Three Simple Words

I was stunned. I gaped at him, slack-jawed, searching with my eyes for a reply that should have logically followed. Nothing came to mind, except all the gushy romance scenes from movies I`d seen as a young adult.

"Did you hear me?" He drew me closer to him, looking extremely vulnerable and suddenly shy.

Yes, I replied. I heard you. I didn`t know what else to say, so I hugged him tightly to avoid his inquisitive gaze. What should I say? I`m a woman after all, saying those three little words should have come easily and indiscriminately to me. My mind raced for a graceful change of subject.

"Well? Do you love me too?"

He was setting himself up for a dive into a waterless pool. I had no answer to verbalize. Of course, I loved him. It was what I felt from the moment he smiled at me from across the room that night so long ago. I thought this should have been obvious to him through my actions over the course of our relationship. I`d ask, "How high?" when he`d ask me to jump, I`d spent every waking and unconscious hour with him, I laughed hysterically and with him, I would have died for him. Yet I couldn`t tell him what he wanted to hear. Even I had never heard that from myself, not even to my parents or sister ...

He pleaded with his tearing eyes for that desired response. My dispassionate reaction did nothing to stop the fateful droplet from sliding down his cheek. I murmured, you know I do. He wanted to hear the actual words from my lips.

I stood unmoving for a long time in the corner of my room after he`d left, salty water coating the tiled floor from the spout of his perfect eyes. I felt nothing; my heartbeat, the wind pushing through the frail curtains, not even the heat of the morning sun on my exposed back. Was I even still alive? I couldn`t say for sure.

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The phone rang, breaking me free of my trance. I took a deep breath and cleared my throat before answering. "Hell-o?" I managed to crack out.

Long pause on the other end. "Hello?" I repeated.

A half-cough. "Ev?"

My heart stopped, eyes darted across the darkened room. Had I really been sitting here for that long? Hadn`t he just left my side a second ago? "Ev," he said again, this time with more authority. "You don`t have to talk. Just listen. I`ve been thinking, maybe it would be a good idea if I came over in a few hours to get my things. Ev?"

I inhaled and exhaled deeply, attempting to sould calm and unfeeling. "I`m here," I managed to squeak out. A nearly soundless sniffle escaped me.

"Ev, honey. You okay?" He sounded flat, unconcerned. Another long pause. "So you gonna be around later, say around 10 ... Ev? Okay, I`ll take that as a yes. See you later." Dial tone.

I returned the receiver to its cradle and wiped away the stream of hot tears with the back of my hand.

I dragged mysed over to the closet and pulled out his blue duffel bag. Slowly I lifted out each of his shirts and slacks, forgetting entirely to remove my wooden hangers -- or perhaps I no longer cared. His silk ties I folded neatly into quarters and tucked them into the sides of the bag.

The bag seemed to weigh tons as I placed it near the door. I lined his meticulously polished shoes alongside the bag and returned to my perch on the window ledge.

At ten-thirty, I heard his key in the door. A half-smile flickered across my face - a habit - he had always had trouble with that top lock. Light from the hallway spilled into my living room. I shielded my eyes, barely making out his familiar form.

"Ev? He whispered. He advanced toward me, nearly tripping over one of his shoes. He looked down at his perfectly packed duffel bag, confused for a second. "I still love you Ev. I want you to know that." He placed a feather-touch kiss on my forehead and looked at me with such a little boy vulnerability that I began to cry again. "If you love me too, just say it. It`s not hard!" he pleaded.

My voicebox was constricted, I couldn`t say anything. "Okay," he sighed, his own ragged breath betraying his composure. With that, he picked up his bag and shoes and stormed out, tears raging against his smooth cheek, and slammed the door behind him.