Dirty Funny lists of things my friends and I have come up with over the school year, and that I've collected in my planners and emails. They're finally put to good use here, but remember, they're mine! Use with caution.

Weird things not to say as a pick up line

1. Do want to babysit my bunny?


2. I'm not following you, you're following me ahead of me!


3. (when playing mini-golf) It popped out of the hole.


4. (when playing mini-golf) It won't go in the hole.


5. (when eating Chinese food) I'm rubbing my sticks together...that's right, I've got two.


6. (when playing pool) You knocked my balls out of the hole.


7. (when ordering food) I want you to give it to me on my bed right here, right now, and faster.

Phew. It's not easy making an ordered list. Are you ready for more? *grins evilly*

Pick up lines - to be said with a British accent

1. (at the zoo) Would you like to spank my monkey?


2. (at the zoo) Would you like to touch my snake?


3. Oh look, there's a cheek on my ass. Would you please grab it?

(when grabbing someone's ass or nether regions) Oh no, this is how people in Europe shake hands! LOL

4. I know you dream about having sex with me...so let's make your imagination a reality!

Hey, they amuse me!

Excuses to make if you get caught having sex in public (you naughty person)

1. (in a bookstore) Could you check the Kama Sutra and tell us if we're doing this right? I'd like to try it before I buy it.


2. (at the zoo) Yell, "The penguins are getting loose!" and run away.


3. You think what we're doing is bad, look at those rhinos over there!


4. (in a confessional) I was telling God what I did, but he needed a visual.


5. (at the beach or pool) I needed mouth to mouth when I was skinnydipping.

Okay, now for something that doesn't have to do with SEX!

Fun things to do in an elevator (whee!) » I think this is from Saturday Night Live and/or some other random site

1. Shake hands firmly with people as they enter and ask them to call you Admiral.


2. Listen to wall of elevator with stethoscope.


3. Stand in back corner, pretending you're in a personal box.

Look warily at a person coming in and say, "You're one of them, aren't you?!"

4. Ask each newcomer, "Which floor is the nudist colony?" and pretend to start stripping.

Get mad at the elevator whenever it stops and kick the walls, saying, "Why do you keep stopping?!?!"

5. When new people come in, be doing a handstand, and try breakdancing once they are inside.

Okay, okay, and the final one is...

6. HAVE SEX! This list cannot be sex-free.

Sipping Vodka » an chain email my friends and I thought was pretty funny

A new priest at his first Mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After Mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the Mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.


3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.


4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.


5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.


6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.


7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.


8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.


9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.


10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."


11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."


12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."


13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.


14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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