The Horrible, All Encompassing Evil That Is Mary Sue

By Angora

-Perfect perfection is evil.

Simon Proof shook his head in disgust as he put down the last page of the file in front of him. He had read the whole thing start to finish once again, after being rudely abandoned in Miss Cackle's office. He had the unpleasant task of interviewing the inhabitants of the academy, and filing recording their statements to be used by the prosecution.

Cackle's Academy for witches had, buy the time our intrepid Mr. Proof arrived, faced innumerable disasters. The school had managed to avoid toppling to the ground on countless occasions, and had even survived the arrival of Mildred Hubble with flying colours. However, the faculty, and the building were both unprepared for the coming of the great and powerful evil which he had come to investigate.

Mary Sue. That was the title on the file on his desk, and that was the name that had haunted his dreams ever since he had first read it. He shook his head, trying to still all the emotions that the name evoked, and looked up as his first subject appeared.

"Are you Mildred Hubble?" Simon asked.

The tall, nervous looking girl fidgeted with one of her braids before answering in the form of a question. "Yes?"

"Have a seat." She did so. "Now Mildred, I'm sure you know why I've called you here."

"It's about Mary Sue, isn't it?"

"That's right," Simon said, feeling that he was making some headway. "Now, Mildred, I need you to tell me everything you can about her. She transferred here just a little while ago, right?" Right. "And she was in your year?" Correct. "Why don't you tell me a little bit about her?"

"Well," said Mildred thoughtfully, "she was always very helpful. She offered me loads of advice." She paused thoughtfully.

"Did you ever notice anything unusual about Mary Sue?"

"How do you mean?"

"I mean," said Simon with infinite patience, "did anything about her ever seem odd to you?"

"Well, not exactly," Mildred said uncertainly. "I mean, it did seem that Miss Hardbroom was always very nice to her for some reason. She's never nice to anyone! That is to say... well..."

"Thank you, Mildred," said Simon, interrupting her quite effectively. "Anything else?"

"She always seemed to know the right thing to say, you know?"

"No, I don't know."

"Well," said Mildred. "When Ethel tells me off about something, I hardly ever know what to say to her." Simon nodded, hoping this was going somewhere. "But Mary Sue... well, Mary Sue always knew what to say. That was before they were friends."

"She was friends with Ethel?"

"Yes."

"Who else was she friends with?"

"Um... there was me, and my friends, and, um..."

"What are their names?"

"Who?"

"Your friends."

"Oh. Maud, Enid, Ruby and Jadu. Plus, there's Fenella and Griselda, and Sybil, though she can be a bit of a weed sometimes."

"And those were all of Mary Sue's friends?" Simon made a quick list of the names.

"Those were all of her friends that I knew," explained Mildred. "I actually can't think of anyone that wasn't her friend."

"Surely there must have been someone?"

"No." Simon made note of this as Mildred kept talking. "I'm quite certain actually. There was this one time, right after the exam results were posted..."

~0~

"I'm sure you did fine, Millie," Maud said supportively. "You haven't failed anything yet."

"I know," said Mildred, "but I'm sure this'll be the time I do. I just know it."

"Well, Mary Sue helped you study, right?" Enid asked. Mildred nodded. "Then you've got nothing to worry about, have you?"

"I suppose not."

Just then, there was a squeal of delight from the crowd of girls in front of them, who were all reading their marks. "What's that?" Mildred asked. Pushing her way forward, she saw Ethel enthusiastically crush Mary Sue in a hug, as the other girl modestly demurred.

"All right!" exclaimed Drusilla, clapping Mary Sue on the shoulder.

Before Mildred had time to figure out what was going on, Jadu made her way out of the crowd. "Mary Sue got the top marks again," she said smiling brightly.

Ruby arrived just behind her and added, "Strait A's all the way across. It's amazing!"

"Extreme!" Maud exclaimed.

"Let's go congratulate her," Enid suggested.

Mildred had never been so happy for anyone in her life, and forgetting about her own marks, she joined the crowd of well wishers that were flocking around Cackle's newest student.

"I never even did that well," Fenella was saying in amazement.

"You're a genius," Griselda added.

~0~

"Of course, she didn't make a big deal out of it," Mildred hastily added.

Simon nodded thoughtfully. "And it was usual for her to get the best marks?"

"Always," Mildred said. "She even did well in P.E."

"Really?"

~0~

There was a collective groan from the class as Miss Drill announced that she was starting a new soccer program. "Now, now, girls," said the gym teacher. "Soccer can be a lot of fun."

"That's what you said about basketball, Miss," Ethel grumbled.

"And ice hockey," Jadu piped up.

"But we didn't have any ice," Ruby added. A collective chuckle filled the room.

"Yes," said Miss Drill somewhat defeatedly, "well, this'll be different. Now I want you all to pay very close attention. Mary Sue was the star soccer player at her old school, and I've managed to get her to come up and show us a few things."

There was a round of applause as the class began to cheer like children before story time, and Mary Sue quickly outshone professional soccer players with her skill. There was subsequently a round of backslapping and congratulations, punctuated by Miss Drill yelling "Wonderful! Wonderful!" over the din.

Everyone wanted Mary Sue to teach them how to play soccer, and she was kind enough to help them in a most patient way.

~0~

"So this Mary Sue wasn't just the star pupil, she was the star athlete too?" Simon asked, starting a whole new page of notes. Mildred nodded enthusiastically.

"That was even before Miss Cackle gave her the special commendation from the board of governors."

"That special what?" Simon asked. He was beginning to fear that his pen would run out of ink before he was done.

"The commendation from the board of governors," Mildred repeated. "Mr. Hallow, Ethel's father, is the chair person, you see..."

"So she got a commendation for her outstanding academic achievement?"

Mildred looked confused for a moment. "No. It was for the dragon."

"What?"

"She stopped the dragon from eating the school."

"How do you mean?"

~0~

It was a rare occurrence, indeed, for a dragon to attack a school. It was a rare occurrence, indeed, for a dragon to show itself. But thankfully, Mary Sue was on hand.

Whilst the students cowered, and whilst Miss Hardbroom, the most powerful witch known to man, attempted unsuccessfully to stop it, Mary Sue had the presence of mind to begin mixing a potion.

"What are you doing?" Enid asked.

"It's an old recipe I learned from my grandmother," said Mary Sue sweetly. "I just have to fly up there and pour it in his mouth."

"You'll get fried!" Jadu exclaimed.

"I have to try," Mary Sue replied. Without waiting for an answer, she jumped on her broomstick - she was an expert broomstick rider - and poured the potion down the throat of the angry dragon only instants before it could shoot flame.

Disappointedly, the dragon frowned at his inability to kill everyone, and skulked away. No sooner had Mary Sue landed in the courtyard then she was surrounded by the grateful and rejoicing students, who all wanted to give her a hug. Mary Sue just shrugged it off, saying, "It was nothing."

A week later, Mr. Hallow drove in and presented her with an award. He had to remark that he had never seen anyone quite so smart, or brave, or eloquent as Mary Sue.

~0~

"Okay," Simon said, wiping his brow in exhaustion after recording the tale word for word. "And then she left?"

Mildred nodded sadly. "It was right after the big presentation for The Grand Wizard."

"Oh? what was that?"

"Well," Mildred said, going into story telling mode again, "it was a bunch of little acts that Miss Bat put together. But the really important part was Mary Sue's solo." Simon looked up in near disbelief. "She was the best at chanting, you see, and Miss Bat had arranged for her to sing a new chant she had written..."

"Which Miss Bat had written?"

"No," Mildred replied, as though it were very obvious. "A new chant that Mary Sue had written herself. She sometimes helped Miss Bat write chants. It was sort of like a pop song, it topped the charts for three weeks."

"So she got up and sang a pop song?"

"Yes. It was the best song I've ever heard!"

"Of course it was!"

~0~

"Bravo! Bravo!" cried The Grand Wizard, leaping to his feet. "You've really outdone yourself, Miss Cackle, that was amazing!"

"She's an amazing pupil, your honor," Miss Cackle replied.

As the applause continued to thunder, Mildred noticed Mary Sue quietly slip away, and followed her, accompanied by Enid and Maud.

They were, as it may be imagined, shocked and startled to see Mary Sue packing her bags. "Where are you going?" Mildred asked, already afraid of the answer.

Mary Sue looked slightly disappointed to see her. "I was going to leave last night," she said very quietly, "but the presentation meant so much to Miss Bat..."

"But where are you going?"

"I'm a vampire slayer, Mildred," Mary Sue replied, hefting her bag over one shoulder.

"A vampire slayer?" asked Enid.

"Yeah," Mary Sue replied. "I thought I could lead a normal life, but I just can't go on this way with all the suffering in the world. I have to try and stop it."

"But we need you here!" Maud exclaimed.

"You don't need me," Mary Sue replied in that manor which means to say "you do, but I'm too modest to say so". "You all have your own strengths, and you'll get along fine once I'm gone."

"We'll miss you," Mildred said.

"I'll miss you too," Mary Sue replied. "Each and every one of you."

And with that, she took her dramatic leave of the school, casting a dark cloud of mourning over all who resided there.

~0~

"I don't believe this," said Simon under his breath.

"It's all true," Mildred assured him.

"Yes, I know that," Simon replied. He glanced over the notes he had taken again, just to make sure. "You can go now, Mildred."

Miss Cackle took the opportunity to return to her office as Mildred left it. "Who would you like to see next?" she asked pleasantly.

"No one," Simon replied. He packed up his remaining supplies and made for the door.

"No one?"

"I have all I need to know, Miss Cackle," he said grimly. "You've been infected by a Mary Sue."

"I don't understand," Miss Cackle said. "I realize Mary Sue was a student here..."

"No, no," Simon said quickly. "Not Mary Sue the person, Mary Sue the monster!"

"Monster!"

"Yes," Simon replied. "I work for the EII - Editors in Investigations - Mary Sue has been on the loose for quite some time now, and I'm afraid she's attacked your school."

"What do you mean? What's a Mary Sue?"

"Mary Sue, my dear woman, is the worst kind of monster we've ever encountered. She preys upon individuals, ingratiating herself to them, and besting them at everything they do. Then she moves on."

"That's ridiculous!"

"Perhaps. But we have a lead on this one. We think she might be headed for California, and if I hurry, I might be able to catch her before she changes the personalities of too many people."

Before Miss Cackle could utter another word of disbelief, Simon bolted out the door, leaving a startled Miss Bat in his wake.

"What was that about?" she asked.

"I'm not sure," Miss Cackle replied. "He says Mary Sue is a monster living in California."

"Oh, that's nice," replied Miss Bat. "I hope she likes it there. She's such a nice girl."

"Yes," said Miss Cackle. "A very nice girl indeed."

The End