Lobelia:
"Mr Wainthropp, what have you got there? Are those drugs??"
"Yes, m'boy, gives a whole new meaning to hot pot, doonit?"

Demelza:
"Mr Wainthropp, is it really necessary for us to share a bath?"
"Think on, Geoffrey, I'm not putting th'immersion on twice. Now turn round so I can scrub your back."

Lobelia:
"You said we were going birdwatching, Mr W.!"
"And so we are, Geoffikins; let me watch your dickiebird, come on!"

Demelza:
"I do like to ramble on t'moors, Geoffrey."
"I'm not sure this is rambling, Mr W., and there's a thistle sticking in my arse."
"Don't fret, I'll kiss it better."

Lobelia:
"Now which of you two clowns left these stains on m'teacosy?"
Mr Wainthropp and Geoffrey exchanged guilty glances.

Demelza:
"Ee, I don't know about that, our Geoff, me lumbago's been playing me up."
"Oh, go on, Mr W., just one game of naked Twister."
Oh, alright. Left foot yellow..."

Lobelia:
"What's that you've got there, Geoff?"
"Oh, it's just some cream for me spots, Mr W."
"I can think of a better use for that cream. Come and sit by me, lad."

Demelza:
"It's Hetty's bingo night, Geoffrey, and you know what that means."
"I'll fetch the squirty cream, Mr Wainthropp!"
"Just don't get any on the soft furnishings."

Lobelia:
"Detective health check, Geoffrey. We need to give in a DNA sample."
"OK, Mr Wainthropp, here's me arm."
"Oh no, Geoffie, blood won't do at all. We need *real* DNA..."

Demelza:
"What's that you're reading, Geoffrey?"
"Oh, just something I picked up at t'reference library."
"Give us a look. Blimey! Are you sure that's the right way up?"

Lobelia:
"Oh, just one more time, please, Mr Wainthropp!"
"I don't know if I'm up to it, lad. I'm no longer t'youngest, y'know."
"Well, you could just... *you* know, Mr Wainthropp!"

Demelza:
"Geoffrey, you've dropped your notebook. Shouldn't you pick it up?"
"Is this just a ploy to get me to bend over, Mr Wainthropp?"
"Rumbled again... but do it, anyway."

Lobelia:
"You're looking a bit peaked, Geoffie; sure you wouldn't like me to get you a nice hot mug of lemsip?"
"No, Mr Wainthropp, but I can think of summat else nice and hot..."

Lobelia:
On the scooter:
"Hold on tight, Mr Wainthropp, and careful with that spanner you're holding."
"That's no spanner, my dear boy."
"Oh! Shall we pull up behind that secluded barn for a sec?"

Demelza:
"I hate to say it, Mr Wainthropp, but I've been looking it up at t'reference library. Turns out this is illegal in many countries!"
"Shall I stop?"
"Only if we hear sirens."

Lobelia:
"I hear sirens, Mr Wainthropp!"
"Ooh, we'd better stop, then."
"N... no, not those kinds of sirens, ohh..."
"Yes, ah, I hear something too -- bells, I think, bells!"

Lobelia:
"It's lovely down here at t'working men's club, eh, Geoffrey?"
"Yes, Robert, especially t'disco. You do know how to move!"
"You'll make me blush."

Lobelia:
"What's this dance you're teaching me, Bob? Are you sure it is ballroom dancing?"
"Never mind about that, Geoffrey; put your hand back on me bum and boogie."

Lobelia:
"Quick, Bob, follow that car!"
"Why, is that a suspect?"
"No, I just wanted to sway against you on t'scooter, Bob."
"Please call me 'parkin'!"
A/N: This one has actually been beta'ed!!!

Demelza:
"I shall call you my little toasted crumpet from now on, Robert."
"How so?"
"Because you're warm, soft and squishy, and I'd love to smother you in butter..."

Lobelia:
"Tidy-up time, Geoff, Hetty's coming round to visit and she's not too happy, what with the divorce and all."
"So we'd better hide the leather stuff then, crumpet!"

Demelza:
"I'm nipping to Asda, Geoffrey; is there owt we need?"
"Well, we're all out of mayonnaise after last night."

Lobelia:
Flashback:
"Oh, Mr Wainthropp, I've been feeling all these urges!"
"Don't worry yourself over those, Geoffrey; come here and I'll deal with them for you."

Lobelia:
Another flashback:
"Mr Wainthropp, I'm really upset about this girl. I just couldn't... *you know*. This never happens when I'm with you!"
"I used t'have t'same problem with Hetty, m'lad..."

Demelza:
"Mr Wainthropp, how do you take a bra off? I've tried and tried but those hooks just defeat me."
"Don't ask me, lad, I've not been near Hetty's undergarments since 1973."

Demelza:
"Hetty spends a long time at her friend's. I wonder what she does there?"
"I don't really care, Geoffrey, just crack open the nutella!"

Lobelia:
"Derek's home from Australia for Christmas, Geoff, and he'll be wanting his old room back."
"But where'll I sleep, Mr Wainthropp?"
"Oh lad, I'm sure he won't mind sharing."

Demelza:
"Derek, must you snuggle quite so close?"
"Don't be coy, Geoffrey, dad's told me all about your bedtime shenanigans."
"Oh... Is *that* something you learned in Oz?"

Demelza:
"How are you getting on with our Derek, Geoff?"
"Fine, Mr W! In fact, we're rather close."
"I can't say as I'm too pleased about that. I may have to have words."

Demelza:
"Can we have a bit of hush, please? Some people are trying to sleep... Whatever are you boys doing?"
"Sorry, mum, we'll try to keep it up-- I mean, down..."

Lobelia:
"I've talked it over with Hetty, Geoffrey, and we've agreed that it's best if she takes over the spare room and both you boys share t'big double bed with me."

Lobelia:
"Well, this is cosy, Mr W and Derek, lying in t'middle between you like this! Ooh, and what's that pressing against me back? And ooh, also against me front..."

Lobelia:
"Whose hand is that down there?"
"Mine, Derek, so stay clear!"
"Oops, sorry, dad."
"Give me my pillow back!"
"This is no good for me lumbago..."

Demelza:
"What... Oh... There's an elbow in the small of me back!"
"Sorry, Derek, me arm's caught in Mr Wainthropp's pyjama cord!"
"Well, hurry up and get uncaught, kid..."

NEW!! Uploaded 6 November 2002

Lobelia:

"Don't be shy, boys; you know that skinny dipping in the Darwen has a long tradition. Why, when I was a lad..."

"But Mr Wainthropp, it's December!"

"I'll warm you up after..."

"It's nice that Derek hired this car!"

"But not so nice to be stuck in this traffic jam."

"I don't know, I can think of ways to pass the time..."

TITLE: Joys of the M26

"Oi, not fair, what are you two up to back there while I'm stuck here at the wheel?"

"The traffic's so slow, Derek, just clamber on back."

"Mr W, there's that new war movie on at the cinema."

"Oh, no, Geoffie, allus reminds me of Dunkirk, and those loud bangs hurt me ears. Take Derek to see it."

"Why are you boys wearing makeup?"

"It's camouflage; we're playing at soldiers."

"Geoffrey! Get your hands off our Derek's bayonet..."

"Ey up, our Geoff, in that uniform you put me in mind of a GI I was rather pally with in t'war. We used to get up to some nighttime manoeuvres, I can tell you."

"There was private Christopher Lee, for example, a tall strapping youngster-- wonder what became of him... Anyway, he was particularly good at reviving chilly members..."

"Tell us more about t'war, dad."

"Well, it used to get right chilly of an evening, but we had ways of keeping warm."

"You mean wearing a vest, Mr W?"

"Not exactly..."

"Derek, which war are we enacting here exactly?"

"Well, which war involved this much margarine?"

"I tell you what, our Geoff, they should bring back National Service. That'd make a man out of you."

"S'alright, Mr W, you and Derek are doing a pretty good job."

Upon discovering, in some episode or other, that Mr Wainthropp maintains an allotment (Never let it be said that we don't keep a close eye on the canon!)

"Oh, Geoffrey, you're all covered in compost, you dirty boy..."

"Pass that dibble, lad. No, no, that's t'fork for pricking out."

"I didn't know we needed a fork for that, Mr W!"

There follows a sideline: Gary Lineker/Alan Hansen football-commentator slash!

Demelza:

"I cannae wait tae see the lads in action again, Gary!"

"You want action, Alan? All you had to do was ask..."

"After that strenuous bout of telecommentating, Alan, let's have a quiet night in."

"Yes, isn't Hetty Wainthropp; on?"

"Oh, I do like that Geoffrey."

"I'm all for Mr Wainthropp, myself."

"How about a spot of role play, Alan?"

"'Ooh, Mr Wainthropp, do you like it when I put my hand there?'"

"'Oh, yes...'"

"Er, Gary, on second thoughts, mebbe this isn't a good..."

"'Oh yes, Geoffrey, don't stop, lad...'"

"That was phenomenal, Mr Wai-- I mean, Gary."

"And you look really dashing in that black shirt, too, Geoff-- er, Al. Especially as that is <i>all</i> you've got on."

"Mr W, after last night's footy, I've had a brilliant idea."

"What's that, then, Geoff lad?"

"Well, how good are you at doing a Scottish accent?"

Demelza:
"Come on, Derek, smile for the camera!"
"I've told you, Dominic lad, I'm camera shy!"
"That's not what you said that night with the polaroid..."

Back to other Wainthropp stories

Last updated: 6 November 2002.

All original elements of these txts and fragments are © Demelza and Lobelia.