Holy Polski Wyrobi, Valentines Day is almost upon us! How have I been? Thanks for asking. If you didn't buy your babe or boyfriend a bobble for their bibble, then mayhaps you should be bombing through your bible to think of a religious excuse as to why you aren't flocking with the rest of the sheep to the jewelry store or florist on this Most Noticeable Gimme Day of all the festive holidays. STatistically speaking, you are more likely to be forgiven for not showing up with a timely Christmas present than you are likely to be forgiven for not showing up on Valentine's Day with expensive payola.
The one single rose only works ONCE, and since you pulled that card on your first Valentines Day when you were trying to get into her pants, you can't really claim that your love is unique or special without upping the ante a little (or a LOT) every single year that she puts up with your ass.
Think of it as an ever-increasing education tax on your relationship. The longer it goes on the more you learn about relationships in general as it grows and grows each year until you can no longer afford the payment plans. It is also a scientifical and observable FACT that sex (Booty) on Valentines Day is directly proportionate to any material "gifts" of affection (booty) given (at a value less than or equal to the particular gift(s) given).
Booty is always less than or equal to booty, where Booty is never inversely proportionate, despite the occurrence of random variables added to or subtracted from the original equation.
All of this is trivial, as you already know how much loving you are going to get if you don't show up with a little something to show that love can and DOES have a hefty yearly pricetag. Good ol' Love.
For those of you who don't care to do the math, you'll be slogging it alone again this year as you cry over your liquor and eat the chocolates that came with the over-priced flowers you bought yourself. The industry has people eating it coming AND going. I wisht I had a piece of the "You're an asshole for not buying into this" merchandising campaign. C'mon, if you really gave a shit about your loved one then you'd drop all this nonsense that love is MORE special on this ONE particular day than any of the other days of the year. I'm not even really sure why it's gotta be February the 14th. That day has always been cold and rainy for the past seventeen years. Who the fuck wants to get "romancey" on such a shitty day? You can't even enjoy a good game of minigolf. In the end, it's your choice, do what you wanna. The world isn't watching. |
