Home / FF Pictures / Quotes / Guestbook / Photos / My Wordz / Bianca's Wordz / Rock / Contact / Links
October 2004
Oct 1st
I don't know what to do
I'm frustrated beyond words
Everybody makes fun of me
"Hey Midget," "I'm taller then you"
HAHA, big fuckin joke
I know my friends mean well...
But it still hurts ya know
I suppose it's not that bad
It's just that I've had to put up with the same shit
I've always been short
Therefore I'm an easy target
Weak, pathetic, small, insignificant
Yup, that's me!
~cries~
Idk, just things keep piling up
And this one little thing got to me today
Yesterday it was Melfice
I cried myself to sleep thinking bout him
Today it's my shortness
It always seems like something small
Something that seems insignificant
Always brings me down
Yeah, expect more of these depressing entries
The excitment that came with starting yet another year of school has gone
Now the horrible continuous depression sets in
Oct 2
Added different title logo
Blue flames now
Still getting backgrounds
Trying out different ones
Seeing what color words with what backgrounds
Added buttons for links
Not all of them are working yet
I'm trying to go faster
But my pitiful human body can't type hours on end
I appearently need to consume water and food
And appearently I need this thing called sleep
And then there's school
That's about seven hours out of the day
But then minus two hours of study hall
So it works out to about 5 hours
If I can manage to go in at lunch
That's another half and hour
Time is tight
And I need to manage my personal things
Entertainment is a big thing for me
I need alot to do to keep my mind off the horrors of my life
Well enough typing
I'm gonna take a short nap and start again at about 6 pm
Get on bnet and type there
See if anyone misses me
^.^
Oct 3rd
Hah! It's 12 am, bright and early
I've been working on my site for hours now
I'm going to sleep now tho
I'll write another entry later today or tomorrow
I think I may take a break from my web site
It has come a long way
I need to sit back and just look at what I made
And what I took from other sites, lol
Well ttul, I'll type later
Today, tomorrow, or Monday for sure
Cyas
^.^
Oct 3rd
Heh almost 1 am now
Seems like everyday I'm depressed for one reason or another
Today Dais takes a shining stand
And I realize that I really have no one
Sure I have tons of friends
Irl and online
But no one that I can really trust
So I am alone
I don't wanna be tho
I'm so tired
So exausted
So fed up with life
I need to take a break
Mental breakdown time
There's my break from reality
But I doubt that will happen
I'm doomed to go on forever
Never trusting, never having anything meaningful
Alone all my life
Might as well suicide
If I could, if...
Argh if's and's and but's
I hate them
Just do it
Suicide
Go go go
Damnit
>.<;
I know I can't
Or do I just think I can't
Either way I'm fucked
I have nothing
Grandpa... gone
Brandon... gone
Melfice... gone
I have no real reason to live
So why can't I just stop?
Why can't I just die?
Oct 4th
Omg wow
Why am I always so damn depressed?
Argh, it's so frustrating
The time I spend ruminating over things
I could update my site
I could start my other sites
I could level up my sorc on D2
I could read Merrick
I could chat with my friends
I could.. omg...
I could go outside!
I could see my friends irl
I could go to the movies
All this time I just waste being depressed
Ehh
I always get over it
So it isn't that bad I guess...
Well I'm trying to update my site on Bravenet
I'm not used to their editor yet
It's more complicated then geocities is
But sooner or later I'll figure it out
Type to y'all later
^.^
Oct 5th
Argh, Frontpage sucks like totally
Confuses me
>.<;
hmm, I wonder...
What do I wonder?
Hah! You don't know!
Yeah I'm wondering if I'll ever figure it out
I like to stick with nice comfortable things that I know
I don't like being confused
~sighs~
I can't think of anything
My mind is on my assignment
Did I mention how much I hate Frontpage?
Yeah...
Ttul ppls ^.^
Oct 6th
I'm mindnumbing depressed...
Life sux...
I want to die!
Just kill me!
!!
s-u-i-c-i-d-e
is
for
m-e
!
Why do I go on everyday?
Why?
I have no reason.
I'm nothing.
I think it and I am it.
Nothing...
Nobody...
No one...
Was I ever?
Hah! I doubt it.
Here's a depressing thing that I made up
Let's go suicide!
Go go go!
Take that knife
Cut that wrist
Kill that person who I used to be
Take that rope
Choke that reality
Kill that person who I used to be
Take that gun
Shoot that dream
Kill that person who I used to be
Swallow those pills
Fade into nothing
Kill that person who I used to be
Let's go suicide!
Go go go!
Sad huh?
yeah I know
It's all I can seem to think of
Everything else just seems so fake
Like it's not real
And when I wake up
I'll be in the nothingness that I know will surround me
depressed
thinking
of
suicide
I hope I die...
Oct 6th
Okay a few things I forgot to type at school
I think I forget em cuz I was too depressed
=\
Anyways...
Yesterday, the principal found out that I had two study halls
He seemed sorta mad
But ehh
Nothing happened today
I had my 6th hour study hall
Typed in here
Moved stuff round on my other sites
Watched lil kids talk bout their bf/gf's
LIL kids
Like 10-11 years old
I think boys still had "coodies" then
Jeez puberty hits earlier and earlier
I was I could go back
I loved mornings with grandps
Going to get ice cream
I felt so... adult-like when I paid for it myself
But ehh
I need to SCHEDULE time to play Star Ocean
I put Star Ocean on everyday after school
Since like 3 days ago
And I didn't even play it
I'm too addicted to D2
Had to reinstall my video card
Cuz Josh put a hacked one on here
And so I have to reinstall it like every month
Kinda sux
But it was free, so I guess I shouldn't complain
ILLEGAL THO!!
Hah, like I don't do illegal stuff
Drinking is illegal for me
Pot is illegal for everyone
I speed
I don't wear a seatbelt
Kinda hope I get in an accident
No seatbelt=death
Right?
Ehh
Oh!!
Omg Chris sat by me today
And no, I'm not obessessed
He spilt his milk
And we all laughed and said it was his cum
What perverts we are, huh
Then he was saying it was me
That I got so excited I couldn't comtrol myself
Funny as hell, lol
And he brought up the uhh... uhh... thing on cam... yeah...
=/
Well I'm just rambling on now
Cya ppls
To the ppl that actually read this...
You scare me, cuz you may know more bout me then I do
Yuppers ^.^
Oct 7th
I got time this morning in Econ class to type things
So that's what I'm doing
^.^
I think I want to dye my hair black again
But I don't want the stigma of people thinking I'm goth
I don't want people to be afraid of me again
But I think they still are
I don't understand why though
I'm just a lost kid that grew up
Who could be afraid of a lost kid?
I'm the one who's afraid
I got that poem thingy that I wrote yesterday stuck in my head
...take that gun... shoot that dream...
That's my favorite part
I think I need to get a positive perspective
But how?
Who can help someone who's not ready to be helped?
I don't know what I want
Other then some kind of release from this hell
Which could end in suicide
But probably shouldn't
I think I might dye my hair black and have blond highlights
That wouldn't be so bad
But I need to do something more with my hair
It's too staticy
I wish I could get my hair just the way I like it
And just have it stop growing
That'd be sweet
Anyways, I have to go
I might not type unless something happens today or I'm really bored
Love y'all
Oct 7th
I found a awesome site today!
Fake Wings
I found out about it from my BESTEST friend Chris
<3 Chris <3
Seriously this site pwns all
Free layouts!
Shit that would take me like months to make on my own
Mostly anime
I don't like much anime, but it's still sweet
Final Fantasy ones are awesome
I was thinking about ordering the Edea one
But then this site is a jumble of stuff
I didn't think it would look right
Later on I'm gonna ask the owner to make me one
Or try to make one myself
She wrote that she didn't like Frontpage
The junk our teacher wants us to make our sites with
Photoshop is what she uses
I need to buy it
ASAP
Then I can try to make my own stuff
Oh!
I'm thinking of dying my hair blonde with black streaks
Steph said she would do it for me
I can always buy brown hair dye...
In case something goes horribly wrong
She said I'd look good as a blonde
I do have blueish-greenish kinda eyes
So I don't think I'd look that bad
It's just... idk...
Strange! That's the word
Strange...
Well I'm gonna go type to y'all later
^.^
Oct 8th
Hey!
I added a new blank page to my site!
It took a long time, lol
I also added links to it
I hope this weekend I will find Adobe Photoshop 7.0 or 8.0
I want to make my own site with frames
I wonder how long it will take me to learn it
Horrible news today
The principal is resigning
He's going to a school up north
He's leaving at the end of the month
God that pissed me off
It was a total surprise
He coulda said it earlier this year so we wouldn't be so surprised
Or he coulda left like at the end of the semester
Or possibly the year
I doubt I can graduate now
I had at least a little hope then
But new principal, new everything
We might not even get a principal
We might get a Dean of Students
Argh
Oh and Matt!
Matt, I'm not gonna be on bnet today
If you remember to read this that is
I might not be on this weekend either
I'm trying to concentrate on Star Ocean
If I'm even online, I'm distracted
I'd say that I'm leaving
Then like an hour later I leave
I'm too addicted
So I figure the best thing is to not go on at all
So I might type this weekend or not
I'll type on Monday, I promise
Love ya Matt
^.^
Oct 11th
Omg...
I had the like most social weekend of my life
Okay I may be exaggerating a lil
Let's start with Friday after school
~thinks back to Friday~
I went to Steph's and she dyed my hair blonde
I didn't even get online at home on Friday...
I think that's a first in like months
I've been so addicted
I played Star Ocean
Went to sleep
Saturday...
I went online and showed Ben my blonde hair
Then I went to Vince's
Played Fable there
I let him borrow it
My baby Fable...
Wish I knew how to copy games
It's just a lil illegal, but free
Ate... chicken things, french fries and vegie soup
It was pretty good
Oh and Milk!
heh
I gave them all those Nora Roberts books
And some that I went thru that day
I still need to go thru and get rid of my doubles
I saw his car
omg!
1961 Thunderbird
Wow
It wasn't finished, but omg when it is, it'll be amazing
Lucky Bastard...
He burned me a cd with some ff songs and demon hunter songs
I watched him play FFXI
Which now I don't think I'm gonna get
Then I went home and went to sleep
I don't remember if I went online or not, but I think I did
The next morning...
Kathy, my mom and I went to Willmar to visit Josh
On the way we stopped at a garage sale
I got the movie Dracula
Kathy got a rocking chair and a cart thingy to pull the baby in
We left them there while we went to Willmar
First we went to Taco Johns
Kathy got her food there
I got my potatos there
Then we went to Burger King
Tam got her food there
And I got a large vanilla shake and a cheese burger
We went to Wal-Mart, where we ate in the parking lot
We went shopping and I got Civilization 3 complete
^.^
Then we went to the Goodwill
Kathy and Tam went in and I stayed in the Jimmy and looked at my new game
Then we went to Cub Foods
I stayed in the Jimmy there too
Then we went to the rehab center
We saw Josh and walked around and stuff
We stayed there for 2 hours
Then we went back to get the stuff that Kathy brought at the garage sale
We tied the chair and cart on top of the Jimmy
Then we went home
I installed Civ 3 and played it
I also played a lil bit of D2 on west
I stayed up till 12:30 am
I showed Chris my blonde hair
^.^
Oct 12th
Depressed (Frown)
It's so much fun (Sarcasm)
Ha ha(Insert weak laugh)
Anyways...
I haven't really concentrated on losing weight lately
I need to do that
I'm gonna try to not eat till Friday
It's Tuesday today
Only like 3 days
All I'm going to have is orange juice in the morning,
Water during school,
Milk for supper
I should lose 8 pounds that way
Least I hope so
Problem is I have like no self-control
I can barely get thru one day without food
I can try though
I can't type anymore, I'm too depressed to type anything but suicidal thoughts
Type later...
Oct 13th
I lied
I ate food
Sad, very sad
I need a life
I'm gonna take yours!
*reaches out of the monitor and sucks out your life*
I need to get outta my usual boring routine
I can't tell one day from the other
I need to either get a social life
Or...!
Suicide
That thought pops into my head like sooo much
I hate it
But sometimes I like it cuz it gives me something to ruminate
I can't think anymore, I'm gonna go
ttul to everyone and no one
:P
Oct 14th
Another day
Another reason for suicide
I had Nicole take a pic of Bakker's Fro
And...
French was strange today
I was messing around
I was like "I can touch the ceiling!"
I stood on top of Chris' desk
And then Chris and Sam poked me!
Like at the same time!
I almost fell
Scared the hell outta me
And...
Bakker's Fro make a hole in the wall
Appearently someone pushed him into the wall
Principal came and Bakker has to pay for the wall
It was make of styrofoam
Proof of how cheap our school is
That's bout it
type laters ppls!
Oct 17th
Same Shit Different Day
Shouldn't I be happy?
I got a new laptop and cam
I should be happy
I should be fucking ecstatic
But no...
I'm depressed... again
I'm sick and tired of this
Why doesn't this seem to end?
Thoughts of suicide just floating around in my head
Everytime things seem to be going good
I get depressed
I thought I knew why
But maybe I was just decieving myself
I mean I should know why I feel the way I do
Shouldn't I?
I should know...
I'm cold
I'm gonna read now
Get into the drama of the next book
Maybe that'll take my depression away
I can only hope
I should be better tomorrow
Type then
laters y'all
Oct 18th
I feel so used...
Josh said that our comp was fried
I was at his apartment checkin out music
And I came across my downloads from kazaa
The Cain Rap
Heh (weak laugh)
He had all the songs I dl'ed
Home on the Range, heh
In Heaven there is no Beer
Old ones that I dl'ed
Josh said his "friend" liked old music
Heh
What a lie
That was the music I dl'ed
The music my grandpa sang to me
And Palmer too
I can't believe he'd lie to me so easily
I guess I am right
I don't mean anything to anyone
I'd be better off dead
Then I can leave everything to that asshole
Then maybe he'd be happy
Suicide
No more me
Heh
What am I thinking?
God just stfu Bianca
I hate you
I hate me
Stoopid me...
I need to get drunk or stoned to get my mind off things
yours truely...
Pissed as Hell
Oct 19th
Well yesterday I learned a valuable lesson
Don't trust people
They will betray you
Harsh, yes, but true
I still think about suicide
But then what am I going to miss out on if I die
Alot
So I don't think I'm gonna do that
I don't think I can anyways
But ehh
I'm planning my trip to Cali
I'm gonna set up aim msger and yim msger on their comp
I wonder if they have dsl or cable
That would be sweet
Gtg, ttul!
Oct 20th
I found an awesome site that translates German
I learned alot yesterday and am today too
It's sweet
Das ist ausgezeichnet!
Ich liebe Deutsch!
Yeah it's da bomb
Well I'm gonna get back to learning German
Gonna try to update my site a lil
I changed all the text to Comic Sans MS
and organized the quotes better
Auf Wiedersehen!
Oct 22nd
I've been picked on and abused
I hate life and it hates me
I hate being stuck here
In the middle it seems
I can't kill myself
If I could I wouldn't be typing this
And I can't move out of this
I can't get out of this depression
I'm not strong enough to commit suicide
and I'm not strong enough to move on with my life
What little life I seem to have left
I wish someone could kill me cuz I can't
I can't fucking take this anymore
I'm breaking down
I CAN'T TAKE THIS!
DID YOU HEAR ME I CAN'T!
I give up
You can have all my stuff
All I want is peace...
Something even vaguely resembling happiness
Someone to hold me while I cry
Someone to trust
BAH what am I thinking
I'll never have that
I'll never have anything...
I really should just give up...
Oct 23rd
Black hair now
I dyed it tonight
Fun fun fun
^.^
And on a sadder note...
Josh told me Mr. B died
Plane crash
Sad...
*sighs*
Death is everywhere, isn't it...
Oct 24th
Went to see Vince today
^.^
Good day, nice and happy
Fun, yuppers
I borrowed Siren from him
And I sold him my webcam for $5
He was happy with it
I like to see him happy
^.^
And :o I put his hair up in pigtails kinda
Four of em
It was funny
All in all, a good day
Oct 25th
Monday Monday!
I hate Monday
Heute ist Montag
Ja, Ich liebe Deutsch
I dunno
Ich wei� nicht
Oct 25th
Yeah it seems as if everyday something makes me depressed
Heh...
And the worst...
I don't really know what makes me like this...
Well Magical Trevor cheered me up a lil bit
It's just not the same tho
Time to sleep, no dreams...
Oct 26th
Yeah nothing remarkable today
I'm gonna probably get like a C in Econ
I didn't do the project thingy
Ehh
I'm getting an A now
So yeah probably a C or hopefully a B
Our English teacher went off on a rant bout Animal Farm
It was cool
She was talking bout how the ideas in the book relate to today
That people want power and not everything is equal and fair
It was interesting
I'm looking forward to German
It's gonna be fun
Ich liebe lehern
I like to learn
ttul
^.^
Oct 26th
I want to yell and scream
To shout with all my might
I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
GIVE ME RELEASE!
I HATE THIS!
Oct 27th
Hmm...
Nothing much today
Took Animal Farm test
Had char ed
Goody asked some q's
It was pretty fun
Josh had this funny thing
It said from the bottom to the top...
With one word on each line...
Look how long I got this moron to talk about cows
And Josh told Chris to say "cow" before the word
After the word
And before and after the word
Then to say all the words from bottom to top without the word "cow"
He pulled the trick on Edgar too
It was funny as hell
Graphic Arts...
Omg I actually did something today
I made sure the links worked and deleted the ones that didn't
So easy
Oh yeah and I saw Sheldon in the hall
I've seen him before, but I didn't know his name then
ttul ppls
Oct 31st
What a depressing Halloween
Depressed as always
Heh, it doesn't matter anymore
Nothing does and nothing has
I have nothing, I know it
So why? Why? Why?
WHY CAN'T I SUICIDE?!?!
HUH?!
WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
CUT!
Home / FF Pictures / Quotes / Guestbook / Photos / My Wordz / Bianca's Wordz / Rock / Contact / Links
Copyright 2003-2004� by Bianca Schmidt
In Memory of Melfice
All rights reserved�
Evil Bianca Productions