"Children raised by wolves know that!" --- Bill Hicks
An explanation: These are actual questions from one
person to a telephone reference department
in a typical midwestern library located
in the not-so-deep south.
"I need a telephone number for the internet." "There is no number for the internet. You need an Internet Service
Provider and they give you a number to call." "Ok, so if that
number don't work. Then what number do you call?"
"Can you give me the number to the Smithsonian's National
Museum of American History?"
"OK, the number to the National Museum of American History is 202-357-2700."
"That's the Smithsonian one, right?"
"Right."
"Do they have an '800' number?"
Some stupid kids books called Uncle Wiggily that began as Uncle Piggily Wiggily then morphed into Piggily Wiggily and then she remembered it was actually Uncle Wiggily.
Did anyone beside Cartier make Cartier Watches? Did Cartier make their replica watches?
What things can you buy in quantities of 11? My grandchild is doing a school project and her instructor suggested she go to a store. We say: that might be a good idea.
"When did they first start putting the "do not remove under penalty of law" tags on furniture?" "We think around the 1960's as required by the FTC." "You mean they didn't have them things on furniture back in the 1700's?"
What color is rosewood? Is it an expensive wood?
The upholstery pattern known as 'foliage' mistaken for a company.
When did they start putting '800' on sterling silver?
When did William Rogers silver start coming out? It either has feathers or a crown on it...
The famous chocolate dipped strawberry analogy for silver plating.
"Are Charles and Louis Tiffany in the same family? How are they related and who's older?" Upon being informed that they were father and son she asked for verification that they were indeed related.
The silverware with the shield and two lines on it.
Gorham Inc: a maker of flatware and a subsidiary of Lenox inc. A maker of silver. To be continued, I am sure.
Silver cup with the initials "NNLC."
Is silver cups generally sterling or plated?
Marvella (first spelled Marville or Marvelle) a costume jewelry maker owned by Trifari which is owned by Hallmark. Is they a good company? Have dey always been with Hallmark. Was dey ever on their own? Do dey dake derling dilver?
What do 'waivers' mean in reference to a basketball player?
Did they make Mickey Mouse watches in Japan before the war?
What the difference between a biography and an autobiography?
A Virgin Mary medal that has a cross with the letter 'M' underneath it, what do the 'M' stand for?
Us: According to legend if you wear the medal and show devotion you will recieve graces.
EAL: Why would you want to do that?
Us: I believe it's a Catholic thing.
Banthrico, a company that made models of buildings for the owners of those buildings to give away during promotions.
Origin of the 'Made in the USA' label. Said information was given to her by us before but she forgot it! That info is somewhere on the FTC website.
Phone number for the Chicago Tribune. Follow up question: Is that paper located in New York. This allowed me to say these words: 'The Chicago Tribune is not located in New York. The Chicago Tribune is in Chicago.' She was incredulous when she learned there is no paper known as the New York Tribune.
The musical Annie. When was it? What was it? Was it popular? Where did it come from? Would a ticket from one be valuable?
A toy company and/or antique store called Danny Boy.
A big milestone was reached in dealing with this idiot. Today marked the 1000th time we informed her that there is no directory in existence that lists expired businesses.
The great mystery of Seth Thomas clocks and Tally Industries.
Who do primary in reference to primary caregiver mean?
When did Annette Fetucinni become a Mouseketeer?
When did Disney make Three Little Mice cartoon? Turns out she meant Three Blind Mice. When offered the number to the studio's library, she declined.
What do facsimile mean? Fax is often a shortened form a facsimile...
Oh, do they have color faxes? It turns she has a facsimile of Confederate money and wanted to know how it was in color and two sided since all the faxes she had seen were black and white and one sided.
Doing her granddaughter's word scramble homework.
Why do they make brass tickets?
Atlanta Journal-Constitution: Is they a newspaper? Is they still in business? Do they got an 800 number? How long have dey been in business? Are my questions getting dumber or is you just jaded?
Just in case the reader cares, the newspaper in question was founded in 1868.
A rotary telephone made by ITT Personal Communications.
Q: Where can I find a picture of a burlap bear? A: Up your ass.
An unkown artist working in a form of pottery no one has ever heard of.
Can you tell me about the Sheffield watch company?
What is a windsor chair made out of and what kind of screws did they use?
How long has Grolier Enterprises been in business?
After being given a number for Grolier Enterprises she axed "Do dey have another number?" Me say: "By another number do you mean an '800' number?" She say yes.
I 'splain to her what a book club edition of a book is. A classic example of picking the wrong thing to collect.
When did Dr. Seuss print his first book? Was by Village Publishers?
An artist named Joseph Castari that no one has ever heard of or cares about.
What were the era of the Three Musketeers?
If I had a stein with initials on it, how would I go about finding out who the manufacturer was?
When did Bobo the Clown start?
Which is older Made in China or Made in Peoples Republic of China?
Is China a company?
How can I buy something from China? (go to Wal-Mart, dipshit.)
Can you put this in the internet and see what comes up: Rolex Anti-magnetic.
Can you tell me about Glasser violins?
Watch company called Swania
After a two week layoff: 'is there a pottery company called McCoy?'
When did Siam become Thailand?
What is the smiling Buddha mean? What do different kinds of Buddhas mean? I heared that there is different kinds an' dey all mean somethin. If you rub dey belly does it mean somethin?
What are Windsor chairs made of? Ash and oak. What is ash?
When was E.B. Holmes around? I think he was an artist or a photo-graffer.
What is 606 Congress? A playing card company.
What is U.S. Playing Card Company? How long been in bidness?
What is on their Aces?
What design is on it?
Do you have any books on antique furniture and could you read them to me?
Tell me about Kappa Psi Nu.
Are they playing the British Open today?
When did they start using the phrase 'made in West Germany?'
Is there such a thing as North and South Germany?
When was Heidi first published?
What century is the year 1850?
Nancy Drew paperback printed in 1997. This was a classic exchange. Instead of saying she had the book and wanted to know its value she tried another angle by asking me how much it would cost her to purchase it. Eventually we get to the original Nancy Drew books that were published in the 1930's. She jumped on that and through wishful thinking tried to insinuate her 1997 book was published in the 1930's. I reminded her that I already told her that her book was published in 1997.
Could you tell me when our country's birthday is?
Mon cher, translation of, please.
Could you explain Nextel to me?
When was the writer Kate Douglas Wiggins born? Was she famous? Did she write a book about birds? Given the title a book with the word 'birds' in it she asks 'did that one make her popular too?'
When was Marianne Coley author of McCall's magazine?
A-t-r-i-u-m. What does that spell? Tell me about the Atrium company. (Something to do with an eyeglass case)
I've never been to the eye doctor because I have 20/20 vistion.
Address to McCall's and when the first was published.
When was McCall's company founded? Some tie in with a pattern book and McCalls' magazine.
What color are alligators?
Did Charles Schulz write any books other than comics?
Is he alive?
Upon being informed that he has been dead for almost two years she then axed if he had any new books coming out.
Famous baseball player named Rodriguez. After being informed that there were about 100 baseball players called Rodriguez she replied "yeah, but there's one that's really famous." This call ended when she rudely hung up on the employee while saying to someone in the background, "That guy doesn't know what he's talking about."
Tell me what these words mean: sarono and sihuno. Japanese or Chinese? Neither.
When did North Carolina stop executing retarded people?
Is Ed 'Too Tall' Jones and Joe Theisman in the hall of fame. Currently neither player is is in the hall of fame.
What do 'gyromatic' mean?
What is GWY in North Carolina? Was North Carolina a state? Does it have any cities starting with the letter 'g?'
GWY on a piece of pottery is probably the potter's initials!
Are the Cherokees in North Carolina and where is they?
What's the number for duh Smifsonian?
Is Wallace Silversmiths still in bidness? What's they number?
When did Duncan Fife make furniture? Up until he died...
When did Weimer start building furniture?
What do a bird have to do with a indian? No clarification was available.
Did Andy Warhol make jewelry?
Can you tell me whose famous for aluminum jewelry?
An inquiry about some artist whose name David can't remember. She wanted to know if he was famous.
What team does Nolan Ryan play for? Was he good? Is he in the hall of fame?
When was the town named Tundra founded?
Do you have a number for Bassett Furniture?
Upon being told that a certain artist was a cubist she replied, "Oh, he's a Cuban?"
The history of the golf club known as the 'putter.'
A telephone number for Fisher-Price.
Can you give me the number to Dolls by Jerry?
How long do bulls live?
What does ELP stand for? (electroplating)
When was Pilgrim Silver made?
You know that are-uh (the letter 'r' for the uninitiated) that is inside a circle on some things? How long they been using dat?
What is the symbol on Newcomb pottery? (relayed to us via grandson).
Pewter by Kirk Stieff
Borg scales (this call included her patented 'quick thank you hang up' after I couldn't give her what she wanted. It's interesting to me that the 'quick thank you hang up' feels ruder than a simple hang up.
I have some currency...French...it say on it 800,000c. How many dollars do that equal?
Back for a return engagement: When did 'made in the USA' first get used?
Four random words that are supposed to be Dutch. Requests a transfer out to reference desk when informed that the words were not Dutch. After being transfered out to reference desk accuses librarian of having the same voice as me. She demands to be transferred to the local history room. Local history room then transfers her back to the reference desk and she gets the same librarian as before and hangs up on him.
What primary colors did they use in Japan in the 1600's?
Didn't they used to work in black and white until the 1600's? (She was astonished when informed that color has been around as long as there has been art.)
How do you tell if something is made of tortoise shell? (That was a translation. Her actual question was not so plainly stated.)
If something is the color blue now what color will it be in twenty years? (Where's Sam Kinison when you need him?)
When did the Japanese start painting on silk?
What do those red marks on the silk painting mean? (You mean the red mark I can't see and you are unable to describe?)
Precious Moments piggy banks, a section of hell we haven't entered before.
An artist named Jack Frost. (Bonus hang up).
What is the definition of archeology?
"Idiot wind,
blowing every time you move your mouth,
Blowing down the backroads headin' south.
Idiot wind, blowing every time you move your teeth,
You're an idiot, babe.
It's a wonder that you still know how to breathe."
Bob Dylan
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