag team title match!! What are your thoughts going into tonight's big match up?
Adam Kress - Well Rachel, it's really nice to see that some things never change. You're still as hot as ever, and the EWA Tag Team scene is as dead as ever!!
Rachel Stevens - And you're still as arrogant as ever...
Adam Kress - I don't think I'm arrogant, do you think I'm arrogant Bri?
Brian Kress - Not at all!!
Adam Kress - See, I'm not arrogant, I'm just part of the best damn tag team in the world and I know it!! And as far as the EWA Tag Team title scene goes...The division was dead when we left it, and it was dead when we came back, but as of right now that's all about to change! TONIGHT we take back what is rightfully ours and we hold nothing back. TONIGHT we make a statement and we show the entire wrestling world that WE ARE tag team wrestling, and that WE ARE for real!!
Brian Kress - Tonight's big match-up?? I don't want to be enthusiastic about this but I really didn't want to get involved with the titles this way. I mean, we just got back! We haven't wrestled in a while now, its not like we couldn't beat the Cows in Black ... hell, its not like ANYONE COULDN'T BEAT THE CIB ... I just had different thoughts in my mind. I'm sure we could show EVERYONE of you in the back that we stand out on our own, that we don't need the tag team title belts around our waists to make us look good. But I wouldn't put the blame on Tom Stone's shoulders, if I were him I'd be forced to do the same thing. What do people think when they see two overgrown children dressed in cow suits trying to wrestle?! It makes people turn channels, that's what it does! With us returning to the tag team title scene, out of all the dark clouds...a beam of light shines down from the heavens...and all the little children gather in a circle around this mysterious light. [Speaks softly] Mother, mother...what is this weird light?! We...we have had the plague for months now, ever since the spoiled milk we went downhill. [Speaks normally] The children are amazed, hope grows throughout the small ghetto known as the EWA Tag Team Roster. Then a large hand lowers to the street..... where the single light is, the light grows just wide enough to shine down upon two men and God says. [Talks in a deep voice] YES, it has been HELL for you, my children. Having the tag team titles being held by the likes of Slippery Illegal Aliens, A tag team with no charisma, and to add to all the chaos, increasing the poverty ... we had to put up with good for nothing COWS! I have single handedly re-created the tag team roster...let there be TWO MEN! LET THERE BE BJ'S!!!!
Rachel Stevens - Yes, well I think the Cows in Black will have something to say about that. They are the current EWA tag team champions and tonight you'll have to beat them.
Adam Kress - Whoa, just hold on a second there Rachel, because if you want to get all technical and shit we never lost the EWA Tag Team titles, we were stripped of them. And speaking of stripping things...what are you doing after HEAT tonight?
Rachel Stevens - Umm...well what about the Regulators? They never lost the EWA Tag Team titles the last time they had them either!
Adam Kress - Oh God!! I was waiting for you to bring them up. Lets get something straight the Bj BOYZ having nothing but respect for those two guys, but I think I speak for both of us when I say that we are sick and tired of being compared to those guys and counted out as second best. We didn't come to the EWA to be second best, and we're not gonna be!! Our entire lives we've strived to be number one, and if it's the last God damned thing that we EVER do in this business we will prove that we are better than them, but lets not forget that the Regulators forfeited the EWA Tag Team titles, we were stripped by Tommy Warbucks.
Brian Kress - Can everyone PLEASE forget about them for once?! God damn, we are always being compared to them when I want you all to realize one DAMN thing ... we are not the FUCKING REGULATORS, nor do we ever want to be! You know who we are?!? WE ARE DA BJ BOYZ! NOTHING ELSE! FUCK THE REGULATORS already ... what do we have to do to get some respect around here?! No matter what, it seems like they get to out do us ... just like at Global Threat, wow ... we come out with Team Ballz hockey jerseys on. But we get a fight from both Chandler and Thrylla, so then OH ... LOOK OUT NOW! ITS A HUMMER! THEY FRIGHTEN TEAM BALLZ AND TOM STONE AWAY! FUCK DAT! I can put MONEY on it that we could TAKE The Regulators in any form of competition! Grunting pieces of shit ... god damn! If you want to hear grunting come to my hotel room at night and hear some chick grunt if you get your jollies that way!
Adam Kress - Hey Brian, why don't you CHILL OUT?! Jesus Christ!
Brian Kress - Sorry Adam, I got a little carried away there....
Adam Kress - You forget your pills again??
Brian Kress - Yeah I thi... HEY! I don't take any pills! SHUT UP!
Adam Kress - But lets not forget about what we've gotta do tonight Rach. Lets not forget about those paper champions, The Cows in Black....The Cows in Black....Jesus Christ, I thought our team's name was off the wall. What the hell has Stone stooped to for Christ's sake?? The Cows in Black. These guys are a damn joke, and a disgrace to those belts that were held by greats such as the Regulators, Diamante, Deuce...and well...that's about it....if you don't count us, but I don't want to throw Bj BOYZ in there because I've never been one to toot my own horn, right Brian?
Brian Kress - Of course, that would be too egotistical, and we all know the Bj BOYZ don't have egos.
Rachel Stevens - I think that is highly debatably...
Adam Kress - Are you trying to say something Rachel? Are you hinting at something here?!?
Rachel Stevens - Oh nothing, but for two guys who don't have egos I think it's pretty odd that you decided to no-show the HEAT after Global Threat, by writing Tom Stone a letter.
Adam Kress - Hey, don't look at me, that was his bright idea!
Brian Kress - Yeah!! Didn't think I could type that good could ya??
Adam Kress - We don't have egos Rachel. I think you might be getting mixed up with the breakfast food, but don't worry we forgive you, after all you are blonde...C'mon Brian....lets milk these damn Cows!!
Rachel Stevens - Hey!! Back to you guys....
EWA Tag Team Title Match
Cows In Black vs. Da BJ BoyzChris Myers - This next match is scheduled for one fall!
["Cemetary Gates" by Pantera blasts through the speakers...]
Chris Myers - Introducing first... accompanied to the ring by Scott Sanders, at a total combined weight of 482 pounds, Adam and Brian Kress, Da BJ Boyz!
[Scott Sanders and Da BJ Boyz step out from behind the curtain and head towards the ring.]
["Cows In Black" by Will Smith blasts through the speakers...]
Chris Myers - Introducing first... accompanied to the ring by Bessy, at a total combined weight of 545 pounds, International Cow and European Cow, the Cows In Black!
[Bessy and the Cows in Black step out from behind the curtain and head towards the ring.]
The Informer - This one should be GREAT fans! The Cows have been gloating for WEEKS about how much better they are than Da BJ Boyz... now it's time to see if they really are! There's the bell!
Vic Canon - LOOK OUT! Da BJ Boyz aren't even treating this like a tag team match! All 4 men are in the ring! Adam Kress kicks International Cow in the gut... DDT!
Eddie Sensation - Both BJ Boyz approach European Cow... Adam Kress with a left! Brian Kress with a right! Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right!
The Informer - European Cow is dazed!! Brian Kress grabs him by the waist, and sits him on the top rope! Da BJ Boyz both walk into the corner... they set him up...... LOOK OUT!!!! DOUBLE SUPERPLEX OFF THE TOP ROPE!!!!
Vic Canon - International Cow is up! Da BJ Boyz get to their feet.... DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! Adam Kress picks up European Cow, as Brian goes to the top rope! Adam sits European Cow on his shoulders... Brian jumps! CLOTHESLINE OFF THE TOP!!! WHAT A MOVE!!!!
Eddie Sensation - The Cows are getting their asses handed to them! Hahaha!!
The Informer - Brian Kress gets to his feet... Euro Cow is up! He kicks him in the gut.. Adam Kress steps up..... DOUBLE DDT ON EUROPEAN COW!!!!
Vic Canon - Damn! Da BJ Boyz are kickin' some ass!!
Eddie Sensation - Adam is up, and he's got International Cow set up.... BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX!!
The Informer - And now they're calling for it! Da BJ Boyz are calling for their BIG move! The Sexual Side-Affect!
Vic Canon - Wait a minute... look over there! Its The Regulators! They're coming out from the backstage area!
Eddie Sensation - But they're just standing there.... it looks like they're just going to watch this match!!
The Informer - Well, whatever's left of it! Both Cows are up! Adam charges at International Cow, and sends him flying over the top rope!! And now Adam is heading to the top rope!
Vic Canon - Brian scoops up European Cow... he runs for a Powerslam! LOOK OUT!! ADAM KRESS JUMPS!!!!!! OOOOOH!!!! THE SEXUAL SIDE-AFFECT!!!!!!!!
Eddie Sensation - Adam goes for the cover! 1........ 2........ 3!!!!!!!! WE HAVE NEW TAG CHAMPS!!!!!
Chris Myers - The winners of this match, and NEW EWA Tag Team Champions.... DA BJ BOYZ!!!!!
The Informer - WOW!! WHAT A ONE SIDED MATCH!!! DA BJ BOYZ BURIED THOSE COWS!!!!!
Vic Canon - We have new Tag Team Champions! The Cows have finally lost a match here in the EWA, AND their titles!
Eddie Sensation - And look at Da BJ Boyz! They're celebrating in the ring! Adam and Brian are on the top rope, each holding their title over their heads!
The Informer - Wait a minute... look! The Regulators are running to the ring! They slide in the ring.... and Da BJ Boyz see them! Brian and Adam quickly jump over the top rope, and onto the outside!!
Vic Canon - And The Regulators are asking for a mic!!! Shh!! Lets listen in!!
Johnny Rage - Adam, Brian, allow Rick and I to be the first to congratulate you on become World Tag Team Champs for the second time...good for you. And, we'll get to you boys in a second, but first Rick and I have a few other things to talk about. Firstly...this past week, Rick and I went to Toronto on Vacation. We walked around, saw the sights, took in a Blue Jays game, all good things. Toronto is a beautiful town, I recomend it to you all. But thats not the point. Sunday night, Rick and I got back to Boston. When we got back, I was glad. I liked Canada, don't get me wrong, but like the Standels say "I Love That Dirty Water...Boston You're My Home", and that statement rings very true for me. I went for a walk along the Charles River, and I realized some things. I realized Rick and I came back for all the wrong reasons. We came back because we didn't like what Thrylla and Chandler were saying about this country, and the people that live in it. We came back to beat some sense into them.
Rick Ramos - GRUNT!!!
Johnny Rage - Hang on a sec Rick, I'm getting to the good part now. As I walked along the Charles, seeing the tall ships still left over from the 4th of July, made me think of one of the principles this country was founded on. The 1st Amendment. I realized Thrylla and Chandler can say whatever they want about this country. If Rick and I fought them for that reason, its as bad as what the Government tried doing during Vietnam. But maybe I'm rambling...I know I had a point when I started...
Rick Ramos - Grunt?
Johnny Rage - OHHHHHHHHHHH YEAH. Here it is...This whole Thrylla/Chandler/Team Ballz deal? Count us out. We ain't gonna be involved. There are plenty of people in the EWA who could fight this battle who ain't us. Hell, I'm not even sure if its a battle that should even fought. Now, here's the point. Wrestling isn't about fighting for the pride of America...wrestling is about fighting for those things that currently reside around the waist of Adam and Brian Kress, the Bj Boyz. Here's a quick little story for ya. Wanna listen?
Rick Ramos - GRUNT!
Johnny Rage - It was a rhetorical question dumbass.
Rick Ramos - Grunt?
Johnny Rage - Rhetorical. Ya know, doesn't have an answer. But thats not the point. Ready for my wicked awesome story? Well, here goes. Once upon a time there were two brothers. And these brothers wanted very much to be Tag Team Wrestlers. They trained long, and they trained hard. They went to wrestling schools, and they got beat up on. People told them that they weren't talented enough. Finally, after a long time floating around Indy Feds, they got their big break. They finally hit the big time. They floated around this big name fed for a short while...and then they god an even bigger break. It turns out that they found themselves entered into a tag title tourny because the previous champs, a pair of wrestling legends, had vacated the titles and gone on to other ventures. Well, this brotherly combination battled hard and long in the tourny, until the big final match was to take place. This place was a nice, tropical climate. A pretty big tourist area actually. These two teams squared off. The Brothers battled another great team long and hard, and finally the brothers came out ahead with the 1...2...3. The Brothers won, and then went on to hold the titles for many, many months.But unfortunatly, the fans never got to see These Brother fight that Legendary Tag Team for the straps, and nobody knew who would have won a one on one battle. Brian, Adam, I bet you know who these men are.
Rick Ramos - Grunt?
Johnny Rage - You don't Ricardo? I'm disappointed. Its quite simple. These men were...THE SMOKING GUNNS. The tropical climate? Palmetto, Florida. The Legendary Team? Shawn Michaels and Diesel. The Great Tag Team the Brothers Beat? 1-2-3 Kid and Bob Holly.
Rick Ramos - Grunt??!?
Johnny Rage - What did you think I was talking about? The time the Kress Brothers beat the Dungeon Masters in Hawaii after we forfited the tag belts? F*ck that.
Rick Ramos - Grunt?
Johnny Rage - What does this have to do with anything? Well, I dunno. I always like the Smoking Gunns...especially Bart. Do you remember the New Midnight Express? Bodacious Bob and Bombastic Bart? Or was it the other way around? I don't even remember....goddamn alleratition. What about the Brawl For All? Man, I still have fond memories of when he put out Doctor Death...man that was a vicious hook. And I'm still convinced that he was screwed over when he fought Butterbeane. I mean, sure, it took what, 11 seconds before he put him down, but did you see the INTENSITY that Bart had in his eyes? Thats a competitor folks. Thats a...
Rick Ramos - GRUNT!!! GRUNT GRUNTGRUNTGRUNTGRUNT!!!
Johnny Rage - Sorry...that was a little tangent. I apologize. Anyway, what were we talking about? Ohhhhhhhhhh yeah. The EWA Tag Team Titles. Look, Kresses, nothing more in the buisness means more to us then the Tag Titles of the federation Rick and I are in. And I would venture to say there aren't two better teams around right now then us two. So, how's about we give the fans what they wanna see. The Bj Boyz vs The Regulators for the tag titles straight up, no bullshit, just a pure out and out shoot for the belts at Rock the Boat. I hope you guys accept...it should be a good time. Now, Jim the Sound Guy, cue up our sh*t.
["Regulators" by Warren G Feat. Nate Dogg begins to play, as The Regulators watch Da BJ Boyz walk behind the curtain, then exit the ring...]
[ The EWA Video Wall goes black. A series of commercials of EWA sponcers are shown. ]
Backstage... [We can see The Cows In Black, walking backstage. International Cow is walking with a limp, and holding his neck. European Cow is walking while hunched over, and is holding his back in pain. Suddenly, Chris Jericho, WaR CrYmE and Divine approach the Cows...]
Chris Jericho - AND NOW, the Fu Man Crew has NO TITLES! THAT WAS THE MOST HORRIBLE MATCH I'VE EVER SEEN!!!!
Divine - You guys got ROCKED!!! Not only that, but Adam Kress is lookin good!!!
European Cow - Shut up Chris... ALL OF YOU, SHUT UP.... that was unexpected... we didnt know they were THAT good....
International Cow - MO--[Chokes]...moooo....
Chris Jericho - It's alright guys... but i have to tell you something!! We've got a little surprise for you!!!
International Cow - MOO????
[Suddenly, Da BJ Boyz walk up behind the Cows. The CIB dont know they're there, but the rest of the Fu Man Crew certainly do! Suddenly, Da BJ Boyz nail the Cows from behind! They begin to beat the hell out of the CIB, and the rest of the Fu Man Crew join them! Suddenly, Jericho RIPS the Cow's Fu Man Crew shirts off, and gives Da BJ Boyz two brand new FMC shirts!]
Chris Jericho - HAHAHA!!! YOU GUYS ARE FIRED!!!! YOU'VE DISGRACED THE NAME OF THE FU MAN CREW!!!!
[The fans suddenly begin to cheer... they never really liked the Cows anyways!]
Interview with Serial Thrylla [Blackout.]
Vic Canon - This can only mean one thing.
[Red and silver strobe lights begin to flicker as "Everything's Cool" by PWEI begins to play. Serial Thrylla and Tom Stone both walk towards the ring. Thrylla is clad in sneakers, silver tear aways, Black on Black Team Ballz jersey, and black on black Oakley shades. Tom looks classy as usual, dressed in his traditional business suit.]
The Informer - This should prove very interesting.
Serial Thrylla - TACOMA, WASHINGTON..... TEAM BALLZ COURTEOUSLY INVITES YOU ALL TO F-U-C-K-O-F-F and DIE!!!!
[The boos reign down upon both men.]
Serial Thrylla - Ahhhh.... It's FANTASTIC to be back home in the states. This is the first time I've been home since I told you all to stick it up your ass a two months ago. GO AHEAD, LET BOO ME YOU MINDLESS ASSHOLES... BOO ME... DO WHAT YOU'VE BEEN PROGRAMMED TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO IT!!! DO IT !!!
[Tacoma, Washington is just eating this up, as Thrylla is getting the loudest heat of the night.]
Serial Thrylla - At least the feeling is mutual. Tonight marks the night when the EWA makes it's TRIUMPHANT return to the United States... So what better way to kick off this return than by issuing the challenge that started this whole war machine rolling anyways....?????
Tom Stone - And what would that be T-Money?
[Thrylla simply points to the EWA Video Wall. and it reads...]
A M E R I C A N P R I D E Serial Thrylla - THE CHALLENGE IS BACK..... I know some poor soul in the back has the balls to do this... I know it. Don't leave me hanging, because I'm not leaving ring until someone answers it.. Plain and god damn simple. I'll even make an exception... It doesn't even have to be tonight.. it can be anytime, any place.
Tom Stone - I'll even up the ante... I'll throw 50 grand on the line for anyone who can put the challenge down....
Serial Thrylla - Actually Tom, I'm so damn good.. I'll throw in another 50 grand if someone can beat my ass. That simple.
Tom Stone - Well then... 100,000 dollars to anyone who can defeat the American Pride challenge.... WHO HAS THE BALLS TO MESS WITH TOM STONE.
Serial Thrylla - I know someone in the back has to have Titanium Testicles..... Where are the brave souls at?????
[Suddenly, Nomad comes flying out of the crowd and slides into the ring! He has his International Title in hand, and neither Tom Stone OR Serial Thrylla knows he's in the ring...]
The Informer - NOMAD IS IN THE RING, JUST WAITING!!! LOOK OUT!!! OOOOH!!!! NOMAD NAILS THRYLLA IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH HIS INTERNATIONAL TITLE BELT!!!!!!
Vic Canon - TOM STONE JUST SAW NOMAD, AND HE RAN OUT OF THE RING!!!!
Eddie Sensation - LOOK AT NOMAD!!! HE STOMPING AT SERIAL THRYLLA!!!
The Informer - AND NOW NOMAD IS LEAVING THE RING, WALKING UP THE RAMP BACKWARDS AND LAUGHING AT SERIAL THRYLLA!!!!
Vic Canon - THRYLLA IS SLOWLY GETTING UP, AND HE'S NOT TOO HAPPY!!! HE'S HOLDING THE BACK OF HIS HEAD WITH BOTH HANDS, WHILE NOMAD IS LAUGHING!!!!!
Eddie Sensation - NOMAD HAS PISSED OF SERIAL THRYLLA!!!!!!! THATS NOT GOOD!!!
The Informer - FANS, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!!!!!
[ The EWA Video Wall goes black. A series of commercials of EWA sponcers are shown. ]
Pre-Match Interview with Ethan Tyler [Cameras find Rachel Stevens in Ethan Tyler's locker room. Tyler is sitting on a chair with a towel over his head]
Rachel Stevens - With me now is Ethan Tyler, who at Global Threat 2000 managed to find a permanent spot in the EWA, Ethan after all you went through, what does it feel like to be wrestling with security?
Ethan Tyler - Security? It feels like I'm back at ground zero. Another week another mystery man. I'm getting real sick of this bullshit real fast.
Rachel Stevens - Why do you think Tom has once again put you in a match like this?
Ethan Tyler - What kind of dumbass question is that? Isn't it obvious the Canadian Bad Ass hates my very existence? Can't you see he wants to ruin my career so that I have nothing left? Except the yutz is too stupid to realize I'll beat anyone he throws at me.
Rachel Stevens - Do you have any guesses as to who the opponent may be?
Ethan Tyler - Tom Stone.
Rachel Stevens - I seriously doubt he would step into the ring with you, what makes you so sure?
Ethan Tyler - Because everyone I see across the ring from me becomes Tom Stone.
Rachel Stevens - Well, any final words?
Ethan Tyler - Yeah, you can kill the hero, but you can't kill the goal... The Underground has hit the mainstream, and it's taking over.
Rachel Stevens - Well, back to you guys at ringside.
One Fall Match
Ethan Tyler vs. Mystery OpponentChris Myers - This next match is scheduled for one fall!
["Fire up the Shoesaw" by Lionrock blasts through the speakers...]
Chris Myers - Introducing first... standing 6'3" and weighing in at 246 pounds, from Portland, Oregon, "The Underground Hero" Ethan Tyler!
["The Underground Hero" Ethan Tyler steps out from behind the curtain and heads towards the ring.]
The Informer - And here comes Ethan Tyler... he has NO IDEA who is opponent will be tonight!
Vic Canon - Neither do I! Neither do you! NOBODY knows!
Eddie Sensation - Except ONE man!
[Suddenly, The EWA Theme blasts through the speakers and Tom Stoen makes his way out with a mic in hand...]
Eddie Sensation - And THERE HE IS!!!
Tom Stone - CUT THE MUSIC!!! Tyler, I'm just going to get to the point.... basically, I know what you like, I know what you dont like.... So, you're obviously getting something you DONT like!
The Informer - Well thats only obvious, coming from Tom Stone....
Tom Stone - I hear you're not a fan of Extreme wrestling!! I hear that you DESPISE it, or something like that... right? Well then, tonight you will fight a man who is VERY familiar with extreme wrestling.... as a matter of fact....
Vic Canon - Who could this be? Familiar with extreme... Tiki Tortez? The Wildman? Ghost From Hell?
Tom Stone - ....as a matter of fact.... he is THE KING of the Glass Match, and he's the INTERNATIONAL CHAMPION.... YOUR OPPONENT FOR TONIGHT, IN AN EXTREME RULES NON-TITLE MATCH.... IS NOMAD!!!!!
Eddie Sensation - YES!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Informer - OH NO!!!! EXTREME RULES?? BUT NON-TITLE?? THIS IS UNFAIR!!!
Tom Stone - I hope you two rip each other's throats out... because I couldn't care less about either of you!!!
Vic Canon - Stone is SICK! I hope Ethan Tyler gets his hands on him soon!
["Time Bomb" by Godsmack blasts through the speakers...]
Chris Myers - And his opponent... standing 6'2" and weighing in at 256 pounds, from New York, New York, the EWA International Champion, Nomad!
[The EWA International Champion, Nomad steps out from behind the curtain and heads towards the ring.]
The Informer - And here comes Nomad! Stone is long gone, and Nomad is undressing as he comes to the ring! He just threw his International Title on the entrance ramp, and he's running towards the ring!
Vic Canon - LOOK OUT!!! ETHAN TYLER GOES FLYING OVER THE TOP ROPE, AND NAILS NOMAD WITH A FLYING CROSSBODY!!!!
Eddie Sensation - Damn! Looks like Nomad bumped his head on that one!
The Informer - Wait a second... It looks like Ethan Tyler is coming over towards us!
Vic Canon - Yup! He's getting a steel chair! But look over there at Nomad! He's up, and he's crouching under the ring apron... just waiting for Tyler to come walk over!
Eddie Sensation - HA! Tyler has the chair, but he doesnt know that Nomad moved anywhere!
The Informer - He's going to be in for a big surprise! Ethan Tyler makes his way around the ring with that chair... NOMAD JUMPS OUT! LOOK OUT!
Vic Canon - SPEAR BY NOMAD! And Ethan Tyler's head hit the guard rail! He's rolling around with his arms around his head, screaming in pain! And now Nomad has that steel chair! This isn't good!
Eddie Sensation - Wait... did you hear that?! Uh oh! Some fan just said something to Nomad... and Nomad looks pissed!
The Informer - Nomad is bringing Tyler to his feet... Ethan Tyler is standing right infront of that fan who was getting on Nomad's case!
Vic Canon - Nomad backs up... HE SWINGS! WHAM!!!!!! OH NO!!! OH MY GOD!!!! TYLER DUCKED, AND NOMAD HIT THAT FAN SQUARE IN THE FACE!!!! THAT FAN IS UNCONCIOUS, BUT NOMAD IS JUST STANDING THERE LAUGHING!!!!
Eddie Sensation - HAHAHAHA!!!!!
The Informer - Nomad turns around, Tyler is waiting for him! DROP KICK BY ETHAN TYLER! AND TYLER NAILED THE CHAIR, WHICH NAILED NOMAD IN THE FACE!!! NOMAD GOES DOWN!!!
Vic Canon - Wow! What a series of events! Now Ethan is lifting Nomad to his feet, and rolling him into the ring! Tyler gets up on the apron... and climbs to the top rope!
Eddie Sensation - Nomad is slowly getting to his feet!! This cant be good for the International Champ!
The Informer - Tyler jumps! MISSLE DROPKICK! Nomad goes flying across the ring!
Vic Canon - And Tyler runs over, and quickly makes the cover! The ref counts..... 1.... 2.... No! Nomad gets out just in time!
Eddie Sensation - Ethan Tyler looks PUMPED! He's on his feet, and is lifting Nomad up with him!
The Informer - Tyler scoops up Nomad..... Samoan Drop! He gets to his feet, and bounces off the ropes..... LEG DROP! Tyler goes for the pin.... 1..... 2....
Vic Canon - NO! Another kickout by Nomad!
Eddie Sensation - Damn! After that chair to the head, I thought he'd be a lot easier to beat!
The Informer - Ethan Tyler gets to his feet, and quickly climbs to the top rope! He balances himself out on the top rope, and calls to the crowd! The fans go nuts! Tyler jumps!
Vic Canon - BIG SPLASH!!!! NO!!!! NOMAD MOVED!!! HE MOVED!!! JUST IN TIME!!!! And now Nomad is getting to his feet! Tyler is holding his stomach and chest in pain!!
Eddie Sensation - Nomad should have put his knees up! He would have squashed Tyler's stomach, and he would have tapped right there!
The Informer - Well I dont think that matters right now Eddie.. because Nomad is calling for The Wandering! He picks up Tyler, and kicks him in the gut! No! Tyler caught his leg! Nomad is trying to balance himself on one leg!!
Vic Canon - Tyler throws Nomad's leg down, thus spinning him around! Tyler charges at Nomad with a clothesline! Nomad ducks, turns around..... THE WANDERING!!!!!! HE NAILED IT!!!!!! THIS MATCH IS MOMENTS FROM BEING OVER!!!
Eddie Sensation - Damn right! Nomad is calling for The Journey's End! He's got Ethan Tyler up on his feet, and now he's sitting him on the top rope! Nomad begins to climb up....
The Informer - WAIT A MINUTE.... LOOK OUT, FROM THE CROWD IT'S SERIAL THRYLLA!!! AND HE'S GOT A HOCKEY STICK!!! WHAM!!!!
Vic Canon - OH NO!!!! THRYLLA JUST NAILED NOMAD IN THE BACK WITH THAT HOCKEY STICK!!!
Eddie Sensation - AND IT'S LEGAL!!! HAHAHA!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!
The Informer - Thrylla pulls Nomad off the top rope, and backs him into the corner! He whips him across the ring, and Nomad goes crashing into the opposite corner! Serial Thrylla follows him in...... BIG SPLASH!!!!! AND NOW HE'S CALLING FOR D-F-A!!!! DEATH FROM ABOVE!!!!
Vic Canon - Mr. DFA sets up Nomad on the top rope.... and climbs up! He's got him locked! LOOK OUT!!!!!! OOOOH!!!!!! DFA!! DFA!! DFA!!
Eddie Sensation - SERIAL THRYLLA NAILED THE DEATH FROM ABOVE!!!!!!
The Informer - AND NOW HE'S GETTING THE HELL OUT OF THE RING!!!!! AND LOOK, ETHAN TYLER JUST GOT OFF THE TOP ROPE, AND IS CRAWLING TOWARDS NOMAD TO MAKE THE PIN!!!!
Vic Canon - HE'S ALMOST THERE.... ONLY A FEW INCHES AWAY..... AND HE'S GOT THE COVER!!! THE REF COUNTS..... 1....... 2........ 3!!!!!!!!!
Chris Myers - And the winner of this match.... ETHAN TYLER!!!!
Eddie Sensation - OH MY GOD!!!! WHAT AN UPSET!!! ETHAN TYLER BEAT NOMAD!!!
The Informer - AND LOOK AT SERIAL THRYLLA!!! HE'S GOT A HUGE SMILE ON HIS FACE, HE'S PROUD OF WHAT HE JUST DID!!!
Vic Canon - ETHAN TYLER IS CELEBRATING!!! HE JUST BEAT THE INTERNATIONAL CHAMP, IN A NON-TITLE EXTREME RULES MATCH!!!!
Eddie Sensation - DAMN, THIS KID IS HOT!!!
The Informer - FANS, WE'RE OUT OF TIME!!!!! FOR VIC CANON AND EDDIE SENSATION, IM THE INFORMER! THANKS FOR JOINING US HERE ON TUESDAY NIGHT HEAT, AND DONT YOU DARE MISS NEXT WEEKS SHOW! GOODNIGHT FANS!
