In My Wordz

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March '04 to May '04

march 4th
am i gettin closer?
sometimes i think im gonna go over the edge
i never do tho
mental breakdown
unfortunatly my weak, feeble mind seems to be able to take a lot of stress, pressure?
watever u wanna call it
i really dont think i can take anymore of this
yet i keep on trugin thu it
i wonder wats keepin me goin
y dont i just break down and scream
cuz thats wat i wanna do sometimes
just scream to the world that i cant take this anymore
then ill go run and hide
probably in albedo
ill hold quinn
tell albedo and quinn how much i love them
whisper to melfice that im sry that i cant tell him just how much i love him
then me albedo and quinn will drive
drive till i run out of gas
drive till i run out of money
drive till i decide
decide, hah!
thats a joke i cant make decisions
i just wait for things to happen
wat will i decide...?
decide to die?
nah, im not tough enough
id need some1 to help me
assisted, yep
OMFG!
IM SO STUPID!!
i can make all these plans till hell freezes over,but...
i no that i probably wont carry em out
u no y?
cuz i cant do nuthin rite
everthin i do is stupid
everythin i do has no meanin watsoever
hah
i laugh at my own stupidity
cuz thats wat it is
no one will probably read anythin on this site
cept for ppl i told bout my site
it seems that no one will understand
i wanna no
when will i snap?
when?
wat is my breakin point?
will it actually happen?
im beginning to doubt it
AHHHHHHHH!
I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
ITS JUST TOO MUCH!
I CANT HANDLE IT!
plz tell me how to escape it
i desperatly need advice
cuz i cant trust my own decisions
wat few decisions that i do make
my judgement?
hah! thats a joke
i dont no wat im doin
i try to just pretend...
works most of the time
wats wrong?
nuthin
im ok
just nvm all this
its a bunch of BS
my whole life is a bunch of BS
i really dont no wat im doin
dont no wat im sayin
so very confused
I HATE THIS!
...
heh

march 15th
it seems to never end
cant everything just stop
then i can think
hmm
choices to make
i hate em
wat do i do?
i no nuthin
i am nuthin
but... i no those to be lies
lies i create
to keep my illusions
i hold then dear
like memories
i hate
and those i luv
i still dunno wat to do
cant make my own decisions
they end up as failures
like i am
total and complete failure
thats me!
heh
well its my own damn fault
seems like everythings my fault
probably cuz it is
dwelling in my mind as usual
i keep repeating the same stuff
so pessimistic
i am
insecure
thats me
everything u think of that can be wrong
every flaw a person can have
search and ull find me
inside my shell
im always there
wit nuthin inside
but pictures and memories
that invade everday
my sanity, i think will break
will this ever end?
i ask in vain
no one will answer
im truely alone
in this
seems so hopeless

april 28th
well it seems like a long time since ive put any nice depressing thoughts of mine on this site
well IM BACK!!
tehehe
daemoness
my new name on bnet
tehehe
and my new saying "tehehe"
makes ppl think im actually happy or sumthin
well i dunno
im still stuck in the same rut
im beginning to think that maybe... ahh nevermind...
just sumthin that came to mind, thats all...
tehehe?
no? u dont buy it?
my fake smile? my fake laugh?
y not?
imitating wat i see
happy ppl
maybe there just pretendin like me
im totally missing out
argh
ever wonder y u changed?
that everything used to be better
and u did sumthin wrong
sumthing really horrible
and ur being punished for it
i dunno
wat i was typin bout
just kinda went off
tehehe
these thoughts come from my mind
i think that at least
i wonder if maybe they dont
ever wonder that?
im being controlled
i have no power over nuthin
argh
but thats not the rite attitude, is it?
nope
but dammit
im sick of positive stuff
and im sick of the negative stuff too
aint there anything inbetween?
any middle ground?
neutral?
i just want sumthin nice, sumthin stable, thats always there
sumthin i can count on
sumthin other then being stupidly depressed
sumthin nice and happy
i guess...

april 29th
well i had a nice nap during german today :P
and i woke up to the principal sayin that im not learnin while im sleepin
yea thats true
but ya no some studies say that if u listen to stuff when ur sleepin u remember it in ur unconcious mind
geez
sounds like i actually no wat im typin bout
scary huh?
well im still kinda passin the class
and i do no the basics
i admit i aint learnin as much as i should tho
me learned that me is passin language class too and wit a C!
wat wit my wonderful grammar and such
lol
yea well its a american lit class
thankfully no grammar
id fail then
as u can c by my grammar here
umm... im passin bio.. wit a D-, still passin
now econ...
dammit
i did the lil assignments
er... wat i remembered to turn in
but the big project thing...
i put in the folder
hopefully me no fail
me seriously no wanna take econ next yr
me no wanna take nuthin next yr..
but o well
ill take sociology again
i liked that class
even tho i failed it
lol
like the teacher
interesting
yea
hey nuthin really depressin today
cept that i remembered once again
im gonna hafta go back again next yr...
hey me typed 2 dayz ina row!!
yay for me
tehehe
well i suppose thats bout it
cya next time
on the strange and horribly borin life of ME!!

May 25th
this is the last day for seniors
unfortunately im still here :(
o well
Happy news!
i showed my poems to my lit teacher
and she said that they were good
scary huh?
i guess im not a total idiot and im not really that bad at writing stuff
its like...
Woah!
major suprise to me, ya no
so my days ok now
i was like totally like blah, 3rd and 4th classes
cuz i aint gonna graduate this yr
that really got me down
but its my fault that ima idoit, ya no
its just that sometimes it feels like its too much, ya no
i say "ya no" too much dont i?
lol, yep
so well my day started out bad, and rite now its kinda good
happy, well kinda
the teacher also said they sounded sad
i could try to write sumthin, like, not so depressing
i guess, if i put some effort into it
but, argh, im too lazy
heh

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